CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NEW LINE HOME VIDEO
ANOTHER GREAT RACE TODAY, JOHNNY.
WHO ARE YOU GONNA RIDE IN THE STAKES?
WELL, EDDIE, LIKE MY DADDY ALWAYS USED TO SAY,
AND I LIVE BY IT,
"NEVER CHANGE HORSES IN MIDSTREAM."
NEVER CHANGE HORSES.
SOUNDS LIKE A SMART BET TO ME.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
YEAH. ALWAYS STICK WITH A WINNER.
Announcer: KEEP AMERICA WORKING.
DON'T CHANGE HORSES IN MIDSTREAM.
ON ELECTION DAY
REELECT THE PRESIDENT.
Guard: CAN I GET YOU TO STEP THIS WAY, MR. BREAN?
LIFT YOUR ARMS, PLEASE.
THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S MR. FIX-IT.
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
Winifred Ames: YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE A SEAT RIGHT HERE, CONNIE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING.
THESE, UH...
JOHN LEVY'S STAFF,
HIS ASSISTANT,
AND, OF COURSE, AMY CAIN, PRESS.
UH, YES.
THANK YOU. THAT'LL BE ALL.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?
YEAH, BLACK, PLEASE.
GAVISTON, BRING SOME COFFEE, PLEASE. BLACK.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KIDS HERE IN THIS ROOM,
WHAT YOU HEAR HERE, WHAT YOU SAY HERE,
WHAT YOU DO HERE, IF IT GETS OUT,
YOU LEAKED IT.
TELL THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO KNOW.
WHEN IT BROKE,
THE PRESIDENT SAID ONE THING.
"GET ME CONRAD BREAN."
ANYWAY, WHAT'S THE THING?
HE HAD AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT NANNY SOME YEARS BACK?
DIDN'T DECLARE HER?
YOU PEOPLE GET AHEAD IN THE POLLS,
ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU GET A LITTLE NERVOUS.
HE MADE A PASS AT SOME SECRETARY SOME YEARS AGO?
THERE WAS A GROUP OF FIREFLY GIRLS
FROM SANTA FE HERE LAST MONTH.
ONE OF THE GIRLS EXPRESSED AN INTEREST
IN A FREDERIC REMINGTON BUST.
THE PRESIDENT TOOK HER INTO--
YOU KNOW THE OFFICE BEHIND THE OVAL OFFICE?
FOR A PERIOD OF--
IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN OVER 3 MINUTES.
THE SECRET SERVICE WILL BACK ME UP ON THAT.
SO IT'S NOT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT NANNY THING?
THE GIRL'S ALLEGING?
[SIGHS]
JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH.
WE'RE VIRTUALLY CERTAIN THAT--
MAYBE WE COULD SAY
IT WAS A FUNNY DRUG REACTION TO THE FLU.
WHO'S GOT THE STORY?
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW IF IT'S TRUE?
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF IT'S TRUE?
IT'S A STORY AND IT BREAKS,
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO RUN WITH IT.
HOW LONG WE GOT TILL IT BREAKS?
FRONT PAGE,
WASHINGTON POST TOMORROW.
OH, WELL, YEAH. NOW THAT'S NOT GOOD.
OK, WHERE IS HE?
CHINA.
CHINA, OK. WHEN IS HE DUE BACK?
THEY'RE SET TO LEAVE PRETTY SOON.
UH, YEAH.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, HE STAYS ON THE GROUND IN CHINA.
AT LEAST ANOTHER DAY.
WHY?
ARE YOU THE PRESS OFFICE?
YES.
EARN YOUR MONEY--HE'S ILL, THE PLANE IS SICK.
WHEN DO WE BRING HIM BACK?
I'M GONNA NEED A DAY.
AT LEAST A DAY.
HE'S SICK. GET THAT OUT RIGHT NOW.
GET 'EM ON THE PHONE
AND TELL THE JACKALS HOW SICK HE IS.
WE GOTTA GET THAT OUT BEFORE THE STORY BREAKS
SO WE AREN'T CAUGHT RESPONDING TO IT.
ISSUE IT AS A BULLETIN. HE'S GOT SOME RARE STRAIN--
WON'T HOLD.
I NEED A DAY. I NEED SOME RUNNING TIME.
IT WON'T EVEN HOLD A DAY, CONNIE.
YES, IT WILL. YOU KNOW WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
WHY IS THE PRESIDENT IN CHINA?
TRADE RELATIONS.
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT,
AND IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE B-3 BOMBER.
THERE IS NO B-3 BOMBER.
I JUST SAID THAT. THERE IS NO B-3 BOMBER,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THESE RUMORS GET STARTED.
ALL RIGHT, I NEED $20,000.
I NEED A CAR.
GET ME A CAR AND A DRIVER.
THE SOUTHWEST GATE NOW, PLEASE.
TRY AND GET ME--
WHAT?
WHAT IS IT?
CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL.
SHOULD WE LOOK AT IT?
YEAH, YEAH, PUT IT IN.
OH, THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
Brean: WHAT IS IT?
THE ROUGH CUT.
THE OTHER SIDE'S NEW COMMERCIAL.
OH, THE NEAL COMMERCIAL.
YEAH. WE HAD SOMEBODY STEAL IT
FROM THE EDITING BAY.
TURN IT UP.
THIS'LL BE ON THE AIR THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
Announcer: IN THE FINAL DAYS OF THE CAMPAIGN,
HAS THE PRESIDENT CHANGED HIS TUNE?
Maurice Chevalier: * THANK HEAVEN *
* FOR LITTLE GIRLS *
Announcer: THE PRESIDENCY IS ABOUT HONOR.
* THANK HEAVEN *
* FOR LITTLE GIRLS *
Announcer: IT'S ABOUT PRINCIPLES.
* WITHOUT THEM *
* WHAT WOULD LITTLE BOYS DO? *
Announcer: AND IT'S ABOUT INTEGRITY.
THIS TUNE HAS GOT TO CHANGE.
ON ELECTION DAY,
VOTE NEAL FOR PRESIDENT.
OH, BOY.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S GONNA TAKE THE PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY?
IS THERE A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO USE THIS AS A BASE OF OPERATIONS.
I'M GONNA NEED 1 DAY, 2 DAYS.
WHOEVER'S LEAKING THAT STUFF
TO THAT GEEK AT THE POST LETS IT SLIP,
"JEEZ, I HOPE THIS WON'T SCREW UP THE B-3 PROGRAM.
"WHAT B-3 PROGRAM, AND WHY SHOULD IT SCREW IT UP?"
"WELL, IF THE PRESIDENT DECIDES TO DEPLOY THE B-3
BEFORE IT'S FULLY TESTED..."
"DEPLOY THE B-3 BEFORE IT'S FULLY TESTED?"
"YEAH." "WHY?"
"WHY? THE CRISIS."
WHAT CRISIS?
I'M WORKING ON THAT.
ALL RIGHT, AT THE SAME TIME, GET GENERAL SCOTT
AND THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF
AND PUT 'EM ON A PLANE TO SEATTLE RIGHT AWAY.
HE'S ALL FLUSTERED AND NERVOUS
TO TALK TO THE BOEING PEOPLE.
RIGHT, BUT--BUT--
BUT--BUT WHAT?
BUT THERE ISN'T A B-3 BOMBER.
WHERE'D YOU GO TO SCHOOL, KID, WELLESLEY?
DARTMOUTH.
THEN SHOW A LITTLE SPUNK. THERE IS NO B-3 BOMBER.
GENERAL SCOTT, TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE,
IS NOT IN SEATTLE TO TALK TO BOEING.
IT WON'T HOLD. IT WON'T PROVE OUT.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO PROVE OUT.
WE JUST GOTTA DISTRACT 'EM.
JUST GOTTA DISTRACT 'EM.
GOT LESS THAN 2 WEEKS TO THE ELECTION.
WHAT IN THE WORLD WOULD DO THAT?
I'M WORKING ON IT.
WINIFRED, MR. BREAN.
THANK YOU.
WHAT'S THIS?
$20,000.
I GOTTA GO TO L.A. AND SEE A HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER.
YOU'LL MEET ME AT NATIONAL IN AN HOUR.
WE'LL GO TO CHICAGO AND CONNECT THERE TO L.A.
SEE YOU AT NATIONAL.
TELL ME THIS AGAIN.
WE LANDING?
TELL ME AGAIN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT'S NOTHING NEW.
DURING REAGAN'S ADMINISTRATION, 240 MARINES KILLED IN BEIRUT.
24 HOURS LATER WE INVADE GRENADA.
THAT WAS THEIR M.O.
CHANGE THE STORY, CHANGE THE LEAD.
IT'S NOT A NEW CONCEPT.
WAKE ME WHEN WE TOUCH DOWN. WE'LL TALK MORE ABOUT IT.
WAIT, WAIT.
WE CAN'T AFFORD A WAR.
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE A WAR.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF A WAR.
WE CANNOT AFFORD THE APPEARANCE OF A WAR.
WHAT'LL IT COST?
BUT THEY WOULD FIND OUT.
WHO'S GONNA FIND OUT?
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?
EXACTLY.
WHO'S GONNA TELL 'EM?
WHAT DID THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THE GULF WAR?
ONE VIDEO OF ONE BOMB FALLS DOWN A CHIMNEY,
BLOWS UP THE BUILDING.
THE BUILDING COULD HAVE BEEN MADE OUT OF LEGOS.
YOU REALLY WANT US TO GO TO WAR?
THAT'S THE GENERAL IDEA.
WITH WHO?
I'M WORKING ON IT.
ALBANIA?
YEAH.
WHY?
WHY NOT?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT 'EM?
NOTHING.
PRECISELY.
THEY SEEM SHIFTY.
THEY SEEM STANDOFFISH.
WHO KNOWS FROM ALBANIA?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ALBANIANS?
WHO TRUSTS ALBANIANS?
YEAH, BUT WHAT DID ALBANIA EVER DO TO US?
WHAT DID THEY EVER DO FOR US?
THIS IS WHY WE HAVE TO MOBILIZE THE B-3 BOMBER.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO TO WAR WITH ALBANIA?
WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.
GET YOUR PRESS OFFICE RIGHT NOW TO DENY IT.
OK, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
DENY. "THERE IS NO REPORT OF ALBANIAN ACTIVITY."
THEY HAVE TO DENY IT.
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
DENY, DENY, DENY.
T.V. Anchor: EXPECTING NEWS FROM THE PRESIDENT
ON TRADE AND HIS VISIT TO CHINA.
ANOTHER SORT OF NEWS, HOWEVER,
HAS EMERGED FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL QUARTER.
WE TURN TO MELISSA GARDNER AT KZAB IN SANTA FE
WITH THIS BREAKING NEWS.
Gardner: THANKS, RICHARD. TODAY A LOCAL FIREFLY GIRL
ACCUSED THE PRESIDENT OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.
THIS PHOTO OF THE PRESIDENT WITH THE GIRLS
WAS TAKEN DURING THEIR RECENT TOUR OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
THE GIRL CLAIMS THAT THE SEXUAL MISCONDUCT OCCURRED
INSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE.
HER ATTORNEY SAYS THERE ARE NO PLANS YET
TO HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE.
RIGHT NOW FOLKS IN SANTA FE
AND THE REST OF AMERICA
ARE WAITING FOR A RESPONSE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
ON THESE HARSH ALLEGATIONS.
WITH THE ELECTION ONLY DAYS AWAY,
THE BIG QUESTION IS
HOW MUCH WILL THIS SCANDAL AFFECT THE OUTCOME?
TOP PEOPLE, ALBANIAN DESK.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW EITHER,
BUT WE PROBABLY HAVE ONE.
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO ROUST THEM OUT OF BED.
ALBANIAN DESK, CIA, NSA,
ROUST THEM OUT OF BED, SIRENS BLARING.
HONEY, I KNOW THEY'RE GONNA BE UP IN AN HOUR.
I WANT THEM UP NOW. LISTEN, YOU TELL YOUR STAFF...
GENERAL SCOTT IN SEATTLE?
WELL, NO, I DON'T THINK HIS TRIP
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE B-3 BOMBER.
WELL, BECAUSE--
EXCUSE ME, MISS.
I'LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TURN THAT OFF.
YEAH, IT'LL JUST BE A SECOND. BECAUSE I'VE SAID FLAT OUT--
THERE ARE NO ELECTRONICS
ON THE PLANE.
I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TURN THAT OFF.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. IT'LL JUST TAKE 2 SECONDS.
WE'VE SAID FLAT OUT THERE IS NO B-3 BOMBER.
I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND.
IF IT IS TRUE, HE SHOULD, HE MUST STEP DOWN,
AND IF IT'S NOT TRUE, THEN HE MUST--
WE ARE INFORMED HE HAS EXTENDED HIS VISIT TO CHINA,
AND I SAY ON BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
COME HOME. FACE THE MUSIC, WHATEVER THAT MAY BE.
THE ELECTION'S IN 11 DAYS.
LET THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DECIDE.
Reporter: "LET THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DECIDE."
SENATOR NEAL, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
WITH--EXCUSE ME, SENATOR,
THAT'S 11 DAYS TILL THE ELECTION
AND THE PRESIDENT AHEAD IN THE POLLS BY--BOB?
17%
ACCUSATIONS HAVE SURFACED
WHICH COULD AFFECT THE OUTCOME...
Bob: THE WHITE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED
THAT IN RESPONSE TO THE MEDIA PRESSURE,
THERE WILL BE A PRESS CONFERENCE.
Ames: MY GOD, THIS IS HOW A HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER LIVES?
THIS IS BIGGER THAN THE WHITE HOUSE.
Stanley Motss: GET ME MY VEGGIE SHAKE, RAMON,
AND REMIND ME TO TURN OVER IN 10 MINUTES
TO TAN THE OTHER SIDE.
UH, DO I KNOW YOU?
Brean: WE HAVE SOME MUTUAL FRIENDS IN WASHINGTON.
YES, AS YOU SAID, AND IS IT TRUE?
Ames: OH, MR. MOTSS, I WOULDN'T--
YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE IF IT WASN'T TRUE.
IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?
WELL, REALLY, WHO COULD SAY?
I LIKE THE GUY. HE SIGNED HIS BOOK TO ME,
"FOR 2 GENERATIONS--" NO, WHAT WAS IT?
"FOR PROGRESS TO OCCUR, I THINK HE SAID."
2 GENERATIONS TO AGREE, YES.
THAT'S WHAT HE INSCRIBED. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
THAT'S THE TITLE OF THE BOOK.
THAT'S THE TITLE?
MM-HMM. YEAH.
FOR PROGRESS TO OCCUR IT'S NECESSARY FOR 2--
THAT'S A TERRIBLE TITLE.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
FOR 2 GENERATIONS TO AGREE.
THAT IS THE TITLE.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER LOOKED AT THE COVER.
I JUST LOOKED AT WHAT HE WROTE TO ME.
WELL, WHEN YOU GET THE TIME, YOU CAN READ THE COVER.
PRESS SECRETARY JOHN LEVY.
HE'S EXPECTED TO RESPOND TO THE FIREFLY'S ALLEGATIONS
OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT BY THE PRESIDENT.
