>> Steve: WELCOME TO "THE
TONIGHT SHOW!"
AND HERE'S YOUR HOST
JIMMY FALLON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PLEASE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME.
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW."
GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS,
EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU GUYS, IT IS A VERY SPECIAL
NIGHT HERE TONIGHT.
THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS FILLED
WITH PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T GET
TICKETS TO "THE AVENGERS."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH, ISN'T THAT GREAT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME" IS FINALLY
HERE, AND I HEARD THAT THE
MOVIE IS ACTUALLY THREE HOURS
LONG.
[ CHEERS ]
YEAH.
AFTER THREE HOURS EVEN THE
BIGGEST AVENGERS FANS ARE LIKE,
"DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET
THERE BE SCENES AFTER THE
CREDITS."
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THERE IS, THERE IS.
I KNOW THERE IS.
OF COURSE, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
WORRIED ABOUT SPOILERS.
BUT TO BE HONEST, I'M MORE
WORRIED ABOUT SITTING NEXT TO
THAT GUY WHO WATCHES EVERY
TRAILER AND GOES, "I'M GOING TO
SEE THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
UH, I AIN'T GOING TO SEE THAT
ONE.
OH, I'LL DEFINITELY SEE THAT."
YOU MIGHT NOT BE AT "THE
AVENGERS" TONIGHT, BUT YOU GUYS
DO GET TO SEE ONE AVENGER.
PAUL RUDD IS HERE THIS EVENING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PAUL RUDD.
>> Steve: COME ON.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT GUY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I LOVE PAUL RUDD.
WE LOVE HIM AS "ANT-MAN", WHICH
BY THE WAY IS ALSO
STORMY DANIELS' NICKNAME FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AFTER MONTHS OF WAITING, TODAY,
JOE BIDEN FINALLY ANNOUNCED
HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HE RELEASED A VIDEO THIS
MORNING, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> TODAY I'M ANNOUNCING MY
CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
>> Jimmy: THERE WE GO.
CAN WE JUST SEE HIM AGAIN?
YEAH.
IS HE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OR
TRYING TO SELL ME A REVERSE
MORTGAGE?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT IS HE DOING?
>> Steve: WOW.
>> Jimmy: GET THIS.
BIDEN ALREADY HAS A SPECIAL
CAMPAIGN MERCHANDISE FOR SALE
ON HIS WEBSITE.
TAKE A LOOK.
THERE'S JOE BIDEN MUGS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BIDEN PINS, BIDEN TOTE BAGS AND
OF COURSE, BIDEN MASSAGERS.
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Steve: BIDEN.
>> Jimmy: WELL, BIDEN'S ALREADY
HITTING THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
THIS AFTERNOON, HE STOPPED AT A
A PIZZA PLACE IN DELAWARE,
WHERE HE TALKED TO SOME
REPORTERS.
I THINK HE GOT A LITTLE
DISTRACTED.
CHECK THIS OUT.
>> LOOK, WE'RE PUTTING TOGETHER
A -- I THINK A PRETTY GOOD
STAFF.
AND GOOD CAPABILITY AND
WEBSITES.
HEY, MAN, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> GOOD.
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
HEY, I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME
PIZZA.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HE WAS LIKE, THE ONLY
WAY WE'LL HAVE PIZZA IN THE
MIDDLE EAST IS -- OOH, A
A CALZONE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, I SAW THAT BIDEN'S
OFFICIAL SLOGAN IS "OUR BEST
DAYS STILL LIE AHEAD."
BUT THEY ALSO BRAINSTORMED A
A BUNCH OF OTHER SLOGANS, BY
LOOKING AT SOME CLASSIC
PICTURES OF BIDEN.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
FOR INSTANCE, FIRST UP, WITH
THIS PHOTO, HIS SLOGAN WOULD
BE, "JOE BIDEN: MAKE AMERICA
FEEL A LITTLE TIPSY AGAIN."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Steve: YEAH.
>> Jimmy: NEXT, THIS PHOTO.
WE HAVE THE SLOGAN, "JOE BIDEN:
I ALREADY GOT MY CABINET ALL
PICKED OUT."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THEN WITH THIS ONE, HIS SLOGAN
WOULD BE, "JOE BIDEN: I GOT TWO
REASONS WHY I HATE GLOBAL
WARMING AND I'M DOUBLE FISTING
THEM RIGHT NOW."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS PHOTO, THE SLOGAN IS,
"JOE BIDEN: FORGET THE SEAT
BELT, HEALTH CARE IS BACK,
BABY."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THEN THERE'S THIS PICTURE.
HIS SLOGAN WOULD BE "JOE BIDEN:
I GOT YOUR BACK, AMERICA."
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
GLAD HE DIDN'T GO WITH THAT
ONE.
>> Steve: YEAH, I DON'T THINK
HE USED THAT ONE.
>> Jimmy: SOME MORE NEWS HERE.
TODAY IN RUSSIA --
[ LAUGHTER ]
KIM JONG-UN MET WITH
VLADIMIR PUTIN FOR THE VERY
FIRST TIME.
AND THE TWO GUYS EVEN RAISED
THEIR GLASSES TOGETHER FOR A
A TOAST AT DINNER.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
YEAH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THE TOAST LASTED FOR THREE
HOURS, BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF
THEM WANTED TO DRINK FROM THEIR
GLASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, YOU DRINK
FIRST."
"LET'S TRADE."
"SURE, LET'S TRADE, THEN I WANT
TO WATCH YOU DRINK.
YEAH.
OH, WHAT'S OVER THERE,
CALZONE?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
LISTEN TO THIS, GUYS.
I HEARD KANYE WEST IS THINKING
ABOUT STARTING A CHURCH.
YEAH.
IT'S THE FIRST CHURCH WHERE
PEOPLE GO TO WORSHIP
THEMSELVES.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S VERY INTERESTING.
DID YOU SEE THIS?
THERE'S A MYSTERIOUS COUNTDOWN
CLOCK ON TAYLOR SWIFT'S
INSTAGRAM.
AND IT ENDS AT MIDNIGHT
TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS ]
A LOT OF FANS THINK SHE'S
ANNOUNCING A NEW ALBUM.
WHILE THE REST ARE PRAYING
SHE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, SWIFTY."
WELL, THIS IS VERY COOL.
TODAY IT WAS ANNOUNCE THAT
RAMI MALEK WILL BE THE VILLAIN
IN THE NEXT JAMES BOND MOVIE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
HE PLAYS THE HEAD OF HR WHO
TELLS JAMES BOND ALL THE THINGS
HE CAN'T SAY OR DO TO WOMEN ANY
MORE IN 2019.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW, I WAS WALKING TO WORK
TODAY, AND I SAW THIS GUY ON
THE STREET WHO WAS JUST
YELLING.
