(Morrie) My father left me this house.
And the mortgage, when I was 18.
Along with his first edition of Audubon Birds of America,
a dying mother,
a 12-year-old sister and a 7-year-old brother.
And fairly serious bowel issues.
I didn't do a great job raising my little brother and sister,
Most people would agree at least one of them was unstable,
possibly insane, unless you asked the other one,
who can't be considered reliable.
(Betty) Dinner's ready!
Any luck?
However you look at it, life is an awful lot of... shit !
[gentle thunder]
[Approaching roar]
[Phone rings]
Hello?
What time is it?
I'm sorry. What?
Did...?
[Cell phone rings]
Mm!
Ida Csonka Photography.
(Morrie) Hey sis, it's me.
Hey! How's it going?
Listen, Jay... well, I don't want you to worry,
well, he was beat up and hospitalized.
N uh uh.
Then he was slightly, he's fine, run over but he's totally fine.
Oh, oh.
I'll keep you posted.
Good luck with the job and don't eat while you're driving.
And no more hitchhikers, right?
Hey. You okay?
That's good.
What about your classes, honey?
You can't just take off.
Can you call the school or Paul?
It's just not great timing.
Have I ever missed a class in seven years?
No, [kiss] Why do you always have to deal, huh?
Why can't Ida deal with something for once?
Ida is nowhere near here. She's on her way to a shoot, a paid one.
A paid shoot, that would be a slight change.
So are you gonna be long?
I'll call you when I know what's happening.
Okay, drive carefully.
[Soft music]
[Horn honks]
Well, bye.
Thanks a lot.
No, thank you!
Don't you want to get settled?
I don't live here.
You moved?
About a month ago.
Then what...?
Are you doing drugs again?
I told you, Morrie, I no longer try to heighten
or dull my senses artificially. I'm really a new person.
And where exactly does this new person live?
(Jay) This is where I sleep.
I gathered leaves for the mattress.
You wouldn't believe how comfortable it is.
(Morrie) What are you eating?
The future is in the ground.
I've planted seeds.
I wanna live clean. I'm not a burden out here.
Burden?
Hear the birds? I sit,
I see snakes.
There's a beaver.
Can you believe that, Morrie? A beaverl
I'm good, Morrie.
What? Were you afraid to call again for cash?
No. I want to try having less.
See what my life would be like without all the...
stuff, the noise.
Where is your stuff?
I gave everything away.
Everything?
Every last thing.
U h-huh.
Not Dad's first edition of Audubon Birds of America?
Not your card collection?
What if you took a break and stayed with us for a bit?
Please?
Oh! N ice lunch break. Do you need a hand?
No, thank you! I'm okay.
How's the little one today?
Sleeping, thank goodness. It was a rough night.
Take a nap. I'll watch him.
Oh, once I finish with this disaster.
U m, hey, Paul said Morrie wasn't in school.
Is there an emergency?
Yes! Well, what else would keep Mr. Dedication out of school, right?
Everything okay?
Well, yeah, no, Jay had an accident.
It wasn't his fault.
Got clipped by a car.
[Gasp] Oh my gosh! No!
He's gonna be okay. Morrie's gonna bring him home for dinner.
Oh, is only Jay coming home?
Of course.
Paul loves you guys, it's just that...
I know. And I agree.
What is it with Morrie's family and accidents?
[Baby cries]
Oh, duty calls.
I'll see you in a little while.
Yep.
[Soft chimes]
[Door opens and closes]
Hey! [Sighs]
Hi, Jay.
Oh my gosh.
Well,
you must be famished.
No, not especially.
Well, this is nice.
Did you want to change before we...
No.
Okay.
Alright. I am gonna fix you some...
Is that meat meat or is that soy meat?
Soy meat?
Are you a vegetarian?
A vegan.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Oh, that's okay. Jay can have a Caesar Salad
and some garlic bread.
I'm a... I'm a vegan.
