1
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,751
MAN: Let's call American Express.
You lost your card,
2
00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:27,917
(WOMAN LAUGHS) and you don't know
what the number of it is.
3
00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,007
GEORGE: That's a great one.
4
00:00:29,228 --> 00:00:30,217
MAN: Do the old lady.
5
00:00:30,329 --> 00:00:32,524
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I lost my card.
6
00:00:32,632 --> 00:00:33,621
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
7
00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:35,598
WOMAN: Your... Your accent went in
and out on you sometimes.
8
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:36,963
GEORGE: I went
southern and then...
9
00:00:37,069 --> 00:00:38,536
ON PHONE: American Express.
I'm Danille, how may I help you?
10
00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:40,833
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I certainly need some assistance.
11
00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:44,239
I'm sorry to call you
in such a frenzy,
12
00:00:44,343 --> 00:00:48,473
but I'm very shook up.
I got my American Express card stolen.
13
00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:51,283
WOMAN: Okay, can I have
your last name, please?
14
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:52,351
GEORGE: Yes.
15
00:00:52,985 --> 00:00:54,145
What's your last name?
16
00:00:54,253 --> 00:00:55,345
Right.
17
00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:58,219
Okay, can you give me your name
so I can look up your account?
18
00:00:58,324 --> 00:00:59,348
Yes. Helen.
19
00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:00,790
What's your
last name, please?
20
00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:02,087
Easafawn.
21
00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:04,062
What?
22
00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:05,130
(WOMAN SNICKERS)
23
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:08,029
Helen Easafawn.
24
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,694
E-A
25
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:16,068
S-A-fawn.
26
00:01:17,610 --> 00:01:19,373
ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli.
This is Cindy. May I help you?
27
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:23,074
Hi. I have no legs.
May I speak to the manager?
28
00:01:23,382 --> 00:01:24,349
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
29
00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:25,940
(MAN LAUGHING)
30
00:01:26,819 --> 00:01:31,688
Now, if I get a bill and
it's something, like, for...
31
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:33,190
(STUTTERING)
32
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:36,359
(ALL SNICKER)
33
00:01:37,396 --> 00:01:41,765
But two times in a row I eat
the damn roast beef and I'm...
34
00:01:42,835 --> 00:01:46,396
I can't stop going to the bathroom!
35
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:49,168
MAN: Well, I'm sorry,
but there's nothing I can do for you.
36
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,503
MAN: Ma?
37
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,438
And my son thinks I'm crazy.
38
00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:54,945
Ma, who you calling?
39
00:01:55,047 --> 00:01:57,174
It's Jerry's.
And don't tell me not to call them.
40
00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:59,342
Jesus Christ, get off
the fucking phone!
41
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:00,419
Don't talk to me that way!
42
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,420
Get off the fucking phone!
43
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:03,489
What's going on?
44
00:02:03,589 --> 00:02:04,851
MAN: Same
thing as the last time.
45
00:02:04,957 --> 00:02:06,219
Did she...
What'd she call you about?
46
00:02:06,325 --> 00:02:07,485
The roast beef?
- Yes.
47
00:02:07,593 --> 00:02:09,561
All right, she just
puked in the kitchen.
48
00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,028
That's all right. I suggested
that she doesn't eat roast beef
49
00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:14,031
if it doesn't
agree with her.
50
00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:16,463
(WOMAN SNICKERING)
51
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:23,408
I... I appreciate your suggestions,
but I love roast beef.
52
00:02:23,509 --> 00:02:24,999
It's delicious!
53
00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:27,178
MAN: Go clean up the mess!
54
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,511
(CRYING) I can't. Get off of me!
55
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:32,417
You son of a bitch!
56
00:02:32,518 --> 00:02:33,985
(ALL SNICKERING)
57
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,150
(DIAL TONE)
58
00:02:36,255 --> 00:02:38,086
(ALL LAUGHING)
59
00:03:18,197 --> 00:03:19,186
George?
60
00:03:25,938 --> 00:03:27,132
GIRL: Hi, Mr. Simmons.
61
00:03:27,239 --> 00:03:28,501
Ladies.
62
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,002
George Simmons, man!
Can I get a picture?
63
00:03:33,412 --> 00:03:35,937
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready?
All right, hit me, baby, all right.
64
00:03:36,048 --> 00:03:37,879
Get a little tittie in there.
Come on.
65
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,415
How are you?
You're really funny.
66
00:03:39,518 --> 00:03:41,042
Thank you. You're funnier.
67
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:42,948
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY)
68
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:44,949
Hello.
- Hi!
69
00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:46,581
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
Hey, what's up?
70
00:03:46,692 --> 00:03:48,159
GEORGE: Hey.
How are you?
71
00:04:02,174 --> 00:04:03,664
Hey, handsome.
- Doctor.
72
00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:04,743
How are you, kid?
73
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:05,811
How are you, baby?
74
00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:07,503
(CLEARS THROAT)
75
00:04:07,613 --> 00:04:09,137
The Lunestas are working, baby.
76
00:04:09,248 --> 00:04:11,546
Those are smooth. No hangover.
77
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:16,281
Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what
was the deal with the Restorils?
78
00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:19,984
Why did you give me those?
You trying to fuck with me or something?
79
00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:23,755
George, we got the results back from
the follow-up of your blood count
80
00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:26,457
and it's not what we hoped for.
81
00:04:26,565 --> 00:04:30,194
As I mentioned earlier,
the CBC was abnormal.
82
00:04:30,302 --> 00:04:35,103
Your white blood cells were four
times the size that they should be.
83
00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:38,973
And very low hemoglobin,
seven grams per deciliter.
84
00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:41,137
I don't understand
what you're saying right now.
85
00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:43,738
Can you speak
how people speak?
86
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,251
You have a very serious disease.
It's called AML.
87
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:52,052
It's a form of leukemia and I can't
predict how this will play out,
88
00:04:52,158 --> 00:04:55,753
but I feel you have
a rough road ahead of you.
89
00:05:02,134 --> 00:05:03,328
That's George Simmons,
right here.
90
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,733
George! George!
George Simmons!
91
00:05:04,837 --> 00:05:07,237
Hey, man! How, how you
doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours.
92
00:05:07,339 --> 00:05:09,034
(INAUDIBLE)
93
00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:31,459
I'm sorry to say we're past the
point where traditional structures
94
00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:35,227
like chemotherapy and radiation
would be effective at all.
95
00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:39,929
DR. STEVENS: And I think it's best for
us to pursue an experimental course.
96
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,810
CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am.
Your tamales.
97
00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:48,311
Thanks for shopping at Otto's.
- Yo, Chuck,
98
00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:51,040
I'm going up at the Comedy
and Magic Club doing stand-up.
99
00:05:51,150 --> 00:05:52,344
You should come watch me.
100
00:05:52,451 --> 00:05:54,919
Don't let him suck you in.
He's not funny.
101
00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,619
Nah, he's right, man. No way,
man. That shit was painful.
102
00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,714
I mean, it was hard
watching you suffer up there.
103
00:05:59,825 --> 00:06:01,452
I had fucking
nightmares after that.
104
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,027
That was a long time ago.
That was months ago.
105
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,289
I've gotten a lot
funnier since then.
106
00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:05,522
Then you bored
my wife to sleep.
107
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:06,962
I couldn't get no
pussy that night, man.
108
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,557
Don't blame me
for your pussy issues.
109
00:06:09,668 --> 00:06:11,158
Are they gonna pay you?
- Pay me? No!
110
00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:13,170
That's just how it starts.
You don't get paid in the beginning.
111
00:06:13,272 --> 00:06:15,365
You gotta, you know, work
your way up through the ranks.
112
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,338
My nigger, how the fuck
you in show business
113
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:18,842
when you got no
business to show?
114
00:06:18,944 --> 00:06:20,206
I'm supposed
to be writing jokes.
115
00:06:20,312 --> 00:06:21,506
I'm supposed
to be doing comedy.
116
00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:23,775
I'm not supposed to be
making macaroni salad.
117
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,579
I hate it, man. It's depressing.
Otto's sucks!
118
00:06:26,685 --> 00:06:28,778
You don't know about no
motherfucking hard time, man.
119
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:32,085
I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's the
only place that would hire me.
120
00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:33,283
You too good
for Otto's now?
121
00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:34,381
I'm not too good for it.
122
00:06:34,493 --> 00:06:35,653
I just don't...
It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry.
123
00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:36,750
See that bridge?
1,200 bucks.
124
00:06:38,810 --> 00:06:39,799
Okay.
125
00:06:39,911 --> 00:06:42,607
On the house, man!
Otto, man! Otto's my lotto.
126
00:06:42,714 --> 00:06:45,239
Come on, man, look.
I can't work here anymore, all right?
127
00:06:45,350 --> 00:06:47,045
What, you gonna be on TV
or some shit like that?
128
00:06:47,152 --> 00:06:49,017
I am gonna be on TV.
The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit?
129
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,553
No, I'm gonna
be like Seinfeld.
130
00:06:50,655 --> 00:06:52,384
Get the fuck
out of here, man!
131
00:06:52,824 --> 00:06:53,791
You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld.
132
00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:55,860
Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!
133
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,257
Now Kramer,
134
00:06:57,362 --> 00:07:00,058
Kramer gets a pass from me
'cause Kramer's my nigger.
135
00:07:00,165 --> 00:07:02,190
Well, very forgiving of you.
136
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,427
Look, as a friend, man,
let me tell you something.
137
00:07:04,536 --> 00:07:06,003
You're not funny.
- I think I'm funny.
138
00:07:06,104 --> 00:07:08,231
I got new jokes, man,
and they're good.
139
00:07:08,339 --> 00:07:09,499
Let me hear one
of your new jokes.
140
00:07:09,607 --> 00:07:11,632
Okay, I got one like,
141
00:07:11,743 --> 00:07:14,211
I'm really good at Guitar Hero,
you know, on PlayStation,
142
00:07:14,312 --> 00:07:17,008
and I was so good at it, I thought,
like, "Maybe I should get a guitar."
143
00:07:17,115 --> 00:07:19,015
Then I thought like, "I'm really
good at Grand Theft Auto,
144
00:07:19,117 --> 00:07:20,982
"maybe I should start
beating up hookers."
145
00:07:21,753 --> 00:07:23,345
Okay, that got me.
That was humorous.
146
00:07:23,454 --> 00:07:24,751
I thought you'd like that.
147
00:07:24,856 --> 00:07:26,221
But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man.
148
00:07:26,324 --> 00:07:27,655
For real, if I had
some dough, I would go.
149
00:07:27,759 --> 00:07:28,726
I'll pay your cover charge.
150
00:07:28,827 --> 00:07:29,953
That's the night
I take my wife out also,
151
00:07:30,061 --> 00:07:31,050
so you gotta pay
for my bitch, too.
152
00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:34,943
Okay, I'll do it. Okay.
- If you come and laugh. Laugh loud.
153
00:07:35,052 --> 00:07:36,041
(LAUGHS)
154
00:07:36,154 --> 00:07:37,178
Like that?
- That's good. Perfect.
155
00:07:37,288 --> 00:07:38,255
I'll see you Saturday then.
156
00:07:38,356 --> 00:07:39,345
Okay, good.
Thank you.
157
00:07:39,457 --> 00:07:41,687
Craig, listen to me.
I'm doing the best I can, okay?
158
00:07:41,793 --> 00:07:46,355
I wiped your ass our entire childhood.
Now it's your turn, buddy!
159
00:07:46,464 --> 00:07:48,659
Well, you're the one that asked
the wizard to make you young again.
160
00:07:48,766 --> 00:07:50,097
I didn't mean this young!
161
00:07:50,201 --> 00:07:51,668
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
162
00:07:51,769 --> 00:07:53,532
Last time I had a suit on,
at my bar mitzvah.
163
00:07:53,638 --> 00:07:55,333
My bar mitzvah,
it was the last...
164
00:07:55,439 --> 00:07:57,066
And now I got the same suit.
It's the same suit.
165
00:07:57,175 --> 00:08:00,508
I think it looks good. The bar mitzvah
was a good day in my life.
166
00:08:00,611 --> 00:08:02,977
I made more money that day than
I think I'll ever make again.
167
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,047
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
168
00:08:04,148 --> 00:08:07,276
You know, it's really sad.
To peak at 13 is a weird feeling.
169
00:08:07,385 --> 00:08:08,352
MAN: This is indicative
of the kind of...
170
00:08:08,452 --> 00:08:10,010
GEORGE: Yo. Yo. Shoot that.
Look at that!
171
00:08:10,121 --> 00:08:13,352
Both those girls just go,
"That's the guy from MTV."
172
00:08:13,457 --> 00:08:16,017
I swear on my life, those two girls,
they were just going,
173
00:08:16,127 --> 00:08:18,561
"That's the guy."
It's the second time it happened.
174
00:08:18,663 --> 00:08:22,963
I got off a... I got off,
I got off the bus, and...
175
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:24,967
I mean, the train.
I'm walking out...
176
00:08:59,604 --> 00:09:03,904
Me and Ann traded shifts.
My family's in from Green Bay.
177
00:09:04,008 --> 00:09:06,943
You know, come to see how their
daughter's doing in the big city.
178
00:09:07,044 --> 00:09:09,137
You know, wait,
you went to school here, right?
179
00:09:09,247 --> 00:09:10,737
(PHONE RINGING)
180
00:09:11,515 --> 00:09:12,482
LAURA: Hello?
181
00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:15,780
Hey, Laura, it's George.
182
00:09:15,887 --> 00:09:19,550
How's the northern side
of California going?
183
00:09:20,424 --> 00:09:22,119
What do you
want, George?
184
00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:24,862
I was wondering if
you had a few minutes.
185
00:09:24,962 --> 00:09:27,954
I wanted to talk
to you about something.
186
00:09:28,432 --> 00:09:32,892
Actually, I don't.
I was just walking out the door.
187
00:09:33,004 --> 00:09:36,098
Is it okay if I get your number
and I'll give you a call back later?
188
00:09:36,807 --> 00:09:38,775
I know I'm not
supposed to call you.
189
00:09:38,876 --> 00:09:41,344
I just wanted
to let you know that,
190
00:09:42,914 --> 00:09:46,179
that I really am so
sorry about everything.
191
00:09:48,319 --> 00:09:50,310
I'm sorry, I screwed up.
192
00:09:52,356 --> 00:09:54,256
Too bad you didn't realize
that back then, but
193
00:09:54,358 --> 00:09:57,623
anyway, I gotta go.
Do you want me to call you back?
194
00:09:58,663 --> 00:10:01,530
No, you don't have to call me back.
I know you're not going to,
195
00:10:01,699 --> 00:10:05,032
but I just wanted to let you
know I was sorry one more time.
196
00:10:05,136 --> 00:10:08,037
Okay. Well, all right.
Okay, good luck, George.
197
00:10:08,139 --> 00:10:09,197
Okay.
198
00:10:12,209 --> 00:10:13,198
(CLEARS THROAT)
199
00:10:15,570 --> 00:10:18,937
You know, so, like, I have this joke
about how, like, you never see, like,
200
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,532
a very attractive, blonde,
big-breasted homeless woman.
201
00:10:22,644 --> 00:10:26,136
You know, like, someone will take
care of that person no matter what.
202
00:10:26,248 --> 00:10:28,113
That woman's gonna be fine.
All right, so here's the joke.
203
00:10:28,216 --> 00:10:30,582
You can be attractive and
stupid and make it in the world.
204
00:10:30,685 --> 00:10:31,652
Yeah.
205
00:10:31,753 --> 00:10:32,913
And you could be
unattractive and smart
206
00:10:33,021 --> 00:10:34,181
and make it in the world.
- Yeah.
207
00:10:34,289 --> 00:10:37,554
But it's the ugly, dumb
people who are really screwed
208
00:10:37,659 --> 00:10:39,320
'cause they're ignorant
and an eyesore.
209
00:10:39,427 --> 00:10:40,394
That's funny, man.
210
00:10:40,495 --> 00:10:41,894
That's pretty funny.
I think that'll work.
211
00:10:41,997 --> 00:10:43,259
I was thinking of doing
this thing where, like,
212
00:10:43,365 --> 00:10:44,889
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
213
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,399
I'm kind of, like, right
in the middle, you know.
214
00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:50,096
Like... Like, if I had a good personality,
I could get any chick in the world,
215
00:10:50,205 --> 00:10:52,105
but I don't.
- Yeah, it doesn't work.
216
00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:54,038
I auditioned for Budd
Friedman at the lmprov.
217
00:10:54,142 --> 00:10:55,131
He okayed me
and made me a regular.
218
00:10:56,965 --> 00:10:58,023
Budd won't even
look me in the eye.
219
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:01,125
Man, that's...
Good for you, man. Congratulations.
220
00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:03,101
You shouldn't have lost
all that weight, man.
221
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,763
There's nothing funny
about a physically-fit man.
222
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:06,670
I know. It's lame, right?
- Yeah.
223
00:11:06,775 --> 00:11:08,675
No one wants to watch
Lance Armstrong do comedy.
224
00:11:08,777 --> 00:11:10,005
(SIGHING) Oh, God.
225
00:11:10,112 --> 00:11:11,272
Hey, Ira.
226
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:14,543
Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a
favor and never leave a paycheck
227
00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:17,118
from your shit sitcom on my
pillow ever again, please?
228
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:20,347
(SIGHS) That is so rude of me
to accidentally leave my paycheck
229
00:11:20,455 --> 00:11:24,152
for $25,000 on your pillow.
I'm sorry.
230
00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:25,226
It's a dick move.
231
00:11:25,327 --> 00:11:26,692
It's just,
they keep coming,
232
00:11:26,795 --> 00:11:27,989
you know,
week after week.
233
00:11:28,096 --> 00:11:30,121
It's getting a little bit hard
to keep track of them all.
234
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,756
You know what?
Becoming marginally famous
235
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,459
has really turned
you into an asshole.
236
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:37,699
Now listen, I'd love to stay here and
chat with you, but we have company.
237
00:11:37,806 --> 00:11:39,967
You know that girl comedian
who lives across the street?
238
00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,702
The one with the dark hair
and the bangs?
239
00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:42,868
Daisy, yeah.
Daisy, right.
240
00:11:42,978 --> 00:11:46,175
Well, I bumped into her
outside and I invited her in,
241
00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:48,841
and she's sitting in our
living room right now.
242
00:11:48,951 --> 00:11:50,248
She's out there
right now?
243
00:11:50,352 --> 00:11:53,185
She's hot and she's mousy,
but kind of like...
244
00:11:53,288 --> 00:11:55,620
She's mousy like a mouse you
want to stick your dick in.
245
00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:57,624
Yeah, you've gotta get
out there and talk to her.
246
00:11:57,726 --> 00:11:58,693
Why would you do that?
247
00:11:58,794 --> 00:12:00,125
What do you mean,
why would I do that?
248
00:12:00,229 --> 00:12:01,196
I'm trying to hook you up.
249
00:12:01,296 --> 00:12:02,456
Well, I'm laying
groundwork, man.
250
00:12:02,564 --> 00:12:04,498
I got a three-month plan.
You can't just throw me into this.
251
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,727
I'll give you 10 days
on your three-month plan.
252
00:12:06,835 --> 00:12:08,393
No, I need 80
more days than that!
253
00:12:08,503 --> 00:12:12,530
Okay, I do this because I care
about you. I do this to motivate you.
254
00:12:12,641 --> 00:12:16,509
But I will fuck that girl
in 10 days. I promise.
255
00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:18,273
Come on, dude,
I'm not cute like you.
256
00:12:18,380 --> 00:12:21,679
I don't look like Jackson Browne.
I look like Jon Favreau!
257
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,251
Don't do this to me.
Don't make me fuck her.
258
00:12:24,353 --> 00:12:25,615
Well, then just
don't fuck her!
259
00:12:25,721 --> 00:12:28,053
Don't you put me in this corner
where I have to fuck my way out.
260
00:12:28,156 --> 00:12:31,057
He'll do it, too. He'll do it.
I've seen him do this before.
261
00:12:31,159 --> 00:12:34,151
I'm gonna go out there and warm
her up. I'll see you out there.
262
00:12:34,496 --> 00:12:35,861
Kanye.
Kanye!
263
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,022
No. T.I.
T.I.
264
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:38,565
Lil Weezy.
It's all about Common.
265
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,191
Eminem.
MARK: But do you guys know
266
00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:42,532
who the greatest
rapper of all time is?
267
00:12:43,038 --> 00:12:46,599
(SINGING) William Shakespeare!
268
00:12:46,708 --> 00:12:47,766
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
269
00:12:47,876 --> 00:12:51,175
I know it's silly, but it's fun.
You know, people like it.
270
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,440
Yeah.
- You know?
271
00:12:52,547 --> 00:12:55,015
It's just cool that
you're on TV. I mean...
272
00:12:55,117 --> 00:12:57,017
I can't believe you
haven't seen this before.
273
00:12:57,552 --> 00:13:00,521
Yeah, I can't believe
it's gotten by me.
274
00:13:00,622 --> 00:13:04,456
Is it on a kids channel? WB?
A teen channel or something?
275
00:13:04,559 --> 00:13:05,526
MARK: No. It's on NBC.
276
00:13:05,627 --> 00:13:06,594
DAISY: Really?
277
00:13:06,695 --> 00:13:08,492
Ira, this is Daisy.
- Oh!
278
00:13:08,597 --> 00:13:09,825
Daisy, Ira.
- Hi.
279
00:13:09,931 --> 00:13:10,955
How are you? How's it going?
- Good.
280
00:13:11,066 --> 00:13:12,090
Actually, I have a cold,
so I shouldn't...
281
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,189
Oh!
282
00:13:13,702 --> 00:13:14,669
Air shake.
283
00:13:14,770 --> 00:13:16,328
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
284
00:13:16,438 --> 00:13:18,872
I've actually seen you do comedy
at the lmprov a couple times.
285
00:13:18,974 --> 00:13:20,874
Yeah, you're really...
You're really, really funny.
286
00:13:20,976 --> 00:13:22,637
Oh, thanks.
287
00:13:23,445 --> 00:13:25,174
You know, Ira
just lost 20 pounds.
288
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,009
Oh, congratulations.
289
00:13:27,115 --> 00:13:29,083
Yes, I did.
All from my cock.
290
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,414
Um... So...
291
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:36,290
So, this episode right here
is actually a two-parter.
292
00:13:36,391 --> 00:13:39,451
Great, so does that mean we're
gonna watch both parts right now?
293
00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:41,324
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
294
00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:42,727
You need some help
with that, Ira?
295
00:13:42,831 --> 00:13:44,093
No! No, it's...
296
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,326
It's okay, I got it.
I got it. I got it.
297
00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:47,860
Mmm.
298
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:49,801
(SLURPING)
299
00:13:51,073 --> 00:13:53,769
I'm joking.
I'll get a rag.
300
00:13:54,142 --> 00:13:56,007
See you in nine days, Ira!
301
00:13:56,111 --> 00:13:57,100
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
302
00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,506
RANDY: I went
to a place recently
303
00:13:58,613 --> 00:14:01,514
I'm convinced is the most
fucked up, crazy place
304
00:14:01,616 --> 00:14:07,077
I've ever been to. It's a little
place called Cold Stone Creamery.
305
00:14:07,189 --> 00:14:08,656
Now, the thing
at Cold Stone is...
306
00:14:08,757 --> 00:14:11,282
I can't believe this
is what people like.
307
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:17,923
The sizes are "like it,"
"love it" and "gotta have it!"
308
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:21,167
What kind of crackhead
terminology is that?
309
00:14:21,269 --> 00:14:22,327
"What size you want, man?"
310
00:14:22,437 --> 00:14:24,405
" I don't know, man,
I just gotta have it!
311
00:14:24,506 --> 00:14:26,838
" Put some ice cream in a cup
with some sprinkles!
312
00:14:26,942 --> 00:14:29,672
" Put your dick in a Butterfinger
and fuck it for me, please!
313
00:14:29,778 --> 00:14:33,179
" Put it in the cup! I need it!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
314
00:14:33,281 --> 00:14:35,875
" I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
315
00:14:35,984 --> 00:14:37,975
" I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!"
316
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:41,078
(SINGING) That's how it's done, son!
That's how it's done, son!
317
00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:43,753
Killed it, man.
Crowd was crazy.
318
00:14:43,859 --> 00:14:45,759
Is it always that wild
on a Wednesday?
319
00:14:45,861 --> 00:14:47,488
No, they were...
They seem pretty good out there.
320
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:48,563
I'm really stepping up my game.
321
00:14:48,663 --> 00:14:51,291
These bitches gotta
start paying me for this.
322
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,801
Can't get no more free Randy.
I just fucked that crowd in the ass.
323
00:14:54,903 --> 00:14:55,870
Yeah.
324
00:14:55,971 --> 00:14:57,939
Just awesome.
Just fucking bam!
325
00:14:58,039 --> 00:15:02,237
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me...
My stand-up's my dick.
326
00:15:02,411 --> 00:15:03,378
(EXCLAIMING)
327
00:15:04,179 --> 00:15:06,204
You know?
I'm gonna do the same thing.
328
00:15:07,149 --> 00:15:09,947
Bullshit! Let's get some
MandM's and chips going.
329
00:15:10,051 --> 00:15:11,040
Yellow!
MAN: Ira!
330
00:15:12,558 --> 00:15:14,651
Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up,
331
00:15:14,761 --> 00:15:16,160
so you're gonna do
10 minutes after Leo.
332
00:15:16,863 --> 00:15:18,490
Really? Okay.
Thanks. Yeah.
333
00:15:18,598 --> 00:15:20,498
(MOCKING) "Yeah,
thanks, yeah."
334
00:15:20,933 --> 00:15:22,161
(SCOFFS)
335
00:15:27,774 --> 00:15:30,402
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey.
Did he just tell you you're going on next?
336
00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:32,410
Yeah, I'm on next.
Okay. Well, I'm on after you,
337
00:15:32,512 --> 00:15:34,810
and if you go long, this is
going to die in my pocket.
338
00:15:34,914 --> 00:15:35,903
(CHUCKLES)
339
00:15:36,015 --> 00:15:38,483
That wasn't a joke.
I'm not a comic.
340
00:15:38,751 --> 00:15:41,083
Okay, when you get the light
that means one minute.
341
00:15:41,187 --> 00:15:42,154
Okay.
342
00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:44,514
The other night, I heard my
balls and my dick talking.
343
00:15:44,624 --> 00:15:45,613
And my balls were like,
344
00:15:47,477 --> 00:15:48,637
"Are you okay?
345
00:15:48,745 --> 00:15:50,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
346
00:15:51,714 --> 00:15:53,204
"Is he hurting you?"
347
00:15:53,983 --> 00:15:56,008
And my dick's like,
"You don't know him like I do.
348
00:15:56,119 --> 00:15:58,280
" He's a great guy.
He loves me. "
349
00:15:59,756 --> 00:16:01,280
There's always one guy that
laughs way too hard in the...
350
00:16:01,391 --> 00:16:03,018
Hey. George Simmons
just showed up.
351
00:16:03,126 --> 00:16:05,253
He wants to go on,
so you are bumped.
352
00:16:05,395 --> 00:16:06,862
Okay, how long does he do?
353
00:16:06,963 --> 00:16:07,952
How the fuck should I know?
354
00:16:08,064 --> 00:16:09,656
He hasn't been here in five years,
but you gotta be ready.
355
00:16:09,766 --> 00:16:10,755
Okay.
Okay.
356
00:16:10,867 --> 00:16:13,165
LEO: Thank you, guys!
It's really nice to be here!
357
00:16:13,269 --> 00:16:14,736
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
358
00:16:14,838 --> 00:16:16,533
See that? I fucking killed out there.
- Yeah, that was good.
359
00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:17,901
Watch out, Leo, watch out.
All my new shit worked.
360
00:16:18,007 --> 00:16:18,996
Yeah.
- Yeah.
361
00:16:19,109 --> 00:16:20,804
I was supposed to go on after you.
George Simmons showed up.
362
00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:22,241
Now I'm gonna go on after him.
363
00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:23,869
George Simmons is going up right now?
- Yeah.
364
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:25,277
I just opened for George Simmons?
365
00:16:25,381 --> 00:16:26,609
(SIGHS) Yeah.
366
00:16:26,716 --> 00:16:28,183
That's fucking awesome, man!
367
00:16:28,718 --> 00:16:29,685
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
368
00:16:29,819 --> 00:16:31,616
Yeah!
369
00:16:32,255 --> 00:16:34,450
All right!
370
00:16:36,359 --> 00:16:38,327
Yeah, all right,
I'm scared.
371
00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,692
I'm scared
for all of you guys.
372
00:16:40,797 --> 00:16:44,733
You need me! You need me.
I'm not gonna be here forever.
373
00:16:45,568 --> 00:16:49,629
Who's gonna amuse you?
It's so simple.
374
00:16:49,739 --> 00:16:50,899
You just look at
each other and say...
375
00:16:51,007 --> 00:16:52,907
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
376
00:16:53,009 --> 00:16:53,998
Everyone's laughing.
377
00:16:55,737 --> 00:17:00,470
You people are so unamusing
you have to pay another person
378
00:17:00,575 --> 00:17:03,908
to come and amuse you.
What do you do at home?
379
00:17:04,012 --> 00:17:05,912
Just sit, fucking antsy,
all day long,
380
00:17:06,014 --> 00:17:08,505
" When are we gonna get
to that amusement place?
381
00:17:08,617 --> 00:17:11,916
"Amuse me." You should be
thanking me for those movies.
382
00:17:12,187 --> 00:17:14,280
" Oh! Finally, a movie.
Let's watch it together. "
383
00:17:14,389 --> 00:17:15,947
That's the beauty
of movies, by the way.
384
00:17:16,058 --> 00:17:17,821
You go in there and you don't
have to talk to each other.
385
00:17:17,926 --> 00:17:19,757
And it's fun.
You could stare at the screen.
386
00:17:20,162 --> 00:17:23,723
And, " Maybe we don't hate each
other 'cause we both like this movie.
387
00:17:23,832 --> 00:17:24,821
(LAUGHS)
388
00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:27,527
" We are connecting on that.
389
00:17:28,070 --> 00:17:30,766
" Hey, we're still together.
390
00:17:30,872 --> 00:17:33,841
"All these years later,
we still love each other, right?
391
00:17:33,942 --> 00:17:37,503
" During the movie, yes. When the
movie's over, 'You fucking bitch.
392
00:17:38,847 --> 00:17:43,147
" 'W hy am I still with you?
We have nothing in common.
393
00:17:43,251 --> 00:17:45,116
"'Something's missing. '"
394
00:17:45,253 --> 00:17:47,483
Anyways, I have no religion.
395
00:17:47,589 --> 00:17:49,580
My parents did not
believe in God.
396
00:17:49,691 --> 00:17:51,318
That was great.
They passed that along.
397
00:17:51,426 --> 00:17:52,518
I didn't even have
a fucking choice.
398
00:17:52,627 --> 00:17:55,255
They were like,
"Nope, don't do it."
399
00:17:55,364 --> 00:17:57,798
" Really? So, when Grandpa
dies he goes to heaven?"
400
00:17:57,899 --> 00:18:00,333
" Nope, he'll be in the ground. "
401
00:18:00,435 --> 00:18:02,630
" Thanks, Dad.
Should I sleep now? 'Cause I...
402
00:18:02,738 --> 00:18:04,467
"There's no way I'll have
a nightmare tonight. "
403
00:18:04,573 --> 00:18:07,406
(EXCLAIMS) " Fuck you.
I don't believe in nightmares, either.
404
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:09,442
" Fags have nightmares.
405
00:18:10,979 --> 00:18:13,004
" If there was a God, why would there
be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
406
00:18:14,806 --> 00:18:15,534
"Pleasant dreams."
407
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:16,607
Simmons is getting
a little dark.
408
00:18:16,708 --> 00:18:17,868
What is he doing?
409
00:18:17,976 --> 00:18:19,204
(EXHALES)
410
00:18:19,845 --> 00:18:22,405
(SOFTLY) When you hear
the waitress's footsteps
411
00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:27,614
that's when you know
you're not doing well.
412
00:18:29,421 --> 00:18:30,649
(SIGHS)
413
00:18:31,556 --> 00:18:33,456
Oh, boy,
it's quiet in here.
414
00:18:37,129 --> 00:18:38,221
You hear that?
415
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:43,159
I think I can
hear the freeway.
416
00:18:44,503 --> 00:18:46,471
Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
417
00:18:47,672 --> 00:18:51,073
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
418
00:18:51,176 --> 00:18:52,609
I'm kind of right
in the middle.
419
00:18:52,711 --> 00:18:55,111
So, like, if I had
a good personality,
420
00:18:55,213 --> 00:18:57,147
that might make it so
girls really liked me,
421
00:18:57,249 --> 00:18:59,217
but I don't. So...
422
00:18:59,551 --> 00:19:01,246
Um... Uh...
423
00:19:02,587 --> 00:19:05,249
Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
424
00:19:05,957 --> 00:19:07,390
Now what do we do?
425
00:19:07,959 --> 00:19:10,860
He seems unhappy with his money.
Give it to me, I'll...
426
00:19:10,962 --> 00:19:13,522
I could really spend that.
427
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:15,430
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
428
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,691
If he's depressed with his life,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
429
00:19:17,803 --> 00:19:19,998
I live on my friend's
pull-out couch.
430
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:23,131
So, anyway, I...
Wait, did you hear that?
431
00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:26,574
Yeah, George Simmons just shot
himself in the face backstage.
432
00:19:26,678 --> 00:19:28,976
It's sad knowing
MerMan's crying inside.
433
00:19:29,247 --> 00:19:30,407
Uh-oh!
434
00:19:30,816 --> 00:19:33,046
Is he organizing a mass suicide?
Is that where you're going?
435
00:19:33,151 --> 00:19:34,709
Are you joining him?
436
00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:37,380
Save some Kool-Aid for me.
Just do it.
437
00:19:37,823 --> 00:19:41,657
Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out
has a dove hidden up his asshole, so...
438
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,853
And then Robin Williams
is gonna slit his wrists out here.
439
00:19:43,962 --> 00:19:45,293
So, that's nice, also.
440
00:19:45,897 --> 00:19:49,196
I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank you,
very much. Have a good night.
441
00:19:49,301 --> 00:19:51,064
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
442
00:19:53,138 --> 00:19:54,127
(SIGHS)
443
00:19:54,239 --> 00:19:55,638
Give me a break.
444
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,841
Yo! Hey! Hey!
445
00:20:08,653 --> 00:20:10,052
This fucking guy.
446
00:20:12,023 --> 00:20:13,251
What's up?
447
00:20:13,358 --> 00:20:16,384
Hey. I'm sorry.
448
00:20:17,229 --> 00:20:20,357
I'm parked right on the other
side of you and I can't get in.
449
00:20:20,465 --> 00:20:22,933
What, you come here to make
some jokes to my face now?
450
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,433
You're hard to follow.
I didn't know what to say.
451
00:20:24,536 --> 00:20:25,867
I'm sorry about that.
- No, don't be.
452
00:20:26,171 --> 00:20:28,731
I would've done the same.
You had to comment on it.
453
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:32,234
Yeah, you had some funny shit.
454
00:20:32,344 --> 00:20:33,368
You're a good writer.
455
00:20:33,478 --> 00:20:34,445
Thank you.
456
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:39,548
Your friend... Is that your friend?
The fatter version of you?
