In the bleak days of 1983...
...as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy...
...the good, loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company...
...a once-proud family firm recently fallen on hard times...
...strained under the yoke of their oppressive, new corporate management.
Terrible. Really terrible.
Row!
That's it, Evans. You're fired.
You heard me. Out.
Did you hear that? He's been sacked.
Sacked?
Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em.
Come on!
Let me out of here!
I demand to see my lawyer!
Tooley! Come on.
Quiet! Silence!
Now, lads, let's move.
You, you and you, break open the weapons.
You, you and you, into the rigging.
-And you, put the kettle on. -Aye, sir.
There, there, Charles.
Sorry!
Come on, Tooley. This way!
Weigh the anchor!
Weigh the anchor.
And so, the Crimson Permanent Assurance...
...was launched upon the high seas of international finance.
Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route!
-Cup of tea, dear? -Hey, captain!
Look! To starboard!
There it lay: the prize they sought.
Hard to starboard!
A financial district swollen with multinationals, conglomerates...
...and fat, bloated merchant banks.
All right, lads, battle stations!
Come on! Move it!
-All right, then. That's enough. -Take cover.
Down, down!
Hard to starboard!
Fire!
Eric! My balance sheets!
Ross! Get the readouts!
-Stop him! -Eric!
-Thanks! -Charge!
-No, no! Let me! Let me! -Okay, Kane.
Captured!
Gotcha!
Take this.
Here. File this.
Shit!
And so, heartened by their initial success...
...the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance...
...battled on, until...
...as the sun set slowly in the west...
...the outstanding returns on their bold business venture became apparent.
Once-proud financial giants lay in ruins...
...their assets stripped...
...their policies in tatters.
Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!
"Up, up, up your premium
"Scribble away and balance the books
"Scribble away, but balance the books
"It's fun to charter an accountant
"And sail the wide accountancy
"To find, explore the funds offshore
"And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy
"lt can be manly insurance
"We'll up your premium semiannually
"It's all tax-deductible We're fairly incorruptible
"Sailing on the wide accountancy"
And so, they sailed off into the ledgers of history...
...one by one, the financial capitals of the world...
...crumbling under the might of their business acumen.
Or so it would have been...
...if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world...
...had not proved to be disastrously wrong.
-Morning. -Morning.
-What's new? -Not much.
-Morning! -Good morning! Morning!
-Frank was just asking what's new. -Was he?
Yes.
-Hey, look. Howard's being eaten. -Is he?
Makes you think, doesn't it?
I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.
"Why are we here, what's life all about?
"Is God really real or is there some doubt?
"Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out
"Tonight it's the meaning of life
"What's the point of all this hoax?
"Is it the chicken and the egg time?
"Are we just yolks?
"Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes
"Well, ca c'est le meaning of life
"Is life just a game where we make up the rules
"While we're searching for something to say
"Or are we just simply spiraling coils
"Of self-replicating DNA?
"What's life? What is our fate?
"Is there heaven and hell?
"Do we reincarnate?
"Is mankind evolving or is it too late?
"Well, tonight here's the meaning of life
"For millions this life is a sad vale of tears
"Sitting round with really nothing to say
"While scientists say we're just simply spiraling coils
"Of self-replicating DNA
"So just why, why are we here?
"And just what, what do we fear?
"Well, ce soir, for a change it will all be made clear
"For this is the meaning of life
"C'est le sens de la vie This is the meaning of life"
One thousand and eight!
Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent.
Good. Take her into the fetus-frightening room.
Jolly good.
It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?
Yes.
Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse.
The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV.
-Certainly. -And get the machine that goes, "Ping!"
And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes.
That's it. Bring it right here.
Behind me. Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better.
Yes, more like it.
Still something missing, though.
-Patient. -Yes.
Where's the patient?
Patient!
-Here she is. -Bring it over here.
-Mind the machine! -Sorry, doctor.
Come along!
Jump on it.
-Hello. Now don't you worry. -We'll soon have you cured.
Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.
Good-bye.
-Drips up. -lnjections.
-Can I put the tube in the baby's head? -If I can do the episiotomy.
Legs up.
-Come in. -Come on in, all of you.
-That's it. Jolly good. -Come on.
Spread round there.
-Who are you? -I'm the husband.
I'm sorry, only people involved are allowed in here.
-What do I do? -Yes?
-What do I do? -Nothing, dear. You're not qualified.
Leave it to us.
What's that for?
That's the machine that goes, "Ping!"
You see? That means your baby is still alive.
And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital.
Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.
Aren't you lucky!
The administrator is here, doctor.
Switch everything on.
Morning, gentlemen.
-Morning. -Morning, gentlemen.
Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
Very impressive.
-And what are you doing this morning? -It's a birth.
And what sort of thing is that?
That's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Wonderful what we can do nowadays.
I see you have the machine that goes "Ping!"
This is my favorite.
We lease this back from the company we sold it to.
That way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.
-The vulva's dilating, doctor. -Yes, there's the head.
Yes, four centimeters, five, six centimeters.
-Lights! -Amplify the ping machine.
-Masks up! -Suction!
Eyes down for a full house!
Here it comes.
And frighten it.
Thank you.
And the rough towels!
Show it to the mother.
-That's enough. -Right. Sedate her.
-Number the child. -Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it.
Okay, show's over.
Is it a boy or a girl?
I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?
A word of advice.
You may find you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression...
...P.N.D., as we doctors call it.
So, it's lots of happy pills for you...
...and you can find out about the birth when you get home.
It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.
Bloody hell.
-Get it, would you, Deidre? -All right, Mum.
-Now whose teatime is it? -Mine!
Come on. Out you go.
Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas...
...Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha...
...it's your bedtime.
Now don't argue!
Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and--
Wait. I've got something to tell the whole family.
Quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon.
The mill's closed. There's no more work.
We're destitute.
Come in, my little loves.
I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.
No, no, that's the way it is, my loves.
Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear a little rubber thing.
They've done some wonderful things in their time.
They've preserved the might and majesty, even mystery of the Church of Rome...
...and the sanctity of the Sacrament, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity...
...but if they'd let me wear a little rubber thing on the end of my cock...
...we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?
Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest-growing religion in the world.
He's right.
You see, we believe....
Let me put it like this.
"There are Jews in the world
"There are Buddhists
"There are Hindus and Mormons and then
"There are those that follow Mohammed
"But I've never been one of them
"I'm a Roman Catholic
"And have been since before I was born
"And the one thing they say about Catholics
"Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm
"You don't have to be a six-footer
"You don't have to have a great brain
"You don't have to have any clothes on
"You're a Catholic the moment Dad came
"Because
"Every sperm is sacred
"Every sperm is great
"If a sperm is wasted
"God gets quite irate
"Every sperm is sacred
"Every sperm is great
"If a sperm is wasted
"God gets quite irate
"Let the heathens spill theirs
"On the dusty ground
"God shall make them pay
"For each sperm that can't be found
"Every sperm is wanted
"Every sperm is good
"Every sperm is needed
"In your neighborhood
"Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
"Spill theirs just anywhere
"But God loves those who treat
"Their semen with more care
"Every sperm is sacred
"Every sperm is great
"If a sperm is wasted
"God gets quite irate
"Every sperm is sacred
"Every sperm is good
"Every sperm is needed
"In your neighborhood
"Every sperm is useful
"Every sperm is fine
"God needs everybody's
-"Mine -And mine
"And mine
"Let the pagans spill theirs
"O'er mountain, hill and plain
"God shall strike them down
"For each sperm that's spilt in vain
"Every sperm is sacred
"Every sperm is good
"Every sperm is needed
"In your neighborhood
"Every sperm is sacred
"Every sperm is great
"If a sperm is wasted
"God gets quite irate"
So you see my problem, little ones.
I can't keep you all here any longer.
Speak up!
I can't keep you all here any longer!
God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you anymore.
Couldn't you have your balls cut off?
It's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all.
He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to him.
You could have had them pulled off in an accident.
No. Children, I know you're trying to help, but believe me, my mind's made up.
I've given this long and careful thought...
...and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.
"Every sperm is sacred
"Every sperm is great"
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up with people they can't afford to bloody feed.
What are we, dear?
Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.
Why do they have so many children?
Every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby.
-But it's the same with us, Harry. -What do you mean?
I mean we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.
That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.
Really?
Yes. And what's more, because we don't believe...
...in all that papist claptrap, we can take precautions.
What you mean, lock the door?
No. I mean because we're members of the Protestant Reformed Church...
...which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy...
...in the mid-16th century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.
What do you mean?
I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you.
Oh, yes, Harry.
And, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fellow...
...I could ensure that when I came off, you would not be impregnated.
That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me.
That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual...
...and the individual's right to decide for him or herself.
When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517...
...he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing...
...but 400 years later, thanks to him...
...I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas.
And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom.
Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
What?
French Ticklers, black mambos, crocodile ribs.
Sheaths that are designed not only to protect...
...but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.
Have you got one?
Have I got one? No, but I can go down the road anytime I want...
...and walk into Harry's, and hold my head up high and say, in a loud, steady voice:
"Harry, I want you to sell me a condom.
"In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant."
Why don't you?
But they cannot.
Because their church never made the leap out of the Middle Ages...
...and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy.
But despite the attempts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure...
...children continue to multiply everywhere.
"And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour.
"And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead...
"...in Kadesh Bilgemeth...
"...by Shor Ethra Regalion...
"...to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda.
"He who brought the butter dish to Balshazar...
"...and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon.
"And there, slew they the goats...
"...yea, and placed they the bits in little pots."
Here endeth the lesson.
