- Have a good time, girls? - The most wonderful thing happened.
- What? - Guess.
- They repealed Prohibition? - Oh, you can do better than that.
- l met one of them. - One of whom?
Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, glasses and a yacht.
You don't say.
He's not only got a yacht. He's got a bicycle.
Daphne.
Go on. Tell me all about him.
Well, he's young and he's handsome. He's a bachelor.
He's a real gentleman. You know. Not one of these grabbers.
Maybe you'd better go after him if you don't want to lose him.
I'm not gonna let this one get away. He's so cute. He collects shells.
Shells? Whatever for?
Oh, you know. The old shell game?
Daphne, you're bothering us.
- Anyway, you're gonna meet him tonight. - l am?
He said he'd come to hear us play - maybe.
What do you mean, maybe? l saw the way he looked at you. He'll be there for sure.
l hope so.
What do you think, Josephine? What does your crystal ball say?
Sugar. ls Sugar in here?
Sugar, you got the key? I'm locked out and I'm makin' a puddle in the hall.
See you on the bandstand, girls.
What are you tryin' to do to that girl, puttin' on a millionaire act?
And that phoney accent? Nobody talks like that.
I've seen you pull some low tricks on women.
This is without doubt the trickiest, lowest, meanest...
I'm not afraid of you.
I'm thin, but I'm wiry.
You're gonna get hurt. When I'm aroused, I'm a tiger.
Joe. Don't look at me like that. lt was all a joke. l didn't mean any harm.
I'm gonna press the suit myself. Telephone.
Answer the tele...phone.
Hello?
Yes, this is 41 3.
Ship to shore? All right, I'll take it.
Daphne? It's that naughty boy again.
You know - Osgood? ln the elevator?
You slapped my face?
- Who is this? - This is her roommate.
Daphne can't talk right now. ls it urgent?
Well, it is to me. Will you give her a message?
Tell her I'd like her to have supper with me on my yacht after the show tonight.
Got it. Supper, yacht, after the show. I'll tell her.
- Your yacht? - The New Caledonia. That's its name.
The Old Caledonia went down during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.
But tell her not to worry. This'll be a quiet little midnight snack, just the two of us.
Just the two of you? What about the crew?
That's all been taken care of. I'm giving them shore leave.
We'll have cold pheasant with champagne.
I've checked with the coastguard. There's gonna be a full moon tonight.
And tell her I've got a new batch of Rudy Vallee records.
That's good thinking. Daphne's a pushover for him.
Pushover for who? What...
Yes, Mr Fielding.
You'll pick her up after the show in your motorboat. Goodbye.
What's that you said?
- ''Zowie.'' I'll give her the message. - What message? What motorboat?
You got it made. Fielding wants to have cold pheasant with you on his yacht.
Just the three of you on that great big boat. You, him and Rudy Vallee.
Fat chance. Call him back and say I'm not goin'.
Of course you're not.
I'm going.
You're gonna be on the boat with that dirty old man?
I'm gonna be on the boat with Sugar.
- Where's he gonna be? - He's gonna be ashore with you.
- With me? - That's right.
Oh, no. Not tonight, Josephine.
Daphne, your boyfriend's waving at you.
You can both go take a flyin' jump.
Remember, he's your date for tonight, so smile.
Oh, you can do better than that. Give him the teeth, the whole personality.
Why do l let you talk me into these things? Why?
Because we're pals. The two musketeers.
Don't give me the musketeers. How am l gonna keep him ashore?
Tell him you get seasick. Play miniature golf with him.
Oh, no. I'm not gonna get caught in a miniature sand trap with that guy.
Hi. Which of you dolls is Daphne?
Bull fiddle.
From satchel mouth at table seven.
- This is from me to you, doll. - Beat it, buster.
Never mind leaving your door open. l got a passkey.
- What are you doin' with my flowers? - Borrowing 'em. You'll get 'em back.
l guess he's not gonna show up. It's five minutes to one.
- Do you suppose he forgot? - You know how those millionaires are.
These came for you.
For me?
It's Shell Oil.
- No! - Yes!
He wants to have supper with me on his yacht.
He's picking me up at the pier.
- No! - Yes.
You heard her - yes.