457
00:20:39,651 --> 00:20:41,881
He's my roommate.
- Yeah, he's really funny.
458
00:20:41,987 --> 00:20:44,455
You got good stuff.
You're gonna be all right.
459
00:20:44,956 --> 00:20:46,924
Wow, that is so nice
of you to say, man.
460
00:20:47,025 --> 00:20:48,515
That's so...
I appreciate it. Hey!
461
00:20:48,627 --> 00:20:50,925
You know, well, I've been a
really big fan of yours. All of us.
462
00:20:51,029 --> 00:20:53,463
We kind of grew up on your shit
and, you know, incidentally.
463
00:20:53,565 --> 00:20:56,033
So, that's so nice of you
to say, man. Thanks.
464
00:20:57,636 --> 00:20:58,796
Thank you!
465
00:21:00,038 --> 00:21:01,164
Nice to meet you, man!
466
00:21:01,273 --> 00:21:02,262
(ENGINE REVVING)
467
00:21:02,374 --> 00:21:04,433
You're gonna die!
468
00:21:06,478 --> 00:21:09,003
And I'm gonna kill you!
469
00:21:09,247 --> 00:21:10,578
(LAUGHING)
470
00:21:10,849 --> 00:21:12,714
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
471
00:21:12,817 --> 00:21:14,614
Man, that was awesome.
472
00:21:15,086 --> 00:21:16,986
(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
473
00:21:25,597 --> 00:21:26,564
LEO: Cats.
474
00:21:27,933 --> 00:21:29,594
Can you dig it?
- Mmm-hmm.
475
00:21:29,701 --> 00:21:30,963
Just a bunch of cats.
476
00:21:31,636 --> 00:21:33,069
Then me doing stuff.
477
00:21:33,672 --> 00:21:35,697
Then back to the cats doing stuff.
478
00:21:36,641 --> 00:21:39,769
You've gotten 700,000 hits
in four days from this?
479
00:21:39,878 --> 00:21:43,746
Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in
the title of your YouTube video,
480
00:21:43,848 --> 00:21:45,315
you're gonna get a million hits.
- Mmm-hmm.
481
00:21:45,417 --> 00:21:46,941
And then I link
that to my website
482
00:21:47,052 --> 00:21:49,577
and you can see my stand-up
on my website. It's genius.
483
00:21:49,688 --> 00:21:52,657
Why don't you just call it like,
"Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
484
00:21:52,757 --> 00:21:55,123
And then more people
would google that.
485
00:21:55,226 --> 00:21:58,286
Hi. I've got two girls coming
over here in a little bit.
486
00:21:58,396 --> 00:22:00,830
Can you fold up your bed,
please, into the couch?
487
00:22:00,932 --> 00:22:02,900
I don't want the place to look
like a mess when they get here.
488
00:22:03,001 --> 00:22:03,968
Okay, I'm sorry.
I was watching this thing.
489
00:22:04,069 --> 00:22:05,036
(PHONE RINGING)
490
00:22:05,136 --> 00:22:06,398
MARK: All right? Okay.
491
00:22:09,074 --> 00:22:10,234
Hello?
492
00:22:10,675 --> 00:22:12,302
Hey, this is George Simmons.
493
00:22:12,744 --> 00:22:13,733
(LAUGHS)
494
00:22:13,845 --> 00:22:15,904
Fuck you, Craig.
What's happening, man?
495
00:22:16,014 --> 00:22:19,006
It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig.
It's George Simmons.
496
00:22:20,385 --> 00:22:21,374
Oh!
497
00:22:21,486 --> 00:22:24,284
I'm sorry. Hey.
Hey, how's it going, man?
498
00:22:24,389 --> 00:22:27,358
Hey, hey, good job last night.
You guys were pretty funny.
499
00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:30,428
You and the triple-XL
version of you.
500
00:22:30,996 --> 00:22:34,796
Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you. That's...
I... Well, I appreciate that.
501
00:22:34,899 --> 00:22:36,958
You guys are all right.
Good job. I...
502
00:22:37,335 --> 00:22:40,827
I'm doing this corporate
gig for MySpace
503
00:22:41,406 --> 00:22:44,500
and I'm gonna need
some jokes and shit.
504
00:22:44,609 --> 00:22:47,203
I was thinking maybe you guys
would want to write me some.
505
00:22:49,247 --> 00:22:52,842
You know, he's kind of
a flaky guy, but I'm...
506
00:22:52,951 --> 00:22:54,316
I've got nothing going on, man.
507
00:22:54,419 --> 00:22:57,786
I would... I'd love to do that.
Sure. Totally. I'm in.
508
00:22:58,256 --> 00:22:59,450
What kind of jokes
do you need?
509
00:22:59,858 --> 00:23:02,952
Just shit about them or
computers or whatever they like.
510
00:23:03,061 --> 00:23:06,121
When you sprinkle a little lemon
there, they get excited, you know.
511
00:23:06,264 --> 00:23:08,129
That's no problem.
That makes sense.
512
00:23:08,233 --> 00:23:10,497
So, you want to be held accountable,
come watch me do them tomorrow?
513
00:23:10,602 --> 00:23:12,035
I'll take you to the gig.
- Okay, cool, yeah.
514
00:23:12,137 --> 00:23:14,795
How should I... How should I...
How should I get them to you?
515
00:23:15,707 --> 00:23:18,437
I can give you my fax
number and my e-mail.
516
00:23:18,543 --> 00:23:19,635
What's your e-mail?
517
00:23:19,744 --> 00:23:21,939
My e-mail?
518
00:23:22,047 --> 00:23:28,282
It's irasexira@yahoo.com.
519
00:23:30,588 --> 00:23:33,056
Wow. I'm just... I'm starting
to reconsider asking you.
520
00:23:33,158 --> 00:23:35,524
Don't do that. It's from
high school. It was funny then.
521
00:23:35,627 --> 00:23:36,924
Yeah, you should change it.
522
00:23:37,028 --> 00:23:38,757
It's, like, 13 years old.
Okay, I will.
523
00:23:38,863 --> 00:23:40,125
I mean change it now.
524
00:23:40,231 --> 00:23:42,358
Okay, I'll change it,
I'll change it ASAP.
525
00:23:43,435 --> 00:23:45,130
Okay, don't say
"ASAP," either.
526
00:23:45,236 --> 00:23:49,070
And don't say "I'm chilling"
or "It's all good" or any of that stuff.
527
00:23:49,174 --> 00:23:52,200
Okay, I don't.
I don't chill anyway, so I won't.
528
00:23:52,310 --> 00:23:54,505
And it's not all good,
so don't worry.
529
00:23:54,612 --> 00:23:56,102
Okay, Ira.
- Okay.
530
00:23:56,247 --> 00:23:57,976
All right, Ira.
531
00:23:58,083 --> 00:23:59,550
(LAUGHING)
532
00:24:01,653 --> 00:24:04,918
Guys, that was
George Simmons on the phone.
533
00:24:05,023 --> 00:24:06,422
He saw me do stand-up.
534
00:24:06,524 --> 00:24:08,890
He thinks I'm funny!
He wants me to write jokes for him!
535
00:24:08,993 --> 00:24:10,460
What?
- Yep!
536
00:24:10,995 --> 00:24:11,962
Why?
537
00:24:12,063 --> 00:24:13,553
Why? He thinks I'm funny!
538
00:24:13,665 --> 00:24:15,155
This doesn't make
any sense at all.
539
00:24:15,266 --> 00:24:16,233
No?
540
00:24:16,768 --> 00:24:18,429
Jeez, I gotta get started.
541
00:24:19,737 --> 00:24:20,704
What is happening?
542
00:24:20,805 --> 00:24:21,999
You forgot about the bed!
543
00:24:24,609 --> 00:24:27,134
Friends. Friends on MySpace.
Nerds.
544
00:24:27,245 --> 00:24:29,713
Nerds... Nerds have
no friends in real life.
545
00:24:29,814 --> 00:24:33,272
The more friends on MySpace, the
less friends you have in real life.
546
00:24:33,384 --> 00:24:35,318
"How does the softball
team at MySpace work?
547
00:24:35,420 --> 00:24:38,253
"Does everyone get picked last?"
That could be funny.
548
00:24:38,356 --> 00:24:40,790
At some point, you should have
George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
549
00:24:40,892 --> 00:24:42,519
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
550
00:24:42,627 --> 00:24:43,855
(BOTH LAUGH)
551
00:24:43,962 --> 00:24:47,796
So, like, that's funny.
- All right, tell George I wrote that, okay?
552
00:24:47,899 --> 00:24:48,888
Totally. Totally, man.
You gotta be like,
553
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,592
"Leo wrote that."
- Yeah, no, no, no, totally.
554
00:25:04,582 --> 00:25:06,243
Hey, Ira,
I think this is him!
555
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,287
(CHUCKLES)
556
00:25:10,388 --> 00:25:11,787
He's got a limo!
557
00:25:11,890 --> 00:25:12,879
Can we go out and meet him?
558
00:25:12,991 --> 00:25:14,117
No, no, no.
You can't say hi to him.
559
00:25:14,225 --> 00:25:16,159
Just let me get in
with him a little more
560
00:25:16,261 --> 00:25:17,523
before I introduce
people to him.
561
00:25:17,629 --> 00:25:19,028
Don't kiss his ass
too hard, all right?
562
00:25:19,130 --> 00:25:21,223
Stars hate it when you
kiss their ass too hard.
563
00:25:21,332 --> 00:25:23,163
I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard.
- You do?
564
00:25:23,268 --> 00:25:24,565
You hate it when people
kiss your ass too hard?
565
00:25:24,669 --> 00:25:25,966
I hate it.
566
00:25:34,179 --> 00:25:35,146
Man!
567
00:25:35,246 --> 00:25:38,044
Hey. I feel like
we're going to prom.
568
00:25:38,149 --> 00:25:41,676
Okay, well, we're not.
Okay, let's hit it!
569
00:25:43,488 --> 00:25:45,217
This is good.
I like this one
570
00:25:45,323 --> 00:25:49,054
about the guy from MySpace and the guy
from Craigslist getting into a fight.
571
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:50,320
That's funny.
572
00:25:50,428 --> 00:25:51,827
You're excited.
573
00:25:51,930 --> 00:25:52,897
I am excited.
574
00:25:52,997 --> 00:25:54,123
Yeah, that's good.
It's good to be excited.
575
00:25:54,232 --> 00:25:55,460
I used to be excited.
576
00:25:55,567 --> 00:25:57,728
Well, it's awesome.
It's exciting.
577
00:25:58,169 --> 00:26:00,160
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
578
00:26:01,773 --> 00:26:03,104
(EXCLAIMS)
579
00:26:03,541 --> 00:26:05,168
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
580
00:26:05,310 --> 00:26:06,709
Wow!
581
00:26:14,852 --> 00:26:16,114
GEORGE: Thank you!
582
00:26:26,831 --> 00:26:27,957
Yeah!
583
00:26:29,567 --> 00:26:31,967
Brought the nice legs
with you. Good job.
584
00:26:32,070 --> 00:26:33,697
Hello, hello.
Good to see you, sir.
585
00:26:33,805 --> 00:26:35,067
Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
586
00:26:35,173 --> 00:26:36,162
The name's Dave.
- Hi, Dave.
587
00:26:36,274 --> 00:26:37,298
We may hit a few bumps up there,
588
00:26:37,408 --> 00:26:38,602
nothing too crazy.
We'll get you there.
589
00:26:38,710 --> 00:26:39,699
Okay, cool!
All right.
590
00:26:39,811 --> 00:26:41,745
Hope you enjoy Chinese food.
- I love it!
591
00:26:41,846 --> 00:26:43,746
Very good. Enjoy your flight.
- Thank you.
592
00:26:44,616 --> 00:26:45,583
Wow!
593
00:26:50,722 --> 00:26:52,849
You guys were a little late, so we
had to put up James Taylor first.
594
00:26:52,957 --> 00:26:55,892
Karen, she's a silver sun
595
00:26:55,994 --> 00:26:59,555
You'd best walk her way
and watch it shine
596
00:27:00,798 --> 00:27:04,097
Watch her watch
the morning come
597
00:27:06,704 --> 00:27:13,337
A silver tear appearing now
that I'm cryin', ain't I
598
00:27:13,811 --> 00:27:18,248
I'm going to Carolina
in my mind
599
00:27:18,349 --> 00:27:19,543
How'd you guys get him?
600
00:27:19,651 --> 00:27:20,777
Everybody's got their price.
601
00:27:20,885 --> 00:27:23,410
Last year, we had Roger Waters
doing Dark Side of the Moon.
602
00:27:24,489 --> 00:27:27,083
That love's
the finest thing around...
603
00:27:27,225 --> 00:27:30,194
Okay, I thought it could
be funny if you just go,
604
00:27:30,295 --> 00:27:32,229
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
605
00:27:32,330 --> 00:27:34,958
All right. Hey, you do five
minutes before I go up there.
606
00:27:35,667 --> 00:27:39,034
What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain.
Are you kidding me, man?
607
00:27:39,137 --> 00:27:41,332
I can't follow it, either.
That's why you're going up there.
608
00:27:41,906 --> 00:27:48,778
Oh, yeah
609
00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:54,312
Thank you, MySpace!
610
00:27:57,455 --> 00:27:58,888
Fuck Facebook!
611
00:27:58,990 --> 00:28:00,787
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
612
00:28:01,559 --> 00:28:03,424
I can't believe that.
He did the Facebook joke!
613
00:28:03,528 --> 00:28:05,189
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
He did the Facebook...
614
00:28:05,296 --> 00:28:07,321
I can't follow this, man.
I can't go on right now.
615
00:28:07,432 --> 00:28:11,129
Give me this shit.
Get up there. Be a man.
616
00:28:13,237 --> 00:28:14,932
This is a pretty big room.
617
00:28:17,475 --> 00:28:18,464
Lot of people here.
618
00:28:19,981 --> 00:28:23,075
Let's have another round of applause
for James Taylor, everybody.
619
00:28:30,191 --> 00:28:32,682
Yeah, do you
actually use MySpace?
620
00:28:33,861 --> 00:28:36,762
No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom.
I don't have time for that.
621
00:28:37,532 --> 00:28:40,797
I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist
would ever get in a fight with each other.
622
00:28:40,902 --> 00:28:41,891
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
623
00:28:42,003 --> 00:28:44,631
Who would win that fight?
That's what I want to know.
624
00:28:49,110 --> 00:28:51,203
Tom or Craig,
who's tougher?
625
00:28:51,913 --> 00:28:55,076
Tom has more friends,
so that's probably good.
626
00:28:55,183 --> 00:28:57,048
Craig has weirder
friends, though.
627
00:28:57,151 --> 00:28:58,618
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
628
00:28:58,719 --> 00:29:02,553
Craig has friends that are willing to
do a lot more for cash. I will say that.
629
00:29:08,930 --> 00:29:09,919
Eh?
630
00:29:10,031 --> 00:29:10,998
What the fuck was that all about?
631
00:29:11,098 --> 00:29:12,622
You did all the jokes
you wrote for me.
632
00:29:12,733 --> 00:29:15,031
Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry.
I panicked. It's all they wanted.
633
00:29:15,136 --> 00:29:16,535
They just wanted MySpace jokes.
They didn't want...
634
00:29:16,637 --> 00:29:17,865
That's why I hired you
to write me MySpace jokes.
635
00:29:17,972 --> 00:29:19,234
I know, I'm sorry.
That one, I didn't tell that one.
636
00:29:19,340 --> 00:29:20,329
That one will work.
637
00:29:20,441 --> 00:29:21,408
I guarantee you.
638
00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:23,477
It better work.
They're paying me 300 grand.
639
00:29:23,578 --> 00:29:25,341
TOM: Mr. George Simmons!
- Really?
640
00:29:29,650 --> 00:29:33,711
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, Tom, thank you.
641
00:29:33,821 --> 00:29:37,416
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
642
00:29:37,525 --> 00:29:40,892
What about Ira, everybody?
How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah.
643
00:29:40,995 --> 00:29:42,690
That guy, man.
644
00:29:42,797 --> 00:29:46,392
He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe
he doesn't work with you people.
645
00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:51,100
Tom started MySpace just
to get friends, I know it.
646
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,864
So, they say the more friends
you have on MySpace,
647
00:29:53,975 --> 00:29:57,877
the less friends you have in real life.
You know?
648
00:29:57,979 --> 00:30:00,641
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"I have 100,000 friends on MySpace!
649
00:30:01,215 --> 00:30:02,682
" Yes!
650
00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:07,753
" Isn't that great?
I have so many friends on the computer. "
651
00:30:08,556 --> 00:30:09,523
"What are you doing tonight?"
652
00:30:09,624 --> 00:30:11,421
" I'll be on the computer.
653
00:30:12,293 --> 00:30:13,920
"That's what I do."
654
00:30:17,665 --> 00:30:20,600
I hate the new generation
of coolness out there.
655
00:30:20,701 --> 00:30:24,967
You just never get any information out
of people you talk to, the youngsters.
656
00:30:25,072 --> 00:30:27,199
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Just chilling."
657
00:30:27,708 --> 00:30:30,336
All right.
I know, you're chilling.
658
00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:35,849
"What're you doing tonight?"
"Things." "Okay."
659
00:30:35,950 --> 00:30:38,214
I like dumb people, you know.
They like to talk to you.
660
00:30:38,319 --> 00:30:40,787
"Hey, what's going on?"
"I like lollypops."
661
00:30:40,888 --> 00:30:42,219
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
662
00:30:42,323 --> 00:30:43,290
"Good."
663
00:30:46,827 --> 00:30:49,421
" My favorite color
is butterscotch. "
664
00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:55,528
Do you ever get tired of singing the
same songs, you know, over and over?
665
00:30:56,404 --> 00:30:59,100
Do you ever get tired
of talking about your dick?
666
00:31:00,207 --> 00:31:02,641
Yeah, I don't like...
I don't like blowjobs very much.
667
00:31:02,743 --> 00:31:04,506
I don't like...
A lot of guys like the blowjobs,
668
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:08,139
I don't love them. I never know what
to do with my hands. You know?
669
00:31:08,249 --> 00:31:10,046
I'm always like...
670
00:31:10,651 --> 00:31:12,414
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
671
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:16,980
You can either go hands on
the hips or the salute is fun.
672
00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:22,429
Yeah, it's always shocking
when a girl blows you.
673
00:31:22,530 --> 00:31:24,657
You're like, " Really?
You want to do it? All right. "
674
00:31:25,232 --> 00:31:26,893
I got some advice
for the ladies out there.
675
00:31:27,001 --> 00:31:31,404
When you are performing that
act on a fellow don't ever say,
676
00:31:31,505 --> 00:31:34,565
" You know, you're the first guy I ever
got the whole thing in my mouth.
677
00:31:34,675 --> 00:31:36,370
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
678
00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:41,710
" Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway
down and I just start fucking choking,
679
00:31:42,216 --> 00:31:47,085
" but with you,
I got a ball in my mouth!
680
00:31:47,288 --> 00:31:49,153
" That's never happened!
681
00:31:50,424 --> 00:31:56,090
" Look, I have him in my mouth right
now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear.
682
00:31:57,698 --> 00:31:59,791
"Normally I have a stutter."
683
00:32:01,669 --> 00:32:04,661
That wasn't a pee, that was a shit.
That took too long.
684
00:32:04,772 --> 00:32:06,763
Here's 1,000 bucks.
Good job.
685
00:32:06,874 --> 00:32:08,637
Thank you so much, man.
686
00:32:08,743 --> 00:32:10,973
I've never made this much money
doing anything, man. Thank you.
687
00:32:11,078 --> 00:32:14,377
Good. I'm thinking about
doing a lot more stand-up.
688
00:32:14,482 --> 00:32:15,449
Okay.
689
00:32:15,549 --> 00:32:17,813
And my assistant
got pregnant.
690
00:32:17,918 --> 00:32:20,250
I didn't even know she...
I thought she was a fucking lesbian
691
00:32:20,354 --> 00:32:21,321
the whole time, but...
692
00:32:21,422 --> 00:32:22,650
They can get pregnant, too.
693
00:32:23,791 --> 00:32:25,156
That's nice. That's very nice.
- Yeah.
694
00:32:25,259 --> 00:32:28,751
So, you want to kind
of assist me, you know?
695
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:29,955
Yeah! Yeah.
I mean, not, not...
696
00:32:30,064 --> 00:32:31,292
I mean, you can write
jokes for me, too,
697
00:32:31,399 --> 00:32:32,388
but get me sodas...
698
00:32:32,500 --> 00:32:33,467
Whatever you need, man!
699
00:32:33,567 --> 00:32:35,228
...and, like, clean my shit up and...
- Yeah.
700
00:32:35,336 --> 00:32:36,826
How much money you make now?
701
00:32:36,937 --> 00:32:38,370
It depends on how many hours.
702
00:32:38,472 --> 00:32:39,734
Usually, I can get about...
703
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:41,569
I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week.
704
00:32:41,676 --> 00:32:43,303
That's amazing, man.
Thank you so much.
705
00:32:43,411 --> 00:32:44,810
You want to fuck these two girls?
706
00:32:46,313 --> 00:32:48,781
Hey, the JT.
707
00:32:49,417 --> 00:32:51,044
George. That was the best.
You killed them.
708
00:32:51,152 --> 00:32:52,119
Ira.
709
00:32:52,219 --> 00:32:54,380
Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor.
Yes, hello.
710
00:32:54,789 --> 00:32:55,813
You wanna fuck these girls?
711
00:32:55,923 --> 00:33:00,019
I filled my quota
in 1982, I believe.
712
00:33:00,127 --> 00:33:01,253
All right, I'll have
to figure this shit out.
713
00:33:01,362 --> 00:33:02,351
I know those girls.
714
00:33:02,463 --> 00:33:04,158
You do?
Do you want to meet those girls?
715
00:33:04,265 --> 00:33:06,790
Will you fucking settle down?
Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle.
716
00:33:07,001 --> 00:33:10,129
You're twitching like a fucking
madman. That guy in porno?
717
00:33:10,638 --> 00:33:12,196
No. I would know.
- No?
718
00:33:16,091 --> 00:33:18,025
Mandy. Well, hi there.
719
00:33:18,127 --> 00:33:20,152
You're still swimming?
Get the fuck out of there.
720
00:33:20,262 --> 00:33:21,957
I'm ready for you.
721
00:33:22,064 --> 00:33:23,395
Yeah. Oh, my God.
722
00:33:25,801 --> 00:33:27,598
Oh, God. Feel that stomach.
Oh. Yeah.
723
00:33:27,703 --> 00:33:29,227
I like that thing.
Good. Well, go for it.
724
00:33:29,338 --> 00:33:30,771
It's hard. Bam!
725
00:33:31,006 --> 00:33:31,973
(EXCLAIMING)
726
00:33:33,475 --> 00:33:34,772
MANDY: This house is crazy.
727
00:33:34,877 --> 00:33:36,139
GEORGE: Oh, yeah, you got
to see the whole thing.
728
00:33:36,245 --> 00:33:37,974
Come here.
It came furnished.
729
00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:39,069
Really?
730
00:33:39,181 --> 00:33:40,148
(GEORGE MOANING)
731
00:33:40,249 --> 00:33:43,480
GEORGE: That's my man, Ira. He wrote a
lot of good jokes for me there, honey.
732
00:33:43,585 --> 00:33:46,383
Make sure he shows you his cock.
It's very, very thick.
733
00:33:46,488 --> 00:33:47,477
(BOTH LAUGHING)
734
00:33:47,589 --> 00:33:49,056
See you, George.
735
00:33:54,763 --> 00:33:57,254
Hey, wanna have a contest to see who
can hold their breath the longest?
736
00:33:57,366 --> 00:33:58,560
(GASPS)
737
00:34:07,142 --> 00:34:08,336
(SPITS)
738
00:34:10,279 --> 00:34:11,906
You didn't go under.
739
00:34:13,682 --> 00:34:16,014
Nothing's gonna
happen between us.
740
00:34:18,220 --> 00:34:20,984
I can't believe I'm having
sex with George Simmons.
741
00:34:21,256 --> 00:34:23,520
Yeah, he can't believe it, either.
742
00:34:23,859 --> 00:34:26,259
My dad loves your movies.
743
00:34:26,361 --> 00:34:29,990
Yeah, that's the best when
you talk about your dad.
744
00:34:30,099 --> 00:34:31,157
(MOANING)
745
00:34:32,968 --> 00:34:34,765
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
746
00:34:38,740 --> 00:34:41,300
Dad, this won't
bring Mom back!
747
00:34:41,410 --> 00:34:44,402
I have nothing else!
748
00:34:44,513 --> 00:34:47,277
BOY: You're a champion, Dad!
You're a champion!
749
00:34:53,255 --> 00:34:55,018
Oh! You're still here.
750
00:34:56,258 --> 00:34:57,816
I know that asshole.
751
00:34:58,961 --> 00:35:00,826
You two were just fucking, huh?
How'd that go?
752
00:35:00,929 --> 00:35:04,194
No, I have a boyfriend.
We already talked about it.
753
00:35:04,500 --> 00:35:06,058
Yeah. John.
Yeah.
754
00:35:06,602 --> 00:35:09,162
Your friend took off.
She thought you left, so...
755
00:35:09,271 --> 00:35:10,238
Really?
756
00:35:10,339 --> 00:35:11,567
That's what happens
in a big house.
757
00:35:11,673 --> 00:35:12,970
It's called "the big
house problem."
758
00:35:13,075 --> 00:35:15,669
Your friend actually left
her purse down the hall.
759
00:35:15,777 --> 00:35:17,210
You want to go get it with me?
760
00:35:17,312 --> 00:35:18,279
Oh. Okay.
761
00:35:20,282 --> 00:35:21,613
(MUMBLING)
762
00:35:23,585 --> 00:35:25,246
Don't you leave on me, Ira.
763
00:35:25,787 --> 00:35:26,947
Fuck me like MerMan!
764
00:35:27,055 --> 00:35:30,354
Come on! Do MerMan!
Do the MerMan call!
765
00:35:30,726 --> 00:35:31,693
Come on!
766
00:35:31,793 --> 00:35:34,694
(WHOOPING) Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, God!
767
00:35:39,768 --> 00:35:41,133
Hey.
- Oh. Hey.
768
00:35:41,737 --> 00:35:43,830
Sorry about the chick, man. I...
769
00:35:43,939 --> 00:35:46,339
You weren't getting it done,
so something had to happen.
770
00:35:46,441 --> 00:35:48,500
Oh, that's... No, she...
I wasn't even trying.
771
00:35:48,610 --> 00:35:50,339
She told me
she had a boyfriend.
772
00:35:50,746 --> 00:35:53,340
Oh, yeah. She told me
she had a boyfriend, too.
773
00:35:53,448 --> 00:35:56,212
(SINGING) When she
was sucking my cock!
774
00:35:56,318 --> 00:35:57,546
(GAGGING)
775
00:35:57,953 --> 00:35:59,284
(RETCHING)
776
00:36:00,789 --> 00:36:02,780
What the fuck are you doing
with that big dick of yours?
777
00:36:02,891 --> 00:36:06,054
You gotta use it! You gotta
share Thickie with the world.
778
00:36:06,161 --> 00:36:07,822
I don't... It's normal.
779
00:36:07,930 --> 00:36:11,263
You want to go upstairs, man?
Talk to me while I try to fall asleep?
780
00:36:12,201 --> 00:36:14,669
Okay, if...
Yeah, if that's what you want me to do.
781
00:36:15,737 --> 00:36:20,037
Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man.
That was a fun night.
782
00:36:20,609 --> 00:36:21,598
That was a good night.
783
00:36:21,710 --> 00:36:22,677
Yeah, that was crazy.
784
00:36:22,778 --> 00:36:23,745
Yeah.
785
00:36:23,845 --> 00:36:26,609
So, you slept with
both those girls, man.
786
00:36:27,549 --> 00:36:28,709
How did you do that?
787
00:36:29,218 --> 00:36:30,913
How did I do that?
There's this...
788
00:36:31,019 --> 00:36:34,978
Girls like famous guys. It's a story
for them, I guess. I don't know.
789
00:36:35,090 --> 00:36:36,785
I take advantage
of it, though.
790
00:36:36,892 --> 00:36:38,985
Believe me, they always
leave disappointed.
791
00:36:39,595 --> 00:36:41,529
(YAWNING)
That's amazing.
792
00:36:43,832 --> 00:36:46,494
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear
about this name, Ira Wright.
793
00:36:46,602 --> 00:36:48,467
That's not your real name, right?
794
00:36:49,137 --> 00:36:50,263
How could you tell?
795
00:36:50,372 --> 00:36:51,396
(CHUCKLES)
796
00:36:51,506 --> 00:36:53,531
You're hiding some Judaism.
797
00:36:53,642 --> 00:36:55,507
No, my real last name is Wiener.
798
00:36:55,611 --> 00:36:57,340
It's Ira Wiener and everyone...
799
00:36:57,446 --> 00:37:01,382
It's spelled the same as "wiener" and
I just got tired of correcting people.
800
00:37:01,483 --> 00:37:03,781
So, that's what led you
to the path of comedy.
801
00:37:03,885 --> 00:37:06,945
Being humiliated every day.
First day of school,
802
00:37:07,055 --> 00:37:09,046
(IN FEMALE VOICE)
"Is Ira Wiener here?"
803
00:37:09,157 --> 00:37:10,124
And you were in the back.
804
00:37:10,225 --> 00:37:13,786
(IN KID'S VOICE)
"Wiener. My name's Wiener."
805
00:37:13,895 --> 00:37:16,295
You little fruit.
What were your parents like?
806
00:37:16,398 --> 00:37:19,367
What are the older
"Wieners" or Wieners like?
807
00:37:20,369 --> 00:37:21,393
My parents are divorced.
808
00:37:21,503 --> 00:37:26,338
They hate each other.
My mother thinks my father's the devil.
809
00:37:27,676 --> 00:37:29,837
I don't know what that
makes me, technically, but...
810
00:37:30,279 --> 00:37:32,372
So, you'll never
be as funny as me.
811
00:37:32,481 --> 00:37:33,470
Why not?
812
00:37:33,582 --> 00:37:36,574
Your generation has the
divorces, which is cute-funny,
813
00:37:36,685 --> 00:37:42,248
but my generation has the, "Oh, my God,
my father's about to hit me with a bat!"
814
00:37:43,425 --> 00:37:48,863
I just... You gotta break out the funny a
lot quicker than your little faggy childhood.
815
00:37:48,964 --> 00:37:50,192
(YAWNING)
816
00:37:50,899 --> 00:37:52,423
Are you serious?
817
00:37:52,534 --> 00:37:55,935
I spent my whole childhood
trying to make my father laugh.
818
00:37:56,605 --> 00:37:59,438
I still haven't succeeded,
but we'll get there.
819
00:38:05,013 --> 00:38:08,779
Don't bail on me yet.
Keep it coming.
820
00:38:09,518 --> 00:38:11,543
When's the first time
you fingered a girl?
821
00:38:11,653 --> 00:38:14,918
I was at summer camp, Jewish
summer camp, on the sports field.
822
00:38:17,693 --> 00:38:22,426
And her name
was Sharon Mizrahi.
823
00:38:23,198 --> 00:38:26,429
I didn't know what to do.
I got really scared.
824
00:38:26,535 --> 00:38:30,266
She reached down and
grabbed my penis really hard,
825
00:38:30,372 --> 00:38:32,203
like she was just
trying to murder it.
826
00:38:42,517 --> 00:38:43,848
Morning.
- Yeah, baby.
827
00:38:43,952 --> 00:38:46,819
It took me three hours, but
I think I found your kitchen.
828
00:38:47,322 --> 00:38:49,119
Am I in the bathroom still?
Is that it?
829
00:38:49,224 --> 00:38:51,590
No, no.
You're good. You're safe.
830
00:38:51,727 --> 00:38:52,694
What do you got there?
831
00:38:52,794 --> 00:38:54,955
This is medicine, Ira.
I'm sick.
832
00:38:55,063 --> 00:38:57,725
One of those girls have chlamydia?
I thought she smelled funny.
833
00:38:57,833 --> 00:38:59,460
Is that what it is?
- Yeah.
834
00:39:00,001 --> 00:39:05,029
I have a weird blood disease.
AML. It's a form of leukemia.
835
00:39:05,774 --> 00:39:08,470
This is experimental
medicine from Canada.
836
00:39:09,211 --> 00:39:14,171
There's an 8 percent chance
of it working. So, fuck me.
837
00:39:14,616 --> 00:39:16,982
Well, that's not true
'cause if it was,
838
00:39:17,085 --> 00:39:18,712
I would've read about it
or heard about that.
839
00:39:18,820 --> 00:39:19,912
You didn't hear
about it because
840
00:39:20,021 --> 00:39:23,013
I didn't fucking run out and tell
Entertainment Tonight.
841
00:39:23,125 --> 00:39:24,956
Well, why would you tell me?
842
00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:26,857
'Cause I don't
really know you, Ira.
843
00:39:26,962 --> 00:39:30,090
I think you're not gonna
get too weird about this.
844
00:39:30,198 --> 00:39:33,531
I don't want to start getting
treated like the guy who's gonna die.
845
00:39:33,835 --> 00:39:37,931
So, anyways, this shit's
got a lot of caffeine in it.
846
00:39:38,039 --> 00:39:40,974
They say that's good for you.
Let me take the medicine.
847
00:39:41,076 --> 00:39:42,600
Why are you telling
me this, George?
848
00:39:42,711 --> 00:39:45,544
'Cause I want you
to possibly do me a favor.
849
00:39:45,647 --> 00:39:46,841
Okay. Yeah. What?
850
00:39:47,649 --> 00:39:48,741
Kill me.
851
00:39:49,518 --> 00:39:50,485
What?
852
00:39:50,585 --> 00:39:51,711
Nobody knows
we know each other.
853
00:39:51,820 --> 00:39:54,380
You're a stranger.
You can get away with this.
854
00:39:54,489 --> 00:39:57,617
I got a gun in the other room.
It's untraceable.
855
00:39:57,726 --> 00:40:00,718
I'll give you $50,000.
856
00:40:00,829 --> 00:40:06,859
Don't make me suffer.
Please, kill me, Ira. I'm begging you.
857
00:40:07,169 --> 00:40:09,160
Can you at least give me,
like, a night to think about it?
858
00:40:09,271 --> 00:40:10,397
Ha!
859
00:40:10,505 --> 00:40:12,496
Think about it?
You would do it!
860
00:40:12,607 --> 00:40:15,269
Oh, I hate you, man.
- Oh, no!
861
00:40:15,377 --> 00:40:21,043
Ira, I misread you.
You're sick! You're a murderer!
862
00:40:21,149 --> 00:40:22,138
Screw you, man.
863
00:40:22,250 --> 00:40:23,239
You wanted to do it!
864
00:40:23,351 --> 00:40:25,842
What would you have done for $100,000?
Chop my head off?
865
00:40:25,954 --> 00:40:27,421
You would still want to do it!
866
00:40:27,522 --> 00:40:29,251
That wasn't even
good acting over there!
867
00:40:29,357 --> 00:40:30,654
What the fuck?
- That was good acting.
868
00:40:30,759 --> 00:40:32,750
Daniel Day-Lewis would've
crushed that speech.
869
00:40:32,861 --> 00:40:35,455
I bought that, man. Wow!
