No.
Please!
Nice shot, lover. What was that for?
Thish was due back last Thurshday. And beshides...
he forgot to rewind.
Gumshoe Video.
lf we don`t have it, we`ll hit the pavement looking for it.
This is amazing.
l don`t really know where to begin.
l told myself l wouldn`t cry.
No, seriously, l have so many people to thank.
So, l`d just like to start by saying...
``We always carry more than 50 copies of all new releases...``
that is you guys that makes this work important.
Guys, can someone kill the fucking TV?
``...at Media Giant!``
That`s okay.
l know l can`t compete with these big guys,
but, as long as l have you guys...
my small and loyal following of geeks and weirdos...
l know l`ll be alright, so, everyone, have some more beer!
And stick around, because later on we`re gonna have a very special
midnight screening of the 1848 classic ``She-Gorilla!``
Yes!
That`s right!
Alright. Let`s party.
What the hell was that, man?
They`re not supposed to show ads for two different
video stores during the same commercial break. Alright?
Who cares? When is the show again?
Throwing Semi-finals...
or some goddamn thing.
-Those are your people. -Who, Scottish people?
No. The freaks that are up all night sniffing glue, watching...
competitive jump-rope on ESPN for women.
They are keeping you in business.
-Yeah. You`re right. -You know l`m right.
All l`m saying is, l love Neil as much as anyone...
but, it was basically a rip-off of Dead Men Don`t Wear Plaid!
-Well it was. -Thanks, man.
l would have done something more deconstructive,
like videotape actual videotape.
-The commercial was dynamite. -Thanks. How nice.
-And Denise was great. Where`s she? -Yeah, l guess she didn`t show.
l think she thought the whole thing was a little stupid.
-What? Why? -Yeah.
-You okay? -l`m alright. Really.
-Yeah. -Okay.
-See you. -See you, guys. Bye-bye.
Have fun tonight, alright?
l cannot believe Denise didn`t show!
l`m just kidding. l`m just kidding.
That`s great. Thank you, Neil. Super funny.
Hey, man. Come here.
What`s up?
Hey, you see that girl?
Can you spill that water on her?
Like on her tits?
No. No, in her lap.
-Alright. -Alright. Wait.
Alright.
-Here. -Don`t insult me.
-Oh, my God! l`m so sorry! -Oh, my God!
-l`m so terribly sorry! -Oh, my God!
-Really. Awfully sorry. -You should be sorry!
Oh, l`m sorry. l`m so very sorry.
-Hey. -Hey.
-Sorry l`m late. -No, alright.
l guess that`s what happens when you turn into a big TV star.
-What happened to your dress? -lt`s nothing.
Again, l`m really sorry.
Denise, you think you were a little hard on the waiter before?
Neil, what do you get out of hiring some goon to throw a pitcher...
-of water in my face while you hide? -lt was hardly a pitcher.
...while you hide in the bushes?
When you are not sitting in front of some movie,
you are acting some immature little game.
lf you want this thing to work, you`re gonna have to grow up.
Or we could just break up.
What? Wait a minute! l came here to tell you to get your shit together.
You can`t turn this into breaking up with me!
Yet here we are.
l don`t believe this.
Next thing, you`re gonna say ``lt`s not you. lt`s me.``
No, no, no. lt`s definitely you.
Look, Denise you`re not enough like Katherine Rossin
``Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid``.
l don`t know what that means!
She was so supportive, you know?
She didn`t make Paul Newman feel stupid. She went along with it.
You know what? You can`t go along with someone who`s going nowhere.
Someone who runs a shitty little video store
that doesn`t make any money...
and spends his days hanging around with a bunch
of dorks talking about ``The Seven Seal``!
Hey, you liked ``The Seven Seal``.
l was faking it, you sucker!
Oh! This is Bergman?
The imagery is so powerful!
What a genius! l am so happy you made me watch this!
l can`t keep sponsoring Monday night shows at the club, man.
-Oh, come on! -l`m sorry, l can`t do it.
l`m getting killed on Mondays, dude!
Nobody comes out to see these local bands.
These are shitty bands, man.
Who wants to watch a bunch of high school metalheads...
with names like ``Shittin` Brix and Trojan Whores``?
-Trojan Whores? -Yeah.
-l like that. -l don`t know.
You gotta help me out. l`m taking a bath on these live shows.
l can`t even afford new uniforms for the softball team.
The other teams are laughing at us. lt`s a total joke.
-Shit! -l know.
l love this. Check out this entrance!
``...the apartment belonging to the dame that was...``
``two steps ahead of you the whole time.``
``What a sucker!``
``Good morning, sunshine.``
No, l don`t mind, l`m in the video store right now.
No, it`s one of those little shitty ones...
``Yeah. And wouldn`t that break yout heart?``
What do you think about ``City of Lost Children?``
Excellent film! By the same guy who made ``Delicatessen.``
l`m on the phone actually.
What`s the deal with ``Casino?``
l wouldn`t recommend it.
lt`s basically a poor man`s ``Goodfellas``...
-but in Vegas. -Hang on.
l`m still on the phone.
So which one should l rent?
So, which one do you recommend?
Oh, you`re...?
All of a sudden you`re mute?
-l take it you`re talking to me now. -Who else would l be talking to?
lt`s for a friend who`s at home sick. Which one do you recommend?
-What`s the matter with your friend? -Why?
Well, if your friend has got stomach flu
and is running to the bathroom every 5 minutes...
then l`d go for this one.
But, if your friend is in some kind of medication, like erythromyacin...
You know what? Just surprise me.
This one.
-Great. So how does this work? -What do you mean?
-l`ve never been to one of these places. -You`ve never rented a movie?
l`ve been to a movie. Does that count?
Okay, let`s start you off with a membership.
l knew it was some kind of racket.