>> Steve: WHAT?
>> Jimmy: JUST RANTING AND
RAVING.
AND SO I JUST THOUGHT I'D BRING
HIM ON THE SHOW AND GIVE HIM A
A CHANCE TO GET SOME STUFF OFF
HIS CHEST.
SO, COME ON OUT.
HERE'S THE ANGRY GUY I SAW ON
THE STREET, EVERYBODY.
WHERE IS HE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jay: THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE -- WE ARE BECOMING A NATION
OF EXCUSE MAKERS.
HERE'S A STORY.
THIS STORY IS AT LEAST
89 MONTHS OLD.
SURE YOU HEARD THIS STORY BY
NOW.
SCIENTISTS NOW BELIEVE THAT
OBESITY MAY BE CAUSED BY A
A VIRUS AND NOT BY OVER EATING.
OH, SHUT UP!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT?
HE CALLED IN FAT TO WORK NOW?
HELLO, BOSS, I GOT --
YEAH, I'M NOT COMING IN TODAY.
MY ASS IS AS BIG AS A HOUSE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M GOING TO TAKE SOME M&M'S,
SIT ON THE COUCH 'TILL THE
SWELLING GOES DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE NEW GUY IN SALES MUST HAVE
SNEEZED ON ME.
I GOT A TOUCH OF THAT OBESITY
THING THAT'S GOING AROUND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND LET'S BE HONEST, WE DON'T
EVEN EAT GOOD FOOD ANY MORE.
I WATCHED SOME GAME THE OTHER
DAY.
I SEEN, THEY HAVE FOR DOMINO'S,
THIS IS SOMETHING CALLED
DOMINO'S DOTS?
HAVE YOU SEEN THESE DOMINO'S
DOTS?
THEY'RE JUST ROLLED UP BALLS OF
DOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY DON'T EVEN TRY TO MAKE
THEM LOOK LIKE A COOKIE ANY
MORE.
'CAUSE WE DON'T CARE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW THEY HAVE BROWNIES.
YOU CAN GET A TRAY OF HOT
BROWNIES AT DOMINO'S.
WHO PUT THESE TWO TOGETHER?
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT IN YOUR
LIFE?
HAD TWO OR THREE SLICES OF
PIZZA AND THEN GO --
[ BURP ]
I COULD GO FOR A TRAY OF
BROWNIE.
A TRAY OF BROWNIE?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
OH, AND NOW THEY HAVE SOMETHING
CALLED THE DOUBLE MELT PIZZA.
IT'S A PIZZA WITH ANOTHER PIZZA
ON TOP OF IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS ]
HOW FAT ARE WE TRYING TO GET IN
THIS COUNTRY?
HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR
PIZZA?
OH, YEAH, JUST PUT MORE PIZZA
ON TOP OF THE PIZZA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, AND DAIRY QUEEN HAS
SOMETHING CALLED THE
CHEESEQUAKE BLIZZARD.
IT'S A POUND.
A POUND OF ICE CREAM WITH
CHUNKS OF CHEESECAKE IN IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE'VE NOW REACHED THE POINT IN
THIS COUNTRY WHERE CHEESECAKE
IS MERELY AN INGREDIENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, OH, GIVE ME THE CHEESECAKE
SHAKE.
YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
CHEESECAKE ON YOUR ICE CREAM.
OH, AND WHAT'S THIS NEW THING
THEY HAVE IN THE FROZEN FOOD
SECTION?
IT'S A BIG RED TUB OF
CHOCOLATE.
THERE'S LIKE TWO POUNDS OF
CHOCOLATE.
IT'S FROZEN SOLID.
IT'S ROCK HARD.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIS
TUB OF CHOCOLATE HOME.
YOU PEEL THE PLASTIC OFF.
YOU STICK THE WHOLE TUB IN THE
MICROWAVE.
YOU HEAT THE CHOCOLATE UP SO
YOU CAN DIP YOUR FOOD IN IT.
WAS THIS A PROBLEM FOR PEOPLE
BEFORE?
HEY, YOU KNOW, THESE RIBS ARE
GOOD.
THERE'S JUST NOT ENOUGH
CHOCOLATE ON IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, AND WE HAVE A CHAIN IN
CALIFORNIA CALLED CARL'S JR.
I THINK IT'S HARDEE'S IN OTHER
PARTS OF THE COUNTRY.
THEY HAVE SOMETHING CALLED THE
MONSTER THICK BURGER
PHILADELPHIA CHEESESTEAK
SANDWICH.
IT'S A HALF A POUND HAMBURGER
WITH A PHILADELPHIA CHEESESTEAK
SANDWICH IN THE SAME BUN!
[ LAUGHTER ]
ITS 1,280 CALORIES.
IT'S SERVED WITH A COKE, LARGE
FRIES AND A HEADSTONE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
IT COMES WITH A HEADSTONE.
THEY ACTUALLY BURY YOU IN THE
BOX YOU JUST ATE IT OUT OF.
WHEN DID THIS WHOLE DISTURBING
GLUTTONOUS TREND BEGIN?
THE BACON BURGER, THE PASTRAMI
BURGER, THE DOUBLE BACON
BURGER.
WHEN DID MEAT BECOME A
A CONDIMENT FOR OTHER MEAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
OH, OH.
AND NOW KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN
BRAGGING THEY'VE TAKEN ALL THE
TRANSFAT OUT OF THEIR CHICKEN.
YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM WITH
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN?
IT ISN'T THE TRANS FAT, OKAY?
IT'S THE BUCKET.
ANY TIME YOU'RE EATING A MEAL
BY THE BUCKET, YOUR ASS IS
GOING TO LOOK LIKE THE BUCKET,
OKAY?
OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY.
YOU KNOW WE --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'RE THE COUNTRY THAT INVENTED
EDIBLE UNDERWEAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S NO OTHER COUNTRY IN THE
WORLD WHERE PEOPLE EAT OTHER
PEOPLE'S UNDERPANTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN THE TALIBAN DID NOT EAT
OTHER PEOPLE'S UNDERPANTS.
I MEAN WHY DO WE HAVE THIS
PRODUCT?
ARE WE SO BORED WITH LOVE
MAKING?
HAVE WE BECOME THAT LAZY?
YOU KNOW HOW I'D LIKE TO HAVE
SEX.
I'M ALSO HUNGRY.
