[ CLOCK TICKING ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Click, dial tone ]
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> OHH.
>> [ GROANS ]
>> OH.
TAXI! MERCI BEAUCOUP.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> [ MUTTERS ]
[ SOBBING ] [ SIREN WAILS ] [ SIREN WAILING ]
[ BEEP ] >> Hi, Michael. It's Linda from
Manhattan Realty.
Congratulations on selling the
apartment.
Sorry we couldn't get your
asking price, but selling any
two-bedroom on the
Upper West Side in this market
is a victory.
You should feel great.
Good luck in your new place.
>> CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE, MISS? MISS, PLEASE?
EXCUSE ME.
CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE,
PLEASE, SIR?
>> SORRY, BRO.
>> I BET YOU ARE.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU CAN'T
SPARE NOT EVEN A QUARTER, RIGHT?
>> I'M $600,000 IN DEBT.
>> DAMN!
YOU WANT SOME STICKY RICE?
>> NO, THANKS.
>> EXCUSE ME.
I'M SO SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT,
UM, ARE YOU MICHAEL SHIVER?
>> YEAH.
>> OH, MY GOD.
I LOVED "FALL."
I MUST HAVE READ IT LIKE 10
TIMES MY SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH
SCHOOL.
>> THANKS.
>> WHY HAVEN'T YOU WRITTEN
ANOTHER BOOK SINCE?
>> I DID -- TWO, ACTUALLY.
>> OH. OKAY.
>> I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUT
I GOT TO -- I GOT TO GO, SO...
>> OKAY.
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THOSE
BOOKS.
DID THEY WIND UP TOGETHER IN THE
END?!
IT'S SO AMBIGUOUS.
IT ALWAYS KILLED ME.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> I THINK THEY DID.
>> THEN I GUESS THEY DID.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
>> ANSWER MY QUESTION! >> AND IF I WAS? AND IF I WAS? >> YOU KNOW WHAT?
DON'T YOU FUCKING PLAY WITH ME.
IF I FIND OUT YOU WAS FUCKING
MIGUEL, I'M GONNA CUT BOTH
Y'ALL'S FUCKING HEADS OFF.
NO, FUCK YOU!
>> WHAT ABOUT JOLISA, UH-HUH?
AND MARIE? WHAT ABOUT THEM?
>> THEM BITCHES DIDN'T MEAN SHIT
TO ME!
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> DON'T FUCK WITH ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I DON'T MIND GOING ON VACATION
AGAIN.
BITCH, CALL HIM!
CALL HIM, CALL HIM!
CALL HIM!
>> GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
[ SIREN WAILING ]
>> HOW IS YOUR NEW MANUSCRIPT SELLING, BY THE WAY? >> IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT.
PUBLISHERS ARE NOT INTERESTED.
THERE'S STILL A COUPLE MORE
WE'RE OUT TO, BUT...
[ SIGHS ] I'M JUST -- I'M JUST
OVER IT, OKAY?
I'M DONE.
IF THIS BOOK DOESN'T SELL...
I refuse to write the kinds of
books that the kinds of people
who buy books want to read.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
Oh, my God. I'm a genius.
>> WHAT?
>> COME TO PARIS!
I have a nice apartment in
Montmartre.
JUST COME.
YOU'LL GET A NEW PERSPECTIVE.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK TO PARIS
SINCE SARAH AND I BROKE UP.
>> OH, I MEAN, IT'S HIGH TIME
YOU EXORCISED YOUR DEMONS.
FOR GOD'S SAKES, MAN, THAT WAS,
WHAT, 15 YEARS AGO?
You'll be fine.
You're in a funk.
OKAY, MIKE, I'M SORRY, BUT I GOT
TO GO.
COME TO PARIS, OKAY?
Just come.
[ Click ]
>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] GOD'S PRESENCE HAS ALWAYS BEEN UNDENIABLE IN MY LIFE.
IT'S MY PRESENCE THAT HAS OFTEN
BEEN SUSPECT.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
>> MERCI.
[ SIGHS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ SMACKING NOISES ]
[ SIGHS ]
>> [ COUGHS ] [ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> MOM, MICHAEL'S HERE FROM
STATES.
>> WHAT'S THAT, CHéRI?
MICHAEL!
>> HEY, MAN.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
YOU CAME!
>> I DID. I DID. I CAME.
>> OH!
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> HE INVITED ME, AND I FIGURED
I'D SURPRISE YOU GUYS.
>> HE WAS DEPRESSED, SO I TOLD
HIM TO COME OVER.
HE'S STAYING AT MY FATHER'S
STUDIO.
>> HOW GREAT.
YOU CAN KEEP HIM COMPANY ON THE
NIGHTS I KICK HIM OUT OF THE
HOUSE.
[ LAUGHS ] JUST KIDDING.
HOW GREAT TO SEE YOU! OH!
>> IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
[ WATER RUNNING ]
[ WATER STOPS ] THIS PLACE IS AMAZING. >> YEAH.
MY FATHER BOUGHT IT IN THE '40s.
HE USED IT AS KIND OF AN OFFICE.
I'M GLAD YOU CAME.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY
GOOD FOR YOU.
>> [ SCOFFS ] I HOPE SO.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIREN WAILING ]
[ COUGHS ]
[ BUZZER SOUNDS ]
[ SNIFFS, SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT. SO...
YOU HAVE A LITTLE SHOP DOWN
THERE FOR FRUITS AND WATER.
>> OKAY.
>> SACRé-COEUR IS JUST UP THERE.
>> YEAH.
>> AND LAMARCK-CAULAINCOURT WILL
BE YOUR METRO.
YOU REMEMBER?
>> DOESN'T MATTER.
PARIS IS THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN
BE LOST AND FOUND AT THE SAME
TIME.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME,
CHARLES.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
>> IT'S A PLEASURE, BUDDY.
>> YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
>> HAVE FUN.
>> OKAY.
>> YOU TAKE CARE.
>> OKAY.
>> [ SPEAKING FRENCH ] [ SMOOCHES ]
>> [ SINGING IN FRENCH ]
>> OH! >> OH, OH, IT'S -- IT'S NOT MINE.
NO, BUT I DIDN'T DROP IT. >> GOD WANTS YOU TO HAVE IT. YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.
WELCOME TO PARIS.
YOU KNOW, I HATE TO ASK, BUT DO
YOU HAVE A FEW EUROS, I CAN GET
SOMETHING TO EAT?
>> YEAH. YEAH, SURE.
>> YOU'RE VERY KIND.
GOD PICKED THE RIGHT MAN TO
GRACE.
>> TAKE THIS -- BUT ALSO, TAKE
THE RING, TAKE THE RING.
>> NO, NO.
>> NO, YOU CAN -- YOU CAN SELL
IT.
>> NO!
>> TAKE IT.
>> THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU.
IT WAS AT YOUR FEET.
>> IT'S -- IT'S A LADY'S RING
ANYWAY.
>> WELL, THEN, GIVE IT TO A
LADY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> I WISH I HAD ONE TO GIVE IT
TO.
>> YOU WILL HAVE ONE SOON NOW.
>> [ SIGHS ] >> [ SPEAKING FRENCH ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ CONVERSING IN FRENCH ]
>> YOU'RE STRICT. HOW DO YOU SAY "YOU'RE STRICT" IN FRENCH -- "YOU'RE STRICT"?
>> MERCI. >> YOU'RE -- YOU'RE HARD. YOU'RE, LIKE -- YOU'RE STRICT
WITH THE LITTLE DOGGY.
IS THAT HOW YOU ARE WHEN YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, LIKE WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE, LIKE WITH A --
WITH A BOYFRIEND -- STRICT?
YOU DISCIPLINE HIM HARD LIKE
THAT?
>> [ LAUGHS ] >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO ME, BUT I COULD WATCH
YOU SAY IT FOREVER.
>> OKAY.
>> WAIT, WAIT. MA'AM. MA-- [ SIGHS ]
SO, HOW MUCH ARE THOSE ORANGES?
>> BONSOIR.
>> TRèS BIEN.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ GROANS ]
[ SCREAMS ] [ GROANING ] [ DOG BARKING ]
>> Shh!
Shh. Shh!
>> NO, NO, NO, NO!
OUI, OUI, OUI, OUI!
>> OKAY. >> NO, NO, NO! [ SHOUTING IN FRENCH ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> [ SPITTING ]
>> C'EST BIEN. >> NO, NO, NO, NO. AAH!
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
>> DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? >> DOWNSTAIRS. [ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> ENTRES.
>> I'M -- I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE.
>> IT'S POLITE TO SAY HELLO WHEN
YOU FIRST SEE SOMEONE.
>> OH, EXCUSE ME. HELLO.
I'M MICHAEL.
>> HELLO, MICHAEL.
I'M NATALIE.
HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> BIG, FANCY AMERICAN WRITER. YOU DON'T LOOK VERY FANCY NOW, DO YOU?
YOU LOOK PUNY AND SMALL.
YOU'RE PATHETIC.
YOU'RE LUCKY I WOULD PAY ANY
ATTENTION TO YOU AT ALL, EVEN TO
USE YOU FOR MY ENJOYMENT.
NO MONEY, NO CAREER, NO WOMAN.
YOU USED TO BE BELOVED, DIDN'T
YOU?
BUT NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR
BOOKS ANYMORE.
YOUR TIME IS PAST.
I WANT TO READ SOME FRESH, YOUNG
AUTHORS, NOT DELUDED,
SELF-OBSESSED NARCISSISTS.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
YOU THINKING YOUR LIFE IS
INTERESTING AND ANYONE ELSE
THINKING IT IS.
>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY, COUGHS ]
>> AND LET ME ASSURE YOU, NO ONE
DOES.
>> THERE YOU GO. >> MERCI, MICHAEL. >> HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO?
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> LIKE, HURTING SOMEBODY.
>> I WOULD NEVER INJURE SOMEONE
FOREVER.
I WOULDN'T CUT THEIR BALLS OFF,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.
ONLY PAIN, BUT IT GOES AWAY...
couple of days or so.
>> ARE THERE DOMINATRIXES THAT
WILL GO FARTHER?
>> OF COURSE.
>> LIKE...KILL SOMEONE?
>> NO. OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S NOT BDSM. THAT'S MURDER.
>> SO YOU NEVER HEARD OF ANYONE
LIKE THAT?
>> I HEARD OF ONE CRAZY GIRL
WHO WOULD DO THIS.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S TRUE.
>> REALLY? WOW.
>> YEAH.