OOH, THIS GUY IS FUCKED.
Brean: WELL, WHAT ONE HAS TO DO, MR. MOTSS,
IS TO FIGHT A HOLDING ACTION.
HOLDING ACTION?
THEY'RE GOING TO RUN THIS MAN
THROUGH THE SHREDDER.
IF WE CAN HOLD THE BREAK IN THE DAM
FOR 11 DAYS TILL THE ELECTION, WE THINK WE GOT A CHANCE.
YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DAM.
HOW THE HELL--
I DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO.
Levy: ADVISED HIM TO STAY ON THE GROUND IN CHINA
FOR, THEY ESTIMATE, ONE OR 2 DAYS.
AND DURING THAT TIME, OF COURSE, WE'LL REMAIN--
YEAH, BUT HE'S GOTTA COME BACK SOMETIME.
WHAT THE HELL IS ONE OR 2 DAYS GONNA BUY YOU?
LOOK AT ALL THOSE HANDS.
BRER RABBIT COULDN'T GET OUT OF THIS.
WOULD YOU COMMENT PLEASE ON THE RUMORS
THAT THE PRESIDENT'S DELAY
IS DUE TO THE SITUATION IN ALBANIA?
Levy: THERE IS, UM...
I'M NOT AWARE OF THE SITUATION TO WHICH YOU REFER.
WE'VE JUST LEARNED THAT THE STATE DEPARTMENT
HAS SET UP A SPECIAL ALBANIAN TASK FORCE
AT OPS CENTER.
MR. SKLANSKY, I AM, UH...
WE HAVE NOT-- MRS. ROSE, YEAH?
Rose: EARLY THIS MORNING
GENERAL WILLIAM SCOTT FLEW TO SEATTLE.
IS HIS TRIP CONNECTED
WITH THE B-3 BOMBER?
MRS. ROSE, TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE,
THERE IS NO B-3 BOMBER.
MR. LEVY, IS THE SITUATION IN ALBANIA
RELATED IN ANY WAY TO THE MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALIST
ANTI-AMERICAN UPRISING?
NOW YOU GET IT. NOW THEY GET IT.
THERE YOU GO.
THERE'S A LITTLE HELP.
THAT HAVE FUNDAMENTALIST MOVEMENTS...
HOW CLOSE ARE YOU TO THIS THING?
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE KID TO SAY?
Levy: THE SITUATION, AT LEAST, AND, UH...
WE WILL KEEP YOU APPRISED OF ANY NEW INFORMATION.
AT THIS TIME THERE IS NO INFORMATION...
HAVE HIM SAY, UH...
I KNOW WE'RE ALL CONCERNED
FOR THE PRESIDENT.
I'M SURE THAT OUR HOPES
AND PRAYERS ARE WITH HIM.
COULD YOU HAVE LEVY SAY,
"I KNOW WE'RE ALL CONCERNED FOR THE PRESIDENT.
I'M SURE OUR HOPES AND PRAYERS ARE WITH HIM."
THANKS.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I KNOW
THAT WE ARE ALL CONCERNED
FOR THE PRESIDENT AND THAT OUR HOPES
AND PRAYERS ARE WITH HIM.
NO. HE DIDN'T PHRASE IT RIGHT.
HE DIDN'T SELL THE LINE.
Levy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]
ALL RIGHT, YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF ONE DAY,
MAYBE 2.
STRING A FEW TOGETHER.
ALL I NEED IS 11 TILL THE ELECTION.
HOW YOU GONNA STRETCH IT?
THIS ISN'T GONNA HOLD FOR 11 DAYS.
THE GUY FUCKED A GIRL SCOUT.
A FIREFLY GIRL.
THE GUY FUCKED A FIREFLY GIRL.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO HOLD THAT OFF?
EXCUSE ME. I'M GONNA GET MY VEGGIE SHAKE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HOLD IT OFF, MR. MOTSS?
NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING.
I MEAN, YOU'D HAVE TO HAVE A WAR.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.
I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, YES?
WHY COME TO ME?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHY, MR. MOTSS.
"54, 40 OR FIGHT." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT'S A SLOGAN. IT'S FROM THE--
"REMEMBER THE MAINE."
YEAH, THAT'S FROM--
"TIPPECANOE AND TYLER, TOO."
NO, THAT'S NOT--
THEY'RE WAR SLOGANS, MR. MOTSS.
WE REMEMBER THE SLOGANS,
WE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE FUCKING WARS.
YOU KNOW WHY? WHY?
THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS. THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
NAKED GIRL, COVERED IN NAPALM.
"V" FOR VICTORY.
5 MARINES RAISING THE FLAG,
MOUNT SURIBACHI.
YOU REMEMBER THE PICTURE 50 YEARS FROM NOW,
YOU'LL HAVE FORGOTTEN THE WAR.
THE GULF WAR, SMART BOMB FALLING DOWN A CHIMNEY.
2,500 MISSIONS A DAY, 100 DAYS.
ONE VIDEO OF ONE BOMB, MR. MOTSS.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE BOUGHT THAT WAR.
WAR IS SHOW BUSINESS.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
Motss: AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THE PRESIDENT?
[HITTING TENNIS BALL]
Motss: WHY ALBANIA?
Brean: WHY NOT?
THEY GOTTA KNOW AT SOME POINT.
WHO?
THE, UH, YOU KNOW,
THE PUBLIC.
THEY GOTTA KNOW? YES.
STAN, GET WITH IT.
WHO KILLED KENNEDY? I READ THE FIRST DRAFT
OF THE WARREN REPORT.
SAYS HE WAS KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER.
YOU WATCHED THE GULF WAR.
WHAT DO YOU SEE DAY AFTER DAY?
THE ONE SMART BOMB FALLING DOWN A CHIMNEY.
THE TRUTH?
I WAS IN THE BUILDING WHEN WE SHOT THAT SHOT.
WE SHOT IT IN A STUDIO
IN FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA.
1/10 SCALE MODEL OF A BUILDING.
IS THAT TRUE?
HOW THE FUCK DO WE KNOW? YOU TAKE MY POINT?
ALL RIGHT, OK.
AND YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?
WE WANT YOU TO PRODUCE.
YOU WANT ME TO PRODUCE YOUR WAR?
NOT A WAR. IT'S A PAGEANT.
WE NEED A THEME, A SONG, SOME VISUALS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A PAGEANT.
IT'S LIKE THE OSCARS.
THAT'S WHY WE CAME TO YOU.
I NEVER WON AN OSCAR.
THAT'S A DAMN SHAME, BUT YOU PRODUCED THE OSCARS.
YES, INDEED, I DID.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A WRITER, THAT'S YOUR SCRIPT.
YOU'RE A DIRECTOR, BUT IF YOU'RE THE PRODUCER,
WHAT DID YOU DO?
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU DO.
THE PRODUCER, ALL HE'S GOT IS THE CREDIT.
YOU SEE? AND SOME PLAQUES ON THE WALL.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT WE DO.
STAN.
DON'T GET ME STARTED.
YES. STAN.
IF YOU NEVER WON AN OSCAR,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE AN AMBASSADORSHIP?
THAT'S MY PAYOFF?
YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
HELL, I'D JUST DO IT FOR THE FUN OF IT,
FOR A STORY TO TELL.
OH, NO, YOU COULDN'T TELL ANYBODY.
OH, HEY, LISTEN, I'M JUST KIDDING.
YOU COULDN'T TELL ANYBODY.
I KNOW. IT'S JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
NO, NO, IT'S JUST A-- IT'S A PAGEANT.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
THE COUNTRY'S AT WAR.
IT'S MISS AMERICA, AND YOU'RE BERT PARKS.
WHY ALBANIA? BECAUSE.
THEY HAVE TO HAVE SOMETHING WE WANT.
WHAT DO WE HAVE THAT THEY WANT?
FREEDOM.
WELL, WHY WOULD THEY WANT THAT?
OPPRESSED?
NO, NO, NO.
FUCK FREEDOM.
THEY WANT TO DESTROY THE GODLESS SATAN
OF THE UNITED--
THEY WANT TO DESTROY OUR WAY OF LIFE.
ALL RIGHT, OK, OK, OK?
THE PRESIDENT IS IN CHINA. HE IS DEALING WITH THE DISPATCH
OF THE B-3 BOMBER TO ALBANIA.
WHY?
WHY? HELP ME.
WELL, HE...
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE, GEO-POLITICALLY--
SHH. WE JUST FOUND OUT THEY HAVE THE BOMB.
WE JUST FOUND OUT THEY HAVE THE BOMB.
THAT'S GOOD.
AND--AND--NO, NO, NO, WAIT A SECOND.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A SECOND.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
NO, THE BOMB'S NOT THERE
BECAUSE THEY'D HAVE TO HAVE A ROCKET AND THAT SHIT.
RIGHT? THEY ARE A BUNCH OF WOGS.
NO, NO, NO. CROSS THAT OUT.
ALL RIGHT, SO IT'S A SUITCASE BOMB.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I SAID THAT.
IT'S A SUITCASE BOMB.
YOU DON'T NEED MISSILES.
YOU CAN PUT A BOMB IN A SUITCASE.
IT'S A SUITCASE BOMB.
THAT'S GOOD. A SUITCASE BOMB.
IT'S A SUITCASE BOMB.
WHEN IT'S COOKING, IT'S COOKING.
WE'RE COOKING, AND IT'S IN...
IT'S IN--IT'S IN...
CANADA.
ALL RIGHT?
ALBANIAN TERRORISTS HAVE PLACED A SUITCASE BOMB
IN CANADA IN AN ATTEMPT
TO INFILTRATE THE BOMB INTO THE USA.
THAT'S GOOD.
HUH?
THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S TERRIFIC,
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY. IT IS COST EFFECTIVE.
IT'S PRODUCING. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
NO, IT'S REALLY GREAT.
OH, LISTEN, I COULD TELL YOU STORIES.
CECIL B. DE MILLE, THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH.
HE NEEDS AN ELEPHANT.
I GOT THE PRESIDENT ON THE LINE.
HEY, ONE MINUTE.
DE MILLE, RIGHT? NEEDS AN ELEPHANT
FOR A RESHOOT. YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES?
AMES HERE.
YES, SIR?
YOU LISTENING?
OH, YEAH.
NOBODY'S LISTENING.
I'M LISTENING.
OK, OK, THE SUITCASE BOMB.
OOH, GOOD TITLE FOR A MOVIE.
PLEASE, WRITE IT DOWN. DON'T EDITORIALIZE.
THE THINKING IS, TERRORISM.
ACT 1: ALBANIA DENIES EVERYTHING.
THE PRESIDENT COMES ON THE AIR, "BE CALM."
KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA NEED RIGHT AWAY?
YOU BETTER GET ME JOHNNY DEAN, LIZ BUTSKY AND THE FAD KING.
ISN'T JOHNNY DEAN IN THE...
BACK IN NASHVILLE.
OK, ACT 2.
WE DON'T NEED AN ACT 2.
DON'T FORGET, YOU KNOW, FAD KING.
WE DON'T NEED AN ACT 2?
WE JUST HAVE TO HOLD THEIR INTEREST
FOR 11 DAYS TILL THE ELECTION.
IT'S A TEASER.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
GRACE.
Grace: YEAH?
TEASER.
THEY'RE GETTING A REALLY GOOD REACTION
ON THE ALBANIAN THING.
HELLO, JOHN, YOU 2-BIT REDNECK SHITKICKER,
HOW THE HECK ARE YOU?
GET OUT, GET OUT.
[LAUGHS]
HE'S GOT A NEW WIFE.
RIGHT NOW HE'S RIDING AROUND IN A PICKUP TRUCK
WITH A SHOTGUN AND A DOG.
[LAUGHS]
LISTEN, LISTEN.
WE NEED YOU HERE YESTERDAY.
ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
COME ON, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE.
THE PRESIDENT WONDERS
ABOUT THE POSSIBLE ALBANIAN BACKLASH.
YOU CAN'T HAVE A WAR WITHOUT AN ENEMY.
WE COULD HAVE ONE, BUT IT WOULD BE A VERY DULL WAR.
HOW LONG DO WE NEED HIM HERE FOR?
WE'RE DONE IN 11 DAYS.
11 DAYS, JOHN. WE NEED YOU.
YOU WANT TO WRITE A SONG FOR US?
IS THERE GONNA BE A BACK END ON THIS THING?
WHAT?
IS THERE GONNA BE A BACK END ON THIS THING?
WHAT? BACK END?
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
PERCENTAGE POINTS, MONEY.
YEAH, COUNT ON IT.
WHERE IS THE BACK END COMING FROM?
LOTS OF CASH, JOHN.
IT'S LIKE THAT THING WITH THE YELLOW RIBBONS.
THING WITH THE YELLOW RIBBONS?
YEAH, THE HOSTAGES.
HOSTAGES?
YEAH. THEY TIED THE YELLOW RIBBONS AROUND EVERYTHING.
YEAH, BUT THAT WAS A NATURALLY OCCURRING--
WHAT? THAT WAS A PUT-UP JOB?
Motss: ALL RIGHT.
GRACE. GRACE!
Grace: YES, WHAT?
JEEZ.
Motss: I WANT YOU TO GET JOHNNY A TICKET, OK?
FAD KING ON 2.
OK. HE'S RIDING AROUND IN A PICKUP TRUCK RIGHT NOW
WITH A SHOTGUN AND A DOG.
ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
KING.
LISTEN, YEAH. GOT A THING HERE, PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
OF COURSE THERE'S A BACK END.
IT CAN'T BE A RIBBON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH A RIBBON?
'CAUSE AIDS HAS A RIBBON,
THE YELLOW RIBBON THING HAD A RIBBON.
FUCK RIBBONS.
LOOK, CANADA, OK? OUR NEIGHBOR TO THE NORTH
ALL OF A SUDDEN TRANSFORMED INTO THAT PLACE FROM WHENCE,
LIKE THE NORTH WIND, TERROR COMES.
I LIKE THAT. KEEP TALKING.
WHAT GUARDS US AGAINST CANADA?
* I GUARD THE CANADIAN BORDER *
MOUNTIES GUARD THE BORDER. MOUNTIE HATS.
Fad King: NO. STUPID FUCKING HATS.
DAVY CROCKETT HAD A HAT. HE MADE A FORTUNE.
WITH DAVY CROCKETT HATS, YOU COULD CRUSH THEM
WHEN YOU FELT STUPID AND PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKET.
YOU CAN'T PUT A MOUNTIE HAT IN YOUR POCKET.
YOU SEE THIS?
THIS IS WHAT PRODUCING IS.
YOU PUT ME IN A ROOM WITH TALENT, WHOO.
ELECTRIC.
I'M THINKING ARMBANDS. THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING.
ARMBANDS IS GOOD.
AND I'M THINKING GREEN.
NOT LIKE KELLY GREEN.
LAST YEAR THE NUMBER ONE SELLING COLOR
IN NEW CARS IN AMERICA WAS GREEN.
PEOPLE LIKE GREEN, BUT NOT...
HUNTER.
HUNTER GREEN. STRONG, PRIDE, DIGNITY.