I DON'T WANT TO GET UP.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
HEY, LET'S JUST EAT EACH
OTHER'S UNDERPANTS.
THERE ARE CERTAIN TRUTHS THAT
ARE SELF EVIDENT.
EATING PEOPLE'S UNDERPANTS
SHOULD BE ONE OF THEM.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND WHAT WAS THE HOTTEST
SELLING ELECTRONIC ITEM THIS
PAST HOLIDAY SEASON?
FLAT SCREEN TV'S.
WE'RE GETTING FATTER.
OUR TV'S ARE GETTING SKINNIER.
AND YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE ARE
BUYING THESE?
'CAUSE THEY REALIZE, WE'RE TOO
FAT TO FIT IN A ROOM WITH A
A NORMAL SIZED SET ANYMORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO RATHER THAN LOSE WEIGHT,
LET'S GET A FLAT SCREEN TV SO
WE CAN DIP OUR RIBS IN
CHOCOLATE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN FACT, ONE OF THE HOTTEST
SELLING ITEMS AT THE CONSUMER
ELECTRONICS SHOW WAS SOMETHING
CALLED THE SMART REFRIGERATOR.
IT'S A REFRIGERATOR THAT
NOTIFIES YOU VIA YOUR iPHONE
WHEN YOU ARE LOW ON CERTAIN
ITEMS.
REALLY?
DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY NEED --
LIKE YOU'RE AT WORK.
BOSS, I HAVE TO STEP OUT OF THE
MEETING TO TAKE THIS CALL.
IT'S MY REFRIGERATOR.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, WE'RE LOW ON RING DINGS.
I'LL TRY TO GET BACK IN AN
HOUR, HOUR AND A HALF.
I'LL TRY TO GET BACK AS QUICKLY
AS POSSIBLE.
HEY, LOOK, DISNEYLAND.
DISNEYLAND AND DISNEY WORLD IN
FLORIDA.
FOR TWO MONTHS, I THINK IT WAS
FEBRUARY, MARCH, THEY CLOSE THE
SMALL WORLD EXHIBIT SO THEY CAN
MAKE THE SEATS BIGGER.
IT'S NOT A SMALL WORLD ANY
MORE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
HAVE YOU SEEN --
HAVE YOU SEEN THE FERRIS WHEEL
AT DISNEYLAND?
HUH?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE FERRIS WHEEL
AT DISNEYLAND?
IT DOESN'T GO AROUND.
NOW IT GOES, UH, UH, UH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT CAN'T MAKE THE HILL.
THERE WAS AN OP-ED IN "THE NEW
YORK TIMES" THAT SAID 38% OF
CHILDREN 7 YEARS OF AGE AND
YOUNGER ARE TOO FAT TO FIT IN
THEIR CAR SEATS.
[ AUDIENCE AWS ]
LET ME TELL YOU -- NO.
OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF YOUR KID IS TOO FAT TO FIT
IN THE CAR SEAT, YOU DON'T PUT
HIM IN THE CAR SEAT, OKAY?
YOU MAKE HIM RUN BEHIND THE
CAR.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M FED UP.
I'M OUT OF --
GET AWAY.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M FED UP!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WOW?
OH, MY GOSH.
>> Steve: ANGRY.
>> Jimmy: HE'S SO --
GIVE IT UP FOR THE ANGRY GUY I
SAW ON THE STREET, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IS IT JUST ME OR DID HE LOOK A
A LOT LIKE JAY LENO?
>> Questlove: HE DID, A LITTLE
BIT.
>> Jimmy: YOU GUYS, IT'S TIME
FOR "TONIGHT SHOW HASTAGS."
HERE WE GO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS FUNNY.
GUYS, WE DO THIS THING EVERY
WEEK WHERE I SEND OUT A
A HASGHTAG.
WE ASKED YOU GUYS TO RESPOND TO
THAT TOPIC.
SO SINCE COACHELLA JUST
HAPPENED, IT'S THE START OF
CONCERT SEASON, I SENT OUT A
A HASHTAG CALLED "CONCERT
FAIL."
I ASKED YOU GUYS TO SEND US
FUNNY OR WEIRD THINGS THAT
HAPPENED TO YOU AT CONCERTS.
IN UNDER 20 MINUTES, IT WAS THE
NUMBER TWO TRENDING TOPIC IN
THE U.S.
SO THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NUMBER TWO TRENDING.
SO NOW I THOUGHT I'D SHARE SOME
OF MY FAVORITE CONCERT FAIL
STORIES FROM YOU GUYS.
THIS FIRST ONE IS FROM
@TRAVISBOB.
HE SAYS, "I HAD BAD SEATS AT MY
FIRST CONCERT.
I SAW PEOPLE BODY SURFING TO
THE FRONT.
SO I FIGURED THAT'S MY BEST
CHANCE.
MY FRIENDS HOISTED ME UP AND
THE CROWD SURFED ME STRAIGHT TO
THE VERY BACK."
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, NO!
OTHER WAY, OTHER WAY!
NO, NO, PLEASE!
NO, NO.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS FROM @MRKEVINBF.
HE SAYS, I THOUGHT I WAS
HUGGING MY GIRLFRIEND FROM
BEHIND.
IT TURNS OUT IT WAS JUST SOME
RANDOM DUDE WITH LONG HAIR.
HE WAS COOL ABOUT IT, THOUGH."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Steve: AW.
THAT'S NICE.
I LOVE THIS SONG TOO.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE YOU, BROTHER.
YEAH.
THIS ONE'S FROM AT
@JOHNNYGHOWELL.
HE SAYS, "DURING AN AEROSMITH
CONCERT, MY FRIEND TED, WAS
FLIRTING WITH A DRUNK WOMAN WHO
WAS HAVING TROUBLE SEEING THE
STAGE.
SO TED OFFERED TO HAVE HER SIT
ON HIS SHOULDERS.
20 SECONDS LATER, SHE BARFED
ALL OVER HIM.
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S A CONCERT FAIL RIGHT
THERE, MAN.
THIS ONE'S FROM
@LOOPYWATERFALLS.
SHE SAYS, "I THREW MY BRA ON
STAGE.
THE LEAD SINGER THREW IT BACK
AND SAID, 'NO THANKS.'"
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> Steve: THAT'S NOT COOL.
>> Jimmy: THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS NEXT ONE COMES FROM OUR
VERY OWN QUESTLOVE.
THANK YOU FOR PLAYING, QUEST.
