Hey, Molly.
DuPree, what are you doing? Carl asked me to fill in.
I guess there was some sort of work conflict.
What? Conflict? What kind of conflict?
I don't know. I don't ask questions.
I just ride to where I'm needed.
But don't worry. I'm sort of a good Public sPeaker.
Oh, no, no. It's a Career Day Presentation, DuPree. You don't even have a job.
I understand that. But here's what I'd love you to do.
Please get Mandy here. I want her to see this.
I think this will win her back.
Now where are these little rug rats?
They're in the third door.
Hey, how are you?
First of all, thank you for giving me the oPPortunity
to come talk to you on Career Day.
Now, I am not Mr. Carl Peterson
and I don't have a career Per se.
I guess you could say my career is living and loving.
And I do that to the utmost.
DUPREE: She coming?
KeeP going? Okay.
I see all you fresh-faced kidlets,
sitting there in your neat little rows, and you're all just Pods.
Pods, waiting for your instructions.
Now some of you are gonna get zaPPed right away
and be 15-year-old Prodigies,
little midget OlymPic gymnasts with their Pictures on cereal boxes.
Some of you will go on to college, and you'll find your rhythm there,
and then go chase down the titans of industry,
or maybe straighten out our Problems at the UN.
But some of you,
and this is the grouP that no one ever comes into Career Day and addresses,
and it's criminal,
some of you are just gonna float along,
eating sPicy foods,
humming black PeoPle's music into your 30s.
Well into your 30s, languishing.
This grouP of Pods is gonna do a lot of languishing.
And you're gonna take some heat for it.
Sadly, you will.
EuroPe's a little easier. They seem to understand a little better.
So does South America.
I went to Argentina one time,
and everyone just seemed to be sitting around. It was beautiful.
But that's okay. You stay loose. Stay liquid.
Laugh a lot. But be ready.
That's what DuPree's doing with his life's little Pod.
Staying nimble. Till I get the call from the mother shiP.
My raison d'etat.
Then I'd fight.
Then you'll see DuPree coming in here throwing seven different kinds of smoke.
That's fine. The Pods that were suPPosed to hear this did.
It'll kick in when it needs to. I'm done here.
I told you. Now, do you think it went over their head?
No. It was really good. They got it. They got it.
Now, where's Mandy? I'm only gonna do this one more time,
but we got to get her here!
DuPree, Mandy has to... She had a...
She had a book that was lost.
I'm sorry, DuPree.
DuPree, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
DuPree, there's something you need to know about Mandy.
Well, it turns out that she's a total slut and is sleePing with half the male faculty.
What? No. I'm sorry.
My Mandy? Yeah.
Sorry, DuPree. I would have never set you uP
with her if I would have known.
Ever. TEACHER 1: Okay, kids, back inside.
TEACHER 1: Let's go. Ever.
With that guy?
TEACHER 2: Great job today, kids. Yeah. Good teamwork.
TEACHER 2: You did good, Billy. All right, let's go.
Yeah. All right, let's get ready for the next class.
(GRUNTING)
(MAN HUMMING)
Afraid so.
He's not even on the faculty.
There really aren't any more Audrey HePburns out there, are there?
Oh, what a sucker.
DuPree? DuPree?
You talk to Sam about the zoning issues?
Yeah. And to be honest with you, sir, they're still in flux.
Carl, I'm going to the bank in days, all right? I cannot have things in flux.
I realize that, sir. I'll get on it right away.
Carl, sit down, Please. Please just sit down.
You know, there's something you said to me
a few days ago that I just cannot get out of my mind.
Something about you and Molly having children.
Oh, right. Yeah, no. That was... That was hyPothetical.
That's not something that we're talking about doing any time soon.
You know what I did, Carl, when I started dating again?
No idea. I got a vasectomy.
A vasectomy? Yeah.
Okay. That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Not really. It's a mild outPatient Procedure.
A little local anesthesia, sniP sniP,
sit on a bag of frozen Peas for a night. Voila.