No animal products.
You go ahead.
Not even cheese or butter?
Milk is for calves...
to suckle.
Honey, why don't you sit down and I'll find something.
How... about... some... oatmeal?
Great. Can't have oatmeal for dinner.
Why not?
We'll get some veggie stuff. We'll stock up.
Stock up?
Okay.
Well, this is nice, isn't it?
[Soft music]
(Morrie) Paul and Laura got a dog...
Shh!
That relieves itself on our lawn many times a day.
(Betty) That's okay, that's okay.
That's okay.
Did you say anything?
(Morrie) We can't.
We can't do anything. We'd like to, really, not yet.
(Morrie) Paul is one of the faculty members
who recommended me for tenure.
And he's on the board of regents
and he golfs with the provost.
And I need his support.
No, that's not what you need.
I'm gonna get those dishes done.
Your room's all ready for you, Jay.
I left clean towels on the bed.
I think I'm gonna stay in the attic.
Why? There's nothing up there.
The cot still up there?
Oh Jay, you might as well sleep on the ground.
I really think you'd be more comfortable in your room.
I'd like to stay in the attic.
Okay. I'll give it a quick sweep.
You know what I really don't want to find?
My little brother swinging from a rafter in the attic.
I already told you, Morrie.
Just because I was laying in the road doesn't mean I was trying to...
Did you fall down?
Did you pass out?
Were you trying to...
Feel.
(male anchor) His five-year-old daughter was
sexually assaulted last week is asking other parents
to make sure their children use the buddy system...
Coming up, tips from our medical expert Dr. Emily Copenose.
[Stomach growls]
The most beautiful thing in your life...
Emily's a nice name, don't you think?
How about Copenose?
[Floorboards creak]
You okay?
What's going on? He alright?
Jay?
I called Ida and she said
she's gonna come to stay with us for a bit.
[Female voice] Hello? Good morning! [knocking]
Isn't that great?
Hi!
Hi! How are you? A little angel!
He a good little boy!
Hi, Laura!
Hi Morrie, how's it going?
Mm.
How's Jay?
Mm.
Better than ever.
Oh! Hi! Welcome home!
It's so nice to see you.
Really?
Well, yeah, really! Hey, you wanna meet my little guy?
Here. Say hi. Hi, Jay.
Is he okay?
Yeah, why?
His head is misshapen.
Oh.
Is that a condition?
Okay.
(Betty) He had a little accident.
What the hell are you doing?
Are you trying to sabotage me?
The truth can set you free.
No, tenure can set me free.
(Betty) We're not even sure he can see properly.
To take a sabbatical or a vacation for the first time in seven years.
See you later.
Ooh. [Sigh] We're gonna be late!
Do me a favor. You know the pin number.
Go buy yourself some clothes,
or some soy nuts or mashed fish oil.
[Gentle scraping]
[Gentle trickling and beeping]
[Whirring]
Acceleration, as we know, refers to the change in velocity over time.
As I unit of acceleration is meters per second squared or...
[click of chalk on blackboard]
Since the average speed of an object is determined
by dividing the distance the object travels by the...
we are out of time.
[Birds chirping gaily]
Hey, buddy. You're still here?
Yeah. Grant application.
I spoke to Laura at lunch.
She told me Jay is not doing too well. You poor guy.
Yeah. Thanks.
How you do it. Some kind of brain injury?
Well, I don't know about that,
but something seems to be... awry.
I think he was very insulting to Laura today.
No!
We don't have to have dinner.
No! I mean, I wouldn't care but Laura...
Of course.
Maybe Jay could just...
Sure, he wouldn't want to come.
I mean, he'd be fine not coming.
Great.
You are really something. Heroic. I mean it.
I mean it, I do.
I mean, Jay's always been kinda...
Well, he was just a little kid when Dad died.
Yeah.
And Mom. Right away.
That's true, and these things can be in the genes.
[Clicks tongue]
"Anyhoo", you must be doing something right.
