1 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,647 So, this is for, uh, 2 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:39,909 New York Times Magazine? 3 00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:42,085 No. I'm sorry, that... 4 00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:43,695 there... 5 00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:46,046 mm... no, I freelance. 6 00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,525 I write for different magazines, 7 00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:49,136 but this is a personal matter. 8 00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:50,485 A personal matter? 9 00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:52,313 Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay? 10 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,923 No, it's absolutely okay. 11 00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:55,925 May I ask what-what this is regarding and...? 12 00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:58,710 Uh, it's about my son. 13 00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,974 Okay. How can I help? 14 00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:05,326 He... 15 00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:11,549 There are moments that I look at him, 16 00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:14,204 this kid that I raised, 17 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:17,381 who I thought I knew inside and out, 18 00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:20,167 and I wonder who he is. 19 00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,910 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 20 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:26,999 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 21 00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:31,830 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of 'em. 22 00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:34,920 And I guess I'm here 23 00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:39,099 because I just want to know... 24 00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:41,927 all that I can about... 25 00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:43,842 all of it. 26 00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:45,670 Know your enemies, right? 27 00:01:45,714 --> 00:01:47,933 So... 28 00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,590 My two big questions are, 29 00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,245 wh-what is it doing to him, 30 00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:58,640 and what can I do to help him? 31 00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:58,395 Marin General Hospital. How may I help you? 32 00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:01,746 Hi. My son has gone missing, 33 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:04,488 and I wanted to check to see if he had... 34 00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,186 uh, maybe had been brought in 35 00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:09,493 or-or if-if there'd been an accident. 36 00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:12,279 Can I have name and description, sir? 37 00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:13,845 Nicolas Sheff. 38 00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,239 S-H-E-F-F. 39 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,849 He is... 40 00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:19,590 18 years old. 41 00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:22,767 He is just over six feet tall. 42 00:03:22,811 --> 00:03:24,508 About 130 pounds. 43 00:03:24,552 --> 00:03:27,729 Maybe less. I-I don't know. Um... 44 00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:30,253 He has shoulder-length brown hair 45 00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:32,386 and green eyes. 46 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:34,170 Thank you. Please hold. 47 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,259 Okay. 48 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,479 - Mr. Sheff? - Yes. 49 00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:40,655 Uh, there's no one by that name, sir. 50 00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:43,310 Okay. Thank you. 51 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,788 He's been gone for two days. 52 00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,442 What do you mean he's gone? 53 00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,357 - What's going on? - I don't know. 54 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,793 - I don't know. - Two days? 55 00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,316 Why didn't you tell me sooner? 56 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,231 Uh, I didn't want to worry you, I guess. 57 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,712 - I just... - I'm his mother, David. 58 00:04:37,755 --> 00:04:39,627 Didn't you see this coming? 59 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:40,802 Uh, no. 60 00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,064 What? 61 00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:43,892 No, no, I didn't see it coming. 62 00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,981 If I'd seen it coming, I would've done something. 63 00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:48,331 It was just a question, David. Jesus. 64 00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,551 I haven't been talking with him a lot lately. 65 00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,727 Well, maybe that's why you shouldn't be giving me advice 66 00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:54,163 in parenting, right? 67 00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,165 Fuck, Vicki. 68 00:04:56,208 --> 00:04:58,646 Can we just not blame each other right now? That's... 69 00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,561 Who's blaming who here? 70 00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:02,780 If I hardly ever see him, it's because he's supposed 71 00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:04,478 to come to I.A. for the holidays 72 00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,523 but always finds a reason not to come. 73 00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:09,657 Well, that's not my fault, is it? 74 00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,259 Nic. 75 00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:50,698 Here's your little brother. 76 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:53,004 Tight. 77 00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,397 Just support his head. 78 00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,580 Hi, Jasper. 79 00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:06,278 Hi, little boy. 80 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,371 This is amazing. 81 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,376 He's sticking his tongue out. 82 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,730 Hi. Nice to meet you. 83 00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,732 - Bye. - Bye. 84 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:26,560 - I'll miss you this summer. - Me, too. 85 00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,649 - Okay, write me. - Write me back. 86 00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:29,998 Work on your French. 87 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,391 Oui, madame. 88 00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:32,609 Have a great summer. 89 00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,655 And say hi to your mom. 90 00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,834 - Everything. - Everything. 91 00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,511 Ya! 92 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,382 Come on. 93 00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:13,667 Hey. 94 00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:16,408 - Where have you been? - Yeah, I just need to sleep, 95 00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:17,975 - all right? - What have you been doing? 96 00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:19,847 I just need to sleep, all right? Leave me alone. 97 00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:24,112 Guys, go downstairs. 98 00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:26,810 I'll be there in a minute. 99 00:08:58,059 --> 00:09:00,061 Ow. 100 00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:12,682 Look, man, I'm-I'm, uh... 101 00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:17,121 I'm really sorry, all right? And-and I, uh... 102 00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:19,384 I fucked up, and it was a mistake, but... 103 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,735 it was a one-time mistake, all right? I learned my lesson. 104 00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:25,216 I don't want to go through this shit again, all right? So... 105 00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:26,348 - Let's just go inside. - No. 106 00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,828 They're professionals. 107 00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,612 Let's just listen to what they have to say. 108 00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,396 Look, I'm 18, all right?! You can't force me! 109 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,442 Hey. 110 00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:37,751 This got out of hand, right? 111 00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,535 Don't you think? 112 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,236 Come on. 113 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,761 All right. 114 00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:51,591 Okay. Okay. 115 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:57,205 I'm doing it for you. 116 00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:27,583 He needs treatment. And fast. 117 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,281 There's still a lot of drugs in his system. 118 00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:33,502 And, worst of all, he's in denial. 119 00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:36,984 Um, can you help him? 120 00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:39,203 Oh, yeah. I mean, 121 00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:42,206 a lot of the people here are not here by choice. 122 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:44,644 And they have just as much chance as anybody. 123 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,646 Okay. 124 00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,865 So, we have a free bed. 125 00:10:48,909 --> 00:10:51,651 So, if you want, we can check him in for a 28-day treatment 126 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,522 and then we evaluate. 127 00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:56,656 Um... 128 00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:58,440 what is your success rate? 129 00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,703 On the high end, 80%. 130 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,531 On the low end, 131 00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,707 25%. 132 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:07,623 Look, he will have daily consultations 133 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,843 with a staff psychiatrist and physician. 134 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:13,803 We have daily N.A. and A.A. meetings. 135 00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:16,284 He'll be monitored very closely. 136 00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:19,896 Thank you. 137 00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:23,117 And last page. 138 00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:26,381 Everything. 139 00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:31,212 Everything. 