I mean, that was it, and it's
one hundred Percent effective.
Yeah. And 100% Permanent.
Carl, read the literature. It is reversible.
Seventy Percent of the time. All right. See you get your shit together, all right?
I want it back on my desk, this zoning stuff, by 3:00 today.
All right? Thank you, Carl.
All right?
WOMAN ON TV: Fine. How are you? "Fine. How are you?"
Oh, fine.
MAN ON TV: Say, you know, you were great back there.
You werert so bad yourself.
MAN ON TV: Guess we'd better get Irving's car and get out of here.
So you really were serious about Audrey HePburn, huh?
She had it all. Style, grace, ethereal beauty.
Just like I thought Mandy did.
I don't know. I have a hard time imagining Audrey HePburn
getting buttered uP to Funky Cold Medina.
Really? I don't.
The Mouth of Truth. The legend is that if you're given to lying
and you put your hand in there, it will be bitten off.
I'm still trying to understand why Carl didn't show uP today.
I know he's under a lot of Pressure right now,
but just lately he seems like a different Person.
No, he's just working really hard. He gets like that sometimes.
Maybe if he oPened uP a little bit more.
Look, Carl's never gonna be mistaken for the great communicator.
I mean, just mention the word "feelings" or "emotion,"
and you watch his eyes glaze over. But...
I don't know. He just Puts uP a wall.
Well, how do you get Past it?
I think you just fight through it. Patience.
That's what I did. I ask a lot of questions.
I let him know that I care.
And I just Pray he droPs his guard, 'cause when he does,
it's so won'th it.
(SCREAMS)
Hello.
You beast! It was perfectly awful!
That gets me every time, and I know it's coming.
So, DuPree did a good job?
Did he mention the mother shiP?
Actually, in a weird way, he was really insPiring.
I didn't know he was so sensitive. Did you know he writes Poetry?
Poetry? Yeah.
Man, what a homo. Wow.
That is really mature, Carl.
Look, honey, I'm sorry I didn't make it today.
What is going on with you lately? Oh, nothing. I'm fine.
You are clearly not fine, Carl.
So why don't you meet me halfway here, Please.
All right. You want to know what's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on.
I think your father hates me. What?
Carl. Carl, my father does not hate you.
He gives you this big Promotion,
which you said was a dream come true.
Why would he do that? Because he hates you?
That's exactly what I'm beginning to think.
For the same reason he's been systematically
trying to emasculate me and sterilize me.
Slow down. 'Cause now you're not making any sense.
I'm not making any sense?
Well, here's something that should make Perfect sense to you.
Now, everybody knows that your father, when he likes somebody,
he invites them out on a little fishing triP.
Fact. I've never been invited fishing. Not once.
You hate fishing. He doesn't know that.
I'm telling you, Molly, he hates me.
Look, Carl, I know how my father gets sometimes. I do.
He Pushes PeoPle when he wants results.
And it's frustrating, I know.
But he doesn't hate you.
And I know you want to do a great job on this Project,
but it's taking over your life.
And we're suPPosed to be having fun.
Why don't you come home at a decent hour tomorrow night?
DuPree wants to cook for us.
We'll sit down, we'll have dinner, relax.
Talk about things other than work.
And everything will be okay.
Yeah. You'll see.
Fine.
Yeah.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey.
You busy? No.
Just catching uP on some back issues.
What's going on?
(SIGHING)
I wanted to ask you something.
Yeah?
Would you be offended if ThomPson asked you to get a vasectomy?
What? Why would he want me to get a vasectomy?
Carl, I barely know the man! (SHUSHING) Wait a minute! Wait! DuPree.
Yes, I'd be offended! No. Not you.
That's not what I mean. Just what do you think of vasectomies?
Cutting off my manood? I think it's barbaric.
No one's getting near that Part of my body. No one, Carl.
Unless, of course, it's a woman.
And then she better not have a scalPel.
Of course.
Why would he want me to get a vasectomy?
He doesn't want you to get a vasectomy.
It was a hyPothetical question. Okay.
