[Ryan Reynolds] Hello there.
I'm Ryan Reynolds.
Yeah, hmm.
That Ryan Reynolds.
I'm a film actor,
occasionally I dabble in television
and other industries.
I'm also a father.
But I'm ready to move on from all of that crap.
So what's next?
Wildlife, that's what.
Nope, not these blowhards.
They don't need my help.
I'm here for these guys.
Nature's benchwarmers.
I'm talking grade-A freaks
and their freakin' bizarre, weird, freakshow lives.
Get ready for the Underdogs.
♪ I wanna be your underdog ♪
These guys are the grossest, weirdest...
♪ I'm not number one, but I'm second to none ♪
...the most unlikely stars in the great movie of life.
♪ Heroes are overrated when you are the outlaw ♪
Now it's their time to shine.
♪ Cuz I wanna be your underdog ♪
Wherever there is blatant mischief,
wherever there is abject cowardice,
wherever there is unbearable sexual tension...
...that's where you'll find the underdogs.
You tell 'em, Green Day.
♪ I'm not a loser ♪
♪ I wanna be your underdog ♪
I'm Ryan Reynolds.
♪ I wanna be your underdog ♪
And I endorse these weirdoes.
[hyena laughs]
Welcome to my home.
It's a busy temple overlooking the Indian Ocean.
And a beautiful setting for an ingenious hustle.
♪ ♪
This is me, a long-tailed macaque.
Some say I sound like Ryan Reynolds.
I don't know why. I've never been to Canada.
♪ ♪
This is the story of how underdogs like us can get ahead
through slightly underhanded means.
♪ ♪
Generalized scheming.
♪ ♪
Thievery.
Also, maybe just a little bit of light, uh, racketeering.
♪ ♪
Not sure what I mean?
[gasp]
Take it away, guys.
♪ ♪
[Tourist] Ah!
♪ ♪
[scream]
♪ ♪
They say crime doesn't pay.
Sure does in our case.
[gasping]
The real prize is food,
which we figured out we're given in exchange
for returning the tourists' trashy-ass belongings.
[gasp]
♪ ♪
[screeching]
Nice work.
But petty theft, that's just the beginning.
There are underdogs out there
with a whole host of special skills,
and I've got a job in mind that calls for the best of the best.
I'm building a crack team of devious animals,
drawn from all over the world.
Each one a hustler.
Each one a master of their own unique con.
♪ ♪
Experts when working alone.
♪ ♪
But put 'em all together and I've got the lineup I need
to pull off the perfect heist.
♪ ♪
First up, we need someone who knows how to go undercover.
Deep undercover.
♪ ♪
But there's no one here.
Or is there?
[camera shutter clicking]
[chuckles]
Oh, you've just been fooled by the hairy frogfish.
♪ ♪
His flamboyant frills aren't my idea of subtle,
but down here, they allow him to blend in perfectly
while he goes hunting.
The change of current has just blown his cover.
That's bad news for a guy
who relies on the element of surprise.
But you don't live life as a bottom-feeder
without having a few tricks up your sleeve.
Including walking.
♪ ♪
That's not bad for a fish, huh?
But with this guy, I've learned to expect the unexpected.
♪ ♪
Now he just has to motor his boat to a new location,
his next big target.
This place looks pretty good.
Plenty of prey in these dark crevices.
Reminds me of that airport bathroom in Minneapolis.
Now, watch the master at work.
A quick disguise change
that takes...
two... whole... weeks.
♪ ♪
Two, what, two full business weeks?!
Ooph.
Wow.
♪ ♪
Okay, so he's not the most efficient criminal on Earth.
But you give him a mere 336 hours,
and he has transformed from a mid-winter pale
to a late summer dark and deadly.
That's perfect for blending in to his new hunting grounds.
And just like my Internet browser,
incognito mode, baby.
Wow.
Now all he's gotta do is set the bait and reel 'em in.
What's the bait?
Oh, you know, it's a bit of modified fin
that looks like a worm.
It's a little gamey, but, uh, it's also, you know, chewy,
impossible to digest.
Oh, that poor unsuspecting fish.
He will be missed.
Gone, in a few thousandths of a second.
And that was just the appetizer.
♪ ♪
There's the main course.
And there's dessert.
And besides a little indigestion,
he's the perfect hidden hitman.
And a must for my lineup.