NOT KELLY GREEN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I LIKE IT WITH A HAT. PUT IT WITH A HAT.
MAYBE.
YOU SEE THAT?
* SIT ON MY LAP IF YOU LOVE ME *
* BUT DON'T PUT YOUR HAND DOWN THERE *
Motss: NO, I DIDN'T MEAN--
* WE'LL TAKE A SHORT NAP *
SEE, I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD SEE IT.
I DON'T THINK IT SHOULD BE A SONG.
* I'M GLAD THAT YOUR MAMA'S NOT HERE *
I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO DO A SONG ABOUT IT.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
* SIT ON MY LAP *
I DON'T THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE WHAT WE'RE DOING.
I JUST MEANT FOR YOU TO SEE IT.
* I GUARD THE CANADIAN BORDER *
THE PRESIDENT SPENT THE WEEKEND PRESSING THE FLESH.
HE WASN'T CAMPAIGNING, HE WAS DATING, ACTUALLY.
CONNIE.
CHANGE THIS. THANK YOU.
BEHIND THE MENTION OF ALBANIA, OF HIS STOMACH FLU.
TAKING REFUGE THESE SCANT DAYS AWAY FROM THE ELECTION.
YOUNG GIRL IN RUBBLE.
SHE WAS DRIVEN FROM HER HOME BY ALBANIAN TERRORISTS.
OK, IT IS HER WE ARE MOBILIZING TO DEFEND.
OR IS IT SHE? WHAT DO YOU SAY?
IT IS "HER WE ARE MOBILIZING."
CAN WE GET HER A KITTEN?
YOUNG GIRL IN RUBBLE WITH A KITTEN.
GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
SEE, THIS IS TOO STATIC.
YOUNG GIRL RUNNING FROM THE VILLAGE.
RIGHT? MORE ENERGY.
TIME TO FACE THESE TERRIBLE CHARGES,
TO ANSWER ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS.
WHAT'S THIS, STANLEY?
OH, THESE ARE HEAD SHOTS.
GIRLS TO PLAY THE VICTIM IN OUR NEWS FOOTAGE.
OK, WRITE THIS DOWN.
YOUNG GIRL RUNNING FROM VILLAGE TOWARDS CAMERA.
GRAINY HAND-HELD NEWS FOOTAGE.
SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS, PEOPLE?
I LIKE THE SORROWFUL ONE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AGAIN?
YOUNG ALBANIAN GIRL RUNNING FROM HER HOME.
I LIKE THIS BROAD RIGHT HERE.
WHERE?
NO. YOURS IS TOO TEXAN.
WE'RE LOCKED INTO ALBANIA. WHY?
ALBANIA'S HARD TO RHYME.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR?
IT'S THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY.
* ALBANIA *
THAT RHYMES.
JOHN BELUSHI?
JIM.
JIM BELUSHI.
JIM BELUSHI WHAT?
ALBANIAN?
JIM BELUSHI'S ALBANIAN?
SUREST THING YOU KNOW. ARE YOU KIDDING?
KNOW ANYBODY WHO'S EVER EATEN
IN AN ALBANIAN RESTAURANT?
IS THERE SUCH A THING AS AN ALBANIAN RESTAURANT?
HAS TO BE. THEY HAVE TO EAT.
Brean: IS THERE A NATIONAL DISH?
Fad King: NOBODY WOULD KNOW. WE CAN MAKE IT UP.
JIM BELUSHI IS ALBANIAN.
OH, YEAH.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT TIME IS IT?
WHAT IS IT?
UH, 3:03.
GREAT IDEA.
OK, TO THE MEN AND WOMEN
OF THE 303 DETACHMENT WITH THEIR...
LEOPARD SKIN. BLACK.
WITH THEIR BERETS.
HOW ABOUT ALL BLACK?
THAT'S GOOD.
* HALF BLACK, HALF LEOPARD *
* WEAR IT ON YOUR HEAD *
* HALF BLACK, HALF LEOPARD *
* WEAR IT TO YOUR BED *
* HALF BLACK, HALF LEOPARD *
* I GUARD *
* THE AMERICAN DREAM *
* I GUARD *
* THE AMERICAN DREAM *
* DA DA DA DA DA DA *
T.V. Announcer: EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY THESE DAYS.
IF THEY'RE NOT RUSHING SOMEWHERE,
THEY'LL BE CHANGING SOMETHING
THAT DOESN'T NEED CHANGING.
THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD
WE'RE STANDING BEHIND THE PRESIDENT.
SURE WE ARE. IT JUST MAKES GOOD SENSE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO CHANGE HORSES IN MIDSTREAM.
WHY ARE THEY STICKING WITH THIS AGE-OLD HORSE SHIT.
WHY ARE THEY STICKING WITH THE SAME OLD GARBAGE?
WHO HIRES THESE PEOPLE?
I FEEL INSULTED JUST HAVING SEEN IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S OFFENSIVE.
MMM. NEW YORK TIMES, WASHINGTON POST,
WAR, WAR, WAR.
TIMES GOT THE FIREFLY GIRL IN THE STYLE SECTION.
POST ON PAGE 12.
IT'S GOOD.
HELLO.
HMM?
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT. LISTEN UP, CONNIE.
IT'S ALL WAR. YOU'RE DOING GOOD.
WOULD YOU VOTE FOR THAT PERSON BASED ON THAT COMMERCIAL?
Fad King: YOU KNOW I DON'T VOTE.
WHY DON'T YOU VOTE?
THAT ONE TIME IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
WHEN THEY STARTED THE FANS VOTING THING,
AND I VOTED FOR BOOG POWELL ON FIRST BASE,
AND HE DIDN'T GET IN,
AND IT JUST DISAPPOINTED ME.
IT STAYED WITH ME. IT'S FUTILE.
YOU'VE NEVER VOTED FOR PRESIDENT?
NO.
DO YOU VOTE?
NO. I ALWAYS VOTE FOR THE ACADEMY AWARDS,
BUT I NEVER WIN.
LIZ, DO YOU VOTE?
NO, I DON'T VOTE. I DON'T LIKE THE ROOMS.
TOO CLAUSTROPHOBIC. I CAN'T VOTE IN SMALL PLACES.
IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME.
OH.
WE GOT THE ALBANIAN GIRL WITH A CAT,
WITH A KITTEN, WITH A DOG.
I DON'T WANT A DOG. I ASKED FOR A KITTEN.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
I WANT A KITTEN.
BUT THE PET WRANGLER SUGGESTED--
I THINK I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT
BEFORE YOU DECIDE ON AN ANIMAL.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. CAN'T THEY FIND ME A KITTEN?
I'M SURE THEY CAN.
LISTEN TO ME.
ALBANIAN TERRORISTS HAVE A STAGING AREA
FOR THEIR ATOMIC WORKSHOP. THAT'S WHY SHE'S FLEEING.
LISTEN TO THIS. JUST FOLLOW ME ON THIS.
WHAT IF IT WASN'T ALBANIA, OK?
LET'S SAY IT WAS ITALY.
I CAN GET MY HANDS ON A LOT
OF WALKING-AROUND CASH IF IT'S ITALY,
BECAUSE--LISTEN TO THIS CONCEPT--THE BOOT.
GIVE THEM THE BOOT.
WHAT IF A SHOE WAS THE FAD? A SHOE FAD.
THE LITTLE GIRL IS COMING TOWARD THE CAMERA,
AND IT'S HAND-HELD,
AND WHAT DOES SHE HAVE IN HER HANDS? A KITTEN.
YOU SEE, ALBANIA DOESN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
WE'RE LOCKED INTO ALBANIA.
WHY IS THAT? YOU KEEP SAYING THAT.
THE PRESIDENT'S GONNA GO TO WAR WITH ALBANIA
IN ABOUT 30 MINUTES.
WE'RE DECLARING WAR ON ALBANIA?
NO, WE'RE NOT DECLARING WAR.
WE'RE GOING TO WAR.
WE HAVEN'T DECLARED WAR SINCE THE SECOND WORLD WAR.
GOING TO WAR.
WE'RE GOING TO WAR.
GOING TO WAR. GOING TO WAR.
Newscaster: THIS LATE-BREAKING NEWS
JUST IN FROM AIR FORCE ONE.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
HAS SAID THAT HE APOLOGIZES FOR THE NEED FOR SECRECY,
AND HE ASSURES THAT IT IS NECESSARY
FOR THE SAFETY OF THE MEN AND WOMEN IN COMBAT.
HE SAYS THAT THE REPUBLIC OF ALBANIA,
LONG A STAGING GROUND FOR TERRORISM AROUND THE WORLD.
HE IS MENTIONING THAT A STATE OF WAR
IS OR IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN
BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES AND THE REPUBLIC OF ALBANIA.
HOW MANY KITTENS DO WE HAVE, GRACE?
THERE OUGHTA BE KITTENS A-PLENTY, STANLEY. I CALLED.
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE...
[CLAP CLAP CLAP]
LET'S GET STARTED.
OK.
HI.
HELLO. MY NAME IS STANLEY MOTSS.
I'LL BE YOUR PRODUCER THIS MORNING.
WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU DO DO, MISS--
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
TRACY LIME.
TRACY. STAND AGAINST THAT WALL,
AND ON MY SIGNAL-- ACTION--
I WANT YOU RUNNING TOWARD ME, SCREAMING.
CAN WE GET YOU ANYTHING?
I'M FINE.
HOW ABOUT A CUP OF TEA?
A LITTLE MILK, LOW FAT?
NO. YOU OK?
OK, FINE. LET'S JUST TRY ONE, OK?
WHY DON'T WE JUST TRY ONE?
IS THIS A NATIONAL? IS THAT THE CASE?
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF A...
IT'S A DIRECT BUY-OUT.
YEAH. HAVE YOUR AGENT-- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS, A MENAGERIE? I'M SO EXCITED.
I WANTED KITTENS. I CAN'T WAIT TO PUT THIS ON MY RáSUMá.
I JUST WANT KITTENS.
TRACY, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?
THIS IS A SPECIAL KIND OF SITUATION.
IT'S A FUNNY KIND OF SITUATION.
WELL, SIR, WE HAVE A SCHNAUZER
AND WHAT APPEARS TO BE A--
IT'S A LHASA APSO.
LHASA APSO?
IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN SIMPLER. KITTENS.
WHAT YOU GOT HERE IS BASICALLY A CROSS
BETWEEN A DOG
AND WHAT IS SUBSTANTIALLY A--
I DON'T WANT A CROSS. I JUST WANT KITTENS.
ABSOLUTELY, SIR. ABSOLUTELY.
THE PRESIDENT WOULD LIKE A KITTEN.
NO, I WANT A KITTEN.
WE'LL GET A KITTEN.
LET'S GET RID OF ALL THE DOGS
AND JUST KEEP THE KITTENS.
MISS. EXCUSE ME.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO HAVE YOU SIGN THIS...
LITTLE SHEET OF PAPER HERE.
WELL, MY AGENT WOULD BE REAL MIFFED WITH ME IF I--
Ames: WELL, THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR DEAL.
THIS IS YOUR... SECURITY CLEARANCE.
RIGHT THERE.
NICE SIGNATURE. THANK YOU, TRACY.
NICE MEETING YOU, TRACY.
THIS IS A NICE ONE.
NO, BUT THAT'S NOT A KITTEN. THAT'S A CAT.
THESE ARE KITTENS.
THEY JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS.
YES, BUT IT'S TOO CONFUSING,
AND THAT GUY KEEPS PUSHING
THE "LOPSO APSO."
LHASA APSO.
WE'LL DO IT OPTICALLY.
WE'RE GONNA DO IT DIGITALLY.
OK. LET'S TRY TO SHOOT ONE.
OK, UH, STACEY--
TRACY.
TRACY. I WANT YOU
TO STAND RIGHT OVER HERE, OK?
HERE YOU GO.
RIGHT THERE.
THESE ARE CHIPS.
HOLD THE BAG WHEN YOU RUN.
WE NEED IT FOR THE ARM POSITION.
ON THE SCREEN, IT'LL BE A KITTEN.
CAN I HOLD THE KITTEN?
NO. WE'LL PUNCH IT IN LATER. RIGHT THERE.
YOU'RE GONNA PUNCH THE KITTEN LATER?
YES.
WHY?
FOR A WIDER SET OF OPTIONS.
A WIDER OPTION OF WHAT?
OF KITTENS.
SIR, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,
WHEN THIS GOES NATIONAL,
I GET TO PUT IT ON MY RáSUMá?
ACTUALLY, NO.
BECAUSE, LIKE, WHAT IS IT,
A GUILD THING OR SOMETHING?
YOU CAN NEVER TELL ANYONE YOU DID THIS.
WELL, WHAT COULD THEY DO TO ME?
THEY'D COME HOME TO YOUR HOUSE AND KILL YOU.
Ames: THE PRESIDENT.
STOP THE MAKEUP. SHE'S BEEN RAPED BY TERRORISTS.
SHE'S NOT PALE ENOUGH.
JUMP OUT, PLEASE.
THEY'RE STARTING TO SHOOT NOW,
AND, UH, THEY'RE GONNA DO THE KITTEN THING OPTICALLY.
YES. THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO THE KITTEN OPTICALLY,
BUT THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
OH.
UH, SIR,
SHE'S NOT AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT, IS SHE?
COULD I SEE THE CONTRACT, PLEASE?
Motss: WHY IS IT SO FLAT?
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT CANNOT EMPLOY AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT.
LET ME SEE.
LET'S USE MORE SPRAY.
COVER UP.
LET'S KEEP WORKING, PEOPLE!
ARE WE GETTING THERE?!
Motss: OK, GOOD.
PUT THE--PUT THE VILLAGE BEHIND HER.
GIMME SOME FLAMES.
HOW ABOUT SOME SCREAMING?
Motss: SCREAMING'S GOOD.
SOME SOUND OF SCREAMING.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE GOOD IS OOH-AHH SOUNDS.
WHAT THE HELL IS OOH-AHH?
YOU KNOW. OOH-AHH, OOH-AHH. ANNE FRANK.
OH, OK. THAT'S GOOD, YEAH.
FIND US THE ANNE FRANK SIRENS.
OH, THAT'S CHILLING. THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GIVING ME GOOSE BUMPS.
FIND US THE OOH-AHHS.
Ames: HELLO.
UH-HUH.
[SIRENS BLARE]
YEAH. WE'RE GONNA BE BACK IN WASHINGTON WHEN?
WE'LL BE BACK TONIGHT.
TONIGHT IS...
[SIGHS]
IT SEEMS THAT SENATOR NEAL HAS DISCOVERED SOMETHING.
WELL, IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE ABOUT SENATOR NEAL.
I DON'T CARE WHAT SENATOR NEAL'S GOT.
WE GOT A WAR.
LOOK AT THAT GIRL.
DOESN'T SHE LOOK ALBANIAN?
SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE WAS BORN AND RAISED
IN ALBANIA.
Technician: MM-HMM.
I GOT AN INSTINCT FOR CASTING.
DON'T ASK ME WHY.
OK. WE'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN, SWEETIE.
WHAT'S HER NAME? STACEY?
Both: TRACY.
