Bob 等会我 Hey, Bob, wait up.
日光拥抱地球 【注：选自雪莱诗"爱的哲学"】 "And sunlight clasped the earth
月光亲吻海洋 "and the moonbeams kiss the sea
这些亲吻又有何用 "What are all these kissings worth
若你亲吻的不是我 "if thou kiss not me?"
结束 That's it.
-Mike -老师 我想问的是 - Mike. - Mr. Brackett, okay.
你真的教过Cameron Drake吗 That Cameron Drake guy, did you really teach him?
没错 事实上就在这间教室里 Yes, I did, Mike. Right here in this very room.
对于这首诗 大家有没有什么要问的 Do you have a question about the poem?
说吧 Meredith Yes, Meredith.
Cameron在这念书时有女朋友吗 When Cameron went here, did he have a girlfriend?
-别闹了 -Jack - Please. - Jack!
- Brackett老师 -Vciky - Mr. Brackett. - Vicky.
-是和诗歌相关的问题吗 -是的 - Does this have to do with the poem? - Oh, yeah.
关于英语文学或者浪漫主义诗歌的? You have a comment about English literature or Romantic poetry?
-没错 -好吧 - Absolutely. - Oh, let's hear it.
Cameron在这学习过英语文学 Well, when Cameron went here and he studied English literature
和浪漫主义诗歌 and Romantic poetry...
他是不是很可爱 ...was he really cute?
没有 他做了整容手术 改头换面 No, he's had massive surgery. A complete overhaul.
就像变色龙一样 He was an iguana.
不过 他确实喜欢诗歌 But you know, he loved this poem.
打扰一下 Brackett老师 Excuse me, Mr. Brackett.
老师 Mr. Brackett.
Jack Jack.
-有消息了 -什么 - It's here. - What?
印第安纳州立大学来信了 From Indiana State.
然后呢 你好啊Joe And? Hey, Joe.
你帮我打开吧 我太紧张了 Will you open it? It'll make it a lot easier.
万一我要是没... I mean, what if I...
估计肯定没有被录取 I... I mean, I'm not gonna get in.
信上肯定这么说 "就你? 别想了" I bet that it just says, "Nice try, you moron.
"你根本不行 赶快从这消失" "You loser, get lost. Get out of here."
Jack 他们不是这么说的 That's not quite the way they put it, Jack.
-太好了 你被录取了 还是全额奖学金 -真的吗 - Yes. You're in! Full scholarship! - Yes? Yes?
-太棒了 -太好了 - Way to go! - Yes!
我们要练习了 你们在干嘛 Gentlemen, are we having a practice?
我们不能去了 因为我们的教练 Uh, we can't, you know? It's our coach.
他这周就要结婚了 You know, he's getting married this week.
是啊 没错 Yes, that's correct.
但是他喝多了 And he's drunk.
我什么时候喝多了? I'm drunk?
就是现在 Pretty soon!
你们啊 You guys!
恭喜啊 Brackett先生 Congratulations, Mr. Brackett!
太漂亮了 You're so beautiful.
Howard Howard.
你看上去完美极了 You look exquisite.
诶 我真希望我父母能看到我穿婚纱的模样 Oh, I just wish my folks were still here.
他们肯定做梦都想不到 They never thought it would happen.
有一天能见到我结婚 They never thought I'd get married.
亲爱的 我们以后就是你的家人 We're your family now, dear.
我不仅是Howard的母亲 也是你的母亲 I'm not just Howard's mom. I'm yours.
-你以后要小心了 -不过 你上个月来的时候 - Beware. - But, honey, when you walked in here last month,
我几乎快认不出你来了 I almost died. I didn't recognize you.
-她瘦了很多 -她是不是美极了 - She's worked very hard. - Isn't she a knockout?
-那当然 -我从小到大一直都很胖 - Absolutely. - Well, I just have been fat my whole life,
我可不想在自己的婚礼上胖墩墩的 and I was not gonna waddle down that aisle,
那时候我看了Richard Simmons的瘦身视频 and when I saw that Richard Simmons infomercial...
我可喜欢他了 I love him.
还记得他那时真的去了那个女人家里 Well, remember when he actually went to that woman's house
那个女的居然跟着健身操减了400磅的体重【约181kg】 who lost over 400 pounds using the tapes?
记得 Oh, yes.
我当时就想 "要是她能做到 我也一定能行" I just thought, "If she can do it, so can I."
你做到了 新娘配饰店 感谢你 And you did. Bridal Barn, we salute you.
-穿上就和紧身衣似的 -爸 别这么说 - It's a straitjacket is what it is. - Dad.
这可是经典款 J-12系列 It's a classic, the J-12.
你知道吗 镇上每个人都过来 You know, everybody in town's been stopping by,
打听你的婚礼 revving up for your nuptials.
这件怎么样 Look at this.
儿子 这样好吗 Oh, son, I don't know.
托梅款 The Torme.
感谢大家前来 Thank you. Well, uh,
几天后我和Emily就要结婚了 in just a few short days, Emily and I will be married
在漫长的三年等待后 after three long years.
你也许想问 "为什么等了三年才结婚" Now, what, you may be asking yourself, was the problem?
这可是你自己问的 You said it!
Becky阿姨 我有问题的答案 Well, Aunt Becky, I think I have the answer.
我发誓我不会结婚 I vowed that I would not be married
除非Cameron Drake提名奥斯卡 until Cameron Drake was nominated for an Oscar.
我以为这个赌注万无一失 I thought I was safe.
今天是个大日子 至少对Cameron是这样 Now tonight's the night, for Cameron, at least,
大家可以回到各自的生活 and so I'll let you all get back to your sets,
等到这周日 感谢我的父母 and this Sunday, thanks to my mom and dad
当然还有Emily and Emily,
将是我生命中最快乐的一天 it's gonna be the happiest day of my life.
Cameron要是真的赢下奥斯卡就好了 Wouldn't it be extraordinary if Cameron actually wins?
我还教过他呢 You remember I had him.
-真的吗 -嗯 我当时是实习老师 - You did? - Yeah, I was a student teacher.
教高二英语 It was sophomore English.
他每天放学后都会来找我补功课 He used to come every day after school for extra help.
我们那一年都在背诵罗密欧与朱丽叶 We spent the whole year reciting Romeo and Juliet to each other.
真的吗 就你们两个人? Oh, really? Just the two of you?
想什么呢 他还是个学生 He was just a student.
嗯 好吧 Hmm, well, all right.
哪个频道 Now, which channel?
谁想来点电影绝配爆米花 Hmm. Who wants movie-style buttery lite?
给我来点 Me, I do.
准备好记录本和铅笔 Score pads and pencils!
Gretchen 最佳纪录片你选了哪部 Gretchen, what do you have for best documentary?
关于波兰矿工 Something about Polish mine workers
和他们争取自由的故事 and their struggle to be free.
