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拜托 如果你是想说 “色情片扼杀性致”这种话
我们肯定会吵个没完
-别说了 -色情片扼杀性致
-放马过来 -听着 辣妹
-网上所有色情片我都拿来自慰过了 -天啊
电脑屏幕曾比露点让我勃起还快
-这是不正常的 -可以别谈色情片了吗？
露露 你应该过来帮忙吧
过度依赖色情片的普遍副作用
就是不举
那你现在比较易举了吗？
我的老二正在顶着桌子呢
露露 快来厨房
大伙们 我这样穿太夸张了吗？
好火辣啊 帅毙了
-你看起来很性感 -谢了 山姆帮我搭配的
女士们先生们
这是我最伟大的作品
你看起来超性感的
来 尝尝这个
-这是辣的吗？ -不 这是甜椒
好吃
谢谢你让我留在这
我知道就这样突然出现
真的不是很好 我的天啊
你是个混蛋 你这混账
你这个混账东西
我早该料到的 你这个坏蛋
弗莱德 你的约会对象呢？ 我们该开吃了
-我再打给他看看 -被放鸽子了
-他可能只是在 -小鸡鸡上…
-是火车上耽误了 -小鸡鸡火车
他会来的 他很可靠
可靠
好 跟我们说说这个小鸡鸡火车吧
好吧
他很可爱 他真的
他真的对我很好
我只是…我是说现在才刚开始
你怎么搞的啊？连话都说不好
-连话都说不好了 -别搞我了 我真的喜欢他
当然了
从没看你这么性感过
好 上菜了 能挪出点位置吗？
好了
今晚我做了三种咖哩 这是第一种
是露露咖哩
不 它现在叫凯蒂可马咖哩
-什么？这根本不算可马咖哩啊 -不 这一直都是可马咖哩
你一直喜欢玩文字游戏 我就不忍心揭穿
起初是以你名字命名的？
之前似乎是由我先占着名字 但他交了女友就不是了
是未婚妻
未婚妻 抱歉 我都忘了还有人会来订婚这套
别怪里怪气的 就是咖哩罢了
我没有怪里怪气啊
他是指她吧
真尴尬
-我会习惯的 -梅乐蒂在哪？
-她还在画柯林吗？ -肯定是
露露 去叫她
如果这炸蔬菜饼是帽子 凯特一定会戴去上班的
就像你在我嘴里射了一样
谢了各位 那酸辣酱如何？
尝起来像女人的阴部
谢了 宝贝
-好了好了 -别用这种口音说话
为什么不啊？这可是咖哩之夜
这样很无礼
-什么？为什么？我很擅长模仿 -不 你不在行
-把咖喱给大家吃吧？ -好
这样哪里无礼了？
-你会说我这样很无礼吗？ -是的 非常无礼
这样真的很无礼？ 会让人非常不爽吗？
用印度口音说话就是另一回事了
为什么我不能用印度口音说话？ 我又没有嘲讽印度人
我只是在咖哩之夜学口音而已
这么做是种族歧视
这样怎么就种族歧视了？
就是啊 让我觉得很不舒服
因为这让你觉得被印度人包围？
不 我没这么说
-我让你不舒服了吗 凯特？ -你要他离席吗？
我只是觉得嘲讽某种口音 会产生言外之意
拜托 现在已经不是1980年代了
你模仿别人的口音 可以不带嘲讽的意味
你们有人因此不爽吗？亲爱的
我觉得下面硬了
你不能只因自己觉得不舒服
就不准别人模仿印度口音
如果有种族歧视也是你吧
我不知道为什么这会让我 觉得怪怪的 反正就是会
你也来学这口音吧 凯蒂
学这口音吧 凯蒂
不要
我们能不能…
石榴籽好像放太多了 我不确定
-什么 这里面有… -在酸奶拌黄瓜里面
如果我不能立刻吃到印度薄饼
我就要拍打我的肚子了
你们明白了吗？
这样可能是种族歧视
老天啊 凯特
这真是非常美味的食物
加了药草味道更好了
这道菜不需要药草
最糟糕的是
他其实一直知道有哪里不对劲
但他就是个害怕独处的懦夫
即便她的会计师帮她口交 他都宁可在一起