[ BEEP ]
>> Hi, Michael. It's Charles.
Hope you're comfortable.
Caroline and the kids want To
make sure you're coming for
Christmas.
No excuses.
See you then.
>> END OF NEW MESSAGES.
TO LISTEN TO YOUR MESSAGES,
PRESS 1.
TO SEND A MESSAGE, PRESS...
>> [ SPEAKING FRENCH ] >> BONJOUR! >> [ SIGHS ] BONJOUR.
>> BONJOUR.
>> BONJOUR, BONJOUR.
LOOK, I'M -- I'M SORRY.
I'M REALLY LATE.
DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE THE BIKE?
PLEASE.
>> YOU'RE -- YOU DIDN'T -- I
DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER.
WE -- WE MET LAST NIGHT IN THIS
LITTLE BODEGA -- THE ORANGE
STORE.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I REMEMBER.
>> YOU HAD THE LITTLE DOG.
>> MM-HMM.
>> YEAH.
YOU -- YOU DIDN'T -- YOU
DIDN'T -- I DON'T -- I'M NOT --
I WAS JET-LAGGED. I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER YOU REALLY
SPEAKING ENGLISH AT ALL,
CERTAINLY NOT THIS WELL.
DID YOU -- DID YOU?
>> SO, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO DO
WITH THE BIKE?
>> [ SIGHS ]
I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.
JUST GET IN THE BASKET.
I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT.
[ BELL RINGS ]
SO, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I'M MICHAEL.
WHY DON'T WE CANCEL OUR PLANS
AND JUST GO HAVE DINNER?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
COME ON.
IT'S THE FUN OF BEING BIG.
WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT.
>> YEAH, BUT WE HAVE TO DEAL
WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.
>> OH, COME ON.
IF YOUR FRIENDS ARE GOOD
FRIENDS, THEY'RE GONNA BE MORE
EXCITED ABOUT THIS GREAT STORY
OF OUR FIRST DATE THAN PISSED
OFF THAT YOU CANCELED AT THE
LAST MINUTE.
I MEAN, WHO CARES?
>> HOW'D YOU KNOW I'M MEETING
FRIENDS?
>> ARE YOU MEETING YOUR
BOYFRIEND?
>> WHY WOULD I TELL YOU?
YOU'RE A STRANGER.
>> YEAH, WHO YOU'RE RIDING IN
THE BASKET OF YOUR BICYCLE LIKE
FUCKING JULIE ANDREWS IN
"THE SOUND OF MUSIC" OR SOME
SHIT.
YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
>> WHY NOT?
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE SMILING.
JUST A LITTLE, BUT YOU'RE
SMILING.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> YES, YOU ARE.
>> GRIMACING A BIT, MAYBE.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> OKAY.
SO, WALK TWO BLOCKS THAT WAY --
>> TWO BLOCKS UP THERE?
>> YEAH.
AND YOU'LL FIND THE STREET.
>> WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
LET ME CALL YOU.
>> AU REVOIR.
>> NO, COME ON.
LET ME CALL YOU.
>> AU REVOIR.
>> COME ON, IT'S HARD TO MEET
PEOPLE YOU LIKE.
>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> COME ON!
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?!
>> [ SOBS ] >> [ MOANS ]
>> BONJOUR. >> BONJOUR. >> LISTEN.
I THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE
THAT YOU HAVE A LITTLE CRUSH ON
ME, BUT I THINK AT THIS POINT,
I MEAN, YOU SHOULD JUST SUMMON
THE COURAGE TO ASK ME OUT ON A
PROPER DATE.
COME ON.
STALKING ME -- IT'S REALLY NOT
COOL.
HOW DO YOU SAY "STALKING ME IS
REALLY NOT COOL" IN FRENCH?
>> WHAT'S "HEADSTAND" CALLED IN
SANSKRIT?
>> CAN I -- CAN I JUST -- THIS
IS THE ONLY SPACE.
CAN I -- DO YOU MIND?
IS THERE ROOM HERE?
TOOK CARE OF MY SPACE.
I MEAN, I CAN TALK TO YOU ABOUT
THAT.
[ COUGHS ]
I'M SORRY. WHAT DID YOU SAY?
>> [ SIGHS ]
WHAT'S "HEADSTAND" CALLED IN
SANSKRIT?
>> WHY?
>> 'CAUSE I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU
COME TO YOGA TO PICK UP GIRLS OR
TO PRACTICE YOGA.
WELL, "YOGA" MEANS "UNION WITH
GOD," RIGHT?
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY
GREATER CLOSENESS BETWEEN MAN
AND HIS CREATOR THAN THE LOVE
BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN.
SO I COME TO YOGA TO PRACTICE
YOGA, WHETHER I MEET A WOMAN OR
NOT.
>> GOTCHA.
>> AND SIRSASANA IS MY FAVORITE
POSITION.
YOU?
>> I HATE IT.
I DON'T LIKE BEING UPSIDE DOWN.
>> REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S FUNNY.
IT'S THE PLACE WHERE I FEEL LIKE
THINGS MAKE THE MOST SENSE.
LISTEN.
JUST SO MY ENTIRE CONCENTRATION
ISN'T COMPLETELY DISTRACTED
EVERY OTHER BREATH THROUGHOUT
CLASS, WONDERING WHETHER YOU'RE
EVER GONNA GO OUT WITH ME, I'M
JUST GONNA ASK, ONCE AGAIN,
RIGHT BEFORE CLASS STARTS.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
>> IS THAT A "YES"?
>> NO.
>> COME ON. REALLY?
>> MAYBE.
>> WHAT'S THE DETERMINING FACTOR
GONNA BE?
>> HOW GOOD YOUR HEADSTAND IS.
>> All: OM.
>> OM.
[ WATER RUNNING ]
SO, WHAT'S THE VERDICT?
>> A WALK.
>> LIKE A PRE-DATE, DETERMINING
WALK, OR A WALK THAT'S A DATE?
>> A WALK THAT'S A WALK.
>> I LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THINGS ARE. >> THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A
DATE IN FRANCE ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW, WE DON'T LABEL THINGS.
WE JUST SPEND TIME TOGETHER AND
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
MAN, THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT.
YOU'RE A WOMAN, SO I DON'T GIVE
A FUCK WHERE YOU'RE FROM.
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE EXPECTATIONS
AND YOU HAVE RULES AND YOU HAVE
AN AGENDA, OKAY?
TO SAY THAT YOU DON'T IS A GAME
AT BEST AND A LIE AT WORST.
>> YOU'RE SO AMERICAN.
>> REALLY?
OKAY, WELL, IF "AMERICAN" MEANS
"STRAIGHTFORWARD AND HONEST,"
THEN SURE, I'M AMERICAN.
>> I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU
AMERICANS TO UNDERSTAND, BUT
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU
WANT, DO YOU?
>> RARELY.
>> YOU RARELY DON'T GET WHAT YOU
WANT?
>> YEAH.
>> SO EVEN THOUGH YOU USUALLY
GET WHAT YOU WANT, WHEN YOU
DON'T, YOU'RE ABLE TO ACCEPT IT
WITH GRACE?
>> DO YOU THINK?
>> WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING A
DEFINITION FOR THE WALK, AND YOU
SEEM TO BE DOING PRETTY WELL
WITH THE UNCERTAINTY.
>> THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I'M USED
TO IT WITH YOU NOW, SO IT'S JUST
BECOME KIND OF MADDENINGLY
LOVELY.
>> OH, THE OTHER TIMES WHEN I
WOULDN'T CONFIRM OR DENY IF I
WOULD GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU
BEFORE YOGA STARTED?
>> EXACTLY.
>> YOU KNOW ME SO WELL.
ALL THE MYSTERY'S GONE.
>> THANK GOD FOR THAT AT LEAST.
>> SO NO PRIVATE INFORMATION?
>> NO, SURE, YOU CAN HAVE
PRIVATE INFORMATION.
JUST NOT IF IT CONCERNS THINKING
I'M COOL...
OR NOT, APPARENTLY, IN YOUR
CASE.
>> NO, NO. YOU'RE COOL.
>> WELL, THANK YOU.
SO ARE YOU.
>> THANKS.
>> SO, LISTEN.
CAN WE UPGRADE THIS WALK THAT'S
A WALK TO A WALK THAT'S A DATE
NOW, PLEASE?
>> NO.
>> OH, COME ON. WHY NOT?
>> 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT THAT COOL.
>> DEPENDING ON THE DAY, THAT
WOULD GUT ME.
>> OH. AND ON THIS DAY?
>> PINPRICK.
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I JUST CAME
FROM YOGA, SO I'M FREE FROM ALL
ATTACHMENTS.
>> WELL, GOOD.
I'LL SLEEP EASIER KNOWING.
>> SO MUCH SO THAT I'M EVEN
WILLING TO DO YOUR WHOLE "IN
FRANCE, WE DON'T DATE.
WE JUST HANG OUT AND SEE WHAT
HAPPENS" THING?
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
>> AU REVOIR.
>> OH, COME ON!
>> HEY, COME ON.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
HEY, HEY!
THERE'S SOMETHING I'M GONNA TELL
YOU ONE DAY THAT I THOUGHT WHEN
I FIRST SAW YOU.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> YOU'LL SEE.
I LIED. IT WAS ALWAYS DEVASTATING, ALWAYS A CRUCIFIXION.
WHAT WOMEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
IS THE WEIGHT OF HAVING TO BE
THE CONSTANT PURSUER AND THE
PAIN OF EVERY DEATH WHEN IT'S A
"NO."
>> YOU HAVE ONE NEW MESSAGE. >> Hey, Michael. It's Josh. Bad news, man.
We got six more passes on your
new manuscript.
Sorry to leave it on your
machine, but I knew you'd want
to know ASAP.
We're still out to two last
publishers.
All we need is one.
[ Click ]
>> BONJOUR. >> BONJOUR. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HAND JOB, BLOWJOB, SEX?
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> VERONICA.
>> HI, VERONICA. I'M MICHAEL.
>> HELLO, MICHAEL.
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
>> WHAT DO I WANT?
UM...
HOW MUCH FOR A HAND JOB?
>> $300. >> BECAUSE I HAVE A-A COOL LEATHER JACKET, YOU'RE GONNA
CHARGE ME 300 BUCKS FOR A
HAND JOB?
>> ACTUALLY, YOU HAVE A BUTTON
MISSING.
IT WAS A DISCOUNT.
[ LAUGHS ] [ SPEAKS FRENCH ] HEY, I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
COME ON.