TRACY. ONE MORE TIME, TRACY.
YOU'RE DOING FINE. YOU'RE DOING FINE.
COULD SHE BE RUNNING ACROSS A BRIDGE?
SHE'S RUNNING ACROSS A BURNING BRIDGE.
THAT LOOKS GOOD.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
OF COURSE, WE'LL NEED SOME WATER.
OH, IS IT A STREAM?
NO, I THINK, UH...
A POND?
NO, I THINK, UH...
I THINK IT'S A CALICO KITTEN.
SHE'S RUNNING ACROSS WITH A KITTEN.
CAN WE HAVE A CALICO KITTEN?
PLEASE?
FLOYD, FLOYD, PUNCH IN A CALICO KITTEN.
I HAVE 19 SCREENS HERE.
I CAN'T SEE ONE CALICO KITTEN.
THE THINKING IS, AS OF THIS MOMENT,
A SMALL CALICO KITTEN, SIR.
CALICO KITTEN.
OK.
WE HAVE A SMALL CALICO KITTEN, SIR.
CALICO.
WHAT?
THE PRESIDENT WANTS A WHITE ONE.
HE--HE WANTS A WHITE ONE?
A WHITE-- LEMME TALK TO HIM.
HE'S MOBILIZING THE SIXTH FLEET.
Motss: CONNIE, CAN I PLEASE TALK TO HIM?
HE'S MOBILIZING THE SIXTH FLEET.
BOY, I HATE IT WHEN THEY START TO MEDDLE.
CAN WE HAVE A WHITE ONE, PLEASE?
HE WANTS A WHITE ONE.
THANK YOU.
Director: ARE WE READY YET?
HOW SOON DO YOU THINK WE'LL BE ABLE TO GET THIS CUT?
WE'RE GONNA BE DONE IN ABOUT 4 OR 5 HOURS.
OH. THAT'S GOOD.
WE CAN LEAK THAT TO THE PRESS,
THEY CAN DOWNLINK IT ON TEL STAR 401,
TRANSPORTER 21.
MAKES YOU GLAD YOU'VE LIVED THIS LONG.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
AND THIS JUST IN.
A NEWSBREAK SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE ALBANIAN FRONT.
WE'VE JUST RECEIVED INFORMATION
THAT THE YOUNG ALBANIAN NATIONAL
FLEEING IN THIS VIDEO
IS ATTEMPTING TO ESCAPE TERRORIST REPRISALS
IN HER VILLAGE.
[SCREAMS, SIRENS, AND GUNFIRE]
AMERICA HAS SELDOM WITNESSED
A MORE POIGNANT PICTURE OF THE HUMAN RACE
THAN THAT WHICH...
FANTASTIC.
THEY USED THE SAME PROCESS
WITH THE LAST SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE.
FANTASTIC.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING HOW THEY DO THAT?
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
CONRAD, THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
WAIT TILL WE GET THE SONG.
THEN YOU GOT THE SONG, THE IMAGE,
THE MERCHANDISING TIE-INS, YOU KNOW?
THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
WE WERE RIGHT. YOU'RE THE MAN.
Motss: AW, YOU'RE THE MAN.
TO THE BEGINNING.
OH, GOT YOUR CAR.
I HATE IT WHEN THEY SEND THESE LONG ONES.
DID YOU MAKE THE TURN OK?
NOT A PROBLEM.
I'M SORRY, CONRAD.
YOU THINK IT'S TOO OSTENTATIOUS?
JUST FINE. I'LL STRETCH OUT.
OK, GOOD. JUST MAKE DUE.
OK.
I'LL SEE YOU IN NASHVILLE.
Brean: GO WITH THE 2-TONE HAT.
WELL, I DON'T CARE. YOU WORK IT OUT.
YOU, YOU.
YOU MUST HAVE HAD SIMILAR SITUATIONS IN THE PAST.
THERE ARE UNCONFIRMED REPORTS AT THIS TIME
FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE
THAT THINGS ARE IN MOTION.
WHAT I'M HEARING-- AND THIS IS A QUOTE--
"THE PRESIDENT IS LOOKING FOR A SWIFT,
"PAINLESS, AND VICTORIOUS CONCLUSION TO THE WAR."
HOWEVER, THE SOURCE WILL NOT GO ON RECORD.
ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS
THIS COMES FROM THE HIGHEST LEVEL.
NEW YORK TIMES, WASHINGTON POST,
DETROIT REGISTER, SACRAMENTO BEE
ALL IN REMISSION.
NO MENTION OF THE FIREFLY GIRL, NONE.
10 DAYS TO GO.
BIG BIRD TOUCHES DOWN WHEN?
WE'RE BRINGING HIM IN TOMORROW AT 5 A.M.
ANYTHING AT THE AIRPORT?
THE PRESS THOUGHT NO. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HERE'S WHAT I THINK. IS IT GONNA RAIN?
CAN YOU GIVE ME THE WEATHER TOMORROW MORNING?
ANDREWS, 5 A.M.
A YOUNG ALBANIAN GIRL
DRESSED IN HER...WHATEVER.
NOW, IS THERE SOME FESTIVAL,
SOME HARVEST FESTIVAL,
AN ALBANIAN HARVEST FESTIVAL, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
RIGHT. GET ON THIS RIGHT AWAY.
FIND ME AN ALBANIAN HARVEST FESTIVAL.
THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING.
ANYWAY, SHE GIVES THEM THE SACRED WHATEVER IT IS,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
TELLING HIM THIS IS A SACRED TRADITIONAL OFFERING,
GIVEN TO THE MAN WHO TIES THE FIRST SHEAF,
THE LAST SHEAF, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHAT SHEAF?
THIS IS GOOD. IS SHE SAYING THIS IN ALBANIAN?
SHE'S SPEAKING IN ALBANIAN,
BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY WAY IT CAN BE UNDERSTOOD
BY HER SACRED AND SAINTED AND AGED MOTHER...
Man: OH, YEAH. WE'RE PICKING THEM UP NOW.
NOW THE OLD LADY STARTS TO SPEAK.
"YOU HAVE BROUGHT PEACE NOT ONLY TO THIS--"
NO, NO, THE CHILD SPEAKS.
A FACE OF INNOCENCE, NO CYNICISM.
THE CHILD SAYS, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
ARE YOU GETTING THIS? UH-HUH.
NOW THE OLD BROAD STARTS TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY.
BIG BIRD SHRUGS OFF HIS SECRET SERVICE,
GOES OVER TO HER,
COVERS HER WITH HIS OWN COAT, END OF STORY.
Ames: CAN YOU FIND OUT IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE
WE COULD GET SOME RAIN TOMORROW AT ANDREWS?
Brean: HOW IS BIG BIRD HOLDING UP, BY THE WAY?
OH, HE'S GOOD. HE DOES WANNA KNOW,
IF WE GET HIM BACK INTO OFFICE,
WHAT DOES YOUR FELLOW MOTSS WANT?
I DON'T KNOW. AMBASSADOR TO TOGO.
I DON'T KNOW.
NO RAIN TOMORROW AT ANDREWS,
BUT THEY DO HAVE RAIN TOMORROW AT BOCA RATON.
THEN DIRECT THE PLANE TO BOCA.
OK. CONNIE SAYS LET'S DIVERT THE PLANE TO BOCA.
[SIREN]
UH...CONNIE.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
CAN I HELP YOU?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WE'RE REALLY IN A RUSH HERE.
DO YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE?
I'M AFRAID THAT'S THE TROUBLE, MISS AMES.
MMM, CIA.
YUP, CIA.
[TRANSLATING IN SPANISH OVER TELEVISION]
Senator Neal: I HAVE THIS TO SAY...
...EVERY AMERICAN MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD...
WHAT AM I GONNA DO? EXPLAIN THAT TO ME.
I HAVE A 3-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER,
EVENTUALLY HEADED FOR ORTHODONTURE.
OH, GOD. NOW THAT THE CIA KNOWS,
I'M GONNA LOSE EVERYTHING: MY CAREER, MY REPUTATION.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
BRAZEN IT THROUGH.
OH. BRAZEN IT THROUGH.
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.
WE FOUND THEM AS SOON AS WE COULD, SIR.
ALL RIGHT.
AFTER I'M DONE WITH THEM,
WHAT DO THEY WANT ME TO DO?
LUG THEM BACK TO THE DISTRICT
OR DUMP THEM OUT IN THE COUNTRY,
LET THE FBI TRIP OVER THEM?
LEGAL DEPARTMENT SAYS, YOU PICK.
DEPENDS ON WHAT WE WANT TO DO WITH THEM.
THIS IS A NEWSBREAK SPECIAL REPORT
ON THE WAR IN ALBANIA.
WE'VE JUST RECEIVED MORE DETAILS
ON THE YOUNG ALBANIAN GIRL SEEN RUNNING FOR HER LIFE.
THE YOUNG GIRL IS TRYING TO ESCAPE
AFTER HEARING HER FAMILY WAS KILLED.
APPARENTLY, THERE WAS A FAMILY CONNECTION IN CANADA.
[SLAPS HANDS TOGETHER]
2 THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE:
THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN GOOD FLAN AND BAD FLAN,
AND THERE IS NO WAR. GUESS WHO I AM.
I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT
THAT I AM UNDER MEDICAL CARE
AND TAKING MEDICATION,
SIDE EFFECTS OF WHICH HAVE RENDERED ME--
QUITE TOUCHING.
WELL, I ALSO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO SUGGEST THAT, EQUALLY,
I ADMIT TO NOTHING,
AND I WOULD LIKE MY LAWYER PRESENT.
WE SHOW, AND NSA CONFIRMS,
THERE ARE NO NUCLEAR DEVICES ON THE CANADIAN BORDER.
THERE ARE NO NUCLEAR DEVICES IN ALBANIA.
ALBANIA HAS NO NUCLEAR CAPACITY.
OUR SPY SATELLITES
SHOW NO SECRET TERRORIST TRAINING CAMPS
IN THE ALBANIAN HINTERLAND.
THE BORDER PATROL, THE FBI, THE RCMP REPORT NO--
REPEAT--NO UNTOWARD ACTIVITY
ALONG OUR PICTURESQUE CANADIAN BORDER.
THE ALBANIAN GOVERNMENT IS SCREAMING ITS DEFENSE.
THE WORLD IS LISTENING.
THERE IS NO WAR.
OF COURSE THERE'S A WAR.
I'M WATCHING IT ON TELEVISION.
AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE,
WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE?
MY NAME IS CONRAD BREAN.
WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
NOBODY WHOSE NAME YOU WANT ME TO SAY,
MR. YOUNG, I PROMISE YOU.
HA HA. IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD,
BUT WHEN THE FIT HITS THE SHAN,
SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE TO STAY AFTER SCHOOL.
WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT MIGHT BE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THE SPY SATELLITES SHOW IT, MR. BREAN.
THEY SHOW NO WAR.
THEN WHAT GOOD ARE THEY IF THEY SHOW NO WAR?
WHAT ARE WE SPENDING
A QUARTER TRILLION DOLLARS A YEAR
ON OUR DEFENSE DEPARTMENT?
WHAT GOOD ARE THEY IF THEY SHOW NOTHING?
WHAT ARE THEY, USELESS,
OR ARE THEY JUST BROKEN?
UHHHH, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT FURTHER
THAT THESE MEDICATIONS TAKEN IN CONJUNCTION--
IF THERE'S NO THREAT, THEN WHERE ARE YOU?
LET ME GO YOU ONE MORE.
IF THERE'S NO THREAT, WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?
MR. BREAN YOU ARE THE THREAT.
I'M THE THREAT?
WELL, WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING THE LAST 30 YEARS
THAT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING?
YOU WANT TO FILL ME IN ON THAT?
THE LAST 30 YEARS, MR. BREAN,
I HAVE BEEN WORKING TO ENSURE THE SECURITY OF MY COUNTRY.
WELL, I'M SURE THAT SPEAKS WELL AS HAVE WE ALL.
OF YOU AND YOUR PARENTS, THE SECURITY OF THIS COUNTRY--
BUT IF FORCED TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN THE SECURITY OF YOUR COUNTRY
AND THE SECURITY OF YOUR JOB, WHICH WOULD YOU PICK?
AND WHILE YOU HESITATE, PERMIT ME TO SUGGEST
THAT THEY ARE ONE IN THE SAME,
YOUR COUNTRY AND YOUR JOB.
I'M DOING MY JOB, MR. BREAN.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SEE ME DOING.
I'M DOING MY JOB, TOO...
THE CONSTANT STRESS THAT I AM UNDER...
AND LET ME ASK YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION.
WHY DO PEOPLE GO TO WAR?
I'LL PLAY YOUR SILLY GAME.
OK. WHY DO THEY GO TO WAR?
TO ENSURE THEIR WAY OF LIFE.
WOULD YOU GO TO WAR TO DO THAT?
I HAVE.
AND IF YOU WENT TO WAR AGAIN,
WHO WOULD IT BE AGAINST, HUH?
YOUR ABILITY TO FIGHT
A 2-OCEAN WAR AGAINST WHO?
SWEDEN AND TOGO?
THAT TIME HAS PASSED. IT'S OVER.
THE WAR OF THE FUTURE IS NUCLEAR TERRORISM.
IT IS, AND IT'LL BE
AGAINST A SMALL GROUP OF DISSIDENTS WHO,
UNBEKNOWNST PERHAPS TO THEIR OWN GOVERNMENTS,
HAVE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AND TO GO TO THAT WAR, YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED.
YOU GOTTA BE ALERT.
THE PUBLIC HAS GOTTA BE ALERT,
BECAUSE THAT IS THE WAR OF THE FUTURE,
AND IF YOU'RE NOT GEARING UP TO FIGHT THAT WAR,
THEN EVENTUALLY THE AX WILL FALL,
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE OUT IN THE STREET,
AND YOU CAN CALL THIS A DRILL,
YOU CAN CALL THIS JOB SECURITY,
YOU CAN CALL IT ANYTHING YOU LIKE,
BUT I GOT ONE FOR YOU.
YOU SAID GO TO WAR TO PRESERVE YOUR WAY OF LIFE?
WELL, CHUCK, THIS IS YOUR WAY OF LIFE.
AND IF YOUR SPY SATELLITES DON'T SEE NOTHING,
IF THERE AIN'T NO WAR,
THEN YOU CAN GO HOME
AND PREMATURELY TAKE UP GOLF, MY FRIEND,
'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO WAR BUT OURS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
DRIVE CAREFULLY.
THANK YOU. BYE-BYE.
THANK YOU.
NICE ENOUGH PEOPLE.
THEY JUST HADN'T THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
NO, YOU TALKED US OUT OF THERE RIGHT EASY.
NO. WE JUST GOT DELAYED. WE'RE ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO NASHVILLE. WHAT?
I SAID YOU COULD TALK A DOG OFF A MEAT TRUCK.
OH, THANK YOU.
NO, WE JUST GOT STUCK. IT'S OK.
ALL SYSTEMS FIVE-BY-FIVE. SEE YOU IN NASHVILLE. YEAH.
CONNIE, YOU KNOW, YOU SAVED OUR BACON.
IT WAS JUST A...