而不愿意完全失去她
浪漫 可悲又动人
百感交集
我没想到她会告诉你们这一切的
-你熬过最艰难的时期了 -他有时会想着他们在一起的样子
然后自慰 他在性方面 是一个很复杂的男人
-但却有一颗宽大的心 -这样啊
宽大 破碎的心
-好了 梅乐蒂 -支离破碎
-真是够惨了 -不 听着
她在布莱恩那里找到真爱
我不能因为这事对她心怀怨恨
你的痛苦太美了
谢谢
-你还跟卡拉有联系吗？ -有
她传了张她花园的照片给我
-她前面私处的照片？ -不是的
虽然她前面那里 确实是个可爱的小花园
但我只注意到后花园
有更多空间让植物顽强地生长
其实比较像是我周末的爱好
-那能看看后花园的照片吗？ -当然了
如果你们喜欢这类东西的话
这是可爱的山茶花
太美了
你们也可以在豌豆藤中
看到正在开花的攀缘玫瑰
-那是什么？ -那是布莱恩
跳过菊花前面的洒水器
-他非常… -毛发浓密 没错
我恐怕就没这样的天赋
我觉得很美好
你有努力过
她让你失望了
而你不失风度
这样很好
谢谢你 山姆
你是想和这里哪个人上床吗？
不是
好 现在是尤克露露时间
我们要玩真心话之歌了
所以把杯子倒满 该好好了解一下彼此了
要做到这一点 我只知道这两种办法
-我明天还要上班 -我们都要啊
-这个嘛 -怎么了？
你是前台接待员
-所以呢？ -这个嘛
唱一首跟这美味香辣咖哩有关的歌
好
我真的很喜欢这道咖哩
它真的很幸运
因为凯特要我们 无论如何都得称赞一下
好
这是真的吗？
-不是 -是真的
-什么？ -下一个换谁？
-凯特来唱一首 -好主意
-唱一首关于 -跟性无关的 拜托了
关于高潮的
我不会唱跟高潮有关的歌
来吧
高潮真是太棒了
我真的很喜欢高潮
它们就在
这下面发生
你唱得真棒 宝贝
我想和柯林唱一首关于爱的歌
握住我的手
我为何在这里？
大多数早晨
我都希望自己已经死去
真他妈的太棒了
第二道咖哩
抱歉
-这什么味道？ -下一道咖哩的味道
好 为何你要跟露露说我高潮的事？
我没说啊 为什么你要 大家假装喜欢我做的菜？
我没有啊
-为什么你要跟露露说我没湿过？ -我没说
-宝贝 你不能这么说 -她直觉真是他妈的太准了
选我去唱跟高潮有关的歌
-幸好我蒙混过关了 -等等再说
拜托 这道菜是鱼 时间的拿捏很重要
向我保证她不知道
我保证
-以我们未来的孩子发誓 -我发誓
凯特就是来不了
我刚是在唱你明天 不能跟山姆和弗莱德
-去电影院的事 -当然了
-说真的 我不知道 -说真的 没关系
我真的不知道 安东尼 从没跟我说过什么 真的
我很抱歉
我不想谈这件事
好
如果你想唱的话我可以拿琴过来
他妈的我有天可能会杀了你
抱歉
但我是一个很好的倾听者
-我确定你是… -什么？
我只是觉得大家看到老二都能湿
可不是吗？
你这方面也有困难吗？
抱歉 我比较幸运 我连看着“碎片大厦”都能湿
露露 快出来 我从这里 都能感觉到你在破坏我的感情
没事的 宝贝
我知道你什么都没说 我们只是在聊天
-聊什么？ -碎片大厦
凯特 快出来
-我们在联络感情 -我说真的
她就是个黄毛丫头 她没什么可以教你的
没事的 宝贝 我们等等就出去
-我知道你什么都没跟她说 -好吧 但我不喜欢这样
聊这些事对你来说很恶心吧？
-你们就像兄妹一样 对吧？ -不 没关系的
兄妹…对吧？
没错
听着 关于高潮最重要的是…
该死的 我有湿过
只是从来没有…
跟安东尼有过
请别跟他说是我告诉你的
-当然 -我不希望这样就代表我们不幸福
