Could that Stacy be any more of a little bitch.
Probs not!
Now all of those douchy cheerleaders cross to the other side of the hallway
when they see me coming.
That is so rude.
It’s like I’m in social quarantine, or something.
- Aw.
I have a fatal strain of nerd flu and you can catch it if you come near me.
Oh, please. What’s wrong with being a nerd? I’m a nerd. You used to love being a nerd!
Yeah, well that’s when I thought I was hot-nerd!
Hot nerd? What’s hot nerd?
You know, I thought I was the movie nerd who takes off her glasses, puts down her books
and — BAM! — She’s a sex-nerd!
-I’ve never been kissed…
But I’m not even hot-nerd. I’m Varsity Quiz Bowl nerd.
And you don’t even wear glasses. Ooohh, no!
Hey, c’mon kiddo.
You know, it’s the smart people of the world who always end up being the bad asses.
You know this.
Believe me, it gets better. It gets fatter, but it get’s better.
- Okay.
Shit, I’m late. And you’re gonna be late.
Crap, yeah.
Look, tomorrow we’re gonna go down to the mall, we’ll get you a pair of glasses just
for nerd transformation purposes. OK?
But right now I want you to get out of that seat,
march into that school and kick some Varsity Quiz Bowl ass!
Okay, Thanks, Corey.
Bring it in, kiddo.
Say hi to Nelson for me.
Will do.
Hey, got any Purell?
- What, why?
I’be been exposed to nerd flu.
Eff you, knob jockey!
Haha, atta girl!
So how was your check-up?
Well, Dr. Hu asked how my wife was -- again.
I told him you were fine.
Good, well he is a million years old,
and Chinese, so let’s give him a little slack for being old fashioned.
You lucked out, because he’s an amazing doctor.
I mean, you just chose him because his name is Dr. Hu and you are a sci-fi nerd.
And I take off my glasses, and I’m a SEX-nerd!
I’m gonna let that one go.
Anyway, what did he say about your health?
Well, it is now the opinion of the medical community that I am “obese.”
Their scale is clearly broken.
Was that an eye roll? At my fat roll?
Wanna see me tootsie roll? Cotton candy...
Corey, c’mon. This is your health. This is serious.
- I know. Dr. Hu said that I could have a heart attack by the time I’m forty if I don’t
radically change my life style.
- Uh huh.
And then he tied me to a chair and he forced me to watch Wheel of Fortune...
-That’s great.
And then I broke free, and took a huge dump on the floor and smeared it all over the walls-
because Wheel of Fortune is an unusual form of torture.
What is so much more important than me?!
No- don’t be so obvious!
What are you looking at?
-The cop.
Oh, well excuse me, I dropped my fork...
Uh... Wow! That is a hot cop.
I mean, “I’m guilty. I did it! And I’d do it again”—
Shhh! I like his beard and the way his hat sits on the back of his head
so he looks like Ralph Kramden.
Are you talking about the Jennie Craig before, or Jennie Craig after?
Okay, that is rude and inappropriate.
Officer O’Funions couldn’t chase down a rolling donut.
Though he would try. It is a donut and they’re delicious.
Are you really attracted to that guy? You think he’s hot?
Yeah, I do. C’mon- I like guys with a little meat on their bones, babe.
I’m into chubby guys.
- Shut it! Shut your mouth. You’re a jerk. You’re a jerk who’s not allowed to talk
to me about who he thinks is attractive ever again.
One large milkshake, and one seltzer.
Actually, I had the seltzer. But I can understand why you would make that mistake.
The chocolate shake is for the chubby chaser, not the chub.
Thank you so much. Please don’t mind him.
Have you decided?
Yeah, I would like a bowl of bacon,
and the bowl should be made of bacon,
and then I’m gonna need some cream… some deep fried sour cream chunks,
and a big jar of mayonnaise to dip it all into.
Gotta keep my figure for my hubby.
I think we’re gonna need a minute. Thank you.
What is wrong with you?
What’s wrong with me, what is wrong with you?
I just told you Dr. Hu said I could die before I’m forty and in the next breath you’re
drooling over Sheriff Shamu over there.
You’re just as much a fetish hound as those chicken
hawks and rice queens you make fun of all the time.
- It’s not a fetish, Corey. I’m naturally attracted to that type of person.
I like what I like, just like you like what you like.
God, Corey- I picked you because I love you and I think you’re beautiful..
...and fat. Beautiful and fat, and witty and fat, handsome and fat, Most importantly fat.
You would be attracted to a beach ball with a beard in a jockstrap.
- If it could dance and had a good credit score, absolutely.
Have you decided?
Yes, I would love the cheeseburger with fries, please.
I’ll have a large house salad.
With large fries.
And cheese.
And gravy.
Okay, nix the fries.
What’s her problem?
Corey- You’re the only guy for me,
I love you whether you’re gordo or flaco.
I love you because you’re you.
Sorry, could you repeat that?
- Which part?
Completely zoned out. Miranda- she texted me.
- Corey, you’re the only guy for me,
I love you whether you’re skinny or fat.
I love you because you’re you.
Aw, You made my enlarged heart skip a beat.
And I want you to be healthy, alright?
I want you around for a long, long time.
That’s sweet.
But, you know if you were as fat as me I’d leave you in a hot second.
- Oh yeah?
You know I’d never leave you.
Mmmm!
But don’t get fat.
(Music) I was feeling blue The phone it was ringing
My friends said, “He’s doggin’ you.”
Word was out all over town
My man had been sleeping around
He’s real thin But he likes ‘em plump
So I shoulda known Something was up
When he went to Weight Watchers Went to the meetings
While was at home alone Sitting and eating
Get your fat ass on the dancefloor I’m looking for a new chubby chaser ‘til
I just can’t dance any more Yeah, Get your fat ass on the dancefloor baby.
Well the scale is up, but I’m getting down
Until it’s late, I’ll be throwing my weight around.