♪ ♪
Sadly, with my international notoriety,
I've no hope of going incognito.
But you do not get the job done with undercover work alone.
We need intel, and lots of it.
♪ ♪
Most animals out there
subscribe to the same tired deal we all do.
You work hard, you try your best,
follow the rules, and you'll be rewarded.
Well, we hustlers have a word
for animals who fall for those instructions:
suckers.
Marks.
Targets.
Morons.
[chirping]
These warblers are living the all-American dream.
♪ ♪
Teeny, tiny white picket fences,
working day in and day out to put food on the table
so their 2.5 kids can grow big and strong.
♪ ♪
And deeply resentful of their parents
and all their hard work.
Yes, those little [bleep] won't understand it
till they have their own kids.
[cheeping]
But one of their little ones is turning out to be
much bigger than the others.
[cheeping]
To understand why that is,
we need to rewind the tape a little.
[rewinding]
For weeks, these hardworking warblers
have been under surveillance.
♪ ♪
By a master of the secret sting operation.
That's right, it's a cowbird.
♪ ♪
She's been secretly staking out the nest,
keeping track of the number of eggs as they're laid.
And then, while the warblers go off warbling,
or whatever it is that warblers do all day...
[chirping]
...the cowbird comes by to drop off a very special package.
If she's caught, her plan will be ruined.
But my colleague has an unusual talent,
perfect for an aviary infiltrator.
She can lay an egg in under seven seconds.
♪ ♪
Boom. [doorbell rings]
Special delivery, suckers.
This inexplicably giant extra egg might seem pretty obvious,
but these warblers are dumb as a bag of bricks.
How do you still exist?
Sorry.
To these literal birdbrains, it checks out.
But don't go thinking that this is a one-off, no, no, no, no.
This is just a tiny part of a whole empire of espionage.
Over one season, the cowbird gathers data on multiple nests,
memorizing their locations and monitoring their status.
Ready to hit each nest with an extra egg
when it maximizes her own chick's chances.
And she's got no fancy mainframe computer, mind you.
The most impressive part is all that intel is safely stored
in her high-powered, pistachio-sized brain.
By the end of the season, this feathered little egg dispenser
can have laid up to 50 stealthy eggs in unsuspecting nests.
♪ ♪
Now that's a hustle.
The warblers, they never appear to catch on to the reason
that one of their babies is so oversized.
[cheeping]
They feed him and raise him along with their own brood.
[chirping]
And by outsourcing the work,
the cowbird produces far more chicks
than she could on her own.
As parenting goes, it's a masterstroke.
[chirp]
And as an example of reconnaissance,
it's just genius.
And the reason that she's the one I trust
to be the eyes and ears of my operation.
So, I have my master of disguise
and surveillance specialist.
But what about when we need equipment?
Well, when it comes to making something out of nothing,
turns out I know just the guy.
I just need to pry him away from the ladies.
♪ ♪
Welcome to Wales.
Don't call it England.
Beautiful country, and allegedly a great place
to go into witness protection.
[baaing]
♪ ♪
They call my next associate The Spider.
♪ ♪
Because he's, well, he's a... he's a spider.
♪ ♪
With this one, what you see is rarely what you get.
But charm like this can entangle anyone.
♪ ♪
He's out doing what he does best.
Searching for a lady spider willing to mate.
♪ ♪
Luckily for him, some females want to be found.
And they leave a trail of silk for him to follow.
Been there.
♪ ♪
But if something seems too easy,
it's usually because there's a catch.
♪ ♪
Yes, a trail of dead bodies is a bit of a red flag.
♪ ♪
This is the female.
She's a man-eater.
Literally.
Eats them.
The last five guys, well, let's just say
they got more than they bargained for.
♪ ♪
So our spider friend is gonna need a plan,
and he's thinking the perfect gift might do the trick.
The perfect gift obviously being the corpse of a fly.
But his skills don't extend to web building to catch food.
And catching flies on foot
is really hard work.
♪ ♪
He's gotta get creative
and use his special set of skills...
Counterfeiting.
♪ ♪
And what could he offer in place of a juicy fly?
Flowers, that's what, my man.
Flowers.
Expertly dressed up in silk to look like the real thing.
♪ ♪
Flowers are not as popular in the spider-verse
as they are in the human world,
but as long as she doesn't notice until he's gone,
my old friend might just get away with it.
♪ ♪
Understandably, he's a bit nervous.
