Hello, is that the wholesome bakery?
Now tell me-- and I shall know if you're lying--
are your fresh cream cakes really fresh?
There's no need to take that attitude.
This is a serious customer inquiry.
My name is "bouquet,"
b-u-c-k-e-t.
No, it's not bucket, it's "bouquet."
I wish to place a large order, a very important order.
I have the new vicar calling this afternoon
for tea and light refreshments.
How soon can you deliver?
Yes, I know it's Saturday,
and I'm very happy that you're busy.
I can understand that you don't deliver just anywhere,
the new vicar
coming for tea and light refreshments,
and I want six fresh cream cakes.
That is a large order.
Hello?
Hoi polloi.
I wish you wouldn't raise your arms like that, Richard,
not when you're overheated. It's very common out of doors.
It's warm work, Hyacinth.
To perspire,
I wish you'd go into the back garden,
so as not to disturb the people who respect US socially.
I didn't invent the human cooling system.
We mustn't abuse it, must we, dear?
Why are my roses not as big as those next door?
Maybe they're a different variety?
I don't like our roses not being as big as those next door.
Are you neglecting them, Richard?
I wanted the vicar to be greeted by a Blaze
of petaled glory.
This type only grows to this size, Hyacinth.
I'm sure if you tried harder.
I keep thinking you're out here growing these huge roses,
all the time I suppose you're gossiping with passers-by.
Funny you should say that, you know who passed by earlier this morning--
my goodness! Is that a dead leaf?
Why are you collecting old dead leaves, Richard?
I'm gonna corner the market,
the entire world market.
They're going to be begging me for old dead leaves.
Mmm?
Good morning, Elizabeth!
Good morning, Hyacinth.
Do come in and we'll have a little rehearsal for this afternoon.
Rehearsal?
Surely you haven't forgotten you're having tea with the new vicar?
And light refreshments.
Oh yes, for light refreshments.
I've had them before. Do we need your rehearsal?
I never like leaving things to chance.
It's the Mark of the thoughtful hostess.
Oooh!
Richard!
Sorry.
Do sit down, Elizabeth.
Not there, dear. I like to face the window.
Oh, dear.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'm really rather busy, Hyacinth.
Oh, that's nice, dear.
Now, with regard to what to wear,
I think one of US should look attractive in something tasteful
and summery floral.
What will you wear?
Well, I'm rather expecting you to tell me.
I wouldn't dream of interfering.
But just remember, the important thing is
not to clash with my summer floral.
Since we live next door to each other,
the least we can do is coordinate.
I'll probably wear my tan two-piece.
Oh, I see.
Not my tan two-piece.
I think something a little more chic, dear, don't you?
Well, all right then, my green print dress.
Isn't that a little revealing?
Mmm.
My elbows, possibly, but that's about all!
Yes, I know, dear.
But are we quite sure where the new vicar stands
with regard to naked elbows?
I don't think mine will drive him wild.
Excuse me.
That's probably the wholesome bakery
ringing to apologize.
What's wrong with my tan two-piece?
The "bouquet" residence, the lady of the house speaking.
Oh, it's you, Rose.
It's my sister Rose, Elizabeth.
She's inclined to be talkative and excitable,
so do help yourself to a biscuit, dear.
And mind the crumbs!
What is it now, Rose?
Rose, you will not commit suicide, I forbid it.
No one in this family has ever committed suicide,
and I'm sure we're not going to start
on the day i'm having the new vicar for tea and light refreshments.
I don't care what your romantic entanglements are,
you cannot have dear dead mommy's wedding dress--
especially to be buried in.
I can't live without Mr. Hepplewhite!
Will you keep it down, Rose?
I can't live without Mr. Hepplewhite--
not since the tragedy.
Well, it's what happens to all men in the end,
he's gone back to his wife.
I have to die! I threatened him I would.
What do you fancy in the 3:00?
Rainbow lady.
Hyacinth!
I want to be buried in mommy's wedding dress!
You've got a bloody cheek being buried in white.
I don't see why you should have the dress, anyway.
She was my mother too!
The least you can do is have a little sympathy
for your sister when she's determined to die!
Have you seen my library book?
Have you looked where it usually is?
Under the settee!
No, Hyacinth!
Not the wedding dress!
Our Daisy's library book!
Who's Mr. Hepplewhite?
She met him last week.