No, just give me your driver`s license...
-and l`ll give you a membership. -l don`t have a driver`s license.
-How do you get around? -l get around.
Okay, well, um...
l can`t give you a membership until you give me a driver`s license.
How about a cash deposit? l`ll give you 20 bucks.
-What? 20 bucks? -Yeah. 20 American Dollars.
These old tapes are kind of hard to find...
Alright. l give you 50 bucks and
l don`t wanna hear anything more about it.
50 is it.
Lucky for you, l saw my pimp today.
Ha-ha-ha! ``Fletch`` right?
No, his name is Donald.
Well, that`s it. That`s all l`ve got.
Don`t blow it all on cigarettes and toilet wine.
lt`ll be right here.
-Great. -Great.
``The grand daddy of them all...``
``They say you`re not suppose to have``
``a scoreless tie in a regulation softball game.``
``They say you`re not suppose to go into extra``
``innings beyond the regulation seven.``
``So you can understand why the hometown fans are a little upset.``
``He`s safe! He`s safe!``
lt makes no sense that zombies eat, they`re dead,
they have not digestive system that works.
But they need people`s brains in order to continue to live in the undead world.
-How come they never puke? -Their insides are full of puke.
l just don`t understand why zombies have to eat people?
Why don`t they just go into restaurants?
-Absolutely. -Makes no sense.
But they need their eating to stay alive...
...l understand them killing people, ripping them apart,
`cause they`re angry that they`re dead?
Hey!
-Hey! -Hey.
Did you like the movie?
-Yeah. -Cool.
And you made it half way through, huh?
Yeah.
-You wanna see something cool? -Sure.
Watch this. Hey guys, guys, here.
Okay, okay.
She stopped it when Clancy is following the professor...
My love, don`t embarrass the family. lt is clearly the race track scene.
Please. She obviously stopped it where the goons
jump Clancy back at his apartment.
You`re on crack.
This movie is stopped at the scene in the night club.
Just as Baxter, depending on the tracking...
confesses to killing the gypsy.
That`s crazy. Why would anyone stop it just as he`s about to confess?
Yeah, you`re right. Precisely!
She wouldn`t. She`d be dying to know who killed the gypsy.
And so l put it to you, ladies and gentlemen...
that she fell asleep before the gypsy was murdered, and then she woke up...
ln the night club scene.
And then, not being able to appreciate...
the ironic tragedy of Baxter having murdered the only person...
who could have got him off the hook... she shut it off.
-That`s a toughy. -Put it in.
-Seems a little... -Yeah, let`s see.
``She did buy me a drink. What`s wrong with that?``
``l didn`t even know who she was until she started talking about Johnny.``
``-Will you cut that music off! -Go on. Why did you kill her?``
``Who said that l killed her?``
``You can`t hand me that stuff.``
Cool. But, scarry.
Listen, l`m still gonna have to charge you full price,
even though you only watched half the movie. Sorry.
Hey, um, guys? Did...
anyone take an envelope from underneath the register?
Written on it was... nothing at all.
You wrote the words nothing at all on the envelope?
-l don`t even understand the question. -Yeah, l`m confused.
-No? -No.
lt looks like l have mislaid your deposit.
l`m sorry.
This is where you offer me 50 dollars worth of movie rentals.
That`s a pretty good idea.
You know what?
No offense, but l don`t think l`m really gonna use it.
You could get a lot of good movies for 50 dollars.
Or you could just take me out to a 50 dollar dinner.
Well, l could just use the cash just as well.
Yeah, the cash. That`s all.
No! That`s a great idea.
Hey, l can write it off as a business dinner.
-Tonight? -Sure.
Do you know a place called Lightsides?
Alright. l`ll see you there at 8.
-Deal. -Cool.
-Ah, Violet. -Oh, Neil.
She asked me.
When you`re done fucking the customers, wanna play Trivia Pursuit with us?
No, thank you.
``...health, posture, cleanliness and neatness...``
``...plus a daily routine of little finishing touches.``
``Cultivate such habits as cleanliness and neatness...``
``For all through the day others are looking at you.``
``And now another little habit of cleanliness and neatness.``
``Lint under your fingernails must be cleaned every day,``
``and it`s better in private.``
Hi...!
-Hi. -Well, well, well.
Look who decided to finally show up for our date.
l`m only 3 minutes late.
Don`t sweat it, kid, you got a business to run.
l gotta tell you though. You missed one hell of a Happy Hour.
They got the best goddamn peanuts in town.
-What? -Peanuts.
P-E-A-nuts.
Oh. Alright, so, l guess you`ve been here a while.
Enough with the chit chat.
Are you gonna take me back to your place or what?
My car is right outside.
l can give you a ride or, maybe l can call you a cab?
-What do you think? -Sure you don`t wanna take me home?
Look at me.
-l`m wasted. -Yeah.
lt`d be like shooting fish in a barrel.
Violet, l think you`re a very attractive lady.
Really, very attractive.
But, come on, what kind of guy would l be if...
l took you home and took advantage of you, you know?
-So, let me... -You`re such a nice guy!
l`m gonna cry.
lt`s just really refreshing to meet such a decent person these days.
Vodka and soda.
l`ll have a screwdriver.
...so l thought there would always be a market, a group of customers...
who would be into something a little more personal, a little more intimate...
Plus, most of those big stores don`t have more than a few old movies.
Hardly any B-movies. Sci-fi? New Wave? Forget about it.
-That`s a bummer. -l know.
Plus, then l find out there`s gonna be another...
Media Giant store opening less than a mile away.
Did they send a bunch of guys over in suits
with cash in their briefcases try to buy you out?
No. l`m not really a threat, you know, they don`t need to buy me out.
Goons with crowbars?
No. No goons. So far.
Well, l guess we`ve eaten almost 50 dollars worth of food, right?