$250, BECAUSE OF YOUR "COOL
SNEAKERS."
[ LAUGHS ]
>> YOU CAN ASK FOR MERCY, AND IF I FEEL LIKE GIVING IT, YOU MAY GET SOME.
BUT YOU NEED TO TRUST THAT I
KNOW BETTER THAN YOU WHAT YOU
NEED.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
>> HELLO. >> Michael Shiver? >> SPEAKING.
>> I'm Sherry Ann with
Card Services.
I'm calling about your past-due
account with us.
>> HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
>> Well, you have three accounts
with us for a total of
$427,654.89.
They all are 90 days late.
Can you make a payment now?
>> I'M SORRY.
I JUST REALLY CAN'T.
I'M JUST IN A -- IN A VERY BAD
WAY FINANCIALLY RIGHT NOW.
>> Oh, I understand.
Well, I could enroll you in the
payment-protection plan, and
then you wouldn't have to pay
anything for three months.
Would that help?
>> YEAH. THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.
IF YOU COULD DO THAT.
I'D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.
>> Let me just see.
Let me do that for you right
now.
>> OKAY. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS.
>> No, it is my pleasure.
All right. You're all set.
You take care, now.
>> THANK YOU.
HAVE A NICE NIGHT.
>> Bye.
>> BYE.
[ SOBBING ]
>> YOU STILL SAY YOU DON'T COME TO YOGA TO PICK UP GIRLS? CRYING NOW, EVEN?
>> [ SCOFFS ]
THE VOICE OF SATAN IS
UNMISTAKABLE, EVEN WITH A FRENCH
ACCENT.
>> IT'S SO WEIRD TO SEE A GUY
CRY IN PUBLIC.
YOU KNOW, WITH WOMAN, IT'S
FAMILIAR, ALMOST EXPECTED.
YOU SEE A WOMAN CRY IN YOGA, YOU
WANT TO GIVE HER A HANDKERCHIEF.
YOU SEE A GUY CRY IN YOGA, YOU
WANT TO CALL THE POLICE.
>> I'M CRYING ON THE FLOOR OF A
FOREIGN COUNTRY, AND YOU'RE
SAYING IT'S AN ACT TO PICK UP
CHICKS?
DOES YOUR EVIL KNOW NO BOUNDS?
>> I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN UP
WHATEVER WAS MAKING YOU SAD.
I GUESS IT WASN'T THE RIGHT
ANGLE TO TAKE.
I APOLOGIZE.
>> All: OM.
>> OKAY.
[ ALL INHALE SHARPLY ]
>> All: OM.
>> YOU STILL HAVE TWO HOURS TO
ASK ME OUT ON A DATE AGAIN.
>> NO. I'M DONE WITH ALL THAT.
>> WHY?
>> 'CAUSE I'M DECREPIT AND MY
LIFE'S OVER.
>> COME ON. JUST ONE MORE TRY.
>> NO, IF WE'RE GOING OUT,
YOU'RE DOING THE ASKING.
>> FUCK YOU.
>> YES.
>> All: OM.
>> SO, WHAT WERE YOU CRYING ABOUT? >> [ SIGHS ] OH, GOD.
DEAR, SWEET JESUS.
WHY WAS I CRYING IN YOGA?
>> MERCI.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FEELING...
REALLY, REALLY DOWN AND JUST
SOME RANDOM PERSON FROM, LIKE,
THE ODDEST PLACE IS KIND TO YOU,
AND YOU JUST -- JUST LOSE IT?
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THIS -- THIS, UH, LIKE
BILL-COLLECTOR LADY FROM THE
MIDWEST WAS KIND TO ME.
I'M SORRY.
WAS THAT TOO, UH, TOUCHY-FEELY
OR SOMETHING?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
>> YOU ASKED.
>> NO. I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.
NO, NO.
IT'S -- IT'S GOOD FOR ME TO
PRACTICE BEING A GIRL SOMETIMES,
YOU KNOW, LIKE SHARING EMOTIONAL
THINGS AND LISTENING, BEING
SYMPATHETIC, YOU KNOW?
>> IS THAT HARD FOR YOU?
>> THAT WAS ENOUGH PRACTICING
FOR ONE NIGHT.
>> OH, COME ON. MAN UP.
>> JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.
THAT'S IT.
>> OKAY.
WHAT ARE THE TOP FIVE DEAL
BREAKERS FOR THE GUYS THAT YOU,
YOU KNOW, NON-DATE DATE?
>> YOU NEED TO BE FUNNY.
>> OKAY.
>> SMART.
>> YEAH.
>> NOT A DRUG ADDICT OR
ALCOHOLIC OR --
>> YEAH.
>> HMM...A BIG HEART.
AND NOT JUDGMENTAL.
>> LIKE REPUBLICAN JUDGMENTAL?
>> NO, LIKE DOESN'T EVEN JUDGE
REPUBLICANS NOT JUDGMENTAL.
>> OKAY.
BUDDHA.
>> BUT I DON'T -- I DON'T GO OUT
WITH TOO MANY MEN.
>> REALLY?
>> MNH-MNH.
>> WHY NOT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I'M -- I'M MORE LIKE A
GUY.
YOU KNOW, I WANT SEX, I HAVE IT.
AND I NEED A FRIEND, IT'S
DIFFERENT.
>> DO YOU NOT WANT LOVE IN YOUR
LIFE?
>> OKAY, THAT WAS ENOUGH
QUESTIONS FOR ME.
>> COME ON.
>> NO, NO, YOU. YOUR GIRL.
I'M A LITTLE AFRAID TO ASK, BUT,
YOU KNOW --
>> WHY?!
>> SHE NEEDS TO BE FUNNY.
>> YEAH. ABSOLUTELY.
>> MM-HMM.
>> SMART, WITTY, LIKE, FROM
NEW YORK.
SHE NEEDS TO NOT BE A PRUDE.
>> REALLY?
>> MM-HMM.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A
FREAK OR ANYTHING, BUT CERTAINLY
NOT MISSIONARY WITH THE LIGHTS
OFF.
>> NOT ONLY DOES IT HAVE TO BE
MISSIONARY WITH THE LIGHTS OFF,
BUT I LIKE TO HAVE PRETTY MUCH
NO HUMAN CONTACT WHATSOEVER.
SO I FIND IF YOU CUT A HOLE IN
THE SHEETS, LIKE THE QUAKERS DO
OR WHATEVER, YOU CAN ALMOST DO
IT WITHOUT ANY FEELING OR
TOUCHING AT ALL.
>> GREAT.
>> YEAH. IT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> PERFECT.
AND?
>> NO CATS.
>> OKAY.
>> NO LOOKING AT ME AND SMILING
LOVINGLY WHILE I'M EATING.
>> WHAT?
>> YOU CAN'T LOOK AT ME AND
SMILE LOVINGLY AT ME WHEN I'M
EATING.
>> AND NO TOUCHING MY LEG WITH
YOUR FOOT OR ANYTHING WHILE I'M
EATING.
>> CAN I -- CAN I LOOK AT YOU
AND SMILE LOVINGLY WHEN YOU'RE
NOT EATING?
>> YEAH.
>> AND TOUCH YOUR LEG WITH MY
FEET?
>> YEAH. I WOULD LIKE THAT.
>> YOU'RE KIND OF NUTS, AREN'T YOU? >> OKAY.
I'M GONNA SAY THIS ONE TIME AND
ONE TIME ONLY, OKAY, SO YOU NEED
TO LISTEN REALLY, REALLY
CAREFULLY.
OKAY?
>> MM-HMM.
>> OKAY.
I AM THE MOST SANE MAN THAT YOU
NOW KNOW OR WILL EVER MEET IN
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
>> OKAY.
>> NOW, I REALIZE THAT THE
SIMPLE FACT THAT I WOULD EVEN
SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YOU
IN YOUR MIND NOT ONLY DOESN'T
QUASH, BUT, IN FACT, AMPLIFIES
YOUR HYPOTHESIS THAT I AM INDEED
CRAZY.
BUT IT DOES NOT.
OKAY, BECAUSE UNDERNEATH ALL OF
THE "CAN'T LOOK AT ME AND SMILE
LOVINGLY WHILE I EAT," BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, IS THE
MOST HONEST, GROUNDED PERSON
THAT YOU WILL EVER KNOW.
[ INHALES SHARPLY ] YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT. >> I THOUGHT SO. [ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
>> I LOVE THE COLD. DO YOU LOVE THE COLD? >> MM-HMM.
>> YEAH?
AND THAT THING.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING IN THE
WORLD.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN UP IT?
>> NO.
>> SHALL WE GO UP IT NOW?
>> NO.
I'M -- I'M GONNA GO HOME NOW.
>> COME ON. REALLY?
>> NO. IT'S LATE.
>> GET FARTHER AWAY.
>> WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
>> I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING.
I CAN'T SEE.
>> WHY DON'T YOU WEAR YOUR
GLASSES?
>> I DON'T NEED GLASSES.
BACK UP A STEP.
>> CAN YOU SEE ME NOW? >> PERFECTLY. >> NOW?
>> YOU HAVE REALLY PRETTY EYES.
>> THANKS.
HOW ABOUT NOW? >> I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE.
BUT IN THE DICTIONARY UNDER
"SMITTEN," SHOULD BE HOW YOU
SMELL.
>> YOU MUST REALLY LIKE ME IF
YOU'RE NOT GONNA KISS ME ON THE
FIRST DATE.
>> CORRECT.
>> SHUCKS.
IF WE'D HATED EACH OTHER, WE
COULD HAVE FUCKED IN THE
BATHROOM OF THE RESTAURANT.
>> YOU REALLY ARE LIKE A BOY.
>> TOLD YA.
>> WANT TO GO OUT TOMORROW
NIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> GOOD.
IF YOU DON'T SUDDENLY BECOME NOT
YOU, I'M GONNA BE IN LOVE WITH
YOU BY CHRISTMAS.
YOU KNOW, JUST FOR A TIME LINE.
YOU BETTER GO NOW, OR I'M GONNA
HAVE A HARD TIME REMAINING A
GENTLEMAN.
>> I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
YOU KNOW, MY ENGLISH WORDS ARE
NOT THAT GOOD.
>> ANYONE WHO KNOWS THE WORD
"SHUCKS" HAS GOOD ENOUGH ENGLISH
WORDS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
SCRAM.
>> SCRAM -- NOW, THAT'S A WORD I
LIKE.