当然不会了
幸福的人们是会高潮的
大家都有各自的方式
你们可能还没找到你们的方式 必须继续尝试
别放弃
谢谢
我进厕所其实是因为我想上大号
没问题
等等
你在干嘛？
-没干嘛 -快点 告诉我
为什么这个人不适合我？
她人太好？太成功了？
-太有魅力？ -你有鼻屎
我知道那不是真的
去你的
来嘛 快跟我说
我真的觉得她适合你
-真的吗？ -真的
谢了
我只是不确定你适不适合她
你们甚至没一起高潮过
那是我私底下告诉你的
该死的 露露
我现在真的他妈的很幸福
我不觉得
别想跟山姆上床
你这样是在自取其辱 我也不希望他得什么病
你们好
抱歉打扰你们
你们不会刚好知道我在哪可以找到 一个叫弗莱德的小家伙吧？
继续说
不行 我跟你们完全不熟
听着 如果我都能唱歌的话 你也行
能让你敞开心扉呢
你不太会唱也没关系 跟那无关
重点是真心话
唱就是了
除非弗莱德能帮我想个主题
我吗？
我不知道 我现在压力好大
-不如就… -鸡巴？
山姆
不如就…
企鹅？
真可爱
选得真好 弗莱德
弗莱德好小子啊
准备好了吗？
我会为你唱一首歌 关于企鹅和…
我的老天啊
别停啊
-蛮好的啊 -继续唱 继续
-好 来吧 -再唱一次
来点伴奏 伴奏
我希望我可以唱企鹅的歌
但我满脑子想的都是
好
关于世界上
最美妙生物的旋律
所以我想我要唱
我想我要唱
我要为弗莱德而唱
-再来一首 -我也想唱一首
太厉害了
我也想唱一首
你赢不了的
我都被自己吓到了
我得把你绑起来了 宝贝
为什么只有我一个人喝醉？
因为你把大家的酒都喝了
山姆 来帮把手好吗？
-山姆？ -好
-露露她… -火力全开啊
她只是想惹我生气
她并不是真的想和你上床
-她想 -她不想
她想
她不想
-她想 -我没时间跟你争这个
她不想
你能把那个拿过去吗？
我们把话说清楚
你还想上露露？
不
不是的
那就好 所以她没有被圈在 “禁止招惹”范围里了？
-你要做什么随便你 -真的吗？
不
但没错 随便你
但不要
-是吗？ -是
不行 没事好吗？
-你没事吧？ -不
那能让我忙好几周了
然后…柯林再来一点吗？
我想再倒多些也无所谓
然后我就要把弗莱德
带去我在帕尔马可爱的小别墅
好浪漫
-我们差不多快结束了？ -还没 大家坐好
梅乐蒂 弗莱德打我
弗莱德 再打他一次
给我
很抱歉 威尔
别逼我抓狂好吗？
你毁了这件衬衫
那是我的衬衫
我毁了我自己的衬衫 你抓什么狂啊？
你真可爱
别碰我 我不可爱
-我是个男人 -别炫耀了 你这小墨鱼
是我打造了你
你说什么？
把我的衬衫还回来
-什么？ -我想没必要这样吧？
现在马上还
拿去
好了
让我们来玩
-“谁今晚会做爱？” -梅乐蒂和柯林
-事情不是这样的 -拜托
我们都看到你偷偷地 从梅乐蒂的房间溜出来了
就像只满足的小松鼠
走吧 柯林
噢 可人儿别跑啊
天啊 我想我还是…
没关系的 柯林
你正经历人生巨变
-肯定会做非常奇怪的决定 -你知道我听得懂英语吧
为什么大家这么抓狂？ 他们是恋人 别管他们
-这样是否也很无礼 安东尼？ -他不是我的情人
他是我的灵感来源
我先失陪了
-我警告过你他很脆弱的 -他是成年人了
他刚冲出去时就像个小孩
灵感来源？
我觉得那样蛮可爱的
-我也是 -你才不觉得呢
你是说艺术家的灵感？
-真可爱 -没错 他就是
你以为艺术家随时都能 遇到像柯林这样的人吗？
他给我太多东西了
好 你就慢慢舔他
然后发泄在画布上吧
“他的痛苦太美了”
你是利用他来纵容自己
我纵容自己