140 00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:19,521 Why are you always in this room? 141 00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,741 You hardly ever come out of here. 142 00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:23,525 It's like you're a vampire. 143 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,529 I read. 144 00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:30,097 I draw. 145 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,708 You know what we should do? 146 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,754 We should go surfing. 147 00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,538 Yeah. 148 00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,409 That sound good? 149 00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:41,151 I'm kind of into other things now, you know? 150 00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:44,851 Reading misanthropes and seriously depressed writers. 151 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:46,461 Oh, come on, they're... 152 00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,202 they're kind of great, though, right? 153 00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:49,246 I get it. 154 00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,816 It'll pass, though. 155 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,818 It always does. 156 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,733 What does? 157 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:01,998 The feeling of being alienated and isolated. 158 00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:03,913 Huh, that really helps. 159 00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:06,002 Thanks for the advice, Dad. 160 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:09,049 Okay. 161 00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:12,487 All right. That was... 162 00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,010 That came out wrong. I'm sorry. 163 00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,491 Mm-mm. 164 00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,850 All right. Your-your idea. 165 00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:29,939 Hey. 166 00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:33,856 Hey, Dad. 167 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,990 So, we feel he's made great progress. 168 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,209 - Right, Nic? - Hi. -Hey. 169 00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:41,211 - That's great. - That's great. 170 00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,083 So we should maybe talk about the coming weeks, Nic. 171 00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:45,650 Mm. I think I need to... I think I need 172 00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:47,783 a little bit more time in rehab. So if it's... 173 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,090 if it's all right with you guys, I was wondering 174 00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:51,743 if I could stay in the halfway house here. 175 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:56,226 The halfway house is an open living facility 176 00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,228 with follow-up every night, 177 00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:01,753 and we would help him find a job. 178 00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,843 Right. I don't want to... 179 00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,497 go to college... 180 00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,891 - right now. - Oh? 181 00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:11,894 Okay. Uh, um, and do what? 182 00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:15,506 I think I need to be independent. 183 00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:20,424 Dad, I'm telling you, this is... 184 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,951 It's gonna be good. 185 00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:26,561 What is he gonna do, 186 00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:28,215 make coffee for the rest of his life? 187 00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:29,564 You know what, Frederick told me 188 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,566 that they have friends that had a son 189 00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:33,568 that did a four-week program and that wasn't enough 190 00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,831 and now he's doing a year program. 191 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,399 I wish you wouldn't talk to everybody about it. 192 00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:42,142 What does that got to do with anything? 193 00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,926 To protect Nic. I mean, at some point, 194 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,885 he's gonna want to get on with his life. 195 00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,930 And maybe it's best that not everybody knows about this. 196 00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,932 Okay. 197 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,501 Can we not make this about me? 198 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:54,937 Uh... All right. 199 00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,331 Look, Nic needs some more time. 200 00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:59,681 And that's fine. 201 00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,074 - Okay? - Okay. 202 00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:02,249 Okay? 203 00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:03,903 Yeah, okay. 204 00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,173 Shh. 205 00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:18,395 David Sheff. 206 00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:19,919 Hi, Mr. Sheff. 207 00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,225 This is Annie Goldblum from the Ohlhoff Center. 208 00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:24,358 Oh, yes. Hi. Hello. 209 00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,012 Listen, I am sorry to disturb you, 210 00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:28,884 but I need to inform you about Nic. 211 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,278 Okay. 212 00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,889 He left the facility today during free time, 213 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,805 and he hasn't returned since. 214 00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:39,547 I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff, 215 00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:41,070 but please don't despair. 216 00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,246 This happens. 217 00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,509 But I... 218 00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:47,903 I thought you said he was doing so well. 219 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,951 You should think of this as part of the process. 220 00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,301 Relapse is a part of recovery. 221 00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:56,259 Relapse is part of recovery? 222 00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:59,306 Yeah. It-it's a part of Nic's learning process. 223 00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:01,090 Well, uh, that's... 224 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:04,528 that's like saying crashing is part of pilot training. 225 00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:07,270 Look, he'll be back, and probably really quick. 226 00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,142 Do you have somebody out looking for him? 227 00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,057 It is not our responsibility 228 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,623 once he leaves the facility. 229 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,364 - Okay. - But he is welcome to... 230 00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:52,881 Excuse me. 231 00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:55,362 Have you seen a kid hanging out around here? 232 00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,190 - No. - No? 233 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,540 Okay, thank you. 234 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,848 Wow. They don't want to deal with that. 235 00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:48,110 Hey, Dad, you want to smoke this? 236 00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:49,329 Hey, whoa. 237 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:50,852 Wait. What...? Stop. 238 00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,114 - Put that away. - We'll smoke this together. 239 00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,768 No, no, no. No. Are you cra... 240 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,422 - That's crazy. - Well, I know you smoke. 241 00:17:55,465 --> 00:17:57,032 - Y... Well, yeah. I... - So let's smoke together. 242 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,642 No, no, no. Occasionally, like... 243 00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:00,383 - Look, let's smoke to... let's smoke together. -Listen. 244 00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:02,429 - Or I could just... You know what? - No, stop it, stop it. 245 00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:03,647 - Stop. Stop. - I'll just light it here a... 246 00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:04,779 You know what? You're right. 247 00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:05,997 I'll just light it here alone. 248 00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:07,564 Don't. Occasionally, 249 00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:08,826 - from time to time... - Yeah? 250 00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:10,785 I will have a hit or two at a party, 251 00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,569 but it's been a while, so just... 252 00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:14,093 Oh, okay, so then just smoke... 253 00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:16,747 have-have a celebratory joint with your son. 254 00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:19,402 N-No. God, come on. 255 00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:21,143 No. No, you're amazing. 256 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,666 You got... you applied to six colleges, 257 00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,103 you got into all of them? 258 00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,234 Yeah. 259 00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:27,280 Stop doubting yourself. 260 00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:29,020 Look at you. 261 00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,589 Give me that. Give me that. 262 00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:37,812 What? 263 00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:40,162 Nice-nice hit. That was a good hit. 264 00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:44,427 - What? - Well... 265 00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:49,476 Thank you. This is a nice... 266 00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,434 thing to do. 267 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,917 You did a lot of drugs, right? 268 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,745 I, uh... 269 00:18:57,788 --> 00:18:59,964 Yeah, I did my share. 270 00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:01,444 I experimented with some drugs. 271 00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:02,967 I did. 272 00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:06,797 - But not harmless. - What, is this...? 273 00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:08,234 There was a guy, and... No, no. 274 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,452 This is the lecture part? 275 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:11,193 - Right? - Yes. 276 00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,673 Dad, you worry too much, all right? 