Let us praise God.
Oh, Lord.
You are so big.
So absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you.
Forgive us, Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying.
And barefaced flattery.
But you're so strong, and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
-Amen, Reverend. -Amen.
Now two boys have been found...
...rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant.
Some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play...
...an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you...
...that it was presented to us by the corporation of the town of Sudbury...
...to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember...
...the names of all those from the Sudbury area...
...who so gallantly gave their lives...
...to keep China British.
So from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds!
And Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning.
Chaplain.
"O Lord, please don't burn us
"Don't grill or toast your flock
"Don't put us on the barbecue
"Or simmer us in stock
"Don't braise or bake or boil us
"Or stir-fry us in a wok
"Oh, please don't lightly poach us
"Or baste us with hot fat
"Don't fricassee or roast us
"Or boil us in a vat
"And please don't stick thy servants, Lord
"In a rotissomat"
He's coming!
All right, settle down, settle down.
Before I begin the lesson, will those of you...
...playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down...
...onto the lower peg immediately after lunch...
...before you write home, if you're not getting a haircut...
...unless you have a brother going out this weekend as the guest of another boy...
...then collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after your haircut.
Make sure he moves your clothes onto the lower peg for you.
-Sir? -Yes, Wymer?
My brother's going out with Dibble this weekend...
...but I'm not having my hair cut, so do I move--
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple.
If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes.
You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep...
...when you've written your letter home before rest...
...move your clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors...
...and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed.
Now, sex.
Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?
-No, sir. -No, sir.
Well, had I done foreplay?
Yes, sir.
As we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me...
...what the purpose of foreplay is.
Biggs.
Don't know. Sorry, sir.
Carter?
Was it taking your clothes off, sir?
And after that?
Putting them on a lower peg, sir.
The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate...
...so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
Could we open a window, sir?
Yes. Harris, will you?
And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and harden.
Now, did I do vaginal juices last week?
Pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday.
Watching the football?
Boy, move over there. I'm warning you.
I may decide to set an exam this term.
-Oh, sir! -Sir!
So just listen.
Now did I or did I not do vaginal juices?
Yes, sir.
Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
What's wrong with a kiss, boy?
Why not start her off with a nice kiss?
You don't have to leap straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.
Give her a kiss, boy.
-Suck the nipple, sir? -Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
-Stroking the thighs, sir? -Yes, yes. I suppose so.
-Biting the neck. -Yes, good.
Nibbling the ear lobe, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth.
So we have all these possibilities before we...
...stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place.
Of course, tonguing will give you the best idea...
...of how the juices are coming along.
Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus, that is to say, intercourse...
...up to and including orgasm.
Hello, dear.
Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter.
Sorry, sir.
Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. I told the Garfields we'd dine with them tonight.
-Yes, well, I suppose we must. -I said we'd be there by 8:00.
It'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting.
I know you don't like them, but couldn't make another excuse.
It's just that I felt....
Wymer!
This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up?
I've no intention of going through this all again.
We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear.
No, of course not.
So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife...
...in the standard way.
The penis is now, as you will observe, more or less fully erect.
There we are. That's better.
Now, Carter.
-Yes, sir? -What is it?
-It's an ocarina, sir. -Bring it up here.
The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area...
...moving the penis up and down inside the vagina.
Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table.
While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation...
...by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward.
Thank you, dear.
Now, as the sexual excitement mounts....
What's funny, Biggs?
Nothing, sir.
Do, please, share your little joke with the rest of us.
Obviously something frightfully funny is going on.
No, honestly, sir.
Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play...
...for the boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon.
Oh, no, sir!
Well played, well played.
Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank.
Hordern, Spadger and I'll go for the gun post.
Hang on. You'll never make it. Let us come.
Do as you're told.
Right, Skipper. Oh, sir?
If we don't meet again, sir...
...I'd just like to say it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
Yes, well, this is hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech.
Me and the lads realize that, sir, but, well, we may never meet again, so--
All right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.
No, just a moment, sir.
Me and the lads, we've had a little whip around.
We've bought you something. We bought you this.
I don't know what to say.
It's a lovely thought. Thank you. Thank you all.
But I think we'd better get to cover--
We've got something else for you as well, sir.
Sorry it's another clock, only there was a bit of a mix-up.
Walters thought he was buyin' a present...
...and Spadger and I had already got the other one.
Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful.
We'd better get to cover now. I'll thank you properly later on.
Corporal Sturridge got this for you.
He didn't know about the others. It's Swiss.
Now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. Good man.
There's a card, sir, from all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir.
Thank you all.
Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs.
I'll be all right.
There's just one other thing, sir. Spadger, give him the check.
This is really going too far.
I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. It'll be in No. 4 trench.
For Christ's sake, forget it, man.
You shouldn't have said that, sir.
You've hurt his feelings now.
Don't mind me, Spadge. Toffs are all the same.
One minute, it's all please and thank you. The next, they'll kick you in the teeth.
-Let's not give him the cake. -I don't want any cake.
Look. Blackitt cooked it especially for you, you bastard.
He saved his rations for six weeks, sir.
-I don't mean to be ungrateful. -I'll be all right--
Blackie! Blackie!
Look at him! He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known.
Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move...
...but Blackitt'd be slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds.
I mean, you try getting butter to melt at 15 degrees below zero.
There's love in that cake. This man's love and this man's care--
-Oh, my Christ! -You bastard.
All right, we will eat the cake.
They're right. It's too good a cake not to eat.
-Get the plates and knives, Walters. -Yes, sir. How many?
Six.
Better make it five.
-Tablecloth, sir? -Yes, get the tablecloth.
No, no, I'll get the tablecloth.
You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern.
-And the little lamp, sir? -Yes.
While you're at it, you'd better get a doily.
I'll bring two in case one gets crumpled.
Okay!
But, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that.
It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers...
...the meaning of life, it's a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life.
Without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint...
...against other more aggressive ideologies...
...then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear.
That is why we'll always need an army.
May God strike me down were it to be otherwise.
Don't stand there gawping...
...like you've never seen the hand of God before!
Now, today we're going to do marching up and down the square.
That is, unless any of you've got anything better to do.
Well?
Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing...
...than marchin' up and down the square?
Yes! Atkinson.
What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?
To be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be home with the wife and kids.
Would you now?
Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.
Now.
Everybody else happy with my little plan...
...of marching up and down the square a bit?
-Sarge? -Yes?
-I've got a book I'd quite like to read. -Go read your book then. Now!
Everybody else quite content to join in...
...with my little scheme of marchin' up and down the square?
Sarge?
Yes, Wyclif, what is it?
Well, I'm learning the piano.
Learning the piano?
Yes, Sarge.
And I suppose you want to go practice?
Marchin' up and down the square not good enough for you?
-Well-- -Right! Off you go!
Now, what about the rest of you?
Rather be at the pictures, I suppose.
All right! Off you go!
Bloody army. I don't know what it's coming to.
Right. Sergeant Major marching up and down the square.
Democracy and humanitarianism are trademarks of the British Army.
Rubbish!
And have stamped its triumph in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire.
But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done...
...it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class...
...that has made the British Army what it is.
Excuse me.
-Morning, Ainsworth. -Morning, Pakenham. Sleep well?
Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though.
Must be that hole in the bloody mosquito net.
Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they?
-Excuse me, sir. -Yes, Chadwick?
I'm afraid Perkins got badly bitten during the night.
So did we.
Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him.
-Well, go and fetch him then. -Right you are, sir.
Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham?
Yes, I suppose so.
Come on, boy.
-Morning, Perkins. -Morning, sir.
What's all the trouble, then?
Bitten, sir. During the night.
-Whole leg gone? -Yes.
-How's it feel? -Stings a bit.
Well, it would, wouldn't it?
That's quite a bite you've got there.
-Yes. A real beauty, isn't it? -Any idea how it happened?
None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me.
Woke up just now, one sock too many.
-Must have a hell of a hole in your net. -We've sent for the doctor.
-Hardly worth it, is it? -Yes. Better safe than sorry.
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.
You don't think it'll come back, do you?
-For more, you mean? -Yes.
-We'd better get it stitched. -Right.
Hello, doc!
Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is something up?
Yes. During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten, sort of, off.
Yeah. Been in the wars, have we?
Yes.
Any headache? Bowels all right?
Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then.
Yes. Yes.
Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
Good.
There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest...
...and if you're playing football or anything, try and favour the other leg.
Right.
As right as rain in a couple of days.
-Thanks for the reassurance. -Not at all. That's what I'm here for.
Any other problems I can reassure you about?
No, I'm fine.
Jolly good. Well, must be off.
So it'll just grow back again, then, will it?
I think I'd better come clean with you about this.
It's not a virus, I'm afraid.
You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small.
So small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg.
What we're looking for, this is no more than an educated guess...
...I'd like to make that clear, is some multicellular life form...
...with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth, about 11-foot long...
...and of the genus felis horribilis.
What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.
A tiger?
A tiger in Africa?
-It's probably escaped from a zoo. -Doesn't sound very likely to me.
Sir! Sir!
The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating.
Jolly good.
Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C-division wiped out. Signal's gone.
-Thirty men killed in F-section. -I see.
I should think about 150 men altogether, sir.
Jolly good.
I haven't got the final figures, but there's a lot of seriously wounded--
Yes, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here.
One of the officers has lost a leg.
-Oh, no, sir! -I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.
In Africa?
The M.O. says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately.
-Right, sir. I'll organize a party. -It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant.
-A search party. -Much better idea.
Sorry about the mess.
We'll try to clear it up by the time you get back.