那这是什么？
那是一瓶四英镑的红酒
我刚说什么了？这很贵的
我们就不能成熟点吗？拜托
-我真不敢相信你无法高潮 -如果冒犯你了我很抱歉 梅乐蒂
你没冒犯我 你令我厌烦
你想做的似乎就是喝酒自慰 然后再喝酒自慰
至少我不会把别人的痛苦 发泄在画布上来自慰
然后把画砸在别人的脸上 声称这是“我的艺术”
至少我不用瞪着别人可悲的裸体
-来让我有所感觉 -太性感了吧
这不正是你和柯林做的事吗？
抱歉 还是我该称他为 你的灵感来源？
或许凯特也该试着看看柯林的裸体 帮助她迎来首次高潮
我有过高潮
你们满脑子都是做爱
-太可悲了 -先别走啊
这是最后压轴 咖哩风暴啊
我受不了了 老兄 我必须让她高潮啊
我有过高潮
这道菜非常巧妙地混杂了三种 既特殊又受欢迎的香料
这是我第一次成功做出这道菜
整整腌制了三天呢
-那高潮是什么感觉？ -别烦她了
-能把注意力放在咖哩上吗？ -你一定完全没有过
-她有过 -我有过高潮
她只是没跟安东尼有过
我们能否
别再继续
激怒别人了 露？
好的
我来收集
这里所有的负能量
把它放进这里 好吗？
别放进那里 我腌了三天呢
不
别吃
天啊 这太美味了
宝贝 我们去睡觉吧 安东尼
-妈的 -我来收拾 我来
-我们第一次吵架呢 -好了
我去帮你拿一大瓶水来 好吗？
弗莱德 你有杯子和布吗？
当然 跟我来
-你的朋友们都是疯子 -我知道
你好啊
你好
很诱惑人 宝贝 但我太饱了
别这样 把奶露出来嘛
我们不能这么做
抱歉
别这样
我可以让你叫我弗莱德
开玩笑的
我以为你离开了
我也这么以为
如果你无法接受可以不用待在这里
不
我想留在这里
我想成为你画中的痛苦
可以这么说
谢谢 柯林
就这样
这样就好
就这样 对
-太羞人了 -不 亲爱的 不是的
我们只需找到我们
得到高潮的方式
很抱歉
我并不想
在你面前哭
不
没关系的
或许我们该承认我们…
继续哭
-别停 -并不适合
好 继续哭
-在一起 -想想这让你多么难过
继续哭
就是这样
哭吧
哭吧 就是这样
哭吧 求你了
你很难过
就是这样
-你是不是…？ -是的
我高潮了
字幕翻译：杨雅婷
[theme music playing]
Oh, please, if you're about to say something like
"porn is killing sex" we are going to have a massive argument.
-Please don't say it. -Porn is killing sex.
-Bring it. -Listen, hot shot,
-I've wanked over the entire internet. -Oh, goodness.
Computer screens used to give me faster boners than a flash of a tit
and that is not normal.
Can we please stop talking about porn?
Lulu, you're supposed to be helping me!
You know that a common side effect of excessive porn use
-is erectile dysfunction... -[exclaims]
Are you getting better boners?