870
00:40:35,564 --> 00:40:38,795
Ira, you don't have to kill me,
but I am gonna die.
871
00:40:39,201 --> 00:40:41,032
George, look. Honestly, I'm like...
Don't get close, Ira.
872
00:40:41,136 --> 00:40:42,626
...a really gullible guy.
Don't do this.
873
00:40:42,737 --> 00:40:44,068
Look, my friends, they
trick me all the time.
874
00:40:44,172 --> 00:40:45,833
One of my roommates told me
he was Joe Pesci's son.
875
00:40:45,941 --> 00:40:48,432
I believed him for three
years. I still get shit for it,
876
00:40:48,543 --> 00:40:50,477
so just, please,
level with me, man.
877
00:40:50,579 --> 00:40:52,877
Are you serious?
- I am serious, Ira.
878
00:40:53,415 --> 00:40:55,383
Don't tell anybody about
this though, all right?
879
00:40:55,484 --> 00:40:57,042
I want it to be our secret.
880
00:40:57,152 --> 00:40:59,712
Now, you're gonna make me
some eggs. Okay, murderer?
881
00:41:00,255 --> 00:41:01,222
(SOFTLY) Don't say that.
882
00:41:01,323 --> 00:41:03,223
Just try not to kill
any of the staff
883
00:41:03,325 --> 00:41:06,021
while I'm gone, okay?
They have families.
884
00:41:06,795 --> 00:41:08,353
IRA: Well, he actually tricked
me first, but then he showed...
885
00:41:08,463 --> 00:41:09,657
I mean, he's taking medicine.
886
00:41:09,764 --> 00:41:12,255
He's getting this special
medicine from Canada.
887
00:41:12,567 --> 00:41:14,432
MARK: Oh, my God, that's the
saddest thing I've ever heard.
888
00:41:14,536 --> 00:41:18,063
Yeah. I think I'm the
only person he's told.
889
00:41:18,173 --> 00:41:21,142
That's what he said. I mean, he's
really... He likes me, in a weird...
890
00:41:21,276 --> 00:41:23,904
I think he's, like, taken
a shine to me, you know.
891
00:41:24,012 --> 00:41:26,003
Not enough to let you in
on that two-on-one.
892
00:41:26,114 --> 00:41:27,411
Come on, that's not appropriate.
893
00:41:27,516 --> 00:41:28,949
I don't want that anyway.
894
00:41:30,785 --> 00:41:32,776
IRA: I just don't know.
I mean, it's...
895
00:41:32,888 --> 00:41:34,788
It's really scary.
I've never even...
896
00:41:34,890 --> 00:41:37,188
I don't think I've known
anyone who's, like, sick,
897
00:41:37,292 --> 00:41:39,760
you know, in like a major way
before. I don't... I just...
898
00:41:39,861 --> 00:41:42,694
LEO: George Simmons.
He's been around my whole life.
899
00:41:42,797 --> 00:41:44,765
It's like Snap, Crackle
and Pop dying, you know?
900
00:41:44,866 --> 00:41:45,833
IRA: I know.
901
00:41:45,934 --> 00:41:47,526
Can we not talk
about this right now?
902
00:41:47,802 --> 00:41:49,929
I'm not really good
with the whole death thing.
903
00:41:50,038 --> 00:41:51,369
Is that all right?
904
00:41:51,473 --> 00:41:53,805
I need to talk about it, man.
I work for this guy now.
905
00:41:53,909 --> 00:41:56,036
I can't... I mean, that's all
I'm... It's all I'm thinking about.
906
00:41:56,144 --> 00:42:00,046
I'm gonna tell you this story that
makes me feel all right with death.
907
00:42:00,982 --> 00:42:03,712
When I was younger,
my grandfather died
908
00:42:03,818 --> 00:42:05,376
and we were all
gathered around him
909
00:42:05,487 --> 00:42:08,684
and there was this one
candle next to his bed.
910
00:42:08,790 --> 00:42:13,989
And right after he died, the candle started
flickering and then it just went out.
911
00:42:14,462 --> 00:42:15,486
Wow.
- Yeah.
912
00:42:15,597 --> 00:42:18,361
And we looked around,
and there were no windows.
913
00:42:18,934 --> 00:42:21,459
Like, nothing in that room.
914
00:42:22,203 --> 00:42:24,728
And it sounds crazy,
but we all thought
915
00:42:24,839 --> 00:42:27,171
it was him going
to heaven, you know?
916
00:42:27,275 --> 00:42:29,505
You don't pass through
fire to get to heaven.
917
00:42:29,611 --> 00:42:30,578
I think he went to hell.
918
00:42:30,679 --> 00:42:31,668
(SCOFFS)
919
00:42:31,780 --> 00:42:33,338
What'd you just say?
LEO: I just...
920
00:42:33,448 --> 00:42:35,143
I think your grandfather
probably went to hell.
921
00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:37,184
Don't do it.
Are you kidding me right now?
922
00:42:37,285 --> 00:42:38,877
I'm... I'm sorry
to break it to you.
923
00:42:38,987 --> 00:42:40,113
You're gonna make
fun of me right now,
924
00:42:40,221 --> 00:42:42,246
just after I opened up
to you guys like that?
925
00:42:42,357 --> 00:42:44,052
It's not my fault your
grandfather's in hell.
926
00:42:44,159 --> 00:42:45,217
It's not a big deal.
Some grandpas go to hell.
927
00:42:46,694 --> 00:42:47,683
Come on.
Don't be a jerk to me
928
00:42:47,795 --> 00:42:49,353
just because I make
more money than you guys.
929
00:42:49,464 --> 00:42:50,431
How much do you make again?
930
00:42:50,532 --> 00:42:51,760
(LEO LAUGHING)
931
00:42:51,866 --> 00:42:54,835
You guys are just projecting
all your hatred onto me.
932
00:42:54,936 --> 00:42:56,335
Okay, and don't be
super bummed out
933
00:42:56,437 --> 00:42:59,338
'cause your grandfather's playing
backgammon with Hitler right now.
934
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:00,930
Shit, dude, don't.
935
00:43:01,075 --> 00:43:02,906
(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
936
00:43:04,646 --> 00:43:06,273
GEORGE: I gotta get
rid of this stuff.
937
00:43:07,549 --> 00:43:10,074
Man, I don't know what
I'm gonna do with it.
938
00:43:11,119 --> 00:43:13,644
The more money you make, the
more free shit they give you.
939
00:43:13,755 --> 00:43:18,215
It makes no sense. I don't see
any jet skiing in my near future.
940
00:43:18,326 --> 00:43:19,987
All this shit was free?
941
00:43:20,094 --> 00:43:21,061
You want a TV, Ira?
942
00:43:21,162 --> 00:43:24,427
I got, like, three flat screens
laying around in there somewhere.
943
00:43:24,532 --> 00:43:27,695
Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take
this stuff to Goodwill if you want or...
944
00:43:27,802 --> 00:43:30,532
You know what? Don't even
worry about this stuff. Let's...
945
00:43:30,638 --> 00:43:33,038
I got some cars in storage
you could sell for me
946
00:43:33,141 --> 00:43:35,166
and just give
that money to charity.
947
00:43:35,276 --> 00:43:36,243
I can do that, yeah.
948
00:43:36,344 --> 00:43:37,368
I'm gonna write a list out for you,
949
00:43:37,478 --> 00:43:39,412
give you a bunch of
things I want you to do.
950
00:43:39,514 --> 00:43:40,640
What size sneaker are you?
951
00:43:40,748 --> 00:43:41,715
Eleven and a half.
952
00:43:41,816 --> 00:43:44,910
(EXCLAIMS) You got that thick cock,
don't you? I want to see that thing.
953
00:43:45,019 --> 00:43:46,714
Come on, pull the cock out.
954
00:43:46,821 --> 00:43:47,810
I'm not gonna show it to you.
955
00:43:47,922 --> 00:43:48,889
What the fuck's
the matter with you?
956
00:43:48,990 --> 00:43:50,218
I'm not gonna do
anything with it.
957
00:43:50,325 --> 00:43:52,190
I just want to know
what I'm dealing with.
958
00:43:52,293 --> 00:43:53,351
If you give me an iPod.
959
00:43:53,461 --> 00:43:54,758
You asshole.
960
00:43:54,862 --> 00:43:56,295
All right, you can
have anything in here,
961
00:43:56,397 --> 00:43:58,297
but you gotta take
the MerMan poster.
962
00:43:58,399 --> 00:44:00,333
No, I want...
I love MerMan!
963
00:44:00,435 --> 00:44:01,732
I knew you loved MerMan.
964
00:44:01,836 --> 00:44:03,770
You and five-year-olds
love MerMan.
965
00:44:04,439 --> 00:44:05,633
It's a smart movie.
966
00:44:07,609 --> 00:44:12,069
So, which, specifically, of the
cars belong to George Simmons?
967
00:44:12,714 --> 00:44:14,238
Which one?
- Yeah.
968
00:44:14,349 --> 00:44:15,543
All of them.
969
00:44:16,017 --> 00:44:17,348
All of them?
- Yeah.
970
00:44:17,452 --> 00:44:18,817
Well...
971
00:44:19,354 --> 00:44:21,322
How would I go about selling?
972
00:44:22,257 --> 00:44:23,815
Selling them?
- Yeah.
973
00:44:24,259 --> 00:44:26,989
Well, I don't know about selling
them but I can make a few disappear.
974
00:44:27,095 --> 00:44:28,426
You know what I'm saying?
975
00:44:29,397 --> 00:44:30,728
I don't want to do that.
976
00:44:30,832 --> 00:44:32,800
I don't want to do that, either.
977
00:44:33,034 --> 00:44:34,467
Just kidding.
978
00:44:40,775 --> 00:44:43,539
DIRECTOR: Scene D is up!
Let's go on a bell. Yo Teach!
979
00:44:43,645 --> 00:44:44,634
(BUZZING)
980
00:44:44,746 --> 00:44:45,940
And action!
981
00:44:46,047 --> 00:44:47,947
All right now...
Bradford!
982
00:44:48,049 --> 00:44:49,676
Yeah?
What is this?
983
00:44:51,768 --> 00:44:53,030
Bo's English test.
984
00:44:53,136 --> 00:44:54,467
Well, there's a mistake.
985
00:44:55,405 --> 00:44:57,066
Well, yeah, there
are lots of mistakes.
986
00:44:57,173 --> 00:44:58,800
That's why there's an F on it.
987
00:44:58,908 --> 00:45:02,400
PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass,
he can't play in the big game Friday.
988
00:45:02,512 --> 00:45:04,139
Either you
make this right,
989
00:45:04,247 --> 00:45:09,082
or you'll be spending the summer
teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk!
990
00:45:10,387 --> 00:45:11,615
Shit.
991
00:45:11,721 --> 00:45:13,018
I can't be a part of this.
I'm not...
992
00:45:13,123 --> 00:45:14,351
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
993
00:45:15,759 --> 00:45:17,283
This is just so painful,
though, isn't it?
994
00:45:17,394 --> 00:45:19,692
Yes, I want to kill myself.
995
00:45:20,597 --> 00:45:23,088
So, where are you from, originally?
You just moved here, right?
996
00:45:23,199 --> 00:45:24,860
Yep. Delaware.
997
00:45:24,968 --> 00:45:27,869
Delaware! Our first
state in the Union.
998
00:45:27,971 --> 00:45:29,438
Yes, it is.
999
00:45:29,739 --> 00:45:31,866
That's great.
No sales tax in Delaware, right?
1000
00:45:31,975 --> 00:45:33,636
Yeah, there's not.
That's weird.
1001
00:45:33,743 --> 00:45:35,643
You know so much
about Delaware.
1002
00:45:35,745 --> 00:45:37,337
You fucking Joe Biden?
1003
00:45:37,447 --> 00:45:39,415
He's from Delaware.
- See? I knew that.
1004
00:45:40,517 --> 00:45:42,849
Bo, you're a smart kid.
I've seen you rap.
1005
00:45:42,952 --> 00:45:44,078
Yeah!
MARK: All right?
1006
00:45:44,187 --> 00:45:46,678
Now, I am willing to give you a
makeup exam on this, all right?
1007
00:45:46,790 --> 00:45:48,052
Do you like music?
1008
00:45:48,158 --> 00:45:49,420
Did you just ask me
if I liked music?
1009
00:45:49,526 --> 00:45:52,290
Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware
that that's a weird question.
1010
00:45:52,395 --> 00:45:54,158
It's like asking me
if I like food.
1011
00:45:54,264 --> 00:45:56,255
That was my next question.
1012
00:45:56,499 --> 00:45:57,864
Yes.
- Good.
1013
00:45:57,967 --> 00:46:01,562
Wilco. Do you like Wilco?
Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre.
1014
00:46:01,671 --> 00:46:04,139
And I was just wondering if
you maybe wanted to go with me.
1015
00:46:04,240 --> 00:46:06,504
Yeah. I'll go. I'd be
into that. I like Wilco.
1016
00:46:06,609 --> 00:46:07,598
Great.
1017
00:46:07,710 --> 00:46:12,147
Okay, great, great. So, I guess
we will go to the show together.
1018
00:46:12,248 --> 00:46:13,613
Not anymore.
1019
00:46:14,717 --> 00:46:15,945
You serious?
1020
00:46:16,820 --> 00:46:18,515
No, I'll go.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.
1021
00:46:18,621 --> 00:46:19,610
Just don't say that ever again.
1022
00:46:19,722 --> 00:46:20,689
Okay. I won't.
1023
00:46:20,790 --> 00:46:22,280
Yo, Teach!
- Yeah?
1024
00:46:23,359 --> 00:46:24,417
Thanks.
1025
00:46:25,028 --> 00:46:25,995
Word.
1026
00:46:26,596 --> 00:46:32,662
(SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener
1027
00:46:32,769 --> 00:46:36,330
My name is Wiener
1028
00:46:36,940 --> 00:46:40,034
My name is Wiener
My name is Wiener
1029
00:46:40,143 --> 00:46:41,838
Don't call me wiener
1030
00:46:42,212 --> 00:46:45,511
Whatever.
You got any jokes for me, dum-dum?
1031
00:46:45,615 --> 00:46:47,674
Got some good ones,
I think, actually.
1032
00:46:48,051 --> 00:46:51,543
I have a thing about how,
like, you're rich, you know,
1033
00:46:51,654 --> 00:46:52,780
and so you bought
a private jet,
1034
00:46:52,889 --> 00:46:54,049
but you're afraid of flying,
1035
00:46:54,157 --> 00:46:55,124
so you just drive in it.
1036
00:46:55,225 --> 00:46:56,419
Oh, that's funny.
1037
00:46:56,526 --> 00:46:58,858
You just go to
drive-throughs and car washes.
1038
00:46:58,962 --> 00:47:01,624
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up
with the ending, but that was good.
1039
00:47:02,232 --> 00:47:05,793
I thought it could be funny about
your balls, you know, about how, like,
1040
00:47:05,902 --> 00:47:09,338
you're getting older and you found
the first gray hair on your balls.
1041
00:47:09,439 --> 00:47:11,669
And it really worried you, but
then you realized it was good
1042
00:47:11,774 --> 00:47:14,140
'cause it made your balls
look distinguished and smart.
1043
00:47:14,244 --> 00:47:17,702
Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed
jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe,
1044
00:47:17,814 --> 00:47:21,944
your balls could be like a character
Kevin Kline would play in a movie.
1045
00:47:22,051 --> 00:47:25,043
Yeah, that's funny,
that's funny. I could do that.
1046
00:47:25,155 --> 00:47:26,179
What else you got?
1047
00:47:26,289 --> 00:47:29,918
Actually, this just
kind of happened.
1048
00:47:30,994 --> 00:47:33,428
I'm making you
an iTunes playlist.
1049
00:47:33,530 --> 00:47:35,464
For what?
- Sometimes, when I'm upset,
1050
00:47:35,565 --> 00:47:39,001
music makes me feel a little
better, so I thought maybe...
1051
00:47:39,102 --> 00:47:40,626
Oh, it's a
cheer-me-up thing?
1052
00:47:40,737 --> 00:47:41,897
I was gonna just
put it on your iPod.
1053
00:47:42,005 --> 00:47:43,267
I don't have to
play it right now.
1054
00:47:43,373 --> 00:47:45,204
For what? For when I go out
jogging? I don't need to...
1055
00:47:45,308 --> 00:47:48,937
Let me hear it. I don't jog
anymore. Let me hear my playlist.
1056
00:47:50,747 --> 00:47:52,612
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
1057
00:47:57,253 --> 00:48:00,313
(WHISPERING) Ira! Ira!
1058
00:48:01,324 --> 00:48:03,155
Okay, you don't have
to make fun of it.
1059
00:48:03,259 --> 00:48:05,022
No, Bob Marley!
1060
00:48:05,128 --> 00:48:08,825
Yes. Everything is gonna be all right.
You're right, Ira.
1061
00:48:08,932 --> 00:48:11,958
Bob Marley had cancer.
Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley.
1062
00:48:12,068 --> 00:48:13,399
He dead now.
1063
00:48:13,503 --> 00:48:14,936
(LAUGHS) What else
you put on there for me?
1064
00:48:15,038 --> 00:48:16,437
I really don't want
to do this, George.
1065
00:48:16,539 --> 00:48:17,972
Can we just... I'll...
Just forget I did this.
1066
00:48:18,074 --> 00:48:19,473
Ignore it.
I'll erase it, okay?
1067
00:48:19,576 --> 00:48:23,535
No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear
what's gonna cheer me up! This is good.
1068
00:48:23,646 --> 00:48:25,136
Come on. What else you got?
1069
00:48:25,248 --> 00:48:26,579
Okay, here's the next one.
1070
00:48:26,683 --> 00:48:27,650
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1071
00:48:27,750 --> 00:48:33,245
(MOUTHING) Now I've had
the time of my life
1072
00:48:33,356 --> 00:48:36,154
No, I never felt
like this before
1073
00:48:36,259 --> 00:48:37,658
I don't know what
to say to that one.
1074
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,355
That's... That's just...
That's just fifth grade and...
1075
00:48:41,931 --> 00:48:44,900
Showing me your cock was embarrassing,
but this is okay?
1076
00:48:45,001 --> 00:48:46,798
Oh, God.
That's a good song.
1077
00:48:46,903 --> 00:48:50,066
(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else?
Give me more. This is... This is unbelievable.
1078
00:48:50,173 --> 00:48:51,868
(SIGHS) You sure you want
to hear another one?
1079
00:48:51,975 --> 00:48:52,964
I don't...
- Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
1080
00:48:53,076 --> 00:48:55,044
This is fun to be cheered up.
1081
00:48:55,144 --> 00:48:56,133
(SIGHS) I'm sorry...
1082
00:48:56,246 --> 00:48:58,237
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1083
00:49:01,317 --> 00:49:05,686
(SINGING) Shadows are falling
And I'm running out of breath
1084
00:49:06,823 --> 00:49:09,792
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1085
00:49:11,594 --> 00:49:16,361
If I leave you, it doesn't
mean I love you any less
1086
00:49:17,634 --> 00:49:20,694
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1087
00:49:22,372 --> 00:49:27,400
When you get up in the morning
And you see that crazy sun
1088
00:49:28,411 --> 00:49:31,403
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1089
00:49:33,383 --> 00:49:36,318
Just write me some jokes,
you stupid, fucking idiot.
1090
00:49:36,419 --> 00:49:37,977
Okay, I'm sorry.
1091
00:49:39,188 --> 00:49:42,180
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1092
00:49:42,325 --> 00:49:43,314
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1093
00:49:43,426 --> 00:49:45,792
So, I'm not married.
I don't think I'm ever gonna get married.
1094
00:49:45,895 --> 00:49:47,920
I just... I can't find
a reason to do it, you know?
1095
00:49:48,031 --> 00:49:49,430
Like, I got friends, like,
1096
00:49:49,532 --> 00:49:51,329
" You gotta get married.
My wife.
1097
00:49:51,501 --> 00:49:53,332
" My wife is a...
She's the best cook.
1098
00:49:53,436 --> 00:49:54,664
"My wife's the... You gotta."
1099
00:49:54,771 --> 00:49:57,137
And I'm like,
"My cook's the best cook."
1100
00:49:57,240 --> 00:49:59,367
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1101
00:49:59,475 --> 00:50:01,534
" But my wife,
she's my best friend. "
1102
00:50:02,412 --> 00:50:04,710
" Yeah, my cook's actually
a pretty good guy. " You know?
1103
00:50:05,648 --> 00:50:07,479
This could be funny.
1104
00:50:07,583 --> 00:50:11,417
Like, your dad didn't like you, so
he named you and your dog George.
1105
00:50:11,521 --> 00:50:13,512
He'd be like,
"Hey, George, come in here!
1106
00:50:13,923 --> 00:50:15,618
"Not you, the dog."
1107
00:50:16,159 --> 00:50:18,525
"George, I... Look at this
awesome book I just got!"
1108
00:50:18,628 --> 00:50:20,118
And then you come in, it's like,
"Not you, the dog."
1109
00:50:20,229 --> 00:50:21,218
That's funny.
- Yeah.
1110
00:50:21,331 --> 00:50:23,925
" Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you. "
- "Hey, thanks, Dad."
1111
00:50:24,033 --> 00:50:25,967
"Not you, the dog."
1112
00:50:26,069 --> 00:50:27,969
" Hey, George, I just put some peanut
butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You. "
1113
00:50:32,239 --> 00:50:33,706
Fuck him.
1114
00:50:33,807 --> 00:50:39,143
I miss the dry hump as a concept
in my life. It just doesn't...
1115
00:50:39,246 --> 00:50:43,080
I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't
need a big dick to be a good dry humper.
1116
00:50:43,183 --> 00:50:46,175
You just need a big thigh,
that's all you need.
1117
00:50:46,287 --> 00:50:49,222
Be able to get your thigh
in there real good.
1118
00:50:49,323 --> 00:50:52,190
I can thigh
the hell out of a girl.
1119
00:50:52,293 --> 00:50:56,389
Sexually, I'm completely terrible,
but I could do this all day.
1120
00:50:57,097 --> 00:51:02,034
I'm very rich, by the way. I know that
makes you fee good about your life.
1121
00:51:02,136 --> 00:51:03,296
I got so much.
1122
00:51:03,404 --> 00:51:06,032
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"You have so much. Why not me?"
1123
00:51:06,140 --> 00:51:08,870
I have people stop m on the
streets sometimes, just go,
1124
00:51:08,976 --> 00:51:13,072
"You have so much!"
"Yes, yes." "Why not me?"
1125
00:51:13,180 --> 00:51:14,147
Like, "I don't know."
1126
00:51:14,248 --> 00:51:19,015
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"Why you? I came out here to do what you do. "
1127
00:51:19,119 --> 00:51:20,086
"Well, you're not doing it."
1128
00:51:20,187 --> 00:51:22,018
" No, I'm not!
1129
00:51:22,122 --> 00:51:25,956
" Fuck you!
I want all your money and all your whores. "
1130
00:51:27,094 --> 00:51:29,085
Airplanes are
the last public place
1131
00:51:29,196 --> 00:51:31,664
where you can fart as loud
as you want and no one cares.
1132
00:51:32,099 --> 00:51:34,033
'Cause they don't... It's loud.
There's engine noise.
1133
00:51:34,134 --> 00:51:35,123
They just don't
know it's you.
1134
00:51:35,235 --> 00:51:37,863
Like, you could literally be
talking to someone you just met
1135
00:51:37,972 --> 00:51:39,837
and be sitting this
far away from them
1136
00:51:39,940 --> 00:51:42,500
and look them dead in the eye as
they talk about their grandson
1137
00:51:42,609 --> 00:51:45,476
and just fart as loud
as you humanly can. Just...
1138
00:51:45,579 --> 00:51:46,637
(IMITATING FART)
1139
00:51:46,747 --> 00:51:49,181
" Yeah? Where's
your grandson from?"
1140
00:51:49,283 --> 00:51:52,013
My asshole's been open this whole time.
It's just still...
1141
00:51:54,221 --> 00:51:57,987
Hey, can you help me with some of my
jokes when I... When I drop you off later?
1142
00:51:58,092 --> 00:51:59,491
Help you with some of your bits?
- Yeah.
1143
00:51:59,593 --> 00:52:01,527
No. I'm not gonna help you, man.
1144
00:52:01,628 --> 00:52:04,028
No one helped me when I started.
1145
00:52:04,131 --> 00:52:06,429
Fucking, I'm not paying to help
you, I'm paying you to help me.
1146
00:52:06,533 --> 00:52:08,398
No, okay.
You're right, you're right.
1147
00:52:08,502 --> 00:52:12,097
There is always the one girl out
there, though. The one that got away.
1148
00:52:12,206 --> 00:52:17,109
Guys have that and serial killers
have that. The one that got away.
1149
00:52:17,211 --> 00:52:22,376
" I had her, the trunk was
lined with garbage bags
1150
00:52:22,483 --> 00:52:24,383
"and then she got away."
1151
00:52:26,353 --> 00:52:28,753
I'm sick of rap songs
telling me what to do.
1152
00:52:30,124 --> 00:52:33,423
" Bend over. Slap your ass, girl.
Drop it like it's hot. "
1153
00:52:35,221 --> 00:52:36,347
Yeah, I'm gonna
write a song back.
1154
00:52:36,455 --> 00:52:40,858
I'm gonna be, like,
"Boy, brush your teeth!
1155
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:46,330
" Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off
your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!"
1156
00:52:47,767 --> 00:52:49,132
I masturbate so much
with hand cream,
1157
00:52:49,235 --> 00:52:52,830
I forget people use it for
shit other than masturbating.
1158
00:52:52,939 --> 00:52:55,134
Literally when I'm in public and
I see someone pull out hand cream,
1159
00:52:55,241 --> 00:52:57,971
I'm like, " This guy's
about to jerk off!"
1160
00:52:58,177 --> 00:52:59,201
Can I ask you something?
1161
00:52:59,312 --> 00:53:03,544
Is your act just designed to make sure
no girl will ever sleep with you again?
1162
00:53:03,649 --> 00:53:06,846
All you fucking talk about
is jacking off and farting.
1163
00:53:06,953 --> 00:53:08,648
You think a girl's gonna
come up to you after the show,
1164
00:53:09,055 --> 00:53:11,922
"Could you just jack off for
me and then fart in my face?"
1165
00:53:12,024 --> 00:53:14,925
It's fucking insane!
Do you want to get laid, ever?
1166
00:53:24,570 --> 00:53:29,473
(SINGING) How will you
people live without me?
1167
00:53:31,043 --> 00:53:35,742
Who will bring you joy
when I'm gone?
1168
00:53:37,717 --> 00:53:41,710
'Cause I'm one funny man
1169
00:53:42,021 --> 00:53:45,149
I bring the comedy
1170
00:53:45,258 --> 00:53:50,025
I am the one you go to,
to get cheered up
1171
00:53:50,129 --> 00:53:51,721
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
1172
00:53:52,198 --> 00:53:55,895
Put in my movies
1173
00:53:56,002 --> 00:54:02,134
Escape, if you will
To a land of loveliness
1174
00:54:05,144 --> 00:54:08,113
He doesn't have patience
1175
00:54:08,214 --> 00:54:14,642
He hates so many people
He's mad when others do well
1176
00:54:14,920 --> 00:54:21,223
He hates himself
Fuck George Simmons
1177
00:54:21,661 --> 00:54:24,858
He has a medium-sized penis
1178
00:54:24,964 --> 00:54:29,833
He fucked so many girls
And yet no one remembers
1179
00:54:30,303 --> 00:54:33,397
When he's done fucking them
1180
00:54:33,639 --> 00:54:37,040
The girl just
lays there and says
1181
00:54:37,143 --> 00:54:42,046
I should have fucked
Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you
1182
00:54:42,982 --> 00:54:48,045
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
1183
00:54:49,722 --> 00:54:54,182
George Simmons
soon will be gone
1184
00:54:57,296 --> 00:55:00,561
And he will not
miss you people at all.
1185
00:55:02,034 --> 00:55:05,492
Our relationship has
always been strained.
1186
00:55:05,604 --> 00:55:10,473
You always wanted too much
from me, and I'm very mad at you.
1187
00:55:11,377 --> 00:55:15,871
Leave me alone.
Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers.
1188
00:55:17,450 --> 00:55:18,576
Peace!
1189
00:55:19,518 --> 00:55:21,247
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
1190
00:55:23,322 --> 00:55:25,222
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1191
00:55:32,531 --> 00:55:33,998
IRA: Oh, my God,
it's George Simmons!
1192
00:55:34,900 --> 00:55:37,425
What are you doing here?
What's happening?
1193
00:55:37,536 --> 00:55:41,304
I couldn't sleep.
I want to get the Cavaliers game.
1194
00:55:41,407 --> 00:55:42,999
I can't get this
thing ever to work.
1195
00:55:43,109 --> 00:55:47,273
I was up all night, man. I had a
terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off.
1196
00:55:47,380 --> 00:55:49,848
I'm fucking hot one second
and cold one second
1197
00:55:49,949 --> 00:55:52,816
and the alc
don't work for shit.
1198
00:55:52,918 --> 00:55:55,944
It's always going
up to the roof.
1199
00:55:56,055 --> 00:55:57,249
What time is it?
1200
00:55:57,356 --> 00:55:58,846
It says 3:00.
1201
00:55:59,692 --> 00:56:04,288
It's 3:00? God damn it!
I can't fucking waste time. I gotta...
1202
00:56:06,599 --> 00:56:09,090
All right,
let's start my goddamn day.
1203
00:56:10,069 --> 00:56:11,502
I don't got time for this shit.
1204
00:56:11,604 --> 00:56:14,198
Let me have that
stupid clicker. Come on.
1205
00:56:16,742 --> 00:56:18,937
They keep telling me that
I gotta dial an extension.
1206
00:56:19,044 --> 00:56:22,912
I don't even have the fucking number
to dial for the fucking extension!
1207
00:56:23,015 --> 00:56:24,039
Do you want me
to try calling them?
1208
00:56:24,283 --> 00:56:25,750
You should have
fucking called them!
1209
00:56:25,851 --> 00:56:28,081
Where the fuck
were you last night?
1210
00:56:28,454 --> 00:56:29,478
You'll call them.
1211
00:56:29,588 --> 00:56:30,987
I'm sorry, man.
1212
00:56:31,090 --> 00:56:32,751
Just tell me what you need,
I'll get it done, okay?
1213
00:56:32,858 --> 00:56:35,918
You pay for all of this stuff
and none of it ever works!
1214
00:56:36,028 --> 00:56:38,895
Nothing!
I don't even think I'm sick!
1215
00:56:38,998 --> 00:56:41,831
These guys are trying
to fucking kill me!
1216
00:56:42,601 --> 00:56:45,832
I want to go to the doctor.
I gotta see this guy.
1217
00:56:45,938 --> 00:56:48,304
What the fuck is happening?
1218
00:56:49,809 --> 00:56:53,142
This medicine does not work.
It makes it worse!
1219
00:56:53,245 --> 00:56:55,338
Okay. I'll call them right now.
I'll tell them we're coming, okay?
1220
00:56:55,448 --> 00:56:57,040
Now. We gotta go now.
1221
00:56:57,149 --> 00:56:58,241
I'll call them
right now, okay?
1222
00:56:58,350 --> 00:57:00,250
Yeah.
I'll meet you downstairs.
1223
00:57:03,889 --> 00:57:06,551
(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
1224
00:57:08,894 --> 00:57:13,456
Please put away the video game.
Don't do that. Don't be rude.
1225
00:57:13,566 --> 00:57:14,533
I'm sorry.
1226
00:57:14,633 --> 00:57:15,600
Fucking playing Centipede?
1227
00:57:15,701 --> 00:57:17,032
What the fuck were you playing?
1228
00:57:17,136 --> 00:57:18,899
Just a driving game.
1229
00:57:20,539 --> 00:57:21,528
Hello, Mr. Simmons.
1230
00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:22,607
Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you.
1231
00:57:22,708 --> 00:57:23,766
How are you?
I brought my friend.
1232
00:57:23,876 --> 00:57:28,006
This is my... Well, my lover,
my life partner, my everything.
1233
00:57:28,113 --> 00:57:30,638
How are you? What's
going on? How we doing?
1234
00:57:30,749 --> 00:57:33,809
Well, your immune system is in the
middle of a very serious battle.
1235
00:57:34,386 --> 00:57:36,251
The medicine is trying
to combat the disease,
1236
00:57:36,355 --> 00:57:38,755
but in the process
it destroys healthy tissue
1237
00:57:38,858 --> 00:57:41,156
and disrupts healthy
functioning of your organs
1238
00:57:41,260 --> 00:57:43,728
and multiple
lymphatic systems,
1239
00:57:43,829 --> 00:57:45,956
so you're getting
attacked on two levels.
1240
00:57:46,298 --> 00:57:48,232
And we hope the disease
is vanquished
1241
00:57:48,334 --> 00:57:51,235
before it and the medicine does
damage which cannot be contained.
1242
00:57:51,670 --> 00:57:53,262
Okay.
1243
00:57:53,372 --> 00:57:54,999
Your accent is very thick.
1244
00:57:56,542 --> 00:57:57,839
You ever notice your accent
1245
00:57:57,943 --> 00:58:01,470
makes things sound worse than they...
Than they actually are?
1246
00:58:01,981 --> 00:58:04,176
You could give good news,
and I'd still be like,
1247
00:58:04,283 --> 00:58:05,978
"What happened?
Am I still dying?"
1248
00:58:06,919 --> 00:58:08,352
I'm just trying to help you.
1249
00:58:08,754 --> 00:58:11,052
I know you sound like a
regular Joe where you come from,
1250
00:58:11,156 --> 00:58:17,026
but here I keep thinking you're
gonna be torturing James Bond later.
1251
00:58:17,129 --> 00:58:21,031
I'm sure your sense of humor will
serve you well in this situation.
1252
00:58:21,433 --> 00:58:26,029
There he goes again. All so terrifying
because it came out of your mouth.
1253
00:58:26,539 --> 00:58:28,370
You are a very funny man.
1254
00:58:28,474 --> 00:58:30,738
Are you mad that you died
at the end of Die Hard?
1255
00:58:31,176 --> 00:58:33,610
I don't understand
the reference.
1256
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:37,241
He kind of looks like those two guys
in the second Matrix movie.
1257
00:58:37,650 --> 00:58:38,742
(CHUCKLES)
1258
00:58:38,851 --> 00:58:40,978
I assure you I was
not in The Matrix.
1259
00:58:41,086 --> 00:58:44,112
Why did you eat Bj�rn Borg?
What did he do to you?
1260
00:58:44,223 --> 00:58:47,989
If you have no other questions,
I do have other patients.
1261
00:58:48,093 --> 00:58:52,029
You have other patients that you have
to frighten by the end of the day?
1262
00:58:52,131 --> 00:58:53,598
How many patients
do you frighten a day?
1263
00:58:53,699 --> 00:58:56,566
And I am slowly getting
a little bit annoyed
1264
00:58:56,669 --> 00:59:00,366
by these humorous
activities from you guys.
1265
00:59:01,173 --> 00:59:02,140
So, I think you and...
1266
00:59:02,241 --> 00:59:03,765
We have discussed
this and I am very,
1267
00:59:03,876 --> 00:59:06,310
very sympathetic
to your recovery,
1268
00:59:06,545 --> 00:59:09,946
and I hope we will succeed
with what we are doing.