277 00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:14,762 - Everyone does it. - Just be careful. 278 00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:17,243 It's just a little pot. I'm just partying a little. 279 00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,332 It's just... you know, it's just once in a while. 280 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,724 Mm-hmm. 281 00:19:20,768 --> 00:19:22,987 I deserve to party a little now. 282 00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:24,511 - "Deserve to party." - I do. 283 00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:27,601 Look, it just... it takes the edge off things. 284 00:19:27,644 --> 00:19:31,126 It-it... it-it takes the edge off of stupid all-day reality. 285 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,304 Hmm. 286 00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:38,960 What is stupid about reality? 287 00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,918 You know, just like... 288 00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:44,879 like daily, stupid things that don't matter. 289 00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:46,359 Okay. 290 00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:48,317 You cannot say dumb shit like that, 291 00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:49,797 or you're gonna start believing it. 292 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,494 Right. 293 00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:23,222 Thanks for bringing that, Karen. 294 00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:30,751 This is my home. 295 00:20:32,448 --> 00:20:34,624 A couple of weeks ago, you told me 296 00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:38,193 that you had only done crystal meth once. 297 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,152 And the story has to be bigger than that, right? 298 00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:43,329 - Mm-hmm. - There's more to it. 299 00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:44,634 Yeah? 300 00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:45,896 David. 301 00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:47,071 We need to know. 302 00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:50,031 We need to know. 303 00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:55,906 I think I always liked it. 304 00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:57,995 What? 305 00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:02,304 Anything. Pot, alcohol, 306 00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:05,525 Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD. 307 00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,355 And you've been doing all of that 308 00:21:09,398 --> 00:21:11,400 for what... years? 309 00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,446 A couple years, yeah. 310 00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,144 And crystal meth? 311 00:21:17,493 --> 00:21:19,539 Just a couple months. 312 00:21:20,931 --> 00:21:22,281 Wh-Why? 313 00:21:24,935 --> 00:21:25,936 I don't know. 314 00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:27,982 Um... 315 00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:35,642 When I tried it, I felt... 316 00:21:41,038 --> 00:21:44,477 I felt better than I ever had, so... 317 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,914 I just kept on doing it. 318 00:21:46,957 --> 00:21:50,178 I was worried that you were smoking too much pot. 319 00:21:50,221 --> 00:21:54,704 Meanwhile, you're out doing every drug on the planet? 320 00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:58,795 And hiding it and lying? 321 00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:00,362 Why? 322 00:22:01,624 --> 00:22:03,670 - I don't know. Um... - Why? 323 00:22:03,713 --> 00:22:05,367 - Nic, tell me why. - Ease up. 324 00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,543 - I don't know. - I thought we were close. 325 00:22:07,587 --> 00:22:09,850 I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons. 326 00:22:09,893 --> 00:22:11,808 Yeah, I feel like you're always disappointed in me. 327 00:22:11,852 --> 00:22:13,288 You're disappointed I didn't go to college. 328 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,463 Can you blame me?! 329 00:22:14,507 --> 00:22:16,117 Just, uh, not too long ago, 330 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,337 you were reading and you were writing, and you were on 331 00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:19,773 the water polo team. 332 00:22:19,816 --> 00:22:21,340 And look at us now. 333 00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:22,863 - Dad... -Can you please stop? - This isn't us. 334 00:22:22,906 --> 00:22:24,995 - This is not who we are. - Just, please, 335 00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:26,693 both of you, stop. 336 00:22:26,736 --> 00:22:29,609 Dad, I'm really sorry about everything. 337 00:22:31,045 --> 00:22:33,221 Dad, I'm so... 338 00:22:35,789 --> 00:22:38,182 I'm really sorry, Dad. 339 00:22:42,056 --> 00:22:44,363 Nic, what you have... 340 00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:47,975 ...you're gonna find it again. 341 00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:53,850 And you're gonna get it back. 342 00:22:55,809 --> 00:22:57,376 Ow, ow, ow. 343 00:23:34,804 --> 00:23:36,676 Nic! 344 00:23:46,555 --> 00:23:48,557 Nic! 345 00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:51,255 Nic! 346 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,737 Nic! 347 00:24:05,139 --> 00:24:07,141 Nic! 348 00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:22,983 Hey, Dad. 349 00:24:23,026 --> 00:24:24,724 Hey. 350 00:24:24,767 --> 00:24:26,377 How's New York? 351 00:24:26,421 --> 00:24:27,596 Fine. Good. 352 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:28,989 Good interview today. 353 00:24:29,032 --> 00:24:30,425 - Nice. - How are you? 354 00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:33,036 Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah. 355 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,690 Yeah? You sure? 356 00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:36,518 Yeah. I don't... well... 357 00:24:36,562 --> 00:24:38,302 What? 358 00:24:38,346 --> 00:24:39,913 It's, uh... 359 00:24:39,956 --> 00:24:41,392 What's going on? 360 00:24:41,436 --> 00:24:44,308 Uh, we had this great group session, 361 00:24:44,352 --> 00:24:46,920 and one of the guys here was saying he would do anything 362 00:24:46,963 --> 00:24:49,052 for a chance to go to college, but he can't. 363 00:24:49,096 --> 00:24:51,098 - Okay. -And when we were talking later, he said, 364 00:24:51,141 --> 00:24:53,317 "You could still go to college. Don't be an idiot. 365 00:24:53,361 --> 00:24:55,319 Go to college." 366 00:24:56,582 --> 00:24:58,105 I don't know, it's just crazy. 367 00:24:58,148 --> 00:25:01,151 I realized I don't think I should stay behind. 368 00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:02,370 I love writing. 369 00:25:02,413 --> 00:25:04,938 And I feel like I'm good at it, 370 00:25:04,981 --> 00:25:07,723 and I do it a lot, but... 371 00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:10,596 obviously, there's still a lot 372 00:25:10,639 --> 00:25:12,989 for-for me to learn and... 373 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,819 Anyway, um... 374 00:25:16,863 --> 00:25:19,648 I'd love to give it a go, if... 375 00:25:19,692 --> 00:25:22,521 you know, if it's all right with you guys. 376 00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:28,875 Yeah. I'll talk to Karen and to your mom. 377 00:25:29,919 --> 00:25:31,704 Back here. 378 00:25:54,988 --> 00:25:56,598 Have you met your roommate yet? 379 00:25:56,642 --> 00:25:57,817 Yeah, he seems nice. 380 00:25:57,860 --> 00:25:59,906 He's just in the hall. 381 00:25:59,949 --> 00:26:01,211 I feel for you, though. 382 00:26:02,648 --> 00:26:03,997 Ouch. 383 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,564 No worries. I'll educate him. 384 00:26:07,391 --> 00:26:09,611 Before you know it, he'll be listening to John Zorn. 385 00:26:09,655 --> 00:26:11,482 Ah. 386 00:26:19,926 --> 00:26:21,841 Well, I better get going. 387 00:26:21,884 --> 00:26:23,233 All right. 388 00:26:34,941 --> 00:26:39,336 - Everything. - Everything. 389 00:26:53,089 --> 00:26:54,787 So, this is a poem 390 00:26:54,830 --> 00:26:56,397 by Charles Bukowski. 391 00:26:58,051 --> 00:27:02,446 Uh, this man saved my life multiple times, so... 392 00:27:02,490 --> 00:27:06,015 "I changed jobs and cities, 393 00:27:06,059 --> 00:27:07,800 "I hated holidays, 394 00:27:07,843 --> 00:27:10,411 "babies, history, 395 00:27:10,454 --> 00:27:13,762 "newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 396 00:27:13,806 --> 00:27:17,766 marriage, movies, spiders..." 397 00:27:17,810 --> 00:27:19,594 I want to see it, I want to see it! Oh! 398 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:20,943 "...garbagemen, 399 00:27:20,987 --> 00:27:22,249 - "English accents... - Nice. Go, go, go! 400 00:27:22,292 --> 00:27:24,381 "...Spain, France, 401 00:27:24,425 --> 00:27:28,429 "Italy, walnuts and the color orange. 402 00:27:28,472 --> 00:27:34,087 "Algebra angered me, opera sickened me, 403 00:27:34,130 --> 00:27:35,697 "Charlie Chaplin was a fake 404 00:27:35,741 --> 00:27:38,265 and flowers were for pansies." 405 00:27:42,008 --> 00:27:44,010 Thanks. 406 00:27:59,939 --> 00:28:02,681 Come here. 407 00:28:08,295 --> 00:28:10,384 Mm. 408 00:28:10,427 --> 00:28:12,995 Hi. 409 00:28:35,104 --> 00:28:36,627 Where's your bathroom? 410 00:28:36,671 --> 00:28:38,151 Hey, is there a bathroom I can use? 411 00:28:38,194 --> 00:28:39,239 Sure, honey. 412 00:28:39,282 --> 00:28:40,501 I'll show you where it is. 413 00:28:40,544 --> 00:28:42,111 Go right up, to the left. 414 00:29:54,488 --> 00:29:56,838 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Nic. 415 00:29:56,882 --> 00:29:58,622 How you doing? What's going on? 416 00:29:58,666 --> 00:30:00,059 Oh, no, everything's going great here, yeah. 417 00:30:00,102 --> 00:30:01,538 Oh, hey, thanks for sending the money. 418 00:30:01,582 --> 00:30:02,713 I really appreciate that. 419 00:31:29,365 --> 00:31:31,977 Yeah, you always hog the fondue. 420 00:31:32,020 --> 00:31:34,501 Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil are going hiking tomorrow, 421 00:31:34,544 --> 00:31:37,591 so they'd like us to join them. 422 00:31:41,987 --> 00:31:43,510 Are Jasper and Daisy here, by any...? 423 00:31:43,553 --> 00:31:45,512 - They're not here. - No? 424 00:31:45,555 --> 00:31:47,253 - No. -Oh, they didn't want to see me? 425 00:31:47,296 --> 00:31:49,820 - No, they didn't want to see you. - Oh, that's tough to hear. 426 00:31:49,864 --> 00:31:52,911 Uh, well, I'm gonna just have a seat on this couch 427 00:31:52,954 --> 00:31:54,042 and think about that, huh? 428 00:31:54,086 --> 00:31:55,478 - Oh! - Whoa! Whoa! 429 00:31:55,522 --> 00:31:58,873 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Daisy! 430 00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:00,483 Oh, Jasper! 431 00:32:00,527 --> 00:32:03,356 Oh, my God, you guys have gotten so much bigger! 432 00:32:03,399 --> 00:32:06,402 Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...! 433 00:32:07,664 --> 00:32:09,362 - Okay. - Denmark, 1632. 434 00:32:09,405 --> 00:32:11,538 - Oh, no. - We... 435 00:32:11,581 --> 00:32:15,672 Like to look back at the history of Hula-Hoops. 436 00:32:15,716 --> 00:32:18,240 So important to, uh, 437 00:32:18,284 --> 00:32:20,590 the culture of peace and wisdom. 438 00:32:20,634 --> 00:32:22,114 Um, a man 439 00:32:22,157 --> 00:32:24,420 - named George... - Hoopulu. 440 00:32:24,464 --> 00:32:27,510 Was, uh... was, uh... 441 00:32:27,554 --> 00:32:29,208 And he thought... 442 00:32:29,251 --> 00:32:31,775 "Well, I'm going to 443 00:32:31,819 --> 00:32:33,386 develop something that I..." 444 00:32:38,913 --> 00:32:40,262 Hey. 445 00:32:40,306 --> 00:32:43,178 Hey. Uh... 446 00:32:43,222 --> 00:32:45,659 Hey. Um... 447 00:32:45,702 --> 00:32:48,618 I was wondering, do you think I could use your car tonight? 