我真心希望Sally Field 能赢 I hope that nice Sally Field wins.
但是她没有提名啊 But she's not nominated.
我不管 Even so.
快开始了 It's almost time.
快开电视 快点 Oh, turn it on. Turn it on.
我在美国好莱坞为您报道 The place, Hollywood, USA.
我是娱乐内幕新闻的Peter Malloy This is Peter Malloy for Inside Entertainment
欢迎大家和我一起走进好莱坞的明星之夜 inviting you to join me for Hollywood's night of nights,
第68届奥斯卡颁奖典礼 the 68th Annual Academy Awards.
女士们 先生们 Ladies and gentlemen,
又一位银幕传奇 奥斯卡奖得主 乌比·戈德堡 here is another screen legend, an Oscar winner herself, Miss Whoopi Goldberg!
乌比 乌比 我爱你 Whoopi! I love you, Whoopi!
乌比 你觉得Cameron Drake的胜算如何 So, Whoop, Cameron Drake. His chances?
我觉得他非常优秀 I think this kid is incredible.
-性感 人又很好 -是Cameron - He is so sexy, so sweet. - It's Cameron!
我非常喜欢他 他是最棒的 I mean, I just adore him. I mean, and he's just the best there is, you know?
Cameron Drake来了 It's Cameron Drake!
看看他啊 There he is! Look.
Cameron Cameron!
Cameron Cameron Cameron Cameron, Cameron! Cameron!
他太酷了 He is just so cool.
他下巴上留的是什么 What is that stuff on his chin?
-他看起来就像个巨魔娃娃 -像刚起床似的 - He looks like a troll doll. - Did he just wake up?
闭嘴 Shut up.
女士们先生们 美国最炙手可热的明日之星 Ladies and gentlemen, here comes America's hottest young star
人物杂志年度性感先生 and People magazine's sexiest man of the year, poor guy,
Cameron Drake Cameron Drake.
大家好 Hello. Hey.
你好 Hey.
Cameron 今天可是关键一战啊 So, Cameron, tonight's the big night.
-你是最佳男主的热门人选 -是的 - All the marbles. Planet Cameron. - Right.
-你说什么 -我说是的 - Uh, excuse me? -I said right.
大家都说你今晚不会空手而归 Yeah. Everyone's saying that you won't be going home empty-handed.
你怎么看 麻烦大点声 How do you feel about that? And speak up.
对于我来说 Well, basically to me,
奖项是没有意义的 awards are meaningless.
我是个艺术家 最重要的是我的作品 Um, I'm an artist, it's about the work.
所有的提名者都是艺术家 All the nominees are artists.
我们不应该像野狗一样撕咬角逐 We shouldn't be forced to compete with each other like dogs.
我明白你的意思 说得好 Oh, I hear you. Good point.
那你为什么还要来参加典礼呢 So then why are you here?
万一我赢了呢 In case I win.
我们现在回到第68届奥斯卡颁奖典礼现场 And now we return to the 68th Annual Academy Awards.
接下来颁发奥斯卡最佳男主角奖 Coming up, the Oscar for best performance by an actor.
女士们先生们 有请颁奖嘉宾Glenn Close Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Glenn Close.
最后一名最佳男主角提名者 And now our final nominee for best actor,
Cameron Drake Cameron Drake.
Cameron的走红离不开勇敢的决定和个人魅力 Cameron rocketed to stardom with courage and charisma,
他在大热影片 "保家卫国" tackling the role of a brave gay soldier
扮演一位勇敢的同性恋士兵 in the breakthrough film To Serve And Protect.
挺住 Danny You're gonna make it, Danny.
我爱你 Billy I love you, Billy.
什么 你指的是朋友之爱 Wait. Do you love me as a friend?
-还是其他的感情 -其他的 Billy - Or in another way? - Another way, Billy.
好哥们那种? You mean as a brother?
不是 其他的 No, another way.
-手足之情? -不是 再想想 - You mean as a cousin? - No, another way.
笔友的友谊? You mean as a pen pal?
啊 我腿疼 My legs hurt.
开始诉讼程序 Proceed.
Stevens中尉 Lieutenant Stevens,
你曾两次授紫心勋章嘉奖 you've been awarded two Purple Hearts
一次国会荣誉奖章 and a Congressional Medal of Honor.
你拯救了整个行动小组的生命 You saved the lives of your entire unit.
然而 你的中士 However, your sergeant has come across
却在你的更衣柜发现了这些物品 the following items in your footlocker.
请你告知本庭这些东西是否属于你 Will you kindly tell the court if they are yours?
一封写给另一位士兵的私人信件 A personal letter to another soldier.
糟了 Oh, no.
是我的 Yes, sir.
一张照片 署名"Danny 旧金山" A photograph signed, "Danny, San Francisco."
是我的 Yes, sir.
最后 一张Bette Midler主演的"Beaches"的签名版录像带 【莫负当年情 Beaches (1988)，同性爱情喜剧片】 And finally, an autographed copy of Beaches, starring Bette Midler.
还给我 Give that back!
非荣誉开除军籍! Discharge, dishonorable!
他们居然开除了他 They're kicking him out.
这不公平 That's not fair.
好吧 也许他杀了人 I mean, he killed people.
嗯哼 Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Danny 我不知道 Danny, I just don't know.
我做的对吗 Did I do the right thing?
问他吧 Ask him.
总统先生 Well, Mr. President,
我还是个正直善良的美国人吗 am I still a good American?
Billy 雕像不会说话 It's a statue, Billy.
哦 Danny Oh, Danny.
我爱你 I love you.
走吧 我们回家 Come on. Let's go home.
Billy Billy.
Billy Billy!
Billy你去哪 Billy!
Billy我怎么办 Billy!
找到了 高中的他 Oh, look. Here he is.
这是Cameron第一次提名 This is Cameron's first nomination,
竞争对手实力强劲 and he's in extremely good company.
今晚提名男主的演员还有 Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominees...
"傻瓜" 保罗·纽曼 Paul Newman for Coot.
"老头" 克林特·伊斯特伍德 Clint Eastwood for Codger.
"原始冲动" 迈克尔·道格拉斯 Michael Douglas for Primary Urges.
"地狱雪球" 史蒂文·西格尔 And Steven Seagal for Snowball In Hell.
最佳男演员得奖是 And the winner is...
"保家卫国" Cameron Drak Cameron Drake, To Serve And Protect.
天啊 Oh, my God!
傻子 傻子 傻子 Doofus! Doofus! Doofus!
傻子 傻子 Doofus! Doofus!
那是我们的学生 看看他啊 That's our boy. Look at him!
天啊 Oh, my God!
谢谢 Thank you.
太好了 Nice, man.
太好了 Nice.