Oh, he's lasted nearly a week then?
Thought it was the real thing this time.
And what does Boris think?
Oh, she doesn't tell Boris.
What's the point in hurting Boris?
She's very thoughtful, your Rose.
She's got a good heart.
A pity she hasn't got a head to match.
Psst!
Psst--
dear, good morning!
It's a lovely day, isn't it?
Mind you, I shan't see much of it.
Did I tell you I was having the new vicar today
for tea and light refreshments?
Several times.
She's plainly seething with envy.
- Morning. - Richard!
I will not have you waving in dirty gardening gloves.
They get dirty when you're gardening, Hyacinth.
Can't you keep one pair for gardening and one pair for waving?
I've been standing in that doorway for two minutes
trying to attract your attention.
- I was working. - You've no right to be working
when I'm hissing at you. I've got Rose on the telephone.
She's going to--
not again.
- Who is it this time? - I think she said a Mr. Hepplewhite.
That's all right then. Nobody ever committed suicide for somebody called hepplewhite.
Will you keep your voice down, Richard?
I've got Elizabeth in the kitchen.
I don't want her overhearing family scandal.
I want you to go inside and engage Elizabeth in conversation.
I don't want her listening
while I'm trying to calm Rose down.
Not in your gardening shoes, Richard!
Go round the back!
Yes, of course I'm here, Rose.
I've been here all the time, dear.
Now pull yourself together, Rose.
What can possibly happen once a week on wednesdays
to make Mr. Hepplewhite so necessary to you?
Richard!
Are you talking to Elizabeth?
I'm talking! I'm talking!
Rose, I know I asked the question,
but I'm not standing here surrounded by expensive wallpaper
to be given details like that.
It's not an excessive year
for green-fly.
Well, that's something, anyway.
They are there,
but not in excess.
Oh, that was Rose.
She turns to me for advice, all the family do.
"Ring Hyacinth," they say. "She'll know."
It gets very wearing.
Thank you, dear.
- Anything wrong? - Wrong?! No, no!
Why should there be anything wrong?
No, it's just sister talk.
I like weekly reports on daddy's condition.
- How is your father? - Oh, tragic.
A brilliant I.Q. Struggling with senility.
I'd love to have him here but he drops food everywhere.
Now, Richard, don't just sit there.
Wash your hands, change your shoes,
then I want you to go to the wholesome bakery
where you will speak to the manager about their delivery policy.
And then you will return here with six superior fresh cream cakes.
Oh, uh, what about their delivery policy?
Inept. Point to the folly of their not understanding
customers of our social status.
Be scathing, Richard.
Crush them.
Should I wear a suit or something casual?
Casual might give the wrong impression, dear.
It is Saturday.
Exactly! Nearly Sunday.
The new vicar probably has half his mind
already on tomorrow's religious duties.
In which case, Richard, it seems hardly fitting
for you to come slinking in, dressed for frivolity.
Frivolity? 30 years married,
I can't remember a single frivol.
Wear a suit, dear.
And answer that, will you?
It's for you, it's Elizabeth.
From next door?
Get something on.
You shouldn't be answering the phone to ladies in that condition.
Elizabeth!
Yes, certainly I'll give you the benefit of my opinion.
Yes, I like that. I've always liked that.
I haven't had it all that long.
It's very suitable, dear.
You'll blend beautifully into the background.
Ahh... this suit?
Good grief, Richard, why do you always ask me?
I don't determine what people wear.
Do I take it that's a yes?
Can't you find a more religious tie?
You look very nice, Elizabeth.
Thank you, Richard.
You too. Very smart.
Casual would have been nice.
Richard!
Duty calls.
Frequently.
Yeah?
Buy something, sir, from a gypsy woman, and be lucky.
You be lucky. How about buying from me?
I'll bet your old man's got a lot more in his back pocket than I have.
I could let him have that old wreck in the garden.
Not there, I mean the car.
Buy something from the gypsy, missus, and be lucky.
I don't know whether I've got any change.
She hasn't. I'm able to tell you that because "a," I'm psychic,
and "b," I'm the one that goes through her pockets.
It's bad luck not to buy something.
What're you selling anyway?
Ribbons and lucky charms.
Just what I've always wanted.
Has she got any love potions,
or-- open razors?
Tell your fortune, lady.
She knows her fortune, she's been moaning about it all day.
Will you get out of the doorway, onslow?