♪ ♪
After all, it's a first date with a serial killer.
We've all been there. [chuckles]
The trick is to get out of the car as quickly as you can.
Time to present the spider woman
with his generous package.
Careful now.
♪ ♪
She seems to be taking the bait.
And if you don't want to know what spider sex looks like,
look away now.
♪ ♪
Even though you won't. I know I'm not.
I'm never looking away.
That's hot,
but mostly weird.
You're still looking, aren't you?
Me too.
I can't stop.
Ah, so, so gross, but so beautiful.
So majestic.
But mostly gross.
♪ ♪
So, he got away with it this time,
but I did say he's got an insatiable appetite
for the ladies,
and he never did learn to quit when he was ahead.
♪ ♪
He keeps on wrapping flowers and keeps on fooling females.
♪ ♪
Until he starts to get complacent,
wrapping up any old trash.
♪ ♪
And as all forgers know,
when your handiwork starts to get sloppy,
that's the day consequence comes knocking at the door.
♪ ♪
That's right.
That's the day...
you get nailed.
♪ ♪
RIP Spider, you died doing what you love.
I guess this is one job
that I'll be pulling off without you.
[baa]
So, I find myself with a vacancy in my lineup.
I'm thinking maybe it's time for an infiltrator,
someone, someone comfortable being behind enemy lines.
Trouble is there's always that one character
that takes the acting way too far, and goes 110% full method.
And I love working with method actors.
When your process has to become my process, that's teamwork.
♪ ♪
These fancy feathered show-offs are male ruffs.
♪ ♪
Once a year, thousands of these birds
fly all the way here from Africa,
for what I believe the Nordics call
[in Nordic accent] a super friendly good time sex party.
♪ ♪
The males are joined by less extravagant-looking females.
♪ ♪
Among them is my contact, Philippa.
She and the other ladies are met with a dance extravaganza
that involves more feathers
than a cabaret in a chicken coop.
♪ ♪
♪ Sinew exploding from chrome hooves ♪
♪ Can he run in a tutu? ♪
♪ 'Cause he moves like a generator ♪
♪ He puts the foot down and see you later (later) ♪
What usually happens when a bunch of egomaniacs face off
in a high-stakes dance contest?
♪ Go-go ♪
♪ Watch-watch my-my... ♪
Yeah, it descends into a little slap fight.
♪ ♪
♪ Look at him go ♪
No, keep going, it doesn't look stupid.
♪ Look at him go ♪
The males, they're so busy scrapping and posing
that most of them forget
they're even here to mate at all.
♪ Ask us to kneel and bow to the floor ♪
♪ She said no and she asked, "What for?" ♪
Which must be a little frustrating for the females,
who have flown 4,000 miles to...
not get any action.
But that's when Philippa steps up.
♪ ♪
While the males are busy fighting each other,
she sneaks in
and mates with the females.
Yes, you heard me, plot twist!
Big one.
Philippa is actually Phil.
♪ ♪
This method-acting genius is one of the 1%
of the male ruff population that has female plumage.
This way he avoids the brawling
and gets close enough to the ladies
to make sweet, sweet feathery love.
And when it comes to staying in character,
Phil is nothing short of a professional,
even letting the other males mate with him
to maintain the disguise.
That's commitment.
Textbook infiltration.
And thus I have come 180 on method acting.
There it is, that's why you do it, that's why you commit.
By the time the other males figure out they've been played,
he's out of there,
leaving them nothing to do but carry on fight-dancing.
♪ ♪
Okay, guys, you can stop now, the ladies are all gone.
You know what, actually, keep going.
This is the one, this is the one that's gonna solve it.
[Reynolds] No matter how stacked your lineup is,
when pulling off a heist,
you never know when you might hit a snag.
♪ ♪
That's why every team needs someone with a cool head
and the smarts to figure their way out of a tight spot.
And they don't make 'em any more cunning
than they do...
[Australian accent] down under.
♪ ♪
One of my guys is about to demonstrate
exactly how you come out swinging
when your back is against the wall.
Because he's about to come up against her,
an assassin bug.
♪ ♪
And take it from me, she didn't get that name
by helping old ladies across the road.
♪ ♪
She's searching the forest for her next victim.
♪ ♪
And is homing in on my little friend, the mad hatterpillar.
A name earned by sporting some of Mother Nature's
most unusual head apparel.
