Do I smell cupcakes?
- Ooh! Do I ever!\n-Uh-uh, Homer.
Lisa's making these\nfor her teacher.
Ah. Say no more.
- Yum! Don't mind ifl do.\n- Bart!
- Oh, man!\nKeep your greasy mitts outta there.
- These are for Lisa's class.\n- It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday.
- you know, there are names\nfor people like you.\n- No, there aren't.
- Teacher's pet,\napple polisher, butt kisser--\n- Bart!
- You're saying "buttkisser"\nlike it's a bad thing.\n- Huh?
Well, you see, boy, it never hurts\nto grease the wheels a little.
I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad.\nI like my teacher.
Sure, Lis.\nyou see how it works, Bart?
A cupcake here,\na good grade there.
Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart\nand I pay attention and I study hard.
Yeah, right, Lisa.\nIt's the three roads to success, Bart:
work, brains and hmm--
Oh, brother.
- Uh-oh, school bus. Gotta go.
Heh-heh-heh.\nDoh!
- Yo, Ottoman!\n- Yo, Bart dude!
Hey, can you\nbelieve it, man?
My sister here made a whole pile\nup cupcakes to butter up her teacher,
and she won't give anybody else\neven one measly little crumb.
That's bad news, man.
Here, Otto.\nI made an extra one for you.
- Oh, thanks, little lady.\n- You're welcome.
- Whoa!
- Better let me hold these, Lis.\n- Forget it.
- you sniveling toad!\nyou little egg sucker!\n- Tell me more.
Back-scratcher. Foot-licker.\nHonor student!
You'll never get one now,\nMr. Name-caller.
All right, all right.\nLook, I'm sory. I-I got upset.
In the heat of the moment,\nI said some things I didn't mean.
- you weren't thinking, were you?\n-No.
-I'm not a sniveling toad, am I?\n-Not really.
I'm not a little\negg sucker, am I?
- Of course not.\n- Then what am I?
- A beautiful human being.\n- What do you like best about me?
Well, I'd have to say...
your generous nature,\nyour spirit of giving.
Well--
Open your mouth and close your eyes,\nand you will get a big surprise.
Ahh!
Thanks, Lis.\nYou're the best.
- Look, Janey. Cupcakes.\n- Ah, give me that!
Hey, give those back!
- Hey, what's the big idea?\nThat's my sister, man.\n- So what?
So give her back those cupcakes\nbefore I knock your block off.
Don't, Bart!\nHe's a friend of Nelson Muntz!
Ooh!
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Wha--
Nelson,\nyou're bleeding.
Nah, happens all the time.\nSomebody else's blood splatters on me.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're right.\nyou made me bleed my own blood!
It was an accident, man. A terrible,\nghastly mistake. Ask anybody.
Uh-oh.\nA cold wind.
Hello, kids.\nEverything above the board here?
Good. Play friendly,\nchildren.
- Uh-oh, there's your bell.
Come along, now, all of you.\nNo dawdling, now.
- I'll get you after school, man.\n- But--
No, no, no.\nHe'll get you after school, son.
- Now hurry up. It's time for class.\n- But--
Scoot, young Simpson.\nThere's learning afoot.
Okay, Nelson,\nput up your dukes!
Whaa!
Yikes!\nUh-uh-uh!
Ha, ha, ha!
- Ha, ha, ha!\n- Oh.
Aah!
- Uh-oh. Stop!\n- Mmm!
Lunchtime!\nHa, ha, ha!
- Lunchtime!\n- Aah!
Lunchtime, Bart.\nIt's lunchtime.
I ain't gonna get out\nof the fourth grade alive.
You've gotta tell\nPrincipal Skinner, Bart.
I can't squeal.
It would violate the\ncode of the schoolyard.
Hey, everybody!
Here comes my brother,\nBart the bully-killer!
- Yeah!\n- You're our hero, Bart!
Look, eveybody. I would just as soon\nnot make a big deal out of this.
I'm not sayin'\nI'm not a hero.
I'm just saying that\nI fear for my safety.
Look out!