You're looking awful damn good for someone so beleaguered.
I'll see you laterl
[cell phone rings]
Ida Csonka Photography.
(Morrie) Hi therel
Hey Morrie, what's up?
Okay if we postponed your visit a bit?
Why?
Well, I just don't think this is the ideal time
for you to come home.
[Pop music over car radio]
What's wrong?
Nothing. I just thought that you were one of two people
who actually wanted me to come home.
Of course. I always want you to come home.
I know.
I'm glad you understand.
Jay's gonna be here a while, at least a month.
I would like to accommodate you, I really would,
there's just one problem.
What's that?
[Car honks]
[Betty gasps loudly]
[Birds chirp gaily]
(Morrie) Hey !
Oh my god. Are you alright? You look terrible.
So do you.
I do?
No, you don't.
You look tired.
No, she doesn't.
Well, I haven't slept all night.
Still eating yourself?
I wish.
You look beautiful.
I do?
Gosh, Ida, it's been ages, you look great.
I do?
Hey, Ida.
Hi, Betty.
How are you?
I'm fine, how are you?
Oh! I'm fine, how are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Okay.
[Birds chirp and clock chimes softly]
(Ida) It's so weird being back here.
Because of Gary?
(Betty) Ida, your room is all ready.
There's fresh towels on the bed.
I'm gonna stay in the basement, if that's okay.
It's out of control.
I don't mind. [Phone rings]
It's too bizarre staying in my old room.
Hello? Hi, Nancy.
Well, we just sat down to dinner, but what's up?
Why is it bizarre?
I don't know.
Isn't it weird sleeping in Mom and Dad's room?
Really? That is strange.
I'll call you back when we're done. Thanks, Nancy. Sorry.
That was Nancy Kennedy on the phone.
Jay, she says you gave her something today on Brock Street?
Nancy Kennedy? Is she...
the blonde with the false chest?
I mplants?
I think so.
I wondered about that.
I don't remember Nancy.
The blonde with the false chest?
Anyway. She said Jay gave her 20 dollars.
She said you gave a lot of people 20 dollars.
Is 25 a lot of people?
You gave 25 people 20 dollars?
I hope...
I know that's not the 500 dollars I gave you.
Honey, why did you do that?
[Sighs]
Another bill for the washer-dryer came today.
Okay.
There's a lot of bills piling up.
Okay.
Have your new washer and dryer made you happy?
Yes, Jay, they have.
Would you like to know why?
I would.
Because now,
I don't have to spend twenty minutes in the morning
before I go to work at the bank
scraping soap particles and residue off Morrie's and my clothes.
Because now I have a washing machine
that doesn't bump, or quake or travel halfway across the basement
when you put more than three items in one load.
(Ida) I remember that. It was, like, possessed.
Because now I have a dryer,
which is just that. A dryer.
A device that removes
significant amounts of moisture from clothing,
and renders them completely - not just partially - dry.
So, yes, my new washer and dryer have made me very happy.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Morrie's always helped you, hasn't he, Ida?
Every time you've called, every six months or so.
I will pay him back eventually.
You can pay him back now.
Leave tomorrow, Ida. Please. First thing.
Did you just say that to me?
I know, and I'm sorry. But I know you understand.
How many years have you guys been tiptoeing around Paul and Laura?
Is this my parents' creme de menthe?
I don't know. It was there when Morrie and I started dating.
Morrie's a great teacher.
Paul is not gonna punish him just because I came to see Jay.
Is that the only reason you came? I mean, Ida, please.
Just please stay away from Gary's for the next couple of weeks.
He's really been doing well.
He's finally back up on...
his feet. You mean, back on his feet?
You were gonna say back on his feet.
It has been two years, you never even called him.
If you mess with Gary now, if you mess with Gary's engagement,
Paul's already furious with Morrie. That would just be it for us.
Engagement?
Oh, sweetie. Oh, surely you heard?
