- Hello, Rachel. - (Rachel) 'Thanks for taking my call.
'I'm involved in a strange love triangle.'
- This is sweeps week! - 'l recently married a widower.
'Phil is a real good man, he's a kind man.
'But there's one problem.
'He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes
- 'on the dresser in our bedroom.' - That is a definite "yikes".
'l knew that wasn't normal! He says it is...'
Rachel, before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember,
this is a sensitive issue for your husband.
Those ashes mean a lot to him.
It's not appropriate to keep them in the bedroom,
but you could move them to another room.
'l could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room.'
(Crash)
'Oops!'
- What happened? - 'Oh, nothing. I'd better run, Dr Crane.
'I've got some vacuuming to do.'
As Rachel helps Phil's first wife off the floor,
we're at the end of our second hour. We're back after the news.
Please join me, Frasier Crane, and my invaluable producer...
...uh...uh...
- Roz! - Roz.
KACL talk radio, 780AM.
Roz, I'm so sorry!
Your name was in front of me, and I couldn't put my finger on it!
- Forget about it. - It's been happening to me a lot lately.
Last night I walked into the kitchen, and I couldn't remember what for.
- Don't make yourself crazy. It's normal. - OK.
Your hairstylist confirmed your appointment.
I don't remember making one.
You didn't. I was just gaslighting you.
- That is not funny! - Oh, lighten up.
- Here, sign these. - All right.
Will you say it or make me wait till the end of the day?
- Say what? - "Happy birthday."
It is not your birthday.
Oh, God, it is! Oh, Roz, I'm so sorry! Let me take you out after work, OK?
- You are so easy! - Oh, that's it! I'm out of here!
- Aren't you forgetting something? - No, I am not!
You can't blame a girl for trying.
Five, four, three, two...
We're back.
(Growling)
Ten.
15-2.
No, Eddie, no. Dad, ask your dog to stop burrowing at my shoes.
It took six months to have them sent from a blind cobbler in Seville.
- He won't stop till you scratch him. - Oh. All right, Eddie, all right.
You know, I'm beginning to think I have an affinity for animals.
Would you mind if I noodle at the piano?
- Would it stop you if we said, "yes"? - Point well taken.
(# BEETHOVEN: "Sonata No 5, Op 10, No 1 ")
(Hits clinker)
That's strange. For the life of me, I can't remember the next note.
(Hits clinker)
I know this backwards and forwards!
Perhaps if you start at the end, you'll have better luck.
(Wrong notes)
Oh, come on. You know how it goes. It goes: da-da-da-da...
Oh, thank you, Dad. Now it's perfectly clear(!)
(Fumbles)
That was very nice, Son. How about something from "South Pacific"?
I'm sorry, I'm just getting fed up with this nonsense.
I keep forgetting names. Last week, twice I forgot where I parked my car.
Join the club, pal. You're getting older.
Of course I'm getting older. We all are. I'm not that old.
I'm afraid Dad may have a point. I know you'd like to believe
we're still the same devilish sprigs we always were,
sitting on mother's davenport in our tweeds and tams
listening to the "Texaco Symphonic Hour".
But the cold, hard reality is you're middle-aged.
I'm 41. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle-aged is more like 50, 55.
Only if you live to be 110.
I'm ready to go.
- Where are you off to? - I'm giving Daphne a lift.
I'm meeting me friends for darts and a few pints. It's best in that order.
Just ask Blind Willie, the bartender.
Before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question.
When you look at me, do you see me as a young man or as an older man?
Oh, no, you don't. You're not getting me into that Vietnam.
There are three questions you never answer honestly:
"How old do I look?", "Do you like me hair?",
and "Was it good for you, too?"
Coming, Dr Crane?
Dr Crane?
I'm sorry, I was someplace else.
It was a warm and friendly place.
Big surprise, I got a headache. I need to get an aspirin.
The very suggestion that I'm descending into old age...
Just because I can't remember some names and a tune on the piano.
Your arm's not long enough for that, is it?
Let me ask you a few questions.
Can you get through the night without having to go to the john?
Can you get in and out of a chair without going, "Arrrgh"?
Can you eat a slice of pizza less than twelve hours before you go to bed?
- What's on the pizza? - Ah, I thought so.
Now that we've established you're middle-aged, take some advice.
Don't fight it. It'll go a lot easier.
Are you suggesting I'll rush off to a surgeon
for an eye lift and a chin tuck?
Oh, dear God!
When guys get to this stage,
they do things they would never have done before.