Let the gypsy in.
- Where's she going? - I'm not standing out here
having my fortune told.
You're very fussy for someone who's about to commit suicide.
I can see you're troubled in love.
Oh right.
Makes you wonder how they do it.
It's bad luck not to buy something from a gypsy.
Bad luck?
When we live like this, how can you be scared of bad luck?
Now... I think when they come,
I'll sit you there, Elizabeth.
I'll have the vicar here, next to me, of course.
And we leave that one for the vicar's wife.
And Richard will sit next to her.
Right?
Oh! Sorry, vicar.
Now, topics of conversation.
Must keep everything wholesome.
Nothing controversial.
Richard, I think i'd have our holiday snaps at the ready.
And when they begin to pall, I shall regale the vicar
with tales of Sheridan's academic prowess.
I hope that's not a cancellation.
He may have been called away for a funeral.
How inconsiderate of people to die at the weekend.
The "bouquet" residence, the lady of the house sp--
no, you cannot have three of 22 and a portion of 19 with chips!
This is not the Chinese take-away.
This is a private, slimline, Pearl white telephone,
with no oriental associations whatsoever!
That was at middleton.
- Ah. - Wrong number.
The Chinese takeaway again.
We ought to change our number.
Change our number!
I've written to British telecom
insisting they change the Chinese number.
I've told them. I won't stand here listening
to people breathing soya sauce down the telephone.
- Oooh. - I think I heard a car.
Oh no.
You tell her.
Me? Tell Hyacinth?
Only two things wrong with that--
one, she never listens to anybody;
and two, she certainly never listens to me.
That means I'll have to tell her.
She's your sister.
She'll go mad.
That could be an improvement.
- They're coming in. - Of course they're coming in.
I want you to get that car
away from this property.
I want them and it out of the Avenue.
I just can't send them away.
I want them out of the way before the vicar comes.
Hyacinth, isn't that your doorbell?
Oh!
It does that sometimes.
It's part of a very expensive test system.
You have to see them, Hyacinth.
They can have two minutes on the doorstep!
Daisy, onslow, what a surprise.
How nice of you to call on the way to town.
- Let me walk you to the car. - We're not going to town.
Not going to town on such a pleasant Saturday?
Of course, I'd love you to stay,
but I'm expecting the new vicar for tea and light refreshments.
- You should have telephoned. - We tried to telephone,
- but you were engaged. - I was dealing with a wrong number.
Some damn fool thinks I'm a Chinese restaurant.
Tell her!
Tell me what?
- It's dad. - Daddy?
What's wrong with daddy?
Not a lot, apparently.
Be quiet, onslow.
Tell me what's wrong with daddy.
He's missing.
Missing? Of course he's not missing!
I expect he's just mislaid.
He's run off with a gypsy.
Keep your voice down!
How could he have run off with a gypsy?
On his bike for starters.
We had a gypsy at the house.
She was telling Rose her fortune.
When she left-- dad must have followed her.
Daddy with a golden earring.
It's unthinkable.
- Should we call the police? - No!
No police. We don't need any scandal.
- You must go and find him. - What's going on, Hyacinth?
Richard will go with you.
It's daddy. He's been kidnapped
by gypsies.
Now, rush to daddy's assistance.
I thought traditionally they only kidnapped children?
Bring daddy back to me, Richard.
As far as Daisy's, anyway.
- What is it, Hyacinth? - It's daddy.
He's been kidnapped by gypsies.
Oh my goodness!
We must ring the police!
No! No police.
We can't.
Daisy's wearing slippers, onslow's got bare arms.
Why would the gypsies kidnap your father?
I expect for ransom.
They'll be after my very expensive royal doulton China
with the hand-painted periwinkles.
Why would he run away with a gypsy?
Let's put it this way,
just hope you catch him before he gets married.
I thought he was in bed.
I could hear his telly.
How are you supposed to anticipate your own father
sneaking out under the cover of television in pursuit of a gypsy?
Has he always fancied the romany life?
He never said.
We're running dry.
Got any petrol money?
I didn't bring a purse.
Down to you, dicky.
I've changed my clothes.
I've left all my money at home.
Now...
I want you to sit here, vicar.
I've had many a religious inspiration on that sofa.
Oh!
And if your charming wife would like to sit here,
where she'll be within easy reach of my tasty, homemade canapes.