Just forget I asked.
Don't joke with me like that, man.
Go back to your reading.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Watch that heat. Slow stirring, Molly.
How are my game hens doing?
MOLLY: Wow. DUPREE: Gorgeous.
Okay, get started on the salad. Put some walnuts in.
I'll take care of this. Okay. How'd you learn all this?
Most of it I Picked uP in a six-week series, Treasures of Tuscany.
The garlic technique, however, I got from watching Goodfellas.
I actually make an incredible risotto,
but I want to keeP it low carb tonight for Carl.
Poor guy has kind of let the wheels come off a little bit. Okay.
Twenty minutes till the big guy gets here.
Focus. We got to come together now.
Merlot. I want you to get it out. Get it breathing.
We're gonna use the 2005, NaPa wine glasses Aunt Kathy gave us.
How did you know Aunt Kathy gave us those wine glasses?
DUPREE: He would have written these notes. DuPree, Please!
Please stoP making excuses for him. I'm not.
But I think that he would have if he... No, you are.
And you have to stoP doing that now because your buddy is wrong. Okay?
If he didn't want to write them, he should have just told me.
And, big surPrise, he's late again.
Look, you know, forget him.
You made this beautiful meal. Thank you.
We're gonna sit here and we're gonna enjoy it.
We're gonna drink.
And we're gonna eat. And we're gonna drink some more.
Well, it's frustrating for me, too,
'cause I know he would have loved this meal.
(MOLLY LAUGHING)
MOLLY: Yeah.
I can't do it...
DUPREE: Oh, boy.
MOLLY: No. But I used to be able to touch it to the toP of my nose.
No, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Can you do it?
No.
Hey, guys.
There's a Plate for you in the oven.
Okay, look, I'm sorry I'm a little late.
I got hung uP at work.
Would it have killed you to make a Phone call?
No, RandolPh, RandolPh, wait!
I'm sorry, Molly, but,
damn it, Carl, you really Press my buttons sometimes!
Is he kidding? No. Now you've uPset RandolPh.
RandolPh?
You got to be kidding me. I know a Randy DuPree.
I do not know a RandolPh. Did it ever occur to you
that maybe he Prefers to be called RandolPh?
No, Molly, it never occurred to me.
You know, the guy writes some bullshit Poetry
and suddenly he's got a brand-new name.
That's funny. Turns out that's not the only thing he writes.
APParently, he is a whiz at thank-you notes!
He told you about that? It just kind of sliPPed out.
Oh, I bet it just kind of sliPPed out.
Guy stabs his best friend in the back. He's getting drunk with his wife.
What can I say, Carl? I'm kind of fun to get drunk with.
Maybe you should try it sometime, because I'm here every night!
Molly, I'd be delighted to try it sometime, but unlike your friend, DuPree,
I've got a job!
And what was with the groomsman shirt?
That was a one-time deal, Molly.
He was trying to look nice for you.
And why are you coming down on DuPree?
He's the one who went through all this effort to cook low carb for you.
You didn't even bother to show uP.
Low carb? What the hell does that mean?
You know, he's on the whole health kick with the bicycling and Lance Armstrong.
So he's just trying to helP you out. He's trying to helP me out?
That's a laugh, Molly.
I'm the one who Put a goddamn roof over his head!
One. We Put the roof over his head.
And A. I mean, you haven't really been taking care of yourself.
I can't remember the last time you exercised.
And how many Twinkies have you had today?
What are you talking about?
Oh, Carl, Please. There's, like,
a million Twinkie wraPPers on the floor of your car.
You're not fooling anybody. All right. All right.
So I admit it, I enjoy one occasionally.
Is there something so wrong with that?
And, Molly, look, I am under a great deal of stress.
What do you want from me?
Wait a minute. Is this the kind of thing that turns you on?
Oh, Carl! Is this what turns you on?
Come on, Molly. I was reading an article on OPrah.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry I can't be one of your boy-band flavor of the weeks.
With their enanced frosted tiPs
and their washboard bellies and their hairless backs!
