WAAH!
UHH!
AAH!
Vince: IT SEEMED LIKE ANY OTHER DAY.
LITTLE JIMMY KRATMER.
WAS PLAYING WITH HIS FOOTBALL LIKE ALWAYS.
THEN SUDDENLY, IT HAPPENED.
Jimmy: NO!
AND THEY NEVER SAW LITTLE JIMMY KRATMER AGAIN.
NEVER?
WOW. THAT'S WEIRD.
THAT'S NOT SO WEIRD.
I HEARD ABOUT A GUY WHO ALL HE WOULD EAT IS CARROTS.
THEN ONE DAY HE WOKE UP, AND HE WAS TOTALLY ORANGE.
WHAT ABOUT THE KID WHO GOT BRACES
AND STARTED PICKING UP RADIO STATIONS?
HE GOT NEWS, WEATHER, AND SPORTS EVERY SIX MINUTES.
OR THE KID WHO GOT STUCK UNDER A MOVING TRAIN.
ALL THAT WAS LEFT
WERE THREE FINGERS AND A FLAT PIECE OF GUM.
YEAH, SURE, SURE, IT WAS, MAN.
Butch: HA!
YOU KIDS MAKE ME LAUGH.
ALIENS, TRAINS, CARROTS... THAT'S KID STUFF.
I CAN TELL YOU A STORY SO TERRIBLE
YOUR TEETH WOULD CURL.
BUTCH, IS THAT YOU?
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
HAD A SCARE THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU KIDS WILL NEVER KNOW.
TELL US ABOUT IT.
I WOULD IF I THOUGHT YOU GUYS COULD HANDLE IT.
WE CAN HANDLE IT, CAN'T WE, GUYS?
YEAH, SURE WE CAN.
ALL RIGHT, BUT IT'S NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.
NOT A PRETTY PICTURE AT ALL.
IT ALL STARTED ON A NORMAL SATURDAY AFTERNOON
ABOUT A WEEK AGO.
LIKE ALWAYS, I WAS DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
SPYING ON MY BIG BROTHER JOEY.
FOR MONTHS, CHRISTIE HAD BEEN COMING OVER TO SEE HIM.
I KNOW CHRISTIE WAS A GIRL,
BUT I NEVER THOUGHT NOTHING SINISTER OF IT.
USUALLY THEY'D JUST SIT AROUND WATCHING TV,
BUT NOT THIS TIME.
THIS SATURDAY EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO CHANGE.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMETHING CAME OVER JOEY.
HE STARTED TO GET A FUNNY LOOK IN HIS EYE.
THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY WEIRD.
CLOSER AND CLOSER THEY CAME, THEIR FACES ALMOST TOUCHING,
UNTIL... UNTIL... UNTIL THEY KISSED!
NO!
IT WAS HORRIBLE... THEIR EYES GETTING GOOGLY,
THEIR LIPS SLURPING AND SMACKING.
NO, IT CAN'T BE TRUE!
YOU'RE MAKING IT UP.
GOOD SWEET MIKE, I WISH I WAS, BUT I'M NOT.
JOEY KISSED THAT GIRL, AND WHAT'S MORE,
HE LIKED IT.
AT LEAST OUR STORIES ARE BELIEVABLE.
HE LIKED IT. HE TOLD ME SO HIMSELF.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL HE TOLD ME.
WELL, WHAT ELSE DID HE SAY?
SEE ALL THIS STUFF...
SWING SET, JUNGLE GYM, SANDBOX?
WELL, THEY'RE THE PAST.
GUYS, I'VE SEEN THE FUTURE,
AND THE FUTURE IS GIRLS.
All: NO!
BOYS KISSING GIRLS,
GIRLS KISSING BOYS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? WE'RE ALL GOING TO LIKE IT!
HA HA HA HA!
EW! EW!
BOYS KISSING GIRLS, GIRLS KISSING BOYS?
SURELY THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
THIS DEFIES RULES OF NATURE AND PHYSICS.
BESIDES, IT'S DISGUSTING.
BUTCH SAID IT'S THE FUTURE. HIS BROTHER JOEY TOLD HIM.
THE DAY I STOP CARING ABOUT DODGEBALL
IS THE DAY THE EARTH STARTS SPINNING AROUND THE SUN.
WHICH EXPLAINS THE D-MINUS SHE GOT IN SCIENCE.
MAYBE BUTCH WAS LYING.
I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS. I'VE SEEN IT IN MOVIES.