Josephine, just imagine. Me, Sugar Kowalczyk from Sandusky, Ohio,
on a millionaire's yacht.
lf my mother could only see me now.
l hope my mother never finds out.
That's it for tonight. This is Sweet Sue saying good night,
reminding all you daddies out there that every girl in my band is a virtuoso.
And l intend to keep it that way.
- Good luck. - Thanks.
But it's such a waste. A full moon, an empty yacht.
- I'll throw up. - Then let's go dancing.
There's a roadhouse down the coast...
Well, I'll be.... He does have a bicycle.
Who?
About the roadhouse?
They have a Cuban band that's the berries.
Let's go there, blindfold the orchestra and tango till dawn.
- You know something, Mr Fielding? - What?
You're dynamite.
You're a pretty hot little firecracker yourself.
Ahoy, there.
Ahoy.
- Been waiting long? - It's not how long you wait.
- It's who you're waiting for. - Thank you. And for the flowers.
l wanted them to fly orchids from our greenhouse, but Long lsland is fogged in.
It's the thought that counts.
l seem to be out of gas.
It's sort of funny, you being out of gas. l mean, Shell Oil and everyzhing.
Oops. There.
lt seems to be stuck in reverse.
l just got this motorboat. It's an an experimental model.
lt seems like they're on the wrong track.
Do you mind riding backwards? lt may take a little longer.
It's not how long it takes. It's who's taking you.
lt looked so small from the beach.
But when you're on it, it's like a cruiser or a destroyer.
It's just regulation-size. We have three. Mother keeps hers in Southampton.
Daddy's is in Venezuela. The company is laying a new pipeline.
My dad's more interested in railroads. Baltimore and Ohio.
Which is the port and which is the starboard?
That depends on whether you're coming or going.
l mean, normally the aft is on the other side of the stern.
And that's the bridge. So that you can get from one side of the boat to the other.
- Would you like a glass of champagne? - Love it. Which way?
- You have an upstairs and a downstairs. - Yes, the hurricane cellar.
And another nice thing about this yacht - lots of closet space.
Now, let me see. Where do you suppose the steward set it up?
ln here.
Of course. How silly of me.
On Thursdays they always serve me in the small salon.
It's exquisite. Like a floating mansion.
It's all right for a bachelor.
- What a beautiful fish. - l caught him off Cape Hatteras.
What is it?
It's a member of the herring family.
A herring?
Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?
They shrink when they're marinated.
- Champagne? - l don't mind if l do.
Well, down the hatch, as we say at sea.
Bon voyage.
- Look at all that silverware. - Trophies.
You know. Skeet shooting, dog breeding, water polo.
Isn't water polo terribly dangerous?
I'll say. l had two ponies drowned under me.
Where's your shell collection?
Yes, of course. Where could they have put it?
You see, on Thursdays I'm sort of lost around here.
- What's on Thursdays? - It's the crew's night off.
- You mean we're alone on the boat? - Completely.
I've never been completely alone with a man in the middle of the night,
- in the middle of the ocean. - Oh, it's perfectly safe.
We're anchored. The ship's in shipshape shape.
The coastguard will call if any icebergs appear.
It's not the icebergs.
But certain men would try to take advantage of a situation like this.
- You're flattering me. - Of course, I'm sure you're a gentleman.
It's not that. It's just that I'm harmless.
- Harmless? How? - l don't know how to put it,
but I've got this thing about girls.
- What thing? - They just sort of leave me cold.
You mean, like, frigid?
Well, it's more like a mental block.
When I'm with a girl, it does absolutely nothing to me.
- Have you tried? - Have l. I'm trying all the time.
See? Nothing.
- Nothing at all? - Complete washout.
- That makes me feel just awful. - My dear, it's not your fault.
Now and then Mother Nature throws somebody a dirty curve.
Something goes wrong inside.
- You mean you can't fall in love? - Not any more.
l was in love once, but I'd rather not talk about it.
- Would you like a little cold pheasant? - What happened?
- l don't want to bore you. - You couldn't possibly.
Well...
lt was my freshman year at Princeton.
There was this girl. Her name was Nellie.
Her father was the vice president of Hupmobile.
She wore glasses, too.
That summer we were at the Grand Canyon.
We were on the highest ledge watching the sunset,
when suddenly we got this impulse to kiss.
l took off my glasses. She took off her glasses.
l took a step toward her.