-We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? -Yes.
We got a search party. Leave that alone.
All this killing, bloodshed, bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
Yes, very good.
-Morning, sir. -Nasty wound you've got there, fella.
Thank you very much, sir.
Come on, Private. Making up a search party.
Better than staying home, isn't it?
At home if you kill someone, they arrest you.
Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do.
I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me.
Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Thank you.
Look!
My God! It's huge!
Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger.
We were just....
Why are you dressed as a tiger?
-Oh, why, why, why? -lsn't it a lovely day today?
Answer the question.
-We were just-- -Well, we're dressed like this because....
No, that's not it.
We did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits.
-Simple as that. -Nothing more to it.
Actually, we're on a mission for British intelligence.
-There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief-- -No, no, no.
-No. We're doing it for an advertisement.
That's it. Forget about the Russians.
We're doing an advert for Tiger Brand Coffee.
"Tiger brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat."
-Now, look-- -All right, all right.
We are dressed as a tiger because he has an auntie who did it in 1839.
-This is the 50th anniversary. -We're doing it for a bet.
-God told us to do it. -To tell the truth, we are completely mad.
We're inmates of a Bengali Psychiatric lnstitution...
...and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets.
-lt doesn't matter! -What?
lt doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger.
Have they got my leg?
Good thinking. Well, have you?
-Actually-- -Yes?
We were thinking of training as taxidermists.
We wanted the feel from the animal's point of view.
Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you if you've got this man's leg.
-A wooden leg? -No, no, a proper leg.
He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it.
Without waking him up?
-Yes. -I don't believe you.
We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
The owner wanted it taken to Dar es Salaam.
Shut up! Now look, have you or have you not got his leg?
-Yes. No. -No, no.
-Why did you say yes? -I didn't.
I'm not talking to you.
Right. Search the thicket.
Come on. Do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night...
...steal into someone's tent, anesthetize them, tissue-type 'em...
...amputate a leg and run away with it?
Search the thicket.
Leg! You're looking for a leg!
Actually, I think there is one in there somewhere.
Someone must've abandoned it here, knowing you'd come after it.
We stumbled across it, actually. They'll be miles away by now.
I expect we'll have to take all the blame as usual.
Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film.
Hello, and welcome to The Middle of the Film...
...the moment where we take a break to invite you...
...to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish.
We're going to show you a scene from another film...
...and ask you to guess where the fish is.
But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves.
Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you.
So here we are with Find the Fish.
I wonder where that fish has gone.
You did love it so.
You looked after it like a son.
And it went wherever I did go.
-Is it in the cupboard? -Yes!
Wouldn't you like to know? lt was a lovely little fish.
And it went wherever I did go.
-It's behind the sofa! -Where can that fish be?
Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau?
lt is a most elusive fish.
And it went wherever I did go.
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
Fish, fish, fish....
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
That went wherever I did go.
-Look up his trunk! -Yeah! It's in his trousers!
-That was terrific! -Great! Yeah!
-Best bit so far. -Fantastic!
Really risky, yeah.
They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they?
-Well, it's been building up to it. -Has it?
Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now.
Personally, I doubt they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all.
-They've gotta say something. -They're bound to.
Yeah.
-What do you think the next bit will be? -Caption, I expect.
About the next stage of life, you mean? Here we go.
Could've guessed it.
That's much better. Thank you, honey.
You're welcome.
lt was all sort of misty before. That's fine.
-Hey! How are you? -We're just fine.
What kind of food would you like this evening?
We sort of like pineapple.
Yeah, we love pineapple.
Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us.
How about the Dungeon Room?
-That sounds fine. -Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food...
...served in an authentic medieval-English-dungeon atmosphere.
lsn't this nice?
How are ya?
Take a little Kodak.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Good evening. Would you care for something to talk about?
-That would be wonderful. -Our special tonight is minorities.
That sounds real interesting.
What's this conversation here?
That's football. You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday...
...or you could reminisce about really great World Series.
No, no.
-What is this one here? -That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?
No, it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis...
...to explain the meaning of life.
-What was that? -What's he saying?
That sounds wonderful.
Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling?
Sure. Why not?
-Philosophy for two? -Right.
-Room? -259.
259.
How do we...?
You folks want me to start you off?
We'd appreciate that.
Okay!
Look. Have you ever wondered just why you're here?
We went to Miami last year and California the year before--
No, no, no. I mean, why we're here, on this planet.
No.
Right. You ever wanted to know what it's all about?
Nope.
Righty-ho!
See, throughout history, there have been certain men and women...
...who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence.
-Great! -And we call these guys philosophers.
-And that's what we're talking about. -Right!
That's neat.
You look you're getting the idea, so I'll give you these conversation cards.
They'll tell you a little about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers.
There you are.
-Have a nice conversation. -Thank you very much.
-He's cute. -Yeah, real understanding.
I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher.
Yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S."
Like Nietzsche.
Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"?
There's an "S" in "Nietzsche."
Yes, there is.
Do all philosophers have an "S" in them?
Yeah. I think most of them do.
Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?
Yeah! Right!
She could be. She sings about the meaning of life.
Yeah. That's right.
But I don't think she writes her own material.
No.
Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach."
Or in "Hal David."
Who's Hal David?
He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes.
Only now, he's married to Carol Beyer Seger.
Waiter? This conversation isn't very good.
I'm sorry, sir.
We do have one today that's not on the menu.
It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? Live organ transplants.
Live organ transplants? What's that?
Don't worry, dear. I'll get it.
-Yes? -Hello. Can we have your liver?
-What? -Your liver.
It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen.
You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of--
Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it.
Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.
Hello!
-What's this, then? -A liver donor's card.
-Need we say more? -No.
Listen, I can't give it you now. lt says, "in the event of death."
My God!
No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived.
Just lie there, sir. lt won't take a minute.
Here. What's going on?
He's donating his liver, madam.
Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?
-That's right, madam. -Typical of him.
He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up...
...comes home all full of good intentions.
He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing.
What do you do with them all, anyway?
They all go to saving lives, madam.
That's what he used to say.
"It's all for the good of the country," he used to say.
Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just doing our jobs, you know?
You're not doctors, then?
Blimey, no.
Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. I'll see you about 7:00?
Right, son. Look after yourself.
You fancy a cup of tea?
That'd be very nice. Thank you.
Thank you very much, madam.
I thought she'd never ask.
You do realize he has to be...
...dead by the terms of the card...
...before he donates his liver.
I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man.
I mean, I was wonderin'...
...what you was thinkin' of doin' after that.
I mean will you stay on your own?
Or is there, well, someone else, sort of...
...on the horizon?
I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime.
Not at all. Very attractive woman.
Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.
-Sure? -Sure.
Can we have your liver then?
I would be scared.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
Listen to this.
"Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
"And things seem hard or tough
"And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
"And you feel that you've had quite enough
"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
"And revolving at 900 miles an hour
"It's orbiting at 19 miles a second So it's reckoned
"A sun that is the source of all our power
"The sun and you and me And all the stars that we can see
"Are moving at a million miles a day
"In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour
"Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way
"Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
"It's a 100,000 light years side to side
"lt bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick
"But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide
"We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point
"We go round every 200 million years
"And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
"In this amazing and expanding universe
"The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
"In all of the directions it can whizz
"As fast as it can go The speed of light you know
"Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is
"So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
"How amazingly unlikely is your birth
"And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
"'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth"
Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Can we have your liver, then?
-Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. -Eric!
Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization...
...of just how much there is still left to own.
ltem 6 on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life."
Now, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks.
What we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts.
One: people are not wearing enough hats.
Two: matter is energy.
In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive.
Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul.
However, this soul does not exist ab initio...
...as orthodox Christianity teaches.
lt has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation.
However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability...
...to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
What was that about hats again?
People aren't wearing enough.
Is this true?
Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu as our research--
When you say "enough", enough for what purpose?
Can I just ask, with reference to your second point...
...when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted....
Has anyone noticed that building there before?
What?
Good Lord!
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
We interrupt this film to apologize for this unwarranted attack...
...by the supporting feature.
Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality...
...and are now taking steps to remedy it.
Thank you.
Good evening. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.
"lsn't it awfully nice to have a penis
"lsn't it frightfully good to have a dong
"It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick
"From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick
"So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas
"Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
"Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend your percy or your cock
"You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock
"But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock
"And you won't come back" Thank you very much.
-What a frightfully witty song. -Terribly clever.
-Jolly good. -Marvelous.
Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote!
Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
Better.
-Better? -Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.
There we are, monsieur.
-Merci, Gaston. -I haven't finished.
Pardon! Gaston? A thousand pardons, monsieur.
Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favorite: the jugged hare.
The hare is very high, and the sauce is very rich...
...with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.
Allow me.
A new bucket for monsieur.
And the cleaning woman.
Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif...
...or would he prefer to order straight away?
Today, we have for appetizers.... Excuse me.
Moules marinieres, pate de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs benedictine...
...tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart...
...frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd.
C'est a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pureed mushrooms.
It's very delicate, very succulent.
I'll have the lot.
A wise choice, monsieur.
And now, how would you like it served? All mixed up together in a bucket?
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
-But of course. Avec les oeufs frits. -Don't skimp on the pate.
I assure you. Just because it's mixed up with all the other things...
...we wouldn't give you less than the full amount.
In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping.
Maintenant, quelque chose a boire. Something to drink?
Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Chateau-Latour '45.
And a double jeroboam of champagne.
Bon. And the usual brown ales?
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today.
I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night.
-Shut up! -D'accord.
The new bucket and the cleaning woman.