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO REMIND YOU
NOT TO TELL ANYONE YOU WATCH THAT MUSHY LOVE JUNK?
THE GUYS IN THE MOVIES SURE SEEM TO LIKE IT.
THAT'S CALLED ACTING.
IT'S NOT REAL... LIKE WHEN A GUY JUMPS
OUT OF A HELICOPTER AND DOESN'T GET HURT.
IT DOESN'T HAPPEN LIKE THAT.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
SURE. BUTCH WAS JUST MAKING THE WHOLE THING UP.
NOW COME ON. I'LL CREAM YOU IN A GAME OF DODGEBALL.
Butch's voice: BOYS KISSING GIRLS...
GIRLS KISSING BOYS.
HA HA HA!
Butch's voice: THE FUTURE... THE FUTURE...
THE FUTURE.
IT CAN'T BE TRUE. IT JUST CAN'T BE.
WHO KNOWS? THAT'S THE PROBLEM. WHO KNOWS?
WE'RE LETTING THIS TAKE OVER OUR BRAINS.
T.J.'s RIGHT. THERE'S ONLY ONE SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEM.
WE HAVE TO CONDUCT AN EXPERIMENT.
AN EXPERIMENT?
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS HOLD A SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY,
FIND A WILLING BOY AND GIRL, OBSERVE THEM KISSING,
ASK THEM TO DESCRIBE THEIR REACTIONS.
WE CAN DO IT TOMORROW BEFORE SCHOOL.
GRETCHEN, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
ONLY ONE PROBLEM...
WHO'S GOING TO BE THE GUY AND THE GIRL?
IT'S GOT TO BE ONE OF US.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GOING TO BE ABLE
TO TRUST OUR FINDINGS.
THEN I GUESS THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO CHOOSE...
THE STRAWS.
NOW, DOES EVERYONE AGREE TO THE ANCIENT RITE OF THE STRAWS,
TO LIVE BY THE JUDGMENT OF THE STRAWS,
TO BE BOUND BY THE DECISION OF THE STRAWS,
AND TO NEVER BACK OUT NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME?
OKAY.
Both: NO! NO! NO!
SO LONG, HAPPY CHILDHOOD.
GOODBYE, BASEBALL GLOVE.
GOODBYE, HOCKEY STICK. GOODBYE... HEY!
MY MR. MONK-MONK.
ROTTEN, LOUSY, STUPID...
HEY, MY MR. MONK-MONK.
AAH!
COME ON, VINCE, ANYTHING YOU WANT...
MONEY, GOLD, TENNIS SHOES.
CAN'T HELP YOU, MAN. VOW OF THE STRAWS.
OH.
I'M CALM. I'M COOL.
ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS ONE THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
GET ME OUT OF THESE THINGS!
I'LL GIVE YOU MY COLLECTION OF "MANIAC MAN" COMIC BOOKS
IN MINT CONDITION.
ALREADY READ THEM.
HOW ABOUT MY BRAND-NEW ROAD-BRUISER MOUNTAIN BIKE?
I'M NOT LISTENING.
THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY.
I MEAN, WHY WOULD I WANT TO KISS HIM?
HE'S MY FRIEND.
OKAY, ONE LAST THING, AND YOU'LL BE PERFECT...
A LITTLE LIPSTICK.
TOUCH ME WITH THAT, AND I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM.
WHAT ABOUT MY REPUTATION?
NO DECENT KID WILL ASSOCIATE WITH ME AFTER THIS.
I WILL. OF COURSE, NOT AT SCHOOL OR ANYTHING.
LET ME GO!
YOU REALIZE WE'LL PROBABLY
HAVE TO GET MARRIED AFTER THIS.
I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO KILL YOU AFTER THIS.
OKAY, OKAY. LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.
RIGHT, BEFORE ANYONE SEES US.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S THERE?
OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU LAUGHED?
SHOW YOURSELF OR DIE!
OKAY, WHO TOLD THEM?
I DIDN'T. NOT ME.
NOT ME. NEVER SAID A WORD.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I MIGHT HAVE SAID SOMETHING,
BUT JUST TO ONE KID.
I MENTIONED IT TO A COLLEAGUE AT THE SCIENCE CLUB.
MAYBE 15 IF YOU COUNT MISS FURLEY'S CLASS.
WELL, ISN'T THIS SOMETHING?
HERE WE ARE, SWORN TO A VOW OF SILENCE,
AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T GO BLABBING.