She took a step toward me.
Yes. Eight hours later they brought her up by mule.
l gave her three transfusions. We had the same type blood - type O.
But it was too late.
Talk about sad.
Ever since then,
numb, no feelings, like my heart was shot full of Novocain.
You poor, poor boy.
Yes. All the money in the world, and what good is it?
Mint sauce or cranberries?
How can you think about food at a time like this?
What else is there for me?
- ls it that hopeless? - My family did everyzhing they could.
Hired the most beautiful French upstairs maids.
Got a special tutor to read me books that were banned in Boston.
lmported a troupe of Balinese dancers
with those bells on their ankles and long fingernails.
What a waste of money.
Have you ever tried American girls?
Why?
Was that anyzhing?
Thanks just the same.
You should see a doctor - a good doctor.
l have. l spent six months in Vienna with Professor Freud, flat on my back.
Then there were the Mayo brothers, injections, hypnosis, mineral baths.
lf l wasn't such a coward, I'd kill myself.
Don't say that.
There must be some girl someplace that could...
lf l ever found a girl that could, I'd marry her just like that.
- Would you do me a favour? - Certainly. What is it?
l may not be Dr Freud or a Mayo brother or one of those French upstairs girls,
but could l take another crack at it?
All right, if you insist.
- Anyzhing this time? - I'm afraid not.
- Terribly sorry. - Would you like some more champagne?
Maybe if we had some music. How do you dim these lights?
Look, it's terribly sweet of you to want to help out, but it's no use.
l think the light switch is over there.
That's the radio.
It's like taking someone to a concert when he's tone-deaf.
You're not giving yourself a chance.
Don't fight it.
Relax.
It's like smoking without inhaling.
So inhale.
Daphne,
- you're leading again. - Sorry.
Well?
I'm not quite sure.
Would you try it again?
l got a funny sensation in my toes.
Like someone was barbecuing them over a slow flame.
Let's throw another log on the fire.
l think you're on the right track.
l must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up.
l never knew it could be like this.
Thank you.
They told me l was kaput, finished, all washed up.
And here you are, making a chump out of all those experts.
Mineral baths. Now, really.
Where did you learn to kiss like that?
l used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund.
Tomorrow, remind me to send a cheque for $100,000 to the Milk Fund.
Whoops.
- Good night. - Good morning.
How much do l owe the Milk Fund so far?
$850,000.
Let's make it an even million.
l forgot to give you a receipt.
Hi, Jerry. Everyzhing under control?
Have l got things to tell you.
- What happened? - I'm engaged.
Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
l am.
What?
Osgood proposed to me. We're planning a June wedding.
What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.
- Do you think he's too old for me? - Jerry, you can't be serious.
Why not? He keeps marryin' girls all the time.
But... you're not a girl. You're a guy.
And why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
Security.
- Jerry, lie down. You're not well. - Stop treatin' me like a child.
- I'm not stupid. l know there's a problem. - I'll say there is.
His mother. We need her approval. But I'm not worried because l don't smoke.
- Jerry, there's another problem. - Like what?
- Like your honeymoon. - We've been discussing that.
He wants to go to the Riviera, but l kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.
Jerry, you're outta your mind. You can't get away with this.
l don't expect it to last. I'll tell him the truth when the time comes.
- Like when? - Like right after the ceremony.
Then we get a quick annulment, he makes a nice settlement on me
and l keep gettin' those alimony cheques every month.
Jerry, listen to me.
There are laws, conventions. It's just not been done.
Joe, this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire.
Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will you?
Just keep telling yourself you're a boy.
- I'm a boy. - That's the boy.
I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a...
l wish l were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am l a boy.
What about my engagement present?
- What engagement present? - Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Hey, these are real diamonds.
Of course they're real. You think my fianc� is a bum?
- l guess I'll have to give it back to him. - Wait a minute, Jerry. Let's not be hasty.
After all, we don't wanna hurt Osgood's feelings.
- Just a minute. - It's me. Sugar.
Come in.
l thought l heard voices. l had to talk to somebody. l don't feel like going to sleep.
- What you need is a slug of bourbon. - Oh, no. I'm off that stuff for good.
- Did you have a nice time? - Nice?
lt was suicidally beautiful.
Did he get fresh?