Not so fast, big boy. You owe me a 50 dollar dinner.
l put my own tally in at about...
About 37 bucks.
l will have the Brownie Sundae and a cup of coffee, and...
Right. A piece of the Key Lime Pie.
So?
What are we gonna do about that big video store?
l assumed that everybody would feel... the same way that l felt.
But, no. No, no, no.
Most people just wanna get in their cars...
they wanna drive to the local store and rent the latest disaster movie.
Whereas there`s not that many people who
just wanna come in and have a leisurely stroll around.
Maybe talk about Kubrick, you know... Shoot the shit, no!
``With Media Giant on line renting your favorite new releases...``
``it`s as easy as watching them.``
``When a button down record company accountant is sent out``
``to put a leash on an out of control rock star...``
Which version of ``lnvasion of the Body Snatchers`` would you recommend?
The 1856 version or 1878 version?
We are closing in a few minutes.
``...to stand up for the difference between right...``
``...from the pages of the beloved book by acclaimed author P.K. Whidleforth...``
``comes an animated adventure, sure to delight...``
``...as all the inhabitants of Dreamtown Meadow come alive...``
``it`s To-do-loo Chinsey...``
``and Muley Cat inviting you to join them in a game of checkers...``
Hurry!
So, what`s in your mind?
After he leaves, we`ll go out and switch the DVDs
so that they`re all in the wrong boxes.
That could take all night.
Well, it would`ve only taken a second
to throw a rock through the window, smart guy.
``...travels across the state line. All these favorites and more...``
``Bambi.`` Put something really dirty in here.
Alright.
Here you go. And don`t call me Bambi.
Here.
So, we never really got to talk about you so much.
What is that you do?
l`m looking for something l like.
And what was your last job?
Doing a little of this, a little of that.
And what is it that you want to do?
l don`t know. Do you notice how most jobs get boring pretty quick?
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, l`d totally hire you, although you`d fuck up my inventory.
Can l have a disc?
Good idea!
-God, l think l`m having a heart attack. -Aaah, my stomach!
Silent alarm? You think l could afford a silent alarm? Forget about it.
Why did l eat all that dessert?
Well, that was fun.
Yeah, it wasn`t bad for a Tuesday.
So, if we can get back to the car, can l give you a lift?
No, you go. l think we ought to split up for the night.
What are you doing? What are you gonna do?
l`m just gonna lay low until the heat dies down, you know?
What? Are you`re just gonna hang in the yard?
l don`t know. There`s probably a frisbee around here somewhere.
-l`ll be fine. -What are you doing?
Look at that. A whole new guy.
Just remember, if they catch you, deny everything.
Alright.
Well, Neil, you`ve certainly given me a lot to think about.
l`ll never rent from that video store again.
Tell me about it.
And not just because they`ll almost certainly
have our picture up behind the counter.
Alright, well...
Bye.
Hey, Neil!
Neil!
Pss. Hey, you.
-Yeah? -We forgot the goodnight kiss.
l mean, if you wanted a goodnight kiss.
Yeah, sure.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
-Okay. l`ll catch you later. -Okay.
That was the weirdest first date l ever had.
Yeah. Sounds to me like that chick`s cookoo for Coco Puffs.
l mean, does she have a tendency to mutter things out loud to herself?
-No muttering. -Then she`s not schizo.
Did she ever wild mood swings?
No, she was pretty consistently out there.
Then she`s not bi-polar.
Did she have an unusual tendency to count things?
Well, she did get a bit obsessive about the bill.
l mean, did she touch the bill a lot? Touch a lot the door knob, OCD style?
No. Are we gonna play this game where you just list off every...
every diagnosis just to show me how much you know about psychology?
l`m pretty sure the girl isn`t crazy.
Yeah, ok.
-You gonna go out with her again? -l don`t know. l don`t have a...
l don`t have a number, and l don`t know where she lives...
You gotta google her ass. ls what you gotta do.
l don`t even know her last name.
-Oh. Customer. l got it. -Alright. Thanks, man.
Sorry.
-Hey. -Hey.
l went inside to look for you, but you weren`t there.
The store was totally empty, it was creepy.
l thought maybe you were having one of those promotional deals,
like you were having a special on post apocalyptic movies or something.
Nah. l was just passing time.
Nice. Do you know how to dunk-slam it?
Yeah, l`ve been known to ``dunk-slam`` it in my day.
Nice deal! l wanna learn how to do it.
Okay. First of all, it`s called a ``slam dunk.``
Yeah?
You heard that?
You gotta take these things in baby steps.
Today you learned that it`s called a ``slam...
-...dunk``, and for the... -This one`s for all the marbles!
-...you... -The World Finals!
Five...four... three...two... one!
Yesss!
Cubs win!!! Cubs win!!!
Well, the ball has to be in the air when the clock runs out.
You counted down the clock and then you jumped, so the game was over.
Pretty sure it`s the player.
As long as the player`s in the air when time runs out.
-No, it`s the ball. -l`m pretty sure it`s the player.
lt`s the ball, but, you can come down now, if you want.
No. You come up here. lt`s nice. You`d like it.
-Aren`t your hands killing you? -Yeah.
-Wanna go pool hopping? -Um... no.
You carry binoculars?
Yeah. You`d be surprised how often these babies come in handy.
People are doing all sorts of nasty things in the privacy of their homes.
Seems unfair we shouldn`t get a peek at it, right?
lt looks like the manager is saying
that they still can`t seem to find anything missing.
And the cop is saying that,
well maybe they were just some kids having some fun.
And the manager is saying that from the security tapes,
they really don`t look like kids,
although the female culprit seemed quite fetching
and l suppose she could pass for a college student... in a TV show.
And the cop is like, Yes. She was quite beautiful,
in a unique and fascinating way.