我要感谢我的导演 I'd like to thank uh, a great director,
一起共事的演员 an incredible cast,
我的前经纪人和经纪人 my agent and my new agent,
我只是一个演员 but I'm just an actor playing someone.
这个奖杯属于那些同性恋士兵和船员 This really belongs to all the gay soldiers and sailors
以及其他的同性群体 and other guys and women
他们保家卫国 保护我们的安全 who defend this country to keep us free,
却不能正大光明的谈恋爱 but can't date.
我还要感谢一个人 So maybe I should thank someone else.
一个对此有深刻体会的人 Someone who's really been there.
他教会了我很多 Someone who taught me a lot
教我诗歌 还有莎士比亚 about poetry and Shakespeare
主要是 and just, like, you know,
让我打起精神听讲 staying awake, man.
他是个好人 也是一位好老师 Someone who's just an overall great guy and a great teacher.
这个奖献给印第安纳州 绿叶中学的Howard Brackett老师 To Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana.
天啊 他感谢了我 Oh, my God! Oh, wow.
简直难以置信 天啊 Oh, I can't believe it. Oh, wow.
他也是同性恋 And he's gay.
我今天晚上想了很多 You know, I've been thinking a lot about this night,
我决定把今晚献给一位伟大的同性恋老师 and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great gay teacher.
Brackett老师 我们赢了! Mr. Brackett, we won!
Howard? Howard?
-什么 -Howard - Hmm? - Howard.
-亲爱的 -他说的什么意思 - Precious. - Howard, what is he talking about?
我怎么知道! I have no idea!
干嘛 What?
爸妈 你们怎么来了 Mom? Dad?
你是不是想和我们聊一聊 Is there something you wanna tell us?
关于婚礼的? Something about the wedding?
我不是同性恋 I'm not gay!
当然不是 Oh. Of course not.
不不不不 No! No, no, no, no.
-我儿子不可能是同性恋 -绝不可能 - My son's not gay. - No way!
-怎么会 -没门 - No how! - No dice!
-别扯了 -您想多了 - Nowhere! - No, sir!
但是电视上那小子说你... But that boy on television...
我不知道他为什么这么说 I don't know what that was about.
我生气极了 我应该雇个律师起诉他 I am outraged! I may hire an attorney. I may sue!
没错 是的 好主意 That's right. That's right. That's a very good idea.
-这样行吗 -联系律师Johnnie Cochran - You think? - Cochran. Get that Johnnie Cochran,
-不是那个女律师 -好主意 - not that woman. - Good idea.
我们要仔细想想 他可能在好莱坞混太久了 Now, we have to remember, he's been in Hollywood a long time,
可能受到了一些不良影响 and he may be under the influence of something,
可能加入了邪教 or he may have joined a cult.
上帝啊 Oh, my Lord.
反应迟钝的傻小子 That little zombie.
我不想说闲话 但是他的家人... His family was... Oh, I hate to say this,
他们住在这里时 but when they lived here,
都对家长教师联合会不怎么上心 they were not active in the PTA.
他还帮我们修剪过草坪呢 He used to mow our lawn.
再也不用他了 Never again.
Howard 你是我们的孩子 Howard, we want you to know
我希望你知道 我们永远爱你 you're our son, and we'll always love you.
直的 弯的 保守派 激进派 Gay, straight, red, green,
即使你抢银行 杀了人 if you rob a bank, if you kill someone.
或者喝多了爬上塔楼炸掉整个镇子 我也不在乎 If you get drunk, climb a clock tower and take out the town.
只要你能结婚 As long as you get married.
我需要一次婚礼 I need that wedding.
我需要美 音乐 I need some beauty and some music
宴席座位牌 要不然我死不瞑目 and some place cards before I die.
像海洛因一样上瘾 It's like heroin.
你听明白了吗 Howard Do you hear me, Howard?
Emily 要我们载你回家吗 Oh. Emily, can we give you a lift?
哦好 Oh.
你没事吧 Will you be all right?
我没事 放心 Of course. I'm fine.
我们马上就结婚了 We're getting married.
我爱你 I love you.
晚安 Good night.
你好 Hello.
不 我不是同性恋 No, I'm not.
快点 跟上 All right, let's go.
他在那 就是他 There he is! That's him!
Howard 等一下 Hey! Howard!
Howard Howard Howard! Howard!
你有男朋友吗 Do you have a boyfriend?
我马上要结婚了 我不是同性恋 I am getting married! I am not gay!
你认识Ellen吗 Do you know Ellen?
一位困惑的老师 一个被包围的小镇 A teacher in trouble, a town under siege,
一次寻找内心的旅程 a journey to the heartland.
我是Peter Malloy 持续为您报道 Peter Malloy, stay tuned.
Howard Howard Howard! Howard!
应该允许同性恋者经营新鲜农产品吗？ Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?
关我什么事!这里是教室! I don't care! This is a classroom!
同学们 Class.
我们上次讲到哪了 So, uh, where were we?
浪漫主义诗歌 莎士比亚 Romantic poetry. Shakespeare.
已故 英国 文豪 Talented, English, dead.
十四行诗 The sonnets.
“我能把你比作夏天的快乐吗？” "Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay?"
“你更可爱更温和” "Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
狂风将五月的蓓蕾凋残 夏日... "Rough winds do shape the darling buds of May, and sum..."
好吧 Okay.
大家别憋着了 Let's get it out into the open right now.
你们想问什么 想知道什么 What's on your mind? What do you want to know?
那事儿是真的吗 Is it true?
当然不是 还有三天我就结婚了 Of course not! I'm getting married in three days!
看到了吧 我就知道 See? I knew it!
-早和你说了 -同学们 同学们 - Told you. - All right. Class, class.
但是为什么Cameron要在电视上向全世界这么说呢 But why did he say it on TV in front of the whole world?
我是说 你是不是特别尴尬什么的 Yeah, I mean, were you, like, incredibly embarrassed?
你是不是想吞下一个手榴弹自杀算了 Did you just wanna stick a grenade in your mouth?
好了好了 同学们 All right. Okay, that's... Class, class.
我不明白他为什么这么说 我也想弄明白 I don't know why he said it. I've been trying to figure that out myself,
但是这不是我们要讨论的内容 我们今天要讲... but that is not why we're here today. We're here today...
-Brackett老师 -Mike - Mr. Brackett. - Mike.
我思考了整整一夜 Well, I've been thinking about it all night.
他为什么会说你是同性恋呢 Why would that guy say you were gay?
我最后想明白了 And I got it figured out. I got it.
-你怎么看 -嗯 看看你的形象 - What have you got? - Well, look at you.
-你说什么 -无意冒犯 - I beg your pardon? - I mean, no offense,
-但是你是个英语老师 -没错 - but you're an English teacher. - Exactly.
你教的这些诗歌啊 颂啊 十三行诗啊 I mean, all this poetry and odes and bonnets.