Of course not. As a matter of fact, it was just the other way around.
- You see, he needs help. - What for?
Talk about elegant. You should see the yacht.
Candlelight, mint sauce and cranberries.
Gee, l wish I'd been there.
I'm going to see him again tonight - and every night.
l think he's going to propose.
- As soon as he gets up his nerve. - That's some nerve.
Daphne got a proposal tonight.
- Really? - From a rich millionaire.
That's wonderful.
- Poor Josephine. - Me?
Well, Daphne has a beau, l have a beau...
lf we could only find somebody for you.
Here l am, doll.
''Friends of ltalian Opera'' - that's us.
Register over there.
Spats Colombo. Delegate from Chicago. South Side Chapter.
Thanks.
Hiya, Spats.
- We was layin' 8-1 you wouldn't show. - Why wouldn't l?
We thought you was all broken up about Toothpick Charlie.
- We all gotta go sometime. - Yeah. You never know who's next.
OK, Spats. Report to the sergeant at arms.
- What for? - Orders from Little Bonaparte.
- All right, Spats, get your hands up. - What's the idea?
Little Bonaparte don't want no hardware around.
All right, you're clean.
You're not.
lt ain't loaded.
Next. What's in here?
My golf clubs. Putter, niblick, No.3 iron.
- What's this? - My mashie.
See you at the banquet, Spats.
Where did you pick up that cheap trick?
Come on, boys.
Well. Spats Colombo, if l ever saw one.
Hello, copper. What brings you to Florida?
l heard you opera-lovers were meetin'.
Thought I'd come in case anybody decided to sing.
Big joke.
Where were you at 3pm on St Valentine's Day?
- l was at Rigoletto. - What's his first name and address?
It's an opera, you ignoramus.
- ln the garage on Clark Street? - Clark Street? Never heard of it.
Ever hear of Deluxe Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?
The day after the shoot you sent in spats with blood on 'em.
l cut myself while shaving.
- You shave with spats on? - l sleep with my spats on.
Stop kidding. You vulcanised Toothpick Charlie, and we know it.
You and who else?
Me and those two witnesses you have been lookin' for all over Chicago.
Boys, know anyzhing about any garage or witnesses?
Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.
Honest.
Don't worry, Spats. One of these days we're gonna dig up those two guys.
That's what you'll have to do - dig 'em up.
l feel like such a tramp, taking jewellery from a man under false pretences.
Get it while you're young. Fix your lips if you wanna look nice for Osgood.
lt'll break his heart when he finds out l can't marry him.
lt'll break Sugar's heart when she finds out I'm not a millionaire.
Can't make an omelette without breakin' an egg.
- What's with the omelette? - Nag, nag, nag.
We got a yacht, a bracelet, you've got Osgood, I've got Sugar. We'll be cookin'.
- Joe! - What?
Something tells me the omelette is about to hit the fan.
Come on, Daphne.
- Going up. - Hold it.
Three, please.
l don't mean to be forward,
but ain't l had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?
- Oh, no. - You must mean two other broads.
- You ever been in Chicago? - Us?
We wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago.
Third floor.
- What floor are you on, sweetie? - Never you mind.
Room 41 3. We'll be in touch.
Don't call us. We'll call you.
l tell you, Joe, they're onto us.
They're gonna line us up against the wall and...
The cops will find two dead dames and take us to the morgue
and when they undress us, I'll die of shame.
- Shut up and keep packing. - Yeah. OK, Joe.
- Not that, you idiot. - They're from Osgood.
He wanted me to wear 'em tonight.
l tell you, l will never find another man who's so good to me.
Joe, if we get outta this hotel alive, we'll sell this bracelet, take the money,
grab a boat to South America and hide out in a banana republic.
l figured if we eat nothing but bananas, we could live there for 50 years.
lf we get outta the hotel alive.
- Did we forget anyzhing? - Yeah. The shaving stuff.
- And also Sugar. - Sugar?
- Give me room 414. - What are you doin'?
- Making a telephone call. - Who has time?
We can't walk out on her without a goodbye.
You usually walk out and leave 'em with a kick in the teeth.
That's when l was a saxophone player. Now I'm a millionaire.
Mail her a postcard. Those gorillas may be here any minute.
Room 414? This is the ship-to-shore operator.
Ship to shore?