It's very kind of you to invite US, Mrs. Bucket.
It's "bouquet," vicar.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's of French origin.
I believe my husband's family in the distant past
were "huguenicks" or something.
Not that there's any French blood in him now of course.
You may rest assured, vicar, you're quite safe,
there are no French habits here.
Elizabeth, if you could pass round my royal doulton
with the hand-painted periwinkles?
Must I, Hyacinth? I'm terrified of dropping one.
It is lovely China, Mrs. Bucket.
Uh-- "bouquet!"
It is something of a family heirloom.
I-- look, I think it really would be better, Hyacinth,
- if we all helped ourselves. - Yes! We can do that.
Yes, jolly good idea.
I did have in mind something rather more orderly.
If the assembled company would please excuse me.
Something's just come up.
Oooh!
What are you doing back here?
Why did you bring them back here?
I want some petrol money. It's in my other suit.
Get them out of sight!
As soon as I get the money.
Why don't you-- get in the car, onslow?
I'm sure it's going to rain.
Yes, there it is. I can feel it now. Rain.
Can't feel a thing.
Any minute now-- there it is.
Rain.
If we can't find dad,
we'll have to ring the police.
I will not have this family involved with the police.
Hey, they're all right when you get to know them.
To know them!
Isn't that our Rose?
Oh my god.
- What are you doing in black? - I'm in mourning.
- Who for? - For me!
Nobody else will.
Mr. Hepplewhite doesn't care.
Rose, what are you doing here?
I've come for mommy's wedding dress!
- I've told you, you can't have-- - it won't fit you anyway.
It'll do to be buried in.
You can't go in there. The vicar's in there.
Oh great! He can read me the burial service!
Oh no!
Who's funeral is she going to?
Somebody she's very close to.
You can't just burst in. They're having tea and light refreshments.
You can't begrudge a person a vicar when they're on the brink of the grave!
You're not on the brink, you've hardly set foot in the cemetery.
Have you any idea of the love I bear for Mr. Hepplewhite?
You're dropping petals on my lacquered woodblock.
This is the last time I shall inconvenience you.
Don't try and stop me!
It's cruel to ask me to live with a broken heart!
Rose!
- He's very young! - You--
you never said he was young.
- Yeah, i-- Rose! - It's very wicked of you, Hyacinth.
- Keeping him all to yourself. - Rose!
The "bouquet" residence, the lady of the house--
oh, Sheridan, how wonderful to hear your voice, dear!
What a close psychic bond between you and I.
Why do you need ?50, dear?
Why do you want curtain material?
A flat? Whose flat?
Sheridan, you're not moving in with some designing female.
Oh, it's not a girl's flat, it's a boy's flat.
And you're making your own curtains? How inventive, dear.
Your friend always makes his own curtains. I see.
Don't worry.
- Bloody thing.
You shouldn't be muttering things like that, onslow.
Not with a vicar in the vicinity.
By all means send me a sample of his embroidery.
It's a lifeline finding someone you can confide in.
- Rose. Rose! - What a pity you don't do confessions.
You could have a ball with mine.
Rose, where are you going with the vicar?
Sheridan, dear, will you hold just a moment?
I'm sure she's not going at him. She just needs a shoulder to cry on.
She didn't look as though she was about to cry to me!
She was doing everything but bite his neck.
She's very emotional, dear.
Think of it as a hormone imbalance.
We do-- we always think of it as a hormone imbalance!
It's very kind of the vicar. He may have saved my sister from a desperate act!
Where's my husband? Which way did he go? Where's my husband?
- Really, I must stay. - Oh, by the way!
Dad's come back with a stack of ribbons and lucky charms.
Come on.
Where is he going? Where is she taking him?
- Where is he going? - He's probably better off down there
than listening to what onslow's saying.
Do feel free to pop in at any time, dear.
There'll always be a welcome for you at the "bouquets'."
What a disaster to my tea and light refreshments.
I could murder some light refreshments.
If it wasn't for Sheridan's good news,
I don't know what this day would have been.
Good news from Sheridan?
He's moved in with a very suitable friend.
They're making their own curtains.
Apparently his friend's very good with a needle.
He has prizes for embroidery.
You better come in and have some tea and light refreshments.
Onslow...
Before you come in,
just shift this wreck next door, will you, dear?
"Prizes for embroidery"?
Let's move the car, shall we, onslow?