-是十四行诗吧 -另外你还有点爱大惊小怪 - Sonnets? - And you're kinda prissy.
-大惊小怪? -不过是好的那种 - Prissy? - Well, not in a bad way.
我是说 你很聪明 I mean, like, you're smart...
-穿着讲究 -讲卫生 - And well-dressed. - And really clean.
综上所述 形势不妙啊 你还忙活戏剧俱乐部的事 It doesn't look good. And plus you got the drama club,
还骑个那样的自行车 and you ride that bicycle.
你和Montgomery老师都订婚三年了 You've been engaged to Miss Montgomery for like three years.
-这有什么联系 -当然了 你想啊 - What, what does that have to... - I mean, think about it.
如果你把这些加到一起 怪不得他以为你是同性恋 If you add it up, of course the guy thinks you're gay!
噢噢噢噢 还有 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
还有他演的那部电影就是相关题材的 And plus, he was in that movie,
他满脑子想的都是这个 so his brain is, like, already going that way,
然后他想起了你 and then he remembers you
然后想 "聪明整洁 老好人一个" and he goes, "Smart, clean, totally decent human being...
"同性恋" "Gay!"
...同性恋宇航员 ...gays in the space program?
火星上的女同性恋 你怎么看 Lesbians on Mars? Do you have any comment?
走吧 走吧 Excuse me. Excuse me.
Brackett先生 Mr. Brackett.
-同学们 -【校长好】 - Boys and girls. - Mr. Halliwell.
Howard 我能单独和你谈谈吗 Howard, could, uh, could I... Oh.
同学们 失陪一下 Class, excuse me.
整个学校都被包围了 到处都是电视台的记者和摄像 The school is surrounded. There are TV cameras, reporters.
看到了吗 他们都想拍你 See? They want pictures of the gay guy!
我试图和他们理论 I tried to reason with them.
我告诉他们我是校长 他们竟然... I told them I was the principal, and they...
-他们竟然嘲笑我 -很抱歉 - They, they mocked me. - I'm sorry.
你能不能和他们谈谈 Could you, could you talk to them?
马上就去 Right away.
同学们 把书翻到58页 Uh, class, page 58.
嗯 大家先自学一会 Yes, learn, learn all you can.
-老师 -怎么了 - Mr. Brackett. - Yes?
注意手势 Watch the hands.
哦 多谢提醒 Oh. Uh, good, good point.
Howard 你是同性恋吗 Howard, are you gay? Are you gay?
我很抱歉。我想陪审团还没决定。 I'm sorry. I think that the jury is still out on this.
不可能。他来这里多少年了？ No way. He's been here for how many years?
哦 别装了 我早就猜到了 Oh, come on. I always knew.
我觉得没什么不好 Well, I say bravo.
自由万岁 Howard是条汉子 It's a blow for freedom. Good for Howard.
套用鲍勃迪伦的一句歌词 To quote Mr. Bob Dylan,
"男人要走过多少路" "How many roads must a man walk down,
"才能成为一个真正的男人" "before we call him a man?"
Ed 别说了 还不知道什么情况呢 Ed, don't. It's early. Knew what?
- 白鸽要航行多少海浪.-请吧Ed - And how many seas must the white dove sail - Ed, please.
- 拜托Ed 在她睡觉之前 - Before she sleeps Shut up, - Ed!
- 闭嘴, Ed!我们在议论Howard Trina! We're talking about Howard.
我们为什么要议论Howard? Why are we talking about Howard?
因为他喜欢鸡巴，卡尔 'Cause he likes dick, Carl.
大家早上好 你好吗? Good morning, everyone. How are you?
你好! Terrific! Hey. Terrific!
Fabulous. Is that, uh, Xerox still on the fritz?
How are you, sunshine? Oh, fine.
Oh, look at you.
Dick who?
He's getting married this week.
See? He's not gay. I told you.
But, man, think about it. I mean, like, gay guys.
I don't wanna think about it.
There's only two times where it's okay to do, like, gay stuff.
Two, like, emergency situations.
What? Which situations?
Prison, when it's like a substitute. Right.
Or guys in space. Guys in space?
Well, not on purpose.
It just happens because they're weightless,
and they float into each other when they're asleep.
You're so lame.
Well, I know it's wrong.
It's against, like, nature. Basic plumbing.
What?
It's the human body.
It's divided up into in-holes and out-holes.
And stuff is supposed to go in the in-holes
and come out the out-holes.
But gay guys,
they, like, put stuff in the out-holes.
Wait. So is a mouth, like, an in-hole?
Right. 'Cause you put burgers in it and brew.
Unless you're sick, and you puke,
and then it's an out-hole, so it's wrong.
Guys, guys, come on! Hustle!
You'll be late for class. Let's go!
What's going on?
Um, Mr. Brackett, could you, like, excuse us?
Why?
Mike's being a jerk.
No. Just until we're, like, dressed and ready.
This doesn't have anything to do with the Oscars
and Cameron Drake, does it?
No. Come on. Of course not.
Well, what is it then?
Well, it's just before the Oscars, it was different.
I mean, you weren't...
I wasn't what?
Famous.
You guys.
Peter Malloy, network.
No, no, no, no, no. No more interviews.
No, I have nothing to say. I have no comments.
I have no thoughts on gay marriage,
I did not see. The Birdcage and I'm trying to have my dinner.
Of course. I'm sorry.
You should be. What are you sitting down for?
You people. You people. Have some decency.
You've been hounding me all day.
At my school, at my home.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
I am. Of those leeches.
They have no right to pry into your life.
They're sleazy. I don't know. I kind of like that Barbara Walters.
Did Barbara call you?
No.
Howard.
Howard!
No! Oh, Howard.
Leave me alone, you smut peddler you! Howard...
You professional gossip with a permanent tan! Will you get real?
Shh.
Look at me. Why?
Well, sure, I look great,
but my ratings.
Look, everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyer or Joan Lunden.
And my network's killing me.
They want me blond.
With your coloring?
Look, all those reporters, after today, they're gone.
They've got their story.
But I care. I am doing a full week.
A week? No, you can't.
Oh, but I have to. It's too good.
No, no. I have classes to teach. I'm getting married.
I'll be there.
No. I'll kill you. But it's classic.
Sex, a small town, and a movie star.
Why can't you see that?
"Howard Brackett. In and out."
My God, you are pure television.
Stop it.
Good night.
Guys, remember. I got that, Walt.
Thanks. Don't say nothing about the Oscars
or Cameron Drake. None of that.
I think he's coming.
Shh. Shh.
He's here!
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby!
Whoo!
Are we gonna have a bachelor party? Yeah!
And we gonna get down and dirty? Yeah!
Disgustingly, pukingly drunk?
We've been working on this for weeks, man,
and we got all your favorite stuff, everything you love!
Hit me!
