(music) Thank you for being a friend
(music) Traveled down the road and back again
(music) Your heart is true
(music) You're a pal and a confidant
(music) And if you threw a party
(music) Invited everyone you knew
(music) You would see
(music) The biggest gift would be from me
(music) And the card attached would say
(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)
- Hi, Rose. - We brought dinner.
- What'd you get? - A bucket of chicken.
I hope you like it extra flat and crispy.
It's a pizza, Rose.
I knew that, I just meant what kind?
- Did you really know that? - No.
But I thought I could cover.
I'm glad you're all here. I want you to try something.
Here, taste this.
- What do you think? - It's water.
I didn't ask you to identify it, I asked you what you thought.
- It's good. - Just good?
Very good.
How would you describe the taste?
- Refreshing, clear, clean... - Would you buy this water?
- Sure, why not? - Absolutely.
We're rich. We're rich. It comes from the hose out back.
Move over Perrier, Petrillo water is on the way.
- Ma... - I know what you're gonna say.
Another one of my get-rich-quick schemes.
This is different. I've been working on this since noon.
Ma, when are you gonna learn that these money-making gimmicks
of yours never work?
I'm not the only one with dreams.
I remember when we thought catering was the ticket.
Do you remember that?
[All groaning]
Girls, this time I think we have really hit the jackpot.
Oh, me too.
This wedding consulting business is the smartest thing we've ever done.
I'm a little nervous about tomorrow.
I've never cooked for 300 people.
Please, in Sicily, we did it all the time.
And we didn't have the modern conveniences you have today.
We had to slaughter our own meat, prepare our own seasonings,
and, if the food wasn't perfect, after cappuccino, they shot the cook.
Ma, you're making that up.
No, I'm not. Why do you think there are only two guys from Italy?
[Bell rings]
Oh, places everybody.
Hit it.
You know, this is boring.
I know how we could make the time go faster.
We could sing a work song, like they do on the railroad.
[Rose] Just follow my lead.
(music) Gonna stuff a chicken
[Blanche and Dorothy] (music) Gonna stuff a chicken
(music) Like my mama taught me
[Blanche and Dorothy] (music) Like my mama taught me
(music) Gonna take the chicken down to Mississippi (music)
Rose. Rose, just stuff it.
[Door bell rings]
Who on earth could that be at 3:00 in the morning?
Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem.
All right. Maybe we should go see.
Yeah.
Maybe we should have a weapon.
Please, the three of you without make up is enough to scare anyone.
- Who is it? - [Woman] It's Priscilla.
Priscilla?
Priscilla! You're getting married tomorrow. You should be in bed.
- There's not gonna be a wedding. - The hell there isn't.
Sorry, dear, you were saying?
Ramone and I had a fight.
I decided I'm not gonna marry him.
Oh, honey, now that's ridiculous
to call off your wedding because of a silly little argument.
- What did Ramone do? - He slept with my best friend.
We're gonna eat chicken for the rest of our lives.
Oh, Priscilla, I'm so sorry.
Listen. Be grateful he got it out of his system before the marriage.
It'll give you something to make him feel guilty about.
Most women go through three, four years of marriage
for ammunition like that.
[Telephone rings]
Hello, Miami Mom's Catering.
- It's Ramone. - Tell him he's scum of the earth.
She says that you are the scum of the earth.
But she said it with a lot of love in her eyes.
- He says he's sorry. - Do you hear that?
Darling, he's sorry. So I guess that settles everything, okay?
We'll see you at your wedding.
Girls! Wait a minute.
We're talking about the sacred institution of marriage here.
Are you willing to sacrifice the happiness of these two kids
- for the almighty dollar? - [All] Yes.
I just want to be sure we're in agreement.
Ramone, I'm gonna put Priscilla on now.
I... just talk to him.
Hello?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Okay. Goodbye.
We're back together.
Sometimes when you really talk things out like that,
you can solve anything.
I can't thank you ladies enough.
We're so much in love. Ramone can't even wait until tomorrow.
- Oh, isn't that sweet. - We're eloping to Las Vegas.
- You're what? - He's booking the flight now.
- Congratulations, darling. - Congratulations?
Listen, we were going to give you your wedding gift tomorrow,
but since we won't see you, why don't you take it home tonight.
Thank you.
[Blanche] Good night.
Dorothy, are you crazy?
We're gonna lose a fortune on this wedding.
And you let her march out that door with your best piece of crystal.
Hello, police? Yeah, I'd like to report a robbery.
But that wasn't a scheme, Sophia, that was a legitimate business.
And we lost our shirts.
That's the beauty of this water thing. You can't lose.
It's a rip off, pure and simple.
That's why the French were first to come up with it.
Sophia, why are you so obsessed with money?
Because I wanna buy a TV for my bedroom.
Ma, we have a perfectly good TV set in the living room.
But you never let me watch what I like.
I wanna make sure I don't miss that final episode
of MASH I've been hearing so much about.
Sophia, honey, that show hasn't been on in years.
Is Hotel still on?
Yes.