-Is there something wrong with the food? -No, the food was excellent.
-You're not happy with the service? -No, no complaints.
It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.
And we have a train to catch.
Yes, of course. We have a train to catch.
And I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats.
-Madam? -Perhaps we should be going?
Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you.
I hope very much we will see you again very soon.
Au revoir, messieurs.
Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket.
Another bucket for monsieur!
And perhaps a hose.
Oh, Max. Really!
Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one.
-No, fuck off. I'm full. -Sir.
It's only wafer thin.
I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.
Bug off.
Sir, just one. Just one.
-All right. Just one. -Just the one, monsieur.
Voila.
Bon appetit.
Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your check.
You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder if we'll...
...ever discover the meaning of it all...
...working in a place like this.
Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking.
Really, Maria?
Yes.
I used to work in the Academie francaise.
But it didn't do me any good at all.
I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid...
...but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall.
And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key...
...but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library.
In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue.
I worked there from 9:00 'til 6:00, read every volume through...
...but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery.
I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see.
'Til eventually, me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad.
So now, I'm cleaning up in here.
But I can't be really sad...
...'cause you see, I feel that life's a game.
You sometimes win or lose...
...and though I may be down right now...
...at least I don't work for Jews.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea we had a racist working here.
I apologize most sincerely. I mean....
Where are you going? No, I can explain.
As for me...
...if you want to know what I think, I'll show you something.
-Come with me. -I was saying that....
-Hello? -Come on.
Hello?
This way.
Come on. Don't be shy.
Mind the stairs, all right?
I think this will help explain.
Come along.
Over here.
Come on. Come on.
This way.
Come on.
This way.
Stay by me?
Nearly there now.
You see that?
That's where I was born.
You know, one day...
...my mother put me on her knee and she said to me:
"Gaston, my son.
"The world is a beautiful place.
"You must go into it and love everyone.
"Try to make everyone happy...
"...and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go."
So I became a waiter.
It's not much of a philosophy, I know.
Fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to.
Fuck off.
Don't come followin' me!
This man is about to die.
In a few moments now, he will be killed...
...for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal...
...who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution.
There he is!
Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie Macadam Jarrett...
...you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true...
...of the crime of first degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes...
...in a moving picture.
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
It's no good. I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.
I want to end it all!
Good-bye! Good-bye!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
What'll I do? I can't live without him!
-Mummy! -Mum, where are you?
Daddy? Mummy?
Mummy?
Yes?
Is it about the hedge?
-I'm awfully sorry, but-- -I am the Grim Reaper.
Who?
-The Grim Reaper. -Yes, I see.
I am death.
Well, we have some people from America for dinner tonight--
-Who is it, darling? -A Mr. Death or something.
He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any now.
Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside. Ask him in.
-I don't think it's quite the moment. -Do come in. Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
It's one of the little men from the village.
Do come in. Please.
This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia.
-And his wife, Debbie. -Hello there.
And these are the Portland Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.
-Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. -Yes.
Mr. Death is a reaper.
The Grim Reaper.
Hardly surprising in this weather.
So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death?
I am the Grim Reaper.