What are we talking about here, triple x?
Uh, Little Oral Annie? Traci Lords?
Lay some adult video on me.
We got it. Uncut.
Funny girl!
Funny girl? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I don't believe this. Barbra Streisand?
You had that little film festival last year.
Yeah, you made us all watch all her movies. It was fun.
Guys. Guys, I'm truly offended.
Don't you see, this is precisely the reason
why Cameron Drake and half the civilized world
think that I'm... You know.
Oh, no! No, no, no.
You're a guy's guy! No, no, no.
Well, I don't know how this got started,
but this is my goddamn bachelor party,
and I am not going to goddamn watch,
pardon my split infinitive,
Funny Girl!
Me neither. I hate that crap. Thank you!
You got A Star Is Born? Oh, sure.
A Star Is Born? She looks bad in A Star Is Born.
Yentl. Yentl!
I love Yentl!
Yeah! "Papa, can you hear me?"
Dudes, hombres , guys!
Guys, I'm sorry. I am truly offended.
I thought I knew you guys.
I thought you were studs.
I guess I thought wrong.
I'm out of here.
Aw, maybe he's right. Yentl sucks.
What did you say?
Yentl. It sucks. It's boring.
Say that again.
She was too old for Yentl!
I guess you heard the latest story.
Michael Jackson getting married again. Yes, it is true.
And this time he's made the perfect choice.
Howard Brackett. Yes, Howard Brackett.
This is Peter Malloy with day two
of "Howard Brackett, will there be a wedding?"
I'm standing with Aldo Hooper, Howard's barber.
Stylist. Razor cuts, color, full blow dry.
That's very nice. So, Aldo, what do you think?
Will there be a wedding?
Howard is booked for Saturday. A full styling.
I say yes.
Emmett Wilson, who has just delivered Howard's mail,
his intimate correspondence, letters to alleged.
Anything we should know about?
I can't reveal that. I'm a postal employee.
Don't make him mad.
Of course Howard's getting married.
He's a man of his word.
Is this national? You bet.
Please use your full zip codes.
Greenleaf High, cradle of crisis.
Howard's seniors, youth in the crossfire.
Tell us in your own innocent young words, is he gay?
Oh, no. No, he told us.
It was all, like, this big, huge mistake.
It just happened 'cause Mr. Brackett likes poetry and Shakespeare
and uses his napkin. Unlike some people.
What? Teens in turmoil.
And your message to America?
Greenleaf rules! Yeah!
Kids on the edge. A community in chaos.
Indiana cries out. Howard, can you hear?
Uh, Howard, you got a minute?
Howard, uh...
Your, your life, I mean, since...
Since the Oscars I can only imagine.
Well, you know, it's over now.
It's fine. It's just fine.
It's all ancient history. Howard, we...
We do have graduation coming up Monday, and you kind of,
you know, put us right... Right in the spotlight.
I'm so sorry, Tom. This, this...
Howard, I'd be less than honest if I didn't tell you
that I've gotten some calls from...
From parents, uh,
wondering if in fact you were a ho...
Ho...
Ho... H-ho...
Home room teacher? Homosexual.
Tom, do I look like a homosexual?
Would you walk for me?
Excuse me.
Uh, Howard?
Yes.
Do you, do you enjoy teaching?
No, I don't enjoy it.
You, you don't?
No, I love it. It's my life.
Then, then you'd, uh, you'd miss it?
Are, are you threatening me?
No, no. I'm...
I'm your friend. Friends don't threaten.
No, they don't.
Friends warn.
And you, uh...
You, you are getting married, aren't you?
But are you saying that if I weren't getting married
I'd be fired?
But that's not an issue, is it? No.
Best wishes.
Hi. Bless you, my son.
Thank you.
Would you like to tell me your sins?
Yes.
First of all, I'm not Catholic.
Well, then why are you here?
I have a friend who's Catholic, and he's very busy.
Well, aren't you helpful?
What are his, you know, sins? Your friend's?
He's a, he's a plumber,
and, uh, he's about to be married.
He's been engaged for three years.
Well, caution is a virtue.
Yeah, but, see, everyone's...
Everyone's saying something about him, something that isn't true.
I mean, it's not a bad thing, but he isn't that thing.
Which thing?
Which thing are people saying about him?
That, um...
That he's gay.
That he's what?
That he's gay.
Oh! Oh, my. Oh, my. Yeah.
Oh, my, my, my, my.
Well, that's rather like that fellow on the Oscars.
That, uh, Howard Brackett from over at Greenleaf.
Yeah, but it's not him. This is a different guy.
Well, what is it he wants to know?
He wants to know what he should do.
What is the right thing? He needs to know...
His mother's planning this huge wedding
with the whole town,
and it's her whole life.
It's gonna be beautiful, but he, he...
He, he love... He doesn't want to leave this town.
And, uh, he has this wonderful fiancee
who's sweet and thin and...
He just has never had a physical relationship with her.
Never? In three years?
He respects her. He's gay.
No, he's not. Yes, he is.
No, he can't... No.
Well, then he must go to her.
He's got to find out.
He must be... You know...
Be with her.
Huh? Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Before the wedding?
Godspeed, my son.
Now let's do Michael.
* Michael, Michael, Bo bicheal
* Banana Fana Fo fichael
* Fee Fi Mo Michael Michael
* Michael Ha-ha-ha!
* Donna, Donna, Bo bonna *
Oh!
Emily! Emily!
Howard. Emily.
Howard.
Howard. Howard.
We're getting married. We are.
We are getting married. Of course we're getting...
I'm glad we're getting married, Howard.
Howard!
Yeah! Who's gay, huh?
Howard.
Howard, what is all this?
I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure.
I, uh... Could you turn him off?
Howard, Howard. I can't.
Howard, I love you. I'm not worried.
You don't understand. Of course I do.
Look at your life. The Oscars, the press.
It's no wonder you're going crazy.
But it doesn't matter. Why not?
Because I love you, and we're getting married.
You still want that, Howard, don't you?
That's why I transformed myself, isn't it?
Do you want me to start eating again? No!
I can, Howard! I'm very fragile!
I love you.
Oh, my God! Howard!
Howard, you okay?
No. No, I'm not okay.
I've never been so not okay in my life.
I tried to stop. I...
One week ago, I was fine.
I was... I was perfect.
I want my life back!
Well, that is not going to happen, Howard.
Your life has changed.
But why? Why is this happening?
I haven't changed. One little word, and everybody changes.
I'm still the same person.
Why doesn't anyone believe me?
Well, this town is crazy about you.
I've talked to everyone.
Stop! That's it! That's the problem!
It's you! You're trying to turn me into a story,
into something juicy for your show!
Well, I am not a sound bite!
I'm... Look, I'm... Oh.
I am hurting the people I care about.
My students, my family, Emily. I love Emily!