What do you think is holding the table up?
Lulu, kitchen now!
Guys, am I too much?
-[shouting] -Hot.
You look lovely.
Cheers. Sam helped.
Ladies and gentlemen... This is my greatest achievement.
You look so hot!
Here, try this.
-Is it a hot one? -No. It's sweet.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you for letting me stay here.
I know it can't have been ideal me just...
Turning up out of the... Oh, my God!
-You are a bastard! -[laughing]
You bastard!
I should have seen it coming, you fucker!
Fred, where's your date? We need to get going.
I'll call him again.
Stood up.
-He's probably just got stuck on a... -Penis.
-Train. -Penis train.
He'll be here. He's very reliable.
[ALL] Woohoo! Reliable!
So, go on, pray tell us all about the penis train.
Oh, yeah, well... He-he's lovely. Yeah, he's really, um...
He's just so nice to me, I don't...
I just... I mean, it's... Early days.
What's wrong with you? It's broken.
-Oh, it's broken! -Don't mess me up, OK? I like him.
Yeah sure. Never seen you look so sexy.
OK, here we go. Can we move that, please?
[cheering]
Yup. OK.
Tonight there will be three curries, this first one is...
[gasping]
Vindalulu!
Yeah. No. Now it's called Katie Korma.
What? But it's not even a korma.
No, it's always been a korma.
You were just so chuffed with your wordplay
I couldn't break it to you.
Wow.
It was named after you first?
Oh, it seems I was just the holding
name until he got himself an actual girlfriend.
Fiancée.
Fiancée. Sorry, I forgot people still did that.
Don't get weird about it. It's a curry.
I'm not being weird about it!
Oh, he meant her.
That's embarrassing.
-Ah. I'll get over it. -Where's Melody?
-[Fred] Oh, she's still painting Colin. -[Sam] I bet she is.
Lulu, go get her.
[chattering]
Mate, if this bhaji was a hat, Kate would wear it to work.
It's like you've come in my mouth.
Thanks, guys. And the chutney?
[overlapping comments]
Mmmm, tastes like cunt.
[giggles]
Thanks, baby.
-[Indian accent] OK. -Don't.
But why not-ah? It's curry night!
It's offensive.
What? Why? I'm good at it...
-No. Can we just serve the curry? -Yeah.
[Lulu] But why is it offensive?
[Irish accent] Would you say that this is offensive, now Anthony?
Yes. Very.
[American accent] Is this offensive. This is, like, totally offensive, right?
Doing an Indian accent is different.
Why can't I do an Indian accent?
I'm not taking the piss out of Indian people,
I'm just doing the accent-ah on curry night-ah!
It's racist. OK.
How is it racist?
It just is. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Because it makes you feel like you are around Indian people?
No. I didn't say...
Am I making you feel uncomfortable, Kate?
Do you want him to leave?
I just feel there are certain connotations that come with mocking certain accents.
Come on, it's not the 1980s any more.
You can do an accent without it being mocking!
[posh accent] Is this offending any of you, darlings?
I just got hard.
You can't censor an Indian accent just because
it makes you feel uncomfortable.
If anything, that's racist.
I don't know why it makes me feel weird. It just does.
[exaggerated accent] Oh, do the accent, Katy.
[laughter and encouragement]
Do the accent, Katy.
No!
Can we just, um...
The pomegranate seeds might be a little bit too much, I'm not sure.
-What, there's... -They're in the raita.
[indistinct chattering]
[exaggerated Indian accent] I'm going to pop my belly
if I don't munch on a pappadums soon, ya?
You understand me, ya?
Maybe it is racist.
Jesus, Kate. I mean.
This is really beautiful food.
Yeah, with herbs it would be even better, actually.
It shouldn't really need herbs.
[indistinct chattering]
The worst thing about it is, a part of him always knew it was happening,
but he was just too much of a coward to be alone.
He'd rather have her while she's being licked out by her accountant,
than not have her at all.