Hey, Sugar, it's for you. From the yacht.
Hello, my dearest darling. It's good to hear your voice.
l may throw up.
No, l didn't sleep too well, darling. To tell the truth, l never closed an eye.
l never slept better. l had the most wonderful dream.
l was still on the yacht and the anchor broke loose.
We drifted for days and days.
You were the captain and l was the crew.
l kept a lookout for icebergs, l sorted your shells and mixed your cocktails,
and l wiped the steam off your glasses.
And when l woke up, l wanted to swim right back to you.
Yes...
Now, about our date for tonight...
I'll meet you on the pier again right after the show.
I'm afraid not. l can't make it tonight.
Not tomorrow either. l have to leave.
Something unexpected came up. I'm sailing right away.
Where to?
South America?
That is unexpected.
You see, we have these oil interests in Venezuela.
l just got a cable from Dad. The board of directors have decided on a merger.
A merger? How long will you be gone?
Quite a while.
As a matter of fact, I'm not coming back at all.
You're not?
Well, it's all rather complicated. What we call high finance.
lt just so happens the president of the Venezuelan oil syndicate has a daughter...
Oh. That kind of merger.
What is she like?
According to our tax adviser, she's only so-so.
But that's the way the oil gushes.
A man in my position has a responsibility to the stockholders.
All those little people who have invested their life savings.
Of course. l understand. At least, l think l do.
l knew you would. l only wish there was something l could do for you.
But you have. You've given me all that inside information.
Tomorrow I'm gonna call my broker
and have him buy me 50,000 shares of Venezuelan oil.
Smart move.
By the way, did you get my flowers?
You know, those orchids from my greenhouse?
The fog finally lifted over Long lsland and they flew them down this morning.
That's strange. l sent 'em to your room.
They should have been delivered by now.
Hey, Dolores, will you see if there's any flowers outside?
Yes, they're here. White orchids.
l haven't had white orchids since l was a debutante.
What's this?
What's what?
Oh, that. Just a little going-away present.
Real diamonds.
They must be worth their weight in gold. Are you always this generous?
Not always.
l wanted you to know how grateful l am for what you did for me.
l didn't do anyzhing. lt just happened.
The navigator just came in. We're ready to cast off.
Well, anchors aweigh, and have a bon voyage.
lf you need an orchestra to play at your wedding,
we'll be through here in a couple of weeks.
Goodbye, my darling.
l don't know about the captain but the navigator's gettin' his tail outta here.
- Yeah, let's shove off. - Wait a minute. My bracelet.
What happened to my bracelet?
- Your bracelet? It's ours. - All right. What happened to our bracelet?
- We did the right thing with it. - You're not pullin' one of your old tricks.
No tricks, no mirrors, nothing up my sleeve.
It's on the level this time.
Where's that bourbon?
- What's the matter, Sugar? - l don't know. All of a sudden I'm thirsty.
How did you get that bracelet?
- You like it? - l always did.
Junior gave it to me. He's gone to South America to marry another girl.
- That's what you call high finance. - That's what l call a louse.
lf l were you, I'd take that bracelet and throw it back in his face.
He's the first nice guy I've met in my life. The only one that ever gave me anyzhing.
You'll forget him, Sugar.
How can l? No matter where l go, there'll always be a Shell station on every corner.
I'll bring this back when it's empty.
Are you crazy? The place is crawlin' with mobsters.
And you're makin' like Diamond Jim Brady.
How are we gonna get outta here? How are we gonna eat?
- We'll walk. lf we have to, we'll starve. - There's that ''we'' again.
Not that way. We don't wanna run into Spats and his chums.
Your hands clean?
Over.
OK, button my spats.
You sure dress nice, boss.
Say, boss. I've been talking with the other delegates.
The word is, Little Bonaparte is real sore over what happened to Toothpick Charlie.
- Him and Charlie was choirboys together. - Stop or I'll bust out cryin'.
He even got Charlie's last toothpick from the garage. Had it gold-plated.
Like l was tellin' you fellas.
Little Bonaparte's gettin' soft. Hasn't got it here any more.
Used to be like a rock.
- It's too bad. l think it's time he retired. - Second the motion.
How are we gonna retire him?
Oh, we'll think of somethin' cute.
Little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie will be singin' in the same choir again.