Dad, please spare me. I am a psychiatrist,
- I know the routine. - Who is that?
That's me, in '74, going through my own little stage.
I died my hair black, bought a leather jacket and a Harley Davidson.
My God, Dad, you look like one of the Village People.
I came to my senses before you got back from Harvard that summer.
- Are those love beads? - All right, that's enough.
Just keep your guard up, and don't do something stupid, all right?
- OK, Dad. - You might think it's tough
being middle-aged, but think about me.
I got a son who's middle-aged.
(Groans)
(Dad) 'l heard that.'
Didn't this use to be Pinsky's store?
- No idea. - We'd bring you kids here all the time.
Man, it was a great store. You could buy lingerie,
a bag of popcorn and transmission fluid, all under the same roof.
Finally something I'm glad I forgot.
I believe I came here on a mission.
I don't want anything fancy or that comes in tubes.
I want them white, plain and boxers.
That kind of lack of imagination sunk the British Empire.
Check out these dress pants. They got elastic panels in the waist.
You can eat all you want and not cut off your circulation.
Milan must be beside itself.
An innovative use of synthetic fibres.
You can recycle these and turn them into milk containers.
You going to get them or not?
You brought these over for me?
The sands of time are shifting, mostly south.
Maybe you could go with suspenders.
If you keep your jacket closed, your gut can hang down to here.
I do not have a gut! I have contours.
Excuse me. Is anyone helping you?
Oh, no! She's looking at something with stripes!
Daphne! Come on, let's go!
You're not getting those, are you? I have something much better here.
What do you think of these?
They could work on a nice tall guy like you.
- You really think so? - Yeah, you've got a great build.
- Thank you very much, uh... - Carrie.
- Let's see.
This is kind of a young look, but you could really pull it off.
I don't really think it's me.
Are you sure? This would look good on you.
I could try it on. But just out of curiosity, how old do you think I am?
- I don't want to do that. - No, please. Go ahead.
I don't know, um... 36?
Are you serious?
Sorry, you're probably 34. Now you don't want to buy anything.
Are those Armani shirts expensive?
- Yeah. - I'll take two.
- Great. Changing room's right this way. - Ah.
I love to guess what my customers do by what they wear.
- You're an architect, right? - No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Oh, I've taken psychology courses. What are you, Freudian, Reichian?
Lately, I've been leaning more towards Jung because I'm "jung" at heart.
The oldest joke in the shrinks' book.
- Can't believe I said it. - I can't believe I laughed.
You must laugh at all customers' jokes.
No, just the cute ones.
- Cute jokes or customers? - You figure it out.
- You ready? - I'm trying on some pants.
Did you notice that girl that helped us?
Sure. I'm not dead.
We just had a little conversation,
and I could swear she was flirting with me.
Trust me, Son, she's on commission.
Oh, no, that was no sales pitch.
She is definitely interested in me. I'll have to see where this may lead.
I know you're forgetting things, but don't you remember our little talk?
Oh, dear, it sneaks right up on you, doesn't it?
What am I thinking? A 41-year-old man going out with a girl of 22, 23?
- Young enough to be your daughter. - Thanks for pointing that out.
This is Dr Frasier Crane,
KACL talk radio thanking you for joining us today.
Up next, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco and the "Gonzo Sports Show"!
Until tomorrow, here's wishing you good mental health.
Hey, Doc. Hear the news? Ken Griffey Jr's groin pull is healed!
Thank God. We'll all remember where we were
when we heard the joyful news.
- Excuse me, Dr Crane? - Hi, Carrie.
- Hi, I have your pants. - Whoa, Doc!
(Toots a horn)
- Where'd you leave them? - They're new.
Finer stores deliver garments to their customers.
We don't. I just wanted to see you again.
Excuse me. You look very familiar.
Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat
at Sloppy Nick's during last year's Indy 500?
- Er, no. - What you doing next Memorial Day?
As certain as I am that any young lady
would love to set your face on fire, Carrie is here to see me.
You can't blame a dog for trying.
Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I drive a '94 Camaro.
Is he gay?
I've been studying about this. It seems like he's overcompensating.
I'm not sure, but I look forward to running that theory by him.
Thank you for the pants. Do I owe you anything?
No, I enjoyed meeting you yesterday,
and we had a few laughs together.
And maybe we could go out and have a cup of coffee sometime.
Listen, Carrie, I'm very flattered that you'd like to go out with me,
and you're a beautiful young woman...
- But? - Well, it's our ages. How old are you?
22. How old are you?
That's not polite.