A PHENOMENAL PERFORMANCE.
AW, YOU KNOW--
NO, BUT YOU TURNED THEM AROUND.
YOU TURNED THEM AROUND LIKE A--
WELL, THEY JUST HADN'T THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
OH.
Television reporter: HE'S MOVING ACROSS THE TARMAC.
BUT IT APPEARS SOMETHING
HAS DISTRACTED THE PRESIDENT,
AND HE HAS STOPPED MOVING
TOWARD THE WAITING MOTORCADE.
IT APPEARS THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL
TRYING TO SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT.
IT SEEMS SHE'S SPEAKING IN--
IS IT ALBANIAN?
COULD WE GET SOMEONE UP THERE TO TRANSLATE?
[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]
Second reporter: DAN, I THINK WHAT SHE IS SAYING
IS THAT THIS WHEAT OFFERING IS SORT OF CEREMONIAL.
AND THAT IT IS THE FIRST SHEAF,
THE FIRST CUT OF THE HARVEST.
I'M NOT PROFICIENT IN ALBANIAN,
BUT THE OLD WOMAN IS QUITE TAKEN
AS THE PRESIDENT IS OFFERING HER THE COAT.
IT IS QUITE AN EMOTIONAL MOMENT HERE.
OH!
Female singer: * THERE COMES A TIME *
* IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS *
Male singer: * WHEN A PRAYER *
* MUST BE ANSWERED *
* WITH COURAGE AND STRENGTH *
* OUR FOREFATHERS EARNED *
* THE RIGHT TO BE FREE *
* NOW IT'S TIME *
* TO GUARD THEIR DREAM *
* WE GUARD *
* OUR AMERICAN BORDERS *
* WE GUARD *
* THE AMERICAN DREAM *
* WE GUARD OUR RIGHT *
* TO FIGHT FOR DEMOCRACY *
* OH, DEMOCRACY *
* AND KEEP OUR COUNTRY FREE *
* FREE *
* WE GUARD *
* OUR AMERICAN SPIRIT *
* WE GUARD *
* THE AMERICAN DREAM *
* OOH *
* HEY, HEY, HEY *
* YEAH, YEAH *
* OOH, OOH *
* OUR COUNTRY'S BUILT *
* ON THE ROCK OF LIBERTY *
* AND WE, AS PEOPLE *
* MUST KEEP IT FREE *
* IT IS FOR LIFE *
* LIBERTY *
* THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS *
* FREEDOM, 'TIS OF THEE *
* YEAH *
* WE GUARD *
* OUR AMERICAN BORDERS *
* WE GUARD *
* THE AMERICAN DREAM *
I LOVED THE FAT, WET ALBANIAN BROAD.
OH, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW WHY? IT WAS UNDERSTATED.
SO YOU GOT LUCKY WITH THE RAIN, TOO.
WELL, WE HAD TO DIVERT THE PLANE TO BOCA RATON.
OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE COME TO ME.
WE HAVE RAIN MACHINES.
I'M A PRODUCER. I MAKE RAIN.
Brean: NEXT TIME.
Senator Neal: I HAVE JUST GOTTEN WORD
THAT THE SITUATION IN ALBANIA IS RESOLVED,
THAT IT IS RESOLVED.
THE CIA CONFIRMS
THAT OUR TROOPS ALONG THE CANADIAN BORDER
AND OVERSEAS ARE STANDING DOWN.
AND I MUST TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO CALL UPON OUR PRESIDENT...
WHAT DOES HE MEAN,
THE SITUATION HAS BEEN RESOLVED?
HE JUST ENDED THE WAR.
HE ENDED THE WAR?
WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT?
I THINK THE CIA JUST CUT A BETTER DEAL.
HE ENDED THE WAR?
Neal: THE INNOCENCE OF A CHILD...
I CAN'T-- HE CAN'T END THE WAR.
HE'S NOT PRODUCING THIS.
Singers: * WE GUARD... *
THIS IS IN BAD TASTE. CAN WE STOP THIS?
* OUR AMERICAN BORDERS *
* WE GUARD... *
Brean: STOP. IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER.
OK.
CAN WE STOP THIS? CAN WE STOP THIS?
Motss: STOP THE CHOIR.
WHAT?
IT HAS BEEN QUITE A WEEK, RICHARD.
I CAN'T REMEMBER
WHEN ANY PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
WAS HIT WITH THE FLU, A WAR,
AND ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT
BY A TEENAGE GIRL
ALL IN THE SAME 7-DAY PERIOD.
THIS, OR COURSE,
ONLY DAYS BEFORE HE RUNS FOR REELECTION.
Male reporter: WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED INFORMATION
FROM SOURCES AT THE CIA
THAT CONFIRMS THE CESSATION OF HOSTILITIES...
THE CIA.
UH, YOU KNOW, I--CIA.
CIA. CIA.
I THOUGHT THEY LET US OUT OF THERE TOO EASILY.
THE WAR'S OVER, GUYS. Motss: NO.
IT'S OVER. I SAW IT ON TELEVISION.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SELL MY HOUSE.
THE WAR'S NOT OVER.
NO, THE WAR ISN'T OVER.
Brean: I SAW IT ON TV.
NO. THAT'S WHAT YOU HIRED ME FOR.
NO, THE WAR ISN'T OVER
UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER, OK? THIS IS MY PICTURE.
THIS IS NOT THE CIA's PICTURE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE IN A TIGHT SPOT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, CONRAD, TRY MAKING
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE--
TELL HIM, KING.
THREE OF THE HORSEMEN DIED.
HEAR WHAT HE'S SAYING?
THREE OF THE HORSEMEN DIED
2 WEEKS BEFORE THE END OF PRINCIPAL PHOTOGRAPHY.
THIS IS NOTHING. THIS IS NOTHING.
THIS IS JUST ACT ONE, "THE WAR."
NOW WE REALLY DO NEED AN ACT TWO,
SO WE WORK.
ACT TWO.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?
THE JAPANESE. IN THE CAVES.
GO ON. OKINAWA.
GO ON.
THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE THE WAR WAS OVER.
THAT'S RIGHT, SO NOW WE HAVE A GUY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE--
NO, NO, NO. WE HAVE AN AMERICAN SERVICEMAN.
A BRAVE AMERICAN SERVICEMAN
IS LEFT BEHIND.
A HERO.
OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
WE HAD A WAR. WE FORGOT THE HERO.
YOU CAN'T HAVE A WAR AND NOT HAVE A HERO.
IT'S LIKE WE SENT HIM A CHRISTMAS CARD
AND LEFT OUT THE WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
FRUITCAKE.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S WORK, OK?
WE GOT A GUY WHO'S LEFT BEHIND,
SO, UH--OH, THIS IS TERRIFIC.
OH, THIS IS LUCKY THIS HAPPENED.
HE WAS LEFT BEHIND.
HE WAS JUST DISCARDED LIKE A--LIKE A--
LIKE AN OLD SHOE.
OH, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT'S GOOD? WHAT DID I SAY?
SHOE. OLD SHOE?
IT'S JUST INSTINCT.
CONRAD, I WANT YOU TO GET ME THE PENTAGON,
A LIST OF PEOPLE IN ALL MILITARY SPECIAL PROGRAMS.
"LEFT BEHIND LIKE AN OLD SHOE." THAT IS GOOD.
OK, I WANT TO TALK TO JOHNNY BEYOND THE GLASS.
JOHNNY!
YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
THE WAR IS OVER, OK?
NOW WE'RE GOING TO NEED A NEW SONG.
I THINK IT SHOULD BE A SONG ABOUT A SHOE, A SHINY SHOE,
A--A--A BLACK PATENT SHOE,
A GOOD OLD--A GOOD OLD SHOE.
I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO GET DRUNK.
YES, YOU GET DRUNK, JOHN,
BUT I NEED A NEW SONG, OK?
A GOOD OLD SHOE SONG.
IT SHOULD BE A BALLAD OF LOSS
AND, UH--AND, UH-- YOU WANT TO HELP ME?
King: REDEMPTION.
LOSS AND REDEMPTION IS VERY, VERY GOOD.
OH, SHIT. WHAT KEY DO YOU WANT IT IN?
NO, I DON'T KNOW KEYS.
JOHNNY, I GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE
WHO ARE A LITTLE DEPRESSED
BECAUSE THE WAR JUST ENDED.
PLEASE GIVE ME A NEW SONG.
ALL RIGHT. I GOT HIM ON THE PHONE.
KING, PENTAGON.
TAKE IT.
I NEED A LIST OF MILITARY SPECIAL PROGRAMS. PROGRAMS!
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH, ALL RIGHT?
THEY DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'RE PLAYING WITH.
SEE, THAT'S--THEY DON'T SHUT DOWN OUR PICTURE.
YOU PEOPLE GONNA BE LONG?
OTHERWISE, I'LL PUT AWAY THE EQUIPMENT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A SONG.
WRITING A SONG?
WHAT KIND OF SONG YOU WRITING?
IS THERE ANYBODY THERE NAMED, UH...
SCHU...SCHUMANN?
SCHUSTER?
Motss: SCHUMACHER.
I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
JOHNNY. JOHNNY, GREAT IDEA.
OLD SHOE, NEW SHOE, OK?
* DADDY HAD A HOUND DOG *
[STRUMS GUITAR]
* USED TO CALL HIM BLUE *
[TAPPING FOOT]
* FOLLOW ME 'ROUND *
* STICK TO ME LIKE GLUE *
* HIS FAVORITE THING TO PLAY WITH *
* USED TO BE A GOOD OL' SHOE *
WAIT A MINUTE. USED TO BE.
SEE, YOU HIT THAT 16-16.
* WELL, I WISH I HAD A WOMAN *
* WHO WAS HALF AS GOOD AND TRUE *
* HEY, THEY KEEP... *
Fad King: ANYBODY HERE KNOW MORSE CODE?
WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH MORSE CODE?
Motss: GIVE ME THE FAX.
SERGEANT WILLIAM SCHUMANN, U.S. ARMY,
SERIAL NUMBER 2131284262.
* GOOD OL' SHOE *
HERE'S THE DEAL. HERE'S THE DEAL...
* GOOD OL' SHOE *
* WHATEVER YOU WALK IN *
* HE WILL GET YOU THROUGH *
HE'S, UH, IN A SWEATER,
AND HE'S, UH--
WE DROP HIM BEHIND ENEMY LINES,
AND...
HE'S TRAPPED.
IN THE SWEATER.
GOOD.
IS THERE A WAY WE CAN MAKE IT
SOUND OLD AND SCRATCHY,
WITH, LIKE, A HISS?
* GOOD OL' SHOE, GOOD OL' SHOE *
WITH AN OLD LABEL.
I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS.
* OLD SHOE *
* HEY, GOOD OL' SHOE *
* GOOD OL' SHOE *
* STAND UP STRAIGHT AND TALL *
* THE WAY HE TAUGHT YOU TO *
I'LL WRITE A SPEECH.
I'LL HELP YOU WITH THE SPEECH.
PRESIDENT REVEALS THAT WILLIAM SCHUMANN...
* GOOD OL' SHOE *
WAS TRAPPED BEHIND ENEMY LINES.
THIS IS...GOOD.
MMM. HEARTFELT.
TOUCHING.
AH. PEOPLE WILL WEEP.
* SOUL OF A GOOD OL' SHOE *
* HE MIGHT EVEN GET TO HEAVEN *
* ON THE SOUL OF HIS GOOD OL' *
* SHOE *
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH.
PUT THIS IN THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS RIGHT AWAY.
FOLK MUSIC SECTION, 1930.
RIGHT AWAY, PLEASE.
GET IT IN THE STACKS OF THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS NOW.
OH, GOD.
WHO'S SEEING THE GUY FROM CBS TONIGHT?
TONIGHT, YOU REMEMBER SOME SONG
FROM THE FOLK SONG DAYS,
SOMETHING ABOUT A GOOD OLD SHOE.
Woman: TONIGHT?
TONIGHT. YOU'RE WITH HIM TONIGHT,
WATCHING THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH--
WHAT IF HE'S BUSY TONIGHT?
WELL, LURE HIM.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
I DON'T HAVE TO BE YOUR CONFESSOR, DARLING.
TELL HIM YOU'VE GOT SOME INFO
ON THE PRESIDENT'S SEX SCANDAL,
IT'S ON YOUR CONSCIENCE.
BELIEVE ME, HE'LL DROP WHATEVER HE'S DOING, OK?
NOW, FOLKS, FOLKS, THIS IS A SHITTY BUSINESS,
AND IT NEEDS NO "GHOST COME FROM THE GRAVE"
TO TELL US THAT,
BUT, LORD WILLING AND JESUS TARRIES,
8 DAYS FROM NOW,
I'M GONNA BE TAKING YOU FOLKS
INTO THE SECOND TERM.
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THE SPEECH TONIGHT.
THE 3-0-3 SPEECH. GREAT.
WHERE'S THAT FAD KING, BY THE WAY?
OH, I'LL GET HIM.
COULD WE GO NOW, PLEASE, PEOPLE?
A GOOD PLAN TODAY IS BETTER
THAN A PERFECT PLAN TOMORROW.
CONRAD, HOW ARE THEY DOING ON SERGEANT SCHUMANN?
THEY'RE WORKING ON HIM, THEY'RE FINDING HIM.
GOOD. IT'S WORKING. IT'S WORKING. IT'S WORKING.
IT'S ALL HAPPENING, PEOPLE.
IT'S TAKING PLACE AROUND US, OK?
PEOPLE, IT IS IN THE WORKS.
IT IS BEING ADDRESSED. WE ARE BEING PROACTIVE.
WE ARE GOING OUT TONIGHT
WITH WHAT MAY BE THE FINEST EXAMP--
OK, OK. WINIFRED, WINIFRED.
YEAH?
GET ME AN UPDATE ON THE ARMY, THE PENTAGON.
GET THIS GUY SCHUMANN AND PUT HIM ON HOLD, OK?
HAVE HIM STANDING BY.
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I SEE A LOT OF GLUM, GLUM FACES NOW.
PLEASE DON'T BE DISCONSOLATE.
THIS IS-- THIS IS POLITICS
AT ITS FINEST.
THIS IS WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD,
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,
WE'VE GOT A LEADER GOING OUT TONIGHT
TO 95 MILLION AMERICAN HOMES.
HE'S GONNA TURN THIS THING AROUND.
YOU THINK THIS IS TOUGH?
I WAS 4 MONTHS INTO PRODUCTION
ON THE SONG OF SOLOMON,
FOUND OUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHTS.
Ames: HEY, TURN IT UP. IT'S OUR SPOT.
OH, ALL RIGHT. JUST PUT HIM ON.
TOUGH? THIS IS NOTHING.
THIS--WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...SHIT?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T CHANGE HORSES IN MIDSTREAM.
YEAH, HI. HELLO, SIR.
Woman on television: DON'T CHANGE HORSES.
THIS SPEECH IS VERY GOOD.
WE'RE KINDA LOCKED INTO IT, MR. PRESIDENT.
Announcer: FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR FAMILIES...
AND THE MUSIC.
WHERE DID THEY GET THAT?