Hotel is still on and MASH isn't?
How gullible do you think I am?
Do I look like Donna Rice?
You know, Ma, I seem to remember another time
you were trying to make extra money so you could buy a TV set.
Do you happen to be talking about Brooklyn, April 1954.
You remember that, but you don't know that MASH is off the air.
Shut up and stroll with me down memory lane.
I'd taken in some sewing.
It was a couple of weeks before Easter.
- I'm home. - Call the New York Times.
What's for dinner?
Pierre is writing today's selections on the blackboard in the kitchen.
- [Salvadore] Ow, my tooth! - Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Stay away from the food on the table, it's wax.
[Knock on door]
Hi, Ma.
Dorothy, I didn't know you were coming.
- Did you bring the kids? - No, I wanted to talk to you alone.
- Sal, Dorothy's here. - [Sal] Did she bring the kids?
Hi, Pop. No, the kids are at home.
[Sal] Hey, what the hell is this? I thought dinner was in the oven.
- There's nothing but a tin plate. - Take the foil off the top.
It's something new. It's called a TV dinner.
[Sal] The wax fruit looks better.
Ma, I need to ask you a favor.
I wanna get a part-time job and I was wondering if you could
watch the kids two days a week.
Stan lost his job. I told you that yutz is a deadbeat.
Stan did not lose his job.
His job, he could afford to lose.
A novelty salesman. The novelty would be if he made a sale.
[Sal] Don't listen to your mother. There's a big market for novelties.
That plastic dog doo we snuck into Charlie's lunch pail, was a scream.
I'll bet his cocker spaniel will catch hell for that tonight.
Lucky me. I'm married to the Noel Coward of Canarsie.
I just want to pick up a couple of extra dollars
so we can buy a television set.
- No. - What?
No, I won't watch the kids.
But you love it when the kids come over for a visit.
That's not the point. Don't throw away money.
This TV thing is just a fad.
[Sal] Hey, did you know this turkey comes with stuffing?
Ma, TV is not a fad.
Otherwise Swanson would have called those radio dinners.
I told you, no.
[Sal] I didn't know these were mashed potatoes.
They don't have lumps like yours.
You want lumps, Salvadore, I'll give you lumps.
Ma, I cannot believe you are so old-fashioned in your thinking.
I said no and it's no. I'm too busy to have this argument.
Fine. I'll just leave the kids with Stan's mother.
Over my dead body.
That gorilla scares the children.
Michael didn't sleep for a week after he saw her last time.
Ma, that is enough.
One way or another, I am going to earn that money for the TV.
[Sal] Sophia, would you just tell her
so your husband can enjoy his meal in peace.
- Tell me what? - [Sal] These peas taste like fresh.
But you can't mix them with the mashed potatoes.
They should have a tunnel running from the pea compartment
to the mashed potato compartment.
Ma, what is Pop talking about? What should you tell me?
All right, all right.
It's your tenth anniversary,
your father and I decided to buy you a TV set as a gift.
- Ma, you can't afford that. - That's why I'm doing alterations.
Think I need a wardrobe this size to go to Mulberry Street
and squeeze a zucchini?
[Laughing] Oh, Ma.
What's so funny?
I lied.
I wanted the job so we could buy Pop a TV for his birthday.
Then it's settled. You buy us one, we'll buy you one.
- It's a deal. - Sure.
Then your father can watch the Friday night fights
with your yutz of a husband,
you come here and watch Person to Person with me,
and maybe once a week the whole family can come over
and watch that new show, Make Room for Daddy.
Thanks, Ma.
- Where are you going? - Get some air.
- We got air in the house. - I like beer with my air.
- [Sal] You wait up for me? - Don't I always?
- [Sal] I love you. - I love you, too.
I look at him, I see Errol Flynn.
- That pizza was delicious. - The best.
There's still one piece left, who wants it?
- I do. - I do.
Well, I can split it three ways.
What am I supposed to do, lick the box?
Ma, you don't like store bought pizza, you prefer homemade.
I also prefer milk straight from a cow. I adapt.
This is awful.
Ma, if you weren't going to eat it, why did you take it?
It's the principle. You're always leaving me out of things.
Now, Sophia, that's not true.
The hell it isn't. What about that dance marathon you cut me out of?
Oh, now, come on, Ma. That was different.
There was money at stake.
We didn't even tell each other about that.
I remember I was the first one to arrive, remember?
And I was wearing that blue sequined dress...
[big band music plays]
Will you quit complaining, Marty? It's gonna be fun.
You said we're going dancing tonight.
You failed to mention it was a dance marathon.
Well, the first prize is $1000 and I have to have that money.
I'm in desperate need of medical attention.
- Is it serious? - Very.
If I can't afford a new fall wardrobe, I'll never land myself a doctor.
No offense, Marty.
You know, sometimes I don't think you're serious about me.
Don't be silly. I love you as much as I could any dry cleaner.
Run and get us a number. Go on.
Why, hello there, Blanche.
Well, Dorothy. Russ, hi. What are you all doing here?
Russell and I just entered the dance marathon.