What's haPPening to us, Carl?
I don't know what's haPPening to you, Molly, but aPParently I'm getting fat!
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Nice. Looks like somebody's tired of getting sand kicked in their face.
Good job. Good to see you living strong, buddy.
Please. Would you listen to yourself?
You get your first ten-sPeed bike, and suddenly you're Lance Armstrong.
Let's leave Lance out of this.
Guy's done more with one testicle than you and I can do with three.
Now, listen. I know you're under a lot of Pressure at work
and you and Molly are having some trouble.
Trouble? No.
I wasrt having any trouble until you arrived, RandolPh.
What's that suPPosed to mean? You know what it means.
No, I don't.
You sold me out with those thank-you notes.
And what's with this Roman Holiday obsession?
I know you, DuPree. Your favorite movie's Fletch.
No, sir. No, it's not. Fletch is in my toP five. It's not my favorite.
What's with the Poetry? I think you're trying to show me uP.
Maybe I like Poetry. Did that ever occur to you?
Listen, if I got to be the lovable fuckuP all my life
to win your best friend Prize,
maybe you should keeP your award.
I've got news for you, DuPree. You're not that lovable.
I'm gonna Pretend you didn't say that, Carl.
Goodbye, Mr. GrumPy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sugar.
ToP shelf, behind the honey.
Where? ToP shelf, behind the honey.
Oh, yeah.
DUPREE: You got to reach for it. MOLLY: Okay.
Yeah, right there. Oh, God.
You gotta reach. Right there. I'm reaching.
Oh, goodness.
(MOLLY WHINING)
Right there.
There's the sugar. Right behind the honey.
Right there. You got it? I got it.
Why do you do this to me? Got it.
So good.
Bye, honey.
(PHONE RINGING)
WOMAN: Hello? Hello. Yes. Is Mandy there, Please?
Is this Dupree calling again?
Yes, this is DuPree again.
Get it through your head. Mandy does not want to talk to you, okay?
Okay, yeah, just tell her that I called.
Good night. Thank you.
Looks like we're going camPing again, MurPhy.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God! Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I didn't know you were down here. No, it's my fault.
What in the hell is going on? Nothing, honey. It's fine.
Nothing. Nothing. Are you naked again?
No, no, no, it's fine. We talked about this!
I know we did. Yes.
Everyone's asleeP, and here's lonely old DuPree
just waling away on himself. You werert waling away on yourself. It...
God! An animal wouldn't debase himself thus.
What is haPPening to me? Is this one of my tube socks?
Carl, Please. Answer the question!
Oh, my God. Mine were dirty.
Carl, stoP it! Relax.
Wait a minute. What are you even doing down here, Molly?
Are you serious? It's a simPle question.
I couldn't sleeP.
I'm getting a broom.
This is rock bottom.
I was doing so good.
Wasrt I doing good, Carl? Huh, buddy?
But, DuPree, where did you find this?
(WHISPERING) Oh. I got it from that box marked
"Carl's camPing equiPment" in the garage.
You Put the box away, didn't you? Yes. Yes.
I'm 99% sure I Put it away.
I didn't realize you were such an outdoorsman, Carl.
MOLLY: Asian Assault? Molly, let me exPlain.
That one was in the wrong section at the video store.
Oh, you're gonna lie to my face.
I thought it was a kung fu movie with Bruce Lee.
Okay. Pacific Rim Job. CARL: No idea.
All right. That one I kind of knew about.
Oh, Beijing Bang Bang?
Carl! Is this what our marriage has come to?
Lies and all these Chinese fetish videos?
I'm just curious.
All right. I admit, Molly, that I was into Asian Porn for a little while.
But it was just a Phase.
Anyway, why am I the one who's on trial here?
He's in there starching my sock, and you don't even bat an eyelash.
Because I'm not married to him!
I am married to you.
Do something with that.
(DOG BARKING)
Is there anything worse
than having to throw away your Porn collection?
What's going on with you and Molly?
What? You heard me.
Are you in love with my wife?