OK. ALL RIGHT. YES.
PAIN IN THE ASS.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
HE WON'T DO IT.
HE WON'T DO THE SPEECH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE WON'T DO IT?
HE WON'T DO THE SPEECH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT CHOICE DOES HE HAVE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE WON'T DO THE SPEECH?
HE WON'T DO OUR SPEECH?
HE SAYS IT'S CORNY.
IT'S WHAT? IT'S CORNY?
CORNY? OF COURSE IT'S CORNY.
WE WOULDN'T HAVE HIM SAY THE FLIPPIN' THING
IF IT WASN'T CORNY.
LOOK, NO, IT'S NOT A QUESTION.
THIS IS THE CENTER FOR THE WHOLE REST OF THE THING.
DON'T TELL ME IT'S CORNY.
WE'RE LOCKED INTO THE SPEECH, RIGHT?
WE'RE LOCKED IN.
WE ARE PLAYING WAY PAST THIS.
WE ARE PAST THIS. OK...
CORNY. THIS IS WHAT I NEED.
I WANT YOU TO GET ME 30 SECRETARIES,
AND YOU PUT THEM IN AN OFFICE NOW.
OK? WOULD YOU?
JUST TELL HIM I'M COMING UP.
I NEED TO SEE THE PRESIDENT.
I NEED 5 MINUTES OF HIS TIME.
SPEECH IS CORNY. KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF?
YEARS AGO WHEN I FIRST WENT OUT TO HOLLYWOOD,
THEY SAID TO ME, "IT'S TOO THEATRICAL."
THEY KNEW I WAS FROM THE THEATER,
SO EVERYTHING WAS OVER THEIR HEADS.
"IT'S TOO THEATRICAL."
HE THINKS IT'S TOO CORNY, NOW.
OH, DON'T TELL ME THE SPEECH IS CORNY.
JUST TELL HIM I'M COMIN' UP.
Motss: MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I THANK A MERCIFUL GOD,
AND I AM SURE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US
WILL THANK THAT SUPREME POWER,
WHATEVER WE CONCEIVE THAT POWER TO BE,
THAT PEACE IS AT HAND.
THE THREAT OF NUCLEAR TERRORISM HAS BEEN QUELLED.
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M USING A LITTLE MORE PROJECTION
BECAUSE I THINK THIS SPEECH NEEDS A LITTLE UMPH.
BEAR WITH ME.
[SNIFFLING]
BEAUTIFUL.
Secretary: THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIR.
[SOBBING]
THAT WAS SO MOVING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU KNOW, CONNIE, I FELT VERY MUCH AT HOME IN THERE.
SIMPLE QUIRK OF FATE. I COULD HAVE GONE THIS WAY.
IT'S ALL A CHANGE IN WARDROBE.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? WAS IT TOO MUCH?
I'LL TELL YOU, STANLEY. YOU DID IT.
YEAH.
YOU DID IT. YOU JUMPED IN THERE
AND SAVED THE THING WHEN THE THING NEEDED SAVING.
YOU DON'T THINK IT WAS TOO MUCH?
PERSONALLY? MAYBE...IT WAS.
THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T HAVE TO SAY IT THAT WAY.
Brean: IT'S LIKE PLATO ONCE SAID.
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW THE FUCK YOU GET THERE
AS LONG AS YOU GET THERE.
HE SAID THAT?
CONNIE, WHAT IS IT EXACTLY YOU DO FOR THE PRESIDENT?
President: MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I THANK A MERCIFUL GOD,
AND I'M SURE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US
WILL THANK THAT SUPREME POWER,
WHATEVER WE CONCEIVE THAT POWER TO BE,
THAT PEACE IS AT HAND.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THE THREAT OF NUCLEAR TERRORISM WAS BEEN QUELLED.
WE ARE IN CONTACT WITH THE ALBANIAN PREMIER
WHO ASSURES ME--
AND THIS GOVERNMENT CREDITS HIS ASSURANCES--
THAT HIS COUNTRY DOES NOT WISH US ILL...
Liz: KNOW ANY LATIN?
I, CLAUDIUS. THAT'S WHAT I KNOW.
I NEED A LATIN MOTTO FOR THE PATCH.
THE 303 PATCH.
...BUT BY A DESIGNATION NUMBER, 303.
A MEMBER OF THAT GROUP WAS LEFT BEHIND
WHAT WERE THEN ENEMY LINES,
AND I CAN ONLY SAY TO THOSE FAMILY MEMBERS OF GROUP 303,
WHOSE MEMBERS ARE, I KNOW AS I SPEAK,
GATHERING TO COMFORT YOU.
TO THE PARENTS OF THE MISSING MAN,
I CAN ONLY SAY, NO EFFORT WILL BE SPARED
TO FIND THIS BRAVE MAN AND BRING HIM HOME.
WE'VE JUST RECEIVED THIS PHOTOGRAPH
OF SCHUMANN IN CAPTIVITY,
HELD BY A DISSIDENT GROUP OF ALBANIAN TERRORISTS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH MORSE CODE,
BUT COULD YOU BRING THE CAMERA CLOSER IN HERE, PLEASE?
YOU'LL SEE HIS SWEATER IS WORN.
IT HAS BEEN UNRAVELED IN PLACES
AND THOSE PLACES FORM DASHES AND DOTS,
AND THOSE DOTS SPELL OUT A MESSAGE IN THE MORSE CODE.
AND THAT MESSAGE IS, "COURAGE, MOM."
HE GOT THE MESSAGE THROUGH.
"COURAGE, MOM."
NOT BAD FOR GOVERNMENT WORK.
HAVING A GOOD TIME?
HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH FUN SINCE LIVE TV.
TO THE MEN AND WOMEN OF UNIT 303,
TO MY FELLOW CITIZENS, I SAY, "COURAGE, MOM."
I HAVE INFORMED THE ALBANIAN GOVERNMENT
THAT WE WILL NOT REST
UNTIL THE SAFE RETURN OF SERGEANT SCHUMANN.
I'M TOLD HIS UNIT MATES GAVE HIM THE NICKNAME, "OLD SHOE."
WASN'T THERE AN FOLK SONG CALLED "OLD SHOE?"
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? SOMETHING LIKE...
I DON'T KNOW. I CAN VAGUELY REMEMBER IT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? OLD SHOE?
President: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.
TRUMP THAT, SENATOR NEAL,
YOU HOWDY-DOODY- LOOKING VONTZ.
AS WE REPORTED EARLIER, U.S. SERVICEMAN WILLIE SCHUMANN
REMAINS MISSING BEHIND ENEMY LINES...
IT'S ALL THINKING AHEAD.
THAT'S WHAT PRODUCING IS.
IT'S LIKE BEING A PLUMBER.
YES. LIKE BEING A PLUMBER.
DO YOUR JOB RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD NOTICE.
BUT WHEN YOU FUCK UP,
EVERYTHING GETS FULL OF SHIT.
...SYMBOL OF THE ELITE MILITARY TEAM,
SERGEANT WILLIAM SCHUMANN, THE "OLD SHOE."
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE LINE UP THE PRESIDENT
FOR THE PEACE PRIZE?
OUR JOB ENDS ON ELECTION DAY.
OH, YES, BUT COME ON.
JUST FOR THE SYMMETRY OF THE THING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
IF KISSINGER CAN WIN THE PEACE PRIZE,
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED TO WAKE UP AND FIND OUT
I'D WON THE PREAKNESS.
YES, BUT OUR GUY DID BRING PEACE.
YEAH, BUT THERE WASN'T A WAR.
ALL THE GREATER ACCOMPLISHMENT.
WHERE'S THE, UH, WHERE'S THE MONEY--
WHERE'S THE TIE-IN WITH THE THROWING AWAY OF OLD SHOES?
WHO STEPS UP AND PAYS YOU FOR THAT?
YOU THROW AWAY OLD SHOES. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
BUY NEW ONES.
WE HAVE SOME VERY POWERFUL NEW FRIENDS
IN THE INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF SHOE MANUFACTURERS.
YOU GUYS SURE GET AROUND.
FAD KING IS MY HERO. WANT TO GO FIRST?
SURE.
ATTA-BOY.
HISTORY, CONNIE.
THOSE ARE RATTY SHOES.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE FLINGING THEM AWAY.
YOU WANT TO TRY SOME? GO AHEAD.
ATTA-BOY.
HERE, DO IT AGAIN.
GO AHEAD. HAVE A BALL.
OK, WATCH THIS. YAAH!
HA HA HA! GO ON, TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
DJ on radio: WELL, THIS IS INTERESTING.
I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED THIS. SOMETHING JUST DISCOVERED.
A 1930s RECORDING, PART OF THE FOLK SONG COLLECTION
OF THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS,
AND A FITTING SONG, IF I MAY SAY SO, ABOUT SHOE.
SCHUMANN IS THE MILITARY SOLDIER
WHO'S BEEN LEFT BEHIND ENEMY LINES...
* I WISHED I HAD A WOMAN *
Reporter: JIM, CAN I GET A WORD WITH YOU?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMMENT ON THE SITUATION IN ALBANIA?
YES, THERE IS ONE THING I'D LIKE TO SAY.
THIS IS TO THE ALBANIANS
THAT HAVE THIS MAN IN CUSTODY.
I MEAN THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
AS ONE OF YOUR RACE.
[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]
I DIDN'T KNOW JIM BELUSHI WAS ALBANIAN.
* JUST LIKE THAT GOOD OL' SHOE *
HEY.
Reporter: AND THE SEARCH FOR WILLIE SCHUMANN CONTINUES...
* GOOD OL' SHOE *
* WHATEVER ROAD YOU'RE WALKIN' *
* HE WILL GET YOU THROUGH *
* GOOD OL' SHOE *
* STAND UP STRAIGHT AND PROUD *
* THE WAY HE TAUGHT YOU TO *
* AND YOU MIGHT EVEN GET TO HEAVEN *
* WITH A SOUL LIKE THAT *
* GOOD OL' SHOE *
AS SOON AS WE LAND, I WANT A REFLEXOLOGIST.
MALE OR FEMALE?
THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT
THE CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
FOR SCHUMANN.
WAIT A MINUTE. WE GOT 86% IN FAVOR.
WE BRING HIM BACK TOMORROW. CHARTS DON'T GO DOWN.
I DON'T WANT TO TELL THEM HOW TO DO THEIR BUSINESS,
BUT WHY DON'T THEY DO IT AFTER THE ELECTION?
MAKES MORE SENSE, AND IT'LL HELP HIM MORE.
WHEN ARE YOU BRINGING HIM BACK?
KING, SHOW HIM THE THING.
IT'S NOT DONE YET.
SHOW IT TO HIM.
TALK ABOUT ENLARGING THE MARKET. TELL HIM.
SHOW HIM.
HERE IT IS. ARTIST'S RENDERING OF THE MEMORIAL.
Brean: THE MEMORIAL?
THAT'S THE MEMORIAL OF THE FALLEN.
OF THE ALBANIAN CAMPAIGN.
LOVELY.
IT'S BETTER THAN LOVELY.
THIS GUY MADE A DEAL WITH GOVERNOR KNEEHIGH--
SENATOR LEAHY.
YOU OUGHT TO SEE HOW MUCH GRANITE
YOU HAVE TO PUT IN THIS THING.
GOT A SITE PICKED OUT AND EVERYTHING.
AND THE BEAUTY PART IS,
GUESS WHO RETAINS THE MERCHANDISING RIGHTS?
SHOW HIM THE CLOCK?
LOOK AT THIS. GOT IT AS A CLOCK.
LOVELY, LOVELY.
WE GOTTA GET GOING.
WHEN'S SCHUMANN COMING BACK?
GETTING HIM RIGHT NOW.
I NEED HIS NECK SIZE.
YOU'RE GONNA GET HIS NECK SIZE.
I THINK IT'S 17 1/2.
Liz: THINKING IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I'M AN ARTIST, NOT A FACTORY WORKER.
WHAT DID HE EAT BEHIND ENEMY LINES?
BIRDS, SNAKES.
BULLSHIT. HE ATE TINY CHEESEBURGERS IN TIN FOIL.
PULL A STRING, THEY HEAT THEMSELVES.
WE CALL BURGER KING, JOHNNY ROCKETS.
WE GET THE SHOE BURGER WITH CHEESE AND 303 SAUCE,
"BEHIND ENEMY LINES OR ANYTIME."
GOOD, GOOD.
THAT'S THE SLOGAN.
AND I GOT THE COPYRIGHT ON THE ALBANIAN KITTEN THING,
AND I'M GONNA CALL NIKE,
GET RODMAN TO DYE HIS HAIR A LEOPARD SKIN COLOR.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A SNEAKER-- "AIR LEOPARD."
TV reporter: ...A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME LAST NIGHT
BETWEEN MONTGOMERY BELL AND BLAIR PARK.
STUDENTS, DURING THE GAME
IN SPONTANEOUS MOMENT OF SHEER PATRIOTISM,
THREW THEIR TENNIS SHOES ON THE COURT BY THE HUNDREDS.
JUST FOR THE OLD SHOE.
BRING HIM BACK. WILLIAM SCHUMANN...
THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE IT, HUH?
TV: DEMONSTRATIONS ARE POPPING UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
AS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE CONTINUE TO SHOW THEIR PATRIOTISM.
YOU OUGHT TO GET THEM
TO RUN THAT INAUGURAL SPEECH BY ME.
INAUGURAL SPEECH? I DON'T KNOW.
THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF WON'T GIVE UP THAT ONE.
COME ON, CONNIE.
LET ME CLOSE OUT THE THING IN STYLE.
I'VE COME TO FEEL IT'S MY THING.
YOU TAKE A JOB, YOU TAKE A JOB,
AND MANY TIMES, IT'S JUST A JOB,
AND THEN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HELL OF A RIDE, STANLEY.
ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?
YOU TAKE THE BITTER WITH THE SWEET
OR THE SWEET WITH THE BITTER.
WHAT'S THAT EXPRESSION?
Man in commercial: ...FEELING GOOD ABOUT THE ECONOMY.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE VOTING FOR THE PRESIDENT, ED.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, BOB, MY MIND WASN'T 100% MADE UP,
BUT NOW IT IS.
I SAY, DON'T GO CHANGING HORSES IN MIDSTREAM.
ABSOLUTELY.
WHO NEEDS SURPRISES THESE DAYS?
Announcer: FOR AN ECONOMY YOU CAN RELY ON...
FUCKING AMATEURS.
PITY OF IT IS, 2 MORE DAYS, AND WE BRING IT ALL BACK HOME.
KNOCK WOOD.
AND WHO'S GONNA KNOW?
WHO'S GONNA KNOW WHAT WE DID?
WHO'S GONNA KNOW?
PRIDE OF A JOB WELL DONE, STAN.
YES, IT'S THE PRIDE OF A JOB WELL DONE,
BUT IT'S MORE THAN THAT, STANLEY.
IT'S THE GRATITUDE OF YOUR PARTY
AND YOUR PRESIDENT, RIGHT?
IS THAT THE THING?
INDEED, IT IS.
YEAH. DEAN CITY, OKLAHOMA.
ARMY SPECIAL PROGRAMS.