[ SIGHS ]
>> YOU'RE IN PARIS NOW. EVERYTHING IS FASHION. >> YEAH. YOU THINK?
EVEN THE HOOKERS SHAME YOU FOR
YOUR OUTFIT HERE.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
AND...
THE FINAL TOUCH.
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> GORGEOUS.
WELL, YOU WILL WOO HER FOR SURE.
YOU'RE COMING OVER FOR
CHRISTMAS, YES?
>> YEAH.
>> AND BRING THE GIRL.
WE'RE DYING TO MEET HER.
>> LET'S -- LET'S SEE WHAT
HAPPENS, OKAY?
>> [ SMOOCHES ]
>> [ SPEAKS FRENCH ] >> NO, NO!
WHOA, NO, NO.
GIVE THAT BACK.
GIVE THAT MONEY BACK!
NO, TAKE THIS.
TAKE THIS BACK.
DON'T DO THIS TO PEOPLE.
NO, NO.
NO, SHE DOES THIS ALL THE TIME.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> IT'S A CON. DON'T WORRY.
DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE.
GO, GO!
>> [ HISSING ]
>> BONJOUR, BONJOUR. I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE. I WAS SAVING THESE OLD PEOPLE
FROM GETTING SWINDLED BY
GYPSIES.
>> PALM READING?
>> NO, NO.
SHE PRETENDS TO FIND THIS RING
AT YOUR FEET.
>> OH. THE LOST RING.
>> WHAT, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
>> MM-HMM.
>> SHE DID THE EXACT SAME THING
TO ME THREE NIGHTS AGO.
>> YOU DIDN'T GIVE HER MONEY?
AW.
>> WHAT? IT WAS MY FIRST NIGHT
IN PARIS, OKAY?
MY STREET SKILLS WERE A LITTLE
JET-LAGGED OR WHATEVER.
I-I'M IN ROMANTIC PARIS ON THIS
MAGICAL BRIDGE, AND THIS SWEET,
LITTLE LADY GIVES ME THIS, LIKE,
GRACED RING THAT GOD LAID AT MY
FEET FOR MY BRIDE-TO-BE, OKAY?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> I FUCKING GAVE HER SOME
MONEY.
LISTEN, IT'S NOT FUNNY.
SO, AFTER I SAVED THE PEOPLE,
THEN TOLD THE LADY TO FUCK OFF
AND NEVER DO THAT ANYMORE...
>> MM-HMM?
>> ...SHE STARTED SCREAMING AT
ME AND DOING THIS WEIRD, LIKE...
[ HISSING ]
...AT ME.
AND THEN SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS
WATCHING ME.
SO YOU DON'T THINK, LIKE, THAT
SHE'S GONNA GET, LIKE, THE GYPSY
MEN TO COME STAB ME IN THE ASS
OR SOMETHING, LIKE, WHEN I'M
WALKING DOWN THE ST--
>> NO.
>> BUT SHE SAID SHE WAS WATCHING
ME, LIKE SHE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE.
>> SHE SPOKE ENGLISH?
>> NO.
>> THEN HOW --
>> SHE DID THIS THING WITH --
WITH HER THING, LIKE THIS.
SHE WENT LIKE, "I'M WATCHING
YOU.
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE."
>> THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S
WATCHING YOU.
THAT MEANS SHE PUTS A CURSE ON
YOU.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
>> YEAH. THEY'RE HARMLESS.
>> THAT'S A CURSE?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT SOME
GYPSY CLAN'S GONNA COME GET ME
WHEN I'M NOT WATCHING?
>> JUST A CURSE.
>> OH, WELL, FINE.
I COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT A
CURSE.
CURSE, SCHMURSE.
I EAT CURSES FOR BREAKFAST.
JUST AS LONG AS SHE'S NOT GONNA
COME CUT MY THROAT IN THE NIGHT,
I CAN...
>> BUT YOU NEED TO STOP
PANTOMIMING AT FRENCH WOMEN.
YOU SEE?
YOU KEEP GETTING IN TROUBLE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SHE PANTOMIMED ME.
>> YEAH, SURE.
>> WHAT?!
WHAT -- WHAT FRENCH WOMEN AM
I -- HAVE I BEEN PANTOMIMING?
>> ME, THE FIRST TIME WE MET AT
THE ORANGE STORE.
>> WHAT DID I PANTOMIME YOU?!
>> YOU ASKED IF I WAS STRICT
WITH MY BOYFRIENDS LIKE I AM
WITH MY DOG, AND YOU WENT -- YOU
THOUGHT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND, SO
YOU WENT -- YOU WENT LIKE THIS.
AS IF THAT'S THE UNIVERSAL SIGNS
FOR BEING STRICT WITH ONE'S
LOVER.
>> OKAY, WELL, IF YOU HADN'T OF,
YOU KNOW, PRETENDED NOT TO SPEAK
ENGLISH AND JUST WENT OUT TO
MOCK AND RIDICULE INNOCENT
GENTLEMAN SUITORS --
>> INNOCENT?
>> YEAH, I WAS AN INNOCENT
GENTLEMAN SUITOR.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU DO LOOK LIKE A GENTLEMAN
TODAY.
DO YOU HAVE A HOT DATE?
>> I DID HAVE ONE, AND THEN I
CANCELED ABOUT FUCKING 10
SECONDS AGO.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
NO, YOU LOOK NICE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> THE SUIT SUITS YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> CAN YOU SAY THAT?
>> YEAH.
>> "THE SUIT SUITS YOU"?
>> YEAH. THE SUIT SUITS YOU.
>> NO, BUT WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
WELL, NORMALLY, YOU WOULD SAY
SOMETHING LIKE, YOU KNOW, "YOU
LOOK GOOD IN A SUIT," OR, "YOU
WEAR THAT SUIT WELL."
>> BUT NOT "THE SUIT SUITS YOU"?
>> NO, I-I LIKE "THE SUIT SUITS
YOU."
I THINK YOU SHOULD STICK WITH
THAT.
>> NO, I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT.
DON'T MAKE ME STUPID.
>> WHAT? SOPHIE! WHAT?
COME ON. YOU'RE NOT REALLY MAD.
>> YES, I'M MAD!
I DON'T LIKE THAT!
DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME LIKE
THAT!
I'M -- I'M NOT SOME FRENCH DOLL
FOR YOU TO PLAY WITH!
IT'S NOT CORRECT TO SAY IT THIS
WAY, AND I DON'T WANT TO SOUND
LIKE AN IDIOT!
>> I'M -- I'M SORRY.
SOPHIE, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
IT WAS SWEET HOW YOU SAID IT.
I'M SORRY.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
>> SO...
I THOUGHT WE -- WE COULD GET A
BUNCH OF STUFF FROM THE MARKET
AND GO TO MY PLACE.
>> THAT SOUNDS PERFECT.
OH, GOD.
IT'S LIKE CLOSED, EXCEPT FOR THE
CHEESE.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> THE CHEESE LADY IS STILL
HERE.
THANK -- I LOVE CHEESE.
>> YOU LIKE CHEESE?
>> LET'S JUST HAVE A -- WE'LL
JUST HAVE A CHEESE DINNER.
WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ALL THIS
OTHER -- WE'LL JUST HAVE ONLY
CHEESE, AND THEN WE'LL RATE IT.
I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT OUR
CHEESE CONTEST, I GOT TO TELL
YOU.
ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT IT?
>> YEAH, I'M EXCITED.
>> SO, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?
>> I-I TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE WHO
ARE DYING.
>> GOD. THAT'S INTENSE.
[ Sighing ] OH, MAN.
YOU TAKING CARE OF ANYONE NOW?
>> A LITTLE GIRL.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH, IT'S -- IT'S THE FIRST
TIME IT HAPPENS LIKE THAT.
USUALLY, IT'S, UH, OLD PEOPLE
WHO HAVE LIVED A NICE, LONG
LIFE, YOU KNOW, SO SOMEHOW
IT'S -- IT'S A BIT MORE
MANAGEABLE FOR ME.
>> HOW OLD IS SHE?
>> 13. SHE HAS LEUKEMIA.
>> IS THERE ANY CHANCE SHE CAN
GET BETTER?
>> NO. SHE'LL DIE SOON.
>> HOW LONG DOES SHE HAVE TO
LIVE?
>> IT'S HARD TO SAY.
SHE MIGHT BE WAITING FOR
CHRISTMAS SINCE SHE'S A KID, OR
TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER FAMILY, OR
BOTH.
>> GOD, THAT'S SO AWFUL.
>> YEAH.
SHE REMINDS ME OF ME WHEN I WAS
HER AGE.
>> REALLY? HOW SO?
>> I DON'T KNOW. SHE JUST DOES.
SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> NOTHING NEARLY THAT
IMPORTANT.
>> AW, COME ON.
EVERYTHING'S IMPORTANT.
WITHOUT A PLUMBER, WHERE WOULD
WE GO TO THE BATHROOM?
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> GOOD CALL.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
>> I WRITE BOOKS.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT BOOKS?
>> UH, THE FIRST ONE WAS CALLED
"THE BLAMELESS," WHICH CAME OUT
IN 1986, BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
>> I WAS BORN IN '85, THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> IS IT WEIRD AT ALL FOR YOU TO
GO OUT WITH SOMEBODY 15 YEARS
OLDER THAN YOU?
>> NO.
>> BECAUSE OF -- YOU'RE FRENCH?
>> NO. BECAUSE FATHER ISSUES.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
OH, SO IT'S EXACTLY LIKE
AMERICA?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> PERFECT.
WELL, THAT'S COMFORTING KNOWING.
>> DO YOU USUALLY DATE WOMEN MY
AGE?
>> UH, NO.
USUALLY A LITTLE OLDER.
>> THEN IT'S WEIRD FOR YOU?
>> NO.
NO, AS LONG AS YOU CAN NAME
THREE BEATLE ALBUMS, KNOW WHAT
AN ALBUM IS, AND ARE A GOOD
KISSER, THEN I THINK WE HAVE AN
EXCELLENT SHOT AT HAPPILY EVER
AFTER.
>> AND I STILL CAN'T LOOK AT YOU
AND SMILE AND TOUCH YOU, LIKE,
WHILE YOU EAT, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S UNIVERSAL.
YOU CAN NEVER DO THAT.
>> RIGHT.
>> OKAY. GO.
COME ON.
>> [ SIGHS ]
"ABBEY ROAD," "REVOLVER," AND
"THE WHITE ALBUM," WHICH IS A
BIG, ROUND, VINYL THING WHICH
COMES IN A BIG, FLAT, SQUARE BOX
WITH A PRINTED PICTURE IN IT.