Almost like the sunrise on a misty morning...
Am l right, or is this how most people get caught?
Coming back to the scene?
l have an idea. Let`s go to my store and watch a movie.
Always with the movies.
That`s the difference between you and me.
l like you Neil, but clearly you sit around
and you content to just watch, and me, l have to be doing something.
And l`m perfectly aware that right now what
l`m doing is sitting around watching.
So, don`t bother pointing out the irony.
Don`t get me wrong, last night was very, very exciting and...
l guess this is exciting too...
and, now, given that we`re definitely gonna get busted sitting here...
-can we just go? -Hum. Okay.
So where did you grow up?
Alaska. And Stockholm. And Capetown. But mostly Tasmania.
-Wow, that sounds incredibly... -Exciting?
l was gonna say made up. So, where`d you go to school?
``Miss Stern`s School For Young Women.``
-That sounds hot. -Oh, yeah.
We all wore baby-doll pajamas and we had pillow fights every night.
And when Miss Stern caught us... she doused us all with baby oil.
Terrific. Terrific.
-Do you live around here? -No.
What?
Did you think we were going back to my place?
-Slow down, Casanova. -No.
l was just hoping to get some confirmation
that you actually live around here.
l can`t shake the feeling that you`re
just blowing through town with the carnival.
Well, l can`t give my address out to just anybody.
l`m sure you understand.
Well, l...
l gotta go do stuff.
Okay. Well, thanks for stopping by. Maybe you`ll stop by again.
No.
Actually, l`m ready to give you my phone number.
Cool.
l want you to be very careful with this number.
Sure, l`ll memorize it and then l`ll eat the paper. How`s that sound?
l wouldn`t recommend it, it`s scented notepaper.
You`d be better off flushing it down the toilet.
l actually wasn`t gonna do that, but, sure, l`ll flush it.
You`re a sweetheart.
So, Neil, what are you gonna do when this place goes tits-up?
l don`t think that`s gonna happen for a few years
Not until people can get any movie they want beamed directly...
into their TV set. Then l`m dead meat.
You should go back to school. Look at me.
l have absolutely no concept of the real world.
You need to find a way to supplement your business.
You outta turn this place into a singles` club.
People come in here, tell you their favorite movies and you...
match them up with the perfect mate using that information.
-That`s a great idea. -Yeah.
You can charge women 100 bucks.
And no matter what they tell you, you give them my phone number.
lf l set you up with someone who likes Ben Affleck,
you`d throw her out of a moving car.
l don`t know. ls she cute?
This is what you gotta do.
You`ve gotta turn this place into a late-night underground casino.
Make some cash.
Lots of towns have these secret gambling clubs.
Places make like 50 grand a night.
Right, but, if it`s a secret, how do people know to come?
Good question. You`d let it leak out, through word of mouth.
But then is not a secret anymore and then you get busted.
That`s why you have a secret password.
Something like ``lce Station Zebra`` or ``Rosebud.``
No. You can`t say ``Rosebud``. You`ll ruin ``Citizen Kane``.
You don`t. The only way you ruin ``Citizen Kane``
is if you tell people ``Rosebud`s sled``.
Rosebud`s sled?
Yes, the sled, it`s the last shot of the...
What film school do you go to?
How do you let people know what the secret password is?
You`d let it leak out, what the password is.
-lt`s a secret. -Yeah.
Then it`s not a secretand then you get busted.
He`s right.
l think you`re overanalyzing.
-No, you can`t have a secret password... -You`re overanalyzing.
Excuse me.
We`re looking for Neil Lewis. The guy who owns this place.
-lt`s him. -That guy.
That`s me.
l`m Detective Loewenstein and this is Detective Barlow.
We were wondering if we can have a word with you.
Oh... sure...
You wanna come into my office?
-Guys, can you hold down the fort? -Yeah, yeah.
Did you see that?
And you thought we don`t live in a totalitarian society.
All you have to do is even mention
opening up a secret gambling join, and the cops crack down.
Shut up.
-What can l do for you fellas? -You own and operate this store?
Yes, l do.
-And you have just this one store? -Yes.
So it must really be tough for you all these big franchise video stores
springing up every day?
lt must really tick you off these big guys driving you out of business.
What`s the deal with the costumes?
Oh, those.
l use them for promotions.
lf we`re doing a special on classic horror films...
l`ll dress up as, as Bela Lugosi, or if the classic...
l think you like to play games, you little cocksucker.
We`re not gonna beat around the bush, Mr. Lewis.
We know that you vandalized
the Media Giant video store on Tuesday night.
You`re in a shitload of trouble, shitface.
You`re actually in a very fortunate situation.
The person we`re more interested in, is your accomplice.
-My accomplice? No... -Alright.
Cut the mealy-mouthed act, shithead. We want to talk about the girl.
We`re willing to let you slide on this thing
if you tell us where we can find the girl.
Why? l mean, l barely know her. How come you guys are looking for her?
You don`t ask the goddamn questions! We ask the goddamn questions!
You don`t need to know what she did, Mr. Lewis.
What you need is to tell us where we can locate her.
Okay. Look, l don`t know where she lives. l swear!
You obviously have some way of contacting her.
A phone number maybe?
No. No. She didn`t give me any number.
Enough of this shit!
You`re gonna tell us where to find the girl...
or the only costume you`re gonna be wearing is this one!
-What are you doing? -You know goddamn well what l`m doing!
-No, l don`t! -l think you know!
-Oh, not again, Tony! -Back off, Rick!
-This is mine! -l tried.
Here it comes. Look what l`m doing.
Look, l owe you guys so big.
l met Tony at a Karaoke bar and Rick is my next door neighbor.
Don`t they look like cops?
Come on. You can not be mad about that.
Are you kidding me? l thought l was going to jail!
l thought l was gonna lose the store!