FRANKLY, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU GUYS.
MIKEY, THANKS FOR THE TIP. SORRY I'M LATE.
WELL, I'M NOT DOING THIS WITH EVERY KID
ON THE PLAYGROUND WATCHING.
BUT INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.
WE MUST CONTINUE FOR THE GOOD OF SCIENCE.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU KISS HIM, MADAM CURIE?
OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL.
WE'LL MEET AFTER SCHOOL IN THE PARK.
THE KISS HAS BEEN RESCHEDULED
FOR AFTER SCHOOL IN THE PARK.
Girl: I'LL BRING MY VIDEO CAMERA.
MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH RIGHT NOW.
A QUICK PUCKER, A PECK, AND WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
THE KISS IS BACK ON.
EW! EW!
YUCK! PUKE CITY!
QUICK, SOMEBODY GET ME SOME MOUTHWASH.
NOW WE KNOW FOR SURE.
THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE EVER GOING TO WANT TO KISS GIRLS.
AND WE AREN'T GOING TO WANT TO KISS YOU GUYS, NEITHER.
WE BETTER GET TO CLASS
BEFORE MISS GROTKE GIVES US ALL TARDIES.
BUTCH AND HIS CRAZY STORIES.
YEAH, US KISSING EACH OTHER?
THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I HEARD SINCE THAT STUFF
ABOUT JIMMY KRATMER AND THE ALIENS.
YEAH, WHO WOULD EVER BELIEVE A STUPID STORY LIKE THAT?
THANKS FOR THE RIDE, DUDES.
WHOOPS. BETTER GET TO CLASS.
LAST ONE ON OLD RUSTY
HAS TO GIVE MISS FINSTER A SPONGE BATH!
HEY, THAT'S MY JOB.
MAN, I LOVE THIS THING.
OH, PRINCIPAL PRICKLY.
WHAT BRINGS YOU OUT ON THE PLAYGROUND, SIR?
YOUR HAPPINESS, SON. TAPE IT OFF, BOYS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE SCHOOL BOARD HAS RELEASED SOME FUNDS.
YOU KIDS ARE GOING TO GET A BRAND-NEW JUNGLE GYM...
AS SOON AS WE TEAR DOWN THIS HUNK OF JUNK.
YOU'RE GOING TO TEAR DOWN OLD RUSTY?
OLD RUSTY... ISN'T THAT QUAINT?
THAT'S RIGHT, KID.
THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WILL BE HERE BY 11:00
TO START WRECKING, SO STAY OFF THIS THING,
AND REMEMBER, IF ANYBODY ASKS,
MR. PRICKLY IS A GREAT PRINCIPAL,
AND HIS FIRST PRIORITY
IS NOW AND ALWAYS WILL BE YOU CHILDREN.
GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU BRATS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
RECESS WITHOUT OLD RUSTY... SAY IT AIN'T SO.
WHY DO GROWN-UPS ALWAYS DO THESE THINGS?
I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS OLD THING.
RIGHT HERE IS WHERE THE SWINGING GIRL
LAUGHED SO HARD SHE SWALLOWED HER LOOSE TOOTH.
THERE'S WHERE BINKY JONES FELL OFF
AND HAD TO HAVE THAT PLATE PUT IN HIS HEAD.
YOU JUST CAN'T REPLACE MEMORIES LIKE THAT.
OLD RUSTY WAS HERE WHEN MY BROTHER WAS IN SCHOOL.
OLD RUSTY WAS HERE WHEN MY MOM WAS IN SCHOOL.
OLD RUSTY WAS HERE
WHEN MY GREAT-UNCLE MARY WAS IN SCHOOL.
YOUR UNCLE MARY? DON'T ASK.
WHO KNOWS HOW LONG OLD RUSTY'S
REALLY BEEN HERE?
Mikey: I'LL BET OLD RUSTY'S OLDER THAN THAT.
Spinelli: OLDER THAN THAT.
OLD RUSTY'S BEEN HERE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME.
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW THE MAIN REASON
I'LL NEVER FORGET OLD RUSTY?
BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT HERE,
ON THE FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN,
WHERE THE FIVE OF US FIRST MET.
HI.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S THAT.
AREN'T YOU COMING?
I'M GOING TO PLAY ON OLD RUSTY A LITTLE LONGER.
RECESS IS OVER.
MISS GROTKE WILL SEND YOU TO THE OFFICE.