That's about all he says. There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the third--
Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
The Stilton's awfully good.
I am not of this world.
Good Lord.
I am death.
lsn't that extraordinary?
We were talking about death five minutes ago.
Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end--
As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is...
...and one hates to use words like "soul" or "spirit"--
-What other words can one use? -Exactly.
You do not understand.
No. Obviously not.
-I'll tell you something, Mr. Death. -You don't--
I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here...
...what a really unique experience this is.
-Hear, hear. -We're so delighted that you dropped in.
-Can I just finish, please? -Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife?
-If you could wait, please-- -You sure you wouldn't like some sherry--
Angela, I'd like to say this, please.
-Quiet! -Can I just say this, please?
Silence! I have come for you.
-You mean to-- -Take you away.
That is my purpose.
I am death.
Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
I don't see it that way, Geoff. I think we're dealing with...
...a potentially positive learning experience that can--
Shut up! Shut up, you American.
You always talk, you Americans.
You talk and you talk and you say:
"Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this."
Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
-Dead? -Dead.
-All of us? -All of you.
Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses...
...then announce quite casually that we're all dead.
I'd remind you that you're a guest in this house--
Be quiet!
Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous!
None of you have got any balls.
-Can I ask you a question? -What?
How can we all have died at the same time?
The salmon mousse.
Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
Now the time has come.
Follow.
Follow me.
Just testing. Sorry.
Follow me. Now.
Come.
The fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon.
He's normally so reliable.
-Can we take our glasses? -Good idea.
Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse.
Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed.
lt really is embarrassing.
To serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death.
-Shall we take our cars? -Why not?
Good idea.
Behold paradise.
-I love it here, darling. -Me, too, Marvin.
Hello. Welcome to Heaven.
Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir?
Thank you. There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant.
-For the ladies. -Afterlife mints. Thank you.
-Happy Christmas. -Is it Christmas today?
Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven.
-How about that? -Lovely.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's truly a real honorable experience to be here this evening...
...a very wonderful and warm...
...and emotional moment for all of us.
And I'd like to sing a song for all of you.
"It's Christmas in Heaven
"All the children sing
"It's Christmas in Heaven
"Hark, hark, those church bells ring
"It's Christmas in Heaven
"The snow falls from the sky
"But it's nice and warm
"And everyone looks smart and wears a tie
"It's Christmas in Heaven
"There's great films on TV
"The Sound of Music twice an hour
"And Jaws I, II and III
"There's gifts for all the family
"There's toiletries and trains
"There's Sony Walkman headphone sets
"And the latest video games
"It's Christmas in Heaven
"Hip-hip-hooray
"Every single day is Christmas Day
"It's Christmas in Heaven
"Every single day is--"
That's the end of the film. Now here's the meaning of life.
Thank you, Brigitte.
It's nothing special. "Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat.
"Read a good book now and then. Get some walking in.
"Try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."
Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors...
...and hopefully spark controversy, which is the only way...
...to get the jaded video-sated public off their asses and back in the cinema.
Family entertainment? Bollocks. They want filth:
People doing things to each other with chain saws.
Babysitters stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates.
Vigilante groups strangling chickens.
Armed bands of theater critics exterminating mutant goats.
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music.
Good night.
Subtitles by SOFTlTLER
短剧
永保公司血泪史
英国，伦敦
最大的美国公司
在一九八三年的萧条岁月中
英国因为财政的破坏而造成经济委缩
曾经显赫一时的家族企业永保公司
也无法幸免于难 忠心耿耿的老员工们
被新管理阶层压的透不过气来
糟糕，真糟糕！
划！
好，阿文，你被开除了！
听到没有，滚出去！
你听到吗？他被开除了！
开除了！
开除！来呀！大伙上！
来呀！
让我出去
我要见我的律师
图立！来呀！
安静！安静下来！
现在，兄弟们，咱们开始行动！
你，你和你夺取武器
你，你和你准备出航
你，去烧开水
遵命，先生
查理，那里，那里
抱歉！
来，图立，这边
来呀！
起锚！
永保公司因此而进入
国际公海融资行业之中
唉呀！小子，搞清路线