Have you lost your mind? What are you talking about?
DuPree. DuPree, just answer the question.
Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta. I'm not gonna...
That's a sick question. How come you can't answer it?
I'm not going to answer because it doesn't deserve an answer.
How could you ask me something like that?
You're very clever, DuPree.
You're living in my house.
You're going to town on yourself in my living room.
And now you're moving in on my wife. What?
You think you got it all figured out,
but I'm on to you, and you're out of here!
Oh, no. Hold on. You're not throwing me out of here.
I'll leave! Good! And while you're at it,
leave the flask and the groomsmars outfit.
But you gave those to me. Those were gifts.
All right! You know, keeP those. All those were gifts.
But leave the insignia.
Because that was for my best man.
Hey. It's for the best.
The guy would have been living off us forever.
Dinner is at 7:30, and my father will be here at 7:00, so...
Molly. With all things considered,
do you think that maybe tonight isn't the best night
to have your father over for dinner?
Carl. Carl. Please don't be late.
Please.
So, I hear the albacore are really biting this time of year.
It's not albacore season, Carl.
Oh. Really?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I'll get that.
It's right over here.
Hello.
(SHUSHING) Hold on. Hey. Hey, Carl. Carl. It's Neil.
Did you actually throw away your Porn collection?
Look, Neil, I'm having a dinner Party.
I'm coming to get it.
Going to Starbucks! Be back!
(DOG BARKING)
Carl, I read your new Presentation.
And how would you feel about Tony taking it from here?
What?
I hoPe you guys aren't talking business now.
Let's keeP it at the office.
No, no, no, not at all. No, we were...
Oh, my God. Is that Mom's crab cakes?
They sure are. Rabbit, come here.
Excuse me. Come here, rabbit.
They look exactly like Mom's. I can't believe it.
Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Give it to Tony. Tony. Yeah.
Yeah. Want to give it to Tony?
Yeah, I have a Pretty goddamn big Problem with that.
Is that what you're saying? You'd be demoting me?
Tony deserves it! Give it to Tony!
Do you think I care? Go ahead.
What are you doing? Son of a...
Huh? Your father's got it out for me.
Oh, Carl! No, no, no!
CARL: You know he asked me to get a vasectomy?
MOLLY: What? He's crazy!
Carl, first of all, this is my father you're talking about!
He's irrational.
(GROANING)
Who... You want...
(CRASHING)
What was that? Oh, my God.
(GROANING)
You. What the hell? Oh, my God. DuPree!
What did I tell you? Molly, don't.
I'm okay. I just sliPPed on the drainPiPe.
Come on. Let's get in the house.
I didn't want to bother you guys.
Put him out by the curb! Carl.
Why am I getting blamed for everything? What's going on here, Carl?
Daddy, will you Please grab DuPree's things?
I was just trying to get my stuff. What?
You know, Molly, I don't know that I really have time for dinner. I might just...
You know, I really don't want to imPose. Here.
Maybe I... I know, but I... No. You're staying.
You're gonna eat something. It's fine. You're eating.
Here, have some salad. It's good.
I Put a little extra balsamic like you like it.
Thanks. Thanks.
Eat something.
Well, it does look tasty. Thank you.
DUPREE: Sir?
That's a beautiful Schwinn bike you got out there, DuPree.
Thank you. Although it's not exactly state-of-the-art.
It's about 25 years old,
so sometimes I feel like it's tough to keeP uP with the other riders on the road.
Now, I don't buy that.
Did you read Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About the Bike?
The bike. Touche. And it's true.
It isn't about the bike. It's about here.
It's about your heart. And that's the truth.
And I've said it to Carl. If you...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Did you see his seventh win?
The final one? DUPREE: The last one?
I watched every stage. Carl. Get the Phone.
THOMPSON: Me, too. I've watched every single one of those races.
DUPREE: Did you ever cry? THOMPSON: Oh, yeah.
I defy you to watch that and not cry.
Daddy? Excuse me. Could you Pass the wine, Please?
DUPREE: What color was your bike?
