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"And do you vow before God and us..."
"As his witnesses Yo love, honor, and obey him..."
"Until death do you part?"
I'm not sorry for what I did.
I have no regrets. Because look what it got me.
A man who appreciates me for what I am.
All my life, my mother said, "Get married, Miriam, get married."
And I wanted to get married. Honest.
But it wasn't that easy.
You see, I had this problem.
My problem was, I was a beautiful person...
who had been kidnapped by an ugly body.
Of course, there were advantages to being homely.
I never had to worry about someone taking my messages while I was out...
or having the trauma of growing old and losing my looks.
And I was probably the only girl who, no matter where I went...
never had to worry about being mugged.
So you see, I was quite content.
Oh, there was one other thing.
I was also very lonely.
I even changed colleges.
Five of them in three years, in hopes of finding the right guy.
There are a lot of men at State, which is why I came here.
- Look at the line. - We'll be here for hours.
Registration's got to be the worst part of college, next to studying.
I know a senior who missed her graduation.
Years later they found her in line still trying to register.
- Hi there. - Hi there.
Excuse me.
I wonder if you'd mind me getting in line in front of you?
I'm new here and a little bit confused.
- Ordinarily I wouldn't even ask this, but... - So don't.
Trying to figure out what courses to take?
- Yeah. How did you know? - Everybody has that problem.
Look, you have to take any three of these, and the rest are electives.
- How'd you figure that out? - Call it experience.
- Thanks a lot. - I'm glad to help.
Yeah. Thanks.
Anytime.
Okay. Thanks a lot.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Can I get in front of you? I just can't wait in line all day.
- My tan will fade. - Well, you hop right in here, honey.
- My name's Moose Myers. What's yours? - I'm Heidi Murphy.
Hi. Can I get in front of you? I just can't stand in line all day.
- My tan will fade. - No.
Once again, a fresh start at a new school.
And I'm back to the end of the line.
That's the story of my life.
When I was growing up, my mother would always say...
"Miriam, don't worry. Your turn will come."
But I was starting to realize that by the time my turn came...
I'd be too old to take it.
I'm your new roommate, Miriam Knight. I saw you at registration.
- I don't remember you. - That's all right. Nobody ever does.
Look. There must be some mistake...
because I requested a single room.
If this is...
412, I'm in the right place.
I can't see a thing without my contacts.
Wait a minute.
Do you think I look better with brown eyes, green, or blue?
You have three pairs of lenses?
I was engaged for a while to an ophthalmologist.
And while I was engaged to him, his wife became pregnant again.
So I figured he wasn't sincere.
Okay. If you're going to stay here and the phone rings...
you answer it.
You see, I'm usually too busy practicing...
because I'm the only cheerleader who can do 35 flip-flops in a row.
And could you stop that sneezing? It throws my timing off.
I'm sorry. I'm allergic to roses.
Hello. Hey!
Relax, there are plenty more where these came from.
Guy who gave them to me is an undertaker.
Hello?
Just a moment, I'll see if she's here. Who's calling, please?
Bill.
No, I'm sorry. She's not here at the moment. I'll tell her you called.
You do that very well.
I've had a lot of practice with former roommates.
If you stay, you will have to take the bottom drawers in the bureau.
That'll be no problem.
I don't have much.
And there's not much room left in the closet.
You'll have to use those hooks at the back.
We're going to get along just fine, Heidi.
Is there a bed under all this?
Hello.
Just a moment. I'll see if she's here. Who's calling please?
Fred.
No, I'm sorry. She's not here at the moment. I'll tell her you called.
What?
I'm Miriam Knight, her new roommate.
What?
He said he's playing pool and asked me to join him. Is that okay?
Go. That should teach him a good lesson.
Yes. I'd love to.
Five minutes?
Fine. Well, how will I know you?
Blue shirt. Okay. Bye.
- Is this your boyfriend? - Sort of.
It was taken on a trip to Washington DC last summer.
He's cute. I just love men with beards.
That's Lincoln. The other one is Herman.
- I really shouldn't. - I shouldn't either.
But when I am nervous, like now, before a blind date...
candy is the only thing that calms me down.
What about making love?
That always does it for me.
I never have. That is my experience...
- My experience is... - What about your boyfriend, Harold?
- Herman. - Herman.
Well, things haven't worked out between me and Herman.
Herman and I have a rather strange relationship.
His father and my father are partners in the plumbing business.
And the families always planned that one day we'd get married.