448 00:32:48,662 --> 00:32:51,056 'Cause I just... I want to go to a meeting. 449 00:32:51,099 --> 00:32:53,014 Oh. You got a meeting tonight? 450 00:32:53,058 --> 00:32:54,885 Yeah, sure. 451 00:32:58,280 --> 00:32:59,629 Y-You good? 452 00:32:59,673 --> 00:33:01,327 Yeah. I just... 453 00:33:02,589 --> 00:33:04,025 - They're crazy. - Yeah. 454 00:33:04,069 --> 00:33:06,723 They're really excited you're home. 455 00:33:08,769 --> 00:33:11,598 - I mean, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. -Okay. 456 00:33:13,295 --> 00:33:15,254 All right. 457 00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:39,843 Yep! Mm! 458 00:34:02,475 --> 00:34:04,216 Where is it?! 459 00:34:04,259 --> 00:34:05,782 I don't have it! 460 00:34:05,826 --> 00:34:07,306 Where is it?! 461 00:34:07,349 --> 00:34:08,872 I don't have it! 462 00:34:08,916 --> 00:34:10,700 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 463 00:34:10,744 --> 00:34:12,398 Where is it?! 464 00:34:12,441 --> 00:34:14,095 - Guys, guys, stop it. - I don't know! 465 00:34:14,139 --> 00:34:15,923 Stop. Calm down. What's going on in here? 466 00:34:15,966 --> 00:34:17,751 She took my money! 467 00:34:17,794 --> 00:34:19,187 I didn't. 468 00:34:19,231 --> 00:34:21,407 Okay, all right. Come on, go downstairs 469 00:34:21,450 --> 00:34:23,148 - and see Mommy, all right? - You took them! 470 00:34:23,191 --> 00:34:25,106 - -Don't, don't, don't. Stop, stop. 471 00:34:25,150 --> 00:34:28,153 - I didn't take it, Daddy. - I know you didn't. All right. 472 00:34:28,196 --> 00:34:30,938 Just go downstairs and have some breakfast. 473 00:34:30,981 --> 00:34:32,070 Hey, what happened? 474 00:34:33,767 --> 00:34:35,116 They're gone. 475 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,640 Okay. Are you sure you had it in there? 476 00:34:37,684 --> 00:34:40,817 - Yeah. I had them yesterday. - Okay. 477 00:34:47,824 --> 00:34:49,826 Jasper's savings disappeared. 478 00:34:51,828 --> 00:34:53,830 Yeah? That's weird. 479 00:34:59,184 --> 00:35:02,143 Did you take his eight dollars? 480 00:35:03,318 --> 00:35:04,798 What? 481 00:35:04,841 --> 00:35:06,104 You heard me. 482 00:35:07,148 --> 00:35:08,889 Why would I? 483 00:35:08,932 --> 00:35:11,674 It disappeared, and somebody has to have done it. 484 00:35:11,718 --> 00:35:13,589 Right, so it's me. 485 00:35:13,633 --> 00:35:16,026 This is fucking ridiculous. 486 00:35:16,070 --> 00:35:19,247 Are you using again? 487 00:35:19,291 --> 00:35:22,076 Am I using again? No. 488 00:35:24,078 --> 00:35:26,820 Are you high right now? 489 00:35:26,863 --> 00:35:28,474 What the f...? No. 490 00:35:28,517 --> 00:35:30,563 - Fuck you. - "Fuck you"? 491 00:35:30,606 --> 00:35:32,086 Don't talk to me that way. 492 00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:33,696 Are you high right now? 493 00:35:33,740 --> 00:35:35,089 No. 494 00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:36,699 You're not using right now? 495 00:35:36,743 --> 00:35:38,136 Are you using? 496 00:35:38,179 --> 00:35:41,835 No, Dad, I'm not fucking high right now! 497 00:35:41,878 --> 00:35:43,880 Okay. 498 00:35:47,232 --> 00:35:50,539 Listen, it was a gamble to send you to college. 499 00:35:50,583 --> 00:35:53,281 Everybody supported it. 500 00:35:53,325 --> 00:35:55,283 I'm glad that you went. 501 00:35:56,458 --> 00:35:58,982 Relapse is a part of rec... 502 00:35:59,026 --> 00:36:00,941 Relapse is part of recovery. 503 00:36:00,984 --> 00:36:04,901 - So we're gonna get... - I better leave. 504 00:36:13,301 --> 00:36:15,782 - David? - Hey. 505 00:36:15,825 --> 00:36:18,567 Just... where-where are you gonna go? 506 00:36:18,611 --> 00:36:20,874 You can't just leave. This is ridiculous. 507 00:36:20,917 --> 00:36:22,528 - Come on. - Will you talk to us? 508 00:36:22,571 --> 00:36:24,486 I mean, really... we just want to talk to you. 509 00:36:24,530 --> 00:36:26,923 Why don't... Try to help us understand. 510 00:36:26,967 --> 00:36:28,621 - Or just let us help you. - All right? 511 00:36:28,664 --> 00:36:30,144 I don't want your fucking help. Don't you understand that? 512 00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:31,537 - No. -No, you don't. Jesus Christ, then what 513 00:36:31,580 --> 00:36:32,886 the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh? 514 00:36:32,929 --> 00:36:34,322 - What the hell is wrong with you people? -Nic. 515 00:36:34,366 --> 00:36:35,845 - No! You fucking suffocate me. - Hey. 516 00:36:35,889 --> 00:36:37,456 - Oh... - You fucking suffocate me! 517 00:36:37,499 --> 00:36:39,936 Whoa, it's us? We're the problem? 518 00:36:39,980 --> 00:36:42,200 No. You know what, you're the one who's doing it! 519 00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:43,940 You're the one who's causing it! 520 00:36:43,984 --> 00:36:46,204 And you're the only one who can stop it! 521 00:36:46,247 --> 00:36:48,206 Fucking solve it! 522 00:37:16,495 --> 00:37:17,539 Fuck! 523 00:37:18,584 --> 00:37:20,107 Fuck! 524 00:39:13,220 --> 00:39:15,614 So, this is for the, uh, 525 00:39:15,657 --> 00:39:17,355 New York Times Magazine? 526 00:39:17,398 --> 00:39:19,139 Oh, no. 527 00:39:19,182 --> 00:39:20,488 I'm a... I-I write. 528 00:39:20,532 --> 00:39:22,055 I freelance for different magazines, 529 00:39:22,098 --> 00:39:25,145 but this is... this is a personal matter. 530 00:39:25,188 --> 00:39:27,408 - A personal matter? - Yes. I'm sorry. 531 00:39:27,452 --> 00:39:29,671 - Is that okay? - Uh, no, it's absolutely okay. 532 00:39:29,715 --> 00:39:31,586 May I ask what-what this is regarding? 533 00:39:31,630 --> 00:39:34,067 Uh, it's about my son. 534 00:39:34,110 --> 00:39:36,112 Okay. 535 00:39:39,115 --> 00:39:42,336 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 536 00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:44,251 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 537 00:39:44,294 --> 00:39:48,081 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them. 538 00:39:48,124 --> 00:39:50,388 And I guess I'm here 539 00:39:50,431 --> 00:39:54,130 because I just want to know all that I can 540 00:39:54,174 --> 00:39:57,133 about all of it. 541 00:39:57,177 --> 00:39:59,701 So, uh, crystal meth, uh, 542 00:39:59,745 --> 00:40:01,616 gives the user a feeling of instant euphoria... 543 00:40:01,660 --> 00:40:04,227 at least, when he takes it. 544 00:40:04,271 --> 00:40:05,446 You know, but when it wears off, 545 00:40:05,490 --> 00:40:07,274 with a depletion of as much as 60% 546 00:40:07,317 --> 00:40:10,233 of the dopamine, the user has to up the doses. 547 00:40:10,277 --> 00:40:14,281 He has to double it, triple it just to feel something, 548 00:40:14,324 --> 00:40:16,457 causing even more nerve damage, 549 00:40:16,501 --> 00:40:20,374 which, uh, increases the compulsion to use. 550 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:21,941 Horrible cycle. 551 00:40:23,986 --> 00:40:26,162 - What's up? - Hey. 552 00:40:26,206 --> 00:40:28,904 Just doing some research. 553 00:40:56,192 --> 00:40:58,151 Hi. 554 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,289 Are you hungry? 555 00:41:06,333 --> 00:41:09,467 You want to get something? 556 00:41:09,510 --> 00:41:12,121 Most guys just ask me for a blow job. 557 00:41:12,165 --> 00:41:15,734 Oh, no. No, I'm just offering something to eat. 558 00:41:15,777 --> 00:41:18,171 Maybe talk a little, if you're up to it. 559 00:41:18,214 --> 00:41:21,566 Meth changes the brain physically. 560 00:41:21,609 --> 00:41:24,046 Here we see the loss of dopamine receptors 561 00:41:24,090 --> 00:41:26,048 in a meth user's brain. 562 00:41:26,092 --> 00:41:29,661 Now, I'm gonna show you something else here. 563 00:41:29,704 --> 00:41:32,402 Do you see, uh, right here there are these two red, uh... 564 00:41:32,446 --> 00:41:34,013 - large, red spots right here? - Yeah. 565 00:41:34,056 --> 00:41:36,798 Okay, what that shows is hyperactivity in the amygdala. 566 00:41:36,842 --> 00:41:38,757 And the amygdala is a region of the brain 567 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,281 that is linked with anxiety and fear. 568 00:41:41,324 --> 00:41:43,457 Here the amygdala is screaming. 569 00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,245 What this shows us 570 00:41:49,289 --> 00:41:51,683 is that there is a biological basis, 571 00:41:51,726 --> 00:41:55,425 uh, that meth users may be unable... 572 00:41:55,469 --> 00:41:57,558 not unwilling, but unable... 573 00:41:57,602 --> 00:42:00,561 to participate in normal treatment programs. 574 00:42:00,605 --> 00:42:02,084 I was in rehab, too. 575 00:42:03,216 --> 00:42:04,739 Three times. 576 00:42:04,783 --> 00:42:07,220 Ran away every time. 577 00:42:07,263 --> 00:42:09,701 Why? 578 00:42:09,744 --> 00:42:11,920 It was hell. 579 00:42:11,964 --> 00:42:14,357 Wanted to die. 580 00:42:14,401 --> 00:42:16,359 Why was it hell? 581 00:42:16,403 --> 00:42:19,232 All that God shit. 582 00:42:19,275 --> 00:42:21,234 Also, you just don't know how good it gets 583 00:42:21,277 --> 00:42:23,236 when it gets good. 584 00:42:23,279 --> 00:42:25,368 It's hard to explain. 585 00:42:25,412 --> 00:42:27,283 Feels like cocaine 586 00:42:27,327 --> 00:42:28,894 but multiplied by, like, a thousand. 587 00:42:28,937 --> 00:42:30,591 Or, like, a million. 588 00:42:30,635 --> 00:42:33,246 What does this mean for Nic? 589 00:42:33,289 --> 00:42:35,248 Look, Mr. Sheff, I... 590 00:42:35,291 --> 00:42:38,207 I don't know who promised you what, 591 00:42:38,251 --> 00:42:42,255 but the success percentage is in the single digits. 592 00:42:44,213 --> 00:42:45,563 Okay. 593 00:42:47,652 --> 00:42:50,437 What about your parents? 594 00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:52,613 What about them? 595 00:42:52,657 --> 00:42:55,485 Don't you think they're worried about you? 596 00:42:55,529 --> 00:42:58,010 Shouldn't you... 597 00:42:58,053 --> 00:43:00,316 let them know that... 598 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,623 They don't care. 599 00:43:02,667 --> 00:43:06,018 Well, I think they do. 600 00:43:07,062 --> 00:43:10,065 What the fuck do you know? 601 00:43:16,855 --> 00:43:18,813 I gotta go. 602 00:43:18,857 --> 00:43:22,034 Oh. Okay. 603 00:43:25,385 --> 00:43:27,953 Thanks. 604 00:43:45,579 --> 00:43:48,364 - Hey! - Hey! Hey, now! 605 00:44:45,421 --> 00:44:46,988 God. 606 00:46:15,860 --> 00:46:17,775 I'm gonna try some Klingon on you. 607 00:46:17,818 --> 00:46:18,906 Ready? 608 00:46:27,523 --> 00:46:29,699 - You know what I said? - May I have a Coca-Cola? 609 00:46:29,743 --> 00:46:31,136 Exactly. 610 00:46:31,179 --> 00:46:32,964 That's it. 611 00:46:33,007 --> 00:46:34,966 That's exactly what I asked. 612 00:46:35,009 --> 00:46:36,445 Can I have a Coca-Cola? 613 00:46:36,489 --> 00:46:38,360 All right. If you ask me in Klingon, 614 00:46:38,404 --> 00:46:40,406 maybe I'll get you a Coke. 615 00:46:57,989 --> 00:47:00,121 Hey. 616 00:47:12,655 --> 00:47:14,614 Oh, wow. 617 00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:18,270 This hasn't changed at all. 618 00:47:18,313 --> 00:47:21,403 This place. 619 00:47:22,535 --> 00:47:24,232 - Hey. - So, how you doing? 620 00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:25,668 I'm doing great. 621 00:47:25,712 --> 00:47:27,888 You know, just, um... 622 00:47:27,932 --> 00:47:29,716 um... 623 00:47:29,759 --> 00:47:31,718 just doing what needs to be done. 624 00:47:32,762 --> 00:47:34,590 What does that mean? 625 00:47:34,634 --> 00:47:38,377 Just being responsible for myself and... 626 00:47:38,420 --> 00:47:40,640 I've quit on my own, you know, so... 627 00:47:40,683 --> 00:47:42,816 I got five days now. 628 00:47:44,426 --> 00:47:46,689 I feel like I'm doing well, but I just need, um... 629 00:47:46,733 --> 00:47:49,867 I just need a few hundred bucks, though. 630 00:47:49,910 --> 00:47:51,607 Nic, I can't give you any money. 631 00:47:53,609 --> 00:47:55,568 Yeah. 632 00:47:55,611 --> 00:47:57,831 Okay. 633 00:47:57,875 --> 00:47:59,572 It's just 200 bucks. I just need, um... 634 00:47:59,615 --> 00:48:01,139 I just need to get some shit together. 635 00:48:01,182 --> 00:48:02,444 I want to go to New York. 636 00:48:02,488 --> 00:48:04,751 - New York? - Yeah. 637 00:48:04,794 --> 00:48:06,622 I need to get out of San Francisco. 