OR IT CAN JUST BE WHITE.
>> VERY GOOD.
>> AND AT THIS RATE, THE KISSING
YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER FIND OUT
ABOUT.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] OH...
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
OH, YOU SEE THAT BUILDING?!
IT USED TO BE AN OLD MOVIE
THEATER THAT ONLY SHOWED OLD
AMERICAN FILMS.
>> REALLY?
>> YOU KNOW, LIKE THE -- THE
CHARLTON HESTON MOVIES.
>> CHARLTON HESTON MOVIES?
>> YEAH, THE...
CHARL-- YOU KNOW,
CHARLTON HESTON.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> WELL, CHARLTON HESTON WAS
THIS EXTREMELY KIND OF TOUGH,
MACHO, LEADING-MAN ACTOR.
HE PLAYED MOSES IN
"THE TEN COMMANDMENTS."
HE, LIKE, PARTED THE RED SEA.
I-I DON'T THINK HE -- HE REALLY
DANCED LIKE THAT IN MOVIES.
I COULD BE WRONG, BUT -- YOU
SURE IT WAS --
>> OKAY, SO, UH, WHAT WERE,
UM -- WHAT WAS THE DANCE IN THE
'30s?
YOU KNOW, THE -- WASN'T IT THE
CHARLTON HESTON?
>> OH, OH, DO -- DO YOU MEAN THE
CHARLESTON?
>> YEAH, RIGHT. THE CHARLESTON.
>> OKAY, SO THAT'S THE MOVIE
THEATER THAT SHOWS MOVIES WHERE
THEY DANCE THE CHARLESTON, NOT
CHARLTON HESTON MOVIES.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHAT?
>> I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!
>> DO WHAT?
>> TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID!
>> OH, COME ON.
YOU MADE A JOKE ABOUT THE
CHARLTON HESTON CHARLESTON.
YOU -- YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT ME
FOR THAT.
>> I DIDN'T MAKE A JOKE!
I MAKE A MISTAKE!
YOU LAUGH ONCE, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT ALL THE
TIME!
>> OKAY, I'M SORRY.
>> I WANT YOU TO GO NOW!
>> COME ON.
>> DON'T EVER TOUCH ME LIKE
THAT.
[ LAUGHS ] >> OH, GOD. OH, FUCK ME. FUCK ME.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
WHERE'S THE CHEESE?
IT'S TIME TO RATE THEM. YOU GO FIRST. >> OKAY, SO, HOW DO YOU WANT TO
DO THIS?
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> WELL, ARE WE GONNA RATE THESE
CHEESES AGAINST ALL FOOD?
I MEAN, ALL CHEESE IS BETTER
THAN BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
SO DO WE NEED A DIFFERENT SCALE
OR...?
>> NO, NO.
W-WE'LL RATE THEM AGAINST ALL
FOODS, AND -- AND WE'LL GO LIKE
THIS.
LIKE, OKAY, SO, IF DOG SHIT WAS
1 AND CHOCOLATE CAKE WAS 10,
RATE THESE CHEESES.
>> WHAT'S WORSE THAN DOG SHIT?
>> [ LAUGHS ] NOTHING.
THAT'S WHY IT'S 1.
IT'S THE LOWEST.
>> ZERO IS THE LOWEST.
>> [ LAUGHS ] THAT'S RIGHT.
IN FRANCE, THE GROUND FLOOR IS
ZERO.
IT'S NOT ONE.
>> 'CAUSE WHAT, IN THE STATES,
IT'S --
>> IT'S ONE.
THE GROUND FLOOR IS ONE.
>> EVERYTHING HAS TO BE MORE IN
THE STATES.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> OH, PLEASE.
>> OKAY.
>> SO, DOG SHIT IS ZERO.
CHOCOLATE CAKE IS 10.
RATE THESE CHEESES.
>> NO. THAT WON'T WORK.
>> WHY WON'T THAT WORK?
>> BECAUSE IF WE'RE GONNA
INCLUDE ALL FOOD, WE'RE GONNA
NEED MORE NUMBERS, LIKE UP TO
100.
>> O-OKAY, GREAT.
DOG SHIT IS ZERO.
CHOCOLATE CAKE IS 100.
RATE THESE CHEESES.
>> NO, THAT'S STILL TOO
CONFUSING.
>> WHY?!
>> IT IS.
>> WHAT IS CONFUSING ABOUT IT?
OH, MY GOD!
>> LET'S JUST SAY THAT CHEESE IN
GENERAL IS LIKE 90.
>> OKAY, I WOULD SAY, YEAH, LIKE
92, BUT WHATEVER.
OKAY.
>> AND NOW LET'S RATE THESE
CHEESES FROM ZERO TO 10, 10
BEING OUR FAVORITE AND ZERO OUR
LEAST FAVORITE.
>> PERFECT.
FIRST, I JUST NEED TO FUCK YOU
AGAIN REAL QUICK, AND THEN WE
CAN DO THAT, OKAY?
'CAUSE YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY
RIGHT NOW.
>> NO, NOT NOW.
>> COME ON.
>> NOT NOW.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW.
>> BABY, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT. [ COUGHS ] ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD. OKAY, RATE THEM.
ZERO TO 100 -- ZERO TO 10.
>> OH, THAT'S BORING.
>> COME ON. COME ON.
>> OKAY, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK
NOW ANYWAY.
>> YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL THIS
LATE?
>> YEAH, SOMETIMES SHE CAN'T
SLEEP AT NIGHT, SO I-I SIT WITH
HER.
COME ON. I'M LATE.
>> REALLY.
DOES SHE EVER HAVE ANY -- I
MEAN, DO YOU EVER, LIKE, BRING
ANYBODY ELSE TO VISIT HER
BESIDES YOU?
>> NO. IT MIGHT UPSET HER.
YOU HAVE TO GO NOW.
I'M IN A HURRY.
>> OKAY, OKAY.
[ SIGHS ] WELL, I HAD A-AN AMAZING TIME. >> ME TOO.
>> UM, I GUESS I'LL -- I'LL CALL YOU LATER. >> IT'S -- IT'S NOT THIS DOOR.
IT'S -- IT'S THIS WAY.
>> I HOPE, UH -- I HOPE WORK
ISN'T TOO...HARD.
GOOD NIGHT. >> BYE. [ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ LAUGHING ]
>> DO YOU HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING CLOSE TO PEOPLE? >> TO PEOPLE?
>> I DON'T KNOW, TO BOYS THAT
YOU LIKE WHO LIKE YOU.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN HEAVEN?
>> [ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.
END OF THAT CONVERSATION.
>> OH, COME ON. IT'S BORING.
>> IT'S VERY SWEET, AND IT
ACTUALLY STRANGELY MAKES SENSE,
BUT -- AND YOU'RE VERY SMART.
YOU'RE NOT DUMB.
YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT.
THERE'S NO ONE --
>> OKAY, OKAY. DON'T WORRY.
I-I WON'T FREAK OUT. WHAT?
>> WELL, YOU USE "BORING" WHEN
YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN TO USE
THAT WORD.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH, LIKE WHEN WE WERE GONNA
HAVE THE CHEESE CONTEST, AND YOU
REALLY WANTED TO, AND THEN
SUDDENLY YOU DIDN'T WANT TO,
YOU SAID IT WAS BORING.
AND THEN JUST NOW, WHEN I ASKED
YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION --
>> OKAY, OKAY.
SO WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
>> WELL, HOPEFULLY, YOU WOULD
JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION.
BUT IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO ANSWER
A QUESTION, YOU WOULD SAY
SOMETHING LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT."
>> I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN HEAVEN?
>> I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT.
>> OH, COME ON.
DON'T BE A BABY.
[ SIGHS ]
>> LIVING RIGHT THERE FOREVER. WE'D BE ANCIENT, LIKE 120 YEARS OLD, AND I'D BE SITTING UNDER
THIS WILLOW TREE, WATCHING THE
TOURIST BOATS GO BY.
>> MM-HMM.
>> AND YOU WOULD YELL OVER,
"HONEY, COME HOME FOR LUNCH.
I MADE VICHYSSOISE."
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> [ SNIFFS ]
THAT WOULD BE HEAVEN TO ME.
>> YOU KNOW THE SOUP,
VICHYSSOISE?
>> OF COURSE.
>> SAY IT AGAIN.
>> VICHYSSOISE.
>> YOUR FRENCH IS GETTING VERY
GOOD.
>> MERCI.
>> I MAKE A VERY GOOD
VICHYSSOISE.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HOT
AND COLD.
I WON'T HURT YOU.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO
IMPATIENT.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO SLOW.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO LOUD.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO
TRUCULENT.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND TO
BE SO SUPERIOR, USING WORDS YOU
KNOW I DON'T KNOW.
YOU LOOK VICTORIOUS. THAT CONCERNS ME. >> WILL YOU SHUT UP AND KISS ME
ALREADY?
WAIT. FRENCH-KISS ME.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
>> UM, DOGGY STYLE. >> HATE. >> REALLY?
>> MM.
>> MOST WOMEN LOVE DOGGY STYLE.
>> YOU, DOGGY STYLE?
>> HATE.
>> REALLY?
MOST MEN LOVE DOGGY STYLE.
>> YEAH, NO, NO. I HATE IT.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SEE --
>> MY BREASTS? YEAH.
>> NO. YOUR FACE.
>> AH.
>> WELL, AND YOUR BREASTS, TOO.
YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING.
>> A MAN FUCKING YOU.
>> A MAN FUCKING ME?
>> MM-HMM.
>> OKAY, WE'RE PLAYING THE GAME
NOW.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> UM...I'VE NEVER DONE IT.
>> HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
IT?
>> NO, I MEAN, I'VE HAD
OCCASIONAL, WEIRD SEX DREAMS
ABOUT IT, AND, UM, I'VE DABBLED
WITH GIRLS PRETENDING, BUT
THAT'S IT.
>> PRETENDING WHAT?
>> PRETENDING TO BE A MAN
FUCKING ME, LIKE, YOU KNOW --
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
LONG TIME AGO WITH MY -- WITH MY
LAST GIRLFRIEND.
SO YOU'RE NOT INTO BDSM NOW?
>> NO.
AND I WASN'T INTO IT THEN.
IT WAS JUST, YOU KNOW,
OCCASIONAL, NORMAL PLAYING
AROUND.
>> OH.
