Ah!
Saturday...
September 25th...
Another heavenly day.
Ah, yes.
It's always a heavenly day.
Every day is perfect.
Nothing but happiness.
Ah, yes, happiness, happiness, happiness.
I have everything that any man or angel could desire:
Beautiful memories of the past,
pictures, toys...
Ha ha!
Toys.
Children play with the dreams of tomorrow...
And old men play with memories of yesterday.
Broadway.
Ah, Broadway. I can see it yet.
The Broadway of 1907.
The Broadway that was waiting for me.
An innocent world believing in a golden future,
full of peace and laughter and beautiful girls.
And here's the theater where my first follies opened.
As I look at that theater now,
it's all mine forever.
No taxes, no bills, and no competitors.
There they are, my first public
the high and mighty and the hoi-polloi.
And here they're all mine.
Eternal toys that never grow older.
Look at Mrs. Astor in her beautiful carriage
with her famous horse.
Much more famous that night than Ziegfeld.
And didn't the horse know it!
(Whinnies)
And diamond Jim Brady,
with no horse, but what a filly inside the car.
There they are an old New York first-night audience.
The judge and the jury.
What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?
Show us your magic if you dare.
Make us dream if you can.
What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?
Anna held hourglass girls.
(Orchestra plays it's delightful to be married)
Thank you, Mrs. Astor.
I can pretend all my great stars never grew older,
are still dancing and singing as they did years ago.
Marilyn Miller.
Fanny Brice.
♪ Look at me, oh, look at me ♪
♪ I'm an Indian, aha, I'm an Indian ♪
Will Rogers.
Well, uh... What'll I talk about?
I ain't got anything to say that's funny.
All I know is what I read in the paper.
Eddie cantor.
♪ If you knew Susie like I know Susie ♪
♪ Oh!
Oh!
Oh, what a girl ♪
♪ There's none so classy as this fair Lassie ♪
♪ Oh!
Oh!
Holy Moses, what a chassis ♪
♪ We went riding, she didn't balk ♪
♪ Back from yonkers, I'm the one who had to walk ♪
♪ If you knew Susie like I know Susie ♪
♪ Oh!
Oh, what a girl ♪
I can hear the applause
as if it hadn't disappeared into the past.
The New York night still burns for me
with the names I branded into the sky.
Great shows that were part of the dreams of America.
How many millions of people today
remember their courtships, their honeymoons,
their anniversaries, their happiest moments,
in terms of a Ziegfeld show.
The world will never forget the Ziegfeld follies.
Ah, those were the good old days.
And yet, I wonder...
Are those days really over?
Just because I moved up here,
did the follies have to die, too?
Couldn't there be a new follies?
No. No, I suppose not.
After all,
how could there be a Ziegfeld follies
without Ziegfeld?
What I would give to be able to put on one more follies.
Yes.
So many personalities down there to choose from...
Great personalities from my day
and great ones that have come up since.
How would I open?
Let's see...
Uh...I'd like a crayon and paper.
Thank you.
I think I'd open with a pink number.
Yes! A beautiful pink number
with beautiful pink-and-white blue-eyed girls.
Yes, and maybe to introduce the whole thing...
Well, who would be better than my old friend Fred Astaire?
A great star, Freddie.
Ho ho, I'd be taking no chances with him.
And I know Freddie would say something very nice about me.
What can I say about Ziegfeld?
Well, I can only tell you that as long as there's a dance,
a song, a musical show, and it's good...
Somewhere around or in it is Ziegfeld.
He never cared so much about villains, plots, stories.
The follies never had a story.
The Ziegfeld follies was itself a story of an era.
If it was gay, bright, beautiful...
That's how Ziggy wanted it.
And, oh, I almost forgot.
The girls.
Ziggy was a specialist at glorifying girls.
That's one of the most important things
about the follies, you know.
So...
♪ Here's to the beautiful ladies ♪
♪ Here's to those wonderful girls ♪
♪ Adeles and Mollys, Luciles and Pollys ♪
♪ You'll find them all in the Ziegfeld follies ♪
♪ Here's to the silks and the satins ♪
♪ Here's to the diamonds and pearls ♪
♪ This is the mixture to start the picture ♪
♪ So bring on the beautiful girls ♪
♪ Here's to the silks and the satins ♪
♪ Here's to the diamonds and pearls ♪
♪ A sweet endeavor, a joy forever ♪
♪ So bring on the beautiful girls ♪
Chorus ♪ here's to the beautiful ladies ♪
♪ Here's to those wonderful girls ♪
♪ Adeles and Mollys, Luciles and Pollys ♪
♪ You'll find them all
in the Ziegfeld follies ♪
♪ Here's to the silks and the satins ♪
♪ Here's to the diamonds and pearls ♪
♪ A joy forever, a sweet endeavor ♪
♪ To bring on the beautiful girls ♪
(Whip cracks)
♪ This is the mixture to start the picture ♪
♪ So bring on the beautiful girls ♪
(william tell overture plays)
Whoa!
♪ All this yap-yap-yap about glorifyin' dames ♪
♪ Leaves me like a cold potato ♪
♪ I'd much rather be with a handsome he ♪
♪ Like Van Johnson, who's a real tomato ♪
♪ Or a date with Fred MacMurray ♪
♪ You can bet your life I'd hurry ♪
♪ And a guy like Mischa Auer ♪
♪ Has me completely in his power ♪
♪ In fact, most any man I see ♪
♪ Is the only man for me ♪
Whee!