Well, then think about what you're doing to her.
Oh, will you, what... It's like, you're like talking to... I...
Why am I talking to you?
You couldn't possibly understand what this is like!
Howard, I'm gay.
You're what? I'm gay. I came out.
To whom? Who? To everyone.
My folks, my boss, my dog.
Yeah, one day, I just snapped.
I just got tired of switching pronouns
and remembering to lower my voice,
and I couldn't take lying to the people that I love.
Does that sound familiar? No.
So I just said, "Mom, Dad, Sparky, I'm gay."
What happened?
Well, my mom cried for exactly 10 seconds.
My boss said, "Who cares?"
And my dad said, "But you're so tall."
Howard, everyone surprised me
once I let them, once I trusted them.
You know,
sometimes the worst thing you think can happen
turns out to be the best thing.
For you. For anyone.
Yes, but I'm not gay!
What was Streisand's eighth album?
Uh, Color Me Barbra. Stud.
Everyone knows that! Everyone where?
The little gay bar on the prairie?
You know what you need?
Yeah, I need a wedding! I need...
You... You...
You kissed me. You noticed.
You, you... This, this is not Los Angeles.
What, people don't kiss in Greenleaf?
Not at an intersection!
Oh. Oh, stop. Oh, hello, sweetheart!
Mom! Dad! Hi.
Look, it's the cake.
Yeah, well... Everything okay there?
Well, oh, yeah, fine. We, uh...
This is my Peter... Friend, Peter.
We just ran into each other here at the intersexual...
Homosection...
Intersection. I gotta go.
Oh, it's that fella from TV. Thank you.
Well, if you're Howard's buddy, I do hope you'll be coming to the wedding.
The wedding.
That's right. Sunday morning, 9:00 a.m.
I gotta go. I have to prepare myself.
It's formal, you know?
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Welcome to our series
on exploring your masculinity.
This is audio tape number one.
"Getting a grip."
Are you dressed in suitably masculine attire?
Very.
Are you in control?
Yes.
Are you ready to take charge?
Are you a man?
Yes!
Stand up.
Stand straight and tall.
Excuse me, are we a little teapot?
Untuck your shirt.
Just one side.
You hate this, don't you?
Well, look at it!
You want to be neat.
You want to be tidy.
Adjust yourself.
Not there.
The package, sissy man.
The family jewels.
Grab 'em.
Mmm. You're in a barroom.
Okay. Repeat after me.
"Yo." Yo!
"Hot damn." Hot damn!
"What a fabulous window treatment."
What a fabulou... That was a trick.
Oh! Damn!
We have come to the most critical area of masculine behavior.
What? Dancing.
* First I was afraid
* I was petrified Yes.
Truly manly men do not dance.
Oh, come on!
Under any circumstances.
This will be your ultimate test.
At all costs, avoid
rhythm, grace, and pleasure.
Whatever you do, do not dance.
I won't!
Can you hear it? Yes.
Can you hear the demon?
"Dance," the demon whispers.
Everyone else is dancing.
They're getting down.
They're getting funky now.
They're having fun!
Not you! No.
Catch the fever.
Feel the heat of the disco beat.
It's calling to you.
Do not listen!
Men do not dance.
They work, they drink,
they have bad backs.
They do not dance.
Hold still. Hold tight.
Whatever you do, do not dance!
* Hey, hey
* I, I will survive
What are you doing?
Stop dancing, you big ballerina!
Stop waving those hands!
Aren't you listening, you pantywaist?
Stop it!
Stop shaking that booty!
Be a man!
Kick someone! Punch someone!
Bite someone's ear!
Stop it!
Get a grip!
Think about John Wayne,
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold doesn't dance!
He can barely walk.
Stop it!
Just stop dancing!
So how did you do, pussy boy?
Oh, is it all right? Is my veil crooked?
Oh, it's perfect.
You're everything I've ever dreamed of
for a wedding and more.
Do you have an attorney? Hush.
You're radiant, dear.
Oh, I just can't believe it.
It's really happening.
My life.
After all those years, it's starting.
My mom says it won't last.
Your mom is an alcoholic.
That's terrible. That's terrible!
Son, do you need some help there?
No, I'm fine.
It's just that the dry cleaners left a shine on my trousers,
and, uh, my right lapel is slightly bent,
and the laundry did not use enough starch in my shirt front.
I mean, where are we, the Ukraine?
How can I get married if I look like a hobo?
Howard.
I'm coming, dad. I'm coming. One minute.
Oh, there he is.
Oh.
What a joyous morning.
What a perfect day.
What a gloriously splendid occasion.
Dearly, dearly beloved,
we are gathered here to join this wonderful couple
in the state of holiest matrimony
before the eyes of God.
Before we begin the vows,
is there anyone present who knows of a reason
why this couple should not be joined in holy wedlock?
Very good.
Because let us remember,
a marriage is truly a blessed event.
It must be a union based on deepest love,
total kinship,
and absolute honesty.
Let us begin.
Do, you, Emily, take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold,
till death do you part?
I do.
Oh.
And do you, Howard...Hmm?
Take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife
to have and to hold
till death do you part?
I'm gay.
Pardon?
I'm...
I'm gay. You're what?
He's gay.
I heard him!
Oh, uh...
Everyone, everyone.
Um, what Howard meant to say was
he's having a wonderful day.
Mom.
Dad.
I'm gay.
Oh. Whoa.
Seventy-five pounds.
I lost 75 pounds.
I'm a horrible person,
and you have every right to hate me.
You should hate me.
I want you to hate me.
I insist that you hate me!
I'm, I'm scum,
I'm garbage, I'm vermin,
and, and, and I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
After I, I...
Wait for you for... No!
No! No! Not just three years.
My entire life!
After I plan my future around our wedding,
after I base my entire concept of self-esteem
on the fact that you're willing to marry me...
And you're sorry?
I'm sorry.
Thank God my parents are dead!
This would've killed them!
Are, are you...
Are you really gay?
Mmm-hmm.
Was...
There...
Oh...
Any other time
you might've told me this?
I'm wearing a wedding dress
which you picked out!
I, I, I highlighted my hair
because you said I needed shimmer!
I, I loved you
and believed you
and pretended not to notice the Streisand thing.
I thought you were just creative.
I thought you were just smarter than me
and more sensitive
and more interesting.
I thought you were the most wonderful man who ever lived.
I thought you could just change my life
and show me the whole world
and teach me
about art and life and magic.
And I thought you could
make me feel like a beautiful woman,
instead of the girl nobody wanted.
Oh, no. Emily.
But, but...
Emily. Emily.
Does anybody here know
how many times I've had to watch Funny Lady?
It was a sequel. She was under contract.
Fuck Barbra Streisand!
And you!
Emily!
Emily. Emily.
Howard! You did it!
I'm so proud of you. Congratulations.
Congratulations?