[ CHEERS ]
HE SAYS, "SO JANET JACKSON DOES
THIS LUCKY GUY GETS LAP DANCE
THING AT HER SHOW, BACK IN
2001, SLOWLY SHE POINTS TO
JAMES POYSER OR ME.
WE'RE ON THE JUMBO TRON LOOKING
CRAZY LIKE, WAIT, HIM?
ME?
NO, ME?
HIM?
NO?
SHE SHAKES HER HEAD, 'NO, HIM.'
GUY BEHIND US, OH, MY GOD."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
SO I GUESS NO LAP DANCE FOR YOU
THAT NIGHT.
>> Questlove: I WOULDN'T SAY
THAT.
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
>> Steve: AY OH!
OY!
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS LAST ONE IS FROM
@COLBYBARONED.
HE SAYS, "BOUGHT A
A DAVE MATTHEWS TICKET FROM A
A SCALPER SELLING TWO TICKETS.
HE COULDN'T SELL THE OTHER ONE,
SO HE ENDED UP SITTING NEXT TO
ME.
15 YEARS LATER WE STILL GO TO
DAVE'S CONCERTS TOGETHER."
>> Steve: OH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S AWESOME.
>> Steve: COME ON.
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THOSE ARE "TONIGHT SHOW
HASHTAGS."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TO CHECK OUT MORE OF OUR
FAVORITES, GO TO
TONIGHTSHOW.COM/HASHTAGS
I WANT TO THANK JAY LENO FOR
COMING ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
JAY LENO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU CAN CATCH JAY LENO NEXT
WEEK THURSDAY, MAY 2nd AT THE
PALACE THEATER IN STANFORD,
CONNECTICUT.
I LOVE THAT GUY SO MUCH.
I STILL CAN'T GET THIS SONG OUT
OF MY HEAD.
>> Steve: WHICH ONE?
>> Jimmy: IT'S JUST DRILLED IN
MY HEAD.
AND NOW THE VIDEO IS DRILLED IN
MY HEAD.
BABY RIGHT ROUND
LIKE A RECORD BABY
IT'S A GREAT SONG BY DEAD OR
ALIVE.
THEN SOMEONE TURNED ME ONTO THE
VIDEO.
AND NOW IT'S JUST HAUNTING MY
DREAMS AND MY SOUL.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
CAN WE GIVE A LITTLE TASTE OF
THE VIDEO, JAMES?
I GET TO KNOW YOUR NAME
WELL IF I
>> Jimmy: ANYWAYS, GUYS, WE
HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
FROM "AVENGERS: ENDGAME",
PAUL RUDD IS HERE TONIGHT.
>> Steve: COME ON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I LOVE HIM.
>> Steve: HE'S THE BEST.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT DUDE.
>> Steve: I LOVE THAT MAN.
>> FROM "DOOM PATROL" ON
DC UNIVERSE, DIANE GUERRERO IS
STOPPING BY.
>> Steve: OH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: AND WE HAVE STANDUP
FROM LEONARD OUZTS, EVERYBODY.
>> Steve: OH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: LEONARD OUZTS.
IT'S A GREAT SHOW, STICK
AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
PAUL RUDD, EVERYBODY.
COME ON BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST STARS
AS ANT-MAN IN THE HIGHLY
ANTICIPATED NEW MOVIE,
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME", WHICH IS
IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE
TOMORROW.
PLEASE WELCOME PAUL RUDD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
PAUL RUDD.
>> VERY NICE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Jimmy: PAUL RUDD, WELCOME
BACK.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE
SHOW.
>> IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
THANKS, JIMMY.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Jimmy: YOU'VE BEEN
EVERYWHERE DOING PRESS FOR
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME."
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU MUST BE
EXHAUSTED.
>> IT'S -- IT'S PRETTY TIRING.
YEAH, THE LAST FEW WEEKS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF
PLACES.
STARTED OFF GOING TO HONG KONG.
WAS IT HONG KONG, AND THEN I
FLEW TO NEW YORK AND THEN L.A.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> AND THEN L.A. TO LONDON.
AND THEN LONDON BACK TO
NEW YORK.
AND THEN SHANGHAI.
AND ALL WITHIN A FEW WEEKS.
I'VE RACKED UP A LOT OF
FREQUENT FLYER MILES.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU LIKE FLYING?
HOW IS THE FLIGHT TO HONG KONG?
>> IT'S LONG.
IT'S A LONG ONE.
I --
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A LONGIE?
>> BUT I DON'T MIND IT.
I'VE DONE IT TWICE.
I'VE BEEN TO HONG KONG TWICE.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> THE FIRST TIME I DID IT, I
FAINTED.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I ACTUALLY FAINTED.
I HAD TWO BOWLS OF SOUP, AND
THEN I WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
AND AS I WAS GETTING READY TO
GO TO THE BATHROOM, I STARTED
FEELING REALLY DIZZY.
AND I REMEMBER THERE WAS A
A HANDLE, AND I WENT TO THE
REACH FOR IT, I WAS LIKE,
"WHOA."
AND THEN I JUST BLACKED OUT.
AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW,
THERE WAS SOMEBODY WAS BANGING
ON THE DOOR AND MY RIGHT ARM
WAS COMPLETELY SUBMERGED IN THE
TOILET.
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND MY LEFT HAND WAS AROUND MY
PENIS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE
NORMALLY YOU HOLD YOUR PENIS
WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND.
>> THAT'S -- I KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOUR LEFT HAND'S
NORMALLY IN THE TOILET.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
I HAD TO SWITCH WITH THE
HANDLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S WHAT IT
WAS.
>> YEAH.
BUT THAT'S HOW I FOUND OUT THAT
I AM ALLERGIC TO MSG.
>> Jimmy: NO WAY!
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
SO YOU REALLY JUST FAINTED?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WELL, WOW, THAT'S
AMAZING.
I'M HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING THAT
YOU DIDN'T GET HURT.
>> IT'S AMAZING THAT I
SURVIVED.
>> Jimmy: NO, EXACTLY.
YEAH.
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME" COMES OUT
TOMORROW.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HEARD
OR KNEW THIS.
BUT, YEAH.
THAT BIG MOVIE IS COMING OUT
TOMORROW, AND --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH!
>> Jimmy: IT MUST BE HARD FOR
YOU TO PROMOTE A MOVIE THAT YOU
CAN'T REALLY TALK ABOUT.
>> YEAH, CANT'T TALK --
YEAH, IT'S REALLY TRICKY.
REPORTERS ASK US QUESTIONS.
THEY HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
WE CAN'T ANSWER ANYTHING.
IT'S -- WE DO SHOWS, YOU CAN'T
EVEN SHOW CLIPS, REALLY.