Gary is marrying Ellen Thomas.
[Soft music]
[Loud rock music]
[Loud female laughter]
(Ida) Thank you for the smooth ride, officer.
[Sigh] What are you doing here?
Who is that?
Will.
Will who?
Actually, I think it was Phil.
It was Phil. It was a Phil.
Sex. You should try it, it's fun.
You know what they say, Morrie?
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Loosen your belt a bit. Your robe. Loosen your robe.
You don't wanna see that.
I've seen it, but that's not what I meant.
You've seen it. When did you see it?
Jay and I used to look out the window when you'd sneak out back,
and you'd go behind the bush and, you know?
You need to think about your behavior. It isn't safe.
You could get tenure tomorrow,
after seven years of inhaling Paul and Laura's farts,
and get hit by a meteor.
Life is short.
Life isn't that short.
The average life span of a male in North America is 70.
What's the average life span of this family?
I've chosen to plan for my future.
As for fun, you and Jay can keep living it up in ravines,
and pretending to be artists and photographers.
I am a photographer.
You look exhausted.
Well, I just haven't been sleeping. [Sighs]
Anyway. [clears throat] Sorry about what I insinuated.
I'm sure that you and Betty have a wonderful sex life.
We do have it.
I'm worried about Jay.
How do you get run over without breaking a bone?
Carefully.
I don't want to have to, but he could hurt himself or someone else.
Well, but commit him?
He's not mentally ill.
He's, he's emotionally ill.
No, not ill. He's disconnected.
Sometimes these things run in families.
Except, Dad was not crazy. Dad had an accident
and Dad was eccentric and so is Jay.
Dad was more than eccentric.
(male voice sings) # It's the story
# Of faded glory #
# Life is made up of all that you lose ##
Go to sleep.
Yes, Dad.
Ida?
(female voice from video) I find brains attractive
and the only muscle that counts,
is this one.
[Moaning]
[Moans]
[Female's hard breathing]
[Click]
Oh! [Laughs]
[Gasps]
Oh Lord!
I was watching pornography.
[Door opens]
(Ida) That was pretty funny, huh? Lord I
What's going on?
My clothes are in the wash.
You were gettin' kind of ripe.
Why were you lying down on the road?
You depressed?
Like wanting to kill yourself depressed?
No.
Sure?
When you're little,
you're clean.
There's electricity in your fingertips.
And then, you, you steel up,
and pour shit inside and...
buy things and God stockpiled us,
already.
I just don't want to wake up and turn into that.
Morrie?
We all have to take care of him.
He's so fucking fragile.
Hey, do you think you need to be on something?
Honey, if you're gonna live totally outside the lines,
all the people moving on the inside of them
are gonna flatten you.
I think you are a genius,
but you gotta lighten up.
[Kiss]
Oh,
Sunday's my birthday.
(Dave) Hey, you still here?
It would appear so.
So, you got yourself a full house now.
Yeah. She came in to see Jay.
You poor guy. I heard her roll in last night around 3.
Sorry.
You, I feel bad for.
How old is she now?
She's gonna be, wow, 32.
Phil Anderson can't be more than 22, 23.
So I guess you'll want to cancel dinner Sunday night.
No, no. Of course...
Ida won't be there.
You do what you want, kiddo.
You're my best friend. I just, uh, I love you.
I love you, too.
I can't imagine she'd have the gall to contact my brother.
No way.
I know you'll see that that doesn't happen but...
having to still be the grownup all the time.
[Growl]
That you? Let that genie out of the bottle, big guy.
God damn it to hell!
(Betty) Honey I It's okay. It's okay I
That's twice today already.
We'll take care of it after dinner. Now, let's go.
(Morrie) I thought you were going to change clothes.
I washed these.
So, the weekend?
Yes. So, guys, Betty and I,
would like to treat both of you to dinner Sunday night at Shitake.
Yum. What's the occasion?