Hello. Hey, Carl.
Hey, hey. It's Neil.
Okay, so is it in, like, the garbage, or did you recycle it?
Listen, you sleazebag. Get off my ProPerty!
I'm tired of this craP! Get the hell out of here! Go home!
JackPot.
(NEIL LAUGHING)
It's the wrong number.
You like to fish, DuPree?
I'm not the world's greatest fisherman.
Although I did have one Pretty great adventure.
True story. Off the coast of Baja during sPring break,
I sPent four days reeling in this marlin.
Great, big, old shitkicker, and I finally landed him.
Four days?
Well, I hoPe you mounted that son of a bitch.
No. I didn't. Catch and release, Bob. Honor the fish.
THOMPSON: That's really noble.
DuPree. How would you like to go fishing with me in my boat?
DUPREE: Really?
Yeah. Just the two of us.
Chick-a-boom. Chick-a-boom.
(LAUGHING)
DUPREE: Why not?
Hey, Bob, is it just me, or are the albacore really jumPing?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You're funny.
What tyPe of fool thinks it's albacore season?
DuPree, from now on, you call me "Dad."
Yeah. Go out there. Maybe bring Molly along.
Nice, DuPree. Need some of this?
You sure you're okay with this, Bob?
As long as it's not Carl, you can do anything you want with her.
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Poetry, Aunt Kathy, librarian-banging, backstabbing, bike-riding,
couch-burning masturbator!
You ruined my life! You ruined my life! Carl, get off of him! StoP it!
Get a hold of yourself!
MOLLY: Oh, my God! I will not get a hold of myself!
This is my house! Are you kidding me?
What are you gonna do, hit me with that thing?
You gonna hit me? Carl, stoP it!
Come on! I dare you!
(GROANING) Dad!
You dared me.
Don't tell me you want the Porn back, because you can't have it!
Why is it all Asian?
Whoa, what's with the bag of frozen Peas, man?
There was a little bit of a blowout at the house.
My wallet's still there and my car's boxed in.
It's not a big deal. I need a Place to stay.
I've got nowhere to go. You want to stay here?
Yeah. Yeah. That'll be fun.
That'll be really cool. Let me ask Annie.
NEIL: Yo, Annie. ANNIE: What?
Carl wants to stay here. Carl?
Oh, really? I just got off the Phone with Molly. He tried to kill DuPree.
He cannot stay here. He needs somewhere...
What are we gonna do? Be afraid in my sleeP? No!
Tell him to leave! Now! Now! Okay. Fine. I said fine!
Look, I don't know what you did, but she just talked to Molly.
She's freaked out at you right now, man.
Neil, what are you saying? I can't come into your house right now?
You cannot come in here.
She said so, man. She makes the rules.
You know what? I don't need this, Neil.
I don't need this. I don't need this!
I'm sorry! ANNIE: Neil, get back in here!
She controls what I do!
Guys' night. Thursday. I'll see you there.
WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Grayhead to the ER. Dr. Grayhead to the ER.
Frankly, Molly, I'm worried about your safety.
Maybe I should have Paco come stay at the house.
Oh, Dad, Please. I don't need this right now.
Molly, I love you more than anything, but you're an idealist.
You don't see the world the way it is.
Dr. Navarro to 751. Dr. Navarro to 751.
The doc says most of my injuries are emotional.
Dad. I'm going to ask you something,
and remember, you've never lied to me before.
Do you ever really want my marriage to work?
That's a really comPlicated question, Molly.
No. Actually, it's not.
DuPree.
Molly? Molly.
Bob, before I go, I have my own question for you.
And remember, you've never lied to me either, as far as I know.
Who did you really want to get a vasectomy?
Me? Or was it, in fact, Carl?
Take care of your neck, DuPree.
Okay, Bob.
(CUTLERY CLATTERING)
Carl?
He didn't come home last night.
He loves you, Molly.
I know. I know.
Maybe it's just not enough.
It has to be enough. It is enough.
DuPree, you gotta Piece this beautiful thing back together again.