THEY'RE NOT EVEN RELEASING ANY
CLIPS.
>> Jimmy: WE CAN'T EVEN SHOW
ANY CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE.
>> THERE'S, LIKE, ONE --
THERE'S THAT THEY HAVE BEEN
SHOWING, BUT IT'S JUST --
I DIDN'T WANT TO RECYCLE THAT,
SO I -- I ACTUALLY BROUGHT A
A CLIP OF SOMETHING I DID NOT
THAT LONG AGO.
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
IT'S NOT "AVENGERS", IT WAS
JUST A RECENT THING.
BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN WATCHED IT,
BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE WE CAN
WATCH THAT.
>> Jimmy: WAIT, SO YOU BROUGHT
AN EXCLUSIVE CLIP HERE?
>> YEP.
>> Jimmy: FOR US TONIGHT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S SOMETHING I DID NOT
LONG AGO.
AGAIN, NOT "AVENGERS" RELATED.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
>> NO.
>> Jimmy: YOU HAVE NOT SEEN
THIS YET?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HAVEN'T SEEN THIS CLIP.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, WELL,
HERE'S PAUL RUDD IN AN
EXCLUSIVE CLIP.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> Jimmy: YOU'VE BEEN EVERY
WHERE DOING PRESS FOR
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME."
>> YEAH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU MUST BE
EXHAUSTED.
>> IT'S -- IT'S PRETTY TIRING.
YEAH, THE LAST FEW WEEKS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF
PLACES.
STARTED OFF GOING TO HONG KONG.
WAS IT HONG KONG --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THEN I FLEW TO NEW YORK AND
THEN L.A.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> AND THEN L.A. TO LONDON.
AND THEN LONDON BACK TO
NEW YORK.
AND THEN SHANGHAI.
AND ALL WITHIN A FEW WEEKS.
I'VE RACKED UP A LOT OF
FREQUENT FLYER MILES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST.
>> Jimmy: WOW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AMAZING.
>> I HAVE TO --
I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.
I REALIZE I DIDN'T DO A VERY
GOOD JOB SETTING UP THAT CLIP.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> BUT WHAT YOU GUYS SAW WAS --
IT WAS EARLIER ON IN THIS
INTERVIEW, I CAME OUT AND I SAT
DOWN IN THE CHAIR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WE HAD KIND OF, LIKE, SOME
PLEASANTRIES.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, OF COURSE.
SURE.
>> WHILE YOU WERE WELCOMING ME
BACK --
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> TO THE SHOW.
AND THEN YOU -- HE ASKED ME
ABOUT ALL OF THIS TRAVEL FOR
"THE AVENGERS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT
THESE -- THESE COUNTRIES THAT
I'VE BEEN TO.
AND --
>> Jimmy: AND NOW WE KNOW --
>> YEAH.
SO THAT'S WHAT -- THAT'S WHAT
THAT WAS --
>> Jimmy: THAT SET UP THE CLIP
ANYWAYS.
MORE WITH PAUL RUDD WHEN WE
COME BACK, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU FOR -- THANK YOU FOR
EXPLAINING CLIP, BECAUSE I WAS
CONFUSED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
WE ARE HERE WITH PAUL RUDD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME" IS IN
THEATERS TOMORROW.
IT IS GOING TO BE HUGE.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE
MOVIE.
I WANT TO HEAR --
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU CAN'T SAY
MUCH.
>> I CAN'T.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW, BUT YOU
COULD, MAYBE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I, HONESTLY -- I CAN'T.
YOU HAVE ONE MORE DAY TO WAIT
AND THEN YOU'LL KNOW.
>> Jimmy: BUT I --
YEAH BUT THERE'S THINGS YOU CAN
MAYBE EVEN JUST HINT AT THINGS.
YOU CAN MAYBE JUST LET US KNOW,
LIKE, ARE YOU DEAD?
ARE YOU ALIVE?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
ARE YOU DEAD OR ALIVE?
I MEAN --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SERIOUSLY --
>> HOW DARE YOU?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
HOW DARE YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE SPINNING ME
AROUND WITH ANTICIPATION, RIGHT
NOW.
>> I KNEW IT WAS COMING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALK --
>> SPINNING ME 'ROUND WITH
ANTICIPATION.
>> Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU --
>> YOU'VE BEEN ON ABOUT IT ALL
WEEK.
BEGINNING OF THE SHOW, TALKING
ABOUT OUR DUO THAT WE HAD IN
THE '80s.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, YOU SICK SON OF
A BITCH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT, JIMMY FALLON.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME
JIMMY FALLON!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DON'T YOU EVER MENTION
DEAD OR ALIVE TO ME!
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
NOW LOOK --
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> OW, THAT ACTUALLY --
YEAH.
YOU REMEMBER THE VIDEO.
>> Jimmy: NO, WE DIDN'T WRITE
THAT SONG.
WE DID --
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> Jimmy: IT WAS A GREAT VIDEO,
BUT IT WASN'T US IN THAT VIDEO.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF
DRUGS YOU WERE ON IN THE '80s,
BUT, MY GOD, I'VE GOT PROOF TO
SHOW.
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: CAN WE PLAY
DEAD OR ALIVE'S "YOU SPIN ME
AROUND" MUSIC VIDEO RIGHT NOW,
DAVE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I GET TO KNOW YOUR NAME
[ CHEERS ]
WELL IF I
ALL I KNOW IS THAT TO ME
YOU LOOK LIKE
I WANT SOME WANT SOME
I SET MY SIGHTS ON YOU
I GOT TO HAVE
MY WAY NOW BABY
YOU'RE HAVING FUN
OPEN UP YOUR LOVIN' ARMS
RIGHT ROUND
BABY RIGHT ROUND
YOU SPIN ME
RIGHT ROUND BABY
RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND
I GOT TO BE
WOULD LIKE TO MOVE IN
JUST A LITTLE BIT CLOSER
THAT TO ME YOU
LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
WATCH OUT HERE I COME
YOU SPIN ME
LIKE A RECORD BABY
RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND
RIGHT ROUND
LIKE A RECORD BABY
I WANT YOUR LOVE
ALL I KNOW IS THAT TO ME
OPEN UP YOUR LOVIN' ARMS
WATCH OUT HERE I COME
RIGHT ROUND
LIKE A RECORD BABY
RIGHT ROUND BABY
RIGHT ROUND
YOU SPIN ME
RIGHT ROUND BABY
RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND
I WANT YOUR LOVE
RIGHT ROUND
LIKE A RECORD BABY
RIGHT ROUND BABY
RIGHT ROUND
I NEED YOUR LOVE
YOU SPIN ME
LIKE A RECORD BABY
RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND
RIGHT ROUND BABY
RIGHT ROUND
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT IS --
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> THAT IS JUST HIGHLY
UNSETTLING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
THAT WAS UN -- UNBELIEVABLE.
AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
BEING IN THAT GROUP WITH ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW, WE DID --
I KNOW WHEN WE INTRODUCED THAT
CLIP, THERE WAS A LOT OF BAD
BLOOD FROM MEMORIES.
WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES.
>> Jimmy: WE HAD SOME GREAT
TIMES.
WE'RE ACTUALLY FRIENDS.
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THE INTRO WAS A
A LITTLE HOT, YEAH.
>> YEAH.
THAT A --
THAT WAS A LITTLE HOT.
>> Jimmy: BUT DUDE, I WILL SAY
THOUGH.
MAN, YOU WERE HERE ALL DAY
YESTERDAY DOING THAT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
DUDE, IT WAS DISTURBING.
>> IT TOOK A WHILE.
IT TOOK LONG --
IT WAS VERY DISTURBING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT TOOK A WHILE TO --
I DIDN'T REALIZE, HE'S HARD TO
SING.
PETE BURNS, TO GET IT -- TO GET
HIS --
>> Jimmy: OH, PEOPLE DON'T
REALIZE THAT IT IS US SINGING
ON THAT SONG.
>> YEAH, WE'VE DONE --
WE'VE DONE THREE VIDEOS NOW?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WE DID STYX.
>> STYX.
GO WEST.
>> Jimmy: GO WEST, "KING OF
WISHFUL THINKING."
>> AND THOSE VIDEOS ARE FAIRLY
STRAIGHTFORWARD VOCALLY.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN --
BUT HE'S GOT SUCH A STRANGE
VIBRATO --
I THINK IT TOOK A COUPLE OF
HOURS OF LIKE --
>> Jimmy: WITH THE BABY?
THAT ONE?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> HE'D DO LIKE --
AHH, AHH.
>> OH, GOD.
THE CREW.
ALL DAY, EVERYONE WAS WALKING
AROUND --
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
EVERYONE WAS --
COULDN'T GET IT OUT OF OUR
HEADS.
>> Jimmy: WHAT ALSO WAS GREAT
IS THAT, YOU WERE DRESSED LIKE
THAT.
I HAD THE LONG RED HAIR AND I'M
DOING MY REHEARSAL FOR THE SHOW
THAT WE WERE DOING YESTERDAY.
AND WU-TANG CLAN IS IN THE
HALLWAY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> AND I WAS SO -- I WAS SO
EXCITED.
I WANTED TO MEET WU-TANG CLAN
SO BADLY, BUT I WOULDN'T LEAVE
THE ROOM.
I THOUGHT, I'M NOT --
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T WANT TO MEET
WU-TANG CLAN LIKE THIS.
I FACED-TIMED MY KIDS WHEN WE
WERE FILMING THAT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I TRAUMATIZED THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY SON IMMEDIATELY SAID, HE
GOES "OH, MY GOD, YOU LOOK LIKE
A REAL HOUSEWIFE OF ATLANTA."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THEN HE SAID "NO -- ORANGE
COUNTY."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HE CORRECTED HIMSELF,
YEAH.
THANK YOU FOR WORKING SO HARD
ON THAT.
AND SOMEONE IS GOING TO SPLIT
SCREEN THAT ONLINE.
AND SEE IT IS SHOT-FOR-SHOT
THIS SAME VIDEO.
I JUST LOVE IT.
THANKS TO OUR DIRECTOR AND OUR
EDITOR.
>> THOSE GUYS WERE AMAZING AND
THE CREW WAS AWESOME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: AND THE CREW.
EVERYTHING.
WARDROBE.
PAUL RUDD, WE LOVE YOU, BUDDY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU.
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME" IS IN
THEATERS TOMORROW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
DIANA GUERRERO, EVERYBODY.
COME ON BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
WATCHING.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
GUYS, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
TOMORROW NIGHT.
THE ONE AND ONLY STING IS OUR
GUEST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
STING, THE ONE AND ONLY.
WE'LL BE TALKING TO HIM.
HE'S GOING TO PERFORM A SONG
OFF OF HIS NEW ALBUM.
THEN HE AND I ARE GOING TO SING
A SONG TOGETHER ON THE MOON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
REALLY?
AW, REALLY?
YOU WANT TO SEE IT SO BAD?
YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE GOT TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW!
ALSO, WE HAVE KJ APA FROM
"RIVERDALE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S A BRAND NEW SHOW TOMORROW
NIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH DIANE GUERRERO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW OUR NEXT
GUEST FROM HER WORK IN "ORANGE
IS THE NEW BLACK" AND "JANE THE
VIRGIN."
NOW SHE'S STARRING IN THE NEW
SERIES, "DOOM PATROL", WHICH IS
STREAMING RIGHT NOW ON
D.C. UNIVERSE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME DIANE GUERRERO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE.
>> YEAH, THANK YOU FOR HAVING
ME.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE.
IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> Jimmy: I WAS DOING A LITTLE
RESEARCH ABOUT YOU.
AND I ACTUALLY WAS READING A
A COPY OF YOUR BOOK.
>> I WROTE ABOUT YOU.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WAS ABOUT TO SAY
YOU --
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN THE BOOK, "IN THE COUNTRY WE
LOVE", ON PAGE -- IS IT 190.
YOU TELL THE STORY WHERE --
IT'S A GREAT STORY, BUT YOU
ALMOST GET MURDERED, BASICALLY.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: BUT THANK GOD YOU
DIDN'T.
BUT IT WAS A FUNNY STORY.
AND THEN YOU SAID, "I CONSOLED
MYSELF WITH THE FANTASY OF ONE
DAY TELLING THIS STORY ON
'THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH
JIMMY FALLON'.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I COULD HAVE TOTALLY BEEN
MURDERED.
NEVER SEEN FROM AGAIN.
HA-HA.
THEN WE'D PLAY 'WHEEL OF
MUSICAL IMPRESSIONS.'
OH, WHAT A HOOT IT WOULD BE."
>> YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> YOU GOT TO SPEAK IT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL --
>> OUT INTO EXISTENCE.
>> Jimmy: WE JUST SO HAPPEN TO
HAVE MICROPHONES HERE ALWAYS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DIANE GURRERO.
>> MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
REALLY.