Everybody thinks it's a great idea...
except Herman.
So what have you been doing in the meantime?
Nothing.
The only person who ever asked me to go to bed was my mother.
- Okay, Fred, it's your shot. - You didn't leave me much, Barry.
- Fred? - Yeah.
Hi. I'm Miriam Knight, Heidi's roommate.
Fred? No. I'm not Fred. I'm Ed.
Fred was here, but he had to leave suddenly.
You must be Fred. You said you were wearing a blue shirt.
Blue? You call that blue?
You guys, does this look like blue to you?
- No. - Sure that's blue.
- It's the same color as the sky. - Exactly. It's gray. It's smog gray.
- Excuse me. - Come on. I know you're Fred.
- You said you were playing pool. - You call what he's doing playing?
- Besides, I recognize your voice. - Okay. I'm Fred.
See, I'm into this very hot pool game.
I got to give these guys a chance to win back their money.
I'm going to be a while here...
so I think we ought to make our date for another night, sometime...
next semester.
I've got time. I'm in no hurry.
Go ahead. I'll watch you play. Nine ball, side pocket.
You can run the table.
Boy, am I thirsty. I could really go for a cream soda.
Don't worry. I'll get it.
- Miriam? - Yes, Fred?
- Get one for each of us, will you? - Sure.
- And Miriam? - Yes, Fred?
- Lay it out, will you? - Glad to.
What hurt me the most was Fred hadn't even tried to get to know me.
He was like all the others. They take one look and that was it.
- What happened to your friends? - Afraid of a little competition, I guess.
The fall semester was four weeks old...
and I hadn't been asked out on a single date.
And this was at a school with 5,000 male students.
What was I doing wrong? What was I doing right?
What should I be doing, if I knew how to do it?
It had never been this bad at any of the other colleges I went to.
And soon, I think we will all realize...
that Macbeth's biggest mistake was not murdering Duncan...
but marrying Mrs. Macbeth. Or, as they call, Lady Macbeth.
Hamlet, on the other hand, failed...
not, I reiterate, not because of a mistake...
but because of a fatal flaw in his nature.
An intense Oedipal relationship between himself...
and his mother, who was Queen Gertrude.
I think that is very, very important.
Mr. Myers?
Would you tell us the basic theme of Oedipus?
Wasn't that the guy who had something wrong with his eyes?
That's the guy who had something wrong with his eyes.
Ms. Knight, perhaps you could help Mr. Myers...
and tell us about the theme of the Oedipus legend.
Easy.
A guy can't kiss his mother on the mouth and get away with it.
We'll continue our discussion of Shakespeare's Hamlet at the next class.
I hope that you all have your assignments.
Mr. Myers, Ms. Knight, will you please remain for a moment?
Mr. Myers, I hope you're aware...
that I'm not about to give you a passing grade...
just because you happen to be one of the stars of our football team.
I am sorry, sir.
I just can't remember all those characters' names.
That will take a little study. Ms. Knight, that's where you come in.
Will you be willing to tutor Moose, to make him understand his assignments...
and make sure that he reads all his plays?
I'd do anything for the football team, Prof. Tilson.
Listen, what was Tilson bugging you about today?
He won't pass me.
I'm first-string, probably all-American.
He won't give me automatic passing grade.
- That's heavy. That's bad stuff. - That's really a shame.
Yeah, but he's trying to be helpful.
- He got me a tutor. - Oh, yeah? Who?
- Who'd he get? - Miriam Knight.
Miriam Knight!
Miriam Knight? She's a dog. She looks horrible.
It was difficult for me to face Moose ever again.
I finally convinced him to overlook my looks...
and let me help him get a passing grade. It was working fine.
In fact, one night he took me to a drive-in movie...
so I could explain the plot of Romeo and Juliet...
and save him from reading it.
Even though he tried to avoid being seen with me...
I was thrilled to be seen with him.
Although he was difficult to see.
In every car around us, lovers were enjoying the movie.
It was hard to keep our minds on the plot.
I had a feeling by this time Moose liked me.
Then I sensed his powerful presence in the darkness beside me.
Oh, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name.
Oh, darling!
- I'm so sorry. - Right in the eye.
Let me help. So sorry.
Get away from me. Pain, hurts.
Of all the times to get a black eye.
I'm supposed to be on television tomorrow night for a pre-season interview.
And it's network.
I didn't mean to do it. Let me look at it.