But unfortunately for him, he's about to enter
the most vulnerable stage of his life cycle.
After gorging himself on leaves,
he needs to shed his skin,
which has become too tight for his body.
Think of it like trying to wrestle your way
out of a sleeping bag that's two sizes too small,
or early 2000s skinny jeans while wearing a Halloween mask
with a unicorn horn on your head.
I'm not saying I've done that,
but a lot of things happened, uh, in the early 2000s,
that you carried over right into 2019, like skinny jeans,
and you just think wow, I should've,
why didn't someone say something?
I've been married, and you could've, you know.
Oh, no!
The assassin bug is closing in.
♪ ♪
As he finally leaves his old skin behind,
he holds onto one bit:
the head.
Because it turns out his pointy headgear is not just a fun hat,
it's four stories of previous head skin
all stacked on top of the other,
and his secret weapon
in the fight against would-be assassins.
♪ ♪
When it comes to carrying out all the murdering,
the assassin bug's evil-looking pointy mouth part
is capable of stabbing, liquefying,
and sucking up brains all in one neat, pointy package.
But only if you know which head is the real one.
♪ ♪
She's utterly bamboozled
by the hatterpillar's four-story head hat.
♪ ♪
And doesn't know where to strike.
In her confusion, she targets the fake heads.
♪ ♪
Harmless to the caterpillar
who then uses his head hat...
...as a weapon.
♪ ♪
Blow by blow, the hatterpillar battles the assassin bug
to the edge of the leaf.
And, well, so long, assassin bug.
♪ ♪
The hatterpillar is a must on the crew.
And as I always say, don't bring a knife to a head fight.
I never say that, but I did that just now,
alluding to the fact that I do say it often.
But I don't.
[Reynolds] So I've got almost every underdog I need
to pull off the perfect crime.
There's just one critical thing left.
Every team needs someone to take the fall.
♪ ♪
And this family knows all about that.
♪ ♪
The jackals.
♪ ♪
An extra mouth to feed has put pressure on these guys
to deliver the goods.
[screeching]
Trouble is, everything they might hunt
is either too big...
too fast...
...or too much of a psycho.
Oh, you know who you are, Barry!
Remember that time in Baton Rouge?
Yeah, you do.
And frankly, when you've eaten termites once,
it's one time too many.
[whimper]
But other animals are managing to catch food.
[growling]
[crunch]
Maybe steal something?
[yowl]
[distant yowl]
You do not wanna steal from this guy, though,
unless you're prepared to deal with the fallout.
♪ ♪
Some of the team approach from the front.
[growl]
But while the lion's eyes are on them...
[barking]
the real hero sneaks around back.
His job is to distract the big guy.
[growl]
And if he wants to come out alive,
he'll have to get it just right.
Knock-knock, Mufasa.
[growling]
He has to run for his life,
but he draws the lion off for just long enough.
♪ ♪
The rest of the pack can make off with the goods.
Back to the den,
to vomit up the spoils for their hungry child.
Get it all out, hold his hair back.
There you go.
And as for this legend,
he took the heat,
and this time he survived.
So, there you have it,
my little black book of associates.
All masters of deception,
and altogether, everyone I need to pull off the big one.
But we're not done yet.
There's something else you need to know about me.
♪ I am flesh and I am bone ♪
The reason I get to be the brains of this whole operation.
You know that part of the movie where you realize
there's slightly more to a crime caper than meets the eye?
That's this part.
♪ Mmmmmm ♪
♪ Like glitter ♪
So let's take another look at my Bali operation.
♪ ♪
♪ Do you talk to the animals? ♪
♪ Do you hold... ♪
My light-fingered monkey cousins
may be fantastic at stealing the small stuff.
While they're busy doing that,
I figured out the thing humans value above all else.
♪ ♪
They're willing to trade fruit
for their glasses and hats, right?
So I figured they'd give a whole lot more
for the tiny glass boxes that hold their souls.
♪ Rise up, ting ting, like glitter ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
And you know what?
I was right.
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Like glitter ♪
♪ Do you walk in the valley... ♪
It may not be much to you,
but around here, an egg is an upgrade on a mango.
♪ Do you walk in the shadow of men ♪
♪ Who sold their lives to a dream? ♪
I've run the numbers, and it's 16.25 times better for protein.
But forget technicalities,
all you need to know is it's a stroke of genius,
carried out by yours truly, the mastermind.