638 00:48:06,666 --> 00:48:08,320 There's too many... 639 00:48:08,363 --> 00:48:10,235 All these fucking bad vibes here 640 00:48:10,278 --> 00:48:13,194 all the time. 641 00:48:13,238 --> 00:48:15,109 Yeah, I just need a few hundred bucks. 642 00:48:15,153 --> 00:48:17,503 Why don't we just have lunch and talk? 643 00:48:17,546 --> 00:48:20,071 - We can do that, right? - Mm. 644 00:48:20,114 --> 00:48:21,681 Hmm. 645 00:48:26,077 --> 00:48:28,775 How... how's Karen and, uh... and the kids? 646 00:48:28,818 --> 00:48:32,213 Okay. They ask about you. 647 00:48:32,257 --> 00:48:35,129 It's their step-up next week, and I know they'd love you... 648 00:48:35,173 --> 00:48:37,044 Dad, you're, uh... you're guilt-tripping me, all right? 649 00:48:37,088 --> 00:48:38,567 No, I'm just saying... 650 00:48:38,611 --> 00:48:40,874 I should feel horrible about myself. 651 00:48:42,397 --> 00:48:47,011 I know they wanted you to be there, that's all. 652 00:48:47,054 --> 00:48:48,708 I'm sorry, Dad. 653 00:48:48,751 --> 00:48:52,233 Um... I just need some fucking money, all right? 654 00:48:52,277 --> 00:48:53,713 So please just give me some fucking money. 655 00:48:53,756 --> 00:48:55,019 And then what? Where does this end? 656 00:48:55,062 --> 00:48:56,585 This is... I got to see this one through. 657 00:48:56,629 --> 00:48:58,196 This is kind of working out for me right now. 658 00:48:58,239 --> 00:48:59,501 - I got five days sober. - It doesn't look 659 00:48:59,545 --> 00:49:00,763 like it's working out, Nic. 660 00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:01,939 Oh, it doesn't look like it's working out? 661 00:49:01,982 --> 00:49:02,852 - So what, then, therapy? Huh? -No. 662 00:49:02,896 --> 00:49:04,289 - You can come home. - No. 663 00:49:04,332 --> 00:49:05,768 - That wouldn't... - We'll make it work. Please. 664 00:49:05,812 --> 00:49:07,292 Nic. 665 00:49:08,510 --> 00:49:10,338 Please. 666 00:49:17,128 --> 00:49:19,695 - I've been doing some research. - Been doing fucking research? 667 00:49:19,739 --> 00:49:21,741 - You got to be kidding me, Dad. - No... 668 00:49:21,784 --> 00:49:23,743 You think that you have this under control. 669 00:49:23,786 --> 00:49:26,876 - Mm-hmm. -And I understand how scared you are. 670 00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:28,878 I understand why I do things... it doesn't make me 671 00:49:28,922 --> 00:49:31,403 any different, all right? I'm attracted to craziness. 672 00:49:31,446 --> 00:49:33,405 And you're just embarrassed, 'cause I was, like, you know... 673 00:49:33,448 --> 00:49:34,667 I was, like, this amazing thing, 674 00:49:34,710 --> 00:49:36,625 like, your special creation or something, 675 00:49:36,669 --> 00:49:39,019 - and you don't like who I am now. - Yeah? 676 00:49:39,063 --> 00:49:40,760 - Who are you, Nic? - This is me, Dad. 677 00:49:40,803 --> 00:49:42,805 Here. This is who I am. 678 00:49:50,074 --> 00:49:52,163 You don't like what you see? 679 00:49:58,604 --> 00:50:02,869 You know, the more I think about it... 680 00:50:02,912 --> 00:50:05,132 Mom should've gotten custody. 681 00:50:05,176 --> 00:50:07,700 Because you always gotta be fucking 682 00:50:07,743 --> 00:50:09,571 controlling everything all the time. 683 00:50:09,615 --> 00:50:12,139 You're allowed to be mad at me, Nic. I made mistakes. 684 00:50:12,183 --> 00:50:15,055 I understand that. I wish that I hadn't, but I did. 685 00:50:15,099 --> 00:50:17,884 But, God, what you're saying right now 686 00:50:17,927 --> 00:50:20,930 - doesn't make any sense. - You're doing this right now! 687 00:50:20,974 --> 00:50:22,671 - You're fucking controlling me right now! - It's not you. 688 00:50:22,715 --> 00:50:24,543 It is not you, Nic. It is the drugs talking. 689 00:50:24,586 --> 00:50:25,718 What does that even fucking mean, huh? 690 00:50:25,761 --> 00:50:27,154 Psychological terror. 691 00:50:27,198 --> 00:50:28,721 - It's what addicts do. - What the fuck 692 00:50:28,764 --> 00:50:30,027 are you doing right now, huh? 693 00:50:30,070 --> 00:50:32,942 What is this? What are you doing, huh? 694 00:50:40,994 --> 00:50:42,996 Oh, man. 695 00:50:46,086 --> 00:50:49,046 I didn't want it to go like this. 696 00:50:52,788 --> 00:50:54,355 All right. 697 00:50:54,399 --> 00:50:56,053 I should go, Dad. 698 00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:03,451 - Let me... let me book you a room. - No, Dad. 699 00:51:03,495 --> 00:51:06,193 - At a hotel for a couple of nights. - No. Dad... 700 00:51:06,237 --> 00:51:09,457 - Why don't we just go get some food? - Dad, I should go. 701 00:51:11,024 --> 00:51:12,286 Can you say good-bye, at least? 702 00:51:12,330 --> 00:51:13,853 Bye, Dad. 703 00:51:25,604 --> 00:51:27,562 Where does he sleep? 704 00:51:27,606 --> 00:51:30,130 Um, don't worry about that, sweetie. 705 00:51:30,174 --> 00:51:31,305 He's fine. 706 00:51:36,354 --> 00:51:38,747 Um... 707 00:51:38,791 --> 00:51:41,576 maybe he has a friend and he sleeps there. 708 00:51:41,620 --> 00:51:45,319 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe. - Dolphin. 709 00:51:45,363 --> 00:51:47,104 - Hope so. - Need "E." 710 00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:48,496 Elephant. 711 00:51:48,540 --> 00:51:50,672 - Can I call him? - Hmm. 712 00:51:50,716 --> 00:51:52,457 No. I tried. 713 00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:55,547 - His phone's disconnected. - Can I send him a message? 714 00:51:55,590 --> 00:51:59,899 Maybe he'll get lonely and turn his phone back on? 715 00:51:59,942 --> 00:52:02,336 That's a good idea. 716 00:52:02,380 --> 00:52:04,338 Yeah. Let's try that. 717 00:52:58,479 --> 00:53:00,177 Dave. 718 00:53:00,220 --> 00:53:02,527 - Yeah? - Okay. Let's go. 719 00:53:06,270 --> 00:53:08,228 Hey, Dave, close your eyes. 720 00:53:08,272 --> 00:53:09,795 Okay. 721 00:53:13,277 --> 00:53:15,235 And... open 'em! 722 00:53:16,584 --> 00:53:18,282 Oh. Wow. 723 00:53:18,325 --> 00:53:19,718 Wow! 724 00:54:17,950 --> 00:54:19,647 Hello? 725 00:54:19,691 --> 00:54:22,476 This is Julie Ford at the Bellevue Hospital in New York. 726 00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,348 Is Nic Sheff your son? 727 00:54:27,916 --> 00:54:29,440 Uh, Mr. Sheff, 728 00:54:29,483 --> 00:54:31,920 I'm sorry we missed each other earlier. 729 00:54:31,964 --> 00:54:35,097 So, Nic is still experiencing some respiratory depression, 730 00:54:35,141 --> 00:54:37,012 but his vital signs are returning. 731 00:54:37,056 --> 00:54:39,406 Sir, we're ready for departure. 732 00:54:39,450 --> 00:54:40,929 Okay, okay. 733 00:54:40,973 --> 00:54:43,584 Um... may I talk to him? 734 00:54:43,628 --> 00:54:46,021 - No, that won't be possible. - Sir, I need you to turn off 735 00:54:46,065 --> 00:54:47,675 - the phone. -Believe me, we shouldn't wake him up. 736 00:54:47,719 --> 00:54:49,590 - Mm-hmm. -Try again in a few hours, though, okay? 737 00:54:49,634 --> 00:54:52,593 - Okay. Uh, would you let him know that... -Sir. Sir. 738 00:54:52,637 --> 00:54:56,031 - Please. -Would you please let him know that I'm on my way? 739 00:55:04,431 --> 00:55:05,606 He checked out. 740 00:55:05,650 --> 00:55:06,868 What? 741 00:55:06,912 --> 00:55:08,348 Against doctor's orders. 742 00:55:08,392 --> 00:55:10,437 - No, no, he O.D.'d. - I'm sorry, sir. 743 00:55:10,481 --> 00:55:12,787 He pulled out the I.V. and catheter, and left. 744 00:55:12,831 --> 00:55:14,223 How long ago? 745 00:55:14,267 --> 00:55:16,704 Ten to 15 minutes. 746 00:55:16,748 --> 00:55:19,141 I'm sorry, sir. 747 00:55:42,817 --> 00:55:44,776 Yes. 748 00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:07,494 Look, I've thought about it, 749 00:56:07,538 --> 00:56:09,409 and I'm done with drugs. 750 00:56:09,453 --> 00:56:11,542 This is it. 751 00:56:13,935 --> 00:56:16,329 I'm telling you, Dad. 752 00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:18,331 I'm done. 753 00:56:28,515 --> 00:56:30,909 And how would that work? 754 00:56:30,952 --> 00:56:34,434 I mean, after what just happened. 755 00:56:49,667 --> 00:56:51,799 Now, if you're in the area, 756 00:56:51,843 --> 00:56:53,410 evacuation orders and details, 757 00:56:53,453 --> 00:56:55,716 including relocation centers, can be found on... 758 00:56:55,760 --> 00:56:58,110 So, at 3:00, we have a conference call 759 00:56:58,153 --> 00:56:59,720 with the intake people in Mississippi. 760 00:56:59,764 --> 00:57:01,069 That's all for now. 761 00:57:01,113 --> 00:57:02,723 3:30, the one in New Mexico. 762 00:57:02,767 --> 00:57:04,725 And 4:00, the one in Oregon. 763 00:57:04,769 --> 00:57:07,467 I did some research on the one in New Mexico. 764 00:57:07,511 --> 00:57:10,818 Mm-hmm. - They charge $40,000 a month. 765 00:57:10,862 --> 00:57:12,429 You know, it's not even that well rated. 766 00:57:12,472 --> 00:57:14,518 We'll just skip that one. 767 00:57:14,561 --> 00:57:17,303 Listen, if a spot opens up here in Los Angeles, 768 00:57:17,346 --> 00:57:19,523 maybe that's the best solution for now. 769 00:57:19,566 --> 00:57:22,526 - I'll hear back from them in an hour. -Mm. 770 00:57:23,788 --> 00:57:25,746 Give it a rest, David. 771 00:57:25,790 --> 00:57:27,922 Why don't you let me take over for now? 772 00:57:33,275 --> 00:57:34,799 Mm. 773 00:57:34,842 --> 00:57:36,627 Dad? 774 00:57:36,670 --> 00:57:38,455 Yeah. 775 00:57:38,498 --> 00:57:42,415 Will you check on me every 15 minutes? 776 00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:44,809 Yes. 777 00:58:22,368 --> 00:58:24,675 Do you want to bring one of your dinosaurs, too? 778 00:58:27,765 --> 00:58:29,549 How about a book? 779 00:58:31,246 --> 00:58:33,771 No? Okay. 780 00:58:41,300 --> 00:58:42,997 Hey. Hey. 781 00:58:45,304 --> 00:58:47,393 Can I have a hug? 782 00:58:47,436 --> 00:58:48,481 No? 783 00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,048 Why not? 784 00:58:50,091 --> 00:58:52,572 Are you mad at me? 785 00:58:52,616 --> 00:58:54,748 'Cause you have to go? 786 00:58:55,749 --> 00:58:57,403 Okay. 787 00:58:57,446 --> 00:59:01,276 Well... you'll be happy to see Mommy, though, right? 788 00:59:03,322 --> 00:59:05,280 I want you to know something. 789 00:59:05,324 --> 00:59:07,718 When you come back, I'm gonna be here... 790 00:59:07,761 --> 00:59:10,851 right... I'm gonna be right here for you. 791 00:59:10,895 --> 00:59:12,636 Okay? 792 00:59:12,679 --> 00:59:15,856 And call me when you miss me, and I'll call you. 793 00:59:17,118 --> 00:59:19,556 Do you know how much I love you? 794 00:59:26,519 --> 00:59:30,654 If you could take all the words in the language, 795 00:59:30,697 --> 00:59:33,831 it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. 796 00:59:33,874 --> 00:59:37,095 And if you could gather all those words together, 797 00:59:37,138 --> 00:59:39,880 it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you. 798 00:59:39,924 --> 00:59:42,883 What I feel for you is everything. 799 00:59:44,711 --> 00:59:47,584 I love you more than everything. 800 00:59:49,281 --> 00:59:51,631 Everything? 801 00:59:51,675 --> 00:59:53,328 Yeah, everything. 802 01:00:25,491 --> 01:00:27,493 Hey. 803 01:00:27,536 --> 01:00:29,713 That's my mom. 804 01:00:29,756 --> 01:00:32,716 I'm really glad you came to I.A. 805 01:00:32,759 --> 01:00:34,631 You know that, right? 806 01:00:40,506 --> 01:00:42,682 You just don't know what it is to be... 807 01:00:42,726 --> 01:00:44,684 - Please don't do this, Mom. - Okay. 808 01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:46,904 I'm sorry. Okay. 809 01:00:53,562 --> 01:00:56,174 All I could think about was you. 810 01:01:01,179 --> 01:01:04,530 I know this must sound meaningless, but I'm sorry. 811 01:01:08,055 --> 01:01:10,275 I'm-I'm sorry. 812 01:01:11,755 --> 01:01:13,408 Oh, Nicky. 813 01:01:19,153 --> 01:01:21,678 You are such a darling. 814 01:01:21,721 --> 01:01:23,680 You know that, right? 815 01:01:28,032 --> 01:01:30,164 Whew. 816 01:01:44,222 --> 01:01:46,180 Hey, come on, old man! 817 01:01:46,224 --> 01:01:48,443 - You're being so disrespectful. - I'm not being disrespectful. 818 01:01:48,487 --> 01:01:50,750 You're being so disrespectful. 819 01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:54,406 - I'm coming for you! - Oh, motherfucker! 820 01:01:54,449 --> 01:01:57,365 Uh-huh. You about to look at my ass, baby! 821 01:01:57,409 --> 01:01:59,672 You about to look at my ass! 822 01:02:08,420 --> 01:02:10,074 Fuck. 823 01:02:33,184 --> 01:02:34,663 That's what I get for helping. 