No. Go get something for it. I don't want anybody to see me like this.
Sure, I'll get you some ice from the refreshment stand.
Hurry up!
Hey, Moose! What kennel did you find her in?
Moose, can I have the pick of the litter?
Hey, Moose. We're going to go for pizza. Why don't you lose her?
- Come on. Will you? - Yeah, come on.
What do you think you're doing with her anyway? Come on.
Come on. What's wrong with you?
- Come on. - Okay.
Moose.
Wherefore art thou, Moose?
So, there I was.
Had again, without being kissed.
Trudging 30 miles back to school in the rain...
I tried to convince myself that it wasn't so bad...
not to have any friends or beaus.
After all, my homely cousin Sheila didn't have any...
and she lived a full and happy life right up to the day of her suicide.
Heidi. Open up. It's me, Miriam.
I'm locked out.
Heidi.
Open up, please.
Don's here.
We're cramming together. Miriam, will you please go away?
- What do you mean, go away? I live here. - Not tonight, you don't.
- You said you'd be out. - Yes. But...
- So stick to your word. - Heidi.
I'm wet through and through.
What am I supposed to do?
Dry off.
Heidi!
- Orphan Annie. - Who, me?
Yeah, you.
What are you doing out here at 4:00 in the morning?
My roommate's studying for a test.
And she can't study when anyone's in the room.
So I'm letting her study.
Looks like you're loitering to me.
Listen. If I was going to loiter...
I'd loiter somewhere nice and warm like a bus terminal.
Let me see your ID.
Hold this.
- There are a hundred library cards here. - My mother's a librarian.
And a card that says you're an honorary member of the union.
My father's a plumber.
And you're what they produced?
A girl who reads books in the bathroom.
Look.
You are not going to run me in on a 732 or an 817, are you?
I could also nab you on a 432 and a 339.
You couldn't get me on a 432. That's intention to breaking and entering.
- You would never prove it. - Where'd you learn police codes?
I took a course in criminal procedures.
- Thinking of being a policewoman? - No. Just wanted to meet guys.
- How'd you do? - Awful.
I finished at the top of my class. All the guys hated me.
Next time be a little dumber.
Thank you, Officer.
Be seeing you.
That's what they all say.
- What? - Nothing. What's your name?
Varone, Ralph.
Is that Varone Ralph or Varone comma Ralph?
Comma.
Good night, kid.
Good night, Varone comma Ralph.
The next morning, after that bad scene with Moose...
I felt so terrible that I tried to kill myself.
At breakfast in the school cafeteria...
I deliberately ate a second helping of chipped beef on toast.
I didn't die.
All I got was indigestion...
but combined with a lulu of a head cold.
It was enough to send me to the infirmary.
Ms. Knight? Miriam Knight?
Yes, I'm Miriam Knight.
Is the doctor ready to see me now?
I am the doctor. Dr. Ted Gates.
I am sorry. You look awfully young.
He is young. His mother still has to pin his rubber gloves to his sleeves.
All right you guys, knock it off.
Would Tedums like to go...
to the delivery room and figure out how the stork gets in?
Will you knock it off?
Little Teddy's getting angry.
- And do you know why? - I got it.
Because he's the only one in the hospital who can wear white and mean it.
The examining room is this way, Ms. Knight.
- Come on, Teddy baby. - Nice.
- Come on, sweetheart, don't... - Come on, Teddy.
Go right through here.
Bye, Teddy.
So then I skipped another term, and here I am.
Youngest intern on the staff, and they never let me forget it.
They never let up on the teasing.
People can be cruel, can't they?
Someday I'm going to prove I'm not just a kid. You know what I mean?
I got so involved talking...
Oh, thanks.
Well, you're normal. It's just a bad cold.
And your chest x-ray doesn't show any infection.
- You look worse than you really are. - That's what everyone says.
You'll be fine.
I enjoyed talking to you.
- I really like you. - I really like you, too.
You do?
Miriam, I know this sounds crazy...
but could we meet tomorrow sometime?
I'd love to.
Well, I'm on duty here after 4:00.
Nothing much ever happens around then.
Could just be the two of us.
That's not bad. What year is it?
Last week. We make it in the lab.
It's good. Must be from the shady side of the room.
- I shouldn't. - Why not?
Wine makes me feel very sexy.
You make me feel very sexy.
- Did that surprise you? - Sort of.
Ted, please. I hardly know you.
How can you say that after I took an x-ray of your chest?
Please, not here.