♪ Like glitter ♪
Always one step ahead.
[chortles] I'm sorry, I'm working on my evil laugh.
♪ ♪
[Newscaster] News just in of an audacious heist
police are calling the crime of the century.
Forensics say they are mystified by traces of fur, feathers,
and what looks to be a tiny sleeping bag
found at the scene.
Meanwhile detectives say they are searching for a...
am I reading this right?
A fish, some birds, a jackal,
a caterpillar, and a monkey,
thought to be the ringleader of the operation.
All remain at large.
[Reynolds] I love a heist movie.
This one's giving me Rat Pack vibes.
♪ ♪
[birds singing]
♪ ♪
大家好，我是萊恩雷諾斯
對，就是那個萊恩雷諾斯
我是電影演員
我偶爾也涉足電視和其他行業
我也是父親
但我已經準備好擺脫這些破事了
接下來要涉足什麼？
野生動物，就是這個
不，不是這種自以為是的傢夥
牠們不需要我的幫助 我是為了這群傢夥而來的
大自然的冷板凳選手們
我說的可是頂級怪咖
牠們那些荒誕詭異、超乎想像的異常生活
準備好迎接隱秘的動物英雄吧
這群傢夥是最噁心、最詭異…
也是生命這部偉大電影中 最意想不到的明星
現在輪到牠們大放異彩了
無論哪裡有明目張膽的惡作劇 無論哪裡有懦弱之舉
無論哪裡有難以忍受的性張力…
那裡就會有隱秘的動物英雄
年輕歲月，交給你們了
我是萊恩雷諾斯
而我全力支持這群怪胎
《隱秘的動物英雄》
（峇里）
歡迎來到我的家
這是一座俯瞰印度洋的熱鬧寺廟
也是一場巧妙詐術的絕美舞臺
這是我，一隻長尾獼猴
有人說我聽起來像萊恩雷諾斯
我也不知道為什麼，我又沒去過加拿大
（旁白並非萊恩雷諾斯）
這集故事是關於像我們這種被低估的角色
如何靠著微不正當的手段闖出一片天
例如賊頭賊腦耍詭計
偸竊
也許還有一點敲詐勒索
不太懂我的意思？
天啊
給大家示範一下
大家總說犯罪沒好報
對我們來說卻有好報
眞正的報酬是食物
我們發現一個訣竅 衹要搶走觀光客的破爛東西
再還給他們，他們就會給我們食物
幹得好
（小偸）
但小偸小搶衹是個開始
這世上被看扁的族群個個身懷絕技
我正好有個任務，需要召集最頂尖的人才
我要打造一支狡猾動物特攻隊
隊員來自世界各地
每個都是老練的騙徒 擅長自己獨門的詐術
（偽裝大師）
（臥底）
牠們是單打獨鬥的行家
（誘餌）
但若能集結起來
我就擁有一支能完成完美搶案的夢幻陣容
（代罪羔羊）
（嫌犯一個比一個怪）
首先我們需要一個臥底高手
深藏不露的高手
（印尼）
但這裡一無所有
眞的嗎？
你剛被這條毛茸茸的躄魚騙了
（偽裝大師）
牠那一身花俏的裝飾 一點也不低調，但在這海底
那正是牠能完美隱身、潛伏狩獵的關鍵
不過水流一變，牠的偽裝就被揭穿了