亲爱的，来杯茶好吗？
是，船长！
向右舵看
在那儿：是他们所找寻的目标
向右舵靠近！
一个因跨国企业而过度膨胀的金融区
充满了又肥又自负的银行
好，大伙们，准备作战
来呀！快！快！
快！
好了，够了！
掩护自己！
蹲下，蹲下，低一点！
蹲低，蹲低
向右舵靠！
发射！
艾克，我的平衡表
罗斯，把资料报表拿着
阻止他！
艾克！
- 谢谢！ - 攻击！
不，不！让我来！
好，肯恩
俘掳你！
逮到你了！
拿着这个
把这存档
该死
被他们初次的成功所鼓舞
绝望而暴戾的永保公司员工
继续作战，直到…
夕阳西下…
由于在事业上的冒险投资 使他们巨额的报酬源源不绝
至于那些金融巨人们
他们的精明…
寸寸剥落
他们的资产成为废墟
柯汉先生，全速前进
加，加，加你的保险费 加，加，加你的保险费
随便写
平衡帐本
随便写
但一定要平衡帐本
在广阔的会计领域中
发给会计师执照实在可笑
四处找寻好发现基金
沿着破产陷阱的边缘通过
保险行业可能理直气壮的说
我们每年要加两次保险费
它可以抵税 而我们绝不会被收买
航行在广阔的会计领域中
扬帆而去
由此他们进入分类帐的改革
世界的经融资本逐一的…
被他们敏锐的才智所粉碎
如果不是被…
地球形状的理论所左右的话
他们仍在茁壮成长中
“正片上映”
早
有什么新鲜的事？
没什么
法兰在问有什么新鲜的事
是吗？
是的
嘿，哈瑞被吃掉了
真的？
很吃惊，对不对？
这到底是怎么回事？
问倒我了
我们为什么在这里？
生命是什么
上帝是真的
还是要对他心存怀疑
今晚我们要来探讨
所以今晚的主题是生命的真谛 “生命的真谛”
欺骗的目的是什么
难道又是鸡跟蛋的问题
我们只是蛋黄
或者我们全是上帝的一个小玩笑
至于生命的真谛
难道生命只是一种游戏
我们为它设置一些规则
只不过是要增加话题而已
或者它是急遽不断…
繁衍人类的方法
什么是人生 什么是命运
有天堂和地狱吗？
我们能转世吗？
人类正在发展还是已经没有希望
今晚我们要探讨它
对多数人来说
生命是苦涩的
我们坐在那儿无法表达意见
而那些科学家们
却口口声声的说
是为了繁衍人类
到底我们为什么在这里
还有我们到底在害怕什么
今晚会有所改变
一切都会澄清
因为这是生命的真谛
这是生命的真谛
生命的真谛 第一部 诞生的奇迹
产房 产房1
一千零八
她的阵痛更密集
好，把她送到胎儿惊吓室去
好
很好
嗯，好像有点空旷
不错
护士，把设备搬进来
例如扫瞄器、监视器和探测器
马上来，医生
还有那部会叫“宾”的机器
把最贵的机器搬来 这样行政官才会高兴
就是它，推进来，放在这儿
在我后面
很好，很好
太棒了，不错，非常不错
挺像样的
好像少了什么
病人
病人呢？
病人！
她在这儿！
把她带过来
小心机器
医生，抱歉
过来
上去
哈罗，你别耽心
你马上就没事了
一切由我们搞定 一点感觉也不会有
再见，准备点滴
注射
我能不能把管子放到胎儿的头里
那就要由我作阴道切开
谢谢，把腿放上去
喔，进来，你们都进来 留在这儿，很好
来，分散开来
你是谁？
我是她丈夫
对不起，只有相关的人才能留下
我该怎么做？
什么？
我该做什么？
什么也别做，你没有资格
让我们来
那是什么？
那是会叫“宾”的机器
你看，这表示胎儿仍活着
这是医院里最贵的机器
它值七十五万英镑
你运气真好
医生，行政官来了
把所有机器都打开
各位早
早，各位早
佩可先生，早
喔，太棒了，让人印象深刻
今早的手术是什么？
生产
生产是什么？
就是把胎儿从女人的肚子里拿出来
医学真是太进步了
啊！你有部会叫“宾”的机器
这是我最喜欢的，我们把它卖掉 再向那家公司租回来
这样，就变成费用而不是资本
谢谢，谢谢，我们会尽量努力 你们继续
阴部已经扩张
喔，这是胎儿的头
好，四公分，五公分，六公分
灯光！
扩大“宾”机器
带口罩
吸！
向下看全景
来了
吓它！
谢谢！粗毛巾
给妈妈看，够了
好，给她镇定剂
胎儿数目
秤重，验血还有隔离
好了，戏看完了
是男孩还是女孩？
现在就想指派任务给他 恐怕太早了，你不认为吗？
给你一句忠告 你可能会感到沮丧
我们医生称之为怀孕忧郁症
所以会给你很多快乐药丸
等你回家后看录影带
就会知道生产是怎么回事了
生命的真谛 诞生的奇迹 第二集 第三世界
约克郡
喔，倒霉
阿黛，把它捡起来，好吗？
妈妈，好的
现在是谁的下午茶时间？
我的！
来，你们出去
阿文、阿泰、阿苇，阿珍…
阿玛、阿安、阿汤、阿华、阿佩、阿玲
阿麦、阿依、阿艾、阿冬和阿莎，去睡觉了
你们别吵
阿洛、阿里、阿尼、阿庵、阿赛和…
等一等，我有事要和全家说
阿高，把大家都叫进来
工厂关闭，我失业了
我们没有钱了
进来，我的孩子们
我只有把你们卖给实验室做科学研究
亲爱的，只有这个方法
只怪天主教，他们不准我戴橡胶套那玩意
他们在过去有很多贡献
例如保存了罗马教堂的智慧、尊严 甚至它的神秘
使圣迹的清净和不可分割的三位一体
但是如果他准许我在小弟弟上 戴橡胶套那玩意
我们就不会落到今天这个地步
难道妈咪不能戴子宫套吗？
如果我们仍要做天主教徒的话就不可以
他说的不错
我们相信…
让我这么说吧！
世界上有犹太人
他们是佛教徒
还有印度教和摩门教
他们信奉穆罕默德
我不是他们的信徒
我是天主教徒
出生以前就已注定
只要你一落地
天主教就会接纳你
你不需要有六尺高
你不需要很聪明
你不需要穿衣服
只要父亲一来你就是教徒了
因为
每个精子都是神圣的
浪费一个精子
上帝就会发怒
每个精子都是神圣的
浪费一个精子
上帝就会发怒
让异教徒
随便浪费
上帝会要他们…
为每一个浪费的精子付出代价
每个精子都有人要
每个精子都是好的
每个精子都被需要
你的邻居们
印度教、道教、摩门教
不珍惜他们的精子
上帝喜欢那些…
珍惜精子的人
每个精子都是神圣的
浪费一个精子
上帝就会发怒
每个精子都是神圣的
每个精子都是好的
每个精子都被需要
你的邻居们
每个精子都有用
每个精子都很美好
上帝需要每个人的
我的，我的和我的
让异教徒们
随意浪费
上帝会为这种浪费
而教训他们
“教宗的折扣屋”
每一个精子都是神圣的
每个精子都是好的
每个精子都被需要
来造福乡里
每个精子都是神圣的
每个精子都很伟大
如果浪费精子
上帝就会发怒
所以孩子们，我的困难是…
不能再继续抚养你们
大声点！
不能再继续抚养你们
上帝赐给我这么多 但是我没法喂饱你们
为什么不把你的小弟弟切掉
阿尼，没那么简单，上帝全知道
他看破我们的诡计 如果能对自己做的，也会对他做
你可以安排让它意外被拉掉
孩子们，我知道你们想帮忙 但我主意已定
我仔细的想了很久
你们大多要送去做医学实验品
每个精子都是神圣的
每个精子都很伟大
看看他们，该死的天主教徒
让该死的世界充满那些养不活的该死人类
亲爱的，我们是什么？
新教徒，而且以此自豪
为什么他们有那么多小孩
因为每次性交，就有小孩
哈瑞，我们不是也一样
你是什么意思？
我们有两个小孩
而我们只性交两次
那不是重点 重点是任何时候我们都可以性交
真的？
是的，而且…
因为我们不相信天主教的噱头 因此可以有预防措施
你是说把门锁起来吗？
不，不，我指我们新教徒…
在十六世纪中叶 成功的向宗教制度挑战
使我们能有橡胶套的装置
你是什么意思？
当我们性交时
喔，是的，哈瑞
由于替小弟弟戴上橡胶套
所以在完事后，保证你不会怀孕
这就是新教徒的好处
因此它是我们的教会
也是那些尊重个人权益…
认为人有决定权的教会
一五一七年马丁路德在教堂抗议
当时也许不知道意义有多重大
但感谢他，四百年后的今天
我能在小弟弟上放上不同的装置
不只是保险套
甚至可以戴法式搔痒套
你戴什么？
法式搔痒套、黑曼波套、鳄鱼肋骨套
这些护套不只保护
更能增加刺激而得到满足
你有吗？
我有吗？我，没…
但是任何时间我都能到哈瑞店里
扬着头，高声而坚定的说
“哈瑞，我要买保险套”
“因为我是新教徒，所以我要买法式搔痒套”
那你怎么不去买？
但是他们…他们不能…
因为教会尚未超越中世纪的思想
而且仍被外国的主教霸权所支配
因此新教会所倡导的性爱乐趣
才会使小孩不断繁殖
生命的真谛 第二部 成长及学习
在第三个钟头时 他们有两次看到骆驼
所以米迪安人向索斯王朝旁
比盖美兹的瑞吉来雷高地出发
来到佳叙比拜索巴达的家里
当初是他把牛油带到巴叙摩的
将帐蓬架在罗柜门屋的旁边
在此，他们开始畜养山羊
然后把它们切小块放到锅中煮
学习结束
让我们赞美主
喔，主呀
喔，你是那么的大
如此巨大
唉，我可以告诉你 在下面的我们都印象深刻
主呀！原谅我们的谄媚
以及无耻的阿谀
但是你是这样的强状 是那么超级
那么了不起
阿门
有两个学生被发现
在学校的水老鸦身上抹亚麻子油
也许你们认为水老鸦
对学校并不重要 让我提醒你们
那是赛得城的企业家们 为了纪念帝国时代的盛况
所送给我们的礼物
让我们记得赛得区的英雄们
为了使中国英国化所做的牺牲
从现在开始，不准碰水老鸦
还有，杰金
显然的你母亲今早过逝了
牧师
喔，主呀，请不要烧我
请不要烤你的子民
不要把我们放在烤肉架上
或慢炖我们
不要炸、烤或煮我们
或在锅里炒我们
喔，不要用沸水煮我们
或在我们身上涂抹脂肪
不要炖或红烧我们
或在大桶里煮我们
还有，主呀！不要把你的仆人插在小树枝上
慢烤
他来了
好，安静下来，安静下来
在我开始上课以前
那些下午要参加比赛的人
在午餐后，写信回家前 把衣服移到下面的晾衣竿上
如果你还没剪头发
那你的弟弟在周末 一定要被另一个男孩所邀请
如此则在午餐前收集他的字条 并在剪发后把它附在你的信里
还有让他把你的衣服 移到下面的晾衣竿上，现在…
先生？
是的
我弟弟这个周末要和帝柏出去
但是我今天没有理头发 要不要把衣服移到…
伟模，我希望你能认真听 实在很简单
如果没有理发 就别动你弟弟的衣服
在午餐前收集他的字条 等你准备好圣经
并在写信回家之前
移动晾衣竿上你的衣服
加上还要向游客致敬 然后向温尼先生报告并请他签字
好，现在谈性
性，性，性，我们谈到哪里？
我有没有谈到阳具进入阴部那一段
先生，没有
先生，没有 先生，没有
那我有没有讲过爱抚
先生，有
既然我们都知道爱抚
你们一定能告诉我爱抚的目的
阿毕
对不起，先生，我不知道
卡特？
是不是把衣服脱掉？
然后呢？
把它们放在下面晾衣竿上
爱抚的目的是使阴道湿润
阳具才容易进入
先生，能不能打开窗户
好的，哈瑞，你去开
同样也能使阳具竖起
并且变硬
上星期我有没有讲到阴道液体？
阿华，注意，你在看足球吗？
移开，我警告你们
这学期我可能会考这章
先生！
那就好好听我说
我到底有没有…
讲到阴道液体？
有，先生
华生，举两个例子
先生，揉搓阴核
亲吻呢？嗯？
为什么不能以亲吻做为开始？
你不需要像公牛等在闸门一样马上就揉阴核
孩子，先吻她
先生，吸吮她的奶头
伟模，很好，答的好
先生，抚摸大腿？
是的，是的，不错
咬脖子
很好，轻咬耳垂
揉屁股等等
所以华生，在揉阴核之前我们有这么多事可做
是的，先生，抱歉，先生
这些刺激都会使液体发生
当然用舌头的话
你们可以更清楚的知道液体如何而来
海伦？
现在，交媾也称之为性交
最高境界是高潮
亲爱的，你好 卡特，当我太太进入时请起立
喔，对不起，先生，对不起
阿恒，我告诉嘉非今晚一同吃饭
希望你不介意
好吧，我想我们必须得去了
我答应他们八点会到
这又给我参加职员会议的托辞了
我知道你不喜欢他们 但是我实在找不出任何藉口