♪ Bring on those wonderful men ♪
♪ Bring me an elegant guy ♪
♪ A soldier or Sailor ♪
♪ A gable or Taylor ♪
♪ A short or a tall one, I just wanna call one ♪
♪ My own private wonderful he ♪
♪ Bring what you can to me ♪
♪ Bring me a guy to pin up ♪
♪ Bring me a prince on a horse ♪
♪ A dark or a light one, I just wanna sight one ♪
♪ Who'd call me his missus and give with the kisses ♪
♪ I'm afraid I've a terrible yen ♪
♪ For those wonderful m-e-n ♪
♪ Amor, amor ♪
♪ There must be someone for me, but what's he waitin' for ♪
♪ No hope, no soap ♪
♪ If he don't appear I fear I'm at the end of my rope ♪
♪ Oh, bring on a male who ain't frail ♪
♪ Bring on a man from a cave ♪
♪ Someone to relax with and pay income tax with ♪
♪ And though he's from hunger, I'm not gettin' younger ♪
♪ And I'd like to get on with my plan ♪
♪ To glorify the American man ♪
♪ I know the men are few ♪
♪ But what's a gal to do ♪
♪ I'll get a man before I'm through ♪
Hey!
You in the third row.
♪ Bring on those wonderful men ♪
(Whistling)
Oh, ho ho, could you tell me where the telephone is, please?
Oh, thank you.
(Whistling)
Say, could you tell...
- Number, please. - Oh, operator,
I would like Plaza 5-5597, please.
Plaza 5-5597?
One moment, please.
Thank you.
(Whistling)
- Man hello. - Oh, hello, Louie?
(Angry) What number you want?
Uh, Plaza 5-5597.
Well, this is Morningside 3-3333.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Aw, drop dead, will ya?!
(Click)
Yeah, I'll... I'll do that.
- Operator? - Number, please.
Oh, operator, you got me the wrong number.
I wanted Plaza 5-5597, and you got me...
One moment, please.
I'll get you the complaint department.
Oh, you don't have to get me the complaint depart...
Hello, complaint department?
New operator complaint department.
Oh, hello, Beth, how are you?
Boy, have I got a head.
Hitler should have such a head.
Went to the strand last night.
Saw that cute Van Johnson...
Thirty seconds over Japan.
Oh, did you like that picture?
I liked that where the airplanes went over
and dropped...There was a fella had one leg.
- Handsome, brave. - Van Johnson's just divine.
Operator!
(Irked) Hmm!
Number, please.
Operator, believe me when I tell you
that you don't have to get me the complaint department.
I can spare that extra nickel.
I just want Plaza 5-5597.
Plaza 5-5597?
- Yes. - One moment, please.
Thank you.
Oh, hello, Louie?
Recording when you hear the tone,
the time will be exactly
33 1/3 seconds past 10.
(Loud, deep tone)
(Clicks receiver)
- Operator. - Number, please.
Operator, all I want is Plaza 5-5597.
Now, that's Louie Sebastian's cigar store.
It's right around the corner.
I could walk there.
I don't want the world with a fence around it.
All I want is Plaza 5-5597.
Plaza 5-5597?
One moment, please.
Thank you.
Hello, Louie?
Barbershop quartet ♪ happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Mr. Bushy Mendel Horgenforth III ♪
♪ No knife can cut our love in two ♪
♪ Good evening, friends ♪
(southern drawl) Uh, pardon me, sir.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
(Drawling) Hi, operator?
Operator, sweetly number, please.
Say, operator,
I'd like to talk to colonel Culpepper
at the magnolia manor plantation
in Сhattanooga, Tennessee.
Chattanooga, Tennessee!
Hello? Colonel Culpepper?
Uh, hi, cul!
Say, cul, Willie Mae says why don't y'all
drop over for the weekend
and bring Mrs. Culpepper
and all the kids with y'all.
After all, y'all only live once.
- Why, sure! - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh! Well, so long, y'all.
It's been a real pleasure, sir.
Look, operator!
(Drawling) I'd, uh, kinda
like Plaza 5-5597, please.
Why, sure 'nuff, honey Chile.
Hello, Louie?
(Man shouting in Chinese)
(Click) Man chung guff!
Chung...Guff.
(Bellowing) Look, operator!
Number, please.
I would like
Plaza 5-5597.
Will you spell it, please?
(Whimpers)
Plaza! "P" for Plaza,
"I" for Louie,
"a" for annoying,
"z" for Xavier cugat,
"a" for Anaheim, Azusa, Cucamonga...
5-5597!
Westminster 2-2222?
(Whistles)
(Raving)
(Sobs)
- Operator? - Number, please.
- Operator...
Oper...
(Whimpering)
(Sighs longingly)
Hmm!
(Cultured tone) Hello, operator?
Number, please.
I want to speak to sir Geoffrey Kirsten
of the Frennessey Brandy Company,
Capetown, South Africa.
Uh, no, I don't know the number.
(Mocking) Ooh, she don't know the number.
Hello, porky?
(Mocking) Hello, Por...
Man hello? Hello, are you there?
Is that you, Gwendolyn, my darling?
Hello, porky.
(Drops the cultured tone) You stink, you big baboon!
And that goes for you, too, buster.
(Whistling)
(Sweetly) Hello, operator?
Number, please. Number, please.
Operator, I would like to speak to...
Oogu in, uh, dumdum proper, south Transylvania.
No, I don't know the number,
and I don't know Mr. Oogu's first name.
All I know is...Oogu.
Just plain Oogu.
One moment, please.
(Sing-song accent) Hello, Oogu speaking.
Look, Oogu, you won't remember me,
but we met at a preview of Dorian Gray.
Ah, sure, sure.
Yeah, look, Oogu, I wonder if you would do me a favor.
Ah, sure!
Any friend of a friend
is a friend.
Oh, well, I'm glad you feel that way.
Um, look, Oogu...
Would you get me Plaza 5-55...