對一個靠奇襲過活的傢夥來說 這可不是什麼好事
但你想在海洋的底層混
就不能沒有幾個看家本領
包括走路這招
對一條魚來說還不錯吧？
但見識過這傢夥後，我學會了見怪不怪
現在牠要駕著自己的身體轉移陣地
尋找下一個目標
這地方看起來不錯 黑闇的裂縫裡有滿滿的獵物
讓我想起明尼亞波里斯機場的那間廁所
來看牠大顯身手
一次快速的偽裝大變身
衹需要整整兩週
什麼？兩個完整的工作週？
哇
好吧，所以牠不是地球上最有效率的罪犯
但衹要給牠三百卅六小時
牠就能從如仲冬般的慘白膚色
變身成夏末般的深色殺手風格
剛好可以完美融入新的獵場
就像我用的瀏覽器，無痕模式，寶貝
哇
現在牠衹要設下誘餌，等獵物上鉤
那誘餌是什麼？
是一塊改造過的魚鰭，看起來像條蟲
有點腥味，但有嚼勁，不好消化
那條毫無防備的可憐小魚
我們會懷念你的
幾千分之一秒的時間，牠就沒了
而那衹是開胃菜
主菜來了
還有甜點
除了消化有點困難
牠是完美的隱形殺手
必須納入我的陣容
可惜像我這種國際名人是別想低調了
但光靠潛伏無法完成任務
我們需要情報，大量的情報
（密西根）
大多數動物都遵循著大家熟知的規矩
努力工作、盡力而為 循規蹈矩，你就會得到回報
但我們騙子有幾個詞 專門形容輕信這套規則的動物
儍瓜、靶子、獵物、笨蛋
這些森鶯過著典型美國夢的生活
有小白色柵欄
為了養家糊口日復一日工作
好讓牠們幾個孩子能成長茁壯
但孩子們對父母 和他們的辛勞工作深懷不滿
對，那群小屁孩 要等到自己有小孩才會明白
但其中一隻雛鳥
長得比其他雛鳥大得多
要理解為什麼，我們要倒回去看一下
（暫停）
（倒帶）
（播放）
這些勤奮的森鶯已被監視好幾個星期
監視者是一位祕密行動的大師
沒錯，就是牛鸝
（監視專家）
牠一直在悄悄監視這鳥巢
記錄下蛋的數量
然後在森鶯出去鳴唱
或去忙其他事情時
這隻牛鸝就會過來放下一個特別的包裹
如果被發現，計畫就泡湯了
但我的隊友有一項非凡技能 非常適合當禽舍滲透者
牠可以在七秒內下一顆蛋
砰！特別快遞，儍瓜們
這顆異常巨大的蛋，乍看可能很明顯
但森鶯的腦袋蠢得像一袋磚塊
你們是怎麼活到現在的？
抱歉，對這些儍鳥來說，這完全合理
但別以為這衹是偶發事件，不…不
這衹是整個間諜帝國的冰山一角
牛鸝會用一整季的時間 収集許多鳥巢的數據
記住鳥巢的位置並監控狀況
等時機成熟，就在每個鳥巢下一顆蛋 增加自己雛鳥的存活機會
牠可不是依賴什麼高級電腦主機
最厲害的是所有這些情報都安全存在
牠那顆開心菓大小的高效大腦裡
到季節結束時，這隻小下蛋鳥
可以在毫無防備的鳥巢裡偸偸下達五十顆蛋
這就是騙術
這些森鶯從來沒察覺到
為什麼牠們有一隻雛鳥長那麼大
牠們還是會照顧牠 讓牠和自己的雛鳥一起養大
透過這種外包工作
牛鸝可以養育更多雛鳥 比牠自己直接孵化還要多
以育兒方式來說，這眞是神乎其技
以偵查行動的範例來說，這更是天才之作
這也是為什麼我相信牠 能成為我行動中的耳目
那麼我有偽裝大師和監視專家了
但我們需要裝備時該怎麼辦？
說到需要憑空創造
我正好知道該找誰
我衹要把牠從女人堆裡拉出來
（威爾斯）
歡迎來到威爾斯，請別稱呼它為英格蘭
美麗的國度
據說這裡是很適合 安排證人保護計畫的地方
接下來要介紹的夥伴，人稱蜘蛛
因為牠…就是一隻蜘蛛
這傢夥外表和實際情況通常差很多
但牠那股魅力，誰都可能被纏住
牠正在做自己最擅長的事
尋找願意交配的母蜘蛛
幸運的是，有幾隻母蜘蛛有意願被發現
牠們會留下一條絲線，好讓牠追蹤
這我有經驗