I just destroyed Emily's life!
I killed her!
You saved her life.
Oh.
I don't believe it.
I...
I just came out...
At my wedding!
In front of everybody!
My family, my friends, my mom, my dad.
Look at my hand.
It was fantastic!
It was a nightmare!
I just demolished my mother's dream wedding!
I'm, I'm, I'm a monster!
I'm, I'm a lunatic!
You're a hero,
and I've got great footage!
I got the whole thing!
Oh, is that what this is all about? Footage?
Here, I'll give you your headline.
Howard Brackett is a big homo,
queer, Mary, sissy man!
He just came out at his big church wedding!
Martha Stewart is furious!
There. Is that what you want?
That was great stuff.
No. Tell him I really appreciate the offer,
but I just don't think I'm right for it.
This is Peter Malloy for Inside Entertainment.
I'm standing in front of Greenleaf's First Methodist Church,
where Howard Brackett has boldly declared,
"I don't."
Cam! Come look at this!
Brackett, outed by Cameron Drake at the Oscars,
today, to the amazement of family and friends,
outed himself at his own wedding.
You can imagine the fireworks.
He's been besieged by the media,
his job may be in jeopardy,
and as for his fiancee, fellow English teacher Emily Montgomery,
well, who knows?
Miss Montgomery?
But the real question is,
where is Cameron Drake?
This is Peter Malloy for Inside Entertainment.
You got to get out of here.
Cam?
We got to go.
Go where?
Greenleaf, because of what I said.
I got to see what's going on.
I got to do something.
But I promised Isaac I'd do his show.
The new collection is this afternoon.
I have to shower and vomit.
Man!
At his wedding.
Yeah, poor Miss Montgomery.
So, I guess Mr. Brackett's
really like that Cameron guy said.
Uh, duh.
And you, like, hung out with him.
He drove you to that college interview.
Didn't you, like, stay over somewhere?
But nothing happened.
I mean, I don't even know the guy.
Not anymore.
Excuse me. You don't know the guy?
He only got you into college.
I mean, just last week, he was only, like, your total hero.
That was last week.
Guys...
We had a gay teacher all year.
We have to face that
and move on with our lives.
What are you talking about?
Kids, how was the wedding?
Fine!
You know, I can understand about Howard being gay,
but I will never, ever understand,
as long as I live, as God is my witness,
how could he not want a wedding?
Oh, sweetie, it's not your fault.
You have two boys.
You fed them the same, you raised them the same,
and you loved them the same.
And one of them is gay.
And the other one is... Walter.
Howard was just being honest,
clearing the air before he made a real mess.
What's wrong with that?
What are we all so afraid of?
What do we think will happen if we all just spill the beans?
Oh... I don't know.
All right, I'll start.
My Rice Krispie treats
that I made for the reception,
they're not my recipe.
It's Harriet Carter's.
After she died from that massive embolism,
a lie was born.
These are a dead woman's treats.
Oh, my.
All right.
I'll say it right out loud.
I hated The Bridges of Madison County.
My husband has three testicles.
Bob?
It's disgusting.
Oh.
Oh!
I love this.
Howard?
So?
So.
Are you still gay?
Yep.
Are you going to have an operation?
Excuse me?
Will you be going into show business?
Absolutely.
Vegas.
I'm making an effort here.
I know, Dad.
I'm a farmer.
Your mother asked me to come here.
She's worried about you.
She's afraid you're not eating.
She sent you this.
What is it?
Wedding cake.
She's diabolical.
She's insane.
Will, uh...
...we be seeing you at the graduation tomorrow?
I got a call right after the wedding,
or after there was no wedding.
They fired me.
You taught those kids.
If you're not there,
what are they going to think?
I don't know.
That Barbra Streisand, did she do something to you?
Dad.
Thank you.
Cam.
Cam!
Cameron, where are we?
I told you. It's a motel.
Cameron, you don't seem to realize.
I am a supermodel.
I am Sonya!
And I'm in a motel
in Greenblatt?
Greenleaf. This is where I grew up.
I don't care!
Sonya, we're here to help someone.
For once, we're going to think about something
besides our careers and our hair.
We're going to help Mr. Brackett, if I can find him.
Cam!
Cam.
Cameron, where are you going?
Cam.
You can't just leave me here.
There's a diner down the block.
Go eat something. I'm begging you.
You look like a swizzle stick.
It's unhealthy.
Food?
Cameron,
I'm warning you. I'm calling my agency.
Cam!
Well, can I get a drink?
Uh...
What kind?
Let's see. What kind? Uh...
Is vodka okay?
That's right. Straight up.
And, uh... Some peanuts,
lots of them.
I don't care about anything anymore.
What else have you got back there?
I just want to eat.
I just want to gorge.
Hey, thanks.
You're from TV.
Guilty.
You're that guy. What are you doing here?
Well...
I am getting drunk.
I had a bad day. A very, very bad day.
Excuse me?
You win. I hate men.
Am I so repulsive
that no man would want me?
No!
You're very attractive.
Howard didn't think so. Howard didn't want me.
Listen to me.
Now, this is Howard's problem, not yours,
and he should've told you.
Years ago.
Okay?
I love you.
You're nice.
I'm not nice. I'm a hack.
I'm show business garbage.
Will you sleep with me?
What?
Three years!
Oh, my god.
Three years of sunsets
and long talks
and loving, supportive friendship!
Oh, my God! This is my wedding night!
I'm there! I'm ready!
This is a medical condition!
Gee, thank you,
but, uh, I can't.
What, are you married? Are you seeing someone?
I don't care!
No, I... You're a man!
I'm a woman!
I'm gay.
Is everybody gay?
Is this The Twilight Zone?
Ooh! Oh, hey!
Oh! Oh, hi!
Hi! Will you marry me?
I have the dress!
I have the plane tickets!
I'm packed!
Stop!
Stop! Please!
Stop! You have to stop!
It's an emergency!
I need a heterosexual, code red!
Oh!
Miss, are you okay?
Do you need help?
No, no, no!
I'm just beyond help!
I'm, I'm just a grinch!
I'm a jinx!
Miss... Miss Montgomery?
Cameron?
Oh, my God.
Cameron?
What happened to you?
Well...
Well, everything! I...
Well, you won the Oscar
and you said Howard was gay
and I didn't believe you
and I had no self-esteem! No, I, I mean your...
Your body. What happened?
Well...
Well, what happened?
I was fat!
And I, and I...
Swore I'd become someone else tonight!
I did, and now I'm more miserable than ever.
And I'm a mess,
and I'm starving!
But, but why?
Why did you want to change?
You, you were so beautiful.
I was?
I, I mean, you still are.
You always were.
It's just skinny girls can be so annoying sometimes.
Oh, I mean, but you're not.
You're, you're just like I remember you
from after school.
You remember?
"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
"It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."