Paul and Laura are coming over.
So, you want us to clear out.
It's been set up for a month. We have to do it.
You don't mind, do you?
Mm. I don't have to clean up their shit.
Stop moving your foot.
[Female voice over TV] She was the fifth child accosted in a month.
Police are asking anyone with information to contact authorities,
as the suspect is still at large.
(Betty) Maybe we don't have to wait for tenure.
Maybe we should just start trying?
Sometimes it takes a long time.
We have to wait for tenure.
[Soft music]
[Alarm goes off]
Honey. Good morning.
Good morning. Hi. Time to get up.
Isn't it Sunday?
I know. We have so much to do.
They're gonna be here at 6: 30 and...
we have to marinate and clean the garden
and I think some of the stuff, where we've hung it,
is just not in the right place.
Maybe we should just switch it around in the living room?
But I'm not sure if I have the right nails.
The ones that don't make the bad holes.
[Soft music]
Honey?
Can we redo this someday?
I like it.
It's just so obviously old.
[Sigh]
Yeah.
How's a hundred dollars?
That's too much.
I want you to have a nice dinner.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye, sweetie.
No, oh! No. Ah! Have fun!
[Clock chimes softly]
[Door opens and closes]
Ah. Oh.
[Chirping]
You cannot tell Morrie,
but did you know
that he was born with a little teeny, tiny vestigial tail?
He was not.
Ah, Mom told me.
It happens once in a while.
It was an inch and a half long.
She swore to me!
She did. She swore it to me.
They had to have it removed surgically.
Too bad he didn't keep it.
At least we would have known when he was happy.
So I look over and the kid is covered head to toe in strained carrots.
Ten seconds I didn't have my eye on him.
Can I top you off there, young lady?
I don't want to get Brandon drunk.
No.
These are so good!
Thank you! It's real limes.
Maybe just a little more. It shouldn't hurt.
Time to light the eternal flame.
(Gillian) Hello? Anyone here?
Hi. Can I help you?
Yeah, I need to find Jay. Is he here?
Sweetie, Jay isn't here right now.
Pop around tomorrow. We'll give him a message.
Who should I say?
His wife.
But I can't pop around tomorrow.
I hitched from the city,
and I need to see him tonight. It's important.
Well, I'm sure whatever it is could wait.
You don't understand.
The cops are looking for him.
They want his DNA.
That's absurd. Why would they want that?
They said he got arrested last week for touching a little girl.
(Laura) Let's go.
Oh my.
Okay.
She is not staying here.
We don't need to put Jay in an institution. This is an institution.
She'll just stay here until we talk to Jay and clear things up.
Whoa, clear what? We're fucked! We're totally fucking fucked!
How many years have we been kissing their asses, and for what?
Did you see their faces as they ran for cover?
We're pariahs. We're totally fucked. Fucking pariahs.
Okay, the big issue right now is Jay.
No! The issue is me, for once. It's me.
I don't even know how many eggs I have left.
Eggs? Oh.
Oh, God. It's the last thing on your mind.
Calm down.
No, I'm not calming down.
I am going to Nancy Kennedy's,
and I do not want you to try to stop me so shut up.
Are you...
Shut up! I'm taking the car!
I don't think he's in there.
Is she...
in there? That is the question.
I think it's safe to go home. Now.
Hey,
do you ever wonder if Paul bought the house next to ours
'cause he has a thing for Morrie?
(Morrie) Here.
Thank you.
So, how long have you and Jay been married?
Six months and three days.
It's not going so great, though.
Well, all marriages have their difficulties.
He stopped having sex a couple months ago.
He said "All desire leads to suffering."
Then he stopped talking. Only wrote notes.
And then he gave that up and moved to the ravine.
Well, maybe not the same difficulties.
I really, really miss him.
I'm pretty sure he never molested that kid.
(Morrie) It's late. Where were you?
(Ida) It's eleven. What's wrong?
Your wife is here.