- Really, so did I. - Yes. It's for charity.
I thought it would be fun.
Well, have yourself a good time. Try not to overdo it.
Blanche, what is that supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing.
Just that these things can be a little strenuous
for a woman of your years.
Who am I, Minnie Eisenhower?
I can last just as long as you can.
[Laughing] Oh, Dorothy, please.
I think I do have a little more endurance than you.
Blanche, we are not dancing on our backs.
- You take that back. - I will not.
You just implied that I'm an old lady.
Well, honey, I didn't mean to imply it.
I meant to say it flat out.
You know what your problem is? You can't stand a little competition.
[Scoffing]
- Which is why you kept this a secret. - I notice you're here too, Dorothy.
So you tried to keep it a secret from me.
Hi, girls.
Et tu, Judas?
No, it's me, Rose. My hair is a little different.
You two found out about this thing too?
- Mm-hmm. - That's right.
Let give you a little friendly advice. You're wasting your time.
'Cause that thousand dollar prize is gonna be mine.
When I was younger, I was known as the dancing fool.
How old were you when they dropped the "dancing" part?
[Drum roll]
Yowza, yowza, yowza, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to the thirteenth annual Jefferson Hospital
Heart Charity Dance Marathon. Yes, sir.
[Applause]
One word of caution before we begin.
Contrary to what some folks thought last year,
this marathon is not part of the Cardiac Rehabilitation program
here at the hospital.
So, if any of you toe tappers have more than 30 percent blockage,
we implore you to leave the dance floor at this time.
All right, now. Let's let the dance marathon begin!
A one, two, three, four.
[Music plays]
Blanche, you're not gonna believe this.
I twisted my ankle. I can't dance.
No, no, no, you have to.
I can't believe you'd force me to dance all night in pain.
I mean, if you win, you said you were gonna take all the money.
- What do I get out of this evening? - Come here.
Let's samba.
[Slower big band music plays]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, our charity dance marathon
is now entering its seventh hour.
Let's give our contestants a great big hand.
[Applause]
Hi, girls, how are you holding up?
- Oh, fine, just fine. - Terrific.
You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf
to kick off Pretzel Week.
My Uncle Gunther, after the great beer nut shortage of '21...
Foul! Send a judge over here.
This woman is trying to put us to sleep.
You're just exhausted and you're trying to blame it on me.
Exhausted? I'll show you who's exhausted.
Maestro. How about something with a little... octane.
Okay, little lady. All right, boys! Take it away!
A one, two, a one, two, three, four.
[Take the A Train plays]
[Blanche] Out of my way, amateurs.
[Crowd whoops]
Blanche, mind if I give it a try?
Oh, for heaven's sake, go on.
No, Dave, I better do this by myself.
You might get hurt.
Three, four...
[drum music plays]
[Crowd whistles]
It looks like it's going to be a long night.
[Slower music plays]
Ladies and gentlemen, a nice round of applause
for our four remaining couples as we enter lucky hour number 13.
[Applause]
[Announcer] And a special round of applause for spunky Nick Montavesti.
He outran enemy fire at Iwo Jima,
but phlebitis is the enemy he couldn't outrun tonight.
And now, it's time to tango.
[Tango music plays]
- Blanche, I can't. - No.
- I can't go on. - No, you have to.
Just a little while longer and I'll have that thousand.
And you will have a wonderful story to tell your poker club.
No, I'm sorry, Blanche. I quit.
- Don't you dare. - No, I quit.
- Marty!
Uh-oh, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like couple 29
is out of the competition.
And that little lady on the dance floor
is out too unless she can find a new partner
within the next minute.
[Laughing]
Oh, yeah?
Excuse me, sir. Listen.
Would you consider dumping your partner and dancing with me...
Listen, sir. Excuse me. Would you consider it if I...
[grunts in pain]
Dorothy, Dorothy!
I got a charlie horse.
- I can't make it. - Shake it off, wimp!
I can't.
Russell, come back. Come back here.
Come back here! Russell!
Looks like it's just you and me, Blanche.
Rose, I'm afraid I have to leave.
- Are you in pain? - I will be
if my wife catches me and she just walked in.
David! David!
Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have a winner.
Couple number 29!
That's me. I won. I won!
I won! I won!
Just a minute, it's not over yet.
It looks like we have another couple re-entering the floor.
I will never forget the look on your face when Dorothy and I
tangoed on to the floor.
And I will never forget the look on your faces
when you were disqualified and I won the thousand dollars.
And it was so sporting of you to share your winnings.
With my $10 I got that can opener I always wanted.
Don't say no, just hear me out.
- Do you think I'm cute? - Oh, Ma.
- Just answer. - Yes, Ma, I think you're cute.
Would you say cute verging on adorable?
Sophia, what's this all about?
Just picture my face on this jar filled with my tomato sauce.
We could put Paul Newman out of business.
Ma, if you had your choice
of a spaghetti sauce with your picture on it
or Paul Newman's picture on it, which would you choose?
Back to square one.
- 5@y3 -