By God, it took 36 years, 9 months, and 23 days for the mother shiP to sPeak.
Well, guess what?
DuPree hears you.
Okay, gather around! Come on! Everybody, gather around! Over here!
BOY: What's going on, DuPree?
I'm gonna tell you what's going on. We got an emergency.
That's why I gave you Permission to miss school.
Now, listen. Carl's missing.
He ran away from home last night.
It's uP to us to find him. And here's the deal.
I don't know what he's caPable of.
If he attacks you, go limP. Play dead.
That's what I did, and I think it saved my life.
Toshi, Pass out these fliers. Give them to everybody.
Okay, Nancy, go to Neil's house. Okay, I'm on it.
Go. Go! Cesar, get uP here.
I want you to hit the grocery store. Got it.
ThomPson Land DeveloPment. Danger! Be careful here.
Go! Go! Fall out!
And if you see him, call someone. Do the buddy system. Run!
(LOVE REMOVAL MACHINE PLAYING)
I'm just looking for this guy, Carl Peterson, if you see him. Right here.
I've just lost my friend. Carl Peterson.
Here you go. Just stand there. Put your head through this.
Carl!
Here you go. There you go. Looking for a friend. That's all.
CURLEY: And he took his hat. That was real. His American Legion hat.
The colonel. Give us a break.
(LAUGHING)
Back again, huh?
Just came in to make a Pit stoP.
Well, that's good 'cause your cot's been taken.
What's he talking about?
WOMAN: How's Becca doing? Is she coming in later?
In case you think I'm still in love with Molly,
maybe you should take a look at these.
They're all about Mandy. Love Poems.
Sonnets. Little ditties, haikus.
I loved her.
How come you never told me you wrote Poems?
I don't know. I guess I figured you'd call me a homo.
Well, I guess I might have.
Listen, if there's one thing I know about, it's loving and losing.
But you can't lose unless you stoP waiting. And...
Look, DuPree. Listen, I'm really not in the mood
for one of your soliloquies.
My life's in the shitter right now. Yes, it is.
But what are you gonna do? Quit?
So what if you made some mistakes. Everybody does.
So what if her dad hates you.
You think you're the first guy to be hated by his father-in-law?
So what if he beat your ass with a candlestick.
That's Probably haPPened before.
The Point is, is somewhere along the road, you lost your magic.
They knocked you off your game. Your Carlness went right out the window.
What's with this "Carlness"? It's not even a real word.
Yes, it is. Oh, it is?
It's a verb. It's a conjunction,
a PrePosition, it's a PhilosoPhy, a way of life.
It's your name with "ness" attached to it.
Bullshit. There's never been any Carlness.
There's just Carl.
Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out. My mistake.
You know, the truth is,
I never really thought you and Molly were right for each other.
There was something about her I never bought, right from JumP Street.
That whole, "Hey, look at me. I'm a great Person.
"I'm always smiling. I'm Pretty. I'm smart. I work with inner city kids."
Get the hell out of there. I saw through that sham, and you did, too.
And if you want to know the truth, frankly, I'd blame her.
Now, wait a minute! No, I won't hold it!
Hold on a second! Your life is going to hell in a hand basket!
Molly is the best damn thing that ever haPPened to me.
Leave her out of this. Sure she is.
Did you see what just haPPened? When I tricked you?
All of a sudden you had that instinct to fight, that Carlness.
That's what this situation needs. It's crying out for it.
You're trying to get it back, that fight, the will to fight.
You're thinking.
Come on. What do you got?
DuPree, get your helmet.
Shit.
Paco's on duty.
Hey, can you get me 10 minutes in there? I'll get you 15.
Hold on a second. He's a lot faster than he looks.
Hello there. Have a message I need to deliver.
Do you have identification? No.
You kidding me? Just got the old bike here.
Pretty obvious I'm a bike messenger.
What are you, Samoan?
What do you think?
Could be Greek. Could be Italian. Either way, you're a big man.
It's okay, I sPecialize in big men.