Why not? You're over 21.
And if two people are over 21 and want each other...
Ted, please. I feel so cheap.
Why can't we be like other couples on their first date and go to a motel?
Miriam?
I love you.
Ted.
I never thought I'd ever hear anyone ever say that to me.
- I can understand that. - Say it again, please.
- I can understand that. - No. The "I love you."
The I love you, Miriam. I love you.
- Ted, listen. - It's nothing, Miriam.
All I hear is silence.
Silence.
Go get her.
Surprise!
Hey, Ted, you did it, baby.
And I had thought he was a nice guy.
He was a doctor.
There was no excuse for this cruelty.
To put me on display in front of those guys.
It wasn't right.
It was degrading.
- David, what we need is a real person. - Granted.
- With tragic overtones to play... - Motivation.
A natural actress.
Where we are going to find her on this campus is beyond me.
Wait a minute. I think I see a real person.
This box represents my heart.
Empty. And empty also are our lives.
So let us have a moment of silence for our Confederate dead.
For our country will never be well...
if we do not cure the illnesses within ourselves.
Miriam, darling. You were marvelous.
You were absolutely terrific.
- No joke? - No joke. Miriam, the part is yours.
I don't believe it. It's the happiest moment of my life.
- Rehearsals start Tuesday evening. - You'll never regret this, Professor.
Even though she's supposed to be pretty, I will make the part believable.
Make sure she has a corrected script.
I mean, we can use a lot of makeup and a lot of flattering lights.
8:00 sharp.
Of course, in my case, the most flattering lights will be black.
Go learn your lines, will you?
I think she's so wrong.
I would do anything to make you change your mind.
Thanks for the offer, but the decision's been made.
- No one will believe her, David. - Oh, yes, they will. She is a natural.
I would like for you to be her understudy and perhaps play a small part.
What?
But I was counting on getting the lead.
Heidi, there are no small parts, only small actors.
What's height got to do with it? Miriam and I are exactly the same size.
David! Prof. Tilson.
Give it up, sweetums. The professor wants Miriam to do it.
So I'll let her...
during the rehearsals.
I really want you to come, Herman.
When you see this play you'll see a whole new side of me.
Well, you could stop off here and see the play...
and go directly on to the plumbing convention.
You will?
Herman, you won't be disappointed. Bye.
Herman's coming.
Doing this play will make the whole semester worthwhile.
You'd better switch hands or you'll make your chest lopsided.
- Come in. - A man is here to see you, Miriam.
A Herman Anderson. Should I send him in?
I am so glad you could come, Herman.
You're really spreading out.
It's my costume for the play.
Funny pants. What is it, historical?
That's right. It's a very evocative portrait of the South.
The South has never been properly understood.
- Just like the plumbing business. - How's that?
No one seems to appreciate the fact...
that we're working hard in order to make everybody a little bit more comfortable.
- You know what I mean? - How is business, Herman?
It keeps on going on.
No matter what happens in the nation economically...
people have still got to do three things.
They've got to be born, they've got to die.
And in the middle, they've got to go to the bathroom.
Right. I am putting in 138 brand-new bathrooms...
in a brand-new hotel. And when I tell you, Miriam...
that they are beautiful, you gotta believe me.
Color coordinated, right down to the plunger.
Sounds terrific. I can't wait to see them.
And next time I'm going to go into franchising.
"Herman Anderson Plumbing." Just like take-out chicken.
- Coast to coast. - Wonderful.
I wish I could help you out somehow.
I could use a bright girl.
I mean, somebody that knows the business.
You could?
Nothing up front where you would meet the customers.
Something in the back, taking inventory, bookkeeping. That sort of thing.
You know what I mean?
And who knows? Maybe one of these days, you and 1...
We might...
Yes, Herman?
Five minutes, Miriam.
- I'd better get to my seat. - Herman?
How about a kiss for luck?
I loved her from the moment I saw her.
She is the most beautiful woman in the world.
I am so glad you brought her home for us to meet.
But not for your approval, mother, but for your enrichment.
As I have been enriched.
George, what a lovely house and garden. This must be your mother.
- How do you do, Mrs. Wainwright? - How do you do, my dear?
George has told me such wonderful things about you.
Place those alongside the wonderful things he has said about you.
My, my. I feel as if I have known you all my life.
I am so glad.
Isn't Miriam terrific? The audience accepted her immediately.
But I'm due at the front.
She will be even more terrific in the next act.