Operator sorry, your three minutes are up.
That'll be $94.45.
(Lively waltz plays)
♪ Libiamo, libiamo ne' lieti calici ♪
♪ Che la bellezza infiora ♪
♪ E la fuggevol, fuggevol ♪
♪ Or a s'innebrii a volutta ♪
♪ Libiam ne' dolci fremiti ♪
♪ Che luscita I'amore ♪
♪ Poiche quell occhio al core ♪
♪ Omnipotente va ♪
♪ Libiamo, amore, amor frai calici piu ♪
♪ Caldi baci avra ♪
Chorus ♪ ahh, libiam amor fra' calici ♪
♪ Piu' caldi baci avra ♪
♪ Tra voi tra voi sapro' dividera' ♪
♪ Il tempo mi giocondo ♪
♪ Tutti e' follia, follia nel mondo ♪
♪ Cio' che non e placer ♪
♪ Godiam fugace e rapido ♪
♪ E il gaudio Dell' amore ♪
♪ E un fior che nasce e muore ♪
♪ Ne piu' si puo' goder ♪
♪ Godiam, c'invita, c'invita ♪
♪ Un fervido accento lusinghier ♪
Chorus ♪ ahh, godiamo la tazza, la tazza ♪
♪ E il cantico la notte abbella e il riso ♪
♪ In questo, in questo paradiso ♪
♪ Ne scopra il nuovo di ♪
♪ Ia vita e' nel tripudio ♪
♪ Quando non s'ami ancora ♪
♪ Nel dite a chi I'ignore
♪ e il mio destin cosi ♪
♪ Ah-ahh ♪
♪ Godiamo la tazza, la tazza ♪
♪ E il cantico ♪
♪ Ia notte abbella e il riso ♪
♪ In questo, in questo paradiso ♪
♪ Ne scopra il nuovo di ♪
♪ Ahh, ahh, ne scopra il di ♪
♪ Ah, si ♪
Keep moving. Watch your step there.
Step lively. Right this way, please.
Step lively.
Keep moving.
Oh, excuse me.
I beg your pardon.
Now this property that we're going to look at
is worth $190,000.
He's asking $125.
We'll offer him, uh... $55.
We'll offer him $60 and settle for $75.
Nothing doing.
Why don't you leave the bu...
Well, really!
I'm sorry, all right.
Why don't you leave the business end to me?
- I...I... - Ooh.
Eh, heh.
Oh, e-excuse me, little girl.
Madam.
Now, listen, I'll get it for $50,000.
- I'll save ya $25. - Never mind.
If it's worth $150,000, I'll give him $75.
No, $50,000.
Now stop worrying about it, will ya? I'm your lawyer.
Yeah, you're my lawyer.
It'll be like the last deal.
You were gonna save me $25,000,
and I lost the whole deal.
I could've made $200,000.
You're my lawyer!
Ptui!
- Hey, what's the matter? - You're under arrest.
- It ain't lit. - I said you were under arrest.
What for?
For expectoratin' in a subway.
Now I gotta take you to court,
and they'll fine you $2.
Ooh, I...I didn't know what I was doing.
Can't we settle this out of court?
I'll give you the $2.00.
Ok.
Uh, uh, I got it right here.
I...I haven't got it on me.
He'll give you the $2.00.
Give him the $2.00.
I will not!
Have you got any witnesses?
How do you know he expectorated on the floor?
Why, I saw him with my own eyes.
Stop arguing.
What's $2.00? Give him the $2.00.
If we ain't uptown by 8:00,
we'll lose the whole deal.
You won't lose a thing!
I dare you to arrest my client.
Oh, a smart guy, eh?
Yes, I never lost a case in my life.
Well, we'll see about that.
- Come on with me. - Pay him the $2.00.
I'll break you for this, officer.
Pay him the $2.00.
The court finds the defendant guilty
of expectorating in the subway
and hereby fines the defendant $2.
Or 30 days in jail.
All right. Pay him the $2.00.
Nothing doing.
We'll appeal.
Oh! Pay the $2.00.
No, you're a businessman,
and you can't afford to have
a black Mark against you.
We'll take it to a higher court.
Judge take him away.
Oh, please, pay the $2.00.
Don't worry, I'll have you out of here in 20 minutes.
How long have you been in here?
I bet you've got the same lawyer I've got.
Lawyer ♪ ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay ♪
♪ Ta-ra-ra-ra boom-de-ay ♪
Hello, Victor. How are you?
Where have you been?!
I've been waiting here 12 days
for you to get back in 20 minutes.
Oh, now, Victor, don't be so impatient.
I haven't very much time.
I am in a bit of a hurry,
but I couldn't help but drop by
and give you the good news.
The court has granted our motion for an appeal.
Arggh!
"Whereas my client, Victor Moore,
"hereinafter known as the defendant,
"is being sued by the city of New York
for committing a public nuisance..."
Don't mind that stuff.
Just pay him the $2.00.
I will not. I never lost a case in my life.
Say, what are you trying to do...
- Spoil my record? - No!
All I'm trying to do
is get out of jail.
Won't you please pay him the $2.00?
Nothing doing.
You're going to appeal.
And, by the way, I want you to know
that I kept the accounts absolutely straight.
What do you mean "accounts"?
Well, it takes money to file an appeal.
Well, pay the $2.00.
No, no, it's too late.
I've already filed my briefs.
Now here are the accounts.
Never mind.
How much did you spend?
Well, 3 stenographers for 10 days
at $5 a day...$150.
Well, that's for preparing the briefs.
Now, $10 a day for taking the stenographers to lunch.
What do you mean by taking stenographers out to lunch
on my money?!
Don't tell me how to live my life.
Now then, $100 a day for 3 assistants.