Nelson, it was\nall a mistake.
This is how it\nhappened, man.
Listen up.\nyou may get a kick out of it.
My sister was making cupcakes\nthis morning and--
I'll see you\nat the flagpole at 3:15.
And you better\nbe prompt.
He has four other beatings\nscheduled this afternoon.
Good-bye,\nlittle dude.
- He looks so lifelike, man.\n- Yes.
The school nurse did\na wonderful job...
- reconstructing his little face\nafter the fight.
Good-bye, son.\nI guess you were right.
All that homework\nwas a waste of your time.
Thanks, Bart.\nWe got the day off from school for this.
- Yeah, and I got\nthe day off from work.\n- Homer!
Who wants a day off from work when I'm\nnever gonna see my beloved son again?
Oh, Bart!\nOh, Bart!
That's better,\nHomer.
Be brave.\nBye-bye, Bart.
you were always my special little guy.
Bart, here's that\ncupcake you wanted.
I can't help but think ifl had just\ngiven it to you in the first place,
this whole horrible tragedy\ncould have been avoided.
I know you can't\neat it now,
so I'll just place it\nlovingly on your forehead.
Hey, look.\nThey got food at this thing.
- Here's one for the road, dude.
- Aah!\n- Put 'em up.
Oh! Boy, you sure\ntaught me a lesson.
Whoo.\nThanks, guys.
I guess now all that's left\nis a hearty handshake.
Right, guys?
I'm gonna get you again\ntomorrow, Simpson.
- Is 3:15 good for you?
Uh, not really.
Too bad.
Oh, no.
Oh, man,\nthat guy's tough to love.
Hi, Mom.\nHi, Dad.
- Tough day at school, boy?\n- Bart, what happened to you?
Let's just say I paid the inevitable\nprice for helping out my sister.
So, you had a little\nscuffle, eh? Heh-heh.
Hope you won.
I'm gonna miss you,\nbig guy.
Bart, your mother\nhas the fool idea...
that you're upset\nabout something.
Dad, I need help.\nPlease. Oh.
Now come on, Bart.
We don't want your mother\nto see you cying.
- Here.\n- Oh, man.
Let me help you\ndy those tears.
So what's\nthe problem, son?
- I had a run-in with a bully.\n- A bully?
Come on, Marge! I don't bug\nyou when you're helping Lisa.
Well, Bart, I hope you're going\nstraight to the principal about this.
I guess\nI could do that.
What? And violate the code of\nthe schoolyard? I'd rather Bart died.
What on earth are you\ntalking about, Homer?
The code of the\nschoolyard, Marge.
The rules that teach a boy to be a man.\nLet's see.
Don't tattle. Always make fun\nof those different from you.
Never say anything...
unless you're sure everyone feels\nexactly the same way you do.
- What else?\n- Homer, that's ridiculous.
Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you\ntry a little understanding?
- What do you mean, Mom?\n- Yeah, right.
- This oughta be good for a laugh.\n- Shh!
This bully friend of yours,\nis he a little on the chunky side?
- Yeah, he's pretty chunkified,\nall right.\n- Mm-hmm.
And I'll bet he doesn't do well\nin his studies, either.
No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all\nthe same special classes I am.
- That's why he lashes out at the world.\n- Oh, Marge.
So tomorrow, instead of bickering\nwith this boy, talk to him.
You'll be surprised how far\na little understanding will go.
Well, thank you very much,\nMrs. Maharishi Gandhi.
- Let's go, boy.
Now here's that bully of yours.\nShow me your stuff.
No, no! Not like that!\nLike this!
See that, boy?
you didn't expect that, did you?\nAnd neither will he.
you mean I should\nfight dirty, Dad?
Unfortunately, son,\nwe Simpsons...
sometimes have to bend the rules\na little in order to hold our own.
Amen.
So the next time this bully thinks\nyou're gonna throw a punch,
you throw a glob\nof mud in his eyes!
And then you sock him when\nhe's staggerin' around blinded!
- Yeah!\n- And there's nothing wrong...
with hitting someone\nwhen his back is turned.