1269
00:59:10,049 --> 00:59:12,574
I've been trying to build this
cabinet I bought from you guys
1270
00:59:12,685 --> 00:59:14,846
for, like, six months
and I gotta...
1271
00:59:14,954 --> 00:59:16,819
IKEA? That's very funny.
1272
00:59:27,232 --> 00:59:29,132
Hey. Yo, Teach.
- Hey.
1273
00:59:30,936 --> 00:59:32,631
How's... How was the taping?
1274
00:59:32,738 --> 00:59:35,502
Great. Great, yeah.
I'm happy with it.
1275
00:59:35,608 --> 00:59:37,200
I think the ending
really murdered.
1276
00:59:37,309 --> 00:59:40,107
Was it a very
special episode?
1277
00:59:41,814 --> 00:59:44,248
You remember
Daisy, right?
1278
00:59:44,350 --> 00:59:45,578
Yeah, of course.
1279
00:59:46,085 --> 00:59:47,109
Hey.
1280
00:59:47,219 --> 00:59:48,481
MARK: I'm sorry.
1281
00:59:48,587 --> 00:59:50,214
I didn't know you'd
be coming home tonight.
1282
00:59:50,322 --> 00:59:53,018
I thought maybe you'd be spending
the night at George's and...
1283
00:59:53,125 --> 00:59:57,061
Guess it's been
more than 10 days, huh?
1284
00:59:57,162 --> 01:00:00,723
(SOFTLY) Yeah,
I gave you an extra 11.
1285
01:00:00,833 --> 01:00:01,959
What are you guys
talking about?
1286
01:00:02,067 --> 01:00:03,898
Nothing. Doesn't matter.
It's cool.
1287
01:00:04,003 --> 01:00:06,164
Don't give a shit.
Totally fine.
1288
01:00:11,076 --> 01:00:13,271
Hey. I saw the new
Harry Potter movie.
1289
01:00:14,980 --> 01:00:15,969
Harry's getting old.
1290
01:00:16,081 --> 01:00:17,048
He's, like, older than my dad.
1291
01:00:17,149 --> 01:00:18,616
They should call
him Harold Potter.
1292
01:00:19,485 --> 01:00:21,578
That Hermione's got
some big, old titties.
1293
01:00:25,491 --> 01:00:26,685
Whoa!
1294
01:00:26,792 --> 01:00:30,728
Did you two just bone?
I'm getting a little vibe here.
1295
01:00:30,829 --> 01:00:33,730
This is exciting.
Think I'm getting a quarter chub.
1296
01:00:34,233 --> 01:00:35,222
(SIGHS)
1297
01:00:35,334 --> 01:00:36,665
Why is Ira so upset?
1298
01:00:36,769 --> 01:00:39,135
It's been, like, way after 10 days.
1299
01:00:39,238 --> 01:00:42,298
He can't call dibs
on every girl he meets.
1300
01:00:42,675 --> 01:00:45,166
We were supposed to go out
on a date together.
1301
01:00:45,277 --> 01:00:47,905
We are going out on a date.
- I thought so.
1302
01:00:48,013 --> 01:00:49,173
We're not anymore! No!
1303
01:00:49,281 --> 01:00:50,270
Really?
1304
01:00:50,382 --> 01:00:54,478
'Cause after you fuck my roommate
that kind of ends it with me!
1305
01:00:54,620 --> 01:00:56,588
What are you talking about?
Don't treat me like that.
1306
01:00:57,089 --> 01:01:00,286
Just so you know how I'm
seeing you? You're a starfucker.
1307
01:01:00,392 --> 01:01:02,690
You're a girl who met
a star and then fucked him.
1308
01:01:02,795 --> 01:01:04,456
And he's not even
that famous!
1309
01:01:04,563 --> 01:01:07,726
What if like a real good-looking
celebrity was my roommate?
1310
01:01:07,833 --> 01:01:11,792
What if I lived with, you know,
James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?
1311
01:01:12,337 --> 01:01:14,635
I don't know. I probably would
fuck both of those people.
1312
01:01:14,740 --> 01:01:15,707
Don't say that.
1313
01:01:15,808 --> 01:01:17,400
I'm sorry!
Lower the bar a little bit.
1314
01:01:17,676 --> 01:01:19,200
I can't believe that!
1315
01:01:19,578 --> 01:01:20,806
(GROANS)
1316
01:01:20,913 --> 01:01:26,146
If a hot girl walked over here, naked,
and was like, "Do my body," you would.
1317
01:01:26,285 --> 01:01:27,650
You would have sex with her.
1318
01:01:27,753 --> 01:01:30,119
No, I'd feel really uncomfortable.
1319
01:01:30,255 --> 01:01:32,553
And then I might ask
her to a Wilco show.
1320
01:01:32,658 --> 01:01:37,027
Okay, then you're the first guy in the
world that I've ever met that's like that.
1321
01:01:37,529 --> 01:01:40,089
I thought you were the kind of
girl that would wait two months
1322
01:01:40,199 --> 01:01:41,223
and then have
sex with a guy.
1323
01:01:41,333 --> 01:01:42,300
I didn't think
you would just...
1324
01:01:42,401 --> 01:01:44,460
I'm an independent woman.
1325
01:01:44,570 --> 01:01:47,038
I'm allowed to fuck people.
1326
01:01:47,339 --> 01:01:50,400
Well, if I had known that, I would
have scheduled our date a lot sooner!
1327
01:01:52,111 --> 01:01:54,545
Give me a break.
I don't even know you.
1328
01:01:54,747 --> 01:01:57,682
This is the longest
conversation we've ever had.
1329
01:02:03,555 --> 01:02:08,424
Don't be mad at me.
I said I'd give you 10 days.
1330
01:02:08,527 --> 01:02:10,017
I gave you three weeks.
1331
01:02:13,432 --> 01:02:14,660
I thought you were joking, man.
1332
01:02:14,767 --> 01:02:17,235
I'm gonna be honest with you.
1333
01:02:17,336 --> 01:02:20,134
We... We... We want to fuck
every girl that we meet.
1334
01:02:21,507 --> 01:02:22,474
That's how it works.
1335
01:02:22,574 --> 01:02:25,600
If I didn't sleep with every girl
you wished you could sleep with,
1336
01:02:25,711 --> 01:02:27,303
I wouldn't sleep with anybody.
1337
01:02:27,412 --> 01:02:29,937
It's a communication breakdown.
We can fix this.
1338
01:02:30,482 --> 01:02:32,279
I don't care.
The fact that you had sex with her...
1339
01:02:32,384 --> 01:02:36,718
I can never do anything
like that with her.
1340
01:02:36,822 --> 01:02:41,122
So, you're really not gonna chase
this girl just because I was with her?
1341
01:02:41,226 --> 01:02:42,284
Yeah.
1342
01:02:43,028 --> 01:02:44,086
Huh.
1343
01:02:44,963 --> 01:02:47,090
It's kind of
insulting, on some level.
1344
01:02:49,935 --> 01:02:52,267
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
1345
01:02:53,105 --> 01:02:56,097
I wish I could, but I'm
going with Tobey Maguire.
1346
01:02:56,208 --> 01:02:58,802
I might play his little
brother in this movie.
1347
01:03:02,815 --> 01:03:03,804
(SIGHS)
1348
01:03:03,916 --> 01:03:05,474
I hope I get it.
1349
01:03:10,522 --> 01:03:14,014
GEORGE: Give me something. You didn't
get rid of them. What did you get rid of?
1350
01:03:14,126 --> 01:03:15,855
IRA: Well, I, you know,
I got a few good offers,
1351
01:03:15,961 --> 01:03:18,395
but honestly, I don't know how
much each car is worth and I...
1352
01:03:18,497 --> 01:03:20,362
They keep on wanting
to buy all of them
1353
01:03:20,465 --> 01:03:21,864
and it's hard for me to...
Don't make it a big deal.
1354
01:03:21,967 --> 01:03:24,800
Don't get a stomach-ache over it.
Just sell them.
1355
01:03:24,903 --> 01:03:26,097
Give it to a charity.
Move on.
1356
01:03:26,205 --> 01:03:27,172
Okay.
1357
01:03:27,339 --> 01:03:28,533
I just want to be
happy about
1358
01:03:28,640 --> 01:03:29,664
giving something
away, you know.
1359
01:03:29,775 --> 01:03:30,742
Okay.
1360
01:03:30,843 --> 01:03:31,810
So...
1361
01:03:33,445 --> 01:03:36,039
There's something I've really
been wanting to tell you, George.
1362
01:03:36,148 --> 01:03:37,240
Uh-oh.
1363
01:03:38,050 --> 01:03:39,278
Yeah.
1364
01:03:39,384 --> 01:03:43,878
I feel as though you need to tell someone
other than me about your condition.
1365
01:03:45,557 --> 01:03:47,024
I don't want to do that.
1366
01:03:47,125 --> 01:03:48,558
George, people care about you.
1367
01:03:48,660 --> 01:03:50,628
You have to let
them be there for you.
1368
01:03:51,597 --> 01:03:55,397
I tell somebody, then it's all gonna
change, and you can't get it back.
1369
01:03:56,201 --> 01:03:58,032
Everything's already
changed, George,
1370
01:03:58,136 --> 01:04:02,300
and the truth is soon you're
gonna start getting very sick
1371
01:04:02,407 --> 01:04:04,466
and you are gonna want
someone other than me there.
1372
01:04:05,010 --> 01:04:07,205
I mean, have you...
Have you even told your parents yet?
1373
01:04:07,312 --> 01:04:09,405
My parents are in their mid-70s.
1374
01:04:09,514 --> 01:04:12,176
They would drop dead
if they heard about this.
1375
01:04:12,284 --> 01:04:14,081
Friends. You must want
to tell your friends.
1376
01:04:14,186 --> 01:04:16,211
I don't really
have any friends.
1377
01:04:16,321 --> 01:04:18,619
I have people I shoot the
shit with and fuck around with,
1378
01:04:18,724 --> 01:04:20,521
but there's nobody
I'm really close with.
1379
01:04:20,626 --> 01:04:22,059
I've got showbiz friends.
1380
01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:25,596
Andy Dick isn't a friend.
He's just a guy you know.
1381
01:04:25,697 --> 01:04:28,165
You're my closest friend,
and I don't even like you.
1382
01:04:28,267 --> 01:04:29,256
(SIGHS)
1383
01:04:29,368 --> 01:04:31,427
You have to tell someone
other than me, man.
1384
01:04:31,536 --> 01:04:33,197
I can't be the only one who knows.
1385
01:04:33,305 --> 01:04:34,738
I've never dealt
with anything like this.
1386
01:04:34,840 --> 01:04:37,206
All my grandparents are alive.
1387
01:04:37,309 --> 01:04:40,676
Listen, this is not your job to cry.
Your job is to not cry.
1388
01:04:40,779 --> 01:04:43,714
I'm just trying to talk
to you man-to-man, George.
1389
01:04:43,849 --> 01:04:45,817
As a man, you are
crying right now.
1390
01:04:45,918 --> 01:04:46,907
I'm not crying.
1391
01:04:47,019 --> 01:04:49,283
People are gonna think we just
broke up or something, Ira.
1392
01:04:49,388 --> 01:04:51,049
Stop doing what you're doing.
1393
01:04:51,156 --> 01:04:52,145
Okay, I'll stop.
1394
01:04:52,257 --> 01:04:56,159
You're causing a scene.
You're making crazy faces now, Ira.
1395
01:04:56,762 --> 01:04:59,253
Open your eyes.
Stop crying.
1396
01:04:59,364 --> 01:05:00,353
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1397
01:05:00,465 --> 01:05:02,865
You're making noises now?
You look like the Incredible Hulk.
1398
01:05:02,968 --> 01:05:03,957
(SPLUTTERS)
1399
01:05:04,069 --> 01:05:05,934
Jesus, you're
spitting on my shrimp,
1400
01:05:06,038 --> 01:05:07,437
you asshole.
- I'm sorry.
1401
01:05:07,539 --> 01:05:08,699
(SNIFFLES)
1402
01:05:08,807 --> 01:05:09,774
God, I'm sorry.
1403
01:05:09,875 --> 01:05:10,864
Come on.
Wipe it off.
1404
01:05:11,677 --> 01:05:13,235
Jesus Christ.
1405
01:05:14,212 --> 01:05:16,544
I'm sorry, I just don't know.
1406
01:05:16,648 --> 01:05:17,945
This is the worst.
1407
01:05:18,050 --> 01:05:20,518
Why didn't I just get hit
by a fucking foul ball?
1408
01:05:21,586 --> 01:05:23,645
You ruined The Palm,
you fucking ass.
1409
01:05:26,291 --> 01:05:29,124
This could have been
the best meal, ever.
1410
01:05:30,295 --> 01:05:31,728
Should I get you
ice chips or something?
1411
01:05:31,830 --> 01:05:33,661
No, I'm good.
1412
01:05:34,433 --> 01:05:35,798
You never had any kids, huh?
1413
01:05:35,901 --> 01:05:37,425
No. No.
We didn't get to that.
1414
01:05:37,536 --> 01:05:39,026
I have three.
1415
01:05:39,137 --> 01:05:40,104
I know.
1416
01:05:40,205 --> 01:05:42,298
Three kids to carry
on the Dick legacy.
1417
01:05:42,407 --> 01:05:46,571
How the hell did you have any kids
with all the penises you've blown?
1418
01:05:46,678 --> 01:05:50,307
I sucked my own dick and
spit it into their vagina.
1419
01:05:51,917 --> 01:05:54,681
I mean, knowing that. Most people
just go through life asleep anyways.
1420
01:05:54,786 --> 01:05:56,879
Some of those people don't even
wake up until they get, you know,
1421
01:05:56,989 --> 01:05:58,354
the Dr. Death call, you know.
1422
01:05:58,457 --> 01:06:01,255
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"This is Dr. Death! You're going to die."
1423
01:06:01,360 --> 01:06:03,225
(RASPING) "Don't be afraid, George.
1424
01:06:03,328 --> 01:06:08,129
"It's just Death calling.
Cheer up, motherfucker!"
1425
01:06:08,734 --> 01:06:10,258
Yeah. Fuck negativity.
1426
01:06:10,369 --> 01:06:12,963
Fuck it in the ass
with a Chinese monkey!
1427
01:06:13,905 --> 01:06:15,896
I wish I wasn't so fucking
angry with you right now.
1428
01:06:16,675 --> 01:06:18,939
Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I wasn't a good brother.
1429
01:06:19,044 --> 01:06:20,409
You were a terrible brother.
1430
01:06:20,512 --> 01:06:21,911
You just left us and
you didn't care.
1431
01:06:22,014 --> 01:06:23,914
You didn't give a shit about us.
1432
01:06:24,016 --> 01:06:25,881
You don't even give a...
You moved to Kansas.
1433
01:06:25,984 --> 01:06:27,918
Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas?
- Yes.
1434
01:06:28,020 --> 01:06:30,511
I thought that's why you moved
there, so you didn't get visitors.
1435
01:06:30,622 --> 01:06:31,953
You're so fucking selfish.
1436
01:06:32,057 --> 01:06:33,046
I know.
1437
01:06:33,191 --> 01:06:36,251
You've only seen my son,
like, three times.
1438
01:06:36,361 --> 01:06:39,159
I send him fucking
DVDs all the time.
1439
01:06:39,264 --> 01:06:41,255
He doesn't want your DVDs.
1440
01:06:41,366 --> 01:06:42,924
He wants you to be
a part of his life.
1441
01:06:43,035 --> 01:06:45,026
He wants to be a part of yours.
1442
01:06:45,137 --> 01:06:47,571
Wow. This has been great.
1443
01:06:47,672 --> 01:06:51,506
I want to call Dad now and
just have more family time.
1444
01:06:51,710 --> 01:06:54,679
What did we ever do to you?
I'm not Dad.
1445
01:06:57,049 --> 01:06:59,381
You are right.
1446
01:06:59,484 --> 01:07:03,648
You're very, very nice, and
I'm sorry I don't know your son.
1447
01:07:03,755 --> 01:07:06,724
I'm sorry I don't
know you anymore.
1448
01:07:06,892 --> 01:07:09,019
I'm glad you
don't know me.
1449
01:07:09,127 --> 01:07:10,219
I wish I did.
1450
01:07:11,763 --> 01:07:14,630
You'd be let down,
believe me.
1451
01:07:22,774 --> 01:07:24,571
Oh, man.
1452
01:07:30,515 --> 01:07:32,005
Oh, God.
1453
01:07:35,187 --> 01:07:36,779
Who's that?
1454
01:07:36,888 --> 01:07:38,788
That's the girl
I was gonna marry...
1455
01:07:38,890 --> 01:07:40,016
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1456
01:07:40,125 --> 01:07:42,320
...but then she smartened up.
1457
01:07:43,195 --> 01:07:45,629
So, she's 10 and she's six.
1458
01:07:45,730 --> 01:07:48,096
GEORGE: So cute.
1459
01:07:48,200 --> 01:07:50,259
Jeez, she looks like you,
the little one, huh?
1460
01:07:50,368 --> 01:07:51,357
Yeah.
1461
01:07:51,470 --> 01:07:54,303
What's the matter?
Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him?
1462
01:07:54,406 --> 01:07:56,966
That's all Laura.
1463
01:07:57,142 --> 01:07:58,871
They fight a lot,
but they're cute.
1464
01:07:59,377 --> 01:08:03,143
Yeah.
Thank you so much for coming here.
1465
01:08:03,715 --> 01:08:04,977
I wanted to come.
I wanted to see you.
1466
01:08:05,083 --> 01:08:06,277
You didn't have
to come here.
1467
01:08:06,384 --> 01:08:09,080
You didn't have to.
I know it's stressful for you.
1468
01:08:09,521 --> 01:08:11,921
I'm just... I'm just...
I'm so sorry.
1469
01:08:12,457 --> 01:08:14,755
I'm so sorry about
everything I did.
1470
01:08:15,360 --> 01:08:18,022
You don't have to be sorry.
That was 12 years ago.
1471
01:08:18,130 --> 01:08:19,961
Everything worked out
for the best.
1472
01:08:20,065 --> 01:08:22,226
It's good. Look at your
life. This is great.
1473
01:08:22,634 --> 01:08:28,197
Yes. It's the best life.
I hate it. I hate it all.
1474
01:08:28,306 --> 01:08:29,466
I haven't been...
You don't hate it.
1475
01:08:29,574 --> 01:08:32,475
I'm addicted to it, I guess.
I keep doing it.
1476
01:08:32,911 --> 01:08:35,812
Hello, Wayne. This is Ira.
I'm calling to say
1477
01:08:35,914 --> 01:08:39,077
I don't think today is a good day
for you to come by and see George.
1478
01:08:39,384 --> 01:08:42,410
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call
when I know what the schedule looks like.
1479
01:08:42,521 --> 01:08:44,785
Thank you.
I'll talk to you soon.
1480
01:08:46,191 --> 01:08:48,386
You have a family now.
You have a family now.
1481
01:08:48,493 --> 01:08:51,257
I'm so happy. You did the
right thing. You moved on.
1482
01:08:51,363 --> 01:08:53,456
You got a good life.
1483
01:08:53,565 --> 01:08:56,693
And... And I just got
nothing, Laura. I hate that.
1484
01:08:56,801 --> 01:08:59,361
I hate that it could
have been me with you.
1485
01:08:59,471 --> 01:09:00,631
Don't do that, please?
1486
01:09:00,739 --> 01:09:02,366
I'm sorry. I just fucking...
1487
01:09:02,474 --> 01:09:04,840
You... I could have
had those kids with you.
1488
01:09:05,844 --> 01:09:09,473
How could you cheat on me?
I was so hot.
1489
01:09:09,581 --> 01:09:11,105
You were. You were
so hot. I don't know.
1490
01:09:11,216 --> 01:09:12,513
I was hot!
1491
01:09:12,617 --> 01:09:15,484
I don't even know what
the fuck I was doing.
1492
01:09:15,587 --> 01:09:20,115
I was just a stupid idiot.
I don't remember anybody else.
1493
01:09:20,225 --> 01:09:21,817
What was wrong with you?
I don't remember anybody else.
1494
01:09:21,927 --> 01:09:23,588
I only remember you.
I don't know.
1495
01:09:23,695 --> 01:09:26,630
I don't even know who they were,
who fucking ruined us.
1496
01:09:26,731 --> 01:09:29,928
They're not in my brain, ever.
It's like it didn't happen.
1497
01:09:30,035 --> 01:09:31,900
The only thing
that happened was us.
1498
01:09:32,003 --> 01:09:34,699
And you ran away
'cause you had to.
1499
01:09:34,806 --> 01:09:36,603
I had to go.
1500
01:09:36,708 --> 01:09:39,939
At the time, I just
couldn't do it anymore.
1501
01:09:40,045 --> 01:09:42,240
Yeah.
But you know what I realized?
1502
01:09:42,347 --> 01:09:43,974
I love my husband,
1503
01:09:45,383 --> 01:09:48,045
but it's just not the same.
1504
01:09:49,087 --> 01:09:52,716
And I loved you
so much and...
1505
01:09:54,292 --> 01:09:56,453
I know, I know,
I know, I know.
1506
01:09:56,561 --> 01:09:59,792
I have the same thing.
I have the same thing.
1507
01:09:59,898 --> 01:10:02,492
Don't feel bad.
Don't feel bad.
1508
01:10:02,634 --> 01:10:05,762
I love you. I love you.
I always loved you.
1509
01:10:05,870 --> 01:10:09,362
And the crazy thing is
he cheats on me, too.
1510
01:10:09,474 --> 01:10:10,441
I hate...
1511
01:10:10,542 --> 01:10:12,203
He's like an Australian you.
1512
01:10:13,011 --> 01:10:16,913
I fucking hate this guy.
Is he crazy?
1513
01:10:17,015 --> 01:10:20,212
It's just that
you were the one.
1514
01:10:20,318 --> 01:10:25,654
Just you are...
Were... Are the love...
1515
01:10:28,526 --> 01:10:32,360
Love of my life.
And I just love you.
1516
01:10:40,905 --> 01:10:43,271
Yeah, the hug was a
mistake, wasn't it?
1517
01:10:46,611 --> 01:10:48,738
You're not sick, are you?
1518
01:10:48,847 --> 01:10:51,907
You're just doing that
to get me down here, huh?
1519
01:10:52,250 --> 01:10:53,478
(LAUGHS)
1520
01:10:54,853 --> 01:10:56,377
There are those
hands again.
1521
01:10:56,488 --> 01:10:57,955
My big hands.
1522
01:10:58,089 --> 01:10:59,954
Always made
my penis look small.
1523
01:11:00,058 --> 01:11:01,047
(LAUGHING)
1524
01:11:01,159 --> 01:11:03,650
Thank you, hands,
for that complex.
1525
01:11:05,730 --> 01:11:08,164
Yes. Jeez.
1526
01:11:08,266 --> 01:11:13,738
The two of them together,
it was a guaranteed dwarfing.
1527
01:11:13,739 --> 01:11:14,227
Okay.
1528
01:11:14,339 --> 01:11:16,739
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
1529
01:11:21,980 --> 01:11:23,038
Yeah.
1530
01:11:25,183 --> 01:11:26,810
That was worth it.
1531
01:11:27,252 --> 01:11:29,152
We're into overtime now,
just so you know.
1532
01:11:29,254 --> 01:11:31,119
(LAUGHS) Jeez,
that came quick.
1533
01:11:31,222 --> 01:11:33,190
I wish that you guys
were really my friends
1534
01:11:33,291 --> 01:11:35,919
and I didn't have to
pay you to jam with me.
1535
01:11:37,429 --> 01:11:40,398
All right,
so let's keep going then.
1536
01:11:40,799 --> 01:11:42,790
(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
1537
01:11:53,645 --> 01:11:57,274
(SINGING) All my little
plans and schemes
1538
01:11:59,351 --> 01:12:03,617
Lost like some
forgotten dream
1539
01:12:05,090 --> 01:12:06,284
Seems like all I...
1540
01:12:06,391 --> 01:12:08,018
Diego.
- Yes, George?
1541
01:12:08,126 --> 01:12:09,855
The roses look terrific.
1542
01:12:09,961 --> 01:12:11,553
Thank you.
They sure look beautiful.
1543
01:12:11,663 --> 01:12:15,292
Only a guy with a big cock like
you could make roses this beautiful.
1544
01:12:16,735 --> 01:12:20,501
Don't need to be alone
1545
01:12:22,574 --> 01:12:26,340
No need to be alone
1546
01:12:29,381 --> 01:12:34,614
It's real love
It's real
1547
01:12:34,719 --> 01:12:37,085
Yes, it's real love
1548
01:12:37,188 --> 01:12:38,655
You doing stand-up at all?
1549
01:12:38,757 --> 01:12:41,248
This is actually the first time
I've left the house in three years.
1550
01:12:41,359 --> 01:12:42,849
But I will sometimes,
in my house,
1551
01:12:42,994 --> 01:12:45,087
in front of my kids,
I'll do five, six minutes.
1552
01:12:45,196 --> 01:12:47,562
Not good stuff. It's a lot
of "Where you from?" You know.
1553
01:12:47,665 --> 01:12:48,893
But, you know,
all kidding aside,
1554
01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:50,331
I know you're in a
terrible situation,
1555
01:12:50,435 --> 01:12:53,029
but even with that, you
look so much better than him.
1556
01:12:53,138 --> 01:12:54,765
(ALL LAUGHING)
1557
01:12:57,542 --> 01:13:01,808
(SINGING) The Kingdom
of Heaven is, is in your hands
1558
01:13:02,947 --> 01:13:07,543
I don't expect for you
to awake from your dreams
1559
01:13:07,652 --> 01:13:09,552
We watched your
last movie on video.
1560
01:13:09,888 --> 01:13:12,254
A man who is funny
doesn't have to work blue.
1561
01:13:12,390 --> 01:13:14,585
You don't... You don't have
to do trash to be funny.
1562
01:13:14,692 --> 01:13:16,091
I'll tell you who was
a great comedian.
1563
01:13:16,194 --> 01:13:17,559
Please say me. Who?
1564
01:13:17,662 --> 01:13:18,629
Jackie Gleason.
1565
01:13:18,730 --> 01:13:19,856
Yeah, of course.
1566
01:13:19,964 --> 01:13:22,057
You like him 'cause you
look like Art Carney.
1567
01:13:22,167 --> 01:13:23,532
(ALL LAUGH)
1568
01:13:24,936 --> 01:13:28,030
Gleason was terrific.
And you ain't so bad.
1569
01:13:28,139 --> 01:13:30,107
All right. Thank you, Pop. I know.
1570
01:13:30,208 --> 01:13:31,835
(SINGING) It's real
1571
01:13:31,976 --> 01:13:35,503
It's real love, oh, yeah
1572
01:13:35,780 --> 01:13:37,145
(INAUDIBLE)
1573
01:13:37,315 --> 01:13:42,048
It's real love, yeah
1574
01:13:43,054 --> 01:13:48,253
It's real love
It's real
1575
01:13:52,464 --> 01:13:55,228
I think I played it all wrong, Ira.
1576
01:13:55,366 --> 01:13:56,355
(SIGHS)
1577
01:13:56,468 --> 01:13:58,299
I played it all wrong.
1578
01:14:04,242 --> 01:14:07,234
Okay. He's here. We saw each other.
- Let me answer it. Mark.
1579
01:14:07,345 --> 01:14:09,506
Stop. Let me answer it.
Mark, man.
1580
01:14:10,048 --> 01:14:11,481
Move, bitch!
1581
01:14:11,583 --> 01:14:12,641
Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
1582
01:14:12,750 --> 01:14:14,115
Hey, what's up?
1583
01:14:14,219 --> 01:14:15,709
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Hey!
1584
01:14:15,820 --> 01:14:17,185
Mark.
Leo is the name I got.
1585
01:14:17,322 --> 01:14:18,789
How are you?
- Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach!
1586
01:14:18,890 --> 01:14:20,824
That's right!
- Yeah, right.
1587
01:14:21,326 --> 01:14:22,759
Oh, boy.
1588
01:14:22,894 --> 01:14:26,193
That movie's the best 'cause
you're a man then you're a baby
1589
01:14:26,297 --> 01:14:28,925
and then you learn to be a
man once you be... You need...
1590
01:14:29,033 --> 01:14:31,297
It takes becoming a baby
to learn how to become a man.
1591
01:14:31,970 --> 01:14:34,700
Yeah. Can we get you
a drink or some food?
1592
01:14:34,806 --> 01:14:37,138
No, no, no. Let me just walk
around and go through your shit.
1593
01:14:37,242 --> 01:14:38,641
(LAUGHS)
1594
01:14:39,110 --> 01:14:40,702
Hey, I'm Bo.
1595
01:14:40,812 --> 01:14:42,245
What's up, Bo?
I'm an actor, so...
1596
01:14:42,347 --> 01:14:45,145
Oh, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
1597
01:14:46,951 --> 01:14:47,975
GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot.
1598
01:14:48,086 --> 01:14:49,246
Really? Where?
1599
01:14:49,354 --> 01:14:53,484
Schmira, he has that... What's that,
the YouTubey thing that, that...
1600
01:14:53,791 --> 01:14:54,780
DAISY: The YouTube.
GEORGE: Yeah.
1601
01:14:54,893 --> 01:14:57,657
George and Daisy are here?
How the hell did that happen?
1602
01:14:57,829 --> 01:15:00,161
I didn't think George would
come, and who invited Daisy?
1603
01:15:00,265 --> 01:15:01,391
I invited her.
1604
01:15:01,499 --> 01:15:03,023
Are you still sleeping with Daisy?
1605
01:15:03,134 --> 01:15:04,601
No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy!
1606
01:15:04,736 --> 01:15:07,967
I have a new girlfriend now.
I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt.
1607
01:15:08,072 --> 01:15:09,061
Her name's Carla something.
1608
01:15:11,165 --> 01:15:12,996
Can I sit next to George at dinner?
1609
01:15:13,100 --> 01:15:15,034
Sit wherever the hell
you want to sit, man, why?
1610
01:15:15,169 --> 01:15:18,161
I feel like if I can just
make George crack up once,
1611
01:15:18,572 --> 01:15:19,971
it'll do huge
things for me, like...
1612
01:15:20,074 --> 01:15:21,336
What, you wrote
jokes for Thanksgiving?
1613
01:15:21,442 --> 01:15:22,568
I didn't write jokes.
1614
01:15:22,676 --> 01:15:24,405
I just wrote down
my funniest anecdotes
1615
01:15:24,512 --> 01:15:25,706
and punched them up
here and there.
1616
01:15:26,213 --> 01:15:30,513
Okay, I can't hide in the
kitchen all afternoon. I'm going.
1617
01:15:31,752 --> 01:15:33,515
My man. The Schmira.
1618
01:15:33,621 --> 01:15:35,054
Thanks for coming, man.
1619
01:15:35,156 --> 01:15:36,919
This is the best.
Where's your bedroom?
1620
01:15:37,291 --> 01:15:39,816
Well, get ready for a hike,
'cause you're standing in it.
1621
01:15:39,927 --> 01:15:41,827
No.
It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame.
1622
01:15:41,929 --> 01:15:43,260
Did you go to that Wilco show?
1623
01:15:43,364 --> 01:15:44,353
Yeah, did you?
1624
01:15:44,465 --> 01:15:47,332
(LAUGHS) No, actually, I didn't.
I scalped the tickets.
1625
01:15:47,802 --> 01:15:48,791
I made 100 bucks profit, so...
1626
01:15:48,903 --> 01:15:49,892
Oh. So, you owe me 50.
1627
01:15:53,356 --> 01:15:55,984
Okay, I guess I do.
Rain check, okay?
1628
01:15:56,092 --> 01:15:57,059
Money order.
1629
01:15:57,226 --> 01:15:58,352
Money order? That'll work.
Yeah.
1630
01:15:58,461 --> 01:16:00,258
PayPal? Are you on PayPal?
Yeah, PayPal it up.
1631
01:16:00,363 --> 01:16:02,923
Look at that, back and
forth, like a cute couple.
1632
01:16:03,032 --> 01:16:05,432
You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo.
1633
01:16:05,835 --> 01:16:09,464
You know, we actually had a date,
but then I had sex with that guy,
1634
01:16:09,572 --> 01:16:11,005
so Schmira broke it off.
1635
01:16:11,107 --> 01:16:12,096
GEORGE: You kidding me?
1636
01:16:12,208 --> 01:16:15,371
Don't worry, Ira. You know you're a
better lover than Pete Rose over there.
1637
01:16:15,478 --> 01:16:17,309
Look at him. He's got
the length and the width.
1638
01:16:17,413 --> 01:16:19,142
Imagine that dong of his.
1639
01:16:19,248 --> 01:16:21,409
I saw the tip of it one time.
Even that was too big for me.
1640
01:16:21,517 --> 01:16:23,178
No, it's very normal.
- Yeah.
1641
01:16:23,285 --> 01:16:24,513
So, you like big penises?
1642
01:16:24,620 --> 01:16:27,180
Well, you know, I have a
really skinny vagina, so...
1643
01:16:27,289 --> 01:16:29,086
If it's skinny, you should
try feeding it carbs.
1644
01:16:29,191 --> 01:16:30,783
(LAUGHING)
1645
01:16:30,893 --> 01:16:32,485
Yeah.
All right, well, jeez, you know what?
1646
01:16:32,595 --> 01:16:34,529
I'm gonna leave
you two alone, huh?
1647
01:16:34,630 --> 01:16:35,597
Yeah, okay.
1648
01:16:35,698 --> 01:16:36,790
I'm falling in love
with the both of you.
1649
01:16:36,899 --> 01:16:38,127
Let the awkwardness begin!
1650
01:16:38,234 --> 01:16:39,223
MAN: Love your work.
1651
01:16:39,335 --> 01:16:42,168
GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you
for shopping at Ralphs.
1652
01:16:42,271 --> 01:16:45,297
I'm sorry. I owe you an apology.
It's really weird what I did.
1653
01:16:45,408 --> 01:16:49,401
I basically yelled at you for cheating on me
before we had even had a real conversation.
1654
01:16:49,545 --> 01:16:52,571
So, I'm aware of that.
I know that's weird, and I'm sorry.
1655
01:16:52,681 --> 01:16:54,478
Well, it's not as weird
as getting drunk
1656
01:16:54,583 --> 01:16:57,279
and having sex with the guy
from Yo Teach! So...
1657
01:16:57,620 --> 01:17:00,783
It's okay. When I first moved
here, I blew Mr. Belvedere.
1658
01:17:00,990 --> 01:17:02,753
(LAUGHS)
So, everyone does that.
1659
01:17:03,159 --> 01:17:04,285
He's walking.
George is walking to us.
1660
01:17:04,393 --> 01:17:06,691
Hello, ladies.
1661
01:17:06,796 --> 01:17:10,459
So, Leo? What's the excuse
for not writing me jokes?
1662
01:17:11,133 --> 01:17:12,998
What?
You could have made money.
1663
01:17:13,102 --> 01:17:15,730
I told both you guys to write jokes
for me, and you decided not to.
1664
01:17:15,838 --> 01:17:19,433
What, did you have to go
to LensCrafters that day?
1665
01:17:19,542 --> 01:17:22,136
I was just joking.
I like your glasses.
1666
01:17:23,612 --> 01:17:26,740
He wanted both of us to write jokes
for him, and you didn't tell me?