$5,000 to Walter Wilson.
- For what?! - For an opinion.
What did Wilson say?
He said, "pay him the $2."
$5,000 to barker, barker, barker & barker.
What did barker, barker, barker and, uh...
- Barker? - Barker.
- What did they say? - Well, they said,
"pay him the $2."
And $5,000 to Jerry geisler for an opinion.
What did geisler say?
Geisler said, "pay him the $2."
Seems to be quite a difference of opinion.
Oh, wait, I'm not through yet.
Now, there's $250 to my nephew for an opinion,
$150 to my niece for an opinion,
and $75 for my wife's opinion.
Well, what are you bringing them in for?
They're not lawyers!
Well, everybody's entitled to their opinion.
- Ohh! - Now comes my opinion.
$3,000.
Ah, but we're gonna win this case.
We've got an Ace in the hole.
We've got 4 witnesses.
What, we ain't got no witnesses.
Oh, yes, we have.
Two are coming from Chicago,
and two are coming from Detroit.
And that makes the total expense to date, uh,
$463,663.63.
(Raving) Oh, for goodness sake,
will ya pay the $2?!
(Gavel pounds twice)
It is the opinion of this court
that the decision of the lower court be reversed.
Reversed! Didn't I tell you?!
Is that good?
Silence!
As a result of the defendant's behavior in the subway,
a deadly germ was spread,
which caused the death of 2 citizens.
We therefore find the defendant guilty
of murder in the first degree,
and the defendant is hereby sentenced
to the punishment of death.
Your honor, we appeal!
(Whimpering) Oh, pay him the $2.
Give 'em each $2.
Victor, you have only a few hours left to live.
Nonsense.
I've got this case all sewed up.
You've got nothing to worry about.
I had the governor on the phone all afternoon,
and the pardon will be here any minute.
What would you like for dinner, Victor?
This will be your last meal.
You can order anything you want.
I can have anything?
Anything.
Uh, you take the order?
Yes, sir.
Well, I'll have an order of toast.
Uh, dry toast.
Not the thin melba toast.
Thicker.
And, uh...
A cup of cocoa...
And some stewed prunes and cream.
Uh, no, b-better leave out the cream.
That's fattening.
Aw, come on, Victor.
Cheer up. Have a cigar.
Didn't I tell you the governor
would come through with the pardon?
Ha ha! Arnold never lost a case.
It's a good thing you had me as a lawyer,
or you would've been a dead pigeon, sure.
You're a lucky man.
Yeah, I'm a lucky man.
You ruined my business,
you wrecked my health,
you spent all my money.
My wife left me because I'm an ex-convict.
My children are disgraced.
I'm a ruined man, and all because of you!
You're a lawyer!
Phooey!
- You're under arrest. - What, again?!
Pay him the $2.
Don't worry, Victor, they can't...
Please pay him the $2.
Don't do a thing, Victor, till you hear from me!
(Trumpet notes indicate voice)
♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
♪ Maybe it was the music ♪
♪ Or the glamorous sky of blue ♪
♪ Maybe it was the mood I was in ♪
♪ Or maybe it was really you ♪
♪ Really you ♪
♪ This heart of mine ♪
♪ Was doing very well ♪
♪ The world was fine ♪
♪ As far as I could tell ♪
♪ And then quite suddenly I saw you ♪
♪ And I dreamed of gay amours ♪
♪ At dawn I'll wake up singing
sentimental overtures ♪
♪ This heart of mine ♪
♪ Is gaily dancing now ♪
♪ I taste the wine ♪
♪ Of real romancing now ♪
♪ Somehow this crazy world has taken on ♪
♪ A wonderful design ♪
♪ As long as life endures ♪
♪ It's yours, this heart of mine ♪
Chorus ♪ this heart of mine ♪
♪ Was doing very well ♪
♪ The world was fine ♪
♪ As far as I could tell ♪
♪ And then quite suddenly I met you ♪
♪ And I dreamed of gay amours ♪
♪ At dawn I woke up singing sentimental overtures ♪
♪ This heart of mine ♪
♪ Is gaily dancing now ♪
♪ I taste the wine ♪
♪ Of real romancing now ♪
♪ Somehow this crazy world has taken on ♪
♪ A wonderful design ♪
♪ As long as life endures ♪
♪ It's yours, this heart of mine ♪
Chorus ♪ somehow this crazy world ♪
♪ Has taken on ♪
♪ A wonderful design ♪
♪ As long as life endures ♪
♪ It's yours ♪
♪ This heart of mine ♪
Hello, operator?
I just dialed a number.
What?
No outgoing calls?
I mailed you a check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
You'll leave the phone connected?
Thank you. Please get me that number.
Hello, is this the butcher?
This is Mrs. Ederman.
I gotta have two pound lamb
chops right away for dinner.
No meat?
I mailed you a check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
I'll get the lamb chops tomorrow.
Thank you.
(Ring-ring)
I mailed you a... Oh, it's the door.
Come in!
- Mrs. Ederman? - Yeah?
- A cablegram. - A cablegram?
Yeah, from Ireland.
Ireland, let me see.
Who do I know in Ireland?
I think you won the sweepstakes.
"Congratulations.
"Your ticket, number 44678,
has been drawn in the Irish sweepstake."
Ah.
Here. I got no change.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I... I won!
Well, somebody, I won!
Oy, monty!
Monty!
Hello! I won!
Oy, Ireland!
What a marvelous city.
- Oy, is that you, monty? - Norma, is dinner re...
Monty! I love you!
Oy, monty, I love you.
What's the matter? You been untrue to me?
Yes...No.
I mean, I just got a cable from Ireland.
Monty, have I got a surprise for you.