Where is your message?
I keeP 'em uP here. Saves on the PaPerwork.
All right. Have a good day. Maybe I'll see you around.
(DUPREE WHISTLING)
Come on.
Hold it.
They said you were quick.
Easy now, big 'un. I got to tell you, you're catching me on a day
where I'm throwing seven different kinds of smoke.
Yeah? Let's see them.
That's what I thought.
That's number one.
Baby wants to Play chase? Okay, let's chase.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
UP or down? UP or down?
Down!
(YELLING)
Gotcha. Missed! Number two.
Mr. Peterson-ThomPson?
Where is he?
(DUPREE YELLING)
PACO: StoP! StoP!
DUPREE: Catch uP!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
Guy in chair. Number three.
Did you see that? I got him.
DisPatch, lock down the building.
That was my number four.
What's number five? I can't tell you. I don't know myself.
Nice job, weasel. Now it's on!
(GRUNTING)
(WHISPERING) Number five, invisible.
WOMAN: What is he doing?
You can manufacture these for $90 a square foot.
You sell them at $400 a square foot.
You got 25 in this whole arena right here.
I even think you can do the advertisement,
"Fifty million
"square feet."
(GRUNTING)
Come here, weasel!
(GROANS)
Number six.
OPen the door. I need a number seven.
Oh, shit.
I need a number seven!
You want Samoa? I'll give you Samoa!
(SCREAMING)
Hello. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me.
You know, for the last 14 hours,
all I've thought about is kicking your ass.
Don't make me look for another candlestick, Carl.
I've taken you down once. I could do it again.
Not today, Bob. Not today.
I'll go get Paco. Yeah. You go get Paco.
You've done everything you can to undermine me.
You've tried to intimidate me. You've tried to humiliate me.
You bastardized my Project to the Point where it's unrecognizable.
But here's the thing, Bob. I don't care.
I don't care about this job, and I don't care about you.
I care about Molly.
She means everything in the world to me.
And if you're going to stand in the way of me trying to win her back,
you'd better bring a Pretty big candlestick.
Carl?
Hey, Carl.
You... Will you all excuse us?
Can everybody go?
You know, Carl, I've been thinking
maybe I was a little rough on you. A little?
But you got to understand, you know, I love Molly, too.
And I've been having a really, really tough time letting go of her.
You asked me to get a vasectomy.
Yeah, that was a little excessive.
I aPologize.
I'm not gonna hyPhenate my name, Bob.
I know.
(ROOF CREAKING)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
(FIX YOU PLAYING)
Hey. There's Carl and DuPree.
DuPree found Carl.
He's on his own now.
Molly?
CARL: Molly?
Molly.
I'm sorry.
Don't ever walk out on me again.
Ever.
I know. I lost it.
I didn't know what I was doing anymore.
Well, Carl, I don't always know what I'm doing, either.
But we are in this together, when it's good, when it's bad.
Yeah.
I mean, so you launched yourself across our dining room table
at your best friend like a crazy Person.
I guess I... But, Carl,
I know who you are. And I love who you are.
And that's why we don't walk out on each other.
I love you, Molly.
And I Promise you, I'm not going anywhere.
(ALL CHEERING) Yes! My work is done here.
(THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER PLAYING)
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Come on! Let's go! Go!
Who wants some ice cream? Go down there and you get it. Go!
Yeah!
(GROANING)
DUPREE ON MICROPHONE: Life may knock you down. Scratch that.
I'm okay.
Life will knock you down. Okay?
Lt'll kick you in the gut and knock you to the curb.
But you can't let it rob you of your "ness."
Now what's "ness"? It's your name Plus "ness."
You, sir, white-haired gentleman, what's your name?
My name's Joe. No! It's Joeness.
You follow me? Listen to me.
Hang on to that, and as long as you do, you'll always be ready.
Because when that moment comes, and trust me, it will come,
that's when you start throwing
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Seven different kinds of smoke!
(EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CHEERING)
The mother shiP hears you!
Paco! Kick it!
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