1667
01:17:26,849 --> 01:17:29,545
I apologize. It's not worth,
like, losing your shit over, man.
1668
01:17:29,652 --> 01:17:30,744
What, you don't
think I like money?
1669
01:17:30,853 --> 01:17:32,150
You don't think
I like private jets?
1670
01:17:32,254 --> 01:17:35,018
You don't think I want a cool
job writing for George Simmons?
1671
01:17:35,124 --> 01:17:36,148
I just think
you're doing well.
1672
01:17:36,258 --> 01:17:38,886
You know, you're getting gigs
at the lmprov all the time.
1673
01:17:38,994 --> 01:17:40,461
You're gonna have
people writing for you.
1674
01:17:40,563 --> 01:17:43,361
You don't need to be writing
for other people, you know.
1675
01:17:43,466 --> 01:17:44,899
I know, I'm just...
I'm sorry, I just...
1676
01:17:45,000 --> 01:17:47,400
I wanted something for
myself and I just, you know...
1677
01:17:47,503 --> 01:17:50,199
It's just, you know,
fuck you, Ira!
1678
01:17:50,773 --> 01:17:52,263
Just 'cause you go
into faggy-apology mode
1679
01:17:52,374 --> 01:17:54,638
doesn't mean I'm gonna
forgive you right away!
1680
01:17:54,777 --> 01:17:58,838
Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same
thing you've been doing this whole time.
1681
01:17:58,948 --> 01:18:00,540
You're being competitive.
You do that all the time.
1682
01:18:00,649 --> 01:18:01,877
I'm doing it now, okay?
1683
01:18:01,984 --> 01:18:03,713
I didn't make it competitive!
- Yes, you did.
1684
01:18:03,819 --> 01:18:05,650
Have you ever had
to work for money? No.
1685
01:18:05,754 --> 01:18:07,312
You didn't work
at a coal mine, Ira!
1686
01:18:07,423 --> 01:18:10,187
You worked at a deli!
Stop crying about it!
1687
01:18:10,326 --> 01:18:12,954
I was only supposed to be on that
pull-out couch for six months!
1688
01:18:13,062 --> 01:18:15,053
And we were supposed to trade!
And we never did!
1689
01:18:15,164 --> 01:18:16,597
Yeah, we never did
switch after six months.
1690
01:18:16,699 --> 01:18:17,666
Yeah. Exactly.
1691
01:18:17,766 --> 01:18:19,256
You know why?
'Cause I pay rent, Ira!
1692
01:18:19,368 --> 01:18:20,801
You don't pay rent.
Your parents pay rent!
1693
01:18:20,903 --> 01:18:22,427
Why don't they move in?
It's your fault.
1694
01:18:22,538 --> 01:18:28,306
Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, Indians,
can we please stop fighting?
1695
01:18:28,444 --> 01:18:31,208
It's Thanksgiving. We have
guests inside. Please stop.
1696
01:18:31,313 --> 01:18:34,077
I'm not fighting anymore.
I'm done fighting.
1697
01:18:34,183 --> 01:18:36,083
Thank you.
LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker?
1698
01:18:36,185 --> 01:18:37,618
Why don't you go cup
George Simmons' balls
1699
01:18:37,720 --> 01:18:40,587
while you talk him to
sleep every night, Ira?
1700
01:18:40,689 --> 01:18:42,281
Leo.
1701
01:18:42,691 --> 01:18:43,658
Sorry.
1702
01:18:44,193 --> 01:18:47,720
I would let you do that, too.
My balls are for everybody.
1703
01:18:49,865 --> 01:18:53,460
Okay. It's starting to feel
like Thanksgiving around here.
1704
01:18:54,203 --> 01:18:55,295
Let's eat some food.
1705
01:19:01,210 --> 01:19:03,906
I can't believe you
screwed Daisy, man.
1706
01:19:05,414 --> 01:19:06,472
What?
1707
01:19:07,449 --> 01:19:10,748
So, does anybody want
to say grace or anything?
1708
01:19:10,853 --> 01:19:13,048
Leo's a good writer, apparently.
Come on, get up there.
1709
01:19:13,155 --> 01:19:14,679
Yeah, Leo.
1710
01:19:14,790 --> 01:19:16,155
MAN: Leo!
Do it, Leo.
1711
01:19:16,258 --> 01:19:17,225
I'm okay,
I'm okay.
1712
01:19:17,326 --> 01:19:19,590
All right, let me go.
I'll do it for us.
1713
01:19:19,695 --> 01:19:21,754
Let me get it done.
1714
01:19:21,864 --> 01:19:26,665
Okay, so first let's give thanks
to our families not being here.
1715
01:19:26,769 --> 01:19:27,736
(ALL AGREEING)
1716
01:19:27,836 --> 01:19:30,737
It's always easier, always
easier without the family.
1717
01:19:31,574 --> 01:19:35,442
It's funny, I see you guys and you
are just so much younger than me.
1718
01:19:35,578 --> 01:19:38,809
And I had no idea I was the old
guy until I looked at you guys.
1719
01:19:40,382 --> 01:19:42,543
It was like when I was
growing up, I had a big nose.
1720
01:19:42,651 --> 01:19:45,916
I had no idea until I went to the
Gap and saw a three-way mirror,
1721
01:19:46,021 --> 01:19:48,489
and I was like, "Wow, I
didn't know I had that thing."
1722
01:19:48,591 --> 01:19:49,558
(ALL LAUGH)
1723
01:19:49,692 --> 01:19:53,150
Yeah. No, it's a...
It's good to be young.
1724
01:19:53,262 --> 01:19:55,992
It kind of sucks being old,
so just enjoy this.
1725
01:19:56,098 --> 01:20:00,091
Enjoy time. Time slips
away, I promise you.
1726
01:20:00,202 --> 01:20:03,660
I had a dinner
like this 20 years ago
1727
01:20:03,806 --> 01:20:07,867
with guys that we just, like,
lost touch with each other.
1728
01:20:07,977 --> 01:20:11,174
I never talk to them anymore.
Some of them are dead.
1729
01:20:12,014 --> 01:20:16,383
So, yeah, you don't...
Things slip away.
1730
01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:20,946
If you love somebody,
don't let them slip away.
1731
01:20:22,157 --> 01:20:24,022
I swear to you,
1732
01:20:24,126 --> 01:20:26,651
this will be your most
memorable Thanksgiving,
1733
01:20:26,795 --> 01:20:29,457
the one that you'll want the rest
of your life, the one that you say,
1734
01:20:29,565 --> 01:20:32,193
"Man, it was never
as good as that night."
1735
01:20:32,301 --> 01:20:36,704
So, let this night be great.
Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls.
1736
01:20:36,805 --> 01:20:38,397
(ALL LAUGHING)
1737
01:20:38,507 --> 01:20:39,531
Rock 'n' roll!
1738
01:20:40,843 --> 01:20:44,472
Jesus, every time I'm near you
I feel like fucking Danny DeVito.
1739
01:20:44,580 --> 01:20:47,310
Everybody feels like Danny DeVito
when, you know, they walk by me.
1740
01:20:47,416 --> 01:20:48,713
Yeah. You're a giant.
1741
01:20:48,817 --> 01:20:49,784
(CLEARS THROAT)
1742
01:20:49,885 --> 01:20:51,512
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well, yeah.
1743
01:20:52,154 --> 01:20:53,246
Um...
1744
01:20:53,822 --> 01:20:54,789
I don't want
to get your hopes up.
1745
01:20:54,890 --> 01:20:55,879
Mmm-hmm.
1746
01:20:55,991 --> 01:20:59,483
We put you on this experimental
medication without much optimism.
1747
01:20:59,595 --> 01:21:03,793
About 8% of all the people that we put
on this medication get positive results.
1748
01:21:03,899 --> 01:21:04,888
Mmm-hmm.
1749
01:21:05,000 --> 01:21:08,333
You actually belong to these 8%.
1750
01:21:08,437 --> 01:21:09,904
I looked through
your blood work,
1751
01:21:10,005 --> 01:21:12,940
and I couldn't find
any traces of the disease.
1752
01:21:13,942 --> 01:21:16,274
I don't want
to speak too soon,
1753
01:21:16,378 --> 01:21:17,902
but we may have
beaten this thing.
1754
01:21:21,020 --> 01:21:23,488
Are you fucking with me
'cause I fucked with you?
1755
01:21:23,589 --> 01:21:26,888
So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond.
1756
01:21:26,992 --> 01:21:28,482
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1757
01:21:29,328 --> 01:21:31,990
So, this is, this is...
This is good news.
1758
01:21:33,165 --> 01:21:35,133
Like my accent now?
1759
01:21:35,234 --> 01:21:36,997
Now I like your accent, yeah.
1760
01:21:37,669 --> 01:21:40,467
I was excited all morning
to tell you this news.
1761
01:21:40,973 --> 01:21:43,339
So, what happens now?
What do I... What do I do now?
1762
01:21:43,442 --> 01:21:47,173
Maybe you can make another funny
movie that I could laugh about.
1763
01:21:47,312 --> 01:21:52,579
Yeah. Wow. I wasn't
expecting this to really work.
1764
01:21:52,684 --> 01:21:54,015
I was getting
used to being sick.
1765
01:21:54,119 --> 01:21:57,020
I was actually thinking
I was pretty good at that.
1766
01:21:57,122 --> 01:21:59,056
Get back to your life.
1767
01:22:04,997 --> 01:22:07,158
(PHONE RINGING)
1768
01:22:07,266 --> 01:22:09,632
IRA: Hey, this is Ira.
I'm not in. Leave a message.
1769
01:22:09,735 --> 01:22:10,759
(PHONE BEEPS)
1770
01:22:10,869 --> 01:22:16,535
(SINGSONGY) Ira, I have a secret
to tell you. It will make you happy.
1771
01:22:35,527 --> 01:22:37,518
Hi. Bonita?
1772
01:22:37,629 --> 01:22:38,596
George.
1773
01:22:41,934 --> 01:22:45,097
I was sick, you know that.
And I just went to the doctor's.
1774
01:22:45,204 --> 01:22:47,399
He said I'm not sick anymore.
1775
01:22:47,506 --> 01:22:49,406
Oh, congratulations.
1776
01:22:52,744 --> 01:22:56,202
I found the pants you're looking for.
They are in the closet.
1777
01:22:58,484 --> 01:23:00,076
Thank you.
1778
01:23:01,186 --> 01:23:02,175
Bye, George.
1779
01:23:03,989 --> 01:23:06,287
George! Is it true?
1780
01:23:07,126 --> 01:23:08,423
It's true.
- Yes!
1781
01:23:08,527 --> 01:23:10,154
It's all right. All right, go ahead.
- Yeah!
1782
01:23:10,262 --> 01:23:11,229
All right.
1783
01:23:11,330 --> 01:23:14,299
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God! Yeah!
1784
01:23:14,399 --> 01:23:15,491
All right, baby.
1785
01:23:15,601 --> 01:23:18,832
All right, all right.
Now what the fuck do we do?
1786
01:23:21,006 --> 01:23:23,099
Hey, congratulations, George.
That's awesome, man.
1787
01:23:23,208 --> 01:23:24,869
Thank you.
You got cured of AIDS.
1788
01:23:25,010 --> 01:23:26,238
(LAUGHS) I didn't have AIDS.
1789
01:23:26,345 --> 01:23:27,437
Hey, let me get you a cocktail.
1790
01:23:27,546 --> 01:23:29,070
Hey, not an AIDS cocktail.
A regular.
1791
01:23:29,181 --> 01:23:30,671
No, I don't want a drink.
I'm good.
1792
01:23:30,782 --> 01:23:33,376
I'm gonna get one
of them ribbons.
1793
01:23:33,986 --> 01:23:35,283
You're alive?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1794
01:23:35,387 --> 01:23:38,481
Unbelievable!
This guy. This guy, man.
1795
01:23:38,590 --> 01:23:42,526
You got the women, you got the
fame, and you can't fucking die!
1796
01:23:42,628 --> 01:23:44,823
Did you suck the devil's dick?
What is it, man?
1797
01:23:44,930 --> 01:23:45,988
I wanna know the secret.
1798
01:23:46,098 --> 01:23:47,793
I actually told a bunch
of people we did have sex,
1799
01:23:47,900 --> 01:23:49,299
so if you could
go along with that.
1800
01:23:49,401 --> 01:23:50,561
You did?
- Yes.
1801
01:23:50,669 --> 01:23:54,901
Everybody wants to fuck me,
but it's better that I don't
1802
01:23:55,007 --> 01:23:56,372
because you don't want...
1803
01:23:56,475 --> 01:23:58,636
The mystery is definitely
more flattering...
1804
01:23:58,744 --> 01:23:59,711
Yeah?
1805
01:23:59,811 --> 01:24:02,541
...and the reality
is so, like, flobbety.
1806
01:24:02,648 --> 01:24:04,343
Like not the word, but...
Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
1807
01:24:04,750 --> 01:24:06,684
Yeah, I look like this.
Like a sandwich.
1808
01:24:06,785 --> 01:24:08,548
Like a... There's,
like, meat coming.
1809
01:24:08,654 --> 01:24:09,643
(CHUCKLING)
1810
01:24:09,755 --> 01:24:11,814
That would have been...
I could get...
1811
01:24:11,924 --> 01:24:13,585
(EXCLAIMING)
Look at that!
1812
01:24:14,226 --> 01:24:15,921
"Yippee-ki-yay,
motherfucker!"
1813
01:24:16,028 --> 01:24:18,690
Shit! Shit! I didn't know you
had energy like that. Jesus...
1814
01:24:20,494 --> 01:24:22,985
How did he...
Like, how did he know he had it?
1815
01:24:23,731 --> 01:24:27,861
He was saying... He said that he was, like,
dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor,
1816
01:24:27,968 --> 01:24:30,937
and then he just got...
It was in his blood work.
1817
01:24:31,038 --> 01:24:33,370
That sucks 'cause
I get dizzy and tired.
1818
01:24:33,474 --> 01:24:34,441
Really?
1819
01:24:35,342 --> 01:24:37,902
Anybody... Anybody gets sick,
I think I'm going to get it.
1820
01:24:38,012 --> 01:24:40,105
Now, is it contagious?
It's not contagious?
1821
01:24:40,214 --> 01:24:41,203
No.
- Can you get it, like...
1822
01:24:41,315 --> 01:24:44,648
I hope not. I don't think so.
I've been around him a lot. I feel...
1823
01:24:44,752 --> 01:24:46,185
I feel...
I hope not, too, because
1824
01:24:46,287 --> 01:24:48,847
when you were talking, a little
bit of your spit hit my lip, so...
1825
01:24:48,956 --> 01:24:50,321
It did?
- Yeah. Not that you got it,
1826
01:24:50,424 --> 01:24:52,358
but he spits on your lip, you
spit on mine, next thing you know
1827
01:24:52,460 --> 01:24:54,826
I'm dead and my wife's
fucking George Lopez.
1828
01:24:55,196 --> 01:24:56,754
But I think the best thing
for you would be, you know...
1829
01:24:56,864 --> 01:24:58,525
The best cure,
besides the real cure,
1830
01:24:58,632 --> 01:25:02,363
is to get back to work
and do what you do.
1831
01:25:02,770 --> 01:25:04,738
There are stacks of offers
on my desk for you.
1832
01:25:04,839 --> 01:25:07,740
I mean, you can't swing a dead cat
without hitting an offer for you.
1833
01:25:07,842 --> 01:25:09,332
Oh, good.
Yeah, you ready for this?
1834
01:25:09,443 --> 01:25:11,468
Paul Rudd wants to do
a bromance with you.
1835
01:25:11,579 --> 01:25:14,639
I think I might... I just might
even not work for a little while.
1836
01:25:14,749 --> 01:25:16,239
I was thinking maybe just,
like, taking time off,
1837
01:25:16,350 --> 01:25:20,013
try to get myself in a
relationship with, like,
1838
01:25:20,121 --> 01:25:21,884
another human being,
a normal one.
1839
01:25:21,989 --> 01:25:23,047
Just see if I can
handle that.
1840
01:25:23,157 --> 01:25:24,454
Funny you should say that.
I've... 'Cause I invited someone.
1841
01:25:26,250 --> 01:25:28,343
Brought... Invited this woman here
today that I think you'd really like.
1842
01:25:28,452 --> 01:25:29,441
I think you'd really
hit it off with her.
1843
01:25:29,553 --> 01:25:31,987
She's... She's great.
She's something new for you.
1844
01:25:32,089 --> 01:25:34,284
A real person.
She's not a waitress.
1845
01:25:34,392 --> 01:25:35,586
She's not an actress.
1846
01:25:35,693 --> 01:25:36,660
All right, thanks.
1847
01:25:37,161 --> 01:25:41,029
You know, the Internet dating thing
actually... Actually kind of works.
1848
01:25:41,432 --> 01:25:42,399
That's good.
1849
01:25:42,500 --> 01:25:43,899
I've actually been
on a couple of JDates.
1850
01:25:44,001 --> 01:25:44,968
No way. What's that?
1851
01:25:45,069 --> 01:25:46,400
Yeah... What's a JDate?
1852
01:25:46,504 --> 01:25:48,495
What, is that an Internet
thing I should know about?
1853
01:25:48,606 --> 01:25:50,164
I'm not...
I don't do that shit.
1854
01:25:50,274 --> 01:25:53,368
It's a website where Jewish
people can find each other.
1855
01:25:53,477 --> 01:25:55,707
Really? A whole list of Jewish people?
- Yeah.
1856
01:25:55,813 --> 01:25:59,010
I didn't think Jewish people
liked to be on lists.
1857
01:26:00,584 --> 01:26:02,552
Because of the Holocaust.
1858
01:26:04,255 --> 01:26:05,813
Wow.
1859
01:26:05,923 --> 01:26:07,185
How's this going,
by the way?
1860
01:26:08,492 --> 01:26:10,585
It's been great to meet you.
1861
01:26:12,229 --> 01:26:15,027
You know what?
I think you fucked up.
1862
01:26:16,634 --> 01:26:17,601
How's that?
1863
01:26:17,702 --> 01:26:19,499
I think you fucked up.
I think...
1864
01:26:19,603 --> 01:26:20,627
(SIGHS)
1865
01:26:20,738 --> 01:26:22,569
I don't think you should
have took that medicine.
1866
01:26:22,673 --> 01:26:23,867
Why not?
1867
01:26:25,242 --> 01:26:28,211
I don't know. Personally, I think
you should have just let yourself die.
1868
01:26:28,346 --> 01:26:30,041
Honestly, man, what are...
What are you gonna do now?
1869
01:26:30,147 --> 01:26:32,240
Make another bullshit movie?
1870
01:26:32,350 --> 01:26:34,545
Fuck another chick
who doesn't like you?
1871
01:26:34,652 --> 01:26:36,745
You know? That was
your way out right there.
1872
01:26:36,854 --> 01:26:38,378
Hmm.
Now you're fucking stuck.
1873
01:26:38,489 --> 01:26:39,478
Yeah.
1874
01:26:39,590 --> 01:26:41,251
You're stuck just like me.
1875
01:26:41,359 --> 01:26:42,826
Can't go to fucking
Chuck E. Cheese.
1876
01:26:42,927 --> 01:26:45,452
I can't go to Target,
I can't go to Best Buy.
1877
01:26:45,596 --> 01:26:47,291
I can't go to fucking
Wal-Mart, Kmart.
1878
01:26:47,398 --> 01:26:49,059
You fucking name it,
I can't go there.
1879
01:26:49,200 --> 01:26:50,189
Yeah, that's true.
1880
01:26:50,301 --> 01:26:52,462
Everyone in this fucking room
is either staring at us,
1881
01:26:52,570 --> 01:26:54,060
wanting to take a fucking picture.
- Mmm-hmm.
1882
01:26:54,672 --> 01:26:55,934
Yeah. Got it.
1883
01:26:56,040 --> 01:26:57,029
E-mail that to me.
1884
01:26:57,141 --> 01:26:59,234
I will. That's awesome.
Yeah.
1885
01:26:59,343 --> 01:27:03,211
Who the fuck is that guy right there?
That fucking guy right there.
1886
01:27:03,414 --> 01:27:05,575
What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
1887
01:27:05,683 --> 01:27:06,945
Who? Ray, Ray who?
1888
01:27:07,051 --> 01:27:09,519
Ray Romano, the guy from
Everybody Loves Raymond.
1889
01:27:09,620 --> 01:27:10,712
I don't give a fuck
what show he's on.
1890
01:27:10,821 --> 01:27:12,652
I'll fuck this
motherfucker up, man!
1891
01:27:12,757 --> 01:27:14,884
Hey.
- Hey, Ray!
1892
01:27:14,992 --> 01:27:15,959
Hello, Marshall.
1893
01:27:16,060 --> 01:27:17,459
Fucking problem here, buddy?
1894
01:27:18,396 --> 01:27:21,422
Would you like to fuck me?
Is that what this is?
1895
01:27:21,532 --> 01:27:22,590
I don't get it, man.
What's going on?
1896
01:27:22,700 --> 01:27:25,794
Would you like me to fucking
bend over for you right now?
1897
01:27:25,903 --> 01:27:27,495
(WHISPERING) Say no.
- No, man.
1898
01:27:27,838 --> 01:27:28,998
(EXHALES)
1899
01:27:29,106 --> 01:27:30,596
I just gotta always
be on my toes, man.
1900
01:27:30,708 --> 01:27:31,675
You know?
1901
01:27:31,776 --> 01:27:33,141
(SCOFFS) I see that,
but not with Ray Romano.
1902
01:27:33,244 --> 01:27:34,871
This is why I don't
go out of the house.
1903
01:27:34,979 --> 01:27:37,243
I thought everybody loved you.
1904
01:27:38,682 --> 01:27:43,381
So, now that you got this, this second
chance, man, like, what do you want?
1905
01:27:43,487 --> 01:27:45,318
I kind of don't want anything.
1906
01:27:46,490 --> 01:27:48,321
So, then what are we celebrating?
1907
01:28:00,838 --> 01:28:01,805
Clarke?
1908
01:28:01,906 --> 01:28:02,873
(IMITATING PIRATE)
Yes, it's Clarke.
1909
01:28:02,973 --> 01:28:06,409
It's Clarke and I...
I'm calling to check on you, matey.
1910
01:28:06,510 --> 01:28:07,499
(LAUGHING)
1911
01:28:07,611 --> 01:28:08,805
Yeah.
1912
01:28:08,913 --> 01:28:13,782
I'm back from the sea.
It's fun to play with my didjeridu!
1913
01:28:13,884 --> 01:28:16,250
(IMITATING PIRATE) You sound
a little bit like a pirate.
1914
01:28:16,353 --> 01:28:19,789
Do I sound Australian?
Is this what Clarke sounds like?
1915
01:28:19,924 --> 01:28:22,358
That's a terrible
Australian accent.
1916
01:28:22,460 --> 01:28:23,449
What are you doing, Laura?
1917
01:28:23,561 --> 01:28:25,028
Am I bothering you? Is he there?
- No, no, no, no, no.
1918
01:28:25,129 --> 01:28:26,858
Am I supposed to hang up?
What's going on?
1919
01:28:27,064 --> 01:28:29,259
Clarke's away
for business in China.
1920
01:28:29,366 --> 01:28:32,028
Ah! Sent him out
for egg rolls again?
1921
01:28:32,136 --> 01:28:34,604
Are you guys all right?
What's going on?
1922
01:28:35,005 --> 01:28:36,905
Mable has her
recital tomorrow.
1923
01:28:37,007 --> 01:28:38,406
She's singing
Memory from Cats.
1924
01:28:38,509 --> 01:28:39,498
Oh, yeah?
1925
01:28:39,610 --> 01:28:40,804
You know that song,
Memory?
1926
01:28:40,911 --> 01:28:42,776
Yeah. I wish I could
be there to see that.
1927
01:28:42,880 --> 01:28:43,847
You can come.
1928
01:28:43,948 --> 01:28:45,916
I can come?
All right, I'm coming.
1929
01:28:46,016 --> 01:28:47,142
Your daughter will be
all right with that?
1930
01:28:47,251 --> 01:28:49,378
That I'm sitting right next
to you holding you tight?
1931
01:28:49,487 --> 01:28:52,081
Stop. How are you feeling?
1932
01:28:52,189 --> 01:28:54,054
I'm doing good. I'm doing...
1933
01:28:54,158 --> 01:28:55,989
It is what it is. I...
1934
01:28:56,093 --> 01:28:57,617
So, what happened
with your tests?
1935
01:28:58,262 --> 01:29:00,423
Laura, let's not
talk about all that.
1936
01:29:00,531 --> 01:29:01,657
What did
the doctor say?
1937
01:29:02,266 --> 01:29:06,396
The Swedish Nazi?
He never has good news.
1938
01:29:06,504 --> 01:29:09,200
It is what it is.
I don't want to talk about it.
1939
01:29:10,241 --> 01:29:12,607
Come on,
let's just talk about you.
1940
01:29:12,710 --> 01:29:15,110
What are you doing, Laura?
1941
01:29:15,212 --> 01:29:16,907
Do you want me
to talk you to sleep?
1942
01:29:17,381 --> 01:29:19,349
Oh, my God.
You remember.
1943
01:29:20,985 --> 01:29:22,247
You want me
to do that for you?
1944
01:29:22,353 --> 01:29:23,843
You will talk to me
while I try to go to sleep?
1945
01:29:23,954 --> 01:29:26,821
I'll put you on speakerphone.
That will be the best night of my life.
1946
01:29:26,924 --> 01:29:30,189
Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please.
Just talk to Laura.
1947
01:29:31,695 --> 01:29:32,719
IRA: Hello?
1948
01:29:32,830 --> 01:29:34,024
Hi, Ira.
1949
01:29:34,131 --> 01:29:35,120
Hey, how's it going?
1950
01:29:35,699 --> 01:29:37,326
Ira, you're my best friend.
1951
01:29:37,434 --> 01:29:38,992
(LAUGHS)
I like you, too.
1952
01:29:39,136 --> 01:29:40,899
You're my best friend.
1953
01:29:41,005 --> 01:29:42,734
You sound like you're
in a good mood, man.
1954
01:29:42,840 --> 01:29:45,308
(IMITATING PIRATE) I'm in a great mood
because we're setting sail today.
1955
01:29:45,409 --> 01:29:46,899
We're gonna do a gig together!
1956
01:29:47,011 --> 01:29:48,376
Ira and Georgie, finally
on the road!
1957
01:29:49,950 --> 01:29:53,511
Oh, we're setting sail, are
we? Where, where are we going?
1958
01:29:53,621 --> 01:29:58,024
We're going to the Port of San Francisco.
We set sail on the morrow.
1959
01:29:58,125 --> 01:29:59,490
How much time
am I supposed to do?
1960
01:29:59,593 --> 01:30:04,053
Oh, they've booked you to do a minute
for every inch of cock you have.
1961
01:30:04,165 --> 01:30:06,725
You'll be doing two and
a half to four minutes,
1962
01:30:06,834 --> 01:30:09,394
depending on your mood,
little Ira.
1963
01:30:09,870 --> 01:30:14,534
I was invited to a...
Or I was able to go to a fundraiser
1964
01:30:14,642 --> 01:30:17,133
for Barack Obama,
when he was running for president.
1965
01:30:17,778 --> 01:30:22,147
And you could walk
right up to him and I did.
1966
01:30:22,249 --> 01:30:26,151
And I prepared a smart
question and I was like,
1967
01:30:26,253 --> 01:30:32,817
" Senator Obama, when you were a student
in Boston, did you encounter any racism?"
1968
01:30:32,927 --> 01:30:38,888
And he said something really,
really interesting. He said...
1969
01:30:40,034 --> 01:30:42,127
He said, "I'm Kanye West."
1970
01:30:42,303 --> 01:30:44,533
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1971
01:30:47,942 --> 01:30:50,001
George, you have a visitor.
1972
01:30:50,111 --> 01:30:51,237
GEORGE: Oh.
1973
01:30:52,012 --> 01:30:53,912
Hi.
Whoa!
1974
01:30:54,014 --> 01:30:55,038
LAURA: Hello.
Wow.
1975
01:30:55,149 --> 01:30:56,514
Hey, hi!
- Hey!
1976
01:30:56,650 --> 01:30:58,015
All right.
How are you?
1977
01:30:58,119 --> 01:30:59,086
LAURA: I'm good.
1978
01:30:59,186 --> 01:31:01,017
I'm so psyched you came.
1979
01:31:01,122 --> 01:31:03,022
Wow, you look amazing!
- Thank you.
1980
01:31:03,124 --> 01:31:04,887
Beautiful.
- I think I overdressed.
1981
01:31:04,992 --> 01:31:06,220
No way.
You look incredible.
1982
01:31:06,327 --> 01:31:07,316
I just...
1983
01:31:07,428 --> 01:31:08,918
Where... Where is he?
Where is the Clarke?
1984
01:31:10,719 --> 01:31:14,348
The Clarke? He's out of town.
I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me,
1985
01:31:14,456 --> 01:31:16,549
but her son started
throwing up, so...
1986
01:31:16,658 --> 01:31:19,388
The husband's out of town,
baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll.
1987
01:31:19,495 --> 01:31:22,953
(LAUGHING)
I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
1988
01:31:23,065 --> 01:31:24,396
Anyway, I don't
want to keep you
1989
01:31:24,500 --> 01:31:25,524
or get in the way.
1990
01:31:25,634 --> 01:31:27,158
No, don't run away.
Come on, Ira, say hello.
1991
01:31:27,269 --> 01:31:28,236
Hey, Ira.
1992
01:31:28,337 --> 01:31:29,361
Hey, how's it going?
1993
01:31:29,471 --> 01:31:32,065
So, I'll let you go.
I just wanted to say hi.
1994
01:31:32,174 --> 01:31:33,971
No cursing.
Don't curse so much.
1995
01:31:34,076 --> 01:31:36,169
Okay, all right! Nothing
dirty. I don't know how.
1996
01:31:36,278 --> 01:31:39,304
You just cut my set in half, but
that's fine. All right, see you, kid.
1997
01:31:39,414 --> 01:31:40,381
Okay, good luck.
1998
01:31:40,482 --> 01:31:42,109
Thanks for coming.
1999
01:31:44,186 --> 01:31:47,451
You gotta tell her I'm better
at intermission, all right?
2000
01:31:47,556 --> 01:31:49,046
You haven't told her
that you're better?
2001
01:31:49,158 --> 01:31:50,853
No, I'm not good
at stuff like that.
2002
01:31:50,959 --> 01:31:53,052
Just... She'll be cool
with it. She'll be...
2003
01:31:53,162 --> 01:31:56,290
You're giving her good
news, she'll be happy.
2004
01:31:56,398 --> 01:31:57,695
We're gonna go by her
house tomorrow, too.
2005
01:31:57,800 --> 01:31:58,789
(SIGHS)
2006
01:31:58,901 --> 01:32:00,926
Yeah, we're just visiting her.
I just want to say hi,
2007
01:32:01,036 --> 01:32:02,970
see how she's doing, where
she lives, that kind of thing.
2008
01:32:03,272 --> 01:32:05,740
Why did you guys break up
in the first place?
2009
01:32:06,475 --> 01:32:07,840
I cheated on her.
2010
01:32:07,943 --> 01:32:09,774
Why would you
cheat on her?
2011
01:32:09,878 --> 01:32:13,041
It's easy not to cheat when no one
wants to fuck you, you judgmental prick.
2012
01:32:13,148 --> 01:32:14,172
Okay.
2013
01:32:15,644 --> 01:32:20,707
I have a theory that Tom Cruise,
David Beckham and Will Smith
2014
01:32:20,816 --> 01:32:22,807
have mooshed the heads
of their penises together.
2015
01:32:22,918 --> 01:32:24,647
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
2016
01:32:25,121 --> 01:32:26,349
I think that
this has happened.
2017
01:32:26,455 --> 01:32:28,082
I don't think it happened
in a gay way.
2018
01:32:28,190 --> 01:32:29,521
I think it just happened
out of boredom.
2019
01:32:29,625 --> 01:32:31,593
I think just
rich-dude boredom.
2020
01:32:31,694 --> 01:32:35,130
Just like, "What have we not done,
guys? We've done everything!"
2021
01:32:35,264 --> 01:32:37,732
" I'll tell you
one thing we haven't done. "
2022
01:32:37,833 --> 01:32:41,269
And I bet when it happened, it was
an epic occurrence. It was huge.
2023
01:32:41,403 --> 01:32:42,495
I think of it all the time.
2024
01:32:42,605 --> 01:32:44,903
I think first, you know,
David and Tom touched dick heads.
2025
01:32:45,007 --> 01:32:49,171
And it was easy, just zoonk.
Because there was a magnetic field to it.
2026
01:32:49,378 --> 01:32:51,141
And then Will Smith started
approaching with his dick
2027
01:32:51,247 --> 01:32:53,112
and, like, wind started
blowing in his face,
2028
01:32:53,215 --> 01:32:57,982
and paper started flying everywhere
and he just couldn't do it.
2029
01:32:58,087 --> 01:32:59,679
And they're like,
"Come on, Will, get it in there!"
2030
01:32:59,788 --> 01:33:01,153
"I can't do it!"
2031
01:33:01,257 --> 01:33:02,224
Beckham yells,
2032
01:33:02,324 --> 01:33:05,350
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the streams!
It's like Ghost Busters!"
2033
01:33:05,628 --> 01:33:07,960
And then he does it and
Flash by Queen starts playing.
2034
01:33:08,063 --> 01:33:09,428
It's just, Flash! Ahhh!
2035
01:33:09,832 --> 01:33:14,326
Light shoots into the sky!
That's how stars are born, I think.
2036
01:33:15,371 --> 01:33:19,068
Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good
night. Thank you, all, very much.
2037
01:33:26,081 --> 01:33:27,378
IRA: Hey.
How's it going?
2038
01:33:27,483 --> 01:33:28,745
That was so good!
2039
01:33:29,485 --> 01:33:31,112
You seem so surprised.
2040
01:33:31,220 --> 01:33:32,380
Well, you looked
so nervous before.
2041
01:33:32,488 --> 01:33:33,614
I was, actually.
2042
01:33:33,722 --> 01:33:34,746
That was good.
That was really good.
2043
01:33:34,857 --> 01:33:36,324
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
2044
01:33:36,425 --> 01:33:39,826
And the ball cleavage thing,
that was hilarious.
2045
01:33:39,962 --> 01:33:43,398
Classic stuff. Thank you.
Glad you're having fun.
2046
01:33:45,868 --> 01:33:47,836
George says that he's known
you for a while. How did...
2047
01:33:47,937 --> 01:33:49,768
Yeah.
How did you guys first hook up?
2048
01:33:49,872 --> 01:33:52,340
I was the hat-check girl at
the lmprov and I was an actress.
2049
01:33:52,675 --> 01:33:53,801
So, you kind of...
- Yeah, yeah.
2050
01:33:53,909 --> 01:33:57,003
That's good. What, were you
in anything I might've seen?
2051
01:33:57,112 --> 01:34:01,845
I did those, like,
Melrose Place and 90210.
2052
01:34:01,951 --> 01:34:02,918
Awesome.
2053
01:34:03,018 --> 01:34:04,076
I always played the bitch.
2054
01:34:04,186 --> 01:34:05,346
I wasn't that good, actually.
2055
01:34:05,454 --> 01:34:06,751
No, you must be a great actress,
2056
01:34:06,855 --> 01:34:08,413
'cause you're not
at all bitchy, so...
