MADE OF HONOR (2008)
Oh, yeah, nice to see you.
Hey, that dress needs dry-cleaning.
- Here you go. - Thank you kindly, Monica.
Monica? Monica?
Oh, shit, Hillary.
Okay.
Hi, Bill.
Oh, hey, Snow White.
Where is 11 B?
Bingo.
Where did she say that thing was?
Guess it's time for a little action.
Monica.
It's Bill.
I got some dictation for you, Monica.
I got a big secret for you, baby.
How did you get up here so soon?
Monica. Monica.
Wait!
I can't see.
My eyes! My eyes! I can't see!
Who let you in?
What happened? Where's Monica? What happened to Monica?
How did you get in here?
She told me where the key was. I can't see.
Did she say it was okay to dry hump her roommate?
She said you'd be in the library because you're a geek.
I am not a geek. Gosh.
Oh, my God. What was that, Mace?
Eternity by Calvin Klein.
Oh, I'm gonna be so careful who I get in bed with from now on.
That'd be a big adjustment for you, wouldn't it?
God.
I do that every time.
I've invented a solution for that. Seriously.
It's something goes around a coffee cup so you don't burn your hand.
I'm gonna call it the coffee collar. Brilliant idea.
I know all about you. I know your whole rap.
- You do? - Yeah. You're a senior...
...who preys on freshmen. You slept with half my floor.
- Well, half your floor was female. - Whatever.
And you once met Bono, which I suspect is total bullshit.
No, it's true. He signed my CD. It's upstairs in my room...
...with my coffee collar if you wanna see it.
Are you hitting on me?
No. I'm going off your look.
- My look. - Yeah. Your "doggy bowl" look.
- Are you calling me a dog? - No, it's a theory I have.
Oh, Casanova has a theory.
When a girl's attracted to a guy, she has a look. It's her tell, like poker.
It's the same look a dog gets right before you put down the bowl.
You're offensive. And you're crazy.
I'm honest. I believe honesty is the best policy.
All right. You want me to be honest with you?
Sure.
- I'm majoring in Fine Art. - Right.
I'm studying the golden proportions of the human face.
Your nose is bent, it droops down at the bottom...
...a feature accentuated by the thinness of your lip.
And your eyes are too far apart...
...but they'd have to be to accommodate that bent nose.
I feel sorry for you. You have to validate yourself...
...through insatiable, meaningless, ego sport-sex...
...with insecure girls like my roommate.
I would never have sex with someone...
...like you.
Hey, come here.
That was amazing.
- What was? - The honesty.
That was almost better than sex without the...
- Without the crying. - Actually, it did feel pretty good.
- No one's been that honest. - It's called a friend.
I'm Tom, by the way.
- Hannah. - Hannah. That's a palindrome.
Good night.
Your hand's clammy.
I can see through your nightgown.
Tom, is that you?
Can I see your Bono autograph?
She's all yours, friend.
Monica, get some sleep.
Good morning.
Who is this?
Oh, I'm late.
What are you doing tonight?
I don't do back-to-backs.
Isn't that what we were doing last night?
No, that was something different. Back-to-backs are seeing each other...
...two nights in a row. I don't do that.
Couldn't you just break one of your stupid rules?
- No. - For me?
I'm sorry. I don't break the rules.
I have a rule about that.
See you next week.
Thank you.
- Excuse me. - Sorry.
Can I get a grande drip...
...and a decaf, triple grande...
...nonfat, extra-hot, stirred, no-foam Caramel Macchiato...
...with whipped cream, extra caramel?
And fill that 70 percent of the way. Thank you.
Oh, here. Let me put a coffee collar on that for you.
Oh, thank you.
I hear the guy that invented that gets a dime for each.
- You're kidding. - I am not.
That could add up.
Oh, I think I picked up yours by accident.
- Sorry about that. - That's all right. Thank you.
Anytime.
Bye-bye.
"Gloria."
Morning.
Good morning, Hannah. Coffee the way you like it.
Perfect timing. I just finished working on his balls.
That's... Yeah. Good. So I made a reservation.
- So which rule is this? - No back-to-backs.
Isn't it the same as the "no more than once a week" rule?
The once a week rule works Monday to Friday...