824 01:02:34,707 --> 01:02:36,491 Why'd you pull that hard? 825 01:02:36,535 --> 01:02:38,885 - I'm sorry. - Why do you hate me? 826 01:02:54,596 --> 01:02:56,598 How does this feel? 827 01:03:00,864 --> 01:03:04,128 Like I'm a real human being. 828 01:03:12,092 --> 01:03:15,661 One day, I tried methamphetamine... 829 01:03:15,704 --> 01:03:18,142 Yeah. That felt good. 830 01:03:18,185 --> 01:03:20,666 ...and I thought, 831 01:03:20,709 --> 01:03:23,103 "This is what's been missing." 832 01:03:23,147 --> 01:03:25,802 I felt complete. 833 01:03:25,845 --> 01:03:27,847 Today's a good day. 834 01:03:27,891 --> 01:03:30,719 Yeah, I've been chasing that high 835 01:03:30,763 --> 01:03:32,721 ever since. 836 01:03:32,765 --> 01:03:34,723 No matter... 837 01:03:34,767 --> 01:03:36,725 how much meth... 838 01:03:36,769 --> 01:03:40,686 or whatever else I can find to shoot up into my body... 839 01:03:40,729 --> 01:03:43,167 I do, it's never enough. 840 01:03:46,474 --> 01:03:49,869 And I went to a couple of rehabs, 841 01:03:49,913 --> 01:03:51,479 I detoxed, 842 01:03:51,523 --> 01:03:54,265 they would talk about disease, sure, 843 01:03:54,308 --> 01:03:55,875 but... 844 01:03:55,919 --> 01:03:57,616 it never clicked. 845 01:04:00,488 --> 01:04:04,710 Until one day I woke up in a hospital 846 01:04:04,753 --> 01:04:08,018 and someone asked me, 847 01:04:08,061 --> 01:04:10,498 "What's your problem?" 848 01:04:13,327 --> 01:04:16,548 And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict." 849 01:04:16,591 --> 01:04:18,376 And he said... 850 01:04:18,419 --> 01:04:21,596 "No, that's how you've been treating your problem." 851 01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:23,598 Mm-hmm. - That's right. 852 01:04:23,642 --> 01:04:27,037 I know now I need to find a way 853 01:04:27,080 --> 01:04:30,344 to fill this... 854 01:04:30,388 --> 01:04:32,477 big... 855 01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:34,783 black hole in me. 856 01:04:39,005 --> 01:04:40,877 Anyway, so... 857 01:04:40,920 --> 01:04:44,010 I'm 14 months clean. 858 01:04:44,054 --> 01:04:46,230 I have a job at a rehab. 859 01:04:47,753 --> 01:04:50,016 It's fulfilling to help other people get sober. 860 01:04:52,540 --> 01:04:55,717 I have a sponsor, Spencer. 861 01:04:55,761 --> 01:04:58,590 Shows me how great my life can be sober. 862 01:05:00,026 --> 01:05:02,420 And, um, I still have family. 863 01:05:04,422 --> 01:05:07,207 My mom's been amazing. 864 01:05:07,251 --> 01:05:10,080 My dad's been amazing, too. 865 01:05:15,955 --> 01:05:18,262 I want them to be proud of me. 866 01:05:57,562 --> 01:06:00,217 You all right? 867 01:06:00,260 --> 01:06:02,393 What's wrong? You nervous? 868 01:06:02,436 --> 01:06:03,698 Yeah. 869 01:06:10,357 --> 01:06:12,620 Thank you for marrying me. 870 01:06:14,013 --> 01:06:16,015 Thank you for being a perfect partner 871 01:06:16,059 --> 01:06:18,061 in an imperfect world. 872 01:06:19,801 --> 01:06:22,543 Thank you for introducing me to your amazing son. 873 01:06:24,676 --> 01:06:26,634 Uh, I'm here for you, 874 01:06:26,678 --> 01:06:27,984 and I'm here to stay. 875 01:06:28,027 --> 01:06:30,073 Karen, thank you... 876 01:06:30,116 --> 01:06:32,118 for loving me. 877 01:06:33,424 --> 01:06:35,165 And thank you for loving him. 878 01:06:45,218 --> 01:06:47,699 Looks him square in the eye, and he says, "Superman..." 879 01:06:51,181 --> 01:06:52,704 Perfect. 880 01:07:12,637 --> 01:07:14,595 - Hey, good to see you. - Good to see you. 881 01:07:14,639 --> 01:07:17,076 Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy! 882 01:07:20,384 --> 01:07:22,125 Hey, Jazzy Jeff. 883 01:07:22,168 --> 01:07:24,170 What's going on, man? 884 01:07:24,214 --> 01:07:25,780 Hey, man, I miss you more 885 01:07:25,824 --> 01:07:28,827 than the sun misses the moon at night. 886 01:07:28,870 --> 01:07:30,829 Mm. 887 01:07:32,352 --> 01:07:34,180 - Hey, Karen. - Hey. 888 01:07:39,490 --> 01:07:41,622 Thank you for inviting me. 889 01:07:41,666 --> 01:07:43,276 Seriously. 890 01:08:13,350 --> 01:08:15,569 Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! 891 01:08:15,613 --> 01:08:17,049 Go, Daisy! 892 01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:18,616 Hey, honey. 893 01:08:22,315 --> 01:08:24,187 Go, Daisy, go! 894 01:08:33,892 --> 01:08:36,242 Nice. 895 01:08:38,940 --> 01:08:41,595 Oh! Ah, you! 896 01:08:41,639 --> 01:08:43,467 It's Daisy! 897 01:08:46,165 --> 01:08:47,732 Whoa! 898 01:08:56,001 --> 01:08:57,959 "If the marker is depleted 899 01:08:58,003 --> 01:08:59,918 "in meth addicts' brains, 900 01:08:59,961 --> 01:09:02,660 "it's likely there is a loss of nerve terminals 901 01:09:02,703 --> 01:09:05,184 "and the brain damage is irreversible. 902 01:09:05,228 --> 01:09:07,665 "However, when I tested for VMAT2, 903 01:09:07,708 --> 01:09:10,711 - I found normal levels." - So that's optimistic. 904 01:09:10,755 --> 01:09:13,236 - Normal levels is optimistic, yeah. - It's... 905 01:09:13,279 --> 01:09:14,672 - It is. - Okay. 906 01:09:14,715 --> 01:09:16,239 - No. I'm not... - I was just checking. 907 01:09:16,282 --> 01:09:17,762 - No, no, that's good. - Okay. 908 01:09:17,805 --> 01:09:19,067 Basically... 909 01:09:19,111 --> 01:09:20,417 the fried... 910 01:09:20,460 --> 01:09:22,462 Nic's fried nerve endings 911 01:09:22,506 --> 01:09:24,943 can grow back. 912 01:09:24,986 --> 01:09:27,163 They say it can take two years, but... 913 01:09:27,206 --> 01:09:29,382 - Two years? - Yeah. 914 01:09:29,426 --> 01:09:31,950 But that's great, David. 915 01:09:41,264 --> 01:09:43,962 - Hey. - Hey. 916 01:09:44,005 --> 01:09:47,095 - You're kind of late. - Yeah. It was a great meeting, 917 01:09:47,139 --> 01:09:49,272 and after, we went to the speaker's house 918 01:09:49,315 --> 01:09:51,230 and watched a video and... 919 01:09:51,274 --> 01:09:55,234 saw my sober sponsee bros earlier, so... 920 01:09:55,278 --> 01:09:57,280 No phone? 921 01:09:57,323 --> 01:09:59,325 Oh, my cell was dead. 922 01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:05,418 Would you be okay to do a drug test? 923 01:10:06,463 --> 01:10:08,682 Yeah, I mean, sure. 924 01:10:08,726 --> 01:10:10,249 Okay. 925 01:10:27,658 --> 01:10:30,269 You understand why, right? 926 01:10:30,313 --> 01:10:34,621 Yeah. I mean, I should've called to let you know, so... 927 01:10:34,665 --> 01:10:38,538 I trust you... we just need to have some sort of proof. 928 01:10:42,325 --> 01:10:44,892 That's about as contradictory as it gets. 929 01:10:44,936 --> 01:10:47,243 - But... - I know. I know. 930 01:10:49,332 --> 01:10:51,508 I'll do it. No worries. 931 01:10:51,551 --> 01:10:53,901 Nothing to hide. 932 01:10:54,946 --> 01:10:56,382 Okay. 933 01:10:58,689 --> 01:11:01,257 Hey, you're doing great. 934 01:11:02,736 --> 01:11:04,564 You really are. 935 01:11:04,608 --> 01:11:07,611 By my count, 485 days clean. 936 01:11:07,654 --> 01:11:09,743 Wow. Come on, that's... 937 01:11:13,660 --> 01:11:16,446 I'll just leave it in the bathroom, right? Okay. 938 01:11:17,490 --> 01:11:19,057 All right. 939 01:11:19,100 --> 01:11:21,059 - Good night, Dad. - Good night. 940 01:11:21,102 --> 01:11:23,191 - I love you. - I love you, too. 941 01:11:54,614 --> 01:11:56,573 - All right, Jasper, you ready? - Yep. 942 01:11:56,616 --> 01:11:58,749 Let's go, let's go, let's go. 943 01:11:58,792 --> 01:12:00,968 Hey. No, no, no, wait. 944 01:12:01,012 --> 01:12:04,145 - Jasper, I don't want you to go out there. -What? 945 01:12:04,189 --> 01:12:05,930 Mom, we won't go far, I swear! 946 01:12:05,973 --> 01:12:07,758 The waves are too big. It's too dangerous. 947 01:12:07,801 --> 01:12:08,976 But I am a great swimmer. 948 01:12:09,020 --> 01:12:10,282 I've been in waves way bigger than this. 949 01:12:10,326 --> 01:12:12,197 Yes, I know that, but I don't want you to... 950 01:12:12,240 --> 01:12:13,720 - Yeah, I'll stay close. - Nic will stay close, 951 01:12:13,764 --> 01:12:16,375 you see? 952 01:12:16,419 --> 01:12:18,116 Karen, I'm gonna stay... 953 01:12:18,159 --> 01:12:20,031 - I'll stay close. - Nic can go in. 954 01:12:20,074 --> 01:12:21,206 That's fine. You, no. 955 01:12:21,249 --> 01:12:23,121 And that is final. 956 01:12:23,164 --> 01:12:24,601 We'll see about that. 957 01:12:24,644 --> 01:12:27,343 - Hey! - Okay. It's fine. 958 01:12:27,386 --> 01:12:29,649 It's fine. 959 01:12:38,179 --> 01:12:40,138 Should we just play a game instead? 960 01:12:40,181 --> 01:12:42,401 - Uh... - Yeah? 961 01:12:44,838 --> 01:12:47,101 Are you a hurfboard? 962 01:12:47,145 --> 01:12:49,495 - No. - No? 963 01:12:49,539 --> 01:12:51,497 Are you a hicycle? 964 01:12:51,541 --> 01:12:53,369 - No. - No? 965 01:12:53,412 --> 01:12:55,675 Okay. Uh, are you edible? 966 01:12:55,719 --> 01:12:57,242 Not really. 967 01:12:57,285 --> 01:12:59,375 - Not really? - Not really. 968 01:12:59,418 --> 01:13:00,941 So, sort of. 969 01:13:00,985 --> 01:13:03,204 So, um... 970 01:13:03,248 --> 01:13:04,989 are you a house? 971 01:13:05,032 --> 01:13:08,122 Yes. How did you know? 972 01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:09,863 You know, 973 01:13:09,907 --> 01:13:12,300 I can read your mind. 974 01:13:12,344 --> 01:13:15,129 - Ooh... - Ooh... 975 01:13:16,348 --> 01:13:18,132 I know you're a great swimmer. 976 01:13:18,176 --> 01:13:20,134 I'm gonna be there to cheer for you at your next swim meet. 977 01:13:20,178 --> 01:13:21,222 How does that sound? 978 01:13:21,266 --> 01:13:22,789 Yeah? 979 01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:25,226 Okay. 980 01:13:25,270 --> 01:13:27,620 Hey, is it weird to see me after all this time? 981 01:13:27,664 --> 01:13:28,621 Or no? 982 01:13:28,665 --> 01:13:30,406 I guess it was, at first. 983 01:13:30,449 --> 01:13:33,496 - Okay. -I thought you might be different. 984 01:13:33,539 --> 01:13:36,803 But you're just the same old Nic. 985 01:13:59,347 --> 01:14:02,481 - That was a great weekend. - Mm-hmm. 986 01:14:55,708 --> 01:14:58,537 Go, Nic! 987 01:15:25,956 --> 01:15:28,524 Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic! 988 01:15:28,567 --> 01:15:30,787 Bye, Nic! 989 01:15:53,287 --> 01:15:55,594 One day at a time, man. 990 01:15:55,638 --> 01:15:57,204 Congratulations. Welcome to the real world. 991 01:15:57,248 --> 01:15:59,076 Oh, I don't want to live in the real world. 992 01:15:59,119 --> 01:16:00,730 I'm so sick of living in it. 993 01:16:00,773 --> 01:16:02,253 - -That's your disease talking to you, man. 994 01:16:02,296 --> 01:16:03,776 - Oh, I'm trying. - By trying to isolate you. 995 01:16:03,820 --> 01:16:05,386 Trying to kill you. You know this, man. 996 01:16:05,430 --> 01:16:07,258 I don't feel like I have a disease, Spencer. 997 01:16:07,301 --> 01:16:09,086 I feel like... 998 01:16:09,129 --> 01:16:12,176 - Well, you got to. -This isn't like fucking cancer. 999 01:16:12,219 --> 01:16:15,527 This is my fucking choice. I put myself here. 1000 01:16:15,571 --> 01:16:17,181 Yeah, you did. You did put yourself there. 1001 01:16:17,224 --> 01:16:18,922 Are you gonna let me talk or what? 1002 01:16:18,965 --> 01:16:21,925 Okay? Like, you're a writer, right? So write. 1003 01:16:21,968 --> 01:16:24,275 You're good at it. This is your day. This is a choice. 1004 01:16:24,318 --> 01:16:26,016 - What do you want to do now? - Fucking... 1005 01:16:26,059 --> 01:16:27,757 Once you get high, you lose all your choices. 1006 01:16:27,800 --> 01:16:29,541 - If you get high, you lose everything. -Right. 1007 01:16:29,585 --> 01:16:32,413 All right, so you got to keep choosing the right way. 1008 01:16:34,981 --> 01:16:36,940 - Right. - That's right. 1009 01:16:36,983 --> 01:16:38,768 You choose the right way. 1010 01:16:38,811 --> 01:16:40,291 Right. All right, hey, listen, 1011 01:16:40,334 --> 01:16:41,814 I'm gonna give you a call later, all right? 1012 01:16:41,858 --> 01:16:43,337 Uh, I-I feel like I'm gonna do all right. 1013 01:16:43,381 --> 01:16:44,643 You blowing me off now? 1014 01:16:44,687 --> 01:16:46,297 You gonna call me and waste my time? 1015 01:16:46,340 --> 01:16:48,081 Don't waste my time. I'm here for you, man. 1016 01:16:48,125 --> 01:16:49,648 You know what, look, I'm having some steaks tonight. 1017 01:16:49,692 --> 01:16:50,823 Why don't you come over for dinner. 1018 01:16:50,867 --> 01:16:52,085 - All right, I'll see you then. - You... 1019 01:16:52,129 --> 01:16:53,521 That sounds great. I'll see you then. 1020 01:16:53,565 --> 01:16:55,001 - Yo, Nic, Nic. - Yes, sir. I'll see you then. 1021 01:16:55,045 --> 01:16:57,134 - Nic... - All right, bye-bye. 1022 01:17:54,147 --> 01:17:56,193 Nic Sheff. 