只是我觉得…
伟模，这对你有益，别打瞌睡
我不想再做一次
我们先爱抚像书上所写的 亲爱的，你不介意吧！
当然不会
然后男人以正常的方式
进入女人体内
你们看，阳具多少已经竖起
对了，这样好多了
现在…卡特
什么事，先生
那是什么？
是笛子
把它拿过来
男人用骨盘做推入的动作
在阴道内上下移动阳具
孩子，放在那里，放在桌上
而太太可以向前推动 使阳具刺激阴核而得到快感
亲爱的，谢谢你，等性兴奋上涨
阿毕，有什么好笑？
先生，没有
一定有好笑的事情发生 和我们分享你的笑话吧
先生，真的不能
既然这么好玩 今天下午的橄榄球赛
你去参加少年组和专家组对抗
喔，不，先生
来呀，小家伙
打得好，打得好
生命的真谛 第三部 互相厮杀
布来、斯度和华特 你们到左侧去拿下敌人
哈登、斯派和我去拿下枪岗
等等，你们不会成功的 让我们一起去
听我命令行事
是的！喔，长官，长官
如果不再见面的话
我想说，能和你并肩作战是我的荣幸
这不是说再见的时间和地点
我们知道，但我们可能不再见面
好，布来，谢谢你
不，先生，等等
我们想向你致敬
我们买了一礼物 我们买了这个送你
喔，我真不知该说什么好
你们想得真周到
但我们应该掩护一下
我们还有别的要送你
对不起，我们搞错了，又是一座钟
华特以为由他买礼物 而斯派和我却已经买好了
真美，两个都美
我们最好掩护一下，等以后再谢你们
这是斯度下士送你的，他不知道钟的事
是瑞士制
斯度你真体帖
一个好人
长官，这是卡片
我们全体送你的，抱歉沾上血迹
谢谢你们
队员，为毕格队长欢呼三声
欢呼，欢呼 万岁
布来！布来！
我没关系，长官，还有一件事
斯派，给他支票
好的
这太过份了
我找不到，可能在四号战壕里
看在老天爷份上，别管了
长官，你不该这么说
你伤了他的心
斯派别管我
大人物都一样 前一分钟又高兴又感谢
下一分钟，就可能踢掉你的牙
是的
别给他蛋糕
我不要蛋糕
你这个混蛋，布来特地替你烤的
他省下六个星期的配粮
我并不是忘恩负义
我不会有事…
布来！
没有一个人像他那样认真做蛋糕
许多夜晚都快冻僵了
但是他却在那里切柠檬、混合糖和杏仁
你试试看 怎么在零下十五度去融化奶油
蛋糕里有爱，这个人的爱和关心
喔，我的天
你这个混蛋
好，他们是对的，我们来吃蛋糕
这么好的蛋糕怎能不吃
华特，把盘子和刀拿来
是的，长官，几个盘子
六个
喔，五个吧！
长官，要桌巾吗？
好，去拿桌巾
不，不，我去拿桌巾
哈登，你去拿桌子
长官，要不要灯？
要，趁你在那里，把小装饰巾也拿来
我拿了两条，万一一条弄皱了
当然，战争不是都那么有趣 好，停止
你们尽管去嘲笑军队
当在思考生命真谛的时候
它代表着两种不同见地的斗争
如果我们无法保卫自己
去对抗那些更积极的理念
那么理性与中庸都可能消失
这就是需要军队的原因
否则请上帝袭击我
你们别呆呆站在那儿 好像从没见过上帝的手一样
今天我们要在广场行军
除非你们有别的事要做
怎么样？
有人宁可做别的事
而不想行军吗？
是的！艾肯
你想做什么？
说实话，中士 我宁愿回家和太太小孩一起
想现在就去吗？
是的，中士
好，你去吧！
现在…
每个人对我的计划…
广场行军都很喜欢吗？
中士
什么事？
我想看书
那现在就去看书
其他的人
对于在广场行军的计划…
都赞成吗？
中士
是的，华克，有什么事？
我…我要去学钢琴
学钢琴？
是的，中士
我猜你想去练习，对不对？
广场行军对你还不够好，是吗？
好！你走吧！
现在，你们怎么样？
我想你们宁愿去拍电影吧？
好！你们走吧！
该死的军队 真不知道它会变成什么德性
好，中士在广场行军
左，右，左
民主制度和人道主义 是英国军队的注册商标
废话！
嘘！
…在帝国最遥远的角落里得到胜利
一八七九年第一次祖鲁战争
格洛斯克
纳塔尔
不管在何时何处，只要打战
就要有冷静的指挥官
也因此而形成今日的英国军队
借光
安斯，早安
派肯，早安
睡的好吗？
还好，不过被咬得乱七八糟
一定是蚊帐上的洞
对，真是讨厌野蛮的家伙？
长官，抱歉
洽得，什么事？
昨晚伯金被咬的很厉害
哈！我们也一样
我想医生得去看看他
好！那我去看看他吧！
好的，长官
我该去了 派肯，一起来吗？
好吧！
孩子，来呀
伯金，早安
长官，早
有什么问题？
长官，我昨晚被咬
整条腿都不见了？
是的
你觉得怎样？
有点刺痛
那是正常的，不是吗？
咬得真厉害
杰作，是不是？
你知道怎么发生的？
不，一点线索也没有
一觉醒来袜子就多出一只了
你的蚊帐一定有很大的洞
我们已经叫医生了
没有这个必要吧？
为了安全起见以免将来后悔
是的，我的天，看看这个
我的上帝，这么大
你想它会回来吗？
- 你指再回来吃人？ - 对！
最好把洞缝好
好
哈罗，医生
早，我尽快赶来，什么事？
昨晚伯金的腿被咬掉
唉！这就是战争
不错
会头痛吗？大便正常吗？
让我们检查剩下来的这条腿
好，好，好
不用耽心
喔，好的
有很多可能性 可能是滤过性病毒
保暖，多休息，如果踢足球的话
尽量用另一条腿踢
没问题了
我的保证就像再过几天就要下雨一样准确
医生，谢谢你的保证
这是我的职责
还有其他地方要我检查吗？
没有，我很好
太好了，我走了
它，还会再长回来吧？
我必须跟你澄清一件事
这恐怕不是滤过性病毒
医学上认为病毒是很小，很小
小到没法吃光整条腿
据推测，我们所寻找的…
是一种多细胞的生命型式
有斑纹、巨大、利牙，大约十一英尺长
属于很恐怖的种类
我们医生称之为老虎
老虎？
非洲老虎？
非洲老虎！
可能从动物园逃出来的
听起来不大对劲
长官！长官！
祖鲁人在撤退
喔，太好了
长官，伤亡惨重
C区全军覆没，没有信号，F区三十人死亡
长官，一共一百五十人
非常好
战场上有许多重伤患者
是的，不过中士我有一点小问题
一个军官丧失一条腿
喔，长官，不会吧
没有错
可能被老虎咬掉
在非洲？
医官说，如果马上找回来，或许还能缝上去
好，长官，我去组织一个派对
时候不对，现在是紧急状况
组织一个搜索队
嗯！好主意
在你们回来前我们会把这里收拾好
长官，我们给他们颜色看了，是不是？
不错
你来参加搜索队，别管他
这种杀人、流血很好玩，是不是？
是的，很好
长官，早
你伤的不轻
谢谢你的关心
来，士兵，来参加搜索队
比留在家乡里好多了，对不对？
我是说，在家乡杀了人会被捕
而这里，他们给我们枪，还教我们怎么用
我杀了十五个人，在家乡早就被吊死了
而在这里，他们居然给我勋章
长官，抱歉
谢谢你
看！
我的天，好大
别开枪，我们不是老虎
我们只是，嗯…
你们为什么要扮老虎？
喔，为什么？为什么？为什么？ 天气真好
回答问题
我们只是…
事实上，我们穿成这样是因为…
喔，不，不是
我们想让大家高兴 欢乐的精神嘛
没别的
实际上，我们替英国情报局工作
阿相地酋长拥护独裁政治
不，我们这样是为了打广告
不错，跟独裁无关
我们在做老虎牌咖啡的广告
老虎牌咖啡是真正的咖啡 连老虎都选它而不选肉
你们听着
好啦，好啦
他的姑妈在一八三九年过逝 今天是五十周年纪念
所以我们才穿的像老虎一样
不，我们是为了打赌
上帝叫我们这样做的
实际上我们是疯子
我们是梦加拉精神病院的病人
用麦片粥的盒子做成虎皮逃出来
没有关系
什么？
穿不穿虎皮根本没有关系 他们到底有没有我的腿
好主意？你们有吗？
实际上…
怎么样？
我们想参加剥皮术的训练
所以想感觉一下动物的感受
闭嘴！
我们只问你，有没有拿他的腿
木腿？
不，正常的腿
当他熟睡之中 不知道什么东西，把他的腿拿走
他没有醒？
不错
我不信
我们在开罗的店里找到这张虎皮
老板要把它送到达艾撒拉…
闭嘴！
你们到底有没有他的腿？
有，没有，没有，没有 没有，没有，没有，没有
你为什么说有？
我没有
我不是说你
好，搜索丛林
别这样！
我们不像会半夜爬进营地
偷进帐蓬，把他麻醉，分析细胞
切断腿然后带着它逃走的家伙？
搜索丛林
喔，腿，你们在找腿
那里好像有一条
一定是知道你们来，就把它丢在那里
我们被它绊倒过 小偷可能已在几哩之外
而我们却被误会
哈罗，下午好，欢迎来到影片中段
影片中段
哈罗，欢迎来到影片中段
在此我们休息一下，邀请你们观众
和我们制片者一起“寻鱼”
我们给你们看另一部影片的片段
由你们猜鱼在那里
如果你知道答案，别藏在心理
大声的喊，让所有电影院都知道
好，我们开始“寻鱼”
奇怪那条鱼到哪去了？
你很喜欢它
你像照顾儿子一样照顾它
你到哪它跟到那
它是不是在小厨里？
你想不想知道？ 它是一条可爱的小鱼
我走到哪它跟到哪
它在沙发后面
鱼到哪去了？
会不会在抽屉里？
它是条难以了解的鱼
我到哪它跟到哪
啊！鱼儿们，鱼儿们，鱼儿
鱼儿，鱼儿，鱼儿，鱼儿们
我到哪你们就跟到哪
查一查他的行李箱
不错，在他裤子里！
太好了！
很好！对不对！
到此为止这是最好的部分
太神妙了！真的很好！
也很冒险
他们并没有怎么提生命的真谛 对不对？
不过正在慢慢加强
是吗？
不错，我认为他们现在就会进入主题
我个人认为他们根本不会谈
他们总得说些什么
他们一定要的
对
你认为下一个主题会是什么？
字幕，赶快
生命的下个阶段
生命的真谛 第四部 中年
早该猜到
好多了，甜心，谢谢你
不客气
以前很模糊
现在好了
嗨！你们好！
喔，我们很好
晚上想吃点什么？
我们很喜欢凤梨
不错，我们喜欢凤梨
只要有凤梨在里面，我们都喜欢
那么地牢房好吗？
喔，听起来不错
当然，是真正的夏威夷食物
在真正的英国地牢里享用
挺不错
你好吗？
照张相，哦，谢谢，非常谢谢
晚安，想谈些什么？
喔，好主意
今晚的特价是少数民族
好像很有趣
这个是什么主题？
那是，足球
你们可以谈论星期六熊队的比赛
或者你们可以追忆世界冠军系列
不，不，不要
这是什么？
是哲学
是运动的一种吗？
不，那是一种
用合理的理论去解释生命的真谛
他说的是什么意思？
听起来很有趣
亲爱的，你想谈生命的真谛吗？
当然
两份哲学
好
哪个房间
但是，我们怎么…
你们想要我先开始吗？
这样比较好
好，现在，这样吧！
有没有想过你们为什么在这里？
我们去年到迈阿密，前年到加洲
不，不，不是，我是说 为什么来到这个星球
嗯，没有
好，你们想不想知道呢？
不想
好！这个…那么…因为有史以来
就有一些人想要找出
生存的真谛
太棒了！
我们称他们为哲学家
也就是你的主题
对的！
好像还不错
看来你们已经有点概念了
那我就把会话卡给你们
这里会告诉你一些哲学的规律 和有名哲学家的名字
给你，好好谈
非常谢谢你
他很可爱
而且善解人意
喔！叔本华居然是哲学家
不错，因为他的名字是S起头
哦！
嗯，像尼采
尼采是S起头吗？
哟，有S在里面
喔，在这里
所有的哲学家都有S在里面吗？
多半都有
这么说思玲娜琼斯也是哲学家
对，可能是
她唱生命的真谛那首歌
呀！不错！
可是歌不是她写的
不是
也许是叔本华写的
不是，是伯特巴查写的
没有S在他…
或是哈瑞戴维斯的名字里
谁是哈瑞戴维斯
他作词，伯特写曲
现在他娶了卡萝拜尔撒吉
服务生，这个会话不好
喔，先生，对不起
今天有一个不在单子上面
是本店特产，器官移植
器官移植？那是什么？
生命的真谛 第五部 器官移植
亲爱的，你别管，我去开门
有什么事吗？
哈罗，我们需要你的肝
什么？
你的肝
那是一个有腺的器官在你的下腹
暗红色，有点…
好啦，好啦，我知道那是什么 不过我现在正在使用它
先生，别骗我们
你看看！
这是什么？
捐肝卡