Romantic, pathetic, beautiful. It's so many things.
Wow.
Yes, I wasn't expecting her to tell you all that.
You're through the worst now.
He also has sometimes touched himself thinking of the two of them together.
He is a sexually complicated man. But with a huge heart.
-Right. -A huge, broken, heart.
-OK, Melody. -Shattered.
Bum out.
No, look. She has found love with Brian.
I cannot begrudge her that.
Your pain is so beautiful.
Thank you.
Have you been in touch with Cara?
Yes. She sent me a photo of her garden.
Her front garden?
No, although she does have a lovely little front garden.
But I only paid attention to the back garden.
More space for aggressive seeding and such.
It was rather a weekend passion of mine.
Can we see a picture of her back garden?
Of course. If you like that sort of thing.
Here are the lovely camellias.
[gasping]
And you can just make out that climbing rose blossoming
through the sweet peas.
What's that?
That's Brian jumping through the sprinkler in front of the chrysanthemums.
He's very...
Hairy, yes.
I haven't that gift, I'm afraid.
[clears throat]
I think it's beautiful.
That you tried. She let you down.
You held your end up. Good for you.
Thank you, Sam.
Are you trying to have sex with someone here?
No.
[ukulele strums]
OK. It's Ukululu time. We're going to play Truth Songs.
So, fill your cups.
It's time to get to know each other properly
and these are the only two ways I know how to do it.
-I have work tomorrow. -Ah, we all do.
-Well... -What?
You're a receptionist.
And?
Well...
Sing one about this deliciously spicy curry!
OK. [clears throat]
♪ I really liked the curry ♪
♪ Which is really lucky ♪
Whoa!
♪ 'Cause Kate told us To big it up whether we did or not ♪
[applause and cheers]
Is that true?
No.
Yes. Who's next?
Kate do one!
Excellent idea!
-Do one about... -Nothing sexual, please.
Orgasms!
I'm not going to sing about orgasms!
[all] Come on!
[ukulele strums]
[chuckles]
♪ They feel really nice ♪
♪ I really like orgasms ♪
♪ They happen down there ♪
You nailed it, babe.
[all cheering and applauding]
I want to do one with Colin, about love.
Hold my hand.
♪ Oooooo Oooooo ♪
♪ Why am I here? ♪
♪ Most mornings I wish I was dead ♪
Wow.
[all applauding]
Fucking amazing.
[timer dings]
Second curry.
-[Fred] Oh, sorry! -Uh...
[slurps]
What's that smell?
It's the next curry.
Oh, lovely. Why did you tell Lulu about my orgasm thing?
I didn't. Why did you tell everyone to pretend to like my meal?
I didn't.
Why did you tell Lulu I've never jizzed?
I didn't! Baby, you can't say jizzed.
Well, she's fucking intuitive then,
picking me to sing the one song about orgasms.
Lucky I pulled it off.
Later. Please. This one is fish.
It's all in the timing.
Promise me she doesn't know.
I promise.
-Swear on our future children. -I swear.
♪ Kate can't come ♪
[Lulu] I was singing about how...
How you can't come to the cinema with Sam and Fred tomorrow.
-Sure. -Seriously, I didn't know.
Seriously, it's OK.
I didn't know. Anthony never tells me anything any more. Seriously.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to talk about it.
OK.
I can get the ukulele if you'd rather sing about it.
-I could fucking murder you sometimes. -Sorry.
Hey, I'm a good listener, though.
-I'm sure you-- -What?
[scoffs]
I just feel like everyone else can jizz at the drop of a cock.
Tell me about it.
You struggle as well?
Oh, no, sorry. I'm one of the lucky ones.
I get close just looking at The Shard.
Huh...
[door bangs]
[Anthony] Lulu, get out, come on.
I can feel you ruining my relationship from here.
[Kate] It's OK, baby.
I know you didn't say anything. We're just chatting.
-About what? -The Shard.
[Anthony] Get out of there!