Huh.
"How camest thou hither?
"Tell me.
"And wherefore?"
"With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls
"For stony limits cannot hold love in."
Out.
"Cannot hold love out."
I can't. You're a student.
Not anymore.
I've seen all your movies.
Both of them?
Kim, Karen, wait up!
Let's go, it's starting!
Is my cap on straight?
Hey, Jack.
Hey, Mr. Brackett.
Big day.
Yeah.
Yeah, I, I can't believe it.
Congratulations.
Yeah, thanks. Jack!
Come on, we're late!
Good luck next year.
You, too.
Indiana State is lucky to have you.
* Hail to thee O Greenleaf High
* 'Neath the Indiana sky
* Through thy halls we spent our youth
* Seeking knowledge learning truth
* Like a friend who walks beside us
* Greenleaf High will always guide us
* We will love thee till we die
* Hail to thee O Greenleaf High *
That song always, uh, reminds me of our...
Our school motto...
Studiare, imparare, partire.
Study, learn, leave.
Now, before we begin handing out diplomas,
I have an announcement to make.
We've, uh...
Well, we've, uh...
We've had quite a year, haven't we?
Uh, but let's begin our ceremony on a high note.
We're awfully proud, of course,
of our Oscar-winning graduate,
but today, we have, uh...
Another winner, if you will.
That's right. Our teacher of the year.
And, uh, what do they say?
May I have the envelope, please?
The, uh, the winner is...
I get so nervous here.
Can you hear my heart beating?
Seriously, though, ladies and gentlemen,
our brand-new teacher of the year,
Edward Kenrow.
No.
This is such a surprise.
Ed, Ed, Ed.
Thank you, Tom.
Hoosiers.
What is the definition of a Hoosier?
Well... Uh, Mr. Kenrow?
Excuse me?
Mr. Kenrow, I guess I'm a recent Greenleaf graduate.
Oh, my god, it's Cameron Drake!
It's Cameron!
Guys, please, please.
People!
Can we have a little respect here?
We have our teacher, our teacher of the year.
Guys, please, please.
Uh...
Man, I am...
I'm really sorry to interrupt graduation and everything.
I was looking for Mr. Brackett.
Hey, Mr. Brackett.
Uh, Cameron.
Mr. Brackett, weren't you up for this teacher of the year thing?
No, uh...
Withdrawn. Tom.
Uh, ineligible.
Mr. Brackett is...
He's no longer, no longer an employee here.
What?
Oh, why? What happened?
He resigned. Sadly.
It's fine, Cameron. It's all over and done with.
Today belongs to the students.
Yes, this is for the kids, for the youngsters.
They canned him?
Wait, is this about the Oscars and the gay thing?
No.
No. No, no, no.
Then, what is it?
Well, we, we felt...
The, the community, uh, felt that it was...
It was a question of, of, uh...
Influence.
I'm sorry. I'm a little slow.
I was a "C" student, and now I'm an actor, so...
Influence?
Well, you know, I mean, it's all right to be,
uh, this way or that way at home,
you know, in, in your,
in your private area, arena, arena.
But, uh, but, uh,
Mr. Brackett, after all, is, was...
Uh, a teacher.
Oh, I see, I see.
So you're thinking about the students?
Yes. Yes, that's, that's what...
That's what this is all about.
Oh, okay, so, all right, so, um,
stay with me here, then.
So what you're saying then is
since Mr. Brackett's gay,
that he's going to, like, send out
some kind of voodoo vibes
or, uh, gay microwaves
and, uh, make everybody else gay?
Well, in a, in a, in a crude manner of speaking.
Well, seniors, you've all had Mr. Brackett.
Is that the way it works?
Kids, you don't have to answer that question.
It's not the time and place to discuss and answer that.
It's a completely inappropriate forum to discuss this.
This is still a graduation ceremony.
May I please finish my acceptance speech?
Hoosiers.
What is the definition of a Hoosier?
Well, way back in...
Excuse me, I'm gay!
Who said that?
Jack.
I had Mr. Brackett for senior English.
He taught me Shakespeare.
Well, he was my track coach,
and he also helped me get into college.
I just realized that what Mr. Halliwell said is right.
It must've rubbed off.
I'm gay.
You see? This is exactly my point.
A young life corrupted.
Thank you. Very brave.
Oh!
Oh, my god!
Young lady?
It's happening.
I had Mr. Brackett all year, and...
Oh, my God, I'm gay!
Excuse me?
If there's something wrong with Mr. Brackett or Jack,
then there's something wrong with me.
I'm gay.
So am I. Oh, she is not!
You're not. I know you're not.
You're a tramp.
Mike!
Michael. Oh, man.
Stirgo. All right.
I'm gay. I'm a homo. I like guys.
I mean, I still do it with chicks every chance I get,
and I'm totally good at it,
but I hate it, and I'm gay.
Kids, kids, kids, please, please, sit down.
We're here to graduate.
I'm sure Mr. Brackett is gratified by, by your display.
Compassion is a wonderful quality, however misguided.
But as Howard very well knows,
the decision is not yours.
It is a gonad thing.
A grown-up thing.
I have to answer to the community,
and as far as the community is concerned
toward Howard Brackett, they have said no, no, no.
Please sit down and let's pass out some diplomas.
Well, I'm a...
I'm a member of the community,
and I don't mind that Howard's gay.
But you're his brother.
As you know.
So you know what that means?
Uh-oh. I must be gay.
But you're not a parent, are you?
Excuse me, I'm a parent.
I've lived in this town all my life.
I'm Howard's father.
And I'm gay!
I'm Howard's mother, and I'm very proud of him,
and I'm a lesbian.
Excuse me.
Hi. I run the Bridal Barn for better brides,
and I can tell you Howard has perfect taste.
So do I. So, I'm gay.
I'm Howard's stylist, and I'm gay.
And I'm bald.
I deliver Howard's mail and everybody else's.
I'm a federal employee, and I'm gay!
Fire Chief Fred Mooney and the volunteer fire brigade.
Howard has always been ready to lend a hand.
Gay!
I'm gay.
I'm gay!
But he's not the teacher of the year!
I am, and this belongs to me!
Well, maybe Mr. Brackett deserves something else.
You ready?
Nearly.
Oh, very snappy.
Nervous?
No. Why should I be nervous?
It's just a wedding. I just want everything to be perfect.
It will be.
Is your cameraman here?
No, not today. I'm not filming this.
There are some things more important than showbiz.
Really. Like what?
I don't know,
but didn't that sound good?
Guys, we're starting.
Preacher's waiting.
What a truly special occasion.
What a joyous ceremony.
What an unusual couple.
Berniece, after 42 years,
do you still take Frank to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
And do you, Frank, take Berniece
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I'd better.
I now pronounce your vows renewed
for another 42 years.
You may kiss the bride.