2057
01:34:08,524 --> 01:34:09,582
(LAUGHS)
2058
01:34:09,692 --> 01:34:10,750
Thanks, Ira.
2059
01:34:10,859 --> 01:34:15,660
Okay, look, I'm not...
Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you
2060
01:34:15,764 --> 01:34:18,460
what I'm about to tell you because George...
He doesn't want to jinx it.
2061
01:34:18,567 --> 01:34:22,867
It's not 100%, but the last
time that he went to the doctor,
2062
01:34:22,972 --> 01:34:26,965
they couldn't find any trace of the
disease in his blood work anymore,
2063
01:34:27,076 --> 01:34:29,636
so it seems like
he might be better.
2064
01:34:29,745 --> 01:34:30,734
What are you talking about?
2065
01:34:30,846 --> 01:34:32,074
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...
2066
01:34:32,181 --> 01:34:33,512
We think he might be okay.
2067
01:34:33,616 --> 01:34:35,709
... George Simmons!
2068
01:34:35,818 --> 01:34:37,513
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2069
01:34:46,962 --> 01:34:48,259
Thank you.
2070
01:34:48,364 --> 01:34:51,959
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.
2071
01:34:54,103 --> 01:34:55,934
It's great to be here.
2072
01:34:57,239 --> 01:35:00,072
It's great.
It's great to be alive!
2073
01:35:01,677 --> 01:35:04,612
Yeah, man. Thank you.
Right on. Okay.
2074
01:35:04,713 --> 01:35:05,805
MAN: Thank you
for coming, George!
2075
01:35:05,914 --> 01:35:06,938
Thank you. All right.
2076
01:35:07,049 --> 01:35:09,711
That's very nice.
Man, oh, man.
2077
01:35:10,452 --> 01:35:13,751
Any other 40-year-olds
out there tonight? In their 40s?
2078
01:35:13,856 --> 01:35:15,118
It's funny.
In your 20s you're like,
2079
01:35:15,224 --> 01:35:17,317
" Fuck you, man.
Fuck that shit.
2080
01:35:17,426 --> 01:35:19,860
" Fuck my parents.
I don't need none of that shit. "
2081
01:35:19,962 --> 01:35:21,657
In your 30s you're like,
"Fuck the President.
2082
01:35:21,764 --> 01:35:24,096
" Fuck that guy,
that fucking asshole. "
2083
01:35:24,199 --> 01:35:26,429
In your 40s you're like,
"I'm hungry.
2084
01:35:26,535 --> 01:35:27,661
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
2085
01:35:27,770 --> 01:35:29,761
" What do we have
in the fridge?"
2086
01:35:32,841 --> 01:35:37,005
So, yeah, I'm fucking
famous and rich, and it's crazy.
2087
01:35:38,013 --> 01:35:40,277
It's... You know why?
'Cause I hate rich people.
2088
01:35:40,382 --> 01:35:41,906
Fucking I'm rich
and I hate rich people.
2089
01:35:42,017 --> 01:35:44,178
I hate everything
I fucking do now.
2090
01:35:44,286 --> 01:35:45,378
I go to Hawaii, I'm like,
2091
01:35:45,487 --> 01:35:49,787
" You fucking snotty cocksucker,
going to Hawaii. "
2092
01:35:50,392 --> 01:35:54,328
Buy a new car, " La-di-da,
look who's got a new car. "
2093
01:35:54,997 --> 01:35:58,398
You know, I thought about
giving all my money, just giving it away,
2094
01:35:58,500 --> 01:36:01,765
but then I was like,
"What a rich-guy thing to do.
2095
01:36:04,006 --> 01:36:05,633
"Mr. Charitable."
2096
01:36:05,741 --> 01:36:06,935
(ALL LAUGHING)
2097
01:36:07,042 --> 01:36:09,442
Well, why didn't you tell me?
I was just here.
2098
01:36:09,545 --> 01:36:12,139
Laura, if I told you, you might not
have talked to me anymore, so I...
2099
01:36:12,247 --> 01:36:13,976
What are you talking about?
That's ridiculous.
2100
01:36:14,083 --> 01:36:15,948
I knew you forgave me
because I was sick
2101
01:36:16,051 --> 01:36:17,814
and there was no other way
you would forgive me.
2102
01:36:17,920 --> 01:36:19,217
I know,
but it's different now.
2103
01:36:19,321 --> 01:36:21,585
We've been talking...
What are you... No!
2104
01:36:21,690 --> 01:36:22,657
Really?
2105
01:36:22,758 --> 01:36:24,885
This is...
So, what are you... So, did the...
2106
01:36:25,294 --> 01:36:27,228
The doctor said I'm good.
I'm better for now.
2107
01:36:27,329 --> 01:36:28,626
I don't know what
the hell's gonna happen,
2108
01:36:28,731 --> 01:36:29,720
but for now the guy
said I'm good.
2109
01:36:32,322 --> 01:36:33,516
(SIGHS)
2110
01:36:33,990 --> 01:36:35,582
I'm so happy.
2111
01:36:35,692 --> 01:36:36,886
You are happy?
2112
01:36:37,961 --> 01:36:40,259
Mmm-hmm.
- God, thank you. Thank you.
2113
01:36:50,941 --> 01:36:53,000
All right. Yeah.
2114
01:36:54,277 --> 01:36:55,471
(SIGHS)
2115
01:36:58,415 --> 01:36:59,541
You okay, man?
2116
01:36:59,649 --> 01:37:01,082
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
2117
01:37:01,418 --> 01:37:02,407
(EXHALES)
2118
01:37:02,519 --> 01:37:03,508
I hope they got some food.
2119
01:37:03,787 --> 01:37:05,311
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
2120
01:37:05,956 --> 01:37:06,980
Hey, hey.
2121
01:37:07,123 --> 01:37:08,784
Hi!
- Hi.
2122
01:37:08,925 --> 01:37:12,292
I'm so glad you guys came.
Hello. Hi.
2123
01:37:12,395 --> 01:37:13,953
Good to see you. Wow.
Hi. How's it going?
2124
01:37:14,064 --> 01:37:15,031
Hello, Ira.
2125
01:37:15,131 --> 01:37:17,531
Oh! Thank you.
2126
01:37:18,702 --> 01:37:20,693
Jeez. Beautiful house!
2127
01:37:20,804 --> 01:37:21,771
Thank you.
2128
01:37:21,905 --> 01:37:23,964
How long have
you guys been here?
2129
01:37:24,074 --> 01:37:26,167
We've been here
about five years now.
2130
01:37:26,276 --> 01:37:27,265
(SNARLS)
2131
01:37:27,377 --> 01:37:28,344
What's up?
2132
01:37:28,445 --> 01:37:31,346
This is my friend, George.
And this is Ira.
2133
01:37:31,448 --> 01:37:32,608
This is Ingrid.
2134
01:37:32,716 --> 01:37:35,981
Wow! George didn't mention
you had a daughter.
2135
01:37:36,853 --> 01:37:38,252
GEORGE: Have you seen
any of my movies?
2136
01:37:38,355 --> 01:37:40,846
I saw the movie where
you had a baby body.
2137
01:37:40,991 --> 01:37:44,051
So, you saw Re-Do.
Can you do the face?
2138
01:37:45,495 --> 01:37:47,827
(BOTH BABBLING)
2139
01:37:52,369 --> 01:37:54,200
GEORGE: Hey, that's
a good impression.
2140
01:37:54,571 --> 01:37:56,232
Don't leave me
in the playroom!
2141
01:37:56,339 --> 01:37:58,739
This is my daughter, Mable.
She just got braces.
2142
01:37:58,875 --> 01:38:00,103
Oh, yeah?
Let me see them.
2143
01:38:00,610 --> 01:38:03,875
You mind if I eat a little bit
of that sandwich right there?
2144
01:38:05,582 --> 01:38:07,311
Ira?
- I'm... I'm full.
2145
01:38:07,417 --> 01:38:09,351
Do you guys want to play
the peanut-butter game?
2146
01:38:09,452 --> 01:38:11,545
It's fun.
You want to play?
2147
01:38:11,655 --> 01:38:13,054
Let's do it!
Ira?
2148
01:38:13,156 --> 01:38:14,316
Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah.
2149
01:38:14,424 --> 01:38:15,550
Let's do the peanut-butter game!
2150
01:38:15,659 --> 01:38:16,785
All right!
Hooray!
2151
01:38:16,893 --> 01:38:19,953
Peanut-butter game!
Peanut-butter game!
2152
01:38:20,163 --> 01:38:21,255
Okay, just put a little bit.
2153
01:38:21,364 --> 01:38:22,388
MABLE: Okay.
GEORGE: What's she doing?
2154
01:38:22,499 --> 01:38:23,466
A little bit.
2155
01:38:23,567 --> 01:38:24,795
(LAUGHING)
2156
01:38:24,901 --> 01:38:26,391
Okay, okay.
I think that's good.
2157
01:38:26,503 --> 01:38:29,370
This is what you guys do
in your free time? Okay.
2158
01:38:29,472 --> 01:38:30,803
MABLE: There he is!
GEORGE: Oh, boy.
2159
01:38:30,907 --> 01:38:31,874
LAURA: Come on.
2160
01:38:31,975 --> 01:38:33,203
(LAUGHING)
2161
01:38:33,310 --> 01:38:35,039
GEORGE: He got her.
He got her.
2162
01:38:35,145 --> 01:38:36,669
(EXCLAIMING)
2163
01:38:38,081 --> 01:38:40,345
Oh, so, you're supposed
to do it on the ears.
2164
01:38:40,483 --> 01:38:42,280
LAURA: George's turn!
Yeah! George's turn!
2165
01:38:42,385 --> 01:38:43,579
No. I don't want to do that.
2166
01:38:43,687 --> 01:38:45,211
LAURA: Yeah, George's turn!
No, Ira will go. Let Ira go.
2167
01:38:45,322 --> 01:38:46,687
No, no, George.
2168
01:38:46,790 --> 01:38:48,155
Come on.
- Okay, all right!
2169
01:38:48,758 --> 01:38:50,623
I just washed
my hair this morning.
2170
01:38:50,727 --> 01:38:52,388
BOTH: George! George!
George! George!
2171
01:38:53,396 --> 01:38:54,556
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
2172
01:38:54,664 --> 01:38:56,757
Oh, God!
2173
01:38:58,868 --> 01:38:59,857
No!
2174
01:38:59,970 --> 01:39:00,959
Just not the...
2175
01:39:01,071 --> 01:39:02,038
Look at this.
2176
01:39:02,138 --> 01:39:03,605
GEORGE: That's not the game!
2177
01:39:03,707 --> 01:39:05,504
(ALL CHEERING)
2178
01:39:09,579 --> 01:39:13,174
And we have a pond
with a Buddha and...
2179
01:39:13,283 --> 01:39:14,250
Wow!
2180
01:39:14,351 --> 01:39:15,978
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
2181
01:39:18,254 --> 01:39:19,619
Does that hurt?
2182
01:39:19,723 --> 01:39:22,521
So, what... Who is a good...
You're a good guy, you're a bad guy?
2183
01:39:22,626 --> 01:39:24,423
(EXCLAIMING)
2184
01:39:43,647 --> 01:39:47,310
Now I go.
2185
01:39:47,417 --> 01:39:48,816
And now I go.
2186
01:39:48,918 --> 01:39:51,054
You can't move.
You're stuck.
2187
01:39:51,154 --> 01:39:52,143
Ira.
IRA: Hey.
2188
01:39:52,255 --> 01:39:54,951
Hey, Laura asked if we want
to eat dinner here tonight.
2189
01:39:55,725 --> 01:39:58,785
Oh. Thank you.
What... We...
2190
01:39:58,895 --> 01:40:00,021
It's like an
eight-hour drive back.
2191
01:40:00,130 --> 01:40:02,758
We won't get home till like
5:00 in the morning that way.
2192
01:40:02,866 --> 01:40:03,890
GEORGE: We'll figure
something out.
2193
01:40:04,000 --> 01:40:07,697
So, we're gonna go to the grocery
store and get some food so I can cook.
2194
01:40:07,804 --> 01:40:09,669
Home-cooked meal. Perfect.
2195
01:40:09,773 --> 01:40:11,604
Okay. So, you're okay
to watch the girls?
2196
01:40:11,708 --> 01:40:13,403
Yeah, definitely.
I'm good with kids.
2197
01:40:13,510 --> 01:40:16,411
I was a... I was a Jewish summer
camp counselor for five years.
2198
01:40:16,513 --> 01:40:17,878
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
2199
01:40:17,981 --> 01:40:20,381
But I'm good with
non-Jewish kids, too.
2200
01:40:20,483 --> 01:40:22,781
Okay, so we'll be right back.
It's around the corner.
2201
01:40:22,886 --> 01:40:24,183
GEORGE: Very good.
2202
01:40:32,028 --> 01:40:34,861
Should I have worn my jogging shoes?
Where are we going?
2203
01:40:47,077 --> 01:40:48,942
You sure? You sure
you want to do this?
2204
01:40:49,045 --> 01:40:50,034
Mmm-hmm.
2205
01:40:50,146 --> 01:40:51,977
Wherever my husband is, he's
probably doing the same thing.
2206
01:40:52,082 --> 01:40:53,071
Mmm-hmm.
2207
01:40:53,183 --> 01:40:54,241
Okay.
2208
01:40:55,952 --> 01:40:56,919
Jesus.
2209
01:40:57,620 --> 01:40:58,814
(SIGHS)
2210
01:41:00,223 --> 01:41:01,781
Echo, echo, echo.
2211
01:41:01,891 --> 01:41:03,188
(LAUGHING)
2212
01:41:06,696 --> 01:41:07,788
You know, when
I broke up with you,
2213
01:41:07,897 --> 01:41:11,799
I tried to find somebody who
was the exact opposite of you.
2214
01:41:14,437 --> 01:41:16,905
But Clarke
is exactly like you.
2215
01:41:18,408 --> 01:41:21,809
It's like I'm programmed
to find the same person,
2216
01:41:22,846 --> 01:41:26,282
like there's some lesson I'm
supposed to learn from it all.
2217
01:41:27,884 --> 01:41:30,352
How many times
did you cheat on me?
2218
01:41:31,020 --> 01:41:33,989
I don't want
to paint a picture.
2219
01:41:34,090 --> 01:41:38,220
I was young and stupid, but
I changed, I swear to God.
2220
01:41:39,496 --> 01:41:41,987
How exactly
have you changed?
2221
01:41:42,132 --> 01:41:46,330
I got a peek at something most
people only get to see once.
2222
01:41:48,471 --> 01:41:50,996
You know, I went to a
psychic who told me that...
2223
01:41:51,107 --> 01:41:55,510
That you and I would get
back together when we were 70.
2224
01:41:55,612 --> 01:41:58,012
And she also said
not to eat any chicken.
2225
01:41:58,748 --> 01:42:00,238
Well, we couldn't wait.
2226
01:42:00,350 --> 01:42:01,476
Mmm-hmm.
2227
01:42:01,751 --> 01:42:04,982
You loved me before
anybody loved me.
2228
01:42:05,088 --> 01:42:06,055
I know.
2229
01:42:11,795 --> 01:42:15,162
This is the only place
that I ever wanted to be.
2230
01:42:16,132 --> 01:42:18,623
When is George gonna die?
2231
01:42:18,735 --> 01:42:20,726
George is gonna die?
2232
01:42:22,772 --> 01:42:24,933
No. Why would you guys say that?
2233
01:42:25,041 --> 01:42:28,204
I heard my mom talking to her friend
on the phone, and she was crying.
2234
01:42:28,311 --> 01:42:30,074
I don't want George to die.
2235
01:42:30,180 --> 01:42:31,807
Why do you care?
You just met him.
2236
01:42:31,915 --> 01:42:32,904
Shut up.
2237
01:42:33,016 --> 01:42:34,881
You shut up!
Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys.
2238
01:42:34,984 --> 01:42:36,383
George is not gonna die.
2239
01:42:36,486 --> 01:42:40,320
George, he was sick,
but he went to the doctor
2240
01:42:40,423 --> 01:42:41,947
and they gave him
different types of medicine
2241
01:42:42,058 --> 01:42:43,525
until they found
one that worked.
2242
01:42:43,626 --> 01:42:45,253
And now he's gonna
be just fine.
2243
01:42:45,361 --> 01:42:47,329
He's gonna live a really,
really long time.
2244
01:42:47,564 --> 01:42:49,555
I think my mommy loves him.
2245
01:42:50,733 --> 01:42:53,793
Well, you know,
we all love him.
2246
01:42:53,903 --> 01:42:55,370
He's made a lot
of great movies.
2247
01:42:55,471 --> 01:42:57,996
I think she loves him,
like, loves him.
2248
01:42:58,107 --> 01:43:00,166
INGRID: Love.
Love, love, love.
2249
01:43:00,276 --> 01:43:03,973
(SINGING) Love, love, love
They're gonna have a baby
2250
01:43:04,214 --> 01:43:08,981
They're gonna have a baby
Baby, marriage, love
2251
01:43:09,719 --> 01:43:12,483
They're gonna have
a little MerMan baby.
2252
01:43:17,327 --> 01:43:20,990
You saved my acting reel?
I was wondering where this was.
2253
01:43:21,097 --> 01:43:22,428
Why didn't you give this to me?
2254
01:43:22,532 --> 01:43:23,794
'Cause I was watching it.
2255
01:43:23,900 --> 01:43:26,664
You know, I always get the feeling
that you think I'm stupid or something.
2256
01:43:26,769 --> 01:43:28,930
LAURA: Look at my hair!
I look like a leprechaun.
2257
01:43:29,038 --> 01:43:30,130
No.
2258
01:43:30,240 --> 01:43:31,264
LAURA ON TV:
I am stupid.
2259
01:43:31,374 --> 01:43:33,535
Ooh! Is my voice
still that high?
2260
01:43:33,643 --> 01:43:36,908
No! No, no, no, no. No, but they
need you back in Munchkinville.
2261
01:43:37,013 --> 01:43:38,674
(LAUGHS) They miss the mayor.
2262
01:43:38,781 --> 01:43:40,009
LAURA: Shut up!
2263
01:43:40,416 --> 01:43:42,782
That was the best time in my life.
2264
01:43:43,253 --> 01:43:45,847
I got something else for you.
You might remember these.
2265
01:43:46,689 --> 01:43:48,816
(GASPS)
Please tell me you do!
2266
01:43:49,726 --> 01:43:51,125
Are these my favorite butt jeans?
2267
01:43:51,227 --> 01:43:52,592
Yes. Yes. Yes.
2268
01:43:52,729 --> 01:43:53,696
Really?
2269
01:43:53,796 --> 01:43:54,763
Yeah, you can have them back.
2270
01:43:54,864 --> 01:43:56,126
I'm so excited!
- Yeah.
2271
01:43:56,232 --> 01:43:57,699
Do you think they still fit me?
2272
01:43:57,800 --> 01:43:58,789
I guarantee it.
2273
01:43:58,902 --> 01:43:59,960
I'm so happy!
2274
01:44:00,069 --> 01:44:02,697
I guarantee it.
Get in those.
2275
01:44:02,805 --> 01:44:04,636
These used to kill me.
Oh, my God, they're so faded.
2276
01:44:04,741 --> 01:44:06,231
Oh, shit!
2277
01:44:06,342 --> 01:44:07,331
They fit!
2278
01:44:07,443 --> 01:44:08,808
They look good!
- Really?
2279
01:44:08,912 --> 01:44:10,436
Yeah, that's the same ass!
2280
01:44:10,546 --> 01:44:14,607
Fucking ass is perfect. Minus
that camel coming out the back.
2281
01:44:14,717 --> 01:44:16,844
(SINGING) Bump and groove it
2282
01:44:16,953 --> 01:44:19,717
To the left now
To the right, y'all
2283
01:44:19,822 --> 01:44:20,789
Slap that shit!
2284
01:44:20,890 --> 01:44:22,721
(BEATBOXING)
2285
01:44:23,293 --> 01:44:25,420
Look at that!
They're like Mom jeans.
2286
01:44:25,528 --> 01:44:29,055
Oh, yes. If Mom needed
to get banged again.
2287
01:44:29,165 --> 01:44:30,132
Thank you.
2288
01:44:30,233 --> 01:44:31,598
Yeah, get over here.
2289
01:44:35,638 --> 01:44:38,129
Don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
2290
01:44:43,713 --> 01:44:46,307
Oh! Hey, guys,
what took you so long?
2291
01:44:46,416 --> 01:44:48,907
We were checking out the town, man.
- Beautiful!
2292
01:44:49,018 --> 01:44:50,144
Where are the groceries?
2293
01:44:50,253 --> 01:44:53,313
We decided that eating
in might be more fun.
2294
01:44:53,990 --> 01:44:55,958
(SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't.
2295
01:44:56,059 --> 01:44:57,993
How could you do that, man? No.
2296
01:44:58,328 --> 01:45:00,193
I didn't do anything, Ira.
2297
01:45:00,296 --> 01:45:01,923
No, I know you did it.
I know you did.
2298
01:45:02,065 --> 01:45:04,431
All that's missing is your Popsicle.
Come on.
2299
01:45:04,534 --> 01:45:06,365
Ira, are you cranky right now?
2300
01:45:06,469 --> 01:45:07,663
Do you need food in your belly?
2301
01:45:07,770 --> 01:45:08,737
No.
2302
01:45:08,838 --> 01:45:10,471
Come on, we're gonna
order in a pizza.
2303
01:45:11,107 --> 01:45:14,167
(CARTOONISHLY) Of course,
Mr. Peters.
2304
01:45:14,277 --> 01:45:15,244
I'll be at the...
2305
01:45:15,345 --> 01:45:16,471
(COUGHS)
2306
01:45:16,579 --> 01:45:17,876
Lunch meeting.
2307
01:45:18,915 --> 01:45:21,213
You're serving seafood?
2308
01:45:21,317 --> 01:45:22,614
(WHIMPERING)
2309
01:45:23,853 --> 01:45:25,718
I love seafood!
2310
01:45:26,389 --> 01:45:28,152
Okay, see you there!
2311
01:45:30,293 --> 01:45:31,783
Pizza's here!
- Yeah.
2312
01:45:31,894 --> 01:45:33,293
I'll be right back.
- Yes.
2313
01:45:33,396 --> 01:45:35,091
I'm the pizza monster!
2314
01:45:35,198 --> 01:45:36,324
(EXCLAIMING)
2315
01:45:39,002 --> 01:45:40,970
Hi, honey!
2316
01:45:41,270 --> 01:45:42,635
Clarke.
Hi, sweetie.
2317
01:45:42,739 --> 01:45:44,934
Hi. What are you doing here?
2318
01:45:45,041 --> 01:45:46,736
Decided to surprise you.
2319
01:45:46,843 --> 01:45:49,607
The guy I was meant to have the
meeting with had a heart attack
2320
01:45:49,712 --> 01:45:50,974
while I was waiting
in reception for him.
2321
01:45:51,080 --> 01:45:52,513
It was unbelievable.
- Wow.
2322
01:45:52,615 --> 01:45:54,242
Next minute, this Chinese
George Clooney guy
2323
01:45:54,350 --> 01:45:55,612
comes running past
with, like, the...
2324
01:45:56,185 --> 01:45:57,413
What's it called?
A defibrillator?
2325
01:45:57,520 --> 01:45:58,817
Starts zapping him.
Right. Yeah, I've seen it.
2326
01:45:58,955 --> 01:46:01,287
It was like an episode of
ER, but with Chinamen.
2327
01:46:01,391 --> 01:46:03,382
I missed you.
2328
01:46:08,498 --> 01:46:09,465
I know you.
2329
01:46:09,565 --> 01:46:10,830
Yes.
2330
01:46:10,933 --> 01:46:12,059
(CLEARS THROAT)
2331
01:46:12,168 --> 01:46:13,362
How you doing?
2332
01:46:14,003 --> 01:46:15,265
This is George Simmons.
2333
01:46:15,371 --> 01:46:16,895
He had a big comedy
concert last night.
2334
01:46:17,006 --> 01:46:17,973
Oh, okay.
2335
01:46:18,241 --> 01:46:21,039
And so, I asked him
to pop by and come visit.
2336
01:46:22,311 --> 01:46:23,835
Hope that's good. I...
2337
01:46:23,946 --> 01:46:25,413
I love the
stand-up comedy.
2338
01:46:25,748 --> 01:46:27,340
Yeah, yeah.
How'd it go?
2339
01:46:27,450 --> 01:46:31,648
They didn't... They didn't boo me
off the stage, so that was a plus.
2340
01:46:31,754 --> 01:46:34,917
Yeah, they're a bunch of
bloody cheese eaters up here.
2341
01:46:35,024 --> 01:46:36,753
Yeah. No, they were
very nice. Yeah.
2342
01:46:36,859 --> 01:46:39,350
You have a...
You have a very nice family, man,
2343
01:46:39,462 --> 01:46:40,929
and a great, great home.
2344
01:46:41,030 --> 01:46:42,463
Thank you.
2345
01:46:42,565 --> 01:46:43,964
Well, it's good
to have you home.
2346
01:46:44,067 --> 01:46:45,591
The kids are dying
to see you if...
2347
01:46:45,701 --> 01:46:48,602
Ira's hungry for...
2348
01:46:48,704 --> 01:46:49,693
G'day. Clarke.
2349
01:46:49,806 --> 01:46:51,467
Good day, I'm Ira.
2350
01:46:51,574 --> 01:46:53,132
Your husband's here.
LAURA: Yeah. Yep.
2351
01:46:53,242 --> 01:46:56,700
Ira is George's opening act.
He's really funny.
2352
01:46:56,813 --> 01:46:58,644
Really?
He looks funny!
2353
01:46:59,615 --> 01:47:00,582
Thank you.
2354
01:47:00,683 --> 01:47:02,116
How'd you go last night?
2355
01:47:02,218 --> 01:47:04,743
You know, they didn't boo
me off or anything, so...
2356
01:47:04,854 --> 01:47:06,185
(SOFTLY) I just said that one.
2357
01:47:06,289 --> 01:47:08,086
It was great.
- Yeah.
2358
01:47:08,191 --> 01:47:10,386
They just popped by, I gave
them a tour of the house.
2359
01:47:10,493 --> 01:47:12,188
We were gonna have
dinner, but it's not...
2360
01:47:12,295 --> 01:47:14,354
It's probably better
that we do family dinner
2361
01:47:14,464 --> 01:47:15,590
since you're only
in town a few days.
2362
01:47:15,698 --> 01:47:16,756
No, stay.
- That's a great idea.
2363
01:47:16,866 --> 01:47:18,060
The more the merrier.
2364
01:47:18,167 --> 01:47:19,327
Okay. Let's do that.
2365
01:47:19,635 --> 01:47:21,125
Thank you.
LAURA: Great.
2366
01:47:21,237 --> 01:47:22,204
I'm gonna go
say hi to the kids.
2367
01:47:22,305 --> 01:47:23,772
Okay.
Okay.
2368
01:47:23,873 --> 01:47:25,340
(LAUGHS) That's hilarious.
2369
01:47:25,441 --> 01:47:27,636
You can't tell him that
you're better, okay?
2370
01:47:27,743 --> 01:47:30,007
He'll know that something
happened between us.
2371
01:47:30,113 --> 01:47:31,171
I won't.
Okay?
2372
01:47:31,280 --> 01:47:33,578
'Cause I've been married for
12 years now and I have kids.
2373
01:47:33,683 --> 01:47:35,913
And I can't just throw
it away this second, okay?
2374
01:47:36,185 --> 01:47:40,451
Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good
actor. You're a great actress.
2375
01:47:40,556 --> 01:47:43,548
Right. He hated you until he
found out that you were sick.
2376
01:47:43,659 --> 01:47:47,527
And if he knows that you were here and
that you're feeling better, he's gonna know.
2377
01:47:47,663 --> 01:47:48,721
So, don't say anything.
2378
01:47:48,831 --> 01:47:50,230
Okay, yeah, yeah.
2379
01:47:50,333 --> 01:47:52,096
Of course. Sure.
I'll do that.
2380
01:47:52,702 --> 01:47:55,034
People never thought China would
do that much business with the US,
2381
01:47:55,138 --> 01:47:57,663
but I never saw it as a big deal.
You look at it like this.
2382
01:47:57,773 --> 01:47:58,865
You've got a billion people.
2383
01:47:58,975 --> 01:48:00,442
We make all kinds of cool shit.
2384
01:48:00,543 --> 01:48:02,738
They find out about the cool shit,
like, on the Internet and stuff.
2385
01:48:02,845 --> 01:48:03,812
And they're gonna
want the cool shit.
2386
01:48:03,913 --> 01:48:05,676
Cool shit's universal.
2387
01:48:05,781 --> 01:48:08,011
China's been good, but I'm trying
to get into North Korea now.
2388
01:48:08,117 --> 01:48:09,641
That's the next...
That's, like, the next frontier.
2389
01:48:09,752 --> 01:48:11,481
Wow. Wow. North Korea?
- North Korea.
2390
01:48:11,621 --> 01:48:14,055
Those people would
blow you for a Wii Fit.
2391
01:48:14,157 --> 01:48:15,351
GEORGE: There you go.
2392
01:48:15,458 --> 01:48:17,221
This is really good pizza.
2393
01:48:17,326 --> 01:48:19,089
You know, they say, like,
New York has the best pizza
2394
01:48:19,195 --> 01:48:21,060
and I always thought
pizza in LA was only okay,
2395
01:48:21,164 --> 01:48:22,188
but who would have
thought, you know,
2396
01:48:22,298 --> 01:48:26,928
Marin County is where they were
really hiding the good pizza pies.
2397
01:48:28,804 --> 01:48:30,533
(IRA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
2398
01:48:32,875 --> 01:48:34,775
Clarke speaks fluent Chinese.
2399
01:48:34,877 --> 01:48:37,778
Really? Do you speak
Cantonese or Mandarin?
2400
01:48:37,880 --> 01:48:40,110
Oh, well played, Ira.
Mandarin.
2401
01:48:40,216 --> 01:48:41,911
Well gayed, Ira.
2402
01:48:42,018 --> 01:48:44,486
It's a bloody hard language,
though, George. Jesus.
2403
01:48:45,188 --> 01:48:46,416
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2404
01:48:46,522 --> 01:48:48,387
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2405
01:48:50,626 --> 01:48:52,321
(BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2406
01:48:52,428 --> 01:48:53,759
(REPEATING)
2407
01:49:01,771 --> 01:49:03,602
That was like a scene
from Deer Hunter.
2408
01:49:04,540 --> 01:49:06,565
(BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
2409
01:49:06,909 --> 01:49:09,173
Girls, you can go and watch TV.
2410
01:49:09,812 --> 01:49:12,474
Go on.
Whatever you want to watch.
2411
01:49:13,583 --> 01:49:16,609
So, George, how's
the fight going, mate?
2412
01:49:16,719 --> 01:49:17,686
How is it?
2413
01:49:17,787 --> 01:49:22,281
Clarke. This is not something that
he wants to talk about right now.
2414
01:49:22,391 --> 01:49:25,792
He has to think about
it every day of his life.
2415
01:49:25,895 --> 01:49:28,728
And he's taking a
break from it right now.
2416
01:49:28,831 --> 01:49:35,600
(CRYING) It's such a shame that
somebody who has brought so much joy
2417
01:49:35,705 --> 01:49:38,401
to so many people
has to go through this.
2418
01:49:39,342 --> 01:49:42,175
Shit. Shit.
2419
01:49:42,278 --> 01:49:43,267
I'm sorry, mate.
2420
01:49:43,379 --> 01:49:47,406
Laura. Laura.
We don't need to speak in code.
2421
01:49:47,516 --> 01:49:49,643
I'm sick. I think
about it all the time.
2422
01:49:49,752 --> 01:49:50,980
CLARKE: Mate,
I don't know how you do it.
2423
01:49:51,087 --> 01:49:53,578
I would be crying
in my panties if I was you.
2424
01:49:53,723 --> 01:49:55,714
I worship guys
like you, that attitude.
2425
01:49:55,825 --> 01:49:57,292
Have you considered
Eastern medicine?
2426
01:49:57,393 --> 01:50:00,226
Well, I don't know if this is
considered Eastern medicine,
2427
01:50:00,329 --> 01:50:02,422
but I've been eating
a lot of rhino cock.
2428
01:50:02,531 --> 01:50:06,365
If Clarke thinks it's the right
thing to do, let me chew some.
2429
01:50:06,469 --> 01:50:08,403
For the last time,
stop calling me Rhino.
2430
01:50:08,504 --> 01:50:09,971
(ALL LAUGHING)
2431
01:50:11,574 --> 01:50:13,371
George Simmons in my house!
2432
01:50:13,476 --> 01:50:17,537
Clarke took an herb once, and he
had heart palpitations and diarrhea.
2433
01:50:17,680 --> 01:50:19,113
No, it's true.
I shit myself, mate,
2434
01:50:19,215 --> 01:50:20,614
and I had a boner
at the same time.
2435
01:50:20,716 --> 01:50:22,081
(LAUGHING)
2436
01:50:23,252 --> 01:50:25,550
I want to take an herb that
makes me as good-looking as you.
2437
01:50:25,655 --> 01:50:27,247
Jesus Christ!
2438
01:50:27,356 --> 01:50:29,551
If I were you I'd be at home
all day fucking myself.
2439
01:50:29,659 --> 01:50:30,626
CLARKE: That's what I do!
2440
01:50:30,726 --> 01:50:32,387
(GEORGE LAUGHING)
2441
01:50:32,495 --> 01:50:34,690
All right! All right!
We're cooking.
2442
01:50:35,131 --> 01:50:36,655
He's really funny.
- Mmm-hmm.
2443
01:50:36,899 --> 01:50:38,491
I don't know why his movies
aren't funny, though.
2444
01:50:38,601 --> 01:50:40,091
That's weird, isn't it?
- Mmm-hmm.
2445
01:50:40,202 --> 01:50:41,692
He should put some of that
on the silver screen.
2446
01:50:41,804 --> 01:50:43,066
So, just one drink,
okay?
2447
01:50:43,172 --> 01:50:45,732
This isn't someone I want
to spend a lot of time with.
2448
01:50:45,841 --> 01:50:47,741
This?
This is the Australian me?
2449
01:50:47,843 --> 01:50:49,470
I'm so much better
than this fucking idiot.
2450
01:50:49,578 --> 01:50:50,806
He seems like
the nicest guy, ever.
2451
01:50:50,913 --> 01:50:52,710
He's trying to cure you
with herbs for God's sakes.
2452
01:50:52,815 --> 01:50:54,874
I can't leave her alone here.
I have to save her.
2453
01:50:54,984 --> 01:50:57,009
Save her from her beautiful
house and lovely husband
2454
01:50:57,119 --> 01:50:58,245
and delightful kids?
2455
01:50:58,354 --> 01:50:59,912
Her husband's a skipping,
cheating psycho.
2456
01:51:00,022 --> 01:51:01,546
You said nothing was
going on between you two.
2457
01:51:01,657 --> 01:51:03,522
The dog could tell
that you banged her.
2458
01:51:03,626 --> 01:51:04,854
And I'm getting nauseous
and sweaty. I can't...
2459
01:51:04,960 --> 01:51:08,020
Get away from me! Get away
from me! Go play with the kids.