TELL 'EM TO BRING SCHUMANN TO THE PLANE.
WE'LL BRING HIM BACK AND STASH HIM IN THE HOSPITAL.
CALL THE PLANE, TELL ME WHERE TO PICK HIM UP.
I BET YOU'RE GOOD AT CHESS, CONNIE.
I WOULD BE, I COULD REMEMBER HOW ALL THE PIECES MOVE.
YEAH. OK, SO WE'LL CALL YOU.
Merle Haggard: * I'LL DO THE SAME IN HIS GREAT NAME *
* IF YOU HAVE COURAGE, MOM *
* I CAN ALWAYS FEEL YOUR LOVE *
* SEND AND I'LL RECEIVE *
UNITS OF 303, THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT
CONFIRMED EARLY THIS MORNING ALBANIAN TIME,
STORMED THE MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY NEAR THE CITY OF BLAH BLAH BLAH,
FREEING A TIRED BUT HAPPY WILLIAM SCHUMANN.
A HIGH WHITE HOUSE SOURCE CONFIRMS
THAT HE'S EXPECTED IN WASHINGTON TOMORROW MORNING.
HOW'S THAT?
HELLO? HELLO?
HELLO?
SO WHEN WE TOUCH DOWN TOMORROW,
BIG BIRD IS GONNA MEET SCHUMANN AT THE AIRPORT, HUH?
BIG MISTAKE. YOU GOT TO BRING HIM IN BY STAGES.
BIG MISTAKE TO REVEAL SCHUMANN
BEFORE THE ELECTION.
HOW SO?
SWEETHEART, SCHUMANN IS THE SHARK.
SCHUMANN IS JAWS, YOU KNOW?
YOU HAVE TO TEASE 'EM. YOU GOTTA TEASE 'EM.
YOU DON'T PUT JAWS IN THE FIRST REEL OF THE MOVIE.
IT'S THE CONTRACT, SWEETHEART.
THE CONTRACT WITH THE ELECTION,
WHETHER THEY KNOW IT OR NOT,
IS VOTE FOR ME TUESDAY,
WEDNESDAY I WILL PRODUCE SCHUMANN.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE PAYING 7 BUCKS FOR.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHATEVER.
EVERYBODY'S GOTTA LEARN.
YEAH. ANY BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, YOU TAKE THE FRUIT OF 40 YEARS,
HARD LESSONS, MISTAKES, AND YOU CALL IT WISDOM.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
END OF THE DAY, JUST WHEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
TIME TO GO HOME.
STANLEY, YOU GOT DECADES IN YOU NOW.
YOU GOT DECADES LEFT IN YOU.
YEAH, BUT...
WHAT COULD I DO TO TOP THIS?
* THE 37th PSALM *
* I'LL DO THE SAME IN HIS GREAT NAME *
* IF YOU HAVE COURAGE, MOM *
YOU SEE HER? MM-HMM.
THAT WAS REAL TEARS.
WE WERE GONNA GIVE HER THOSE DROPS.
SHE CRIED.
REALLY?
SHE CRIED REAL.
IT LOOKS IT.
* PRAY FOR ME *
* AND THE U.S.A. *
* PRAY THEY NEVER USE THE BOMB *
* AND I'LL DO THE SAME... *
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS?
THEY OWE YOU BIG, STAN. OWE YOU BIG.
AMBASSADOR TO THIS OR THAT, WHATEVER.
AMBASSADOR TO WHAT?
I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO GO TO BRENTWOOD.
AH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
THAT'S IT. THAT'S MY REWARD.
THAT'S THE PAYOFF.
YOU WANT TO GO TO THE INAUGURAL?
MIGHT IF I WAS ASKED.
YOU KNOW, CONNIE, THIS HERE, SCHUMANN AND US,
LOOK AT THAT. KING KONG AND THE TRAINERS.
THIS IS IT.
Reporter: I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF
THIS PICTURE OF SERGEANT WILLIE SCHUMANN.
HE'S BECOME KNOWN TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC
SIMPLY AS THE OLD SHOE...
THIS IS GONNA BE A MASTERPIECE.
GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT.
...HIS GROUP 303 AND LEFT BEHIND IN ENEMY TERRITORY.
HERE AT ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE,
THEY PREPARE FOR THE RETURN OF WILLIE SCHUMANN.
SERGEANT SCHUMANN, IF I MAY,
WELCOME TO HISTORY.
SERGEANT SCHUMANN, I'M AMES.
SOMEBODY NAMED BREAN?
YEAH. RIGHT HERE.
SIGN HERE FOR ME, PLEASE, SIR.
Brean: CAPTAIN, YOU WANT TO TAKE HER UP, PLEASE?
THERE'S HEAVY WEATHER BACK EAST.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
6 TO 5 AND PICK 'EM. YOU WANT TO CHANCE IT?
IF IT'LL FLY, LET'S FLY. PEOPLE ARE WAITING.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
YEAH?
A CHILD AT THE AIRPORT BREAKS THROUGH THE RANKS,
RUNS TO OLD SHOE, RUBS SOME MEAT ON SCHUMANN'S CUFF.
A LITTLE DOG RUNS TO IT. THE DOG LOVES SCHUMANN.
HE IS A PERFECT WAR HERO.
YEAH. PERFECT.
YOU CAST 'EM. THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT. BOOK IT UP.
WHAT'S THIS?
KEYS TO THE MANACLES.
WAIT--WHAT--COULD YOU-- OH, MY GOD.
WAIT. WAIT. WHAT-- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
JUST WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
WHAT IS--WHAT IS THE TROUBLE?
NO TROUBLE AT ALL, MA'AM.
THEN WHY IS HE IN CHAINS?!
HE'S IN CHAINS, MA'AM, BECAUSE HE'S A CONVICT.
A--A CONVICT?!
[HUMMING]
HOW YOU DOING?
TAKE A LOOK.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHEN WE ASKED FOR SPECIAL PROGRAMS,
THEY GAVE US SPECIAL PRISONS.
ONLY A ONE-WORD DIFFERENCE.
HAS HE BEEN IN JAIL LONG?
12 YEARS.
DOES HE HAVE MUCH LONGER TO SERVE?
MMM.
[SIGHS] WHAT DID HE DO?
HE RAPED A NUN.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD. GEE, OH, GOD.
AND...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW AN "AND."
WHY IS THERE AN "AND"?
HE'S FINE AS LONG AS HE GETS HIS MEDICATIONS.
AND IF HE DOESN'T GET HIS MEDICATIONS?
HE'S NOT FINE.
RIGHT.
YEAH, UP THERE, CAPTAIN.
YEAH, CAPTAIN, WE--WE--
YOU'D BETTER GET US BACK TO WASHINGTON.
HOW ARE YA?
[LAUGHS]
FINE.
Schumann: WHOO!
MMM! GONNA GET ME BACK TOMORROW?
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, TOMORROW,
THEY'RE HAVING BEANS.
I NEED A LITTLE READJUSTMENT. WE HAVE TO RETHINK THIS.
BEANS!
WILLIAM, WE'RE TRYING TO DO THIS THING.
WELL, AS LONG AS YOU GET ME BACK FOR THE BEANS.
FOR THE BEANS, YES.
HE'S A LOT SICKER THAN WE THOUGHT.
RUSH HIM UNDER WRAPS TO WALTER REED FOR A SERIES OF TESTS.
IF YOU'RE GONNA KEEP ME OUT,
I'D LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
[LAUGHS] ARE YOU VERY RELIGIOUS?
OH, UM...
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
WINIFRED--
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
ALL COMBAT TAKES PLACE AT NIGHT IN THE RAIN
AT THE JUNCTION OF 4 MAP SEGMENTS.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
HE'S FINE AS LONG AS HE GETS HIS MEDICATION.
WELL, SPEAKING OF THAT,
WE'RE GONNA NEED A WHOLE LOT OF THIS STUFF.
WHY DON'T YOU GET ON THE PHONE AND GET IT?
I THINK YOU PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT THIS ALL WRONG.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE BACK STORY,
THE GUY IS COMING BACK FROM COMBAT AND TORTURE,
OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE FUCKED UP.
* BARRACUDA *
HE'S GONNA NEED A LITTLE HELP.
ANYBODY WANT A BEER? 'CAUSE I COULD PARTY.
I'M GONNA NEED AN AMBULANCE.
WE TAKE HIM THE LAST MOMENT FROM THE PLANE.
WE LAND, TAKE HIM FROM THE PLANE TO THE AMBULANCE.
AIR FORCE JET LANDS, WE TAKE SOMEBODY ELSE FROM THAT JET.
WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE?
SOMEBODY IN A HOSPITAL GOWN.
YOU GET ME BACK FOR THE BEANS.
'CAUSE TOMORROW'S THE BEANS.
'CAUSE THIS DOG AIN'T GONNA HUNT.
OH, NO. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
AREN'T YOU, WILLIAM?
SPEAKING OF WHICH, I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION HERE.
I WANT YOU STANDING BY WITH A LOT OF THIS STUFF.
A CRATE OF IT. IT'S, UM...
ANTI-PSYCHOTIC.
THE NUMBER IS V--HELLO?
HELLO? UGH.
THIS IS NOTHING.
IN THE OLD DAYS I USED TO THINK I WAS A PHARMACIST
THE STUFF I HAD TO CARRY AROUND.
WITH THE BEANS,
YOU CAN TELL IF THEY'RE PUTTIN' STUFF IN IT.
HUH.
YOU KNOW, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEAR IT.
WHAT KIND OF STUFF? YEAH, YEAH, HELLO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT KIND OF STUFF?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HE JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.
DID YOU MEAN?
NO, I DIDN'T.
HE DIDN'T MEAN.
HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
YOU MEANT SOMETHING.
HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL.
GIVE HIM ANOTHER ONE.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, WHAT KIND OF STUFF?
Motss: PILL. PILL, WILLIAM.
THIS IS NOTHING. DID YOU EVER SHOOT IN ITALY?
TRY 3 ITALIAN STARLETS SWACKED OUT ON BENZEDRINE AND GRAPPA.
THIS IS NOTHING.
THIS IS A WALK IN THE PARK. [CHUCKLES]
WHO ARE YOU?
WHO ARE YOU SONS OF BITCHES?
KILLERS! AAH!
JUST CALM DOWN.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
OH, MY GOD!
WHOO!
Ames: AAH!
[PLANE DIVING]
Reporter: SERGEANT WILLIE SCHUMANN IS COMING HOME.
SCHUMANN'S PLANE SHOULD BE OVER THE ATLANTIC OCEAN
MAKING ITS FINAL DESCENT BACK INTO THIS COUNTRY.
Woman reporter: THE WHITE HOUSE REPORTED
HE WAS SAFELY RESCUED AND ON HIS WAY BACK TO AMERICAN SOIL.
BUT WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR HIS PLANE TO LAND
AT ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE.
A PLANE THAT IS DUE TO LAND. LONG OVERDUE.
Levy: THE PRESIDENT IS MONITORING THE SITUATION
PERSONALLY AND CLOSELY,
AND WE WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED AS TO ANY DEVELOPMENTS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Ames: OH, GOD. WHAT DO WE DO NOW, HUH?
HUH? WHAT DO WE DO NOW, BOY PRODUCER?
HUH, MR. WIN AN EMMY, SOCIAL CONSCIENCE, WHALE SHIT,
SAVE THE RAIN FOREST, PEACENIK COMMIE,
FUCKIN' HIRE A CONVICT SHITHEAD?
WHAT DO WE DO NOW, LIBERAL, AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, SHITHEAD,
PEACENIK COMMIE FUCK? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?
THIS IS NOTHING. PIECE OF CAKE.
PRODUCING IS BEING A SAMURAI WARRIOR.
THEY PAY YOU DAY IN, DAY OUT FOR YEARS
SO THAT ONE DAY, WHEN CALLED UPON,
YOU CAN RESPOND, YOUR TRAINING AT ITS PEAK,
AND SAVE THE DAY!
[TELEVISION CRACKLES]
Senator Neal: PRODUCE HIM, I SAY,
OR, AND I DON'T HESITATE TO SAY THIS,
RANK HIM AS JUST ANOTHER IN A SERIES OF BROKEN PROMISES.
THIS TARDY ABSENCE OF THE FLIGHT MUST GIVE US PAUSE,
AND IN THAT PAUSE, WE SHOULD TAKE TIME TO EXAMINE OURSELVES--
FUCK YOU.
LEAVE IT ALONE. WHAT DID TELEVISION DO TO YOU?
IT DESTROYED THE ELECTORAL PROCESS.
OK, ENOUGH LOVEMAKING.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
WHERE?!
WE GOT WORK TO DO, WINIFRED.
COME ON, PAL.
IS IT TIME FOR EXERCISE?
'CAUSE I KNOW IT'S MY DAY IN THE YARD.
LET'S GET HIM OUT TO THE HIGHWAY.
THINK THIS IS TOUGH? COME ON, PAL!
THIS IS NOTHING! PIECE OF CAKE!
Ames: ALBANIAN DISSIDENTS,
HAVING SOMEHOW OBTAINED A SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILE TODAY,
Motss: YOU HAD YOUR FORTUNE RIGHT HERE,
AND YOU WERE READY TO THROW IT AWAY.
IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM, SOLVE IT.
THAT'S PRODUCING.
I TELL YOU, SOMEDAY WHEN THEY TELL THIS STORY--
YOU CAN'T TELL THIS STORY.
WHY NOT?
SOMEBODY WOULD HAVE YOU KILLED.
NO, NO. OF COURSE, I KNOW.
NOT NOW. BUT WHEN THEY DO TELL THE STORY--
NOBODY CAN TELL THIS STORY. EVER.
LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING.
YOU CAN'T TELL THIS STORY. HE'S NOT KIDDING YOU.
YOU CAN'T TELL THIS STORY. YOU KNEW THAT.
THE DEAL WAS YOU GET AN AMBASSADORSHIP.
NO, NO, NO.
I USED TO HAVE A CAMARO.
WHAT THE FUCK STORY ARE YOU GOING TO TELL?
THE GUY'S A NUT CASE.
YOU WOULD BE TOO IF YOU WENT THROUGH WHAT HE WENT THROUGH.
HE RAPED A NUN.
WHAT HE WENT THROUGH IN ALBANIA.
HE'S DOPED TO THE GILLS.
WHERE'S MY LITTLE PILLS?
SHOW SOME COMPASSION.
HE SPENT THE LAST 12 YEARS IN A MILITARY PRISON.
YEAH. HOW ARE WE GONNA EXPLAIN THAT?
EXPLAIN IT? AM I WORRIED?
HOW DO WE EXPLAIN THAT WHEN THE WORLD IS WATCHING?
FUCK THE WORLD. TRY A 10 A.M. PITCH MEETING
COKED TO THE GILLS AND YOU HAVEN'T READ THE TREATMENT.
HOW DO WE EXPLAIN HE WAS IN PRISON?
HOW? WELL, YOU SEE, WINIFRED,
THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN AT A PITCH.
HIS RECORDS SAY HE WAS IN PRISON
AS THEY SAY FOR ALL THE MEN AND WOMEN OF GROUP 303
AS THEY MUST BECAUSE OF THE SECRECY INVOLVED.