Wasn`t it wild?
l thought that guy was gonna... do something to me!
You thought he was gonna bugger you?
Christ!
But you didn`t give them my phone number,
even though you thought you were gonna get buggered.
Well, l didn`t actually think he was gonna really bugger me.
The whole good cop-bad cop routine was a little over the top.
You were so brave.
l gotta go home and do some stuff. What are you doing tomorrow?
l don`t know. l`ll probably spend some time in the store.
l`ll come visit you.
You can teach me the difference between thrillers and chillers.
-Guys...? -Oh, hey.
Can you watch the store for a while?
-Can we order pizza? -No.
Then, yes. l will watch
Alright.
-Neil! -Neil, hi, cuttie!
What are you doing?
You can settle an argument for us.
No. lt`s not really an argument.
Well it`s a difference of opinion anyway.
Okay. What is it?
What`s happening?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
l`m following a girl, okay? lt`s kind of important. So what`s up?
l think that the baby should wear sunglasses
so he doesn`t stare at the sun and go blind.
And you think that`s stupid.
Yes. Why would a baby stare into the sun?
Why wouldn`t he? He`s a baby. He doesn`t know any better.
Get down! Get down! Get down!
You`re killing me.
A baby wouldn`t stare at the sun any more
than it would hold its breath until it dropped dead.
Thank you!
ls this what married life is like?
Yeah.
Kitty, kitty...
Here you go.
Fuck!
l`m sorry.
You`d be a lousy spy, Neil.
No. l wasn`t, l wasn`t spying.
And you know...
l`m totally cool with the... the cats and everything.
l totally understand.
that`s all...
You know, wipe that look of pity off your face.
lt`s not my house.
My place is a dump, but it`s a step up from this place.
-l`ll be right out. -Okay. Okay.
l sneak over every now
and then to make sure Mrs. Calman doesn`t forget to feed them.
l have this fear that l`ll walk in one day
and they`ll be eating her fingers and toes.
l should have known it wasn`t your place when l saw the TV set.
l have a TV set. Look.
Do you ever think that if you got a real TV set...
you wouldn`t feel that need to go around playing out all these adventures?
l like to think that because l lead a life of adventure...
l don`t need a TV set.
Besides, what has television got that l haven`t got?
Game shows.
l have a Monopoly set here somewhere.
Except all the pieces are missing except the top hat and the little dog.
-ESPN Classic. -l don`t know what that is.
l have something called The Space Channel.
Oh, really?
And l also happen to have a wide selection...
of pornographic channels on my cable package.
-Hi! -Oh, hi!
-Where are you going? -To the park.
We`re going to the park. You come with us!
-Well, l`m kinda meeting someone. -The new girlfriend, right?
-The one that we stalked the other day? -Yes.
Yeah! Can we meet her, please?
-You wanna meet her? -Yes, please.
l`m gonna go get the car.
Good times!
Hey, here we are, my friends.
The chariot locks. Sorry.
-Hi. -Hi.
-You brought friends. -Yeah.
Are you nervous about something?
You got that stinky breath that people get when they`re nervous.
l do? No. lt`s just, they`re really good quiet people.
And they have a baby so, they don`t need to be arrested or...
Do not do that.
Violet, this is Marcia and this is Buddy.
lt`s so nice meet you.
-And who is this? -This is Emerson.
-Can l hold him? -Of course.
l want to hold the baby!
We`re so sorry that we`re butting in on the date,
but we really wanted to meet you, so...
Don`t be silly. There`s plenty of food!
-Really? -Yeah, we are fine!
Plenty of food, Emerson!
-l`m so glad you could join us. -l know. We are too.
-You made food! -Let`s see what we`ve got.
l wish l could say that l made all this, but...
-Violet, what are you up to? -Now this...
...l did make.
l love this! l`ve tried to make it a couple of times and it always sucks.
lt`s true.
-Did you put LSD in the jello? -My God, how did you know?
Believe it or not, the secret ingredient is salt.
-Really? -lt sounds gross, but it`s true.
There`s actually a lot of dessert recipes that call for salt.
-Really? -lt`s true.
lt`s amazing.
So, you guys start. l`ll leave this here.
l`m actually gonna go and feed the ducks.
You`re leaving? You...you`re going away?
-l... love... her! -Yeah.
-Keep her. -And she`s pretty.
She`s a hell cat.
-Hi. there! -Hello!
Beautiful day, isn`t it?
Yeah, it really is.
Oh, no!
How come you guys are eating our food?
So what was the bet?
lf the Bucks won, l could shove a burrito in your face.
The last time you lost, l was supposed
to get to piss on your foot, and l never did.
What are you waiting for? You wanna piss on my foot, be my guest.
-Hey, Neil? -Yeah?
You wanna see me piss on his foot?
Sure. Just not in the store.
-Take your snicker off. -Hey, slow down...
Why don`t we go Double Or Nothing on tonight`s game?
l don`t understand what l`d get if l win.
How do l double up pissing on your foot?
Both feet.
Shit! l forgot about the game. l`m supposed to go to Violet`s tonight.
What, the prankster doesn`t let you watch TV?
lt`s not that.
lt`s just, she likes to act stuff out, like scenes, l guess.
-She couldn`t be more perfect for you. -You`d think so, right?
Too bad, man, it`s gonna be a great game.
l know. Shit.
-Are your friends mad at me? -No. They thought it was cute.
Where`s the cat lady tonight?
l don`t know. Sometimes she goes out.
l think she`s balling that guy that picks up the aluminum cans.
Do you think we should go check on the cats?
Not especially.
lt`s been dark over there for a few hours now.
l think we should go and check on them.
-What`s your angle? -What?