This box represents my heart.
Empty.
And empty also...
are our lives.
Empty also...
are our lives.
Let us now have...
a moment of silence.
Our country will never be well if we do not cure our...
Your hay fever.
Miriam, get back. It's going to be all right. It'll be fine. It'll be...
Hello, Miriam. I see you got my opening-night roses.
Someone get Heidi. She will have to finish the play.
So...
I had Heidi to thank for that humiliation.
She'd made me look like a fool.
Not only in front of half the student body, but in front of Herman.
I wanted to get away from everything, everyone, as fast as possible...
and never come back. Never.
The entire time I was in the hospital...
I was haunted by scenes from college.
Moose, Dr. Ted Gates, Freddie.
And especially Heidi.
All laughing at me.
Any kind of a normal life with a husband and children...
seemed out of the question for me.
After all, who would want to make love to a mummy?
Except a drunken Egyptian.
Gosh, I was depressed.
You have a visitor, Miriam, a very nice-looking young man.
Shall I let him in?
- You may come in how, sir. - Thank you, nurse.
Hey, Miriam. Here, I brought you some candy...
for your...
I tried to get here sooner, but I was too busy.
For somebody who tried to kill himself, you look terrific.
That was what happened in the car, wasn't it?
Well, when they called I said:
"Miriam? Tried to knock herself off? Ridiculous.
"She was probably just fooling around like old times." Right? Right!
Here, let me give you a hand with that. There you go. Right there.
I guess what happened on the stage was the reason for your...
you-know-what attempt. But don't feel bad.
I mean, you were just miscast.
They should have gotten somebody good-looking...
like Elizabeth Taylor.
Miriam, good always comes out of bad.
I didn't realize until the accident how much you mean to me.
I mean, we have known each other all our lives...
and I think it's time I told you what was in my heart.
Miriam, give up.
You have got to realize that you are a very plain girl.
And you've got to accept that once and for all.
You know what I mean?
I got something very interesting to tell you.
Miriam...
I am getting married.
I met this girl at a plumbers' convention.
And it's our plan that we are going to tie the knot in the next four weeks.
You're going to love her.
She is beautiful, talented, and a terrific little bowler. Terrific.
I know that our parents always hoped that, someday, that we'd get married.
But we both realize how ridiculous that is, right?
Anyway, we want you to be our maid of honor.
That's if you can ever walk again.
Well, I'd better get going.
It was great watching you drink your supper.
And sometime I will come back and maybe watch you drink something else.
I'd better take these.
There is no way you are going to get these in there.
Ciao.
It looks like a very fine job, Dr. Hankem.
Why, she's healing beautifully.
In fact, Doctor, I have never seen...
such fantastic plastic surgery in my life.
Good morning, beautiful.
Listen, Miriam, if you're not busy this evening...
Miriam, take a look.
I'm brand-new.
Okay.
When do I turn back into a pumpkin? What's the catch?
There's no catch.
When can I try it out?
Be our guest.
Dr. Green, call surgery.
- Will you watch where you're going? - Okay.
Hey, honey. I'd come to your aid any day.
Yeah. I bet you're really something all dressed up.
You know what gets me?
All of a sudden, men are crawling all over the new me.
But underneath, I'm the same person I always was.
But you're just packaged differently now.
When I think of how cruel people were to me...
But that's all in the past, my dear. Forgotten.
How can I forget?
It's an adjustment you'll have to make. Goodbye, Miriam.
- Be happy. - Be happy, Miriam.
It was easy enough for them to say, "Be happy.”
But how could I, the new Miriam, be happy...
when I knew there were still so many other Miriams out there...
suffering needlessly like I had?
Popularity now seemed so easy, so accessible.
But I had reached a turning point in my life.
When I thought about all the unhappiness I had gone through...
I was determined to pay it back with interest.
Dr. Gates. Dr. Ted Gates.
Call 125,
- Dr. Gates? - Yes.
I'm Nurse Bolin. I've been assigned to assist you.
- Great. Meet me at my place at 7:00. - No. I mean at the hospital.
Fine. Follow me and we'll find a secluded shelf in the linen closet...
as soon as I'm out of surgery.
I always like to get to know all the new nurses on a personal basis.
Don't you think you might go after the wrong woman one day and hurt her?
Impossible. I'd be doing them all a favor.
Dr. Gates, please, no. You've just scrubbed.
You're supposed to be sterile.
- Who will know? The patient is asleep. - This is against all regulations.