Brean: I'M ON TOP OF IT.
Motss: NOT SURE WHETHER ENEMY ACTION...
I'M FINE, I'M FINE. I GOT IT.
STANLEY, I TOLD YOU, I DO THIS FOR A LIVING.
YOU DO WHAT FOR A LIVING?
EXACTLY WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THE PRESIDENT?
I LOST MY WALLET. YOU GOT ANY CHANGE.
YEAH.
THANKS, PAL.
HOW WE DOING, BOY?
I'M OK. READY TO MIX IT UP?
IS TODAY LAUNDRY DAY?
WHAT DO YOU DO ON LAUNDRY DAY?
LAUNDRY.
STAND BY TO COPY THIS. JUST GET A PENCIL.
DOWN SAFELY...
PRODUCE THIS SCHUMANN.
PRODUCE HIM I SAY, OR, AND I DON'T HESITATE TO SAY THIS,
RANK HIM AS JUST ANOTHER IN A SERIES OF BROKEN PROMISES.
SUSTAINED MINOR INJURIES.
FLIGHT CREW BEING INVESTIGATED FOR POSSIBLE PILOT ERROR.
TRANSSHIPPED TO AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION.
BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Reporter: THIS DESERTED RUNWAY
SHOULD BE FILLED WITH WELL-WISHERS...
HOW YOU DOING?
YEAH?
A COLD DRINK?
Reporter: SCHUMANN WAS TO RETURN TO AMERICAN SOIL TODAY
AFTER HIS SAFE RESCUE IN ALBANIA.
HE LOOKS LIKE ME.
...DESERVES AN EXPLANATION FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
UH, WAIT, WE ARE NOW GOING LIVE TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
Levy: I HAVE AN UPDATE REGARDING THE AIRCRAFT INCIDENT
INVOLVING SERGEANT SCHUMANN.
HE IS DOWN SAFELY AND WILL BE TRANSSHIPPED.
WE ARE INFORMED HE HAS SUSTAINED MINOR INJURIES
WHICH WILL REQUIRE HIS BEING MEDICATED FOR SOME TIME...
BRING IN THE CAVALRY. NICK OF TIME.
[SIGHS] YEAH?
POLITICAL SHITBIRDS. FUCK WITH US, HUH?
THEY DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'RE PLAYING WITH.
PURTY.
I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT THE DRIVER OF THE RIG.
WHAT RIG? THE HARVESTER.
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS GREEN CARD.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A GREEN CARD.
Motss: SO WHAT?
SO? YOU WANT SCHUMANN TO BE RESCUED BY AN ILLEGAL ALIEN?
WE CAN'T HAVE SCHUMANN SAVED BY AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT.
GET ON THE PHONE. FLY IN A JUDGE.
GET ON THE PHONE. WHAT'S ALL THIS MOPING ABOUT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGE?
HI.
* I LIKE THE NIGHTLIFE *
* I LIKE TO BOOGIE *
AAH!
SU-SUSIE!
WILLIAM?
SUSIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, NO.
SUSIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
KICKBALL. HEE!
[GRUNTS] HELLO?
SUSAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
LET ME TALK TO HIM!
SUSIE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I THINK WE SHOULD--
Motss: WILLIE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
SUSIE?
SHOESTER!
SUSIE?
LET ME TALK TO HIM. SHOE, YOU IN THERE?
I'LL KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH.
I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. SHOE, YOU WANT TO TALK?
GET YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. YOU WANT SOME BEANS?
WILL THAT DO IT, SHOESTER?
SHOE? COME ON, SHOE! ANY KIND--
[GUNSHOT]
OH, GOD, HE'S DEAD.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY.
OH.
OH. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
HE'S NOT DEAD. HE'S--
[GUNSHOT]
STRIKE THAT.
[SIGHS]
AW, JEEZ.
SO CLOSE AND YET SO FAR.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, WE WERE THIS CLOSE.
THIS IS NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS IS NOTHING. THIS JUST GOT BIG.
BIG? IT GOT BIG? HE'S DEAD. HE'S DEAD.
WE KILLED OLD SHOE.
AND WHAT IS BETTER THAN THE TRIUMPHAL HOMECOMING
OF A WAR HERO?
Officer: READY!
LIFT!
Men: * WE'RE GATHERED HERE *
* WITH A CROSS TO BEAR *
* THE BRAVEST MEN *
* ANYWHERE *
* THAT THIS GREAT LAND *
* WILL REMAIN FREE *
* GOD BLESS THE MEN *
* OF THE 3-0-3 *
* SIDE BY SIDE *
* WE KNOW NO FEAR *
* OUR MINDS ARE SHARP *
* OUR EYES ARE CLEAR *
* IN THE AIR, ON LAND *
* OR ON THE SEA *
* WE'RE THE FIGHTIN' MEN *
* OF THE 3-0-3 *
* 3-0-3 *
* GIVE US THIS DAY *
* OUR DAILY BREAD *
* AND LEOPARD SKIN *
* FOR OUR HEAD *
* THAT WE MAY FIGHT... *
[MARCHING BAND PLAYS]
COFFEE?
YES, PLEASE.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. LOOKING GOOD.
BRING IT ALL BACK HOME.
LASSIE BARKS TWICE,
AND IT'S TIME TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.
HELL OF A SHOW, STAN.
HELL OF A JOB.
IT'S JUST PRODUCING. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO ACADEMY AWARD
FOR PRODUCING.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
THERE IS NO ACADEMY AWARD FOR PRODUCING.
WHERE DO MOVIES COME FROM IF NOBODY PRODUCES THEM?
WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?
THEY COME FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU, STAN.
AH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
YOU JUST GOT TO TAKE THE BITTER WITH THE BETTER.
JOB'S ALMOST DONE--
KNOCK ON WOOD.
WE DID A GOOD JOB.
THAT'S OUR REWARD.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T SAVE THE WORLD.
ALL YOU CAN DO IS TRY.
HEH HEH. AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Woman on TV: AND, AS WE SAID, THE PRESIDENT--
THRUST OF THE ALBANIAN EPISODE
TO PUT HIM OVER THE TOP.
YES, YOU COULD SAY THAT, SHIRLEY,
BUT IT'S JUST SIMPLY NOT TRUE.
WHAT WOULD BE TRUE, THEN?
WELL, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF EARLIER--
AND IF I MAY REPHRASE--
THAT THE SUCCESS OF THE PRESIDENT IN THE POLLS--
Man: AS OF TODAY, 89% FAVORABLE.
WHOO!
Patten: BASED NOT ON THE EVENTS...
EVENTS.
BUT ON THE SPIN GIVEN TO THOSE EVENTS.
SEE? WHAT'S THE LESSON, HERE, CONNIE?
NEVER GIVE UP.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU WERE RIGHT.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
PROUD TRADITION.
I AM PROUDER OF THIS
THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID IN MY LIFE.
YOU SHOULD BE, STAN.
I WANT TO THANK YOU, CONNIE.
[CLAPS]
I WANT TO THANK YOU.
YOU GAVE ME A GOOD OPPORTUNITY.
THANK YOU.
AND, AS WE SAID,
THE PRESIDENT A SUREFIRE WINNER
AND THE CAMPAIGN, MANY SAID, THAT PUT HIM THERE.
ANOTHER GREAT RACE TODAY, JOHNNY.
WHO YOU GOING TO RIDE IN THE STAKES?
WELL, EDDIE, LIKE MY DADDY ALWAYS USED TO SAY...
Man: WELL, THE MESSAGE IS IRRELEVANT.
THE MAIN ELEMENT HERE THAT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH
IS THAT FEAR IS WHAT'S DRIVING A LOT OF PEOPLE, OK?
YES. COMMERCIALS, COMMERCIALS,
COMMERCIALS.
THE PRESIDENT IS A PRODUCT.
YES, THE PRESIDENT IS A PRODUCT.
HE'S THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 89%.
Patten: WHICH WE'RE DEALING WITH TODAY.
YES. COMMERCIALS, COMMERCIALS,
COMMERCIALS.
IT'S TIME THE AMERICAN PEOPLE BEGIN TO TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO BE TAKING YOUR CALLS.
THE NUMBER IS 1-800...
OH, SHIT.
HA!
1-800-555-0199.
Man: AND, YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT...
HE'S BEEN OUT FRONT NOW...
STANLEY, UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?
I'M GOING TO CALL SOMEBODY UP.
[CONRAD LAUGHS]
STAN, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
I'M GOING TO GET THESE PEOPLE STRAIGHT.
WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, STANLEY.
WATCH ME.
STANLEY.
STANLEY, YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT.
STANLEY. WHAT?
YOU KNEW THE DEAL WHEN YOU SIGNED ON.
OH, COME ON. DEALS CHANGE.
NO, NO, NO.
SURE IT IS.
STANLEY, LISTEN TO ME.
LET'S RETHINK THAT AMBASSADORSHIP.
I'M TALKING LONDON. I'M TALKING PARIS.
I'M TALKING A SECRET ACCOUNT FOR YOUR EXTRA EXPENSES,
GETTING LAID WHENEVER YOU WANT.
MARINE GUARDS WILL SALUTE YOU ALL THE TIME.
NO. IT'S TEMPTING,
BUT I GOT TO ANSWER TO A HIGHER CALLING--
ART.
OH, MONEY? OK.
MONEY? YOU THINK I DID THIS FOR MONEY?
I DID THIS FOR CREDIT.
FOR CREDIT.
BUT YOU ALWAYS KNEW YOU COULDN'T TAKE THE CREDIT.
THAT'S ONE THING, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO STAND HERE
AND LET 2 DICKHEADS FROM FILM SCHOOL TAKE IT.
STANLEY, LISTEN TO ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ARE YOU NUTS? YOU'RE NUTS.
STANLEY, NO FOOLING. WHAT?
YOU'RE PLAYING WITH YOUR LIFE NOW.
AW, FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK MY LIFE.
I WANT THE CREDIT. THE CREDIT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE NEW YORK TIMES SAID
ABOUT MY LAST PICTURE?
THEY CALLED IT "A THRILL RIDE FOR THE AGES,"
BUT THEY DIDN'T MENTION THE PRODUCER.
THEY TALKED ABOUT THE COSTUMES,
BUT THEY NEVER TALKED ABOUT THE PRODUCER.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PICTURE GROSSED?
AND NOW I'M GOING TO STAND HERE
AND LET SOME LIMP-DICK FILM-SCHOOL PANSY
TAKE THE CREDIT? WHAT?
YOU CAN'T DO IT.
DON'T YOU TELL ME THAT!
DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT!
I AM THE PRODUCER OF THIS SHOW!
IF I DIDN'T STEP UP, YOU'RE NOWHERE!
I PUT THIS THING TOGETHER ON A SPIT AND POLISH!
LOOK AT THAT.
THAT IS A COMPLETE FUCKING FRAUD,
AND IT LOOKS 100% REAL.
IT'S THE BEST WORK I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE,
BECAUSE IT'S SO HONEST.
THEY TOLD ME I COULDN'T REMAKE MOBY DICK
FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE WHALE.
$450 MILLION DOMESTIC.
I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE VIDEO.
AND I MADE THIS LAME TURKEY FLY.
I DID IT--PURE HOLLYWOOD.
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE,
I WILL NOT BE PISSED ON.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
I WANT--
I WANT THE CREDIT.
I'M TAKING IT. GOOD-BYE.
Motss: SHIT.
HE'S COMING DOWN.
CONNIE, COULD I SEE YOU IN HERE A MINUTE?
THANKS.
Woman: DO YOU SWEAR TO UPHOLD
THE DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
OF A CITIZEN
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA--
TO DEFEND HER IN TIME OF PERIL,
TO DEFEND HER FROM ALL ENEMIES,
FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC?
DO YOU MAKE THIS PLEDGE WITH FULL RESOLVE?
Sí. Sí.
Men: * COMMON GROUND *
* AND FAMILY *
* LET'S GIVE THANKS *
* TO THE 3-0-3 *
* YEARS FROM NOW *
* WHEN WE ARE GONE *
* OUR CHILDREN'S KIDS *
* WILL HEAR THIS SONG *
* THINK HOW STRONG *
* AND PROUD THEY'LL BE *
* GRANDPA FOUGHT *
* FOR THE 3-0-3 *
* GOD BLESS THE MEN *
* OF THE 3-0-3 *
* TEN-HUT! *
Man: PRESENT ARMS!
[BUGLER PLAYS TAPS]
Newscaster: AND TURNING TO THE HOLLYWOOD PAGE,
FAMED FILM PRODUCER STANLEY R. MOTSS
DIED SUDDENLY OF A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK
WHILE SUNBATHING POOLSIDE.
MR. MOTSS WAS 57 OR 62-YEARS-OLD,
DEPENDING ON THE BIO.
HIS CREDITS INCLUDE NUMEROUS FILMS
WHICH AMERICA HAS COME TO LOVE AS OLD CLASSICS.
AND THIS JUST IN.
A GROUP CALLING ITSELF "ALBANIA UNITE"
HAS CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE BOMBING MOMENTS AGO
OF THE VILLAGE OF KLOS, ALBANIA.
THE PRESIDENT WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT,
BUT GENERAL WILLIAM SCOTT OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF
SAYS HE HAS NO DOUBT WE'LL BE SENDING PLANES AND TROOPS
BACK IN TO FINISH THE JOB.
Mark Knopfler: * NOW YOU CAN DO THE WOOLLY BULLY *
* BUT CAN YOU PULL A WOOLLY WOOLLY? *
* CAN YOU WAG *
* CAN YOU WAG THE DOG? *
* OH, WAG THE DOG *
* CAN YOU WAG THAT DOG? *
Merle Haggard: * I CAN TELL *
* THE WAY YOU'RE FEELIN', MOM *
* A MILLION MILES AWAY *
* I KNOW *
* THAT I'VE BEEN ON YOUR MIND *
* AND IN YOUR THOUGHTS TODAY *
* SO PRAY FOR ME *
* THE WAY YOU DO *
* QUOTE THE 37th PSALM *
* AND I'LL DO THE SAME *
* IN HIS GREAT NAME *
* AND--AND YOU HAVE COURAGE, MOM *
Willie Nelson: * GOT THE WRANGLER *
* IN THE RING *
[HUMS]
* HALF BLACK *
* HALF LEOPARD *
* PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD *
* HALF BLACK *
* HALF LEOPARD *
* AND YOU WEAR IT TO YOUR BED *
* HALF BLACK *
* HALF LEOPARD *
* YOU WEAR IT NIGHT AND DAY *
* HALF BLACK *
* HALF LEOPARD *
* MY 3-0-3 BERET *
* I GUARD *
* THE AMERICAN DREAM *
* I GUARD *
* THE AMERICAN DREAM *
* DA, DA *
* DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA *
Man: * OUR COUNTRY'S BUILT *
* ON THE ROCK OF LIBERTY *
Woman: * AND WE, AS PEOPLE *
* MUST KEEP IT FREE *
* IT IS FOR LIFE *
* LIBERTY *
Both: * THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS *
* FREEDOM *
* FREE *
* YEAH, YEAH *
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