We're bonding!
I'm serious! She's a teenage boy, she has nothing to offer!
It's OK, baby. We'll be back down in a minute.
I know you didn't tell her anything.
[Anthony] Yeah, well, I don't like it.
Is it really gross for you to talk about all this stuff?
I know you two are like siblings, right?
No, it's fine.
Siblings... Right?
Yes.
Look, the main thing about orgasms...
Oh, fuck's sake. I have jizzed.
I've just never...
With Anthony.
-Oh. -Please don't tell him I told you.
-'Course. -I don't want it to mean we're not happy.
It doesn't.
Happy people jizz.
Everyone has a thing. You probably just haven't found yours yet.
You've got to keep experimenting. Don't give up.
-[slaps] -[chuckles]
Thanks.
[whispers] I did actually come in here because I need to poo.
Sure.
-Hey. -[chuckles]
What are you doing?
Wow! Nothing.
Come on. Tell me, like...
Why is this one not right for me?
Is she too kind? Too successful?
Too attractive?
You've got a bogey.
I know that's not true.
Fuck you.
No, come on. Please, tell me.
I do think she's right for you.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm just not sure you're right for her.
You don't even come together.
I told you that in confidence.
Aw, shit. Lulu...
I'm really fucking happy now.
I don't think you are.
Stop trying to fuck Sam.
You're embarrassing yourself and I don't want him to catch anything.
Hey, guys. Sorry to interruptaroo.
You don't know where I can find a little fella called Fred, do you?
[chatter]
[talk grows louder]
Go on! No, way! No, I hardly know you guys.
Look, if I can do a song, then you can!
It's rather liberating.
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you can't sing, it's not about that.
It's about truth!
Just fucking do it.
[laughing]
Only if Fred gives me the topic.
Ooh, me? Oh, I don't know... I feel under pressure now.
-How about, um... -Cock?
Sam.
How about... Penguins?
Lovely!
Excellent choice, Fred.
Classic Fred.
[clears throat] Ready?
[playing ukulele]
♪ I'll sing you a song about penguins and ♪
I... Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no! It's good.
One more go, one more go.
Just do it again.
All right, come on. With groove, groove it.
♪ And I wish that I could Sing about those penguins ♪
♪ But all that I have in my head, yeah ♪
♪ Is a tune, a tune, a tune ♪
♪ About the most beautiful creature in the world ♪
♪ So I guess I got to sing ♪
♪ I got to sing about Fred! ♪
[cheering]
I want to do one.
You can't beat that!
I think I surprised myself with that one!
Oh-oh-oh-oh!
I'm going to have to strap you in, baby girl.
[table shakes] Oh!
Why am I the only ones drunk?
'Cause you drank everyone's wine.
Sam, help me, would you?
-Sam? -Yeah.
So, Lulu...
-Pretty full-on, yeah. -She's just trying to piss me off.
She doesn't actually want to have sex with you.
-She does. Mmm. -She doesn't.
She does.
She doesn't.
-She does. -I don't have time to do this.
She doesn't.
Can you carry those in?
So, just to be clear... You still want to bang Lulu?
No! No.
OK, cool! So she's not red zone any more?
-Do what you want, man. -Really?
No!
But, yeah, sure. But no.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
No. Cool?
-Are you OK? -No.
That'll keep me busy for a couple of weeks.
And then... Colin?
I suppose a drop more can't hurt.
Then I'm whisking Fred away to this lovely little villa
that I've got in Palma.
Aw, how romantic.
Are we nearly finished?
Nope, no-one move.
Ow! Melody, Fred hit me!
Fred, do it again.
Give me that. I'm so sorry about this, Will.
Don't make crazy Fred come to town, OK?
[all] Oh!
You have ruined the shirt!
It was my shirt! I've ruined my shirt. And "crazy Fred"?
Oh, you're adorable.
Stop touching me. I'm not adorable.
I'm a man.
All right, stop showing off, you little squid.
I made you.
Excuse me?