``And it`s Clensel pushing the ball up the court.``
``He stops at the top of the key, takes a look at the clock.``
``Four points out with Scott down on the baseline,``
``Scott puts up and it`s...``
Yeah! Yes! Yes!
Sorry.
Why? That was the first cool thing to happen all night.
No, come on, that was amazing!
Wait. Are you pissed because l wanna watch the game?
No. l just don`t get it. lf you like basketball,
we could be out playing basketball right now.
We could be sneaking into a high school gym,
playing basketball by candlelight.
Yeah. No.
But, sometimes it`s nice to do something that`s...
fun with just not a little... screwy and weird... you know?
Whenever l`m in a cemetery, l try to look for the grave
of somebody who died the day l was born.
And then you steal the headstone and dump it on someone`s doorstep.
No! lt just gives you something to think about.
l mean, that guy was here and now he`s gone and l`m here.
l`m taking his place, you know?
Would he want me to sit around watching TV all day? No.
He`d want me to run around doing all sorts of shit.
And is this why you feel the need to...
go around and cause trouble?
l have a condition.
-lt`s called Boraphobia. -Boraphobia?
Bora... phobia.
l see, you`re allergic to boredom.
lt`s a very exotic and misunderstood disorder.
So you can understand why doctors are reluctant to diagnose it.
Hey, look, l...
You know, l, l, l... l hear what you`re saying...
and l wish l could be more totally reckless.
And l`m trying.
l mean, if you want to go nude hang gliding...
l`ll go nude hang gliding.
Really? No, because l know this guy...
lt`s a guy that actually does...
Not right now.
l could call him...
No. Not right now. l... Just, just let me finish.
l wanna do those things, but just in a more... not insane way. So, l...
l`d go nude hang gliding, but,
l just don`t want to go to bed one night and then wake up...
and find myself in hang glider with no clothes on.
Are you okay with that?
l understand.
Good!
You wanna come back to my place?
l don`t think so.
-Are you upset with me? -No, not at all.
lt`s just, you`ve got in my head now
the idea of you getting out of your clothes...
and into a hang glider with out waking you up,
my wheels are spinning.
l don`t really think you want me in bed with you tonight.
Right. Fair enough.
-Hey! -Hey!
-Pretty good crowd. -Yeah, it`s a really good band tonight.
We got the singer and the keyboard player from American Sex Club.
They also got the guitar`s base player from the Mustache Rides.
Plus, tonight they`ve got the drummer from
Tard sitting in, so should be a pretty bad ass.
You lost me, dude.
Okay, the drummer is drumming in a band called Tard.
Tonight he is not, alright?
Alright. l`m gonna check it out...
Yeah, it goes better that way. Learn from doing.
Hey! See you later!
So she likes musicians huh?
Thank you and good night.
That was great.
Of course it was great, baby. Why don`t you get me a beer?
So, you do this kind of thing much?
Balling guitar players? No, l don`t usually go for musicians.
Really?
Why did you think that l did, Neil?
Well, you know, l`ve heard that chicks dig musicians.
No. Magicians. We go nuts for magicians.
Get the wax out of your ears.
So you, you never dated a musician?
Not even that guy that l saw you with at Baltimore Jack`s?
l always know when you`re spying on me.
l get a little warm spot on the back of my neck right here.
That was for my benefit?
You`re a sicko.
Maybe, but l managed to bring out the rock star in you.
Nah, l`ve dated a few musicians. But l swore off.
-Really? Why`s that? -Well, first there was Gary Leathers...
You can chalk one up to youthful stupidity.
At least he had a great stage name.
Except that wasn`t his stage name.
Gary Leathers was his given name. His stage name was Randy Coxx.
Nice.
And then there was Rick Neonakis....
Rick`s only ambition in life was to play
the entire guitar solo from ``Hot For Teacher.``
And one summer day, on the roof of my apartment... he did it.
After more than 10 years, he finally nailed it.
And having fulfilled his only ambition in life.
there was really only one thing left for him to do.
Oh, my God!
And that put you off musicians forever.
Well, you would think so. Finally there was Garth Brodka,
a gigantic, bald musical prodigy from Poland.
See, l thought rock and roll was the problem, but this...
this classically trained gargantuan was 10 times worse than the rest.
And, then, what happened to that guy?
He`s been chasing me all over the country for the last 3 years.
l move to another city, he follows me, breaks down my door.
l move somewhere else,
he tracks me down again, breaks down my door again.
You know, and so on. Alright.
Well, l`m really tired. l`m going to go to bed. G`night.
Here you go.
l`ll take this.
-Really? -Yeah. l`ll take this.
Well, okay.
``Steve Jackson.`` Huh.
That`s a nice generic name you got there, Steve.
l guess.
lnteresting accent. Where`s that accent from?
-Wyoming? -Right.
You catch the game last night, Steve?
l think the Laker`s are gonna win it all again this year.
-Just like they did last year. -Yeah.
The Lakers didn`t win the championship last year, Steve.
Can l just get my card, please?
Well...
Remember when you were wondering why we don`t have more customers?
That`s him. That`s the guy.
What are you talking about?
Alright, knock it off, you crazy fucking Polock!
l got my eye on you, alright?
You ever set foot anywhere near Violet,
l will personally shit down your throat. You got it?
Who was that?
Oh, man...
lt`s Violet.
She plays these tricks on me, she tries to get inside my mind.
She thinks it`s funny,
so she tells me there`s this guy after her,
this bald guy her ex boyfriend...
l`m trying to watch the movie.
You`re the Polock.
You`re Polish?
Jerry Lewis is gonna make a salad.
Hello? Violet? Hello?
Violet? Violet?
Hello?
Jesus!
Jesus, Violet!
This is bullshit!
Come on now, man! l get it!
You said no one was gonna get hurt.
What was in your jacket?
God, Neil, you and your videotapes.
l`m sorry about your head. You think you can make it home alright?