SHE'LL UNDERSTAND. I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
SUIT YOURSELF.
SO THEN THE BUS DRIVER SAYS TO THE STRING,
"HEY, ARE YOU A STRING?"
AND THE STRING SAYS, "NOPE, I'M A FRAYED KNOT."
HEY, KID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?
PLAYING.
GET DOWN FROM THERE.
I CAN'T.
GET OFF THAT THING. WE GOT ORDERS TO KNOCK IT DOWN.
SORRY.
EITHER YOU GET OFF,
OR WE'RE GOING TO KNOCK IT DOWN WITH YOU ON IT.
IF THAT'S HOW I HAVE TO GO, THEN SO BE IT.
T.J. DETWEILER...
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU'D BE BEHIND THIS.
WHAT DISGUSTING THING ARE YOU UP TO NOW?
PLAYING.
GET DOWN FROM THERE THIS MINUTE!
SORRY, MISS FINSTER, BUT IF I GET DOWN,
THOSE MEN ARE GOING TO WRECK OLD RUSTY.
HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT,
YOU LITTLE HOOLIGAN?
GET OFF OF THAT THING, OR I'LL TAKE MY SHOE TO YOU.
NEVER. OLD RUSTY'S THE HEART AND SOUL OF THIS SCHOOL.
IT'S ALMOST AS OLD AS YOU.
WITHOUT OLD RUSTY, THIS PLACE WOULD JUST BE A BIG BUILDING
WITH A BUNCH OF BOOKS AND TEACHERS.
I SAID GET DOWN FROM THERE, DETWEILER,
BEFORE I HAVE TO COME UP THERE AND GET YOU MYSELF!
THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO GET ME, TOO.
AND ME.
YOU MIGHT GET ONE OF US, BUT YOU CAN'T GET US ALL.
YOU BRATS HAVE 10 SECONDS TO GET DOWN FROM THERE,
OR I'LL HAVE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU EXPELLED.
1... 2...
WHAT DO WE WANT?
Children: A JUNGLE GYM!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
THAT'S IT. DO SOMETHING!
TEARING DOWN A JUNGLE GYM WITH KIDS ON IT
IS AGAINST UNION RULES.
IT DIDN'T USED TO BE, BUT WE HAD A MEETING.
UGH!
THEY'RE GIVING UP.
WE WON.
I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT. I REALLY HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.
♪ SOMEONE'S SWINGING, MY LORD ♪
♪ KUMBAYA ♪
ALL THESE KIDS UNIFIED
AGAINST THE FORCES OF OPPRESSION...
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, REAL BEAUTIFUL,
BUT WHAT'S THE MAN UP TO NOW?
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
ME, TOO, SPINELLI. ME, TOO.
THIS IS A DISASTER, YOU HEAR ME?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT MY CAREER?
IF THE PAPERS GET WIND OF THIS,
I CAN KISS THE JOB AT SPIRO AGNEW MIDDLE SCHOOL GOODBYE.
MAYBE THE KIDS HAVE A POINT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT.
IT'S JUST A JUNGLE GYM.
JUST A JUNGLE GYM?
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A TROUBLEMAKER, GROTKE.
GIVE IN TO THE JUNGLE GYM TODAY,
AND THEY'LL WANT BETTER FOOD TOMORROW.
SOON THEY'LL DEMAND A LONGER RECESS
AND THEN MORE FREE READING TIME.
EVENTUALLY, ROCK AND ROLL WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD, SOCIETY WILL CRUMBLE,
AND WESTERN CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT
WILL COME TO AN END!
I SEE YOUR POINT, MISS FINSTER,
BUT WE CAN'T START BY USING FORCE.
WE FIRST NEED TO TAKE A MIDDLE COURSE.
I'LL TRY TO REASON WITH THEM,
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL EXECUTE PLAN "P."
PLAN "P"?
BUT, PRINCIPAL PRICKLY,
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A BIT EXTREME?
EXTREME TIMES CALL FOR EXTREME MEASURES, MISS GROTKE.
EXCELLENT.
♪ SOMEONE'S DIGGING, MY LORD ♪
♪ KUMBAYA ♪
FACULTY APPROACHING.
HELLO, CHILDREN. LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?
IN FACT, IT'S SUCH A LOVELY DAY,
WHY WASTE IT ON THIS RICKETY PIECE OF JUNK?
IF YOU'D STEP DOWN FOR A MOMENT,
WE COULD EXCHANGE IT FOR A BRAND-NEW
HIGH-IMPACT PLASTIC ONE.