>> Jimmy: ME, TOO.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
"WHEEL OF MUSICAL IMPRESSIONS."
CAN YOU DO A MUSICAL
IMPRESSION?
>> YEAH, I CAN DO SOME.
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: COULD YOU GIVE ME A
A TASTE?
WHO WOULD YOU DO?
>> BEE GEES.
[ SCATTERED CHEERS ]
>> Jimmy: WE MIGHT KNOW
BEE GEES.
WHICH ONE?
>> UM, "LOVE YOU INSIDE OUT."
>> OH, OKAY.
YOUR KISSES TASTE LIKE HONEY
SWEET LIES DON'T
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I CAN DIE.
I CAN DIE.
>> Jimmy: I'LL SING BEE GEES
WITH ANYONE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING
THAT WITH ME.
>> I LOVE THE BEE GEES.
>> Jimmy: ME, TOO.
>> YOU HAVE YOU NO IDEA.
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: ME, TOO.
I LOVE IT.
I'M A FAN OF YOU AND YOUR WORK.
I WANT TO TELL THE STORY.
I WANT YOU TO TELL THE STORY
ABOUT WHEN YOU FIRST GOT CAST
FOR "ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK."
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE AT YOUR
FRIEND'S.
YOU WERE HELPING A FRIEND OUT.
>> NO, NO.
>> Jimmy: THEY WERE HELPING YOU
OUT?
>> A LITTLE BIT --
A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH.
YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY?
>> SOME MONEY INVOLVED.
>> Jimmy: SURE.
>> YOU KNOW.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE DOING, LIKE,
A JOB?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: A GIG.
>> YEAH, I WAS DOING A GIG.
SHE IS A MAKEUP ARTIST, AND SHE
WANTED --
SHE WAS PRACTICING PROSTHETICS
AT HER SCHOOL, MAKEUP FOREVER.
AND SHE WANTED -- SHE HAD THIS
VISION OF MAKING ME A PHOENIX.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> SO SHE WAS BUILDING A BEAK.
AND SO I HAD THIS BEAK ON
AND --
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE GOING TO BE
THE BIRD, THE PHOENIX.
>> I WAS GOING TO BE THE
PHOENIX, BUT THAT'S ALL I WAS
AT THE TIME.
I WANTED MORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WANTED A JOB.
YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO BE ON
TELEVISION.
I'M AN ACTOR, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
WHAT I WANTED TO DO.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> AND SO MY MANAGER CALLS ME,
I HAVE THIS BEAK ON.
I CAN'T -- I BARELY CAN
BREATHE.
I'M LIKE CRYING, BECAUSE I'M
LIKE, "THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO
DO.
THIS IS WHAT IT'S COME TO?"
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND MY MANAGER CALLS ME AND HE
GIVES ME THE NEWS THAT I HAVE A
A RECURRING GIG.
AND THAT WAS, LIKE, THE MOST
EXCITING THING IN MY LIFE.
>> Jimmy: BUT HERE'S THE PART I
LIKE ABOUT THIS STORY --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HERE'S THE PART I LIKE ABOUT
THIS STORY, IS THAT EVEN THOUGH
YOU GOT THE TV GIG, YOU STILL
DID YOUR FRIEND'S MAKEUP THING.
AND YOU'RE "AH, I'LL STILL DO
THE PHOENIX."
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH, NO.
I HAD TO -- I HAD TO FINISH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: NO, IT'S GOOD THAT
YOU DID THAT.
I HAVE A PHOTO OF YOU WITH THE
BEAK.
>> YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHEN YOU FOUND
OUT.
I MEAN, THAT IS FANTASTIC.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> I FOUND OUT.
THAT'S ME LIKE, "I GOTTA CALL!"
>> Jimmy: LET'S TALK ABOUT
"DOOM PATROL."
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: IT'S VERY EXCITING,
YOUR CHARACTER IS FANTASTIC.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU PLAYED
64 DIFFERENT CHARACTERS OR
NO --
YOU COULD PLAY.
>> YES.
SHE -- WELL, SHE HAS SPLIT
PERSONALITY DISORDER.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> AND SHE HAS 64 DIFFERENT
PERSONALITIES.
AND EACH PERSONALITY HAS A
A DIFFERENT SUPERPOWER.
AND, I MEAN, WE JUST DID THE
FIRST SEASON, SO I'VE EXPLORED
ABOUT 15.
>> Jimmy: IS THAT HARD TO DO?
I MEAN, THAT MUST BE SO TRICKY.
>> I MEAN, IT'S CHALLENGING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> BUT IT'S THE KIND OF
CHALLENGE THAT --
LOOK AT ME, I'M SO EXCITED
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO -- OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, I AM.
>> IT'S WHAT I WANTED!
>> Jimmy: I'M LOOKING AT YOU.
I'M LOVING YOU.
YES, THIS IS GREAT, BUT, I
MEAN --
>> SO I WAS --
I WAS REALLY --
I WAS UP FOR THE CHALLENGE.
I WAS READY FOR IT.
I ALSO, YOU KNOW, HAVE
EXPERIENCE IN SORT OF, YOU
KNOW, UP AND DOWN EMOTIONS AND
THINGS LIKE THAT.
SO I WAS READY, YOU KNOW, TO
LET THE WORLD SEE IT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
HERE'S DIANE GUERRERO IN
"DOOM PATROL."
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
GOING UP TO THE SURFACE?
>> ME?
NO, I'M HAPPY WITH MY JOB.
BUT YOU'RE LUCKY.
CAN'T SAY THERE HAVEN'T BEEN A
A FEW TIMES WHERE I STARED OUT
AT THE END OF THE LINE.
AND STARED AT THAT LIGHT AND
THOUGHT, "WHAT IF?"
BUT YOU KNOW, IT PASSES.
EVERYBODY WANTS ME THERE.
IT'S YOUR JOB.
WE ALL HAVE A PURPOSE.
LIKE IT'S EASY BEING UP THERE,
LIKE IT'S A CAKE WALK.
>> Jimmy: DIANE GUERRERO,
EVERYBODY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"DOOM PATROL" IS STREAMING NOW
ON D.C. UNIVERSE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
STAND-UP FROM LEONARD OUZTS.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST STARS
IN NBC'S "ABBY'S" AIRING
THURSDAYS AT 9:30 P.M.
MAKING HIS TONIGHT SHOW DEBUT,
PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY
LEONARD OUZTS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
NEW YORK.
ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.
CALM DOWN.
I GOT TO CATCH THE 2 TRAIN IN A
A MINUTE.
I'M 26.