2460
01:51:08,964 --> 01:51:10,090
(AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING)
2461
01:51:10,199 --> 01:51:12,827
WOMAN: Tim, are you
asking me out on a date?
2462
01:51:12,935 --> 01:51:14,368
Would you like
it to be a date?
2463
01:51:14,470 --> 01:51:16,267
Hey, bro,
so your doctor called
2464
01:51:16,372 --> 01:51:19,671
and he said it is contagious, but
only when inflamed, so you're cool.
2465
01:51:19,775 --> 01:51:20,764
(SCOFFS)
2466
01:51:20,876 --> 01:51:22,309
Also, I was trying
to do the laundry,
2467
01:51:22,411 --> 01:51:24,777
but I think I need to get some
industrial-strength detergent.
2468
01:51:24,880 --> 01:51:27,246
What's up with all the skid
marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.?
2469
01:51:27,350 --> 01:51:29,978
Wow, I think
I have a class.
2470
01:51:30,086 --> 01:51:31,383
You guys like this show?
2471
01:51:31,487 --> 01:51:32,613
BOTH: No!
2472
01:51:32,722 --> 01:51:34,815
It's the worst show, ever.
2473
01:51:34,924 --> 01:51:35,891
Good.
2474
01:51:36,692 --> 01:51:38,626
Here you go.
We're finished with the French shit.
2475
01:51:38,728 --> 01:51:40,286
We're into espa�ola!
2476
01:51:40,396 --> 01:51:41,920
All right.
2477
01:51:42,765 --> 01:51:44,426
China, man.
- Wow.
2478
01:51:44,533 --> 01:51:47,297
And you guys never see each
other, huh? That must be rough.
2479
01:51:47,403 --> 01:51:48,563
Right? Rough on the kids.
2480
01:51:48,671 --> 01:51:51,834
It's not ideal, but the
kids like to eat, so...
2481
01:51:52,174 --> 01:51:53,368
(LAUGHS)
2482
01:51:53,576 --> 01:51:56,501
You ever see this girl act before?
She was quite the actress.
2483
01:51:56,612 --> 01:51:58,477
Well, she's very good at
pretending she still loves me,
2484
01:51:58,581 --> 01:52:00,173
so she's pretty
good then, isn't she?
2485
01:52:00,282 --> 01:52:01,840
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am.
2486
01:52:03,018 --> 01:52:05,953
Can't say I watched much
of that Melrose Place stuff, though.
2487
01:52:06,055 --> 01:52:07,750
Although I did see the Party
of Five episode you were in.
2488
01:52:07,857 --> 01:52:09,825
It wasn't really
for me, you know.
2489
01:52:10,025 --> 01:52:15,019
Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz
for the lead part in The Mask.
2490
01:52:15,131 --> 01:52:17,224
Cameron Diaz!
That's my girl.
2491
01:52:17,333 --> 01:52:19,301
She's a bloody top
actress, isn't she?
2492
01:52:19,402 --> 01:52:22,132
Hey, what was that film she was in
with the bloody spuff in her hair?
2493
01:52:22,304 --> 01:52:23,430
Something About Mary!
2494
01:52:23,539 --> 01:52:24,528
(EXCLAIMING)
2495
01:52:24,640 --> 01:52:27,541
I love that movie!
She's so funny!
2496
01:52:27,643 --> 01:52:29,440
Just about shit my
panties in that one.
2497
01:52:29,645 --> 01:52:30,805
No, no, no, there's
not too many girls
2498
01:52:30,913 --> 01:52:34,440
that are this beautiful
and sexy and funny and...
2499
01:52:34,550 --> 01:52:35,812
She had the whole deal.
2500
01:52:35,918 --> 01:52:41,322
Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck!
I mean, come on.
2501
01:52:42,525 --> 01:52:43,583
See, if you had've
done that movie,
2502
01:52:43,692 --> 01:52:45,216
you could have had the
bloody spuff in your hair.
2503
01:52:45,327 --> 01:52:46,294
Look out.
2504
01:52:46,395 --> 01:52:47,362
CLARKE: What are you giving
me the evil eyes for?
2505
01:52:47,463 --> 01:52:48,589
You're such
a dick sometimes.
2506
01:52:48,697 --> 01:52:49,755
I'm not... Why?
2507
01:52:49,865 --> 01:52:50,854
Because.
2508
01:52:51,000 --> 01:52:53,833
CLARKE: I'm just saying you had
your crack, you had your go at it.
2509
01:52:53,936 --> 01:52:55,767
I feel like I didn't
reach my potential that...
2510
01:52:55,871 --> 01:52:57,133
Oh, please!
2511
01:52:57,239 --> 01:52:58,206
Oh, please, what?
2512
01:52:58,307 --> 01:52:59,433
I didn't reach
my potential, either!
2513
01:52:59,542 --> 01:53:00,839
I could have been
playing footie!
2514
01:53:00,943 --> 01:53:01,932
You weren't that good
2515
01:53:02,044 --> 01:53:03,170
at playing footie.
I was.
2516
01:53:03,279 --> 01:53:04,246
LAURA: You weren't.
2517
01:53:05,247 --> 01:53:08,648
You should thank me, George.
I took a bullet here for you.
2518
01:53:08,751 --> 01:53:11,686
All right, on that note, I'm
gonna head back to Los Angeles.
2519
01:53:11,787 --> 01:53:12,776
No, come on, stay.
2520
01:53:12,888 --> 01:53:13,855
No, it's fine.
I'll split.
2521
01:53:13,956 --> 01:53:14,980
It's early.
I've been here too long.
2522
01:53:15,090 --> 01:53:16,284
Schmira! We just started a bottle.
2523
01:53:16,392 --> 01:53:19,259
Nah, nah, nah. You guys
have been the best. Schmira!
2524
01:53:19,361 --> 01:53:21,921
Thank you so much
for having us, guys. Oh!
2525
01:53:22,064 --> 01:53:23,725
Shoot.
CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out.
2526
01:53:23,833 --> 01:53:24,800
God, I'm sorry, guys.
2527
01:53:24,900 --> 01:53:25,867
CLARKE: Someone's
had too much to drink.
2528
01:53:26,001 --> 01:53:28,993
Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your
pot by accident, that's all. I...
2529
01:53:29,338 --> 01:53:31,203
Hold it together there,
Schmira. I'm just a... Oh, God.
2530
01:53:31,307 --> 01:53:32,274
It's okay.
2531
01:53:32,374 --> 01:53:33,534
You're staying here.
You're not driving.
2532
01:53:33,642 --> 01:53:36,236
No way. We got a guest house,
two spare beds. Done.
2533
01:53:36,345 --> 01:53:37,937
You two, plenty of room to stay.
- No, no. Ira can drive.
2534
01:53:38,047 --> 01:53:39,412
He... You're fine
to drive, right, Ira?
2535
01:53:39,515 --> 01:53:41,312
I am. I just kicked
your begonias, that's all.
2536
01:53:41,417 --> 01:53:44,443
No way! I'm not having America's favorite
funnyman dead on the side of the road
2537
01:53:44,553 --> 01:53:46,111
'cause Schmira here's
had too much to drink.
2538
01:53:46,222 --> 01:53:47,348
George, you can
drive, right?
2539
01:53:47,456 --> 01:53:49,481
Bullshit!
You're staying here.
2540
01:53:49,625 --> 01:53:53,186
Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules
footie on the dish tonight.
2541
01:53:53,295 --> 01:53:54,660
Semi-final.
Saints versus Maggies.
2542
01:53:54,763 --> 01:53:56,924
Not that American shit.
I want you to see it.
2543
01:53:57,032 --> 01:54:00,058
One condition. You Aussie
pussies got any beer around here?
2544
01:54:00,169 --> 01:54:01,796
Yes, it's on...
2545
01:54:01,904 --> 01:54:03,064
(WHOOPS)
2546
01:54:03,172 --> 01:54:04,196
Yes!
2547
01:54:04,807 --> 01:54:06,798
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're
a small fucker or a big fucker,
2548
01:54:06,909 --> 01:54:09,070
you can play this game because
the small fuckers go in barreling
2549
01:54:09,178 --> 01:54:11,009
and they can get the ball over
and the boys are scrambling.
2550
01:54:11,113 --> 01:54:12,410
Now watch. The little
fuckers down there go.
2551
01:54:12,515 --> 01:54:14,449
There they are.
Big fuckers smack them.
2552
01:54:14,550 --> 01:54:16,984
Little fucker. Little fucker.
Off to a big fucker.
2553
01:54:17,086 --> 01:54:20,681
Now he's gonna go down to another
big fucker. I hate that big fucker.
2554
01:54:20,789 --> 01:54:21,756
Where are the black guys?
2555
01:54:21,857 --> 01:54:23,290
CLARKE: This is...
There's a couple out there.
2556
01:54:23,392 --> 01:54:24,791
I hate this team.
- Oh, yeah?
2557
01:54:24,894 --> 01:54:26,361
Magpies.
Hate the Maggies!
2558
01:54:26,462 --> 01:54:30,398
They're like... I don't know
what the equivalent in the NFL...
2559
01:54:30,566 --> 01:54:35,003
No helmets. No fucking helmets
'cause they're real men. See?
2560
01:54:35,104 --> 01:54:38,562
Love you. Just explaining the
game to them. They're loving it!
2561
01:54:43,679 --> 01:54:45,078
(MOUTHING)
2562
01:54:46,582 --> 01:54:48,072
Yeah, we gotta get
going, you know.
2563
01:54:48,183 --> 01:54:50,151
Are you sure
you can't stay?
2564
01:54:50,252 --> 01:54:51,810
We can't stay.
We can't stay.
2565
01:54:51,921 --> 01:54:54,890
Yeah, it's my... It's my
grandmother's 85th birthday.
2566
01:54:54,990 --> 01:54:55,957
We got family
coming in from all over.
2567
01:54:56,058 --> 01:54:57,025
GEORGE: That's right.
2568
01:54:57,126 --> 01:54:59,617
She just had a stroke.
In her leg.
2569
01:54:59,728 --> 01:55:00,990
So, you know,
we gotta get back.
2570
01:55:01,096 --> 01:55:02,063
Yeah.
2571
01:55:02,164 --> 01:55:03,791
That's too bad
you guys can't stay.
2572
01:55:03,899 --> 01:55:05,196
It is too bad.
2573
01:55:05,401 --> 01:55:07,733
Well, I wish I could say I was
gonna see you again, George,
2574
01:55:07,836 --> 01:55:09,770
but I can't really
say that, can I?
2575
01:55:09,872 --> 01:55:12,170
Yeah, yeah,
I guess you can't.
2576
01:55:12,274 --> 01:55:13,241
You don't have
to do that, honey.
2577
01:55:13,342 --> 01:55:15,640
No, I do have to do
this, honey. I do.
2578
01:55:15,744 --> 01:55:16,870
You know what, mate?
2579
01:55:16,979 --> 01:55:20,346
If there's one thing I've learned
from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese,
2580
01:55:20,449 --> 01:55:23,941
is to keep an open heart
and to speak the truth.
2581
01:55:24,053 --> 01:55:27,955
So, what I want to say to
you, George, is thank you.
2582
01:55:28,958 --> 01:55:32,792
Thank you for playing such
a big role in my wife's life.
2583
01:55:34,396 --> 01:55:36,364
It's been great
getting to know you.
2584
01:55:36,465 --> 01:55:41,368
And I wish you a peaceful journey from
here on in and over to the other side.
2585
01:55:41,470 --> 01:55:42,630
Come here, mate.
2586
01:55:42,738 --> 01:55:45,206
Okay, we're gonna
do this.
2587
01:55:46,575 --> 01:55:48,634
Thank you. Thank
you for everything.
2588
01:55:48,744 --> 01:55:49,711
All right.
2589
01:55:49,812 --> 01:55:50,938
Thank you.
2590
01:55:51,046 --> 01:55:53,276
All right,
I appreciate your having us.
2591
01:55:53,382 --> 01:55:56,613
Don't worry, Daddy.
He's not sick anymore.
2592
01:55:56,719 --> 01:55:57,947
Ira told us.
2593
01:55:58,053 --> 01:55:59,213
I didn't say that.
2594
01:55:59,321 --> 01:56:00,288
Yes, you did.
Yeah, you did.
2595
01:56:00,389 --> 01:56:02,323
When we were coloring.
IRA: No.
2596
01:56:02,424 --> 01:56:03,448
Yeah.
- Yeah.
2597
01:56:03,559 --> 01:56:04,583
IRA: That's not true, girls.
2598
01:56:04,693 --> 01:56:06,024
No, that's not true.
IRA: I did not say that.
2599
01:56:06,128 --> 01:56:07,425
I don't know what
they're talking about.
2600
01:56:07,529 --> 01:56:08,757
Liar.
2601
01:56:08,864 --> 01:56:10,729
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
2602
01:56:10,833 --> 01:56:13,097
They were freaking out.
They were worried about George.
2603
01:56:13,202 --> 01:56:15,295
I just said it so they wouldn't
be scared. It was just...
2604
01:56:15,404 --> 01:56:16,803
Kids, go inside.
2605
01:56:16,905 --> 01:56:18,839
Can we watch Borat?
- Yeah, you can.
2606
01:56:18,941 --> 01:56:20,340
INGRID: I don't wanna watch Borat.
- Yes, you... Come on.
2607
01:56:20,442 --> 01:56:21,875
See you guys.
2608
01:56:23,145 --> 01:56:26,171
What is going on around
here? Is that true?
2609
01:56:26,281 --> 01:56:28,511
I never said that
he was feeling better.
2610
01:56:28,617 --> 01:56:31,108
He just took some medicine
and it's looking good for him
2611
01:56:31,220 --> 01:56:32,619
because they can't
detect it in his blood,
2612
01:56:32,721 --> 01:56:35,189
but that doesn't mean
that he's better.
2613
01:56:35,290 --> 01:56:36,757
These things
are very tricky
2614
01:56:36,859 --> 01:56:39,987
and he didn't want to tell anybody
because he didn't want to jinx it!
2615
01:56:40,095 --> 01:56:41,460
Is that true that you
didn't want to jinx it?
2616
01:56:41,563 --> 01:56:43,588
Yeah. No, no, no, I...
Yeah, I'm very superstitious.
2617
01:56:43,699 --> 01:56:44,688
Mmm-hmm.
2618
01:56:44,800 --> 01:56:46,324
You're a terrible liar.
2619
01:56:46,435 --> 01:56:51,338
(IMITATING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
No, nothing's going on around here!
2620
01:56:51,440 --> 01:56:53,874
It's completely innocent.
2621
01:56:53,976 --> 01:56:55,409
I left me ring...
- What accent is that?
2622
01:56:55,511 --> 01:56:57,445
...on the side table.
- Jamaican?
2623
01:56:57,780 --> 01:56:59,873
Don't mock me.
I don't appreciate it.
2624
01:57:00,382 --> 01:57:02,543
Lots of people
go to massage parlors.
2625
01:57:02,651 --> 01:57:05,279
That doesn't mean I was
getting a rub-and-tug.
2626
01:57:05,387 --> 01:57:10,791
Those hairs on me jacket must've
fallen off the waiter's pussy.
2627
01:57:11,293 --> 01:57:12,885
What the hell has
gotten into you?
2628
01:57:12,995 --> 01:57:15,225
I was at a footie game!
2629
01:57:15,330 --> 01:57:16,922
Are you taking
the piss out of me?
2630
01:57:17,032 --> 01:57:21,765
I would never lie
to you, mate. Oi?
2631
01:57:22,771 --> 01:57:23,738
I'm not playing
this game with you.
2632
01:57:23,839 --> 01:57:26,307
This is stupid.
What a stupid game!
2633
01:57:27,176 --> 01:57:29,906
Clarke, let's tell
each other the truth.
2634
01:57:30,879 --> 01:57:31,846
Just come clean with me.
2635
01:57:31,947 --> 01:57:33,107
There's nothing to tell.
2636
01:57:33,215 --> 01:57:34,204
There's nothing to tell?
2637
01:57:34,316 --> 01:57:35,283
There's nothing to tell.
2638
01:57:35,384 --> 01:57:39,081
You will never tell me the truth.
That is a pussy move!
2639
01:57:39,188 --> 01:57:40,678
You know what?
I'm not doing this.
2640
01:57:40,789 --> 01:57:43,986
I'm not being put on a cross
for something I didn't even do!
2641
01:57:44,093 --> 01:57:45,253
Enjoy each other!
2642
01:57:45,360 --> 01:57:46,657
Go fuck your whores!
2643
01:57:47,362 --> 01:57:49,830
"Go fuck your whores"?
2644
01:57:57,673 --> 01:58:01,735
So, it's good that he left, and
this is a huge relief for me.
2645
01:58:01,844 --> 01:58:03,869
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
2646
01:58:03,979 --> 01:58:08,541
I don't need to be in a marriage
that is like that, so I'm fine.
2647
01:58:08,650 --> 01:58:11,949
I'm not worried about that.
I just want you to be okay.
2648
01:58:12,054 --> 01:58:13,180
I would be scared
if I was you right now.
2649
01:58:13,288 --> 01:58:14,277
Are you kidding me?
2650
01:58:14,389 --> 01:58:15,515
This is what
needed to happen.
2651
01:58:15,624 --> 01:58:17,057
I would run away.
2652
01:58:17,159 --> 01:58:18,126
No, I'm staying here.
2653
01:58:18,227 --> 01:58:19,194
Are you gonna run away?
2654
01:58:19,294 --> 01:58:21,990
Where am I running to?
Only if you come with me.
2655
01:58:22,097 --> 01:58:24,588
I really need
you around right now.
2656
01:58:24,700 --> 01:58:25,689
Yeah. Yeah.
2657
01:58:25,801 --> 01:58:26,859
Can you stay till Monday?
2658
01:58:26,969 --> 01:58:28,266
Absolutely.
2659
01:58:28,370 --> 01:58:30,770
Can't we just go and, like,
come back later, you know?
2660
01:58:30,873 --> 01:58:32,864
I mean, if this is
meant to be, it'll be.
2661
01:58:32,975 --> 01:58:34,567
We don't have to be
here right this second.
2662
01:58:34,676 --> 01:58:35,643
Can't we just go?
2663
01:58:35,744 --> 01:58:37,336
Man, I don't... I see...
2664
01:58:37,446 --> 01:58:40,711
Jesus Christ, every instinct in my
body is telling me to leave here, too.
2665
01:58:41,083 --> 01:58:42,050
Good.
2666
01:58:42,151 --> 01:58:43,550
But that's what led me
to this shitty life.
2667
01:58:43,652 --> 01:58:47,986
I gotta stay here. I gotta do
the right thing. I love her.
2668
01:58:48,090 --> 01:58:52,618
Right now, her husband is gonna
come back and murder us, man!
2669
01:58:52,728 --> 01:58:54,628
Did you see his arms?
They look like legs!
2670
01:58:54,730 --> 01:58:56,220
Shut up.
Don't be an idiot.
2671
01:58:56,331 --> 01:59:00,859
I'm not being an... Imagine that
you are a gigantic Australian man
2672
01:59:01,003 --> 01:59:03,767
and someone came into your
home and fucked your wife.
2673
01:59:03,872 --> 01:59:06,841
You would murder him and then you
would make a hat out of his skin
2674
01:59:07,009 --> 01:59:08,840
'cause that's what
Australians do. Let's go!
2675
01:59:09,077 --> 01:59:11,841
Ira, this is deep shit.
People get divorced.
2676
01:59:11,947 --> 01:59:15,474
They make mistakes,
they change their lives.
2677
01:59:16,718 --> 01:59:20,176
It's not that big of a deal.
She's married to an asshole.
2678
01:59:20,289 --> 01:59:22,257
She seems like
a crazy actress, man.
2679
01:59:22,357 --> 01:59:23,756
I don't know what
to tell you, man.
2680
01:59:23,859 --> 01:59:25,486
Am I not allowed
to be happy or something?
2681
01:59:25,594 --> 01:59:28,893
I've been living alone and
alone and alone. That's my life.
2682
01:59:28,997 --> 01:59:30,430
This is the only girl
I've ever loved
2683
01:59:30,532 --> 01:59:32,124
and I'm not supposed
to do anything about this?
2684
01:59:32,968 --> 01:59:34,299
When am I supposed
to be happy?
2685
01:59:34,403 --> 01:59:37,167
Why does everyone
else get to be happy?
2686
01:59:37,272 --> 01:59:40,173
Look, George, I'm just gonna
tell you this, as a friend.
2687
01:59:40,943 --> 01:59:43,639
From where I'm sitting
it seems like your happiness
2688
01:59:43,745 --> 01:59:46,612
might be coming at the cost
of destroying this family.
2689
01:59:47,583 --> 01:59:50,074
Okay, let me respond
to that, as your friend,
2690
01:59:50,185 --> 01:59:52,517
and let you know
you're not my friend.
2691
01:59:52,621 --> 01:59:54,555
You fucking work for me!
2692
01:59:54,656 --> 01:59:59,116
I didn't ask for your advice! You're
overstepping your boundaries, man!
2693
01:59:59,228 --> 02:00:01,389
Now go get me
a fucking Diet Coke!
2694
02:00:01,496 --> 02:00:04,090
And remind yourself
that's what you do for me!
2695
02:00:04,199 --> 02:00:05,461
Now get the fuck
out of here!
2696
02:00:05,567 --> 02:00:06,534
Fine.
2697
02:00:07,536 --> 02:00:10,437
Don't fucking leave! Sit down here!
I don't want to be alone.
2698
02:00:10,539 --> 02:00:12,268
Okay, fine.
2699
02:00:14,877 --> 02:00:15,844
This is Mark.
2700
02:00:15,944 --> 02:00:17,502
Hey, Mark, it's Ira.
How's it going, man?
2701
02:00:17,946 --> 02:00:20,847
Not too good. I didn't get the
part in the Tobey Maguire movie.
2702
02:00:20,949 --> 02:00:23,247
That doesn't matter. I have
a problem. I need help, okay?
2703
02:00:23,352 --> 02:00:24,478
Where have you been?
2704
02:00:24,586 --> 02:00:27,316
I'm in Marin County.
Northern California.
2705
02:00:27,422 --> 02:00:30,118
(SIGHS) Listen, I...
I have to tell you something.
2706
02:00:30,392 --> 02:00:32,053
Are you sitting down?
2707
02:00:32,160 --> 02:00:33,127
Yeah.
- Okay.
2708
02:00:34,162 --> 02:00:35,527
The other night
I went out to drinks
2709
02:00:35,631 --> 02:00:36,620
with the producers
of my show
2710
02:00:36,732 --> 02:00:38,461
and Leo met up with us.
2711
02:00:38,567 --> 02:00:40,762
And they were enamored by him and
they thought he was really funny.
2712
02:00:40,869 --> 02:00:43,702
And they offered him a part on
Yo Teach! and he took it.
2713
02:00:43,805 --> 02:00:46,239
I saw the episode.
I know that that happened.
2714
02:00:46,341 --> 02:00:47,501
You watched it?
- I watched it.
2715
02:00:47,609 --> 02:00:48,576
Did you love it?
2716
02:00:49,311 --> 02:00:51,176
Yeah.
He was great, right?
2717
02:00:51,280 --> 02:00:53,180
It was fine!
I have no problem with Leo, okay?
2718
02:00:53,282 --> 02:00:54,374
Tell Leo, if he's
got a problem,
2719
02:00:54,483 --> 02:00:56,781
to stop being a baby
and to just get over it!
2720
02:00:56,885 --> 02:00:57,909
Why don't you
tell Leo yourself?
2721
02:00:58,020 --> 02:01:00,045
'Cause Leo's been surveilling
this whole conversation.
2722
02:01:00,355 --> 02:01:01,413
You dick.
LEO: Fucking asshole.
2723
02:01:01,523 --> 02:01:03,320
MARK: Leo, get off the phone!
Screw you, Leo. Screw you.
2724
02:01:03,425 --> 02:01:04,790
Hey, man what have
you been up to?
2725
02:01:04,893 --> 02:01:06,190
Sucking George
Simmons' balls?
2726
02:01:06,295 --> 02:01:08,559
That's cool. I've been on
Yo Teach! living it up.
2727
02:01:08,664 --> 02:01:10,154
I'm sorry, Leo.
Yo Teach! sucks.
2728
02:01:10,265 --> 02:01:11,357
LEO: Go lose some
more weight, Ira!
2729
02:01:11,466 --> 02:01:12,490
You look fucking
weird skinny!
2730
02:01:13,068 --> 02:01:14,399
MARK: Leo, calm down!
2731
02:01:14,503 --> 02:01:16,767
You know what, Ira? I want to
put my eyeglasses on your asshole
2732
02:01:16,872 --> 02:01:19,705
so it looks like you're blowing me when
I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk!
2733
02:01:19,808 --> 02:01:20,775
IRA: That doesn't
even make sense!
2734
02:01:20,876 --> 02:01:23,174
You're gonna put glasses
on my ass? What?
2735
02:01:23,278 --> 02:01:27,180
Ira, we will find something
for you to do on the show, okay?
2736
02:01:27,282 --> 02:01:28,749
Teach can have
more than one friend.
2737
02:01:28,850 --> 02:01:30,078
Can we talk
about this later?
2738
02:01:30,185 --> 02:01:32,983
I am in a serious problem. I just
need some advice, okay? Please?
2739
02:01:33,088 --> 02:01:36,580
Just listen to me for two minutes and
tell me what I should do right now, okay?
2740
02:01:36,692 --> 02:01:37,784
Will you do that?
2741
02:01:37,893 --> 02:01:40,589
All right. If it's serious,
I'm sorry. I will listen.
2742
02:01:41,029 --> 02:01:42,018
(SIGHS)
2743
02:01:42,130 --> 02:01:44,030
Okay. Here's what's happening.
2744
02:01:44,132 --> 02:01:45,929
I'm witnessing
a slow-moving train wreck,
2745
02:01:46,034 --> 02:01:48,059
but if I do something,
I will lose my job.
2746
02:01:48,170 --> 02:01:49,137
Are you serious?
2747
02:01:49,237 --> 02:01:50,636
So, what
I don't know, is...
2748
02:01:50,939 --> 02:01:53,032
(DISCONNECTS)
Screw you.
2749
02:01:53,275 --> 02:01:54,264
(SIGHS)
2750
02:01:54,576 --> 02:01:55,570
Higher!
Higher!
2751
02:01:55,677 --> 02:01:56,666
I can't. I... I can't.
- Yes, you can.
2752
02:01:56,778 --> 02:01:58,245
You, you have to go
down a little bit then
2753
02:01:58,347 --> 02:02:00,042
through the middle.
LAURA: Be careful. Don't let him fall on you.
2754
02:02:00,148 --> 02:02:01,115
Where do I put my hand?
2755
02:02:01,917 --> 02:02:06,820
I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the
airport tonight heading back to China.
2756
02:02:06,955 --> 02:02:09,515
I'm gonna go tell him
that when he comes back
2757
02:02:09,758 --> 02:02:12,192
he should find
another place to live.
2758
02:02:12,294 --> 02:02:13,522
Wait, wait,
wait, wait. What...
2759
02:02:13,628 --> 02:02:16,392
You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah.
2760
02:02:16,832 --> 02:02:17,821
You're gonna tell him?
2761
02:02:17,933 --> 02:02:19,298
I just don't want
him coming back here.
2762
02:02:19,401 --> 02:02:20,663
You don't need him.
- No.
2763
02:02:20,769 --> 02:02:22,828
That'll just
get you sick.
2764
02:02:22,938 --> 02:02:25,805
Good, you gotta tell him.
So, when are you doing that?
2765
02:02:25,907 --> 02:02:26,874
Tonight?
- Yeah.
2766
02:02:27,009 --> 02:02:27,976
Okay, okay,
I'm coming down.
2767
02:02:28,076 --> 02:02:29,043
Jump!
2768
02:02:29,978 --> 02:02:31,002
I talked to a girlfriend of mine,
2769
02:02:31,113 --> 02:02:33,172
and she has somebody
who could show us
2770
02:02:33,348 --> 02:02:35,441
some houses down
in Los Angeles.
2771
02:02:35,817 --> 02:02:37,011
And we'll get that
whole thing going.
2772
02:02:37,119 --> 02:02:41,556
And then I was thinking about
taking the kids out of school now,
2773
02:02:41,656 --> 02:02:44,750
but we should probably let them
finish up because it's December.
2774
02:02:44,860 --> 02:02:46,384
And I don't want
to mess everything up.
2775
02:02:46,495 --> 02:02:48,292
They have to finish
the whole year here.
2776
02:02:48,397 --> 02:02:49,796
Yeah, that makes sense to
me. So, if we just go down
2777
02:02:49,898 --> 02:02:51,195
at the beginning
of the summer,
2778
02:02:51,299 --> 02:02:52,630
let them kind of transit.
I'm supposed to do
2779
02:02:52,734 --> 02:02:54,258
a little two-week
tour this summer.
2780
02:02:54,369 --> 02:02:56,667
I'm supposed to do it,
but I don't need to do it.
2781
02:02:56,838 --> 02:03:00,274
No pressure on you. Look at
you! There's no pressure on you.
2782
02:03:00,375 --> 02:03:04,505
I need to work and I want to
get my acting career going again.
2783
02:03:04,613 --> 02:03:06,342
Good.
- Yeah.
2784
02:03:06,448 --> 02:03:09,008
She's whupping you, Ingrid!
Good job there, Lulu.
2785
02:03:10,285 --> 02:03:11,980
So, she's gonna go
to the airport tonight
2786
02:03:12,087 --> 02:03:14,988
and tell Clarke that she wants
him to find a new place and...
2787
02:03:16,258 --> 02:03:18,249
What do you
think of that?
2788
02:03:18,360 --> 02:03:20,521
(SIGHS) I don't want to tell
you what I think about that
2789
02:03:20,629 --> 02:03:22,153
'cause I don't want
to get yelled at, George.
2790
02:03:22,264 --> 02:03:23,754
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
2791
02:03:23,865 --> 02:03:26,527
I'm just nervous about the kids
and, like, who's gonna get them
2792
02:03:26,635 --> 02:03:28,796
and does he get one
and Laura gets one,
2793
02:03:28,904 --> 02:03:30,496
or am I gonna
have both of them?
2794
02:03:30,605 --> 02:03:32,630
'Cause I love the little
one, we kind of click.
2795
02:03:32,741 --> 02:03:36,507
But the older one is, like, you
sense the period's coming soon.
2796
02:03:36,611 --> 02:03:38,272
I think she would
probably get the kids.
2797
02:03:38,380 --> 02:03:39,369
All right, yeah.
2798
02:03:39,481 --> 02:03:41,574
I don't think you can
have two girls in China.
2799
02:03:41,716 --> 02:03:43,183
What are you gonna do now?
Look at this crew.
2800
02:03:43,285 --> 02:03:44,547
Why so close?
Really?
2801
02:03:44,653 --> 02:03:45,620
(EXCLAIMS)
2802
02:03:45,720 --> 02:03:47,381
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
2803
02:03:47,489 --> 02:03:49,116
You okay, little girl?
You okay?
2804
02:03:49,224 --> 02:03:50,623
Oh, man.
Are you okay?
2805
02:03:50,759 --> 02:03:52,351
Okay. I'm gonna show
you Mable singing...
2806
02:03:52,461 --> 02:03:53,450
Mom, you make
everybody see...
2807
02:03:53,562 --> 02:03:55,723
No, Memory from Cats.
Come on! It's...
2808
02:03:55,897 --> 02:03:57,524
No. I hate that you
show it to everyone.
2809
02:03:57,632 --> 02:03:59,122
I'll just show
them the end part.
2810
02:03:59,234 --> 02:04:00,997
(ALL LAUGHING)
2811
02:04:01,103 --> 02:04:03,469
I'll just show you
the ending. Okay.
2812
02:04:03,572 --> 02:04:05,597
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
2813
02:04:17,752 --> 02:04:23,748
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends
of smoky days
2814
02:04:24,626 --> 02:04:30,496
The stale cold smell
of morning
2815
02:04:31,933 --> 02:04:38,634
The streetlamp dies,
another night is over
2816
02:04:39,141 --> 02:04:44,306
Another day is dawning
2817
02:04:46,748 --> 02:04:49,308
Touch me
2818
02:04:49,484 --> 02:04:55,912
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
2819
02:04:56,625 --> 02:04:59,651
Of my days in the sun
2820
02:05:01,029 --> 02:05:05,125
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
2821
02:05:05,233 --> 02:05:06,564
(MOUTHING)
2822
02:05:08,703 --> 02:05:14,664
Look, a new day has begun
2823
02:05:17,445 --> 02:05:19,208
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2824
02:05:19,314 --> 02:05:20,838
(BOTH LAUGHING)
2825
02:05:22,551 --> 02:05:23,518
That was unbelievable!
2826
02:05:23,618 --> 02:05:25,279
Isn't that good?
2827
02:05:26,922 --> 02:05:28,856
That was insane!
2828
02:05:28,957 --> 02:05:32,825
That was like just seeing a little
person sing an old person's song.
2829
02:05:32,928 --> 02:05:34,759
That was hysterical!
2830
02:05:34,896 --> 02:05:38,696
I got a friend who takes...
He takes a lot of acid.
2831
02:05:38,800 --> 02:05:41,394
If he saw that,
he would shit himself!
2832
02:05:43,004 --> 02:05:44,232
That's not supposed
to be funny.
2833
02:05:44,339 --> 02:05:45,306
I know, I know,
I know. I'm...
2834
02:05:45,407 --> 02:05:47,568
No, I think that's
why it's funnier.
2835
02:05:47,676 --> 02:05:48,643
It was so amazing.
2836
02:05:48,743 --> 02:05:49,710
Wasn't that good?
2837
02:05:49,811 --> 02:05:51,472
I think I started
crying a little bit.
2838
02:05:51,580 --> 02:05:54,549
Me, too. I cry
every time I see that.
2839
02:05:56,651 --> 02:05:59,313
That shit was funny up there.
2840
02:05:59,421 --> 02:06:03,255
Okay. Wow, these guys are not
gonna take no for an answer.
2841
02:06:04,092 --> 02:06:06,219
Yeah. They want me to do
another baby movie.
2842
02:06:06,328 --> 02:06:08,956
They keep bumping up
the gross on the DVDs.
2843
02:06:09,097 --> 02:06:11,725
I just...
There's no way I'm doing it.
2844
02:06:18,406 --> 02:06:19,703
Okay. Bye.
2845
02:06:22,744 --> 02:06:24,268
(BOTH WHOOPING)
2846
02:06:24,879 --> 02:06:26,938
Hey, George.
2847
02:06:27,048 --> 02:06:28,379
(EXHALES) Yeah.
2848
02:06:28,483 --> 02:06:30,212
I'm going to...
I'm gonna go to the store
2849
02:06:30,318 --> 02:06:31,478
and grab some
cigarettes, okay?
2850
02:06:31,620 --> 02:06:32,712
I'll be back soon.
2851
02:06:32,821 --> 02:06:35,085
What? What do you
need cigarettes for?
2852
02:06:35,190 --> 02:06:36,680
'Cause I'm addicted to them.
2853
02:06:36,791 --> 02:06:38,759
Why? 'Cause you look like
the Fonz when you smoke?
2854
02:06:38,860 --> 02:06:41,556
I've always smoked. I just didn't do
it in front of you 'cause you were sick.
2855
02:06:41,663 --> 02:06:43,187
And now that you're better...