What did you do?
I told you, one day you'd go after the wrong woman.
- I'll be out cold in a minute. - That's right.
Oh, no. If I lie here they'll take me into the operating room.
What's wrong with that? You took me in there once.
Only then, you were the operator.
Now, I guess you'll be the operatee.
I don't understand.
I'm Miriam Knight. Remember?
Next!
Have somebody else fill out the death certificate.
- This is the emergency appendectomy. - That's right, Doctor.
Isn't that funny. Looks a lot younger than when I examined him.
All right, let's get to work.
I can't find his appendix.
The man has got appendicitis and he's got no appendix.
It was there an hour ago.
Doctor, the patient is getting shocky.
That's not possible. We just began surgery.
- Blood pressure's dropping. - What is it?
- Sixty over twenty. - That's dropping.
- What's the pulse? - Going up. 140.
- Get some plasma in here on the double. - Right away, Doctor.
You see anything in there?
- Where is that nurse with the plasma? - It's too late. He's dead.
Dead?
How could he be dead? I haven't even taken his appendix out yet.
Well, have somebody else fill out the death certificate.
Next!
All those years of taking offbeat college courses...
in hopes of meeting someone were finally paying off.
My nurse's training had already come in handy.
Now, I had a chance to use my basic aerodynamics.
And underlying everything were three semesters of biology.
Hey. How come I never seen you around here before?
Maybe you were too busy trying to read your letter.
My name's Moose Myers. How'd you like to go out tonight?
Get it on?
- Why wait for tonight? - All right! Great!
I'm so attracted to you.
I haven't been so attracted to an athlete...
since I saw Mark Spitz dry.
Moose.
- Do me a favor. - I'm trying to.
Moose, please.
Not here.
I know just the place.
The Coach's office. He's got a big desk with a roll top.
- No. - We could really be alone.
I know a place that's completely secluded...
where I can let loose the animal in me.
Come on.
You sure the only way to get to this place is by parachute?
Darling, you've got to trust me.
I trust you. It's the guy who packed this parachute I don't trust.
- Okay. - It's simple.
We'll free fall for a while. Then you count to 15.
You can count to 15, can't you?
After that, you just pull this little bitty handle.
I'll be right behind you, baby.
And believe me, it'll all be worth it.
Now. Ready?
Geronimo!
- Do you remember Miriam Knight? - Who?
The girl who helped you study Shakespeare.
Kind of fat and scraggly looking?
You left her in a drive-in movie?
Yeah. I wonder what ever happened to her.
You're looking at her right now, Romeo.
- You're Miriam? - That's right, buddy.
It's time to pull the cord.
- Hey, don't fool around. - I'm not.
But I'm a first-draft draft choice.
What a shame. His chute didn't open.
And I'll never forgive him for getting himself killed.
Did he have any enemies?
None. Are you kidding? Nah.
As a matter of fact, this Saturday is a tribute to him.
At halftime, the marching band is going to form a coffin.
Oh, he was loved.
I loved him like a son.
Big, dumb son.
- Right, fellows? - Right, Coach.
You bet. Now, three laps around the field for Moose.
Three.
Counterclockwise, now. Go get 'em.
Wrong way.
They're our new lawyers, our doctors and our nucleairy physicists.
Nucleairy physicists?
- Heidi Murphy? - In the flesh.
I represent the Acme Cosmetic Company.
- I don't have skin problems. - May I come in?
I never heard of your company.
We're an English firm. Acme Cosmetics Limited.
What does that mean?
We take very few customers outside of the Royal family.
Well, the Queen isn't so hot-looking.
Have you seen her lately? She doesn't look a thing like her stamp.
She's not all one color, you know.
What a charming room.
Look, I have only so many good years to catch a rich husband.
So could you hurry up and tell me what you want?
That's what I want to talk to you about:
Meeting men...
thousands and thousands of men...
as our representative at the Super Bowl game.
Why me?
Because we heard that you are the best cheerleader around.
And we feel our cosmetics are the best.
How do I know they're so hot?
You don't. But I do. I've been using them for years.
Would you believe that I am 61 years old?
Now, tell me the truth.
Do I look it?
Well, not in this light.
Miss Murphy, now that I see you better...
- I do feel you're not for us. - What?
- What are you talking about? - Your body.
It's a bit flabby, old girl. A bit out of condition.
We wouldn't want to be represented by someone the fans could shout...
"Here comes fat, fat, the water rat" at.