- What is it? - You know that ticket
you bought on the sweepstakes?
Well, it won!
We won a steak?
W-w-w-w-we won the sweepstakes?
Yeah! (Wheezing)
A g-g-glass of water, please.
What do you mean, water?
Champagne.
We're rich. All our troubles are over.
Dance! Do something!
Oy, monty!
We're rich! W-w-we're rich!
We...
(Wheezing)
(Stammering)
W-w-w-wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Monty, don't go crazy yet.
- Wait'll we get the money. - I haven't gone crazy,
but something terrible has happened.
What could be terrible when we won the sweepstakes?
Listen, I met the landlord in the hall
and had to pay him the month's rent.
$45.
What's the difference? We'll buy the house.
But you don't understand.
I only had 42.50.
So to make up the extra dollars and a half,
I gave the landlord the sweepstake ticket.
So what?
- What'd you say? - I gave the landlord
the sweepstake ticket.
Monty dear,
you should drop dead.
I'll jump out the window.
Who stops you?
If the landlord knows the ticket won,
he won't give it back.
But if he don't know, we'll get it.
- Quick! - He's out in the hall.
Get him! Get him!
(Sing-song) Mr. Martin!
Mr. Martin?
Mr. Martin!
Ah, come in, Mr. Martin.
Funny. My wife was just
talking about you.
- Hello, Mrs. Ederman. - Oh, Mr. Martin,
sit down.
You look good.
You look absolutely wonderful.
Uh...Make yourself at home.
Here, take an apple.
You know, Mr. Martin, my wife is so superstitious
- about that sweepstake ticket. - Ha ha!
If you'll let me have it back, I'll give you
-the $2.50 tomorrow. - Oh, if that's why
you called me in, I'm going.
I've got the ticket right here in my wallet,
and that's where it's going to stay.
No, no, Mr. Martin.
You know, you never come around to see us.
And we're always so glad to see you.
Uh, why don't you make yourself comfortable?
Go on, take off your coat.
- Sure. - Take it off.
It's hot in here, you know.
Oh, it's so wrinkled.
I could press it for you.
Oh, thank you.
Eeh, the pants is wrinkled, too.
I could press the whole suit in a jiffy.
Oh, no, never mind.
Sure, take off your pants.
Never mind the pants.
If it'll make you feel more at home,
- I'll take off mine. - No, no, no.
Just press the coat.
Do you know that I have a feeling
that this ticket's gonna win?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Pardon me, I don't feel so good.
(Doorbell) Come in!
Here, Mr. Martin. Sit down again.
- Have an apple. - Oh, thanks.
Cablegram, Mrs. Ederman.
Congratulations! Thank you.
Beat it.
Ay!
Why did he offer you congratulatons?
- A relative died. - Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, it's terrible, ain't it?
Now I'm gonna press your coat.
Thank you.
Monty.
Monty,
a London syndicate
is offering us $25,000 for the ticket.
And we ain't got the ticket!
(Wheezing, stammering)
Talk. Talk. Talk, talk.
I...I...I...I...
Don't say a word. Don't say a word.
The trouble with you, you get too excited.
Don't get excited!
Don't get excited.
Hold yourself together.
Don't go to pieces!
Hold yourself together.
- You all right? - Fine.
What'll we do?
What'll we do?!
Let's tell him the truth.
Maybe he'll give us half the money.
Poison he'll give us.
That's what's the trouble with you.
You get excited.
You go to pieces.
I got an idea.
If we get excited, he'll get suspicious.
So we'll go in there, and we'll act very nonchalantly.
You know, namby-pamby?
- Pamby-namby? - See, like nothing happened.
Wait, where's a cigarette?
Here. Here.
Put a cigarette in there.
Now laugh. Laugh like you
told me a funny story,
like nothing happened. Laugh!
Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, monty. Ha ha ha ha!
That was the funniest story.
Ha ha ha!
Tell it to him. Ha ha ha!
Mr. Martin, my wife
is so in love with that sweepstake ticket.
Not that it means anything, just a whim.
Mr. Martin, if that ticket did win,
- what would you do? - I'd hop on a boat,
go over to Ireland, and collect the money.
Monty.
Monty, it didn't work.
We was too namby-pamby.
Now, what'll we do?
Honesty is the best policy.
Let's tell him the truth.
There must be an easier way.
George Washington told the truth.
Did he win a sweepstakes?
Besides, this man is
holding back our property.
- Here, take this vase. - What for?
Just a light tap, not hard.
Just a little tap on his head.
Don't break the vase.
Why should I hit him?
Say he tried to kiss me.
Who would believe it?
I can dream, can't I?
Wait!
I know how to get the ticket.
I'll flirt with him.
Oy!
If I only had a sweater.
I'll take this.
I'll get that ticket, or my middle name ain't Violet.
I'll captivate him.
Am I captivating?
I never noticed it before.
Norma, I think you've got something there,
but don't go too far.
No. Just far enough
to get the ticket.
What's the matter?
You hurt yourself?
No.
You know, Mr. Martin,
I find life just too dull for words.
Ain't you?
What?
All my life...
I've been languishing away in this terrible flat.
What's the matter? Is there something wrong
with the plumbing?
No. It's not that.
It's my husband.
He don't understand me.
Oh! Is that so?
Well, do you know, Mrs. Ederman,
you're looking very attractive?
You think so?
Kootchie-kootchie-kootchie.
Would you like to loll away the time?
- Yes. - Shall I turn on the radio?
- And we'll dance! - Yeah.
And we'll have a good time.
Ha ha!
Can you do the jitterbug?
Well, I'll take a chance.
Ahh! Spanish, señor Martin.
You know, my grandfather was a Spaniard.
¿Si?