YEAH, I'M AN ADULT NOW.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I WAS TRICKED.
MY MOM TOLD ME, "WHEN YOU GET
GROWN, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT TO DO."
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHEN YOU'RE GROWN, YOU CAN DO
WHATEVER YOU CAN AFFORD TO DO.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PAYING BILLS.
I MISS FREE FUN.
I MISS PLAYING TAG, BECAUSE I
WAS NEVER IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL MY FRIENDS KNEW IF I WAS
IT, THAT WAS IT.
THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
I'M NOT CHASING YOU AROUND NO
NEIGHBORHOOD.
THE LIVING ROOM, MAYBE.
NOT THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I'M NOT CHASING YOU AROUND THE
NEIGHBORHOOD.
I HATED FREEZE TAG.
IT'S GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST GAME
EVER.
THEY ONLY PLAY IT ON THE
HOTTEST DAY.
TAG, YOU CAN'T MOVE.
LIKE, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU COULDN'T HAVE FROZE ME IN
THE SHADE OVER THERE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IMMA THAW OUT OVER HERE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HUNG OUT WITH EVERYBODY.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR RACE.
I DON'T CARE, YOU KNOW.
WHITE, BLACK, I DON'T CARE.
MY FAVORITE FRIEND WAS WHITE,
NAMED TANNER.
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TANNER HAD THE BEST POST PLAY
SNACKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ONE TIME WE WAS PLAYING AT HIS
HOUSE, HE PULLED OUT SOME
LUNCHABLES.
AND IT MESSED ME UP BECAUSE I
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD EAT
LUNCHABLES AT HOME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO BE IN
SCHOOL TO EAT LUNCHABLES.
I WAS SO EXCITED.
I ATE TWO SEMESTERS WORTH OF
LUNCHABLES AT HIS HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
IT WAS NEW EXPERIENCE.
THAT'S WHAT LIFE'S ABOUT.
NEW EXPERIENCES.
THAT'S WHERE, I THINK, RACISM
COMES FROM.
LACK OF EXPERIENCES OR DOING
STUFF WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
DO YOUR FAVORITE THING WITH
OTHER RACES.
I WAS BLESSED TO DO THAT AS A
A KID GROWING UP.
LIKE, MY FAVORITE THING TO DO
GROWING UP WAS SLEEPOVERS.
REMEMBER SLEEPOVERS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, GO OVER SOMEBODY ELSE'S
HOUSE, MESS THEIR STUFF UP THEN
GO HOME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I
SLEPT OVER TANNER'S HOUSE.
IT WAS AMAZING.
I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT --
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN MAKE SO
MUCH NOISE AT WHITE PEOPLE'S
HOUSE AND THEIR PARENTS DON'T
GET MAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
ALL YOU HEAR IS TANNER'S DAD
GO, "TANNER, WHAT IN
TARNATION?"
I WAS LIKE, HOLD ON.
WHAT'S TARNATION?
[ LAUGHTER ]
TANNER WAS LIKE, "I'M SORRY,
FATHER.
WE'RE JUST PLAYING A GAME OF
TAG."
HIS DAD GOT MAD.
HE WAS LIKE, "WITHOUT ME?"
[ APPLAUSE ]
HE SAID, "OKAY, I GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU BUSTERS CAUSE I'M IT.
ONE, TWO."
AND I JUST FROZE.
YEAH, I NEVER HEARD NO BLACK
PARENT COUNT UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
BUT THEY WILL COUNT DOWN ON YOU
FAST.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND MY MOMMA WAS SO GANGSTER,
SHE WOULD COUNT AND NAME A
A CHORE THAT BETTER MAGICALLY
BE DONE IN BETWEEN EACH NUMBER.
SHE'D JUST START OUT
THREATENING EVERYBODY LIKE,
"Y'ALL GOT FIVE SECONDS TO BE
IN THAT BED.
AND I'M TALKING ABOUT IN THE
BED, NOT ON YOUR WAY TO THE
BED, NOT BY THE BED.
I'M TALKING ABOUT I WAS KNEES
IN SHEETS.
FIVE.
AND YOUR CLOTHES BETTER BE
IRONED FOR SCHOOL IN THE
MORNING TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOUR.
AND YOUR TEETH BETTER BE
BRUSHED.
THREE.
AND THERE BETTER BE SOME GAS IN
MY CAR.
CAUSE IF THERE AIN'T NO GAS IN
MY CAR --
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
LIKE I'M IN KINDERGARTEN.
THAT AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO
WITH ME.
[ APPLAUSE ]
LEARN, PEOPLE, MAN.
YOU GOT TO LEARN ABOUT BEING
WITH THEM.
LIKE I KNOW, AS A YOU BLACK
KID, I GREW UP THINKING, WHITE
KIDS DIDN'T GET WHOOPINGS.
AND THAT'S NOT TRUE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT WHITE KIDS DON'T GET
PHYSICAL WHOOPINGS, BUT IT BE
MENTAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHITE PARENTS SAY STUFF TO
THEIR KIDS THAT THEY NEED
COUNSELING BEFORE THEY HIT 33.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT IF
YOU'RE NOT THERE.
I'M AT TANNER'S HOUSE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DID AT
SCHOOL, BUT HIS DADDY WOULD
SNAP.
HE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS SOME REAL MALARKEY,
PAL."
OH.
HE SAID, "JESUS H. CHRIST."
I SAY, HOLD ON, JESUS GOT A
A MIDDLE NAME?
I DIDN'T --
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS OVER.
HE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT,
TANNER?
I'M SO -- I'M SO MAD AT YOU.
YOUR GRANDFATHER'S PROBABLY
TURNING OVER IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT
NOW."
I SAID, DAMN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT CAN YOU ACTUALLY DO FOR
SOMEBODY TO TURN OVER IN THEIR
GRAVE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
OH, HE JUST FAILED SPANISH
AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
COMO SE DICE?
IT MADE ME THINK, BECAUSE MY
GRANDADDY GOT A MESSED UP HIP.
SO SOMEBODY GOT TO GO DOWN
THERE AND HELP HIM TURN OVER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M LEONARD OUZTS.
THANK Y'ALL SO MUCH.
I APPRECIATE YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU.
LEONARD OUZTS!
SEE HIM THURSDAY NIGHTS
STARRING IN "ABBY'S" ON NBC.
VERY FUNNY SHOW.
MY THANKS TO PAUL RUDD,
DIANE GUERRERO.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
JAY LENO.
LEONARD OUZTS, ONCE AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE, FROM
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA.
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS."
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.
I HOPE TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.
BYE-BYE EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]