- 还要我多说吗？ - 不用
我现在不能给你 你看上面写着“死亡之后”
我的天！
在我们取肝后没人能活得了
先生，躺下来，很快就好
怎么回事？
太太，他正在捐肝
是不是因为他填了一张可笑的卡
太太，不错
典型的他
每次到图书馆
基于好意，他见卡就填
例如，捐血，给人当实验品等等
你们拿它做什么用？
太太，全用在救命上
他也这么说
他曾经说过 “这是为了国家的利益”
你真认为是为了国家的利益吗？
太太，我们不知道 这只是我们的工作罢了
那你不是医生吗？
唉呀！才不是
妈妈，爸爸，我出去了，七点回来
好
自己小心
你要喝茶吗？
谢谢，如果不麻烦的话
太太，非常谢谢你
我以为她不会问呢！
对呀
你知道
根据卡上的条件
必须在死后才能捐肝
我告诉过他，这个傻瓜就是不听
我在想，嗯…
将来你想做什么？
你会自己一个人吗？
或者在这地平线上
还有一个你心怡的人
不行了，我已不再年轻
不会，你很吸引人
我绝不想再被牵绊住
真的？
真的
那能不能给我你的肝？
不，我会害怕
那让我来告诉你为什么
你听着
布朗太太，当不如意时
所有的事都又难又棘手
而人们又笨又无聊
你觉得…
已经受够了
但别忘了，你身处在
一个正在进化的星球之上
每小时运转九百英哩
因此每秒以十九英哩的速度在进行
太阳是所有动力的来源
而太阳和所有你我看得见的行星
每天都要移动一百万英哩
如果在外太空以螺旋方式进行 则每小时是四十万英哩
银河系之外，我们称之银河
我们的银河系包含了百兆亿的星球
它们之间的距离是十万光年
在中间的膨胀处还要再加上一万六千光年
但是距离我们只要加上三千光年
所以我们离银河系的中央点是三万光年
每一年我们移动两亿英哩
而我们的银河系只不过是其中的两百亿之一
这是个奇妙且浩瀚的宇宙
而宇宙本身仍继续不断
向不同方向扩张开来
而且是以光速在进行
每分钟一千两百万英哩是最快的速度
所以当你感到渺小和无助时
记住你的诞生实在没有价值
并且祷告在太空的某处有高智慧的生物存在
因为地球上只有笨蛋
让你觉得很卑微，是不是？
是的，是的
那能不能把你的肝给我？
好吧！你说服我了
艾克！
捐肝公司
最大的美国公司
再次让我们思考
到底还有什么我们能够拥有
议程第六项
生命的真谛
海瑞，你有什么看法？
过去几个礼拜我有一组人专门研究这个问题
结果可以缩小为两个基本概念
第一：人们帽子戴的不够
第二：能源问题
在宇宙中有许多能源我们感觉不到
有些能源来自心灵 根据人类的灵魂所产生
但是，这种灵魂
根据正统基督教义并不存在
要经过自我观察的程序
才会渐渐成形
总之，人类为每天的琐事而分心
几乎无法达到这个境界
再谈一下帽子的事？
喔，人们仍然戴的不够
真的吗？
当然，帽子销售是有增加 但仍然不够，根据研究…
当你说“足够” 它的目的是什么？
我能不能问你有关第二点…
当你说到因为人类会分心 所以无法达到心灵的发展
有没有人注意到 那栋楼本来就在那里吗？
什么？
我的天！
永保公司血泪史
插播！我们对配角的…
不当攻击致歉
好在我们有所准备
现在马上矫正
谢谢
生命的真谛 第六部 初老期
先生，女士们，晚安
这是我在加勒比海所写的
有阳具真好
有小弟弟真不错
兴奋时它会挺起 能有它是神的旨意
不管是小是大
让我们为它欢呼三声
小弟弟万岁
它是你的宝贝 也是你太太最好的朋友
你可以把它包装起来 也可以放在袜套里
但是千万不要在公共场所拿出来 否则法庭见面
而且永远不会回来
非常谢谢你们
这是一首富于机智的歌
充满智慧
非常好
太棒了
啊！糟糕，是克索先生
下午好，今天如何？
最好 最好？
最好拿个桶子来，我快吐了
阿盖？拿个桶子给先生用
先生，在这里
阿盖，谢谢你
我还没吐完
对不起！阿盖？
真对不起您！
今天下午我们有您最喜欢的煮野兔
野兔很大
调味料也很浓
其中有松露、醍鱼、熏肉和奶油
阿盖，谢谢你
还没完
让我来
再拿一个新桶子来
还有叫清洁工
趁她在整理，要不要来点开胃菜
还是直接点主菜
今天的开胃菜有…抱歉…
鱼冻、鹅肝酱、鲟鱼卵
圣班尼迪克的蛋、韭菜饼
和青蛙腿等等
更棒的是 以洋菇做底上面放鹌鹑蛋这道菜
非常精美且多汁
我全部都要
真是聪明的选择 你要我们怎么上菜呢？
全部混起来，放在桶子里好吗？
把蛋放在最上面
当然
多给点鹅肝酱
我向你保证，虽然全部混在一起
份量上只多不少
这样吧！我亲自保证，给您双份
您要不要喝点酒？
要，给我六瓶四五年的白兰地
一九四五年
和双份香槟
好，还要麦酒吗？
好，等等，还是不要了 我最多只能装下六瓶
希望昨天您没喝太多
闭嘴！
啊！拿新桶子和叫清洁工来了
菜有问题吗？
不，味道非常好
您对我们的服务不满意吗？
不，服务很好
可是我们得走了 我的月经很不舒服
我们还得赶火车
喔，对，我们还要赶火车
我不愿让经血流的到处都是
女士？
我们该走了吧？
啊，很好，非常谢谢您！
很高兴见到您们，希望您们能再次光临
先生，再见
喔，该死，我踩到那个桶子了
再拿个桶来
如果可能把水管也拿来
喔，麦克斯，你怎么这样！
最后，来一颗薄荷糖好吗？
不要！
只有薄薄一片
不，滚开，我饱了
您看！嗯！
这么薄
我胀死了，塞不下任何东西
走开
哦！来，只有一个
好吧！只能再吃一个
就这么一个
太好了
好胃口！
谢谢您！这是帐单
生命的真谛 第六部B 生命的真谛
玛丽亚，我常在想
在这种地方做事
根本无法发现生命的真谛
我曾在更糟的地方做过事
真的吗？
真的
我曾在研究院做过事
一点帮助也没有
我曾经在穆德里拜都图书馆做过事
记忆中也没教过我任何东西
还有众议院的图书馆 总该有点帮助吧！
没有！巴多图书馆也一样
我希望能在英国博物馆找到线索
从九点做到六点，读遍所有书籍
也没有告诉我生命的奇迹
我越来越老，越来越看不清楚
直到有一天，视觉消失而关节炎更厉害
只好在这里做清洁工
我并不觉得悲哀
因为我发觉生命就是一场游戏
有时赢，有时输
也许现在我在走下坡
至少我没替犹太人做事
我很抱歉
我不知道我们有种族歧视的工人
我诚心诚意地道歉
我指…
你到哪去？不，我可以解释
哼！关于我…
如果想知道我在想什么
让我带你去看点东西
跟我来
我是说那个…
喂，哈罗？
来呀
喂，哈罗？
哈罗！
这边走
来呀！别害羞
小心楼梯哟
这样会帮助我解释
跟我来，跟我来
在这里
来，来呀！
这边走
来
这边
跟着我呀
快到了
你看那边
那是我出生的地方
你知道，有一天
我妈妈把我放在腿上，对我说
阿盖，我的孩子
世界是个美丽的地方
你必须要溶入并且去爱每个人
试着让大家都高兴
使你所到之处充满安宁和满足
这就是我成为服务生的原因
我知道，这跟哲学没什么关系
那滚你的蛋
我可以用自己喜欢的方式生活
你滚蛋
别再跟我
生命的真谛 第七部 死亡
这个人就快死了
他马上就要被处死
因为亚瑟杰瑞犯了罪
不过他可以选择死亡的方法
他在这儿！
亚瑟 查理 郝伯 旺西 麦克亚当 杰瑞
你被十二个人定罪
因为在电影内开善意的黄色笑话
被定一级犯罪
尘归尘，土归土
没有用，我不想活了
我对任何人都没有好处
我要把一切结束掉
再见！再见！
喔！我的天！
喔，不！我…
我怎么办？没有他我不能活！
妈咪！
妈妈，你在哪儿？
爹地？妈咪？
有什么事吗？
是因为篱笆的事吗？
非常抱歉，但是…
我是恐怖收割者
谁？
恐怖收割者
哦！我明白
我是死神
是这样子的 我们有些美国朋友一起晚餐
亲爱的，是谁？
是死神先生之类的人 为了收割的事而来
我们现在不需要
哈罗！亲爱的，别让他在外面 请他进来
我认为不合适
请进，来，来喝杯酒
请进来
是当地的村民
来，请进来
这是从费城来的凯哈维
和他的太太，黛比
你好
还有这是来自波特兰敏西的杰米和芬娜
晚安
这是死神先生
亲爱的，给死神先生一杯酒
死神先生是个收割者
恐怖收割者
这种气候居然还能收割
死神先生，你仍在附近收割吗？
我是恐怖收割者
他只会说这些 死神先生，你的酒
请坐
我们正在讨论那些可怕的问题 发生在第三…
你比较喜欢白酒吗？ 我们没有啤酒
斯提耳顿干酪非常好
我不是…
这个世界上的人
啊！上帝
我是死神
五分钟前，我们还在讨论死亡
对，我们在探讨死亡是不是最后的终点站
对于一般人最不愿提及的“灵魂”或“神灵”
我先生哈维认为它们是存在的
还有更好的表达方法吗？
不错
你不了解
我是不懂嘛
死神先生，让我告诉你
你不能…
我代表在坐每个人向这不可思议的经验致敬
听着，听着
很高兴你来拜访我们
让我说完好吗？
死神先生
有来世吗？
亲爱的，你能不能等一下，请…
你真不要雪利酒？
安吉拉，拜托让我说
住嘴！
拜托让我说，好吗？
安静！
我要你们
你的意思是…
把你们带走
这是我的目的
我是死神
你使我们的夜晚变得很不愉快 对不对？
乔夫，我不同意，我认为
这是一个非常正面的学习经验
闭嘴！闭嘴！你这个美国人
你们这些美国人永远说个不停
你讲呀！讲呀！然后就说…
“让我告诉你”还有“我只想说这个”
现在你死了，所以闭嘴
死了？
死了
我们大家？
你们大家
你听着，你不请自来，摔破酒杯
然后漫不经心的宣布我们的死亡
让我提醒你，你是我们的客人
住嘴！
英国佬！你们是那么该死的自大
你们根本没有种
我能问你一个问题吗？
什么？
为什么我们死在同一个时间？
鲑鱼冻
亲爱的，你不是用罐头鲑鱼吧？
这真是最大的侮辱
现在时间到了
来
跟着我
只是试验
抱歉
跟着我
现在
来
鱼贩答应给我弄点新鲜鲑鱼
他很可靠
我们能不能带酒？
好主意
嗨！我还来不及吃鱼冻
亲爱的，说实话，我很没面子 太丢脸了
在晚宴上使用罐头鲑鱼是社交界的致命伤
能开车吗？
为什么不能？
好主意
对，为什么不能？
这就是天堂
亲爱的，我喜欢这里
马文，我也一样
哈罗，欢迎来到天堂
麻烦你先生，请在这里签字
好的
谢谢你
从这边过去，是餐厅 有桌子留给你们
给女士的
来世薄荷糖
谢谢
圣诞快乐
哦，今天是圣诞节？
当然，女士，每天都是圣诞节
哇！真棒！
真可爱
先生，女士们，晚安
今晚能在这里是我的荣耀
对我们大家来说
是一个奇妙而温暖的经验
我想为大家
唱一首歌
这是天堂的圣诞节
所有的小孩都在唱歌
这是天堂的圣诞节
倾听，倾听，教堂的钟声
这是天堂的圣诞节
雪从天而降
但它精致而温暖
还有每个人看起来都很聪明 并且都戴着领带
这是天堂的圣诞节
电视上有好电影
像每小时两次的真善美
有大白鲨一、二、三集
有送给全家的礼物
有化妆品和训练
有随身听耳机
还有最新的电玩
这是圣诞节 这是天堂的圣诞节
欢呼，欢呼，欢呼，欢呼，万岁
每一天
都是圣诞节
这是圣诞节 这是天堂的圣诞节
欢呼，欢呼，欢呼，欢呼，万岁
每一天都是…
好了，电影结束了，现在是生命的真谛
电影终场
布吉，谢谢你
没什么特别的
尽量对别人好，别吃太多脂肪
时常看书和散步
和不同教义与国籍的人和平相处
最后是一些免费的阳具照片
主要用意是困扰监察机构 希望能引起争论，如此一来
就可以把录影带事业挤掉 而重回电影事业
家庭娱乐！胡说八道 他们只想看…
在销售塑胶餐具的派对中 大家用电锯互相厮杀
保姆被同性恋的总统后选人用毛线针刺死
义警把鸡勒死
武装的戏剧评论家消灭了变种山羊
哪里有好玩的影片？喔，好吧！
以下是本片主题曲，晚安
“制片人对所有参加演出的鱼儿致谢”
“希望其他鱼类能向他们学习”
“从此以后所有鱼类和平共存”
“把差异放在一边 不再互相攻击和残食”
“希望鱼类以及喜欢它们的生物 前途更加光明”