- Gotcha.\n- And if you get the chance,
get him right\nin the familyjewels.
That little doozy's been\na Simpson trademark for generations.
Thanks, Pop.
- Whoa!\n- Put 'em up!
Ha!\nOoh!
Remember\nthe familyjewels, son.
Hmm?
Oh, no, boys.\nNot the can, please.
- Doh!
Bart, you can't\ngo on like this.
I know.
- Why don't you go see Grandpa?\n- What can he do?
He'll give you good advice.\nHe's the toughest Simpson alive.
- He is?\n- Yeah.
Remember the fight he put up\nwhen we put him in the home?
I'm here\nto see Grandpa.
Half the people here\nare named Grandpa.
- Well, Grandpa Simpson then.
Second floor, third\ndank room on the left.
Thanks, lady.
" Dear Advertisers,
I am disgusted with the way\nold people are depicted on television.
We are not all vibrant,\nfun-loving sex maniacs.
Many of us are bitter,\nresentful individuals...
who remember\nthe good old days...
when entertainment\nwas bland and inoffensive.
The following\nis a list of words...
I never want to hear\non television again.
Number one: bra.
Number two: horny.
Number three:\nfamilyjewels."
- Hi, Grandpa!\n- Bart, what brings youhere?
I need some advice,\nGrandpa.
See, there's this bully at school\nwho keeps beating me up.
Let me tell you\nsomethin', boy.
If youdon't\nstand up foryourself,
bullies are gonna be pickin' on you\nfor the rest of your life.
Simpson, give me\nyour newspaper!
- Why should I?\n- I wanna do the crossword puzzle.
No, I want to do\nthe crossword puzzle!
- I said, give me that puzzle.\n- No.
- Give me! Give me!\n- No! No!
Heh-heh-heh.
Well, I guess I can't help you,\nbut I know someone who can.
- Here?\n- Yep, this is it.
What's the password?
- Let me in, you idiot!\n- Yeah, right you are.
So, Herman, has the\nlarge-type edition...
of this month's Soldier Of Fortune\ncome in yet?
No, not yet.
- Can I interest you in\nsome authentic Nazi underpants?\n- No!
Actually, we came over because\nI want you to meet my grandson, Bart.
Ah. Hello,\nyoung American.
Hello, sir.\nUh, Mr. Herman?
- Yes?
Did you lose your arm\nin the war?
My arm? Well,\nlet me put it this way.
Next time your teacher tells you\nto keep your arm inside\nthe bus window, you do it!
Yes, sir,\nI will.
Bart's got a problem with\na local young bully named Nelson.
I thought you could help him\nwith some kind of strategy.
Strategy. Hmm.\nHow many men do you have?
- None.\n- You'll need more.
And you'll need to train them hard!\nNow, let's see.
Ah. Okay.
The key to Springfield\nhas always been Elm Street.
The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians\nknew it. Now you know it.
First you'll need\na declaration of war.
Uh, ah! That way, eveything\nyou do will be nice and legal.
Okay, I can use this one\nfrom the Franco-Prussian War.
I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck"\nto read " Bart Simpson."
- Psst!
- Grandpa, I think this\nguy's a little nuts.\n- Oh, yeah?
Well, General George S. Patton\nwas a little nuts.
And this guy is completely\nout of his mind.
We can't fail!
Psst!\nPass it on!
So, Mister,\nwhat are we doin' here anyway?
I wonder\nwhere Bart is.
Yeah. It's way past\n1500 hours.
Okay, we all know\nwhy we're here, right?
- No. Why?\n- To fight Nelson the bully.
That guy has been tormenting all of us\nfor years, and I for one am sick of it.
I can't promise you victoy.\nI can't promise you good times.
But the one thing I do know--\nWhoa, whoa!
All right! Okay! I promise you\nvictoy! I promise you good times!
I got a " B"\nin arithmetic
Would've got an "A"\nbut I was sick
Aah!
We are rubber\nyou are glue
It bounces off of us\nand sticks to you
- Sound off\n- One, two
- Sound off\n- Three, four
- Go!