You could have a date on Sunday and then Monday without breaking it.
- Exactly, you got it. - Of course.
Here we go. Hey, good morning.
Can I get the steamed buns...
...the scalloped steamed dumplings...
...and the vegetarian and shrimp steamed dumplings.
- Thank you. - For what?
You know how much I love the fried stuff. You're looking after me.
Excellent. So what did she say?
She was hurt, but at least I was...
- But you were honest, weren't you? - What? I was. I am. Always.
I know you are, but it's just shocking how you use it as a shield.
Maybe I should lie. Be more like Dennis Phillips.
Say whatever to get a woman in bed.
Do not be like Dennis Phillips. He's so gross.
- He only hit on you once. - At my father's funeral.
Okay, he's not known for his sensitivity.
Oh, God. Anyways...
What?
Nothing.
I know that "nothing." It's something. Anyway?
Anyway, we both know you don't need to lie to get a woman into bed.
Gloria. I don't wanna lose that. Can I keep it? Thank you.
Here's another rule too: 24-hour rule.
I can't call her for another 24 hours. Then it appears I'm too desperate.
Yeah, right.
You know, Dan sent me another letter.
Asking you to move to Canada and marry him?
A slice of apple-crumb pie.
No. Got that last time.
- You guys broke up like a year ago. - Nineteen months.
- You're counting? - No, he is. It was in the letter.
Lemon, butter-cream cup.
Not feeling the cream cup today.
Cranberry-orange muffin?
Oh, Hannah, come on. You're losing it.
- I know, I know. Okay, okay. - They don't have it here. Forget it.
- Come on. You're disappointing me. - I got it. I got it.
Okay, I so have it, I so have it.
Cream-cheese-swirl brownie.
You're so good.
What do you think of this? I think we should bring them this.
Tom, I'm not going to another one of your father's weddings.
Thank you. Hannah? Please.
Take one of the girls you've been rubbing against.
No weddings or family events.
That's right. I forgot that rule.
- Leaves the wrong impression. - It does.
- Is this made with real alligator? - Yes, baby alligator.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Look at you.
Hello there. Hello there. Aren't you beautiful?
Oh, I love you. Yes, I do, I love you.
You're so pretty. Yes, you are. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful. You're so beautiful. Look at that face.
Love you, love you, love you.
You should try saying that to a human sometime.
What?
A human? You don't say that to a human.
You're sweet. Love you.
Hannah, please. Come to the wedding.
- No. - He gets married and I go.
I go because he's my father and I care deeply for the man.
Everybody knows he doesn't love them.
They don't love him. It's pathetic.
Breaks my heart. I don't know what to say.
If someone's making a mistake and it's not your place to interfere, say:
"I'm happy you're happy."
- "I'm happy you're happy." - Yeah.
Okay. I'll do that.
I promise you, this is the last time I'll ask you to come.
And then I'll find somebody else to come for the next few.
Hannah, please.
That's cute.
- Last time. - Thank you. Thank you.
Look, she gets the apartment in the city and 30 grand a month.
Right. Okay, okay. You get the house in the Hamptons.
She's asking for the apartment in the city and 30 grand.
- Thirty? But... - Are you still negotiating the prenup?
- Now the party starts, my son is here. - You're getting married in 10 minutes.
Dad, Dad, please. I can't breathe. Dad. Please, Dad.
- Did you bring the lovely Hannah? - Yes, I did.
You don't act on that, you know what I'm gonna do?
- No. - I'm gonna make her my number six.
It's seven. This is number six.
- Yeah. - My God, you are pretty.
Oh, Dad...
I used to be that pretty once.
Dennis, look how pretty my boy is.
He's beautiful. They won't accept a minimum of five times a week.
She promised five, I want five.
What did she promise you five times a week?
- Four times? - Two.
No, no, no. We're not done yet. We're not done yet.
- Three with a bimonthly BJ. - Oh, this is disturbing.
- Four, and make it weekly. - Wait, wait, wait. Don't...
Driver, go around the block. We are not even close.
- Hi. - Hi.
- What was that? - Christie, wait. Christie.
- Come on. - Okay. Okay.
Come on, tell me. Say what you gotta say.