Yeah, l`m okay.
-Nice to meet you. -Yeah, nice to meet you too.
Dennis?
You know, every time l see you,
l feel like l`m on one of those hidden camera shows.
That`s not so bad. People love those shows, right?
No. l don`t love those shows. l hate those shows.
What was l supposed to do tonight? What was supposed to happen?
l don`t know. Whatever you wanted to do.
You are the guy who sits around all day,
watching this kind of shit on TV. What does the guy on TV do?
What do you mean l watch this kind of shit?
How do you know what l`m... ?
My God, do you spy on me?
-That is crazy! -Why?
-You can`t see how crazy that is? -No!
There`s not one guy in the world would go out with a girl who spies on him!
But we`re getting to know each other.
We`re finding out about each other.
And there`s no better way to get to know somebody than to...
catch them in their unguarded moments.
Anybody can say all the right things on those first few dates.
l find that it`s an effective way to cut through the bullshit.
And, you followed me just the other day.
Yes. l followed you.
You were being cagey.
You were practically begging me to follow you home.
l am not one of those insecure girls
who runs around spying on her boyfriend...
because she thinks he might be cheating on her. That is just sad.
Oh, no, you, definitely project confidence.
Yeah, l happen to think...
l`m a real catch, so why shouldn`t l be thorough about who l go out with?
Yes, so l watched you.
And, l`ve found out that you`re a really decent person.
You are.
So, if it`s the spying that bothers you...
l promise to put down my binoculars.
Unless you want to go bird-watching, which l will gladly do.
Even though it sounds kind of boring.
No, l`m sorry. l can`t...
l can`t....
Oh, man!
Well, l still say that Korean snuff cartoons...
are much better than Japanese deathmatch anime.
Well, l say that Japanese deathmatch anime...
is much, much better than Korean snuff cartoons.
Well, l still say that Korean snuff cartoons...
are much better than Japanese deathmatch anime.
You`re crazy. Japanese deathmatch anime is so...
much better than Korean snuff cartoons.
You are crazy. Korean snuff cartoons are...
Shut up! Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
Excuse me. You guys have any Japanese deathmatch anime?
Yes, but we can`t talk about it
because our boss broke up with his girlfriend.
l think l`m gonna leave you guys alone.
Hey!
Have you ever seen any Korean snuff cartoons?
-No. -Nobody has. lt`s garbagge.
-Hi, Neil. -Hey. How`s it going?
-Good. How are you? -Good. You look good.
-Thank you. You do too. -Thanks.
lt`s so funny, l was just thinking about you.
-ls that a fact? -Yeah.
-Hey you. -Hey.
-This is Chad. -Chad.
This is the guy l was just telling you about.
-The old boyfriend? -Yeah. Guilty.
The guy that had the waiter throw the bucket of water on you?
Well, first of all, it wasn`t a bucket...
and l was just trying to observe from a distance...
her reaction...
Sounds like a perv to me.
No, that`s cool.
So you were, like, just hiding in the bushes
and jerking off like some kind of pathetic peeping tom?
No. We should definitely get together sometime.
..and last, but not least, there`s a letter...
from a place called Movie Dork Video in San Clemente.
This guy`s going under and he needs to liquidate.
So, he wants 3+000 bucks.
And, if we buy everything for 3+000 bucks,
he`ll give us free shipping.
Which is great, but,
obviously there`s a lot of crap here that we don`t need...
like, 8 copies of ``Ernest Goes to Camp``.
But he does have some stuff that we don`t have.
So, we could just try to take everything and save on the shipping.
Which is not a bad idea, or...
we can cherry pick and...
We can do this later, if you want.
Oh, God, Lucien!
She has ruined it for me, Lucien.
l mean, it`s all so boring now!
Hey! Let`s put in a movie.
No! No more movies. lt`s no use. lt`s not enough anymore, you know.
lt`s all so mundane and so predictable, Lucien.
Look, it`s Jason.
Jason is gonna come in here, and he`s gonna hand me a package...
and then he`s gonna hand me his thing, and l`m gonna...
sign the thing, and l`m gonna hand it right back to him...
and then he`s gonna get in his truck and he`s gonna drive off!
lt`s so predictable, Lucien!
lt`s not enough anymore, you know.
Where`s the adventure?
There`s no adventure, man...
Where`s the adventure, Lucien?
-You signed it ``Neil Adventure.`` -l did?
You crossed out ``Adventure`` and then wrote ``Adventure`` again.
What does it matter, Jason?
lt matters because l`m actually responsible for any package...
that doesn`t have a valid signature of receipt.
-Jesus Christ! -Man, l don`t make the rules.
Lighten up, Jason
Shit!
Gumshoe Video.
-Do you guys have Westerns? -Yes, we do.
l really want to rent a couple of Westerns,
But l only have enough money for one.
Oh! Well, as it happens we`re actually doing a special tonight,
which means you can get...
Yeah, but l really only feel comfortable renting
Westerns from a guy dressed as a cowboy.
Do you have anybody there dressed like a cowboy?
Yeah, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Gumshoe Video.
Why did you hang up on me?
l guess l`m never gonna learn, huh?
l know. lt`s brilliant.
So, l wonder how you knew what l was wearing.
Don`t bother looking out the window. l`m actually at work.
-You have a job? -Yeah.
You wanna come pick me up from work?
l was gonna keep the store open for another hour,
-so... -...have to come now.
Yeah. l guess l could.
l guess l could come now.
Park in the lot behind the bookstore, and then walk north up the alley.
-This sounds dubious. -Oh, it`s very dubious.
3 buildings up, there`s a stairwell
that leads up to a door on the 2nd floor.
Doorway to 2nd floor. Got it.
When you get to the door, give it 3 long knocks, then 3 short knocks.