OH, GETTING FUCKED WITH A
STRAP-ON IS OCCASIONAL, NORMAL
PLAYING AROUND IN AMERICA?
>> NO. IT'S PROBABLY NOT NORMAL.
BUT IT'S MORE NORMAL THAN IS
ADMITTED.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
>> SO, WHY HAVEN'T YOU TRIED IT
WITH A GUY?
>> 'CAUSE I'M NOT INTO MEN LIKE
THAT.
>> YOU KNOW, I MEAN, EVERYTHING
THAT I LOVE ABOUT A WOMAN --
YOUR HANDS AND FEET AND...
THE SOFTNESS OF YOUR SKIN,
KISSING -- THAT ALL DISGUSTS ME
TO MEN.
I WOULD -- THE MEN THING, IT'S
MORE -- IT WAS MORE
PSYCHOLOGICAL.
IT'S MORE THE TABOO.
IT'S BEING, YOU KNOW, DOMINATED,
PUNISHED.
I MEAN, HAVING SAID THAT, YOU
KNOW, AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE,
I-I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TRIED IT
ONCE IF I WEREN'T TERRIFIED OF
H.I.V.
>> WELL, YOU HAVE SAFE SEX.
>> NO. FORGET ABOUT IT.
I COULD WEAR THREE FUCKING
RUBBERS.
RUBBERS BREAK.
I-IT'S WAY TOO RISKY.
IT'S JUST I WOULD NEVER -- I
WOULD NEVER DO IT.
>> YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE USING
THAT AS AN EXCUSE?
>> BECAUSE I'M AFRAID TO ADMIT
THAT I'M GAY?
>> MM.
>> OKAY, I WOULD LOVE TO
SKY-DIVE, BUT I'M SHIT-SCARED TO
JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND HEIGHTS,
SO I'LL NEVER DO THAT.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME SOMEONE
WHO'S AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT I'M A
CLOSET SKYDIVER.
>> BUT YOU DON'T JERK OFF
THINKING ABOUT SKYDIVING.
>> [ SCOFFS ] I DON'T JERK OFF
THINKING ABOUT FUCKING GUYS
EITHER.
>> SO WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS
FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS, YOU
WEREN'T TURNED ON?
>> OKAY, YOU'RE GETTING
OFF-TRACK.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> IN THIS GAME, YOU JUST ASK
QUESTIONS THAT CAN BE ANSWERED
WITH "HATE," "LOVE," OR "LIKE."
>> WELL, I LIKE THIS NEW GAME
BETTER.
>> OKAY, GOOD.
WELL, YOU CAN PLAY IT LATER
AFTER I LEAVE.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> SO, UM, HOW ABOUT ANY, UM,
BDSM FOR YOU?
>> HATE.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
MAYBE I'M TRADITIONAL, BUT I
THINK IT'S WEIRD.
>> SO DO YOU THINK I'M WEIRD FOR
HAVING EXPERIMENTED WITH IT?
>> NO, YOU'VE TRIED IT IN YOUR
PAST, YOU SAID, AND -- AND NOW
YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN IT
ANYMORE, SO THAT'S FINE.
>> YEAH, BUT DO YOU THINK --
>> I JUST THINK THAT MEN SHOULD
BE REAL MEN.
>> REALLY?
SO DO "REAL MEN" ONLY HAVE
VANILLA SEX?
>> NO, NO.
>> CAN REAL MEN FANTASIZE ABOUT
LESS-THAN-TRADITIONAL SEXUAL
BEHAVIORS?
>> YES, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T
FANTASIZE ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
OKAY, SO HOW MANY TIMES CAN A
MAN FANTASIZE ABOUT
NONTRADITIONAL SEXUAL BEHAVIORS
UNTIL THEY'RE NOT A REAL MAN?
LIKE 5 TIMES OR 12 TIMES OR --
>> I CAN'T TRUST A GUY WHO
FANTASIZES ABOUT THINGS I CAN'T
GIVE HIM.
THEY'RE FANTASIZING ABOUT WOMEN,
OKAY, I GET IT.
BUT IF A GUY FANTASIZES ABOUT
HAVING A DICK IN HIS ASS, FAKE
OR NOT, I'M GONNA THINK HE'S
GONNA WANT TO DO IT, EVENTUALLY.
YOU KNOW, IT...
IT FEELS LIKE HE'S LYING TO
HIMSELF.
SO IT'S FINE FOR WHOEVER.
NOT MY BOYFRIEND.
LOOK, I...
I JUST -- I JUST THINK THAT
MIXING PSYCHOLOGY AND SEX IS
PERVERSE.
YOU KNOW, SORT THIS THING OUT
WITH YOUR SHRINK...
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> ...NOT IN THE BEDROOM.
>> OKAY, LISTEN.
I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU
SOMETHING FOR REAL THOUGH.
>> MNH-MNH.
>> ALL JOKING ASIDE.
>> NO. NO MORE TALKING NOW.
>> NO, COME ON.
IT'S IMPORTANT. IT'S IMPORTANT.
JUST ONE LAST THING.
>> HMM?
>> DO YOU NOT LIKE GOING DOWN ON
A MAN?
>> IF I LIKE THE GUY, SURE I DO.
>> DO YOU LIKE ME?
>> I LIKE YOU.
>> BECAUSE I-I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
TURNED ON WHEN WE HAVE SEX, LIKE
YOU ENJOY OUR SEX.
>> MM-HMM.
>> YEAH. OKAY.
>> BUT YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED
MY DICK ONCE.
>> YES, I HAVE.
>> NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
I MEAN, FORGET GOING DOWN ON ME.
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN -- YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN TOUCHED IT.
AND SO IT JUST MADE ME WONDER,
LIKE, DO YOU NOT LIKE DOING THAT
ON ANY MAN, OR IS IT JUST
SPECIFICALLY ME OR THAT YOU
DON'T...
MY BODY DISGUSTS YOU?
IT SORT OF MAKES ME FEEL LIKE --
I DON'T KNOW, DO YOU NOT LIKE MY
BODY OR...
>> LET ME -- LET ME PUT IT THIS
WAY.
IF YOU WERE 10 POUNDS THINNER,
I WOULD HAVE BLOWN YOU BY NOW.
MICHAEL... MICHAEL, MICHAEL...
MICHAEL...
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ] MICHAEL... I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
>> THAT WAS THE MEANEST THING THAT ANYONE HAS EVER SAID TO ME. >> I'M SORRY.
IT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.
>> HOW IS IT SUPPOSED TO COME
OUT?
>> I READ YOUR BOOK.
I, UH... I WENT AND GOT IT AND READ IT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE SO GOOD AT REVEALING
YOURSELF.
MOST OF US ARE NOT LIKE THAT.
WE HAVE SECRETS, THINGS WE'RE
ASHAMED OF, SCARED TO -- SCARED
TO ADMIT TO OURSELVES, LET ALONE
SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU HAVE NO FEAR.
YOU ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE, AND -- I
DON'T KNOW -- YOU EVEN REJOICE
IN IT.
>> I HAVE MANY FLAWS.
>> LET ME FINISH.
THAT SCARES MOST PEOPLE ABOUT YOU. >> I TOLD YOU THAT I WILL NEVER
HURT YOU.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
YOU MIGHT.
BUT WHAT I -- WHAT I LOVED ABOUT
YOUR BOOK IS THAT EVEN THOUGH
SHE LEAVES YOU IN THE END AND --
AND YOU'RE HEARTBROKEN...
YOU'RE HERE.
AND THAT'S VERY BRAVE.
AND I WANT TO BE THAT BRAVE.
I'VE NEVER LET MYSELF LOVE
ANYONE BEFORE.
NEVER.
>> NEVER?
NEVER IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?
>> BUT I-I-I WANT TO TRY WITH YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ] >> [ SIGHS ] >> CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
IF I WAS TO GIVE YOU THE BEST
BLOWJOB YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR
ENTIRE LIFE RIGHT NOW, WOULD YOU
THINK I WAS DOING IT TO MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER OR BECAUSE I REALLY
WANT TO?
AND EITHER WAY, WOULD YOU CARE?
>> [ INHALES SHARPLY ] HONESTLY, AT THIS POINT... EITHER WAY, I WOULDN'T CARE.
>> BUT JUST FOR THE RECORD, I REALLY WANT TO.
>> EVERYTHING COOL? >> YEAH. >> IS IT STILL OKAY THAT I COME
IN WITH YOU?
>> YOU HAVE TO COME.
SHE REQUESTED AN AUDIENCE WITH
YOU.
>> SHE DID?
>> MM-HMM.
COME ON.
[ SPEAKS FRENCH ]
ANAIS, MICHAEL.
>> BONJOUR.
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S THE ONLY FRENCH I KNOW.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
I CAN SPEAK ENGLISH.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
ANAIS -- THAT'S A -- THAT'S A
REALLY PRETTY NAME.
IS IT AFTER ANAIS NIN?
>> SHE'S MY FAVORITE WRITER.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> WOW. THAT'S A COOL TOP HAT.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
>> SHE GAVE IT TO ME.
>> SHE DID?
>> AND I'M WAITING ON A TUXEDO
TO GO WITH IT SO I CAN HAVE A
PROPER DANCE.
>> REALLY?
HAVE YOU, UH, GOT IN TOUCH WITH
SANTA?
>> COOL.
>> 'CAUSE HE'S, LIKE, MAKING
SOME ROUNDS TOMORROW.
MAYBE HE COULD BRING ONE BY.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> NO!
>> YOU WANT TO KILL ME BEFORE I
GET MY DANCE?
>> IT'S VERY BAD LUCK TO PUT A
HAT ON A BED.
>> IN FRANCE?
>> MM-HMM.
>> OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY.
WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT
IN AMERICA.
YOU CAN PUT HATS ANYWHERE.
OH, GOD, I'M SO SORRY.
FORGIVE ME.
>> IT'S OKAY.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] >> THAT'S ENOUGH OF YOUR SECRET GIRL TALK, PLEASE.
SPEAK IN AMERICAN.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
TALK -- TRèS BIEN, TRèS BIEN.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> I KNOW FRENCH.
I KNOW FRENCH. TRèS BIEN.
>> MONSIEUR FRANçAIS.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> IT'S UNSPEAKABLY HEARTBREAKING SOMETIMES, THIS LIFE.
>> BUT UNSPEAKABLY MAGNIFICENT
SOMETIMES, TOO.
>> I'LL CALL YOU LATER?
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> WELL, I JUST ASSUMED YOU'D
WANT SOME SPACE.