(Rumba music plays)
(Changes to conga rhythm)
So that's what you're up to, huh?
The old badger game.
Well, you'll not get away with it.
I'll have you both arrested.
Oh, please don't do that, Mr. Martin.
I might as well tell you the truth.
That ticket you got...
Won the sweepstakes,
and they're offering $25,000 for it.
You mean this ticket won?
It won!
You're right, monty.
Honesty is the best policy.
♪ Love can be a moment's madness ♪
♪ Love can be insane ♪
♪ Love can be a life
of sadness and pain ♪
♪ Love can be a summer shower ♪
♪ Love can be the sun ♪
♪ Love can be two hearts
that flower as one ♪
♪ It can be ♪
♪ Fine and free ♪
♪ But it's true ♪
♪ It doesn't always happen to you ♪
♪ Love can be a dying Ember ♪
♪ Love can be a flame ♪
♪ Loved pledged in September ♪
♪ May be dead in December ♪
♪ You may not even remember it came ♪
♪ Oh, love can be a joy forever ♪
♪ Or an empty name ♪
♪ Love is almost never ever the same ♪
♪ Oh, love can be a cup of sorrow ♪
♪ Love can be a lie ♪
♪ Love can make you wake tomorrow
and sigh ♪
♪ Love can be a snow-capped mountain ♪
♪ Love can be the truth ♪
♪ Love can be an endless fountain
of youth ♪
♪ It can be ♪
♪ Ecstasy ♪
♪ But that kind ♪
♪ Is not so very easy to find ♪
♪ Oh, love can be a tinkling cymbal ♪
♪ Love can be a dirge ♪
♪ Love may seem amusing ♪
♪ A spark constantly fusing ♪
♪ But it may end up by losing ♪
♪ Its urge ♪
♪ Oh, love can be a sweet endeavor ♪
♪ Or a dirty shame ♪
♪ Love is almost never ever ♪
♪ The same ♪
(Radio broadcast signal beeps)
This is the clumsy television broadcasting system.
When you hear the musical note, will somebody call me up
and tell me what time it is?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Lovely evening, isn't it?
Wheel your mother-in-law close to the radio
because this is the guzzler's gin program.
Have you tried guzzler's? It comes in two sizes
the college size and the jumbo elephant size.
With guzzler's, there's no bad taste, no af...
No bad taste, no after-effect, no upsetting the nerves.
Just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for guzzler's gin,
a nice smooth drink.
(Whistles through his teeth)
Mmm!
(Hoarse, rasping) Guzz...
(Clears throat)
Guzzler's gin, friends.
(Clears throat) Drink a little after dinner.
Drink some before, you won't have to eat any dinner.
I'll be back in a moment with more from our sponsors.
In the meantime, here is our guest star of the evening,
Mr., uh...
Mr., uh...Mm, mm.
Subpoena.
J. Newton numbskull,
doctor of poetry.
Thank you, thank you.
My first poem
"greetings..."
My first poem algy.
"Algy saw a bear, the bear saw algy,
the bear was bulgy,
the bulge was algy."
And now back to our announcer
and more from our sponsors, guzzler's gin.
Thank you, newty. Thank you.
Hmm-mmm.
(Chortling)
This is the guzzler's gin program you're looking at.
Have you tried guzzler's?
It comes in two sizes.
Get the college size.
One bottle, and you're
in a class by yourself.
With guzzler's there's no bad taste, no after-effect,
no upsetting the nerves.
Just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass...Oh!
There goes my nails.
Pour a little in your glass and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for guzzler's gin,
a nice smooth drink.
(Coughs)
(Sputters)
Oh, why can't I get an oatmeal program?
Guzzler's, a nice smooth drink.
Mmmmmhh!
(Sputters)
(Wheezes)
(Hoarse) Guzzler's gin, friends.
(Clears throat)
It comes in five... Uh, two sizes.
Two sizes.
Now back to our guest star
J. Newton numbskull.
Thank you, thank you, you drunken tramp, you.
Mm-hmm...
My next poem
"put 15 cents on number..."
My next poem the garters.
"I bought my girl some garters,
"at the local 5-and-10,
"she gave them to her mother,
that's the last I'll see of them."
And now back to our announcer,
who will sign off the guzzler's gin program.
Smo-o-o-o-o-o-o-oth.
Have you tried guzzler's?
It comes in 29 sizes.
With guzzler's you don't need a chaser.
Nothin' could catch it.
Save money, get the jumbo elephant size.
Only 25 cents a quart.
Return the bottle and get your 15 cents back.
Smo-o-o-o-o-o-o-oth.
(Gasps)
Thought it was my tongue hangin' out.
Heh heh.
Pour a little in your glass.
(Whimpering)
Smo-o-o-o-o-o-o-oth.
Pour a little in your glass... I'll get rid of it somehow.
Pour a little in your glass and drink it right down.
Smo-o-o-o-o-o-o-oth.
(Gong clangs)
(Chinese-themed music plays)
Cabaret singer ♪ in limehouse ♪
♪ Where orientals love to play ♪
♪ In limehouse ♪
♪ Where you can hear those blues all day ♪
♪ And they seem all around ♪
♪ Like a long, long sigh ♪
♪ Queer sob song... ♪
(Carousing drowns out singer)
Singer on phonograph ♪ and everywhere we go ♪
♪ The people always up and stare ♪
♪ 'Cause when we're walkin' down the strand ♪
♪ We're such a lovely sight ♪
♪ And everything was simply grand ♪
♪ That is, until last night ♪
♪ He pinched me, he pinched me ♪
♪ He wouldn't let me be ♪
♪ I think he did it just to make me lose my dignity... ♪
Street singer ♪ last night, down our alley came a toff ♪
♪ Nice old geezer with a nasty cough ♪
♪ Sees my missis, takes his caddy off ♪
♪ In a very gentlemanly way ♪
♪ Ma'am, says he, I have some news to tell ♪
♪ Your rich uncle, Tom of camberwell ♪
♪ Has popped off and really now, it ain't a sell ♪
♪ Left to you his little donkey shay ♪
♪ Wotcher!