Wait. My body's in as good a shape as ever.
I am sorry.
Oh, wait. Please wait.
Let me show you what I can do.
If that's the best you can do, the answer is definitely "no."
- What? - You're too old to do the back handspring.
Old? Look, Grandma, if anybody is old around here, it's you.
So come right over here and stand out of the way.
Look out, you old witch.
Thanks for the roses.
Hello?
Oh, just a moment. I'll see if she's here.
No. I'm sorry. She just dropped out of sight. Bye.
- She had an English accent, I think. - English accent.
And she asked for Heidi's room number...
and said Heidi was waiting for her.
- What did she look like? - She had red hair. I remember that.
And pants, very attractive.
And she carried a little case.
Case. A little case.
I am going to wear it.
I love it on you.
I'm going to take it.
Is there anyone who would have wanted to see Heidi Murphy killed?
Oh, everyone.
What I mean is, she was kind of stuck on herself.
What we're trying to tell you is, it's not like we lost a good friend.
Right.
Jelly bean.
- Did she ever have a roommate? - Often.
He means a girl.
Wait. I remember. What's her name? She was always blowing her nose.
- She was allergic to roses. - Yeah.
Blowing her nose? Allergic to roses.
What were you saying?
She was the kind of girl nobody would notice.
- Miriam Knight. - That's the name.
She left school a while ago.
Anyone know where she went?
Where she lives?
No. She wasn't very attractive.
I think she was most unhappy all the while she was with us.
I remember once, I heard some guys playing pool put her down real heavy.
Oh, yeah. I heard it was Fred Ames and those guys.
Fred Ames and those guys.
Well, you haven't given me much to go on.
But thank you, anyway.
- Don't you have any clues at all? - Just one.
Moose, Heidi, the doctor...
were all killed by the same mysterious woman...
and a very clever operator. A super-criminal.
- Well, can't you find even one clue? - No.
The case is airtight.
- But what a break for me. - Why?
It'll give me a chance to solve the perfect crime.
I'll find the killer.
No entry through there.
Thank you for your help. Excuse me.
Thanks again.
This is the one.
How could he ever find the killer? He can't even find the door.
I knew the police were on to the case.
But I was confident I had covered my trail well.
And now it was Herman's turn.
As I stood there looking at him, so many memories came back.
The times we had played doctor and he had insisted I be the receptionist.
And the night of our senior prom, when he had stood me up...
forcing me to go with my cousin, and my cousin had been furious...
as she had her own date and didn't want to take me, either.
Thank you. We gave already.
- I'm not collecting money. Open up. - We have a Bible.
Herman, it's me, Miriam.
I just got out of the hospital.
But you're the wrong Miriam.
They let the wrong Miriam out of the hospital.
Believe me, Herman, it's me.
You're entirely new. You've been remodeled.
I've seen it done to a toilet before, but never to a person.
Herman. Please.
You're married now. You mustn't fool around.
Who's fooling? I'm serious.
From the very first moment I saw you tonight...
I knew we were always meant for each other.
It's too late. You've made your bed, now lie in it.
- I will, if you join me. - Herman!
Miriam, you don't understand. I want to marry you.
I want to call the accountant the first thing in the morning...
- and tell him to start divorce proceedings. - I just don't know.
I tell you what.
We'll go away for a weekend and we'll be able to discuss it at length.
I promise I won't touch you.
Well, if it's just to talk, we can use my place.
It's secluded.
Miriam, you look as lovely in that negligee as I thought you would.
Thank you, Herman.
It's a lovely gift.
And you kept the price tag on like I asked you to.
That way, if we're careful, I can return it on Monday.
Come here, darling.
Careful.
- You happy? - Very, very happy.
You're a very lucky woman.
You're going to be marrying a very unusual man.
I'm an intellectual...
an ardent lover...
and a brilliant plumber.
Speechless with delight?
Did I hear something?
It's just something dripping.
It's the bathtub. It has a bad leak. It needs a new washer.
- I'll fix it the first thing in the morning. - Oh, please, darling. Do it now.
- No, in the morning. - It'll ruin the floor. It'll only take a minute.
I don't have my tools or a washer.
- Didn't I see a wrench in the bathroom? - A wrench?
Please. You take care of that...
and I'll take care of you.
Miriam.
Miriam, what are you doing?
Miriam, there's a bad leak in here.
You always told me what a great plumber you were, darling.
All you have to do is change a washer.