>> I DON'T WANT SPACE.
I WANT TO GO FAST NOW.
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE TIME
ANYMORE.
HMM?
>> DOES IT WANT TO DANCE?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
>> THIS TOWN'S INCREDIBLE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF? >> THAT BECAUSE THE LAST THING ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH THAT I
WANT TO DO IS TWEET OR UPDATE MY
FACEBOOK STATUS, THAT THE SOUL
OF YOUTH WILL VOMIT ME INTO THE
CESSPOOL OF THE OLD AND THE
WORTHLESS.
>> COME ON. SERIOUSLY.
>> SERIOUSLY?
YOU WANT ME TO BE HONEST?
>> MM-HMM.
>> [ SIGHS ]
I'M AFRAID THAT BECAUSE IT'S
BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE BEEN IN
LOVE THAT I'LL BE SO EXCITED, I
WON'T SEE THAT I'VE FALLEN IN
LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO MIGHT
BETRAY ME.
>> BETRAY YOU HOW?
>> FUCK AROUND ON ME, CHEAT ON
ME.
I COULDN'T HANDLE THAT.
>> FREUD SAID OUR FEARS ARE OUR
WISHES.
SO MAYBE YOU'LL BE THE ONE WHO
WILL BE THE BETRAYER.
>> NO. I DON'T LIE.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
>> ANYTHING ELSE?
>> NOT AT THE TOP OF MY HEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?
>> YOU'LL SEE.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
[ BIRDS SQUAWKING ]
>> BONJOUR. [ MOZART'S "EINE KLEIN NACHTMUSIK" PLAYS ]
>> ARE YOU STAYING THE NIGHT?
>> UH, WE'D LOVE TO. THANK YOU. >> OKAY.
>> IS SHE OKAY? >> YEAH. JUST TUCKED HER IN.
MM.
>> HOW LONG HAS YOUR MOM BEEN LIKE THAT? >> SINCE I WAS 13.
THAT'S WHEN MY DAD GAVE HER THE
WORST BEATING.
SHE'S BEEN LIKE THAT EVER SINCE.
>> DID HE EVER HIT YOU?
>> NO.
HE ADORED ME.
ONE DAY, YOU'RE DADDY'S LITTLE
GIRL, AND...
AND THE NEXT DAY, YOU NEVER HEAR
FROM THE GUY FOR THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE.
SHE SPENT SIX MONTHS IN A
HOSPITAL.
>> I STAYED WITH MY AUNT.
AND I TRIED TO LIVE WITH HER
WHEN SHE CAME OUT, BUT, UM...
SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS...
SO SHE WAS SCARED TO HAVE ME IN
THE HOUSE WITH HER.
>> HAS SHE EVER KNOWN WHO YOU
ARE SINCE THAT HAPPENED?
>> NO.
IF SHE DOES, SHE DOESN'T ADMIT
IT TO HERSELF.
I THINK IT WOULD BRING HER WHOLE
LIFE BACK, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE I'M HERE EVERY WEEK, AND EVERY WEEK, IT'S THE SAME DANCE.
"WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?"
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
I'M SO SORRY. >> IT'S OKAY. YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE HER IN A
WAY.
MOST PEOPLE -- YOU KNOW, MANY
PEOPLE DON'T HAVE THEIR MOTHERS.
I'M GRATEFUL. [ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU THINK PEOPLE FIND EACH
OTHER, LIKE WATER SEEKS ITS OWN
LEVEL?
YOU GOT A SAYING IN FRENCH?
>> NO.
>> DO YOU THINK THAT BROKEN
PEOPLE FIND OTHER PEOPLE WHO
THEY THINK ARE GONNA HELP GIVE
THEM WHAT THEY DON'T HAVE, AND
THEY IN TURN CAN GIVE THE OTHER
PERSON WHAT THEY THINK THEY
NEED, KIND OF HELP MEND EACH
OTHER, OR, IN A BAD CASE,
MISGUIDEDLY PUNISH THE OTHER
PERSON?
>> ARE YOU BROKEN?
DO YOU THINK I'M BROKEN?
>> I THINK EVERYONE'S BROKEN.
>> I THINK YOU FIND WHAT YOU FIND, YOU KNOW, AND YOU DO WHAT YOU DO, AND THEY DO WHAT THEY
DO.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE, YOU
KNOW, REALLY CHANGE THAT MUCH --
REALLY CHANGE OVER THE COURSE OF
THEIR LIFETIME.
>> SO YOU JUST THINK IT'S ALL
RANDOM HERE ON EARTH, PEOPLE
MEETING EACH OTHER?
WHY WOULDN'T GOD HAVE A HAND IN
THAT EQUATION?
>> I IMAGINE HE HAS BETTER
THINGS TO DO THAN MATCH-MAKE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> LIKE WHAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL HAVE MY MOTHER ASK HIM AND
GET BACK TO YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU. >> YOU DO? >> YEAH.
IT'S NOT YOUR PROPER CHRISTMAS
PRESENT.
YOU'LL GET THAT TOMORROW.
>> OKAY.
>> HOLD OUT YOUR HAND.
>> WHAT?
>> DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT GONNA PROPOSE...
YET.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> IT'S OUR ONE-WEEK
ANNIVERSARY.
WHICH, ROMANTICALLY ENOUGH,
HAPPENS TO FALL ON
CHRISTMAS EVE.
OH, COME ON.
OKAY, GOOD.
I REALIZE IT'S, UM...
IT'S KIND OF AN UGLY RING.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
BUT IT'S VERY SPECIAL.
>> NO, I LOVE IT.
>> YOU LIKE IT?
>> MM-HMM.
YOU SAID YOU'D BE IN LOVE WITH
ME BY CHRISTMAS.
WAS IT TRUE?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> I THINK YOU ARE.
>> I THINK I JUST MIGHT BE, TOO.
>> WAIT. >> WHAT? >> WHERE DID YOU GET THE RING?
IT'S NOT FROM THE -- FROM THE
GYPSY LADY, IS IT?
>> YEAH, SHE TOLD ME I WAS GONNA
MEET A GIRL TO GIVE IT TO, AND I
DID.
IT'S GRACED.
>> NO, IT'S CURSED.
SHE CURSED YOU, SO THE RING IS
CURSED.
>> [ LAUGHS ] COME ON!
THE RING'S NOT CURSED.
AND IF CURSES EXIST, THAT MEANS
GOD DOES, TOO, AND GOD BEATS
CURSES EVERY TIME.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
>> WAIT.
>> WHAT?!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW IF
I'M -- IF I LOVE YOU, TOO?
>> FUCK. I HATE THIS.
>> WHAT?
>> I CAN'T -- I CAN'T SEE YOU.
SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
>> USUALLY YOU SEE ME WHEN I'M
THAT FAR.
>> I KNOW, BUT IT'S NIGHT.
AT NIGHT, IT GETS WORSE.
IT GETS WORSE AT NIGHT.
>> CLOSE YOUR EYES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
DID YOU WANT TO KNOW? >> I ALREADY KNOW. >> MM-HMM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> I think you're in love with
me.
>> REALLY?
>> But I don't want to have my
eyes closed when you say it for
the first time.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY. OPEN THEM.
IT'S A NO.
>> THAT'S REALLY MEAN.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
IT'S NOT --
>> WOW!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
JE T'AIME.
JE T'AIME A LOT. CAN I SAY THAT? JE T'AIME A LOT?
>> I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> You can say it any way you
want, just as long as you say
it.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS. >> COME VISIT ANYTIME. >> AU REVOIR.
>> AU REVOIR.
[ DOOR CLOSES ] >> HE REMINDS ME OF FRANCOIS. >> WHO?
>> YOUR FIRST BOYFRIEND.
YOU WERE ONLY 7 YEARS OLD.
YOU BROUGHT A BOY HOME AFTER
SCHOOL ONE DAY AND DECLARED THAT
YOU WERE GOING TO MARRY HIM
BECAUSE HE WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
>> I-I DON'T REMEMBER THAT, MOM.
>> I DO, AS CLEAR AS DAY.
MICHAEL IS LIKE FRANCOIS ALL
GROWN UP.
THEY HAVE THE SAME KIND EYES,
AND I CAN STILL SEE THE LITTLE
BOY IN HIM.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING.
>> DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I WAS YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND? >> WELL, NOT COUNTING FRANCOIS,
OF COURSE.
>> OH, FRANCOIS.
AND THERE WAS WHO ELSE?
PROBABLY BILLY AND FUCKING
FREDERIC AND --
>> NO, JUST FRANCOIS.
[ BRAKE GRINDS ] [ ENGINE TURNS OFF ] >> THANKS A LOT FOR BRING ME TO
MEET YOUR MOM.
THAT REALLY MEANT A LOT TO ME.
>> THANKS FOR COMING.
SO, WHAT, YOU'RE GONNA GO TO
YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE NOW FOR
CHRISTMAS?
>> YEAH.
THEY'D REALLY LIKE TO MEET YOU.
AND I'D LOVE IT IF YOU CAME.
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO?
>> I'M SORRY.
YOU UNDERSTAND, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> BUT, UH, I'D LIKE TO MEET YOU
AFTERWARDS IF YOU WANT.
>> I'D REALLY LIKE THAT.
>> Thank you. [ LOCK TURNS ]
>> [ SIGHS ] [ Ringing ] >> Hello.
>> HEY, JOSH. IT'S MICHAEL.
>> Hey.
>> SORRY TO CALL YOU ON
CHRISTMAS, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE A
JEW.
>> Yeah, PlayStation with the
kids and then Chinese food.
Sorry I didn't call you before
the holiday.
I didn't want to bum you out,
honestly, right before
Christmas.
Not good news, man.
Everyone has passed.
>> EVERYONE?
ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE?
THERE'S NOT ONE PUBLISHER THAT
DIDN'T PASS ON MY BOOK?
>> No, man. I'm sorry.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
>> YEAH. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
FUCK!
[ CELLPHONE SLAMS ]
FUCK!
[ CRASH ]
MOTHERFUCKERS.
[ Ringing ]
>> Hello, Michael. >> CAN YOU DO A SESSION NOW? >> It's Christmas.
I'm with my family.
>> YEAH, I REALIZE.
I'LL PAY YOU TRIPLE.
CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE FOR AN
HOUR?
>> I really can't.
I have a friend who I think you
would enjoy immensely if she
might do a session today.
Shall I call her for you?
>> IS SHE MEAN?
>> Almost as mean as me.