All the neighbors say ♪
♪ Who ya goin' to meet, bill ♪
♪ Think ya own the street, bill ♪
♪ laugh? I thought
I would've died ♪
♪ Knocked 'im in the old Kent road ♪
Cabaret singer ♪ oh, limehouse kid ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, limehouse kid ♪
♪ Going the way
that the rest of them did ♪
♪ Poor broken blossom
and nobody's child ♪
♪ Haunting and taunting ♪
♪ You're just kinda wild,
oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, limehouse blues ♪
♪ I've the real limehouse blues ♪
♪ Learned from the Willow ♪
♪ Those sad China blues ♪
♪ Rings on your fingers ♪
♪ And tears for a crown ♪
♪ That is the story
of old Chinatown ♪
(Gunshot)
(Rapid gunshots)
♪ Rings on your fingers ♪
♪ And tears for a crown ♪
♪ That is the story
of old Chinatown ♪
(Doorbell rings)
(Ring-ring-ring)
♪ We are here to interview a lady ♪
♪ Known to you because of her ability ♪
♪ As the glamorous, amorous lady they call... ♪
She's expecting you, gentlemen.
Won't you come in?
♪ Now, we don't mean Greta ♪
♪ And we don't mean Bette-a ♪
♪ Or Loretta or the song of Bernadette-a ♪
♪ We mean the fabulous, dabulous lady they call... ♪
The other gentlemen are here.
Please come in.
♪ She's news ♪
♪ She's front-page stuff ♪
♪ She's headline ♪
♪ She's tops ♪
♪ And in advance the critics
are all in accord ♪
♪ She's gonna win the next academy award ♪
♪ All her fans will be delighted ♪
♪ Not to mention quite excited ♪
♪ At her personal appearance presently ♪
♪ She's stupendous, tremendous ♪
♪ Collosical, terrifical ♪
♪ She's got it ♪
♪ But definitely ♪
♪ The glamorous ♪
♪ Amorous ♪
♪ lady they call-all-all ♪
Shh.
(Delicate, cultured tone) Fribbins...
What is all this?
The gentlemen of the press, milady.
Darlings.
How utterly charming of you to have dropped in like this.
How delightfully informal of you to have...
Well, dropped in like this.
I mean, how perfectly marvelous
of you to have...
Well...
You have dropped in, haven't you?
And I...
Well, gentlemen...
You have caught me pitifully unprepared.
And now...
You may rise.
And now...
You may rise.
Oh, oh, come!
Get up, get up, get up, get up.
Let's get on with this.
There, now.
That's better.
Isn't it?
(Reporters all talking at once)
Gentlemen...Of the press.
Members of the fourth estate.
What can I do for you?
Tell me, pray do.
♪ Oh, glamorous lady ♪
♪ Oh, amorous lady ♪
♪ Here's to-o-o-o you ♪
♪ And humbly we're here to ♪
♪ Quite mumbly we're here to ♪
♪ Humdrumly we're here
to interview you ♪
(Swing rhythm begins)
♪ We're here to pry into your private life ♪
♪ We're here to seek your every secret ♪
♪ We're here to scoop a scoop obviously ♪
♪ What is your next vehicle to be ♪
(Tempo slows again)
(Grandly) This is much too much.
A sort of a bit of a go-and-touch.
But confidentially, gentlemen,
and this is off the record of course.
Of course.
But...
About my next picture.
I'm faced with a curious problem.
♪ Shall I always be dramatic ♪
♪ Biographically emphatic ♪
♪ Should I devote my life to the legitimate Art ♪
♪ Or should I do what I'd adore so ♪
♪ Do my acting with my torso ♪
♪ And give all the natives a start ♪
♪ Must the roles I play be tragic ♪
♪ Full of Oscar-winning magic ♪
♪ Should I drain the cup of drama to its dregs ♪
♪ Or do you think it is permissible ♪
♪ To be for once quite kissable ♪
♪ And give them a peep of my legs ♪
♪ I'd like to be a pinup girl ♪
♪ A cheesecake girl, too ♪
♪ And what is ginger Rogers that I am not ♪
♪ And what has Betty grable got ♪
♪ That I haven't got ♪
♪ Ah, the cinema must exhibit me ♪
♪ In roles that so inhibit me ♪
♪ I feel...Well, I feel just like a soldier out of step ♪
♪ Yes but would the episode outlive me ♪
♪ Would my public quite forgive me ♪
♪ If I tried to show the world I'm really hep ♪
(Jazzy tempo)
Oh, but now, you darlings,
you adorable, dear, dear boys.
I'm going to tell you all about my next picture.
What is my next picture?
No, no, don't tell me, don't tell me.
Shh, shh, shh.
Ha! Excuse me, darling.
Madame crematante.
Madame crematante, gentlemen,
will be a monumental biographical tribute
to a monumental biographical woman...
Who...
Toiled, searched...
Starved, slaved...
Suffered...
Pioneered...
So that the world... You and I...
Could reap the benefits of her magnificent discovery
the safety pin!
The story starts
in a dark, dank, dingy tenement in Amsterdam...
(Rhythmic clapping)
Holland, you know...
In the flat of a poor, impoverished family,
but of rather good antecedents.
Gretchen crematante was a very brave and noble woman
who, against the wishes of her father...
The baron, you know...
Married this young inventor who didn't have a sou, penniless.