Miriam.
Now, this is not funny. I mean, the water's up to my knees.
There's no window in here.
Miriam!
Tread water, darling. I'll go for help.
Miriam, where are you going to find a plumber at this time of the night?
I'll go to the yellow pages and let my fingers do the walking.
Miriam!
Is this the way you were going to take care of me?
Miriam!
Miriam, for heaven's sakes!
This is no way for a plumber to end his days!
Miriam!
I can't swim.
Live by the sword, die by the sword.
The one mistake I made...
was to go to Herman's funeral.
But I had to. I mean, he was family. My mother would have had a fit.
And our town will never again see the likes of Herman Anderson.
He was a devoted husband, a pillar of the community...
and a reasonably-priced plumber who actually showed up.
He died a plumber's death.
He died on the job...
trying to fix a leak with nothing but his bare hands...
and his mouth.
It hurts all of us to see such a life go...
as one might say, down the drain.
But Herman is happy now.
He is up there, in that big bathroom in the sky...
whose walls are made of marble...
It's a sad day, isn't it?
- Did you know Herman Anderson? - No.
I was here earlier for another funeral at 10:30.
I just came to compare eulogies.
How well did you know the deceased?
Indirectly.
But I felt I should come and pay my respects.
May I say that your black-on-black outfit is ravishing?
Yes.
They say he was a nice guy...
murdered by a very clever woman.
- A lover's quarrel perhaps. - No one knows for sure.
We have no clues.
- You are a policeman. - Yes.
With a very difficult job.
Chasing a clever woman murderess...
is always difficult job.
I know.
Funerals...
are always...
so sad.
Yes.
Bless you.
I'm sorry. I must go.
I'm due at a brunch.
Yoo-hoo!
I'd like you to punch me out a profile on a former student...
Miriam Knight, with a "K."
- Yes, sir, with a "K." - With a "K."
Thank you.
It's all here.
Plumber's daughter.
Allergic to roses.
Took courses in nursing...
sky diving, biochem...
police procedure.
Championship billiards.
Championship billiards?
Holy moly!
You're pretty good with the stick, baby.
You some kind of a pool hustler?
Are you kidding? No, I just play for the love of the game.
I can tell you really know how to play pool.
- Want to play a round? - I don't play around.
No. I mean a round of pool.
- Loser buys the drinks? - You're on.
What do you drink?
Cream soda. Straight.
Love it. I've got six cases in my room.
- What's your game? - Eight ball.
It's about the only game I play well.
Eight ball it is, then.
First guy to get all their balls in gets to sink the eight ball.
Right.
You want to break?
Sure.
- I think you and I'd better have a little talk. - Whatever for?
- I think you know. - I don't.
I've got to ask you a few questions.
Hey! Wait a minute, man. What's all this about?
- I have to book this lady. - Yeah? For what?
- We're playing a game here. - A game?
Yeah. A game.
It's police business, pally.
Is this for real?
Remember a girl in college called Miriam Knight?
No.
Well, this is hard for you to understand, but I'm probably saving your life, sonny.
Shall we go?
Thank you, Officer.
- I guess he got behind the eight ball. - How do you like that?
I never figured on the old exploding eight ball trick.
It's all over. I know everything.
You were brilliant. Super.
I've never met such an incredibly inventive mind such as yours.
I mean it.
I've chased after a lot of women, but none have fascinated me like you.
Your style...
your eyes...
your modus operandi.
- You mean that, Ralph? - I do.
You got great talent.
A unique talent, close to genius.
- Ralph. - What?
You understand me.
All my life I've been looking for a man who would love me...
- for my mind. - You've found him.
And he's found you.
Miriam Knight, case number 187...
is closed. 10-4.
Ralph.
I feel so secure with you.
You may not know this by looking at me...
but I'm a very lonely man.
I wish we could be together like this forever.
I was hoping you'd say that.
What did you have in mind?
Tahiti, maybe.
- I'm an officer of the law. - And I'm a woman.
- Makes my choice very difficult. - Very simple.
The law or me.
And so, you see, this is a fairy tale with a happy ending.
I finally found the right man and married him.
Someone who loves me for the real me inside.
Okay. So it's not perfect. And we won't be together.
But at least we won't get on each other's nerves.
Besides, I'll be up for parole in 10 or 20 years.
But just in case I'm turned down...
I've started taking a mail-order course on the life of Houdini.
May the Lord bless and keep you.
Amen.
Bless you.