It wouldn't be appropriate for us to date.
How about we just live together?
I'm just lightening an uncomfortable moment.
- Ha-ha, well done. - Well, I'm sorry,
but if you change your mind, you know where I am.
- Enjoy your pants. - Same to you.
I only got a second here, but... HELLO!
ANYONE THERE?
She wanted to go out with you! You didn't have to chase her!
You didn't have to harass her.
You didn't have to pay her! It was like a miracle!
- She's too young! - Are you following this?
- I don't expect you to understand. - I don't. You're not dating her?
- No. - Good. Maybe I can catch up with her.
Maybe she's never dated an ex-pro hockey player.
You've never played hockey.
It's like we're from different planets.
- Talk about pathetic. - Isn't he?
- I meant you. - You think I should go out with her?
It's hard enough to find somebody.
When an opportunity comes along, grab it.
- What about the age thing? - What about it?
You see an old man in the street with a young girl, what do you think?
I think he must be really rich.
- Then I try to make eye contact. - Ah.
There you are, Frasier. I'm so glad you called me.
Thanks for coming.
Maris's friends introduced me to a party game I'd like to share with you...
- I'd really like to talk. - This first. It's a hoot.
If you were on a desert island with one meal,
one aria and one bottle of wine, what would they be?
- Niles, I really... - Frasier.
OK.
A Big Mac, "I'm Your Venus" and Ripple.
If you're going to mock the game, don't play.
- Gladly. - Are you still cramped up about age?
No, I'm fine. By the way, you were right.
Oh, I love to hear that.
Yes, but I do have a problem. The other day I was asked out by, er,
this 22-year-old girl that I met in the mall.
- That is alarming. - I turned her down.
In a mall? Did anyone see you?
Niles. I'm just wondering if I made the right decision.
I would love to go out with this girl. She's fantastic.
But I could look like some old fool chasing after a young girl,
becoming a walking midlife crisis cliché,
running around like that buffoon Stanley Barrister.
- Oh, that is embarrassing. - That girl, how old can she be?
- 21, if she's a day. - Frightening!
I saw them last Tuesday night together.
- I saw them Wednesday morning. - (Both) Ew!
- That's disgusting! - People will say the same about me!
Stanley Barrister is a 60-year-old man
who wears a toupee that looks like something
he pulled out of a shower drain.
You are 41 and obviously not wearing a toupee.
Thank you, Niles.
- You think it's OK for me to date her? - It doesn't matter.
- I value your opinion. - It's irrelevant.
Don't be coy, and please stop pursing your lips.
You look like one of those old women they carve out of dried apples.
Don't you see? What I think about you dating a younger woman is immaterial.
- What matters is what you think. - Hm...
Would you be doing it to run away from your age
or because this could become a relationship?
- I don't know. - Find out.
- Then to hell with what people think. - You are right.
Oh! There it is again. I never tire of hearing that.
Let the tongues of the doubting nabobs wag.
- If it feels right, make yourself happy. - Thank you.
On a desert island, what would be your favourite meal, aria and wine?
The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca,
and the Côtes du Rhône Châteauneuf du Pape '47.
You are so predictable.
- Carrie, hi. - Hi. I didn't expect to see you here.
I could say I came down to shop, but I came to see you.
That's great. I've been thinking about you.
Me, too. I wanted to chat about why we shouldn't go out.
- OK. - I thought I was in a midlife crisis.
I was afraid if I dated you, I would be trying to recapture my youth.
I thought I asked you out only because I was trying to work out
some unresolved issues about my father or something.
So I went back and forth. I felt like a fool...
Me, too, back and forth.
- Maybe you came along to fill a need. - Or this could be something serious.
Exactly. So, well, I asked myself a few tough questions.
- Me, too. - I finally came to a decision.
Me, too. I think us going out would have been really stupid.
Me, too!
You and I would never have been on a very firm footing.
You knew all that, but you just let me figure it out for myself.
Yes, I'm sort of like the Wizard of Oz.
It's no wonder everybody listens to your radio show. You're so smart.
Actually, I am full of crap.
I had no idea you might be grappling with personal issues.
Some psychiatrist, huh?
The truth is I came down here to try to talk you into going out with me.
I guess it's still a pretty bad idea.
You're being so honest with me.
That is such an attractive quality in a man.
Well, you know, let's not go down that road again.
OK.
See you around.
Bye.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
♪ Quite stylish
♪ Maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!
♪ But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
♪ They're calling again
♪ Scrambled eggs all over my face What is a boy to do? ♪
Good night!