Well, I'm happy if you're happy.
"You're too old for her, Dad. She doesn't love you.
This is embarrassing. You're gonna rack up your fifth divorce."
- Sixth. - Sixth.
- Come on, I'm happy if you're happy. - Bullshit.
They'll go for four if you exercise more.
You can't gain any more weight.
- Take it. Deal. - Deal.
I told her I weighed 10 pounds more than I do. Ain't love grand?
- Sign them both. - What's he signing now?
- Current prenup and his last divorce. - That's just great.
You look great, don't fix it. Come on.
- You're good. - Move.
- I'm so excited. - Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm so excited.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Did you tell your dad you loved him? - I told him I cared for him.
You can't even tell your father. I don't get that.
- It's a guy thing. - No, it's a Tom thing.
Oh, well, you're an "I love you" slut.
Are you kidding me?
You say it all the time, to everybody.
- Oh, this looks so good. - That looks good. What is that?
Lemon. I should've ordered this. This looks good.
You always order better than I do.
It's lemon, right? It's good. I'm ordering that from now on.
- No, you won't. - Why?
I need you to order the chocolate cake so I can have some.
There's my son.
Here we go.
- Hi. - Christie. How are you?
If you're a bad boy, I'm gonna spank you.
Yeah. Do you know what I would like to say to you? Is that...
- I want you to listen to me, Tom. - Yes.
If you need any moneys...
...or you need any advice... - Right.
...or you got girl problems. I don't think...
I need you to think of me how you would a real mother.
Yeah, that's exactly what I...
- Look at this beauty. - There he is.
Hello, sweetie.
Drunk as the night I first met her.
- So romantic. - Oh, please. By all means.
- You are a bad influence on her. - Me?
Last shot, okay?
- I'm stealing you away. - "The last one."
He does know that he can just date, right?
No, I don't think he does.
- To mothers. - To mothers. Cheers.
Careful.
Oh, nice.
Oh, God.
- Hide me. - What?
It's my dad's patient coordinator.
Don't look, don't look. Don't look. No, no. She's obsessed with me.
Yeah, she's created a website called AllThingsTom.org.
- The psycho blogger? - Yes.
Okay, come on. Dance with me. Watch yourself.
- I think she's cute. - Stop it.
- I'm serious. - Just keep going.
Here, just...
Hide me. Up. Neck, neck, neck. Up. Back. Side, side. Go. Over.
Her last blog was a two-page description of my face.
You see, she doesn't think my nose is too bent or my lips are too thin.
- Who said that? - You did. When we met.
- Well, I lied. - What?
I thought you were hot.
Well, you told me I looked like a dog.
That's because I was just trying to sleep with you.
Why haven't you since?
Well, I like having you in my life.
Funny.
- Hi, Tom. - Oh, hi.
- Did you see the new blog? - No, we haven't.
- Who's this? - This?
Well, this is my... My girlfriend.
Why didn't you tell me you were seeing someone?
- Because I don't know you. - We have a really open relationship.
Really?
I wanted to talk to you about that, princess.
I don't wanna be with anybody but you.
I don't know if I'm really quite ready to make that commitment.
You know my rules.
- We're a bit of an emotional retard. - Yeah.
I think I need to start a new blog now.
That is so scary.
She's psychotic on top of being... Oh, this is not good.
Get out of my way.
Okay, good, she's gone. Perfect. Let's go.
Good, come on. What?
Do you remember that home in Scotland...
...with those paintings I told you about?
- It's all I think about. - Stop it, Tom.
I got the board to sign off on making them additions to our collection.
Really?
But they want me to go to Scotland for an acquisitions trip.
- When do you go? - Couple of days.
Couple of days? For how long?
Six weeks.
That's a long time.
- That's great. - You think?
Yes, it's a great opportunity for you.
You're like the museum maven of the Met.
It's got a good ring to it.
- Thank you. - Congratulations.
Six Sundays.
That is six Sundays.
- What am I gonna do without you? - Oh, well. I can just imagine.
- Yeah. - What are you doing?
- I'm gonna jump! - No. God. Jesus.
Six Sundays. How can I live without you?
- Can you not take anything seriously? - Yeah, I can.
Get down.