IT HAS A REALISTIC PLASTIC CAPTAIN'S WHEEL.
NEVER. OLD RUSTY IS OURS, AND WE'LL NEVER GIVE HIM UP.
Children: YEAH!
PERHAPS IF I EXPLAIN THINGS,
YOU'LL SEE THE LIGHT OF REASON.
OLD RUSTY IS SCHOOL PROPERTY.
AS THE KEEPER OF SCHOOL PROPERTY,
I FEEL A CERTAIN SENSE OF OWNERSHIP OVER IT.
IN THE NAME OF THIRD STREET SCHOOL,
IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO SAY TO YOU
GET OFF MY JUNGLE GYM!
YOUR JUNGLE GYM?
HOW CAN YOU OWN A JUNGLE GYM?
HOW CAN YOU OWN THE WAY THE MONKEY BARS FEEL
IN A KID'S FINGERS WHEN HE'S HANGING IN MIDAIR?
HOW CAN YOU PUT A PRICE
ON THE COOL, CLEAN FEEL OF METAL ON A GUY'S BUTT
WHEN HE'S SLIDING FULL-BLAST DOWN A SLIDE?
IT'S LIKE MAGIC.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PRINCIPAL PRICKLY.
MAGIC IS NOT SCHOOL PROPERTY.
HECK, NO, WE WON'T GO!
Children: HECK, NO, WE WON'T GO!
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
MISS FINSTER, EXECUTE PLAN "P."
THAT'S RIGHT. I'M CALLING YOUR PARENTS.
OUR PARENTS?
HOW LOW CAN THEY GET?
OH, HEARTLESS FIENDS!
THIS BETTER BE GOOD, FINSTER.
I HAD TO CANCEL YOGA TO COME DOWN HERE.
♪ WE SHALL NOT, WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED ♪
♪ WE SHALL NOT ♪
LOOK WHAT YOUR ROTTEN CHILDREN ARE UP TO.
THEY'VE INSTIGATED A RIOT!
ISN'T THAT THE SAME JUNGLE GYM WE USED TO PLAY ON?
THAT THING IS OLD.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO TEAR IT DOWN.
TEAR IT DOWN?
YOU CAN'T TEAR OLD RUSTY DOWN.
THIS IS WHERE LAURA JAMESON LAUGHED SO HARD
SHE SWALLOWED HER LOOSE TOOTH.
WHERE RANDY FELL OFF AND BROKE HIS ARM.
YOU STILL GOT THAT PLATE IN YOUR HEAD?
SURE DO.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING?
YOUR KIDS ARE STANDING IN THE WAY OF PROGRESS.
AS PARENTS, IT'S YOUR JOB TO STOP THEM.
GET OVER THERE AND DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
DON'T WORRY, PRINCIPAL PRICKLY.
WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
♪ WE SHALL NOT, WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED ♪
♪ WE SHALL NOT ♪
♪ WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED ♪
♪ JUST LIKE A SEED ♪
BUT YOU PEOPLE CAN'T DO THIS!
ACTUALLY, SIR, THEY CAN.
WHAT?
THAT WOMAN IS MRS. HENNESSEY, THE PRESIDENT OF THE PTA,
AND THAT'S JACK RILEY,
THE SUPERINTENDENT'S BROTHER-IN-LAW.
FINE. THEY WANT TO KEEP THIS PILE OF RUST, LET THEM.
KEEP IT, DO YOU HEAR ME? GO AHEAD AND KEEP IT!
UH, T.J., I'VE BEEN DOING SOME FIGURING,
AND ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,
WITH THIS MUCH WEIGHT ON IT,
THE STRUCTURAL LIMITS OF OLD RUSTY...
WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
THERE ARE TOO MANY...
LOOK OUT! SHE'S GOING TO CAVE!
AFTER ALL THAT, AND NOW IT'S GONE.
MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO.
HEY, LOU, DOESN'T THE MEGA 2000
USE THE SAME 3/4-INCH 260 PIPE AS THIS?
YEAH, AND IT'S GOT ONE OF THESE
4.5-FOOT LUCAS SHAFTS, TOO.
YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
FOLKS, LEAVE IT TO US.
I CHRISTEN YOU "NEW RUSTY."
YOU KNOW, LOU, I THINK WE DONE GOOD.
MOCHA LATTE?
MAN, I LOVE THIS THING.