Give me my shirt back.
-What? -I don't think that's necessary, is it?
Now.
All yours.
OK...
Now let's play...
"Who's going to have sex tonight?"
Melody and Colin!
-That is not what this is. -Oh, come on.
We've all seen you sneaking out of Melody's room
like a satisfied little squirrel.
Come on, Colin.
Aw, Lolita, don't run!
Oh, God, I think I'll, erm...
It's OK, Colin. You're going through a big life change.
You're bound to make very odd decisions.
I understand English, you know.
Why is everyone freaking out?
Zey are lovers. Let zem be!
Is zat offensive, Anthony?
He's not my lover!
He's my muse!
[exhaling sharply]
[scoffs]
Please excuse me.
Merci.
-I warned you he was fragile. -He's an adult.
Well, he just stormed off like a little baby.
Your muse?
Well, I think that's just lovely.
-Me, too. -No, you don't.
Like an artist's muse?
Just lovely.
Yes, he is!
You think meeting someone like Colin happens to artists all the time?
He gives so much.
Yeah, sure, and you just lap it up and just
slap it on a canvas.
Pardon?
"His pain is so beautiful."
You're using him to indulge yourself.
I am indulging. And what is this?
That is a £4 bottle of wine.
[yelling]
What did I just say? That's expensive!
Can we all grow up for a second here, please?
I can't believe you can't come.
Sorry if I upset you, Melody.
You don't upset me. You bore me.
All you seem to want to do is drink and wank and drink and wank.
Well, at least I don't have to wank other people's pain onto a canvas,
and then shove it in people's faces and call it "my art."
Well, at least I don't have to stare at other people's
miserable, naked bodies to make me feel something.
This is so hot.
Isn't that exactly what you're doing with Colin?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, should I call him your muse?
Maybe Kate should try staring at a naked Colin
to help her orgasm debut.
I have had an orgasm!
You are all obsessed with sex! Pathetic.
Don't walk out on this, this is the big one.
This is the curr-icane!
I can't bear it, mate. I'm going to have to make her come.
I have had an orgasm!
This is a very delicate mix of three very unusual, sought-after spices.
This is the first time I've managed to make it.
It takes three days to marinate so...
-What does it feel like, then? -Oh, leave her alone.
Can we focus on the curries, please?
-You blatantly haven't. -She has!
I have had an orgasm!
She's just never orgasmed with Anthony!
Can we drop the wind-ups for a second, Lu?
OK...
I am just going to gather up all of this negative energy
and I'm just going to pop it in here, OK?
Don't put it in there.
I've spent three days marinating!
No!
Oh, God, it's delicious.
[Kate]Come on, baby, let's go to bed. Anthony.
-Fuck! -I'll do it.
Aw. Our first fight.
G'day. I'm going to go and get you a big pint of water, OK?
Fred, have you got some cups and some cloths?
Yes. Sure. This way.
Your friends are lunatics.
I know.
Ugh!
[groans]
Oh...
Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
It's tempting, Chuckles, but I'm too full.
Aw, come on. Get your tits out.
We can't.
Sorry.
No!
I'll let you call me Fred!
That was a joke.
[Melody] I thought you left.
So did I.
You don't have to be here if you can't handle...
No.
I want to be here.
I want to be the pain in your paintings...
So to speak.
Merci, Colin.
[inhaling sharply]
Yup.
That's OK.
Yup.
This is humiliating.
No, baby, it's not. We've just got to find our... Thing.
[sniffs] I'm sorry.
I don't want to... Whoo!
Cry in front of you, but...
No... That's fine.
Maybe we're just going to have to admit that we're not...
Keep crying. Don't stop crying...
-Compatible... -Yeah!
-Keep going. -Together.
Think about how sad that makes you.
-Keep crying! -[sobs]
Cry! Cry!
Oh, yeah! Please, cry!
Oh, you're sad! Yeah!
Ugh! Ugh!
-Did you... -Yep.
Yeah, I did.