Trust me, she won't disappoint
you.
>> CALL HER.
[ HEEL CLACKS ]
DID MISTRESS NATALIE TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE? JUST BE REALLY MEAN TO ME --
LIKE, REALLY MEAN.
VERBALLY, PHYSICALLY.
YOU CAN SLAP ME IN THE FACE
REALLY HARD.
YOU CAN PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.
UH, BUT DON'T DRAW BLOOD, SO
DON'T PUNCH ME ANYWHERE WHERE I
WOULD BLEED, UM, LIKE MY NOSE OR
MY MOUTH.
DON'T LEAVE ANY MARKS ON MY
FACE.
SMOTHER ME, CHOKE ME.
YOU CAN, UH, USE A PLASTIC BAG,
UH, ON ME, PUT ME IN A SLEEPER
HOLD, BUT, UH, NOT TILL I PASS
OUT.
SO RIGHT BEFORE I LOSE
CONSCIOUSNESS, LIKE, MAKE SURE
I -- YOU LET GO.
SAY I'M A PATHETIC LOSER THAT NO
GIRL WILL EVER LOVE AND I'LL
NEVER GET A GIRLFRIEND.
I'M PROBABLY JUST SOME LITTLE
LOSER FAGGOT THAT WANTS TO GET
RAPED.
AND THEN YOU CAN RAPE ME.
JUST TELL ME I DESERVE TO DIE.
AND THAT IF I WASN'T SO
PATHETIC...YOU WOULD KILL ME.
HEY. I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE, BUT SANTA AND I HAD SOME LAST-MINUTE
ARRANGEMENTS PREPARING YOUR
PRESENT, WHICH YOU'RE GONNA GET
LATER.
>> I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU
ANYMORE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> IT'S OVER.
>> IT'S NOT OVER.
WHAT -- WHAT'S OVER?
WHAT ARE YOU -- SOPHIE, WHAT'S
GOING ON?
>> IT'LL NEVER WORK OUT BETWEEN
US, AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY
TIME ANYMORE.
>> SOPHIE, COME ON.
DON'T DO THIS, NOT TONIGHT.
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
COME ON.
YOU START TO LIKE ME A LOT, AND
THEN YOU FREAK OUT.
BUT IT'S -- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
IT, OKAY?
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
>> YEAH, RIGHT.
IT'S BECAUSE I LIKE YOU A LOT
THAT I'M RUNNING AWAY.
I LIED. I DON'T LOVE YOU.
I DON'T CARE FOR YOU.
I DON'T EVEN REALLY LIKE YOU.
YOU WERE LIKE A DISTRACTION TO
ME.
SO PLEASE DON'T EVER TRY TO
CONTACT ME, OR YOU'LL HAVE
TROUBLE YOU CAN'T IMAGINE.
>> SOPHIE...
SOPHIE... >> WHAT WERE YOU DOING TONIGHT BEFORE YOU MET ME?
>> I WAS AT CHARLES AND
CAROLINE'S FOR CHRISTMAS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
>> YOU WERE AT CHARLES AND
CAROLINE'S?
>> YEAH. WHY?
>> ALL NIGHT? YOU NEVER LEFT?
>> NO.
WHY? DO YOU NOT BELIEVE ME?
>> OF COURSE I BELIEVE YOU.
YOU NEVER LIE, DO YOU?
YOUR TURN. [ SNIFFS ]
>> MY TURN FOR WHAT?
>> YOU GET TO ASK ME WHAT I WAS
DOING TONIGHT BEFORE I MET YOU.
>> I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THIS
GAME.
>> OH, COME ON. YOU LOVE GAMES.
ASK ME WHAT I WAS DOING TONIGHT
BEFORE I MET YOU.
>> NO.
>> ASK ME.
>> I DON'T WANT TO.
>> ASK ME!
>> WHAT WERE YOU DOING TONIGHT
BEFORE YOU MET ME?
>> I WAS FUCKING ANOTHER MAN.
WE MADE LOVE ALL NIGHT.
HE MADE ME COME OVER AND OVER.
AND HE'S NOT INSECURE AND NEEDY
LIKE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW?
HE DIDN'T WHINE ABOUT HOW I
NEVER TOUCH HIS DICK.
HE DID WHATEVER HE WANTED, JUST
TOOK MY FACE IN HIS HANDS AND
MADE ME SUCK HIS COCK.
IT WAS SO NICE.
HE CAME SO HARD.
I STILL HAVE IT ON MY BREATH.
CAN YOU SMELL IT?
DOES IT SMELL LIKE SMITTEN?
Kiss me.
KISS ME AND TASTE ANOTHER MAN'S
COME IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S MOUTH.
OH, COME ON. HAVE SOME.
NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME?
[ SIREN WAILING ]
[ Ringing ] >> Hello? >> YEAH, THAT GIRL YOU SENT ME
WASN'T MEAN AT ALL.
>> She wasn't?
Usually, she does as much as
people can handle.
>> NO.
SHE JUST SAT THERE, AND THEN
AFTER I TOLD HER WHAT I WANTED,
SHE JUST GOT UP AND LEFT.
>> Oh, that's odd.
[ GLASS SHATTERING ]
>> [ SCOFFS ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ] [ RING CLINKS ]
[ RINGING CONTINUES ] >> ALLô.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ SOFT JAZZ PLAYS ] >> ¶ LONGING FOR THE ONE I LOVE ¶
¶ LIKE SEASONS IN THE AIR ¶
¶ AS THEY COME AND GO, I WATCH ¶
¶ BUT STILL THERE'S NO... ¶
¶ NOTHING'S EVER NEW ¶ ¶ BLUES AS IF ON CUE ¶ ¶ WHAT AM I TO DO HERE? ¶
¶ THIS OLD HEART ¶
¶ RUNNING THROUGH THIS WALK OF
LIFE ¶
¶ WHO KNOWS WHERE IT'LL END ¶
¶ HOPING THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG
THE WAY, I'LL HAVE A FRIEND ¶
¶ ONE WHO REALLY KNOWS JUST THE WAY IT GOES ¶ ¶ ON THIS LONELY ROAD THAT'S
NEVER-ENDING ¶
¶ I HOPE SOMEDAY I WILL FIND
HER ¶
¶ AND LOVE WILL LAST FOREVER ¶ ¶ AND IT WILL FEEL LIKE IT'S ALWAYS... ¶
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> "DEAR SOPHIE..." HELLO? >> HELLO!
COME IN.
SIT DOWN.
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO TO YOU?
>> I WANT YOU TO KILL ME. >> YOU NEED TO BE VERY CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU ASK ME TO DO TO YOU,
BECAUSE I WILL DO IT.
SO I'M GOING TO ASK YOU AGAIN,
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO TO
YOU?
>> I WANT YOU TO KILL ME.
>> WHY DON'T I PLAY WITH YOU FOR A WHILE, AND THEN WE'LL SEE IF... THAT'S STILL WHAT YOU
WANT.
[ Ringing ] >> Oui?
>> [ GROANS ]
[ COUGHS ]
DO IT. >> DO WHAT, MICHAEL?
>> KILL ME. >> MICHAEL!
>> ARE YOU SURE? YOU GET NO SECOND CHANCES. >> PLEASE KILL ME.
>> IS THERE ANY GOD YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO? >> NO.
>> IS THERE ANY PERSON YOU WANT
TO SAY SOMETHING TO?
>> [ Voice breaking ] NO, NO. JUST DO IT. JUST DO IT.
PLEASE.
>> OKAY.
>> MICHAEL! MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
>> [ SNIFFLES ]
"DEAR SOPHIE, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD TELL YOU
ONE DAY THAT I THOUGHT WHEN I
FIRST SAW YOU?
IT WAS THE CLEAREST MOMENT I'VE
EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
YOU WERE PICKING ORANGES FROM A
CRATE, AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
'THAT'S THE WOMAN I'M GONNA
SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.'
AND THAT WAS THE TRUTH.
I LOVE YOU, SOPHIE, AND I KNOW
YOU LOVE ME, TOO.
YOU'RE JUST TOO SCARED RIGHT
NOW, BUT I KNOW THAT WON'T LAST
FOREVER AND, ONE DAY, YOU WILL
LET YOURSELF LOVE ME."
[ GASPS ]
"I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH UNTIL
THAT DAY, BUT I'LL TAKE SOLACE
IN KNOWING THAT WHEN IT COMES,
EVEN IF IT'S WHEN WE'RE 120,
I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN UNDER THE
WILLOW TREE, AND THAT WILL BE
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY ETERNAL
LIFE.
UNTIL THEN, AU REVOIR.
MICHAEL."
[ SPEAKS FRENCH ]
MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
MICHAEL.
MICHAEL!
[ SIGHS ]
Wait for me. Wait for me under the willow tree.
[ SIREN WAILING ] >> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ BREATHING STOPS ]
[ BREATHING RESUMES ] [ BREATHING STOPS ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
>> NO! [ SOBBING ]
>> ¶ YOU COVERED ME ¶ ¶ ALL THE WORDS, ALL THE LETTERS SWAYED ON MY HAND ¶
¶ CUT ME DOWN, FELT IMPRESSED ¶
¶ WHAT IT'S WORTH ¶
¶ ALL I WANT IS YOUR HANDS IN MY
HANDS ¶
¶ RUSHING IN, RUSHING IN AGAIN ¶
¶ WHAT I WANT IS YOUR HANDS IN
MY HANDS ¶
¶ WHAT I WANT ¶
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT ¶
¶ ALL I WANT ¶
¶ YOUR HANDS IN MY HANDS ¶
¶ ALL ¶ ¶ ALL I WANT ¶ ¶ ALL I WANT ¶
¶ YOUR HANDS IN MY HANDS ¶
¶ ALL ¶¶
>> ¶ I WILL WAIT ¶ ¶ YOU WILL BREAK ¶
¶ I WILL SUMMON ¶
¶ YOU WILL ME ¶
¶ I WILL COME UNDONE ¶
¶ YOU WILL SUCCUMB ¶
¶ I WILL BE VESTAL ¶
¶ YOU WILL BLEED ¶
¶ I WILL KILL TIME ¶ ¶ YOU WILL SINGE THE THREAD THAT
HANGS THE LIE ¶
¶ I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR ¶
¶ I WILL NOT ABATE ¶
¶ YOU WILLINGLY DISINTEGRATE ¶
¶ I WILL BE THE UNDERTAKER ¶
>> ¶ YOU ¶ >> ¶ YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME ¶
>> ¶ YOU ¶