But this time we'll make sure there are no witnesses.
Look. The two broads from the elevator.
Hey. Join us.
What's the matter with those dames?
Maybe those dames ain't dames.
Same faces, same instruments.
- Here's your Valentine's card. - The two musicians from the garage.
They wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago, so we'll finish the job here. Come on.
- All right, so what do we do now? - First we gotta get out of these clothes.
What happened?
Me and Tiny had them cornered, but we lost them in the shuffle.
- Where were you guys? - We was with you, at Rigoletto's.
- Why, you stupid idiot. - Boss, we'll get 'em after the banquet.
They can't be too far away.
Thank you.
Thank you, fellow opera-lovers.
It's been ten years since l elected myself president of this organisation,
and, if l say so myself, you made the right choice.
Let's look at the record. ln the last fiscal year,
we made $1 1 2 million before taxes.
Only we ain't payin' no taxes.
Of course, like in every business, we had our little misunderstandings.
Let us now observe one minute of silence
in memory of seven of our members from Chicago, North Side Chapter,
who are unable to be with us tonight on account of bein' rubbed out.
You too, Spats.
Up.
Easy, now.
- You know when you come out? - Yeah. Second time they sing:
For he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny.
OK.
And don't mess up the cake. l promised to bring back a piece to my kids.
Now, fellow delegates,
there comes a time in the life of every business executive
when he starts thinkin' about retirement.
No!
I'm lookin' around for somebody to fill my shoes.
I've been considerin' several candidates.
For instance, there's a certain party from Chicago,
South Side Chapter.
Now, some people say he's gotten a little too big for his spats.
But l say he's a man who'll go far.
Some people say he's gone too far.
But l say, you can't keep a good man down.
Of course, he's still got a lot to learn.
The big noise he made on St Valentine's Day,
that wasn't very good for public relations.
And lettin' them two witnesses get away. That sure was careless.
Don't worry about those two. They're as good as dead.
l almost caught up with them today.
You mean you let 'em get away twice?
Some people would say that's real sloppy.
But l say: to err is human, to forgive divine.
And just to show you what l think of you, Spats,
the boys told me you was gonna have a birthday.
So we baked you a little cake.
My birthday?
Why, it ain't for another four months.
So we're a little early. What's a few months between friends?
All right, boys. Now all together.
For he's a jolly good fellow.
Which nobody can deny.
For he's a jolly good fellow.
Which nobody can deny.
Big joke.
Let's get outta here.
Get those two guys.
What happened here?
There was somethin' in that cake that didn't agree with 'em.
My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room till l get the recipe.
You wanna make a federal case of it?
Yeah.
They slipped through our hands.
We're watchin' the train station, roads and airport. They can't get away.
- Did you hear that? - But they're not watching yachts.
- You're gonna call Osgood. - What'll l tell him?
Tell him you're gonna elope with him.
Elope? But there are laws, conventions.
There's a convention, all right. There's also the ladies' morgue.
Josephine.
Bienstock!
Hey. That's no dame.
None of that, Sugar.
No guy is worth it.
Grab her.
Josephine?
- Osgood's meeting us at the pier. - We're not on the pier yet.
Hi.
My friend Josephine, gonna be a bridesmaid.
- Pleased to meet you. - Come on.
She's so eager.
Wait for Sugar!
- Another bridesmaid? - Flower girl.
- Sugar, what are you doing? - l told you, I'm not very bright.
Let's go.
You don't want me, Sugar.
I'm a liar and a phoney. A saxophone player.
One of those no-goodniks you keep running away from.
l know. Every time.
Sugar, do yourself a favour. Go back to the millionaires.
The sweet end of the lollipop,
not the coleslaw in the face and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.
That's right, pour it on. Talk me out of it.
l called Mama. She was so happy, she cried.
She wants you to have her wedding gown. It's white lace.
Osgood, l can't get married in your mother's dress.
She and l, we are not built the same way.
- We can have it altered. - Oh no, you don't.
Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Why not?
Well...
ln the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Doesn't matter.
l smoke. l smoke all the time.
l don't care.
l have a terrible past. For three years I've been living with a saxophone player.
l forgive you.
l can never have children.
- We can adopt some. - You don't understand, Osgood.
- I'm a man. - Well,
nobody's perfect.