但事情要是太容易
通常就有鬼
對，一路上的蜘蛛屍體 這警訊是有點太明顯了
這隻母蜘蛛會吃掉公蜘蛛
千眞萬確
吃掉公蜘蛛
前五個傢夥衹能說是自討苦吃
所以我們的蜘蛛朋友必須有計畫
牠在想，也許完美的禮物能搞定母蜘蛛
這完美的禮物當然是蒼蠅屍體
但牠又不太會結網抓食物
而靠步行去抓蒼蠅
眞是太辛苦了
所以牠要有點創意，運用牠的專長
（偽造大師）
仿造
如果沒有美味的蒼蠅 牠能送什麼來騙過對方呢？
花，沒錯，就是花
用絲線精心包裝，以假亂眞
在蜘蛛界，花沒有人類世界
那麼受歡迎
但衹要在牠溜走之前沒被母蜘蛛發現破綻
我的老朋友或許能全身而退
牠緊張也是很合理
畢竟這可是和連環殺手的第一次約會
我們都懂
訣竅就是，下車要快
現在該把這份厚禮送給母蜘蛛了
小心點
母蜘蛛好像上鉤了
如果你不想看蜘蛛的交配過程 就把頭轉過去
雖然你不會移開視線 我也不會，我從不錯過這種事
好性感，但其實最主要是很詭異
你是不是還在看？我也是，根本停不下來
超噁心，但也好美
超壯觀，但還是噁
這次牠成功逃脫了
但我說過，牠對異性的慾望永無止盡
而牠從來沒學會見好就収
牠繼續用花包裝，繼續愚弄母蜘蛛
直到牠開始自滿，隨便拿些垃圾來包裝
偽造界的人都知道，當你開始敷衍了事
就是報應找上門的那天
沒錯
就是你被逮的那天
請安息，蜘蛛，你也算是 牡丹花下死，做鬼也風流
看來這項任務，我得獨自完成了
現在我的陣容出現一個空缺
或許該找個滲透者了
一個能自在潛伏在敵人陣營的傢夥
問題是總會有那麼一個角色
演得太過火，百分之一百一十投入方法派那一套
而我超愛跟那種方法派演員合作
當你的過程變成我的過程 那就是團隊合作
（芬蘭）
這些愛炫耀 有華麗羽毛的傢夥是公流蘇鷸
成千上萬的公流蘇鷸 每年一次從非洲飛到這裡
參加一場北歐人口中的 超友善歡樂性愛派對
外表較樸素的母流蘇鷸 隨後與這群公鳥會合
其中一個是我的眼線，菲莉帕
牠和其他母鳥一到場 就看到一場盛大的舞蹈秀
羽毛之多，彷彿是雞舍裡開了場歌舞秀
一群自大狂在一場高風險的舞蹈比賽中
正面對決時，通常會發生什麼事？
對，會淪為一場小甩巴掌大戰
繼續，嫑停，看起來一點也不蠢
公鳥們忙著打架、擺姿勢
大部份都忘了來這裡其實是為了交配
對於飛了六千多公里的母鳥來說
若事情沒辦成
肯定有點惱火
就在這時，菲莉帕出手了
公鳥們還在忙著互毆時
牠悄悄靠近
和母鳥們交配了
對，你沒聽錯，劇情大反轉！
菲莉帕其實是公鳥菲爾
（內應）
這位方法派演技天才，是流蘇鷸中
百分之一具有…
（菲爾）
…母鳥羽毛的公鳥
這樣一來，牠就能避開打鬥
成功接近母鳥們 來一場甜蜜、羽毛般溫柔的愛愛
在入戲這件事上，菲爾完全是專業演員
甚至會讓其他公鳥跟牠交配好維持偽裝
這才叫投入，敎科書級的滲透作戰
所以我對方法派演技整個一百八十度改觀
就是這樣 這就是為什麼你要全心全意投入
當其他公鳥終於發現自己被耍時
菲爾早就溜之大吉了
結果牠們衹能繼續跳牠們的戰舞
好了，各位，可以停了，母鳥都走了
不對，其實，繼續吧
就是這隻，牠可能是解決問題的關鍵角色
不管你的陣容有多堅強
在策劃一場搶案時 你永遠不知道什麼時候會卡關
這就是為什麼每個團隊 都需要一個頭腦冷靜
又聰明的成員，能在危急時想出脫身之計
說到狡猾，沒有比南半球的傢夥更有一套
（澳洲）
我有個手下馬上就要示範
當你被逼到牆角時要怎麼反擊
因為牠馬上要對上一隻食蟲椿象
相信我，那隻食蟲椿象可不是
靠著扶老太太過馬路才得到這封號
牠正在森林裡尋找下一個受害者