3 long knocks, 3 short knocks. Got it.
And Neil, you absolutely have to keep the cowboy outfit on.
Oh! Hey! Take it easy, brother!
-Just take it easy. -No, wait, man.
-Wait! Hang on! -No, you hang on!
Okay cowboy, just be cool, alright? Don`t do anything crazy.
Goddamnit, Glenn! Just give him the cash!
Alright, nobody needs to get hurt, okay? Okay, guy?
Alright, Glenn.
Why don`t you just toss that pouch... over here real nice and easy-like.
And then we`ll just take it from there.
Good. Now, you stay right there.
l`m just gonna take a look at the little missy here.
What the Sam Hill is going on in here, Glenn?
Be careful, Andy, he`s got a gun.
-How did he get in here, Glenn? -We let him in, Andy!
-Why did you let him in, Glenn? -He used the secret knock, Andy!
l told you the secret knock was a bad idea!
-No, you didn`t! -Yes, l did!
l said as soon as you leak it out it`s not secret anymore!
No, that`s what you said about the secret password, Andy.
lt`s the same goddamn thing, Glenn!
Alright, guys, l get it. Andy, come on. Andy?
l get it. Come on.
Why don`t you step over there behind the desk with old Glenn? Andy?
What`s he wearing?
-What does it look like? -lt looks like a dress.
No, it`s a poncho. He`s obviously a cowboy.
You never seen a cowboy before?
So now, what you guys got going on here?
Holy shit!
An underground Blackjack club!
Hey, you look like ``The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly`` guy!
Come here, poncho! That`s right!
Faster!
l`ll meet you there.
Glenn!
-Glenn! -Hi, Andy. What?
What are you doing?
l`m washing myself. l`m cooling down. l`m hot.
What happened to your head? Are you okay?
-l fell down. -You okay?
No, l`m not okay. l got a headache.
Oh, my God!
Do you know what we did?
Listen to me, Neil. lt wasn`t supposed to be dangerous.
The owner wasn`t supposed to be there.
l never thought for a minute that somebody was gonna shoot at you.
l mean, holy shit,
that was the wildest thing l have ever done in my whole life!
How many people can say they`ve done something like that, huh?
l thought you`d never wanna see me again.
Are you kidding me? There is like, there is like, 20...
20,000 dollars in this bag.
How long have you been planning this? This is genius!
You know what l think?
That they think that it`s an inside job.
Because if they do, you should quit right away.
No! Not right away.
You should tell them that you`re suffering
from some kind of post-traumatic stress.
That way they won`t suspect anything.
l`m serious, Neil.
l thought you wouldn`t wanna have anything to do with me after this.
We need to find a way to get my car back.
Good thing you told me to park it up the street.
l can have Lucien go get it, right?
What, is it my cut?
ls it, baby? So, how does this work?
l guess you are the brains, l`m the monkeywrench. Yeah?
You know what l hate about all those
old detective movies that you always watch?
No. What?
lt`s always so obvious the dame is up to no good.
lt always turns out the girl`s playing the guy for a sap
every time.
And everybody knows it, except for the poor sap.
No. There are some good movies, um...
where the dame turns out to be alright.
Uh... ``Key Largo`` for instance.
You`re the nicest guy l`ve ever met.
And l`m a terrible person.
Are you never gonna stop falling for this shit?
Wait!
What are you doing to me, Violet? Why are you doing this?
-Why are you like this? -Because l really like you.
-Give me a break. -No, l`m crazy about you.
-l believe the first half of that. -l`m just trying to protect myself.
That doesn`t make any sense.
lt doesn`t? Let me guess,
you`ve never been in a relationship longer than a year.
Well, 15 month once.
15 months before you start to get restless.
Just one year before you start to look at your girlfriend
like she`s an old comfortable shoe.
Because she`s not Greta Garbo or Faye Dunaway.
And then it`s just a matter of time before zip,
out the door, nice knowing you!
Does it make me crazy because l never want
you to look at me like an old comfortable shoe?
You are the sweetest, most interesting...
most creative guy l`ve ever met.
But you are fundamentally screwed up.
l mean, you spend half your life hanging out
with fictional characters. What woman can live up to that?
And l should point out, Neil, that...
it takes two to tango. l mean,
lf you weren`t the most gullible son of a bitch l`ve ever met...
l wouldn`t feel obliged to do these things to you.
l mean, give me a break,
you`re like the baby that never gets tired of Peekaboo.
Every time, it`s like you`ve never seen this trick before!
Maybe you`re right and l am some kind of sick...
twisted baby, but, come on, how can this possibly work?
How can people live like this?
You know, how do l know you`re not just gonna vanish in a couple of days?
That`s easy. Just don`t let me out of your sight.
l mean, how do l know l`m not gonna end up...
in a bathtub of ice water with my liver taken out?
lt`s either spend your life wondering whether
l`m gonna steal your liver...
or try and find a woman you`ll never take for granted, you choose.
Can a person live without his liver?
What do l look like? The Surgeon General?
Okay.
Put some clothes on.
You gotta come take a ride in the new car.
Come on!
Wait...
Neil, come on!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
Come on!
You spent all that money on a car?
You think l wanted to walk the rest of my life looking like a shmuck?
Well, l like it.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
And l didn`t spend all the money. Not even close.
That was a lot of money that we stole.
Hey. l stole.
Yeah, well, there`s enough money left for...
a week in Vegas.
No. l don`t even want to think about the kind
of trouble you`d get me into in Vegas.
Puerto Vallarta?
No. No Mexican prisons. l`ve heard stories.
Mount Rushmore?
Defacing a national monument. 5 to 10 years.
-Graceland? -Graceland?
Hey, you want to let me drive?
How come?
l just have this image of you pulling a ``Thelma and Louise`` and...