1023 01:17:56,236 --> 01:17:58,195 Lauren. What? 1024 01:17:58,238 --> 01:18:00,458 What are you... 1025 01:18:02,329 --> 01:18:04,027 Wow, it's been a long time. 1026 01:18:04,070 --> 01:18:05,550 What-what are you doing here? 1027 01:18:05,593 --> 01:18:08,118 Just, uh... 1028 01:18:09,989 --> 01:18:12,296 What? 1029 01:18:15,473 --> 01:18:17,040 I've been sober for a while, 1030 01:18:17,083 --> 01:18:20,130 but I'm seriously looking to party right now. 1031 01:18:43,457 --> 01:18:46,156 I got what you need. We have E, we have pills, man. 1032 01:18:46,199 --> 01:18:48,245 We have E. I told you, I told you. 1033 01:18:56,209 --> 01:18:58,995 Can you get me a cup of water and a spoon? 1034 01:18:59,038 --> 01:19:00,431 Mm-hmm. 1035 01:19:00,474 --> 01:19:02,825 All right. 1036 01:19:18,971 --> 01:19:21,365 - Mm-hmm. - All right. 1037 01:19:21,408 --> 01:19:24,020 - Here you go. - Thank you. 1038 01:19:25,021 --> 01:19:27,240 Cotton and a spoon. 1039 01:19:50,002 --> 01:19:52,831 Mmm. 1040 01:20:03,537 --> 01:20:05,757 All right, that's it. 1041 01:20:05,801 --> 01:20:07,759 That's it. 1042 01:20:17,464 --> 01:20:19,423 Wow. 1043 01:22:38,692 --> 01:22:40,825 Your call has been forwarded 1044 01:22:40,868 --> 01:22:42,827 to an automated voice messaging system. 1045 01:22:42,870 --> 01:22:44,698 At the tone, please record your message. 1046 01:22:46,048 --> 01:22:47,658 It's Dad again. 1047 01:22:47,701 --> 01:22:49,703 I feel like you might have been a little down 1048 01:22:49,747 --> 01:22:52,619 when you left, Nic, so I'm here to talk if you need to. 1049 01:22:52,663 --> 01:22:55,318 All right. 1050 01:23:07,460 --> 01:23:09,941 So you have no idea where he is? 1051 01:23:09,985 --> 01:23:12,509 Uh, Spencer told me he heard from him. 1052 01:23:12,552 --> 01:23:15,512 He was having a difficult time, but he was pulling through. 1053 01:23:15,555 --> 01:23:19,255 But, yeah, he's not at work, he's not at home. 1054 01:23:19,298 --> 01:23:21,648 - He's unreachable on his cell. - Damn it. Damn it. Vicki, 1055 01:23:21,692 --> 01:23:24,651 he left here two days ago. Why didn't you check on him? 1056 01:23:24,695 --> 01:23:27,045 You're supposed to be taking care of this kid, right? 1057 01:23:27,089 --> 01:23:28,655 What the fuck, David? 1058 01:23:28,699 --> 01:23:30,962 Who's been taking care of him the last year? 1059 01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:32,572 Well, you could've checked on him. 1060 01:23:32,616 --> 01:23:34,313 I mean, what the fuck is your problem? 1061 01:23:34,357 --> 01:23:36,881 What do you think I do all day? 1062 01:23:36,924 --> 01:23:40,276 Besides, we can't run surveillance on him 24/7. 1063 01:23:40,319 --> 01:23:43,279 I think you need to go to the police right now 1064 01:23:43,322 --> 01:23:45,281 and file a missing persons report, okay? 1065 01:23:45,324 --> 01:23:47,239 - Stop yelling at me! - No, I'm not gonna stop 1066 01:23:47,283 --> 01:23:49,546 - yelling at you, Vicki. - I hate it when you do that. 1067 01:23:49,589 --> 01:23:50,982 - Because you're just... - You're totally crazy. 1068 01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:52,418 What are you even doing there?! 1069 01:23:52,462 --> 01:23:54,290 - Fucking unfair, David! - No, no! Listen to me! 1070 01:23:54,333 --> 01:23:56,335 What are... 1071 01:23:57,336 --> 01:23:59,643 Damn. 1072 01:23:59,686 --> 01:24:02,167 Fuck! 1073 01:24:08,739 --> 01:24:10,436 Dave? 1074 01:24:10,480 --> 01:24:13,222 Could you call my phone, please? 1075 01:24:16,225 --> 01:24:18,096 What's going on? 1076 01:24:18,140 --> 01:24:20,011 He's gone. 1077 01:24:21,360 --> 01:24:24,407 How do we even know he's in I.A.? 1078 01:24:24,450 --> 01:24:27,062 I mean, he could be in San Francisco. He could be... 1079 01:24:27,105 --> 01:24:29,499 he could be in fucking Mexico, for all we know. 1080 01:24:29,542 --> 01:24:31,109 I need to go. 1081 01:24:31,153 --> 01:24:33,851 Yeah, but I need you to stay. 1082 01:24:33,894 --> 01:24:35,679 Well, Vicki can't handle it like I... 1083 01:24:35,722 --> 01:24:38,029 I don't care about Vicki. This isn't about Vicki. 1084 01:24:38,073 --> 01:24:41,685 Okay, why don't you just relax and try to be reasonable. 1085 01:24:41,728 --> 01:24:43,948 - What? You be reasonable. - I am being reasonable. 1086 01:24:43,991 --> 01:24:44,992 Is this reasonable?! 1087 01:24:45,036 --> 01:24:47,604 No! It's not! 1088 01:24:47,647 --> 01:24:49,040 How can I be?! 1089 01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:50,607 My son is out there somewhere, 1090 01:24:50,650 --> 01:24:52,261 and I don't know what he's doing! 1091 01:24:52,304 --> 01:24:53,871 I don't know how to help him! 1092 01:24:53,914 --> 01:24:56,352 You can't! 1093 01:25:06,840 --> 01:25:08,581 I can't sleep. 1094 01:25:12,629 --> 01:25:13,586 You can't sleep? 1095 01:25:13,630 --> 01:25:15,153 I can't sleep. 1096 01:25:15,197 --> 01:25:16,415 Okay. 1097 01:25:20,593 --> 01:25:22,595 Good night, Daddy. 1098 01:25:23,596 --> 01:25:25,163 Good night. 1099 01:26:02,592 --> 01:26:04,289 Let go! 1100 01:26:04,333 --> 01:26:05,986 Airplane flying! 1101 01:26:11,078 --> 01:26:13,037 Fly away! Fly! 1102 01:27:20,626 --> 01:27:22,411 No. Uh-uh. Come on, not you. Come on. -DAVID: Hold on. 1103 01:27:22,454 --> 01:27:24,195 - Get back in. Guys, come on. - Hold on. Hold on, honey. 1104 01:27:24,239 --> 01:27:25,979 - Wait. - Good dog. 1105 01:27:27,894 --> 01:27:31,158 I thought Nic was gonna be here today. 1106 01:27:31,202 --> 01:27:33,465 Uh, no. Something came up. 1107 01:27:34,466 --> 01:27:36,599 Can I call him? 1108 01:27:36,642 --> 01:27:38,601 No, no. You can't. 1109 01:27:38,644 --> 01:27:40,211 It's not gonna be possible. 1110 01:27:40,255 --> 01:27:41,299 Why not? 1111 01:27:41,343 --> 01:27:43,301 Because it's not. 1112 01:27:43,345 --> 01:27:46,130 Is Nic back on drugs again? 1113 01:29:29,581 --> 01:29:31,496 All right. 1114 01:31:12,728 --> 01:31:15,121 Come on, Jasper! Whup. 1115 01:31:26,568 --> 01:31:28,570 Yup. 1116 01:31:52,071 --> 01:31:53,159 You got it? 1117 01:31:53,203 --> 01:31:55,292 Oh, fuck. Okay. Hey, Lauren. 1118 01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:58,251 - Lauren, let's go. - What? 1119 01:31:58,295 --> 01:31:59,862 We got to go. 1120 01:32:01,559 --> 01:32:03,474 - What's going on? - Here. 1121 01:32:03,518 --> 01:32:06,172 We got to go. 1122 01:32:06,216 --> 01:32:08,218 Fine. 1123 01:32:21,623 --> 01:32:24,234 I think I just saw Nic. 1124 01:32:24,277 --> 01:32:26,018 What? 1125 01:32:26,062 --> 01:32:29,195 I think I just saw Nic and a girl running away. 1126 01:32:35,941 --> 01:32:37,508 Nic. 1127 01:32:37,552 --> 01:32:38,988 Uh, no. Stay inside. 1128 01:32:39,031 --> 01:32:40,816 - Okay. - No. 1129 01:32:40,859 --> 01:32:44,689 All right, no. Stay inside! I am not kidding, all right? 1130 01:32:44,733 --> 01:32:46,561 Stay there. 1131 01:32:49,651 --> 01:32:51,609 Okay. 1132 01:32:51,653 --> 01:32:54,264 - Shit. - Never again. 1133 01:32:54,307 --> 01:32:56,571 - It's okay. Hey. - What do we do? What do we do? 1134 01:32:56,614 --> 01:32:58,007 It's all right. 1135 01:33:02,968 --> 01:33:05,144 That was so terrible. 1136 01:33:05,188 --> 01:33:08,365 Oh, fuck! 1137 01:33:12,804 --> 01:33:15,198 Nic? Nic? Nic! 1138 01:33:16,895 --> 01:33:18,288 Oh... 1139 01:33:30,430 --> 01:33:32,389 Oh. No. No. No. 1140 01:34:48,508 --> 01:34:51,294 Come on! 1141 01:35:18,756 --> 01:35:21,977 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 1142 01:35:46,044 --> 01:35:47,785 Okay. Okay. 1143 01:35:50,048 --> 01:35:51,789 911. What is your emergency? 1144 01:35:51,833 --> 01:35:53,791 Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f... I'm-I'm with a friend. 1145 01:35:53,835 --> 01:35:55,140 She just O.D.'d, and, uh, 1146 01:35:55,184 --> 01:35:56,794 I need an ambulance, I need some help. 1147 01:35:56,838 --> 01:35:58,187 Sir, do you know CPR? 1148 01:35:58,230 --> 01:35:59,754 Yeah, I'm doing it right now. I just... 1149 01:35:59,797 --> 01:36:01,886 Uh, we... You-you guys, you got to send an ambulance, 1150 01:36:01,930 --> 01:36:04,106 - too, all right? - What is your location? 1151 01:36:04,149 --> 01:36:06,151 Yeah, I don't know. 1152 01:36:06,195 --> 01:36:07,805 Y-You-you guys are gonna have to trace the call. 1153 01:36:07,849 --> 01:36:09,589 Hello? 1154 01:36:09,633 --> 01:36:13,028 Hello? Sir, are you still there? 1155 01:36:13,071 --> 01:36:15,378 Sir? 1156 01:36:18,294 --> 01:36:19,817 Sir? Sir? 1157 01:36:28,739 --> 01:36:31,698 Look up. 1158 01:36:31,742 --> 01:36:33,439 Honey, look up for me. 1159 01:36:34,919 --> 01:36:38,314 Can you look up this way over here? 1160 01:36:38,357 --> 01:36:40,446 Hey, look, we're gonna need to take you to the ER. 1161 01:36:40,490 --> 01:36:41,883 I-I don't... I don't want to. I-I... 1162 01:36:41,926 --> 01:36:43,493 - We need to take you to the ER. - I'm fine. 1163 01:36:43,536 --> 01:36:44,842 She doesn't want to go to the ER. She's... 1164 01:36:44,886 --> 01:36:46,496 She's... No, she's not okay. We need to take her 1165 01:36:46,539 --> 01:36:47,889 - to the ER. - But she doesn't want to go. 1166 01:36:47,932 --> 01:36:49,629 No, sir, she needs to go! 1167 01:36:49,673 --> 01:36:51,327 Okay? 1168 01:36:51,370 --> 01:36:53,851 You have a problem with that, I can inform the police. 1169 01:36:53,895 --> 01:36:55,635 Goddamn it. 1170 01:36:55,679 --> 01:36:59,117 You're gonna come and meet me, right? 1171 01:36:59,161 --> 01:37:00,597 - Yes. Yes! - You promise? 1172 01:37:00,640 --> 01:37:03,034 I love you. 1173 01:37:03,078 --> 01:37:05,515 I love you, too. 1174 01:37:05,558 --> 01:37:07,212 - You promise you're gonna meet me? - Yes, Lauren. 1175 01:37:07,256 --> 01:37:09,301 I'll come fucking meet you. What do you want from me? 1176 01:37:09,345 --> 01:37:12,609 - Okay, okay. - Jesus fucking Christ. 1177 01:37:38,940 --> 01:37:41,333 David Sheff. 1178 01:37:41,377 --> 01:37:43,118 Hey, Dad. It's me. 1179 01:37:45,816 --> 01:37:48,297 - Nic? - Yeah. 1180 01:37:57,567 --> 01:37:59,612 Please don't hate me, Dad. 1181 01:38:01,136 --> 01:38:03,138 I know I did wrong. 1182 01:38:04,879 --> 01:38:06,924 I want to stop, but please, please, please, 1183 01:38:06,968 --> 01:38:08,795 please, please, please no rehab, all right? 1184 01:38:08,839 --> 01:38:11,668 Just let me come home. You know what? 1185 01:38:11,711 --> 01:38:15,498 I realize it's actually I... I-I need to be home. 1186 01:38:15,541 --> 01:38:20,285 You guys, you guys are gonna give me the strength to stop. 1187 01:38:20,329 --> 01:38:22,331 All right? 1188 01:38:25,203 --> 01:38:27,205 That's not going to happen. 1189 01:38:36,475 --> 01:38:39,565 I wish that I could help you, 1190 01:38:39,609 --> 01:38:41,567 but I can't do that. 1191 01:38:41,611 --> 01:38:43,352 I c... I can't. 1192 01:38:43,395 --> 01:38:45,484 Oh, please help me, Dad. 1193 01:38:46,964 --> 01:38:49,184 No, Dad. I just need a little bit of help. 1194 01:38:51,229 --> 01:38:53,318 Please help me. I want to come home. 1195 01:38:53,362 --> 01:38:56,060 All I can tell you is what you already know. 1196 01:38:56,104 --> 01:38:58,541 Dad, why aren't you fucking listening to me? 1197 01:38:58,584 --> 01:39:00,717 - Call your sponsor. - I don't want to talk 1198 01:39:00,760 --> 01:39:02,632 to my sponsor now. I want to talk to you. 1199 01:39:02,675 --> 01:39:04,590 Get help. 1200 01:39:04,634 --> 01:39:06,549 - I love you. - Dad, what... 1201 01:39:06,592 --> 01:39:08,986 And I hope that you get your life together. 1202 01:39:09,030 --> 01:39:10,596 I love you, too. 1203 01:39:10,640 --> 01:39:13,121 I love you. 1204 01:41:41,182 --> 01:41:44,010 - Hello. - Nicolas called. 1205 01:41:44,054 --> 01:41:45,447 He sounds desperate. 1206 01:41:46,752 --> 01:41:48,667 Gonna die if we don't do anything. 1207 01:41:48,711 --> 01:41:50,713 Well... 1208 01:41:50,756 --> 01:41:53,672 he's gonna die even if we do. 1209 01:41:53,716 --> 01:41:56,371 Nothing we do has any effect on him. 1210 01:42:02,333 --> 01:42:03,900 I failed. 1211 01:42:03,943 --> 01:42:05,554 I know you feel ashamed, okay? 1212 01:42:05,597 --> 01:42:08,209 So do I. 1213 01:42:08,252 --> 01:42:10,559 But you have done great, David. 1214 01:42:10,602 --> 01:42:13,518 And Karen, too, so thank you for that. 1215 01:42:13,562 --> 01:42:15,433 You were up for it when I wasn't, 1216 01:42:15,477 --> 01:42:17,348 and I'm not giving up now. 1217 01:42:18,393 --> 01:42:20,221 Never. 