牠的目標正是我這位小朋友，瘋狂帽帽蟲
之所以有這個名字 是因為牠頭上頂著大自然界
最奇特的帽子造型之一
但不幸的是
牠正準備進入生命週期中最脆弱的階段
牠剛大吃一頓樹葉，現在要把那件
太緊的舊皮脫下來
你可以想像成 設法從一個小兩號的睡袋裡掙脫出來
或是脫掉二零零零年初的緊身牛仔褲
同時還戴著獨角獸角的萬聖節面具
我不是說我幹過這種事，但二零零零年初
流行過很多東西
你就一路穿到二零一九年，例如緊身牛仔褲
然後你心想：「為什麼沒人說點什麼？
我都結婚了，你可以早點提醒，好嗎？」
糟糕
食蟲椿象逐漸逼近
當帽帽蟲終於擺脫舊皮，卻保留了一部份
頭
原來牠那尖帽不衹是好玩的造型
而是牠四層舊頭皮堆疊起來的產物
這也是牠對抗殺手的祕密武器
說到殺人這件事
食蟲椿象那個邪惡的尖嘴器官
能刺穿、液化
並吸乾腦漿，一個尖小嘴涵蓋所有功能
但前提是，你要知道哪顆才是眞正的頭
（誘餌）
食蟲椿象完全被這頂 四層高的帽頭給搞糊塗了
不知道該從哪裡下手
在混亂之中，牠攻擊假的頭部
對帽帽蟲來說那毫無殺傷力 然後牠把這頂帽頭…
當成武器
一擊又一擊
帽帽蟲一路把食蟲椿象逼到樹葉的邊緣
再會了，食蟲椿象
這帽帽蟲絕對要納入團隊
正如我常說的：「別帶刀去打頭戰」
雖然我其實從來沒這麼說過 但我剛說了
闇示我經常這樣說，其實並沒有
現在我已幾乎湊齊所有冷門高手 來完成這場完美犯罪
衹剩下一個關鍵角色
每個團隊都需要一個揹鍋俠
（辛巴威）
這一家子非常懂得這一點
豺狼一家
家裡多了一張嘴要餵 讓牠們面臨覓食的壓力
問題是，想獵的目標要麼太大
要麼跑太快
要麼根本是瘋子
你知道我在說你，貝瑞
還記得在巴頓魯治那次嗎？對，你記得
說實話，吃過一次白蟻後
那一次也就夠嗆了
但其他動物還是能找到東西吃
也許搶點什麼？
不過，你可別搶這傢夥的東西
除非你準備好面對後果
有幾個同伴從正面接近
但就在獅子的目光被吸引時
眞正的英雄從後面繞過去
牠的任務是分散大塊頭的註意力
如果牠想活著回來
就要拿捏好分寸
哈囉，木法沙
牠必須拚命逃命
但牠成功把獅子引開一段時間
讓其他同伴成功搶走戰利品
回到巢穴
然後把食物吐出來，餵給飢餓的小孩
吐乾淨，把頭髮撥開
好了
至於這位傳奇英雄 牠扛下了風險，撿回一命
（替死鬼）
以上就是我那本黑皮書裡的夥伴們
每個都是詐騙高手 集結起來正是我完成驚天大案所需的陣容
但我還沒說完
關於我還有一件事你必須知道
為什麼我能當這場行動的軍師？
你知道電影裡的那種橋段，你突然發現
這場犯罪大戲 其實比看起來複雜得多，就是這一幕
來看我的峇里行動
我那些手腳靈活的猴子表親
專門偸一些小東西
就在牠們忙著偸竊時
我看出人類最重視的是什麼
他們願意用水菓 換回自己的眼鏡和帽子，對吧？
那我想他們肯定會拿出更多東西
去換那些裝著他們靈魂的小玻璃盒子
你知道嗎？我猜對了
對你來說也許沒什麼
但在這裡，一顆蛋比一顆芒菓還値錢
我算過了，蛋的蛋白質含量 比芒菓多了十六點二五倍
但別管技術細節了
你衹要知道這是個天才之舉
由我這個眞正的軍師策劃
永遠領先一步
（軍師）
抱歉，我在練習邪惡的笑聲
（新聞快報）
警方稱這起厚顏無恥的搶案
是本世紀最驚人的犯罪
現場發現的證物讓鑑識人員一頭霧水
包括動物毛、羽毛，還有一個迷你睡袋
同時警方表示目前正蒐索以下嫌犯…
我沒看錯吧？
一條魚、幾隻鳥、一隻豺狼 一條毛毛蟲，還有一隻猴子
據稱是這次犯罪行動的主謀
目前仍全數在逃
我超愛搶案電影
這好有鼠黨的風格