2856
02:06:43,298 --> 02:06:45,892
Hurry up, though, man.
I'm running out of gas with the kids here.
2857
02:06:46,001 --> 02:06:47,229
Okay. I'll hurry up.
2858
02:06:48,036 --> 02:06:53,736
(SINGING) Memory,
all alone in the moonlight
2859
02:06:55,677 --> 02:06:58,908
I can't wait
till the morning
2860
02:07:00,715 --> 02:07:02,444
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
2861
02:07:09,724 --> 02:07:12,090
Are my parents getting a divorce?
2862
02:07:15,096 --> 02:07:17,564
Why... Why...
Why do you ask that?
2863
02:07:18,199 --> 02:07:21,862
Just, like, I can tell.
They're always fighting and...
2864
02:07:22,370 --> 02:07:23,997
How does that make you feel?
2865
02:07:24,105 --> 02:07:26,232
Well, he's already away a lot,
2866
02:07:26,341 --> 02:07:30,539
so it doesn't really
matter that much, but...
2867
02:07:30,979 --> 02:07:32,537
Uh-huh.
2868
02:07:32,647 --> 02:07:34,581
That wouldn't be fun.
2869
02:07:34,683 --> 02:07:37,413
Maybe it would be better
if they were separated.
2870
02:07:37,519 --> 02:07:38,508
Mmm-mmm.
2871
02:07:38,620 --> 02:07:39,917
No?
2872
02:07:40,021 --> 02:07:41,454
That's not good.
2873
02:07:41,556 --> 02:07:42,523
Right.
2874
02:08:04,379 --> 02:08:05,539
Clarke?
2875
02:08:07,415 --> 02:08:11,511
Laura, what are you doing here?
2876
02:08:11,619 --> 02:08:13,450
I don't know.
2877
02:08:13,955 --> 02:08:17,755
WOMAN ON PA: Mr. Way Chen, you need to
get to the information desk. Thank you.
2878
02:08:17,859 --> 02:08:19,952
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2879
02:08:20,729 --> 02:08:21,696
You've reached Ira.
2880
02:08:21,796 --> 02:08:22,888
Please leave me a message.
Thank you.
2881
02:08:22,997 --> 02:08:23,986
(BEEPS)
2882
02:08:24,099 --> 02:08:25,828
Where are you?
You gotta come back here.
2883
02:08:25,934 --> 02:08:28,869
I think I'm getting...
I'm getting lonely here.
2884
02:08:28,970 --> 02:08:31,939
I need some help.
Just, seriously, hurry up.
2885
02:08:32,907 --> 02:08:36,638
I don't trust you.
Am I imagining things?
2886
02:08:38,179 --> 02:08:40,374
You're not imagining
anything, honey.
2887
02:08:40,548 --> 02:08:41,537
(SIGHS)
2888
02:08:41,649 --> 02:08:44,641
Two times.
That's all I did was two times.
2889
02:08:44,753 --> 02:08:47,221
And I don't want to ruin everything
just 'cause of two fucking times.
2890
02:08:47,322 --> 02:08:48,949
She couldn't even speak English.
2891
02:08:53,027 --> 02:08:55,018
Look at our life.
You're driving the kids to school.
2892
02:08:55,130 --> 02:08:57,064
You're picking them up.
You're like a single mother.
2893
02:08:57,165 --> 02:08:59,963
And you're not a single mom.
You're my wife. You're my baby.
2894
02:09:00,068 --> 02:09:02,730
I shouldn't be in China
2895
02:09:02,837 --> 02:09:06,102
trying to sell Oreos to people who
don't want to fucking talk to me.
2896
02:09:06,207 --> 02:09:09,199
I'm gonna get a normal job.
I'm gonna be just around the corner.
2897
02:09:09,310 --> 02:09:11,972
It's just gonna be
you, me and the kids.
2898
02:09:12,380 --> 02:09:15,008
All I want is a fresh start.
2899
02:09:15,116 --> 02:09:16,083
Yeah.
2900
02:09:23,825 --> 02:09:25,224
(GRUNTING) Oh.
2901
02:09:25,326 --> 02:09:26,293
Yeah.
2902
02:09:30,365 --> 02:09:32,959
The George Simmons thing
was just a flirtation.
2903
02:09:33,067 --> 02:09:37,026
It was nothing. He really
was sick. He just got better.
2904
02:09:38,072 --> 02:09:39,903
I'm so fucking glad.
- Yeah.
2905
02:09:40,008 --> 02:09:43,239
I really like him. I do.
I don't want to hate him.
2906
02:09:44,245 --> 02:09:46,042
I fucking love you.
2907
02:09:54,322 --> 02:09:55,346
Ira!
2908
02:09:57,826 --> 02:09:59,521
Hey!
2909
02:09:59,627 --> 02:10:00,594
What are you doing here?
2910
02:10:00,695 --> 02:10:01,920
(CHUCKLING)
2911
02:10:02,030 --> 02:10:04,294
I'm going back to Los Angeles.
2912
02:10:05,099 --> 02:10:06,066
LA?
2913
02:10:06,167 --> 02:10:07,395
Yeah.
2914
02:10:07,502 --> 02:10:09,561
You're in the Great China Air
First Class Lounge, mate.
2915
02:10:09,671 --> 02:10:10,638
What are you doing?
2916
02:10:10,738 --> 02:10:14,037
Oh. Shit, this is a
confusing airport.
2917
02:10:14,175 --> 02:10:16,905
I thought this
was Panda Express.
2918
02:10:17,011 --> 02:10:19,707
Well, it's good to
see you guys, though.
2919
02:10:19,814 --> 02:10:22,908
What's going on?
Laura?
2920
02:10:23,017 --> 02:10:26,145
What the hell is going on?
2921
02:10:26,254 --> 02:10:27,744
Uh... Ask her.
2922
02:10:28,490 --> 02:10:30,720
I was so mad at you for the
way that you've been treating me
2923
02:10:30,825 --> 02:10:33,851
that I was on my way
here to tell you tonight
2924
02:10:33,995 --> 02:10:35,963
to find another place
to live when you got back.
2925
02:10:36,064 --> 02:10:37,292
But then...
I came here to stop her.
2926
02:10:37,398 --> 02:10:38,422
CLARKE: Shut the fuck up.
2927
02:10:38,533 --> 02:10:41,525
I slept with George once,
but it's over.
2928
02:10:41,636 --> 02:10:44,230
It's done.
And it was no big deal.
2929
02:10:44,339 --> 02:10:45,328
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
2930
02:10:45,440 --> 02:10:49,001
We didn't even have sex.
He just went down on me.
2931
02:10:49,110 --> 02:10:50,577
(SIGHS) That's worse.
2932
02:10:50,678 --> 02:10:51,667
CLARKE: Crikey.
2933
02:10:51,779 --> 02:10:54,247
He manipulated me
with his disease!
2934
02:10:56,050 --> 02:10:58,644
Where is he?
George, where is he?
2935
02:10:58,753 --> 02:11:00,186
He's at your house.
2936
02:11:00,288 --> 02:11:02,916
He's at our house?
With our kids?
2937
02:11:03,625 --> 02:11:05,252
LAURA: Please don't get
that look on your face.
2938
02:11:05,360 --> 02:11:06,691
Please don't get
that look on your face.
2939
02:11:06,794 --> 02:11:07,818
It was a mistake.
I'm gonna kill him.
2940
02:11:07,929 --> 02:11:10,022
No, no, no, no, no.
2941
02:11:10,131 --> 02:11:11,598
I'm sorry.
2942
02:11:11,699 --> 02:11:12,688
You're sorry?
2943
02:11:12,834 --> 02:11:14,062
I came here to stop...
Who are you?
2944
02:11:14,168 --> 02:11:15,294
I don't know.
Who are you?
2945
02:11:15,403 --> 02:11:17,030
(SIGHS)
What are you doing here?
2946
02:11:17,138 --> 02:11:18,503
I was trying to help you.
2947
02:11:18,606 --> 02:11:20,073
Get the fuck out of my life!
2948
02:11:20,174 --> 02:11:21,835
Okay.
2949
02:11:21,943 --> 02:11:26,642
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
2950
02:11:26,748 --> 02:11:32,709
Where is it? Where is it?
Oh, God, where is it?
2951
02:11:32,954 --> 02:11:36,856
So stupid! Stupid shit!
2952
02:11:40,461 --> 02:11:43,825
I wanted to tell you I miss you.
I miss your kisses.
2953
02:11:43,932 --> 02:11:47,595
I miss your short skirts.
And I miss your smell.
2954
02:11:50,805 --> 02:11:52,295
Get the BabyBj�rn.
2955
02:11:52,407 --> 02:11:54,898
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
We're gonna go find that wizard.
2956
02:11:55,009 --> 02:11:57,773
Hey, girls.
You look so cute.
2957
02:11:58,846 --> 02:12:00,438
You, outside.
2958
02:12:00,548 --> 02:12:01,515
Is he in trouble?
2959
02:12:01,616 --> 02:12:02,742
Yes.
2960
02:12:09,557 --> 02:12:11,115
What's gonna happen?
I don't know.
2961
02:12:11,225 --> 02:12:12,556
What do you think I did?
2962
02:12:12,660 --> 02:12:13,649
Oh, shit!
2963
02:12:13,761 --> 02:12:15,592
Your friend sold you out, mate!
2964
02:12:15,697 --> 02:12:16,686
LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke!
2965
02:12:16,798 --> 02:12:18,493
CLARKE: You think this is a game?
Stop it!
2966
02:12:18,600 --> 02:12:19,567
What'd you think
you were gonna do?
2967
02:12:19,667 --> 02:12:21,498
Come in and just
fuck up my family?
2968
02:12:21,603 --> 02:12:23,332
IRA: Stop it!
CLARKE: Is that what you thought?
2969
02:12:23,438 --> 02:12:24,427
Stop it. Stop.
No, no, no, no!
2970
02:12:24,539 --> 02:12:26,370
GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything!
This sort of shit I kill for!
2971
02:12:26,474 --> 02:12:27,771
Don't kill him!
Don't kill him!
2972
02:12:27,875 --> 02:12:29,365
You stupid shit!
2973
02:12:29,477 --> 02:12:30,444
No!
2974
02:12:30,545 --> 02:12:31,534
Fuck, man!
2975
02:12:31,646 --> 02:12:33,273
Come here!
Run, George!
2976
02:12:33,381 --> 02:12:35,508
Don't hurt him, you maniac!
2977
02:12:36,684 --> 02:12:37,946
Cut the shit, guys!
2978
02:12:38,052 --> 02:12:39,019
Stop it!
2979
02:12:40,388 --> 02:12:43,551
IRA: Run, George! You're
cornering yourself! Go that way!
2980
02:12:43,658 --> 02:12:44,989
Get away from me!
Take it like a man, George!
2981
02:12:45,093 --> 02:12:46,958
Get away from me,
you fucking crazy asshole!
2982
02:12:47,061 --> 02:12:49,791
You fucking asshole!
Get away!
2983
02:12:51,099 --> 02:12:52,589
Oh, my God.
2984
02:12:52,700 --> 02:12:54,691
She's not happy with you!
2985
02:12:54,802 --> 02:12:57,566
No one who's married
is happy, you idiot!
2986
02:12:58,406 --> 02:13:00,738
Get in a ball, George!
Get in a ball!
2987
02:13:00,842 --> 02:13:02,469
Fight like a man!
Get on your feet, would you?
2988
02:13:02,577 --> 02:13:05,546
I don't know how to fight!
I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole!
2989
02:13:05,647 --> 02:13:06,614
Should I jump in?
2990
02:13:06,714 --> 02:13:08,409
No! No! Don't jump in!
2991
02:13:08,516 --> 02:13:10,484
Just get away from me, man!
You traitor!
2992
02:13:10,585 --> 02:13:12,644
Go get more cigarettes,
you liar!
2993
02:13:12,754 --> 02:13:13,982
IRA: I accomplished nothing!
2994
02:13:14,088 --> 02:13:15,988
They made up
before I got there!
2995
02:13:16,090 --> 02:13:17,114
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2996
02:13:17,225 --> 02:13:19,193
Where's your
helmet now, Yankee?
2997
02:13:19,293 --> 02:13:21,761
Let's talk! Clarke!
2998
02:13:21,863 --> 02:13:23,455
LAURA: Clarke, no!
2999
02:13:23,564 --> 02:13:25,395
Come on, pussy!
3000
02:13:25,500 --> 02:13:26,467
Help!
3001
02:13:27,535 --> 02:13:28,729
All right!
3002
02:13:28,836 --> 02:13:29,825
Stop!
3003
02:13:29,937 --> 02:13:31,666
IRA: I got him! I got him!
You don't want this, Schmira.
3004
02:13:31,773 --> 02:13:33,502
You don't want
a piece of me, Schmira!
3005
02:13:33,608 --> 02:13:35,269
I am gonna love this!
3006
02:13:35,743 --> 02:13:36,732
(GROANS)
3007
02:13:36,844 --> 02:13:38,209
God!
3008
02:13:38,312 --> 02:13:40,940
You son of a bitch! I knew
you didn't want me to be happy!
3009
02:13:41,049 --> 02:13:44,143
What are you doing, man?
Look at this! You fucking suck!
3010
02:13:44,252 --> 02:13:45,685
You've gone crazy!
You're a lightweight...
3011
02:13:45,787 --> 02:13:46,913
Get away from me, man!
3012
02:13:47,021 --> 02:13:49,489
...named Ira Wiener!
Ira Wiener!
3013
02:13:49,590 --> 02:13:51,524
You should have died!
Well, I ain't going nowhere!
3014
02:13:51,626 --> 02:13:53,184
I'm never gonna die!
I hope you die!
3015
02:13:53,294 --> 02:13:55,023
I'm never gonna die, baby!
- Die!
3016
02:13:55,129 --> 02:13:56,323
Boys, stop it!
IRA: I hope you die! I hate you!
3017
02:13:56,431 --> 02:13:57,864
I know what you're trying
to do, the pair of you!
3018
02:13:57,965 --> 02:13:59,933
You're trying to distract me
so I won't hit him!
3019
02:14:00,034 --> 02:14:01,331
Lackey! Lackey!
3020
02:14:01,436 --> 02:14:02,425
IRA: Wait!
3021
02:14:02,537 --> 02:14:04,505
Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude!
3022
02:14:04,605 --> 02:14:05,833
Are you okay, George?
3023
02:14:05,940 --> 02:14:07,737
Where's your stunt man now, hey?
3024
02:14:07,842 --> 02:14:08,809
Stop it!
3025
02:14:08,910 --> 02:14:11,344
Will you stop hitting me?
3026
02:14:12,480 --> 02:14:15,040
I'm better now,
but it can come back!
3027
02:14:16,751 --> 02:14:19,185
Laura, tell him.
Tell him what you told me.
3028
02:14:19,721 --> 02:14:23,157
Tell him that you love me more
than you love him. Tell him!
3029
02:14:23,391 --> 02:14:24,517
Yeah, when she
told you that,
3030
02:14:24,625 --> 02:14:26,752
did she think
you were dying, huh?
3031
02:14:27,495 --> 02:14:30,020
Tell him. Tell him.
Is it me or him?
3032
02:14:33,067 --> 02:14:34,398
Him.
3033
02:14:34,502 --> 02:14:38,836
What? Come on!
Are you serious?
3034
02:14:39,807 --> 02:14:42,867
He's my husband.
We have a family.
3035
02:14:43,778 --> 02:14:45,245
I love him.
3036
02:14:45,713 --> 02:14:48,978
And you didn't even cry
when Mable sang Cats.
3037
02:14:49,584 --> 02:14:51,142
What's the matter with you?
3038
02:14:51,853 --> 02:14:54,219
I didn't want to lie.
I don't know.
3039
02:14:54,322 --> 02:14:56,654
I've seen it
on Broadway before.
3040
02:14:57,992 --> 02:14:59,960
It wasn't as good as it.
3041
02:15:01,596 --> 02:15:03,826
What are you guys
doing on the lawn?
3042
02:15:03,931 --> 02:15:05,489
I'm hungry!
3043
02:15:06,234 --> 02:15:09,294
Nothing. We're just...
We're just mucking around.
3044
02:15:09,403 --> 02:15:11,428
Come on. Go back inside.
3045
02:15:17,779 --> 02:15:21,840
Sorry, George.
I'll always love you.
3046
02:15:22,884 --> 02:15:25,079
But what are we gonna do?
3047
02:15:25,186 --> 02:15:26,653
I love you.
3048
02:15:27,555 --> 02:15:29,887
I'm sorry I came up here.
I shouldn't have come.
3049
02:15:31,058 --> 02:15:32,685
No, I'm glad you did.
3050
02:15:33,928 --> 02:15:35,623
Maybe when we're 70?
3051
02:15:37,965 --> 02:15:40,092
I hope you find
a way to be happy.
3052
02:15:40,635 --> 02:15:43,570
Shit. He's coming back.
He's coming back. Let's go.
3053
02:15:44,272 --> 02:15:45,637
LAURA: Clarke.
3054
02:15:45,740 --> 02:15:49,506
You know what? I've just worked
out why all this shit has happened.
3055
02:15:49,610 --> 02:15:51,805
In the East,
they call this karma.
3056
02:15:51,913 --> 02:15:56,077
And I have brought all this
shit upon us with my misbehavior.
3057
02:15:56,184 --> 02:15:58,277
That's why all this
shit has happened.
3058
02:15:58,920 --> 02:16:00,581
This had to happen.
3059
02:16:01,355 --> 02:16:03,619
But some good shit's
gonna come from this.
3060
02:16:04,091 --> 02:16:06,559
We have to learn from this,
you know, all of us.
3061
02:16:06,661 --> 02:16:08,595
There's a good lesson here.
3062
02:16:10,031 --> 02:16:12,591
Underneath anger is hurt,
3063
02:16:13,668 --> 02:16:17,001
but underneath hurt is love.
3064
02:16:17,738 --> 02:16:19,137
You feel it?
3065
02:16:22,343 --> 02:16:23,571
Okay?
3066
02:16:23,678 --> 02:16:24,702
Yeah. Thank you.
3067
02:16:24,812 --> 02:16:25,801
I'm sorry about this.
3068
02:16:25,913 --> 02:16:28,848
Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about it.
3069
02:16:44,866 --> 02:16:45,890
Do you want me to drive?
3070
02:16:46,000 --> 02:16:46,989
(SIGHS)
3071
02:16:47,101 --> 02:16:50,229
No, you don't have to drive me.
I'll drive myself.
3072
02:16:51,239 --> 02:16:55,471
In fact, you're never gonna have to
drive me again because you're fired, Ira.
3073
02:16:55,877 --> 02:16:58,107
You're the only person
that I've ever heard of
3074
02:16:58,212 --> 02:17:00,305
that learned nothing from a
near-death experience, George.
3075
02:17:00,414 --> 02:17:02,006
You went backwards.
You're worse.
3076
02:17:02,116 --> 02:17:04,311
You know what I am?
A good friend.
3077
02:17:04,418 --> 02:17:07,876
I would never run to the
airport and rat somebody out.
3078
02:17:07,989 --> 02:17:11,652
I don't have that in my DNA.
That's not a friend, man.
3079
02:17:11,759 --> 02:17:14,091
A friend tells you.
A friend comes up to you and says,
3080
02:17:14,195 --> 02:17:16,322
"Hey, you're in a heap of shit.
You better not do it."
3081
02:17:16,430 --> 02:17:19,422
He doesn't run
and tell the fucking girl.
3082
02:17:19,533 --> 02:17:20,557
Well...
- Wow.
3083
02:17:20,668 --> 02:17:22,727
Good. Fire me. I don't want
to be around you anymore,
3084
02:17:22,837 --> 02:17:24,964
'cause you are
fucking contagious!
3085
02:17:25,072 --> 02:17:27,302
You think I can't
get another assistant?
3086
02:17:27,408 --> 02:17:29,968
I can't get someone else
to write jokes for me?
3087
02:17:30,077 --> 02:17:33,911
You think I'm gonna lay in my bed
going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
3088
02:17:34,482 --> 02:17:37,451
You're a fucking no-thought.
That's the beauty.
3089
02:17:37,551 --> 02:17:40,247
Once you're gone it never
comes back in my brain.
3090
02:17:40,354 --> 02:17:41,878
You think getting Laura
would have made you happy?
3091
02:17:41,989 --> 02:17:43,820
I know so. You think if
you had a family right now,
3092
02:17:43,925 --> 02:17:45,187
you would be happy?
3093
02:17:45,293 --> 02:17:48,490
You'll never be happy, 'cause you're
always gonna be stuck with yourself!
3094
02:17:48,596 --> 02:17:51,656
Unless somehow you can
get away from you,
3095
02:17:51,766 --> 02:17:54,200
you're always gonna
be miserable, George.
3096
02:17:54,302 --> 02:17:56,327
You are not funny.
3097
02:17:56,437 --> 02:17:58,530
Well, if that means
I'm less like you,
3098
02:17:58,639 --> 02:18:00,937
then good, I don't
want to be funny, okay?
3099
02:18:01,509 --> 02:18:03,477
Mission accomplished, Ira.
3100
02:18:04,979 --> 02:18:06,537
Bad career choice.
3101
02:18:07,214 --> 02:18:10,308
Comedy usually
is for funny people.
3102
02:18:10,418 --> 02:18:11,646
Gotcha.
3103
02:18:16,324 --> 02:18:17,518
(SIGHS)
3104
02:18:28,836 --> 02:18:30,167
(TIRES SCREECHING)
3105
02:18:30,271 --> 02:18:31,499
(GROANS)
3106
02:19:11,112 --> 02:19:13,603
Chances are you've got a lot of stuff
stuffed in your drawers and closets
3107
02:19:13,714 --> 02:19:14,703
that you don't really need.
3108
02:19:14,815 --> 02:19:17,511
Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief
of Natural Health magazine.
3109
02:19:17,785 --> 02:19:20,686
She's here to help you get trashing,
bagging and get organized.
3110
02:19:20,788 --> 02:19:22,380
Hello, Mary.
MARY: Hi, Hoda.
3111
02:19:22,490 --> 02:19:25,618
HODA: Okay, we do save things
for the wackiest reasons.
3112
02:19:29,230 --> 02:19:30,822
(WHISPERING)
Good morning. Hi.
3113
02:19:32,900 --> 02:19:35,164
I think I'm gonna
forgive him today.
3114
02:19:35,269 --> 02:19:36,600
What? Really?
- Yeah.
3115
02:19:36,704 --> 02:19:38,865
Great!
That's great news!
3116
02:19:38,973 --> 02:19:41,533
He's just gonna be so jealous that
I'm on Yo Teach! You know?
3117
02:19:41,642 --> 02:19:43,576
I just figured it'd
be a cool thing to do.
3118
02:19:43,677 --> 02:19:46,612
Well, maybe we could
find something for him.
3119
02:19:47,114 --> 02:19:51,175
You know, if it comes up organically,
definitely, but we shouldn't force it.
3120
02:19:51,285 --> 02:19:52,479
You know?
- Right.
3121
02:19:52,586 --> 02:19:54,577
I don't want to be
on Yo Teach!
3122
02:19:55,790 --> 02:19:57,382
It's okay.
I forgave you, you know?
3123
02:19:57,491 --> 02:19:58,583
Thank you.
3124
02:19:59,760 --> 02:20:03,560
So, how'd everything go
up there this weekend?
3125
02:20:04,265 --> 02:20:09,293
I think I did the right thing, but George
fired me and punched me in the face.
3126
02:20:11,272 --> 02:20:12,864
You want to talk about it?
3127
02:20:12,973 --> 02:20:13,940
No.
3128
02:20:15,443 --> 02:20:18,810
I kind of wish you would.
It sounds like the greatest story, ever.
3129
02:20:20,548 --> 02:20:22,880
Wake me up at 2:00.
I'll tell you about it.
3130
02:20:23,951 --> 02:20:26,545
Well, we're glad you're back.
3131
02:20:26,654 --> 02:20:27,951
Glad you're home.
3132
02:20:28,055 --> 02:20:30,580
I can't believe I have
to start all over again.
3133
02:20:31,759 --> 02:20:34,353
Hey, man, how you doing?
3134
02:20:34,695 --> 02:20:35,923
Hey, how you doing?
Heard you were sick.
3135
02:20:36,030 --> 02:20:37,827
You feeling better now?
- Over here!
3136
02:20:37,932 --> 02:20:40,423
MAN: George, second lease on life.
What are you gonna do now?
3137
02:20:40,534 --> 02:20:41,592
Hey, guys, come on.
Come on, I heard rumors
3138
02:20:41,702 --> 02:20:43,067
about another baby movie.
What do you got, huh?
3139
02:20:43,170 --> 02:20:45,161
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that.
That should be good.
3140
02:20:45,272 --> 02:20:47,206
Gonna start that in a little bit.
Let me get by you, though.
3141
02:20:59,587 --> 02:21:01,214
It's nice up here, huh?
3142
02:21:01,322 --> 02:21:03,415
Yeah.
How'd you find it?
3143
02:21:04,625 --> 02:21:07,423
Me and my friends, we hike
up here and I always thought,
3144
02:21:07,528 --> 02:21:08,654
"You know, that'd be
a great place to take
3145
02:21:08,762 --> 02:21:11,253
"a woman if you...
If you knew one."
3146
02:21:12,466 --> 02:21:13,524
Well, now you know one.
3147
02:21:13,634 --> 02:21:14,658
Good.
3148
02:21:26,013 --> 02:21:27,810
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
3149
02:21:30,251 --> 02:21:31,275
Hey, I'm gonna give him the light.
3150
02:21:31,385 --> 02:21:32,352
Thanks, Mark.
3151
02:21:34,255 --> 02:21:35,916
Bailey, you're number two.
3152
02:21:42,830 --> 02:21:44,661
Hey, Ira.
How you doing?
3153
02:21:44,765 --> 02:21:45,732
Good. How you doing?
3154
02:21:45,833 --> 02:21:46,891
RANDY: Wassup, big money?
3155
02:21:47,001 --> 02:21:48,127
You guys know each other?
3156
02:21:48,235 --> 02:21:50,669
Yes. I've seen this
young Jewish comedian.
3157
02:21:51,238 --> 02:21:52,899
Randy, what's happening?
3158
02:21:53,007 --> 02:21:56,170
I saw this cat down at Otto's
yesterday. Made me a little panini.
3159
02:21:57,111 --> 02:21:59,636
Grilled chicken pesto.
Shit was nice.
3160
02:22:00,080 --> 02:22:02,241
Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again.
3161
02:22:03,217 --> 02:22:04,616
GEORGE: So, you're going up?
3162
02:22:04,952 --> 02:22:07,546
Yeah, I'm about to go up now.
See you guys.
3163
02:22:09,290 --> 02:22:10,416
Later!
3164
02:22:12,226 --> 02:22:14,490
Thank you. Thank you.
3165
02:22:14,595 --> 02:22:18,053
My friends are very sexually
aggressive, which is hard for me.
3166
02:22:18,165 --> 02:22:19,962
You know, we'll watch
television and they'll just see...
3167
02:22:20,067 --> 02:22:21,967
A hot girl will come on
and they'll just be,
3168
02:22:22,069 --> 02:22:25,527
" Man, I wanna fuck the shit
out of that girl, man!
3169
02:22:25,639 --> 02:22:27,334
" I'm gonna
fuck that girl!"
3170
02:22:27,441 --> 02:22:28,601
And I, like,
can't even say that.
3171
02:22:28,709 --> 02:22:30,199
I can't even pretend
I would do that.
3172
02:22:30,311 --> 02:22:31,676
I see a hot girl
on TV and I'm like,
3173
02:22:31,779 --> 02:22:35,112
" Man, I would friend
the shit out of her!
3174
02:22:36,317 --> 02:22:41,118
" I'd friend her all night!
I would be her girlfriend!
3175
02:22:41,622 --> 02:22:44,591
" I would drive her
to the airport, man!
3176
02:22:45,926 --> 02:22:49,862
" I would hold her purse while
she shopped, all over her tits!"
3177
02:22:50,197 --> 02:22:51,994
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
3178
02:22:56,804 --> 02:22:58,101
Thank you.
3179
02:22:59,106 --> 02:23:02,598
Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a
half-pint of macaroni salad, please.
3180
02:23:03,777 --> 02:23:04,744
(CLEARS THROAT)
3181
02:23:04,845 --> 02:23:06,938
Um...
Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay?
3182
02:23:07,047 --> 02:23:08,480
Okay, thanks.
3183
02:23:09,483 --> 02:23:11,280
(IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
The last time I came here,
3184
02:23:11,385 --> 02:23:14,980
the roast beef you gave me
had the string still around it
3185
02:23:15,089 --> 02:23:19,788
and I was unaware of this and fed
it to my husband, and he choked.
3186
02:23:23,364 --> 02:23:24,956
How's it going, George?
3187
02:23:26,333 --> 02:23:29,825
You get a break or anything
where you can talk?
3188
02:23:29,937 --> 02:23:33,532
Okay, yeah. Sure.
Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man?
3189
02:23:35,409 --> 02:23:36,774
Shit.
3190
02:23:37,845 --> 02:23:38,812
(CLICKS)
3191
02:23:42,249 --> 02:23:43,443
(SIGHS)
3192
02:23:49,123 --> 02:23:51,614
So, you had to get
your job back here, huh?
3193
02:23:53,260 --> 02:23:57,321
Yeah. You know, I figured I
could use a little job stability.
3194
02:23:57,865 --> 02:23:59,628
Oh, I'm sorry.
3195
02:23:59,900 --> 02:24:03,233
I get health insurance.
It's pretty good.
3196
02:24:03,904 --> 02:24:10,173
So, I thought a lot about
what you said in the car to me.
3197
02:24:11,145 --> 02:24:14,842
A few of those things
might have been accurate.
3198
02:24:15,749 --> 02:24:19,583
You tried to help me and I'm sorry I
put you in the middle of all that stuff.
3199
02:24:20,220 --> 02:24:22,984
I'm better in my body.
3200
02:24:23,090 --> 02:24:26,821
My brain has a ways to go, though.
3201
02:24:29,029 --> 02:24:31,623
How are you doing, though?
You're doing okay?
3202
02:24:35,502 --> 02:24:36,969
I don't know, Ira.
3203
02:24:41,508 --> 02:24:42,475
I...
3204
02:24:43,110 --> 02:24:46,477
I caught your whole set
the other night, Ira. Nice.
3205
02:24:47,147 --> 02:24:48,808
Yeah, yeah, no,
you're getting a rhythm.
3206
02:24:48,916 --> 02:24:53,012
You're starting to be the Ira
I like in real life onstage.
3207
02:24:53,120 --> 02:24:55,816
Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up
a lot lately, so it's going well.
3208
02:24:55,923 --> 02:24:59,017
Yeah, you were funny,
and it was a fart-free set.
3209
02:24:59,393 --> 02:25:03,295
I wrote some stuff down that
night that... Some jokes.
3210
02:25:03,397 --> 02:25:05,160
You want to hear it?
3211
02:25:05,265 --> 02:25:06,960
You what?
3212
02:25:07,067 --> 02:25:10,332
I couldn't stop thinking of jokes
for you last night. It was bizarre.
3213
02:25:11,038 --> 02:25:14,030
I'm not saying they're
good jokes, but I try.
3214
02:25:16,043 --> 02:25:17,442
You actually wrote them down!
3215
02:25:17,544 --> 02:25:20,138
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My fucking memory's horrible.
3216
02:25:20,848 --> 02:25:24,784
That thing you did about the
Wii Fit thing. What's that?
3217
02:25:24,918 --> 02:25:26,852
Oh, like, "My video game..."
- Yeah.
3218
02:25:26,954 --> 02:25:28,717
"My video game told me I'm fat?"
3219
02:25:28,822 --> 02:25:30,619
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"The ultimate betrayal." Yeah.
3220
02:25:30,724 --> 02:25:35,320
Right, right. You could maybe say, "I mean,
that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy."
3221
02:25:35,496 --> 02:25:36,656
Oh, that's really funny.
3222
02:25:36,764 --> 02:25:38,732
"And the Wii is similar
to my grandmother.
3223
02:25:38,832 --> 02:25:40,629
"She used to tell me
I'm getting chubby
3224
02:25:40,734 --> 02:25:43,760
"and then bring me chicken parmesan
and say, 'Why are you so fat?"'
3225
02:25:43,871 --> 02:25:44,929
(LAUGHING)
3226
02:25:45,038 --> 02:25:46,198
That's really funny!
3227
02:25:46,306 --> 02:25:49,434
It's true. The video game made me
fat and... It is like my grandmother.
3228
02:25:49,543 --> 02:25:50,567
All right.
"Why are you so fat?
3229
02:25:50,677 --> 02:25:52,440
"Here's four gallons
of chocolate milk."
3230
02:25:52,546 --> 02:25:54,013
That's good!
She would always do that.
3231
02:25:54,114 --> 02:25:55,979
That's good.
I got one I've been afraid to tell,
3232
02:25:56,083 --> 02:25:59,883
kind of, about, like, Viagra.
It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra
3233
02:25:59,987 --> 02:26:02,922
"and he thought he was
tittie-fucking my grandmother..."
3234
02:26:03,023 --> 02:26:04,513
Yeah?
- "But then he realized he was tittie-fucking
3235
02:26:04,625 --> 02:26:05,592
"his own balls."
3236
02:26:05,692 --> 02:26:07,216
(BOTH LAUGHING)
3237
02:26:07,594 --> 02:26:08,891
That's funny!
You got to do that!
3238
02:26:08,996 --> 02:26:10,258
That's pretty funny, huh?
3239
02:26:10,364 --> 02:26:13,026
You got to say that the thing...
That when you're that old
3240
02:26:13,133 --> 02:26:15,567
and you have a boner that there's
not a good position, you know?
3241
02:26:15,669 --> 02:26:16,829
That's funny!
That's really...
3242
02:26:16,937 --> 02:26:18,461
You do it doggy-style,
your knees hurt.
3243
02:26:18,572 --> 02:26:20,437
You get water on your knee.
3244
02:26:20,541 --> 02:26:22,304
"I can't even hold myself up in..."
- Exactly.
3245
02:26:22,409 --> 02:26:24,274
"What would an old man do?"
- Yeah...
3246
02:26:24,511 --> 02:26:26,479
(ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
3247
02:28:36,743 --> 02:28:38,370
WARREN ZEVON: Let's do
another bad one then
3248
02:28:38,478 --> 02:28:42,073
'cause I like it when the
blood drains from David's face.
3249
02:28:42,416 --> 02:28:44,350
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
3250
02:30:39,766 --> 02:30:40,733
MABLE: Okay.
3251
02:30:40,834 --> 02:30:42,825
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
3252
02:31:08,695 --> 02:31:15,066
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends
of smoky days
3253
02:31:15,168 --> 02:31:20,936
The stale cold smell
of morning
3254
02:31:22,476 --> 02:31:28,779
The streetlamp dies,
another night is over
3255
02:31:29,449 --> 02:31:35,081
Another day is dawning
3256
02:31:36,857 --> 02:31:42,227
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
3257
02:31:42,796 --> 02:31:49,292
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
3258
02:31:50,670 --> 02:31:57,007
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
3259
02:31:58,211 --> 02:32:02,671
Look, a new day
3260
02:32:02,783 --> 02:32:07,482
has begun
3261
02:32:17,483 --> 02:32:18,483
Subtitles by LeapinLar