1218 01:42:21,918 --> 01:42:24,660 But I can't do it alone. 1219 01:42:27,619 --> 01:42:30,405 I need your help. 1220 01:42:32,668 --> 01:42:35,671 I don't think you can save people, Vicki. 1221 01:42:37,586 --> 01:42:40,980 You can be there for them, can't you? 1222 01:42:44,810 --> 01:42:46,986 Look at this. 1223 01:42:52,122 --> 01:42:54,037 I'm done. 1224 01:42:54,080 --> 01:42:56,257 - Oh. - Okay? I... 1225 01:42:56,300 --> 01:42:59,303 Okay. 1226 01:43:32,945 --> 01:43:34,947 Hey, everybody. 1227 01:43:34,991 --> 01:43:37,689 Time to get together. 1228 01:43:50,180 --> 01:43:54,315 I... I had a rough week. 1229 01:43:56,752 --> 01:43:58,493 Some of you know, some of you don't. 1230 01:43:58,536 --> 01:44:00,190 I, um... 1231 01:44:00,234 --> 01:44:02,279 I lost my Frances this week. 1232 01:44:02,323 --> 01:44:05,456 She died of an overdose on Sunday. 1233 01:44:05,500 --> 01:44:07,589 So... 1234 01:44:07,632 --> 01:44:11,593 I guess I'm in mourning, but I-I... 1235 01:44:11,636 --> 01:44:14,030 I realized something else. 1236 01:44:14,073 --> 01:44:18,121 I've actually been in mourning for years. 1237 01:44:20,210 --> 01:44:22,430 'Cause even when she was alive, she... 1238 01:44:22,473 --> 01:44:24,997 she wasn't there. 1239 01:44:25,041 --> 01:44:29,306 When you mourn the living, 1240 01:44:29,350 --> 01:44:32,222 that's a hard way to live. 1241 01:44:34,224 --> 01:44:36,705 And so, in... 1242 01:44:36,748 --> 01:44:38,968 in a way, it's-it's... 1243 01:44:39,011 --> 01:44:41,100 it's better, I guess. 1244 01:44:45,279 --> 01:44:50,849 She was a dear, dear young woman. 1245 01:44:52,808 --> 01:44:54,984 I always felt... 1246 01:44:55,027 --> 01:44:57,595 I needed to... to stay strong, 1247 01:44:57,639 --> 01:45:01,033 that there'd be some future event, 1248 01:45:01,077 --> 01:45:03,688 and I'd... I'd need all my strength for it. 1249 01:45:07,301 --> 01:45:09,781 But there are no events after this one. 1250 01:45:09,825 --> 01:45:13,350 I hope she's not in pain now. 1251 01:45:20,052 --> 01:45:22,054 Bye, Frances. 1252 01:47:19,171 --> 01:47:21,435 Hey. 1253 01:47:21,478 --> 01:47:23,654 Hi. 1254 01:47:32,924 --> 01:47:34,491 How's he doing? 1255 01:47:34,535 --> 01:47:36,754 The doctor's with him now. 1256 01:47:38,364 --> 01:47:40,149 He said it's close to a miracle 1257 01:47:40,192 --> 01:47:43,152 Nic survived with all the drugs in his body. 1258 01:54:42,876 --> 01:54:44,703 "Either peace or happiness, 1259 01:54:44,747 --> 01:54:46,575 "let it enfold you. 1260 01:54:46,618 --> 01:54:49,578 "When I was a young man, I felt that these things 1261 01:54:49,621 --> 01:54:52,059 "were dumb, unsophisticated. 1262 01:54:52,102 --> 01:54:54,322 "I had bad blood, a twisted mind, 1263 01:54:54,365 --> 01:54:56,454 "a precarious upbringing. 1264 01:54:56,498 --> 01:54:58,108 "I was hard as granite. 1265 01:54:58,152 --> 01:55:00,023 "I leered at the sun. 1266 01:55:00,067 --> 01:55:03,505 "I trusted no man and especially no woman. 1267 01:55:03,548 --> 01:55:05,899 "I was living a hell in small rooms. 1268 01:55:05,942 --> 01:55:07,639 "I broke things, smashed things, 1269 01:55:07,683 --> 01:55:10,251 "walked through glass, cursed. 1270 01:55:10,294 --> 01:55:11,905 "I challenged everything, 1271 01:55:11,948 --> 01:55:14,124 "was continually being evicted, jailed, 1272 01:55:14,168 --> 01:55:16,910 "in and out of fights, in and out of my mind. 1273 01:55:16,953 --> 01:55:19,347 "Women were something to screw and rail at. 1274 01:55:19,390 --> 01:55:21,479 "I had no male friends. 1275 01:55:21,523 --> 01:55:23,612 "I changed jobs and cities. 1276 01:55:23,655 --> 01:55:26,310 "I hated holidays, babies, history, 1277 01:55:26,354 --> 01:55:28,965 "newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 1278 01:55:29,009 --> 01:55:32,012 "marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, 1279 01:55:32,055 --> 01:55:35,929 "English accents, Spain, France, Italy, 1280 01:55:35,972 --> 01:55:38,670 "walnuts and the color orange. 1281 01:55:38,714 --> 01:55:40,542 "Algebra angered me. 1282 01:55:40,585 --> 01:55:42,500 "Opera sickened me. 1283 01:55:42,544 --> 01:55:44,589 "Charlie Chaplin was a fake. 1284 01:55:44,633 --> 01:55:46,765 "And flowers were for pansies. 1285 01:55:46,809 --> 01:55:50,160 "Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority, 1286 01:55:50,204 --> 01:55:52,989 "tenants of the weak and addled mind. 1287 01:55:53,033 --> 01:55:55,600 "But as I went on with my alley fights, 1288 01:55:55,644 --> 01:55:57,167 "my suicidal years, 1289 01:55:57,211 --> 01:55:59,126 "my passage through any number of women, 1290 01:55:59,169 --> 01:56:02,651 "it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different 1291 01:56:02,694 --> 01:56:04,740 "from the others, I was the same. 1292 01:56:04,783 --> 01:56:06,698 "They were all fulsome with hatred, 1293 01:56:06,742 --> 01:56:09,092 "glossed over with petty grievances. 1294 01:56:09,136 --> 01:56:11,747 "The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone. 1295 01:56:11,790 --> 01:56:13,749 "Everybody was nudging, inching, 1296 01:56:13,792 --> 01:56:16,621 "cheating for some insignificant advantage. 1297 01:56:16,665 --> 01:56:19,798 "The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty. 1298 01:56:19,842 --> 01:56:22,062 "Darkness was the dictator. 1299 01:56:22,105 --> 01:56:25,500 "Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. 1300 01:56:25,543 --> 01:56:27,458 "I found moments of peace in cheap rooms 1301 01:56:27,502 --> 01:56:30,505 "just staring at the knobs of some dresser 1302 01:56:30,548 --> 01:56:32,855 "or listening to the rain in the dark. 1303 01:56:32,898 --> 01:56:35,858 "The less I needed, the better I felt. 1304 01:56:35,901 --> 01:56:37,773 "Maybe the other life had worn me down. 1305 01:56:37,816 --> 01:56:39,470 "I no longer found glamour 1306 01:56:39,514 --> 01:56:41,864 "in topping somebody in conversation 1307 01:56:41,907 --> 01:56:45,128 "or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female 1308 01:56:45,172 --> 01:56:47,652 "whose life had slipped away into sorrow. 1309 01:56:47,696 --> 01:56:49,611 "I could never accept life as it was. 1310 01:56:49,654 --> 01:56:52,440 "I could never gobble down all its poisons. 1311 01:56:52,483 --> 01:56:54,746 "But there were parts, tenuous magic parts, 1312 01:56:54,790 --> 01:56:56,748 "open for the asking. 1313 01:56:56,792 --> 01:56:58,315 "I reformulated. 1314 01:56:58,359 --> 01:57:00,361 "I don't know when... date, time, all that... 1315 01:57:00,404 --> 01:57:02,015 "but the change occurred. 1316 01:57:02,058 --> 01:57:05,366 "Something in me relaxed, smoothed out. 1317 01:57:05,409 --> 01:57:07,672 "I no longer had to prove that I was a man. 1318 01:57:07,716 --> 01:57:09,413 "I didn't have to prove anything. 1319 01:57:09,457 --> 01:57:11,198 "I began to see things. 1320 01:57:11,241 --> 01:57:13,939 "Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. 1321 01:57:13,983 --> 01:57:16,420 "Or a dog walking along a sidewalk. 1322 01:57:16,464 --> 01:57:18,379 "Or the way the mouse on my dresser top 1323 01:57:18,422 --> 01:57:20,424 "stopped there, really stopped there, 1324 01:57:20,468 --> 01:57:22,557 "with its body, its ears, its nose. 1325 01:57:22,600 --> 01:57:26,430 "It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself, 1326 01:57:26,474 --> 01:57:30,260 "and its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful. 1327 01:57:30,304 --> 01:57:32,349 "Then it was gone. 1328 01:57:32,393 --> 01:57:34,221 "I began to feel good. 1329 01:57:34,264 --> 01:57:36,745 "I began to feel good in the worst situations, 1330 01:57:36,788 --> 01:57:38,486 "and there were plenty of those. 1331 01:57:38,529 --> 01:57:41,532 "Like, say, the boss behind his desk. 1332 01:57:41,576 --> 01:57:43,665 "He is going to have to fire me. 1333 01:57:43,708 --> 01:57:45,449 "I've missed too many days. 1334 01:57:45,493 --> 01:57:48,757 "He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses. 1335 01:57:48,800 --> 01:57:51,542 "He says, 'I am going to have to let you go.' 1336 01:57:51,586 --> 01:57:53,327 "'It's all right, ' I tell him. 1337 01:57:53,370 --> 01:57:54,806 "He must do what he must do. 1338 01:57:54,850 --> 01:57:56,765 "He has a wife, a house, children, 1339 01:57:56,808 --> 01:57:59,985 "expenses, most probably a girlfriend. 1340 01:58:00,029 --> 01:58:01,465 "I'm sorry for him. 1341 01:58:01,509 --> 01:58:03,119 "He's caught. 1342 01:58:03,163 --> 01:58:04,773 "I walk out into the blazing sunshine. 1343 01:58:04,816 --> 01:58:07,558 "The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow. 1344 01:58:07,602 --> 01:58:10,170 "The whole world is at the throat of the world. 1345 01:58:10,213 --> 01:58:13,129 "Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated. 1346 01:58:13,173 --> 01:58:15,871 "Everybody is despondent, disillusioned. 1347 01:58:15,914 --> 01:58:19,048 "I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness. 1348 01:58:19,092 --> 01:58:21,442 "I embraced that stuff like the hottest number, 1349 01:58:21,485 --> 01:58:24,358 "like high heels, breasts, singing, the works. 1350 01:58:24,401 --> 01:58:25,924 "Don't get me wrong, 1351 01:58:25,968 --> 01:58:27,665 "there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism 1352 01:58:27,709 --> 01:58:29,102 "that overlooks all basic problems 1353 01:58:29,145 --> 01:58:30,581 "just for the sake of itself. 1354 01:58:30,625 --> 01:58:32,844 "This is a shield and a sickness. 1355 01:58:32,888 --> 01:58:34,890 "The knife got near my throat again. 1356 01:58:34,933 --> 01:58:36,805 "I almost turned on the gas again. 1357 01:58:36,848 --> 01:58:38,807 "But when the good moments arrived again, 1358 01:58:38,850 --> 01:58:40,939 "I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary. 1359 01:58:40,983 --> 01:58:43,420 "I let them take me. I luxuriated in them. 1360 01:58:43,464 --> 01:58:45,248 "I bade them welcome home. 1361 01:58:45,292 --> 01:58:46,902 "I even looked into the mirror once 1362 01:58:46,945 --> 01:58:49,948 "having thought myself to be ugly. 1363 01:58:49,992 --> 01:58:51,994 "I now liked what I saw. 1364 01:58:52,037 --> 01:58:53,691 "Almost handsome. 1365 01:58:53,735 --> 01:58:55,911 "Yes, a bit ripped and ragged. 1366 01:58:55,954 --> 01:58:58,087 "Scars, lumps, odd turns. 1367 01:58:58,131 --> 01:59:00,176 "But all in all, not too bad. 1368 01:59:00,220 --> 01:59:02,047 "Almost handsome. 1369 01:59:02,091 --> 01:59:04,137 "Better at least than some of those movie star faces 1370 01:59:04,180 --> 01:59:05,877 "like the cheeks of a baby's butt. 1371 01:59:05,921 --> 01:59:07,401 "And finally I discovered 1372 01:59:07,444 --> 01:59:09,751 "real feelings for others, unheralded. 1373 01:59:09,794 --> 01:59:11,622 "Like lately, like this morning, 1374 01:59:11,666 --> 01:59:15,148 "as I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed, 1375 01:59:15,191 --> 01:59:17,019 "just the shape of her head there, 1376 01:59:17,062 --> 01:59:20,631 "covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there. 1377 01:59:20,675 --> 01:59:23,068 "Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead 1378 01:59:23,112 --> 01:59:24,896 "and the dying, the pyramids, 1379 01:59:24,940 --> 01:59:27,421 "Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room, 1380 01:59:27,464 --> 01:59:29,205 "weeds growing, the Earth turning, 1381 01:59:29,249 --> 01:59:31,338 "the tote board waiting for me. 1382 01:59:31,381 --> 01:59:33,122 "I saw the shape of my wife's head, 1383 01:59:33,166 --> 01:59:34,558 "she so still. 1384 01:59:34,602 --> 01:59:36,081 "I ached for her life, 1385 01:59:36,125 --> 01:59:37,779 "just being there under the covers. 1386 01:59:37,822 --> 01:59:39,346 "I kissed her on the forehead, 1387 01:59:39,389 --> 01:59:41,130 "got down the stairway, got outside, 1388 01:59:41,174 --> 01:59:43,611 "got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt, 1389 01:59:43,654 --> 01:59:45,090 "backed out the drive. 1390 01:59:45,134 --> 01:59:46,918 "Feeling warm to the fingertips, 1391 01:59:46,962 --> 01:59:49,747 "down to my foot on the gas pedal, 1392 01:59:49,791 --> 01:59:51,706 "I entered the world once more, 1393 01:59:51,749 --> 01:59:53,795 "drove down the hill past the houses 1394 01:59:53,838 --> 01:59:55,623 "full and empty of people. 1395 01:59:55,666 --> 01:59:58,103 "I saw the mailman, honked. 1396 01:59:58,147 --> 02:00:00,541 He waved back at me."