(Ida) Wife?
She said you're under suspicion for sexual assault of a child.
Where's Gillian?
Passed out in your old room. Did you know they want your DNA?
It's gotta be a mix up. Jay? Jay?
What's going on?
Hey! Come back here, young man.
We have to sort this out, honey.
You come back down here this instant.
[Door closes]
Wife?
He has completely...
What are we supposed to do?
We have to call the cops. We have to find his old shrink.
I can't take another situation in this family.
Oh, we're back at Dad's accident again.
You cannot fall out of that window.
It was snowing.
Snow doesn't suck people out of windows.
He was trying to fix something.
What needed to be fixed?
No, he had a leak! He had leaks.
He was trying to shoo a bat out the window.
He jumped!
On his head.
No. He would never have wanted us to see him like that.
He wasn't thinking. He had shut down.
You'd know more than...
Me?
Any of us.
You meant me.
[Voices]
I wish they were here.
Go to bed. It's late.
Yes, Dad.
No, don't. I was Dad. So don't say that.
I know.
You think I wanted...
No. I know you didn't want to take care of us.
It's not that.
Yes, it is, Morrie. It is that. That is the thing.
So say it. Say the truth for once.
It's not gonna blow the world to smithereens.
You don't have that kind of power.
Goodnight. I love you.
Morrie?
What?
Look what I found in Jay's wallet.
It's a baseball card.
He didn't give everything away.
Somewhere in there he's still Jay.
He's still connected.
What are we doing?
U h, we just remembered that today is my birthday,
and as a special birthday gift to me,
I was hoping that you guys would smoke this joint with me.
Okay.
The condensed version of Manifest Destiny.
Paul and Laura gave that to us.
What could we give them?
(all) Gonorrhea.
You know whatever happens we're still going to love you.
We need a birthday toast.
I'm gonna go see what we have.
You know, it's funny.
My wife is gone,
and your wife is upstairs sleeping.
I mean, not "ha ha" funny.
[Exhales]
[Inhales]
(Ida) Those Dad's?
Time to kill this fucker.
I can't believe you have a wife.
When were you gonna tell us?
There's nothing to tell, really.
She wanted to get married so I married her.
She seems nice.
She is nice.
But she's kind of dopey.
Don't say that about your wife.
It's true.
Mm, But, sometimes,
sometimes kindness is wiser than truth.
Khalil Gibran.
Columbo.
[Laughter]
Lieutenant Columbo?
I don't know why, I always remembered that line.
To Ida.
Happy birthday, sis.
[Mfft]
[Whizzing]
It has been months...
since I've had a bowel movement.
That's a true story.
[Laughter]
[Rummaging]
Hey. Where you going?
Going to see my woman, bring her home.
Morrie,
maybe Dad was sad 'cause Mom was sick.
Since when have you had trouble sleeping?
Two years ago.
Oh.
No, not that.
No, before. When I left.
You're not going to see him?
Jesus you can't wait a month? I'll have tenure then.
Gary will be married.
Are you serious?
Settling down here was too dull for you.
Life with Gary now would be less fun than it was two years ago.
Fun isn't fun anymore.
Shh!
How long are you going to let Paul give you purple nurples?
You remember that? You remember the bruises?
It's like having sex with The Mummy.
Ahh!
Pooks, did you miss me?
Mm.
What? I thought we were going to be honest with each other?
[Toy squeaking]
[Girl screams]
(Betty) Hey, are you okay?
I'll get your mom. It's just Mr. Csonka...
come to... say hi.
What are you doing? Why are you wet?
I guess the Morrisons got an automatic sprinkler system.
Go home before somebody sees you.
I need to talk to you.
Not... not now.
I need to talk to you.
I want you to come home.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Okay.
I don't wanna wait anymore.
Let's start our family.
I don't care if you get tenure or not.
I thought we agreed that we needed
a more stable and secure environment before we embarked on all of that.
I'm doing all of this for you.
I know.
But I just want to be a mom.
Oh, God. This hasn't all been an excuse, has it?
Don't you want to have children with me?
Yes. Of course I do. It's not that. I'm just...
I'm a...
We can manage.
No, it's not that. It's...
everything. My father and Jay.
I just wish there was some kind of prenatal screening.
But you can't screen for what happens in this family.
No, you can't.
Maybe you're not ready.
Maybe you should go off and have...
your insane youth, 'cause you never got to have it.
Well, I never thought of that.
You should.
Okay.
Well, you'll let me know.
Honey?
No, just...
let me know when you're ready.
L... I said okay. Can you just wait?
I've been waiting.
No, don't get up.
Do you wanna come in?
Mm-hm.
[Music]
[Music stops]
You took down the photos I did.
You look good.
You do.
You look really good.
How's your brother?
Jay?
Yeah, I heard he was cracking up a bit.
Yeah.
Who isn't cracking up a bit? I know I am.
So, listen. There's something I have to tell you.
Don't worry about it.
Ye- no. Please.
It's important. U m,
a couple months after I left, l...
uh, I realized I shouldn't have.
I mean, I was thinking about coming back...
and, uh, I was just about to call...
and then I was afraid to come back 'cause I thought that you'd think that,
that I was just coming back because of that.
Out of, like, guilt or pity or something.
And I thought, I thought you'd hate that.
The thing is, I thought for sure you'd come back after.
Every time the door to my room would open I,
I always expected it to be you.
I know. I know. I should have.
I wish I had.
I was really looking forward to telling you to fuck off.
Oh... Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
Anyway.
It's okay. It's okay. Hey. Sh, sh, sh. It's okay.
Oh.
Hey. Sh sh sh. Hey.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Do you hate me?
Hey. Hey.
Fuck!
Keys? Did you see my keys?
Don't leave. I need your help.
I don't need your help. I don't know what I'm saying.
Don't leave.
Coming through!
Good morning. Thanks for waiting. Sorry.
Okay. For every action,
there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Yeah.
Well, look who finally made it.
Rough morning. Car trouble.
So, a couple things.
First...
we felt, I'm sorry, we had to alert the authorities...
as to Jay's whereabouts. Just in case.
Sure.
Someone has to protect the innocent and vulnerable.
Second, do you know where your little sister was this morning?
I'm pretty sure she was at Gary's.
I drove by on my way in and I saw her car parked in front.
I would've stopped but I didn't want to be late.
My lateness this morning was unavoidable.
I'm just...
It won't happen again.
Your lateness is secondary.
What do you want me to say, Paul?
You said you would ensure that Ida stayed away from my brother.
I'm just disappointed. I trusted you. We're friends.
I could consider you my best friend. I don't know what you think.
You didn't deliver and that says something about your character.
I'm sorry, but I can't control Ida.
She's an adult and so is Gary,
and even if Ida went over there, I'm sure he could handle it.
No, he can't. Okay? She's poison to him.
She's already smashed his life to shit once.
Okay, I'm getting a little tired
of Ida being blamed for what happened to Gary.
Oh, you are?
Yeah. Gary chose to get hammered...
and drive his car 100 miles an hour.
How is that Ida's fault?
He wouldn't have done it if she hadn't taken off on him
like some wanton slut.
Okay, don't... don't talk about my little sister that way.
Come on, you know it's true.
Ida's always been a total tramp.
What Ida does says nothing about my character.
What Gary does says nothing about Ida's character.
There is such a thing in America as personal responsibility.
You know what?
Ow!
Take it back. Take it all back.
Ow!
Is that what you like?
Ow, ow! Fine! I take it back! Ah!
You're fuckin' psychotic, pal.
Just like the rest of your sicko family.
Yes, but we're nicer than you.
What the fuck!
Someone has to protect the vulnerable and the innocent!
[Gay chatter]
(Ida) Hey.
Hi, Ida. How are you?
Ellen, I'm sorry. I must have nodded off a bit.
No worries.
Would you like some coffee? Are you hungry?
No, I have to run.
Are you sure?
Well, it's nice to see you. You look good.
Thanks. Congratulations.
Oh! Thank you, thanks.
And you too. I heard you're a big photographer now.
No, no. Not really.
I heard that, too.
Oh. I've been exaggerating to Morrie about some stuff.
Oh, yeah?
I still take photos...
and I exhibit here and there, but to pay the bills...
I survive doing glamor shots of transvestites.
[Chuckles]
Seriously?
I did one for a friend, and word spread, so...
Well, that's alright.
Yeah, it sounds interesting.
Anyway, I should go.
Oh, wait. I have something for you.
If we'd have known you were gonna be in town,
we would have sent it earlier.
I really hope you can make it.
It's so nice of you to offer.
I think I'm gonna be gone by then.
Anyway, I don't think Paul and Laura would approve.
Well, it isn't Paul and Laura's wedding, is it?
So, tough shit for them.
Right, baby?
Exactly right.
I really have to run.
U h-oh, Spaghetti-o's.
Jay! No!
[Knocking]
Jay!
Hey!
[Scoffs] No! Please, God!
No! Go around! Go around!
(female voice) Well, I didn't want to do that.
I mean, sometimes I like to, but...
I don't want him to check.
You know, I could watch, maybe, but it didn't seem like...
I, I'm gonna have to call you back.
[Bird chirps loudly]
(officer) Okay! Good! Don't move!
(Ida) He's not moving. Please put the gun down.
Ida?
Will?
It's Phil. How you doin'?
I had a great time the other night.
Would you mind terribly calling us an ambulance, please? Phil.
[Phone rings]
(male recorded voice) Hi, if you have a message
for Joe, or Nancy or Misha Kennedy,
leave it at the... [beep]
(Morrie) Honey, it's me.
Okay, I had it. My insane youth.
I hated it.
Please come home.
Foot.
(Morrie) So, what did they say?
Put ice on it.
You have to keep it clean.
No, what did the police say?
They asked me some questions.
They took a DNA swab.
They're doing everybody,
it's not just me.
Then why did you run?
Habit?
Everybody and their grandmother
weren't arrested last week for...
Why don't you tell us what happened?
I touched a little girl.
I had this idea that I was gonna touch people.
I did touch people.
(female voice) What the hell are you...?
The cops came.
I went to the hospital. They gave me stitches.
But because Momma Bear gave me such a concussion,
I had to stay up all night.
So, in the morning I went for a walk,
and that's when I laid down.
And you were really out of it.
I'm relieved that you're not a child molester
but you can't just go around touching people?
People need to be jolted.
No, people need to be comforted.
You don't comfort them by satisfying your own curiosity about...
breaking down boundaries and rules. Some people really like their rules.
They've chosen them.
And you don't get to choose what rules other people obey or not. They do.
You see? This is what I mean.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
They are breaking my rules. They are breaking my boundaries!
And you... you are just like them, Jay.
You are a terrorist and I am sick of everyonel
Agh!
Are you okay?
Morrie?
No...
[Morrie grunts]
(Jay) Let it gol Morrie, let it gol
[screaming, laughing, cheering]
Please. Please.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
What is it?
Oh! Ew! [Chuckles]
Morrie did that.
Excuse me?
Morrie just...
did that on my lawn.
What?
Morrie just shat on my lawn.
No.
Yes. And he attacked Paul at school today. He went cra-crazy.
He did?
He's sick, honey,
and now, I, I don't blame you but
someone needs to clean that up.
I need you or Morrie to clean that up. Please.
I n the next ten minutes. I, I just can't. Oh.
Fuck off, Laura.
What?
You clean it up.
[Gasp] Oh no!
Why?
[Soft music]
How is it?
Perfect.
[Soft music]