- Let's get you another drink. - I think I've had too many already.
Oh, thanks for coming to the wedding.
It was a ball. I can't wait for number seven.
It's coming up soon, I have a feeling.
We also ask at this time that you turn off all your electronic devices.
Please leave your cell phones turned off for the full duration of the flight.
I'm not gonna be able to play today, man. My back.
If we don't have a fourth, we're gonna end up with Tiny Shorts Guy.
- How's it going? - Need another?
No, our friend Paul, with longer shorts, is coming.
No, Ginny signed him up for some art-walk thing.
Art walk? Are you serious? Tell me:
What do you think Ginny did with his balls?
Come on, guys. Marriage isn't that bad.
Without marriage, there'd be no divorce.
Without divorce, I wouldn't have my condo in Aspen.
There you go.
- Good one. - What is he? What is he?
I'm serious, man. You're missing out on the best parts of life.
The most important part of life.
This from the guy whose wife won't let him own porn.
He's gotta wank off to the underwear of the Sears catalogue.
I thought we weren't gonna talk about that, huh?
What's the matter with you? You're single and been single since...
What was her name, in sophomore year?
Pimkin. Pimkin, that's it.
Pimkin dumped you for him sophomore year.
You've never been the same. You haven't been able to sleep.
- Scarred. - You have no idea how nice it is...
...to have someone who's gonna be there for you, no matter what, forever.
Snaps to that.
You don't know how nice it is to sleep with a different girl.
That's true.
Nice rebuttal.
You know, you got the best of both worlds, Tom.
It's true. I can sleep with whoever I want...
...but I still get to hang with Hannah. It's a perfect setup.
- Well, maybe not for Hannah. - What's that mean?
Come on, Tom. She's a woman.
- Yeah, I got that. - You sure?
Dude, she's pushing 30.
You think her idea of happily ever after...
...is coming home to you and hanging out after you got laid?
- Makes you think, right? - Yeah.
- Hello? - Hey.
- Hi. - How's the weather in England?
It's great. Only I'm in Scotland.
Oh, right. Right.
So it's sunny.
It's 3 in the morning.
- Oh, right. Sorry. So it's dark. - Yeah.
Hey, have you seen the Loch Ness monster yet?
I know, terrible joke. Anyway...
Is there something important?
Yeah, you'll never guess what happened.
- What? - They filled in the pothole.
- The pothole? - On 83rd.
Terrific. Hey, Tom?
- Yeah? - I'm gonna go back to sleep now.
Oh, okay. Sure.
Love you.
Good night. Call me tomorrow.
This stuff's all old.
Yeah. That's the point.
Let's go to Fendi.
- Fendi? No. No, no. - Yes.
- We're here. Let's just stay here. - Yes.
I'm not into old stuff.
Why are you talking like a six year old?
I'm not.
This line is too long. Can't we just go somewhere else?
No. This is the best bakery in the world.
That's why it's worth waiting in line.
Come on, we'll play a game. Wanna play a game?
- Yeah, we can play a game. - Okay, good.
- Tell me what to order. - Why?
You'll see. It'll be fun. Make a suggestion.
- A cookie. - No, no, you have to be specific...
...like what type of cookie.
A really big cookie.
Tom, your phone's ringing.
Hello?
Nope.
- What's wrong? - Missed an important call.
That's because you're an important person.
No. Oh, wait. Hey, come to mama.
We will have two fried dumplings...
...two of the wontons, and six of the fried porky thingies.
Yeah, but that's fried.
- Come on. - It's not healthy.
Have some of the fried. It won't hurt you.
Thank you.
Move, please.
Oh, gosh.
This is unbelievable.
- Hello? - Hey. Hello?
Hello?
- Hannah? - Hello?
- Hey. - Tom? Tom, is that you?
- Tom? - Hello?
Hello?
You're cutting out. I can't hear anything you've said.
I'm stuck in a thunderstorm. I'm surrounded with a herd of cows.
- I'll call when I get to the hotel. Tom? - Hannah, I can't hear you.
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Oh, I hate Scotland.
We're having a hard time.
Oh, yeah? Want a hand?
- Give us a little... - We'd love it.
- I think you'd better sit down, sir. - I might fall in.
- