This programme contains very strong language from the start.
RADIO: # Away in a manger...#
First, we're going to add some organic fresh eggs instead of flour,
because flour is for poor people. Hmm.
Then we're going to just gently mix together our ingredients
and then just...
..spit into the bowl.
Oh, you spit in it. Oh, OK.
And you really just want to, like...
Thanks, Nigel.
MUSIC: Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney
Happy Pancake Day! Hey. What?
MUSIC STOPS
Happy Pancake Day. What? Pancake Day. OK.
Happy Pancake Day! It's 4am, shut the fuck up! Yeah, you too.
Happy Pancake Day.
MUSIC: L'amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle by Georges Bizet
GHOSTLY VOICES: Learn to cook. Learn to cook.
Well, if that's what you think, why do I bother?
It's typical.
No, I want to speak to your manager.
Don't raise your voice at me. You've lost a customer.
WHISPERS: Son, wake up.
Son. Son, wake up.
You all right, Dad?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good, thanks. I just wanted to ask your advice.
Yeah, no worries. What with?
Well, you remember the other day when we were at the sperm clinic?
Yeah, when you jizzed into the cup? Yeah, that's right, son.
When I was fiddling away down there,
I kind of happened to notice something odd with my...
..balls.
One of them is, like, bigger than the other.
Oh, my God! What, like Penn and Teller? Penn and Teller, exactly.
But...but it's growing.
Oh, my God. What if I've only got a matter of months left? Or weeks?
Days? Oh, God, what do we do?
Thing, is all we're going to do is just appreciate every moment. OK?
Promise me, yeah? Agreed. Agreed? Just don't...
THEY SOB
I don't know what we're going to do, really...
MUSIC: Wonderful Life by Black
# Here I go out to sea again
# Sunshine fills my head... #
Dave...
ALARM BEEPS
Dave, the baby's ready. Dave?
# Gulls in the sky
# And in my blue eyes... #
Dave? Chi! God. How did you get here?
I walked. Are these presents for Pancake Day? What?
No, I'm working. It's Pancake Day, you can't just work.
Well, the thing is, I kind of have to.
No, it's a family time, you know?
I'd like to be with Mum and Dad, but don't worry,
we can do presents after I've cooked.
Yeah, but...
So, why now, then? It's Pancake Day. Already?
God, that's come round quick. Yeah, I just thought, you know,
we'd celebrate it all together.
Oh. That sounds nice, doesn't it, Dad? Yeah.
Oh, no, no, what are you doing here?
Oh, you're up. God, you love a lie-in, don't you?
It's my one day a week I get off. This is you, isn't it? What?
You and your lanky fingers beckoning her over here.
"Come over, Chi, let's ruin Karen's day."
I just thought you'd want us all to be together today, that's all. No!
What, you want to be by yourself on Pancake Day?
Me and Lucas have taken the whole day off work.
No-one takes a whole day off for Pancake Day.
Well, Clare from your work did last year, don't you remember?
Yeah, I do remember, because Clare got hit by a car,
not because it was Pancake Day.
Yeah, if anyone knows you need to bottle and cherish these moments,
then it's Flat Clare. Yeah, bless her.
DOORBELL RINGS
Who's that? Who is that?
It's just Gary, don't worry about it. Is it Paedophile Gary?
Oh, what, Paedophile Gary? Amazing! What?
Oh. Just gets better, doesn't it?
Oh. Hey! Hello, everyone! Welcome!
Everything OK? Chi asked me to come here soon as I could.
What's...? Yeah, I just thought you could join us for Pancake Day, Gary.
Oh! Happy Pancake Day. Happy Pancake Day.
Many happy returns. Happy Pancake Day. Nah.
Just keep your hands where I can see them as well. OK.
OK, right, I don't remember everything,
but I'm pretty sure we need one of these...
..and then just, like, a fuck ton of eggs.
I think you'll need some milk and flour, too.
Yeah, no need to mansplain, Gary, I think I know what I'm doing.
Right, OK, so who's doing what?
Well, I'll do the eggs. OK, right, me, too. Dave, eggs?
Oh, no, no, I'm flipping. What about your back?
I think he meant flipping the pancakes. OK, Gary, what did I say?
Right. I don't know, but I'm not sure why I'm holding these.
No, no, I don't need to hold the eggs.
You're just holding them...
So if you crack the egg... Yeah.
..then pass it to me and I'll put in the thing. Perfect.
MUSIC: It's the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams
Egg for you.
God, cooking's so easy! Oh, you don't want the shell? OK.
You've got to have flour if it's a pancake. No! Gary!
Why would you do that? I think I'm going back to sleep again.
This is ridiculous. You need to whisk it near your breasts.
# ..marshmallows for toasting and carolling out in the snow
# There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories
# Of Christmases long, long ago
# It's the most wonderful time of the year
# It's the most wonderful time... #
Shut up!
# Of the year. #
Here we go.
Yeah, that's really nice. That's really tasty.
Yeah, lovely! I mean, it's an omelette, but...
One, two, three, four, five, six?
Six chilli chocolate chasers, who the fuck is eating those?
Hey, do you want to join us downstairs yet, Karen?
No, no, I can't right now,
I'm actually in the middle of something very important right here,
so could you just...?
It's Pancake Day. It's the day we... Pancake Day?
..when we celebrate the pancake monks.
# One has an egg, the other has some flour
# And they go to a terrible war. # I've got you this.
Oh, what? Look, Pancake Day presents. Yeah.
Oh, look at...this is what an awesome dinner lady looks like.
Yeah. Look, there are two thumbs pointing at me.
Yeah. Happy Pancake Day, Dad.
That's really lovely. It IS nice.
You joining us, then, Karen?
No, I'm not joining you, I'm reading.
You know, I actually picked up on some direct parallels
between myself and the Prince Harry. You know,
we're both sort of outcast in our own family establishments.
Yeah, interesting. See, I found it to be Chi
who shared parallels with the Duke of Sussex. Oh, yeah?
You know, what with Mum dying in a horrendous car crash.
Can you stop dissecting my book as I read it, please?
But I was wondering, can Chi be the spare if she's an only child? Oh!
Oh, my God, shut up. Just shut up, OK?
If anyone's the spare here, it's me.
LIVELY CHATTER DOWNSTAIRS
No, I'm the spare!
SHE SIGHS
Oh, it's for you.
You all right, Dad? Oh, God bless us, every one.
Oh, oh, oh! That's for you. It's huge! You can have that one.
Oh, Chi!
And then, Gary, I think that's for you. Oh, thank you very much, yeah.
Is that my wallpaper? I did think it was thick.
Yeah. I'm sor... I didn't bring anything, I'm afraid,
I didn't think to. Oh, well, you know,
it's not like I was expecting anything anyway, so...
I just didn't realise it was a thing. Yeah, well, it is, so...
It's embarrassing.
All I've got is this old watch
that my father left for me before he died.
It's actually got
my mum's initials engraved in it. See?
Let's have a look. See, look.
Can you see 'em?
That's, erm... Mm, yeah, OK.
Yeah, no, I've always wanted an old gold watch
with initials engraved into 'em.
So, yeah. That will do. Thanks, Gary, you shouldn't have.
Could have wrapped it, Gaz. Mm.
This is brilliant!
Oh-ho-ho! Oh, wow!
Who's that? Sue's hen-do. Who's Sue? My turn!
Was Sue making it? I'm loving it!
Oh, Chi, Gucci belt, that's so generous!
Oh, OK, yeah, that is generous, yeah.
Where did you get these, Chi? From the shop.
Did you get these out of my van?
Right, I'm eating, because I haven't had hardly anything all day
and I'm just wasting away.
You can leave some for the rest of us, Karen. Ha!
This is really nice, innit?
Yeah, it is quite nice. Family time.
I mean, well, who knows when we'll be able to do this again?
It really is, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it really is.
I have to say, today's made me realise
just how important family is.
What's that paedophile banging on about?
In fact, I think I'm going to go and sort things out with my wife.
There you go. I'm going to ask her to take me back!
Right, so if you'll excuse me... Try your best. Good luck, Gary.
Good luck. Thank you. Yeah, go for it. Go and get her back. I will.
Thank you. Well, anyway, these are really nice!
Yeah, they're OK, actually, yeah.
Thanks, Chi! Thanks, Chi. It's all right.
What do you mean, "Thanks, Chi"?
Well, Chi did most of the cooking. Head chef, sous-chef.
Well, I mean, it was all of us, really, don't you know.
And if you're going to thank anyone, thank Nigel-Ella.
You let that imbecile cook, did you? SHE GASPS
My throat's...my throat's closing up now. Oh! Argh!
Argh!
She sounds like a duck quacking. Argh!
Quack, quack. Argh! Just breathe. You have to do CPR.
Come here.
What's that song that you're supposed to do? Come On Eileen?
That's it, Come On Eileen.
No, it's, it's, erm... Call The Shots, Cheryl Cole.
Stayin' Alive! Oh, no, it's not, no, it's her other one.
It's The Flood. It's Singing In The Rain.
Call an ambulance!
I can't believe this is happening!
This does not happen to people like me! It's awful!
She looks disgusting. Oh, God, not you as well as Dad!
What do you mean, "As well as Dad"?
He's fine, I'm the one on a stretcher!
She doesn't actually need a stretcher, but she insisted.
Yeah, I'll have you know that actually,
my throat is almost entirely sealed shut at this point,
so you can just give it a rest, babe, yeah?
It's great that you can still talk, at least.
Yeah, not affected your voice box, thank God!
I'm going to die! I'm going to die.
This is exactly what you wanted, isn't it?
Kill me off and keep the house. Pancake cunt!
Right, let's go to the hospital. Let's run.
SIREN BLARES
That's amazing, Helen! I promise you won't regret this, mi amor!
I'll be ten minutes, max. HELEN: Yes, well, hurry up.
Hold on, my love! Gary, what? Gary, this is your last chance.
God, where is everyone?
Ooh, breast screening. Yeah, what time's that on?
I don't know, it doesn't say. Oh, you've got to be over 50.
Oh, my, that's annoying. At least it's something to look forward to.
Yeah. Do you think she's going to die? Who? Karen.
Probably. What?
It'll be fine, you get used to it after a few grieves. BRB.
You all right, Dad? BRB.
What?
Argh! Argh. Sorry.
Sorry, I just... Are you finished? Yeah.
Yeah, it's just because I'm feeling quite delicate right now, so...
Right, I appreciate that.
You know, I am...I am a pharmacist, by the way,
so we're the same, aren't we?
We're just, like, all in the trenches together,
so, you know, just...
SHE WHISPERS: ..preferential treatment, please.
Right. Well, we treat people depending on what they need.
Well, I can tell you what I need right now,
I need morphine and a biopsy.
Well, I don't think that's an appropriate use...
And is this really the best bed you've got?
Do you not do doubles?
I can't... Shocking.
Can you pass me that magazine, Lucas, please?
Yeah, of course, Karen.
There we go. Anything else? Not that one, the other one.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Here we go, then, my sweet.
Just turn the telly on, please, OK?
Wives of Cheshire or Beverly Hills?
Oh, Beverly Hills, I'm not destitute.
Sorry, do you have the remote for the telly? No, she won't have.
She's got it right here. Why would you lie to me?
Help!
OK, I'm just wondering, I'm not in the system.
but is there someone who could give me a quick once-over?
No? OK. Thanks.
Ooh! Sorry, sorry.
MUSIC: Let The Sky Fall by Ten Years After
Hey.
HE WHISPERS: So, erm, what's your medical pronouns?
Erm, "Doctor" is fine.
Yeah, OK.
Well, look, this is really hard for me to talk about,
but I promise you, I'm not a sex offender. OK...
Even if I was, obviously, you'd be my first choice
because, all right, you're really handsome and everything, so...
Well, that's a new one. Erm, what's the matter?
Well, it's probably just a bit quicker
if I just drop my trousers like this... No, God, no, don't do that.
It's all right, it's fine.
You know, chill. Just, you can't... You can't do that here on the ward.
Can't do it here? No. It's a hospital. Yes, but not here.
So, like, go to your lab or something?
I've got a place we can go, all right? Oh, OK.
You're not a sex offender, are you? Definitely not.
SIREN BLARES
"Blood donor".
Hey, do you want to get in on this?
What are you doing? Just saving lives.
Oh, OK. Like who? Like everyone. Parents? Yeah.
Cats? Mainly parents.
Except yours. Sorry.
OK, where do I go? Ask her. Are you all right?
Can I give you all my blood?
Do you want to come with me? I'm just about to head in.
Yeah. All right? All right.
Right.
Do you want to pop yourself down there and make yourself comfortable?
Yeah.
Other way.
You done this before?
I've donated before, yeah, but just not blood, leggings. Right.
You're just going to feel a sharp scratch... OK, yeah.
..but that's it.
So what do you think you're going to do with my blood, then?
Going to take it home, or...? No. No? No. It's not for me personally.
Oh, really? Like, famous people?
No. No? What about mums and dads?
Are you always this pale, love?
Yeah. Sorry, I'm just a bit, erm, Caucasian.
Right, I'm just going to go speak to a colleague...
OK. ..and you wait here, all right? Yeah.
# Goodbye, blood... #
I just feel, like, you've been there for me, you know?
Like, you've been there for me like,
well, like Tina was for Turner,
and for that, Karen, I can't thank you enough.
And maybe if you... WHEN you get through this,
maybe we can have, like, a little bit of, like,
special, like, Karen and Lucas time.
Because in a way, what with my mum not really being about,
you've always been a bit of a... Excuse me. Oh, thank fuck for that.
Have you worked out what's wrong with me yet?
I'm afraid we're going to need this bed back,
a more at risk patient has taken priority.
What? Not possible. Can you get out of the bed, please? What, me?
Yeah. Should I be moving?
Is this safe? Yeah, of course. Come on.
Hi, Auntie Karen. Don't "Hi, Auntie Karen" me.
No, don't! This is unbelievable! Legs up. Down. Legs down.
There we go.
Just eat this to try and get your blood sugar levels back up.
We're going to hook you up to an IV drip just to be safe.
She doesn't need an IV drip, OK? She needs a good kick up the arse!
Excuse me, are you a relative? No, she's my niece.
Are you the next of kin? Could we call Mum or Dad?
SHE SIGHS: Dead. They're both dead.
Oh, gosh. Right, well, she's stable,
but we suspect she's dangerously low on most vital vitamins.
GOD, NO, NOT CHI, TOO!
She's incredibly malnourished and vulnerable! Aren't we all?
Have you not been checking up on her?
If you're her auntie and all she's got,
I would suggest maybe stepping it up a bit.
No, I'm sorry, but what would you know?
It's got nothing to do with you, has it? And what about me?
She tried to kill me! There's a little Rose West lying in that bed.
THEY CHUCKLE
Who's Rose West? Serial killer. Is she pretty? Very.
Thanks for doing this, Doc, I've been worried to death.
Sometimes, when I get nervous,
the clock goes from, like, six to 12,
and I couldn't get the wind in my sails...
It's really fine, you don't have to... Yeah.
So...Covid. Was it real?
Yes.
God, they're listening, aren't they?
Blink if they're listening.
So that wasn't a blink, was it?
Are you having any trouble urinating?
Erm, no, seems to be fine.
Yeah? Any trouble passing stools? Stools? Like chairs?
Keep going. Harder? Keep going. Yeah? Keep going. Right.
Keep going. More? Keep going. Harder, or...? Keep going. Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. This is so selfish!
Who? You!
SHE SIGHS
So I was just giving blood, yeah? Yeah.
And then whilst I was giving it, they actually realised
I don't have enough for me, so they're just putting it back in.
SHE LAUGHS
No, we're just testing you for anaemia,
we're not putting it back in.
"Testing you for anaemia." Bitch!
Feels nice.
Have you washed your feet today? Right, OK, move now. What?
No, move!
What? There's no room. Well, you have to make room,
because I'm the one that's not well.
Legs over. I actually do feel a little bit dizzy, not going to lie.
Yeah, well, so do I, actually,
so just move your big, fat ham hock legs over. Amazing news!
I've got the all-clear! Oh! My balls, they're absolutely fine!
Thank God!
What was wrong with your balls?
Well, look, this whole time, I thought I found, like,
this dodgy lump, but it turns out it's benign.
Oh, this is amazing! Did you guys not hear him? He said he has benign!
No, no, no, that's a good thing, Chi. Oh, congratulations!
Do you want to see?
Absolutely, not, no. It's fine. It's benign.
No, I don't want to see them when I don't physically have to.
You're not going to catch anything, I can't even catch anything, so...
Will you stop crying? I'm fine.
It's just such a relief that you're OK.
I really thought that you was going to leave me. I'd be all on my own.
I did think at one point, you know, that I'd had it. But, yeah...
SHE YAWNS
Just makes you think, don't it? That I'm here.
Ah, finally! Are you going give me my bed back yet?
We ran through your test results. Right?
The good news is, you didn't have an allergic reaction,
but you do, however, have very high blood pressure
for someone of your age.
All right. I suspect you experienced some kind of panic attack.
Pancake attack? You need to massively de-stress.
Hold on, Nurse Ray, do you think our fertility issues
could simply be because her eggs are so uptight?
No! I'm not an uptight person, OK?
I'm completely calm and relaxed.
Sorry, there's, like, a small very large spider...
Get it off me, get it off me!
Ow.
I'm actually starting to...like, I'm feeling much better now.
That's...that's good, isn't it?
ALL: # There's a monk with a egg and a monk with some milk
# And a monk with a field of feet
# When you all go to war, the ingredients... #
So, hang on, why did the monks go to the terrible war?
What do you mean, monks? Why are you all singing about monks?
Like, what has that got to do with pancakes?
# Make pancakes for the... #
What is this? Why is there flour all over the letterbox?
Well, it better not be in the crease of my sofa.
Am I allowed to have flour now I'm an "almac"?
# He loves the pancakes
# And we sing... #
Why did you lock me in?
HE GASPS
I need to get to Helen!
# We're making pancakes for Jesus... #
Oh, it's everywhere!
# We're making pancakes for the Lord... #
Wipe your feet, please. Wipe your feet, I said! All of you!
# We're making pancakes... #
Oh, my God! Don't...
Let's sing the Pancake Song. Yeah, the Pancake Song.
BOTH: # So there's a monk with an egg
# And a monk with some milk
# And a monk with a field of wheat
CHI: # Feet
BOTH: # They all go to war, their ingredients smash
# And they make pancakes so sweet
# They're making pancakes for Jesus. #