- What's the matter with you, soldier?\n- It's my nerves, sir.
I just can't stand\nthe barking anymore.
Your nerves?\nI won't have cowards in my army.
- Ow!\n- Sory, Bart.
you can push them\nout of a plane,
you can march them\noff a cliff,
you can send 'em off to die\non some godforsaken rock,
but for some reason,\nyoucan't slap 'em.
Now apologize to\nthat boy right now.
- Sorry, man.\n- It's cool.
In English class\nI did the best
Because I cheated\non the test
- Sound off\n- One, two
- I can't hear you!\n- Three, four
All right, there's your enemy.\nNow hit him!
Hithim!
Let's go, next group.\nMartinez! Steinberg!
O'Hara! Chang!\nOlajuwon! Herman!
Die! Die!
We are happy\nWe are merry
We got a rhyming\ndictionary
- Sound off\n- One, two
- One more time!\n- Three, four
Bring it\non home now!
One, two, three, four\nOne, two, three, four
Nelson's at\nthe Elm Street Video Arcade.
Intelligence indicates he shakes down\nkids for quarters at the arcade.
Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart\nfor a cherry Squishy.
Then that's where\nwe'll hit him.
When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart,\nwe start the saturation bombing.
- We got the water balloons?\n- Two hundred rounds, sir.
Is it okay if they say\n" Happy Birthday" on the side?
Well, I'd rather they say " Death\nFrom Above," but I guess we're stuck.
Okay, our main force will\nbe split into two groups.
One will circle around this way\nto cut off the enemy's retreat,
the other will drive in this way,\nclosing the trap.
- It's a classic pincers movement.\nIt can't fail against a ten-year-old.\n- Heh-heh!
- Nelson's at the arcade, General.\n- Battle stations.
- I feel so alive!\n- you know,
I thought\nI was too old.
I thought\nmy time had passed.
I thought I'd never hear\nthe screams of pain...
or see the look of terror\nin a young man's eyes.
Thank heaven\nfor children.
Hey, good Squishies.
- What flavor did you get?\n- Blue.
Hey, yout wo birds!
You're gonna be suckin' all\nyour meals through straws if\nyou don't shut your traps.
Well, looky here.
Little Bart Simpson.
Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna\nhave to teach youa lesson.
Ha! Oh, yeah?\nyouand what army?
This one.
Artillery,
commence\nsaturation bombing!
Hey!
All right, you kids!\nKeep it down!
Am I making myself--
Heh-heh-heh!\nGot him!
You, up in the tree.\nThe tall gray-haired kid.
Get your butt down here\nright now! Doh!
No! Please!
- Don't hurt us!\n- Oh, we surrender.
W-W-We were only\nfollowin' orders!
Eww!\nKnock it off!
I guess you learned your lesson,\nso now I'll untie you.
The second you untie me,\nI'm gonna beat you to death, man.
Well, if that's gonna be your attitude,\nI'm not gonna untie you.
Ha! You're gonna\nhave to sometime.
Uh-oh.\nHe's right.
Don't you wory.\nI was ready for this little eventuality.
Armistice treaty,\narticle four.
" Nelson is never again to raise\nhis fists in anger." Article five.
" Nelson recognizes Bart's right\nto exist." Article six.
"Although Nelson shall have\nno official power,
he shall remain a figurehead\nof menace in the neighborhood."
Wow. Sounds good to me.\nOkay, I'll sign.
- What about you, boy?\n- All right, I'll sign.
- Are you boys through playing war?\n- Yes, Mrs. Simpson.
- Good. Then here's some cupcakes.\n- Oh, boy!
- Cupcakes.\n- Mmm!
Ladies and gentlemen,\nboys and girls,
contray to what\nyou've just seen,
war is neither\nglamorous nor fun.
There are no winners.\nOnly losers.
There are no good wars,\nwith the following exceptions:
The American Revolution, World War I,\nand the Star Wars trilogy.
if you'd like to learn more\nabout war, there's lots of books\nin your local libray--
many of them with\ncool, goy pictures.
Well, good night, eveybody.\nPeace, man.