(Jazz beat) ♪ and there they were in Amsterdam ♪
♪ In Amsterdam ♪
♪ Yes, there they were ♪
♪ In a dark and dingy tenement flat ♪
♪ With no food ♪
♪ And no heat ♪
♪ And no money for to pay the rent ♪
♪ But did they care ♪
♪ No, they don't care ♪
♪ Madame crematante, she don't care ♪
♪ 'Cause she seen the light just the other day ♪
♪ Since then she been tryin' for to find a way ♪
♪ For to bring to the world a big invent ♪
♪ And so she did ♪
♪ Whoop-de-doodie, madame crematante did ♪
♪ She toiled and strived, did sweat and slave ♪
♪ A-stretchin' her mind and beginning to rave ♪
♪ But the price she paid was worth the pain ♪
♪ For on a cold and frosty morn ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ The safety pin was born ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu-lu-lu-lujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu-lu-lu-lujah ♪
♪ Shout hallelujah and a big amen ♪
♪ For the lady with the safety pin ♪
♪ Gee, Willy, rock-slop skippy ♪
♪ What more do ya want ♪
♪ Than madame crematante's ♪
♪ Lujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hola-hola-hola ♪
♪ Scream and shout, who cares what it's all about ♪
♪ Just as long as you're stompin' and jivin' ♪
♪ And gassin' and gabbin' and jammin' and jumpin' ♪
♪ When you talk about the safety pin ♪
♪ Who's got the safety pin ♪
♪ Slip me the safety pin ♪
♪ No doubt about it ♪
♪ No baby can do without ♪
♪ The safety pin ♪
♪ Who's got the safety pin ♪
♪ Slip me a safety pin ♪
♪ Madame crematante ♪
♪ She's the lady who was heaven-sent ♪
♪ She's the lady with the big invent ♪
♪ Hola ♪
-♪ Safety pin ♪ -♪ madame crematante ♪
♪ She's the lady with the big invent ♪
♪ Madame crematante she's the lady with the big invent ♪
♪ Hola ♪
♪ Hola-hola-hola ♪
♪ Ia ♪
Oh, heh, how are ya?
Oh, uh...
Say, you're, uh, uh...
Uh, Fred Astaire. Hello!
Why, hello.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I can't quite place you.
What line of business are you in?
Well, uh, I dance.
Oh, at home, for the folks?
Picnics and that kind of thing?
Oh, no, no. In public.
On street corners?
Oh, no, on the screen.
Motion pictures.
You do go to pictures that have dancing in them, don't you?
Why, I try to see them all, I go...
Well, did you see a picture called cover girl?
Yes.
Well, who did all the dancing in that?
You're not Rita Hayworth?!
Ah, ha ha.
No, I'm not...
Ginger.
Ahh...
- Well, so long, Gene. - See you around.
(Overlapping) I got a little number to do here.
- You have? - Well, sure.
- Here? - Sure.
Well, say, why don't we just, uh...
Ad lib a little something together then?
Uh, whip it up right here on the spot.
- Throw it away. - Like the one
we've been rehearsing for two weeks.
Ahh...
♪ A babbit met a bromide on the Avenue one day ♪
♪ And held a conversation in their own peculiar way ♪
♪ They both were solid citizens ♪
♪ They both had been around ♪
♪ And as they spoke, you clearly saw ♪
♪ Their feet were on the ground ♪
- Hello! - How are you?
- How's the folks? - What's new?
- I'm great. - That's good.
- Ha ha! - Knock wood.
- Well, well. - That's life.
- Whaddaya know? - How's the wife?
- Gotta run. - Oh, my.
- Ta-ta. - Olive oil.
Good-bye.
♪ Ten years went quickly by for both these substi-antial men ♪
♪ And then it happened that one day they chanced to meet again ♪
♪ That they had both developed in 10 years there was no doubt ♪
♪ And so of course they had an awful lot to talk about ♪
- Hello! - How are you?
- How's the folks? - What's new?
- I'm great. - That's good.
- Ha ha! - Knock wood.
- Well, well. - That's life.
- Whaddaya know? - How's the wife?
- Gotta run. - Oh, my.
- Ta-ta. - Olive oil.
Good-bye.
♪ Before they met again some 40 years they had to wait ♪
♪ This time it happened up above inside Saint Peter's gate ♪
♪ A harp each one was carrying, and both were sprouting wings ♪
♪ And this is what they said ♪
♪ As they were strumming on the strings ♪
- Hello! - How are you?
- How's the folks? - What's new?
- I'm great. - That's good.
- Ha ha! - Knock wood.
- Well, well. - That's life.
- Whaddaya know? - How's the wife?
- Gotta fly. - Oh, my.
- Ta-ta. - Olive oil.
Good-bye.
♪ The gleam of a blue-white moonlight ♪
♪ Makes diamonds of the stars in the sky ♪
♪ The gold of an Autumn sunset ♪
♪ Colors a cloud passing by ♪
♪ The night says good-bye to the morning ♪
♪ And a heart says hello
to a heart ♪
♪ All of these wonderful things shall endure ♪
♪ They're works of Art ♪
♪ There's beauty everywhere ♪
♪ That everyone can share ♪
♪ A lovely world can be unfurled ♪
♪ To those who see and care ♪
♪ We search for beauty gay ♪
♪ Through every livelong day ♪
♪ And then someone comes into view ♪
♪ And suddenly you find it's true ♪
♪ That love is beauty, too ♪
♪ And then someone comes into view ♪
♪ And suddenly you find it's true ♪
♪ That love is
beauty, too ♪
♪ And then someone comes into view ♪
♪ And suddenly you find it's true ♪
♪ That love is
beauty, too ♪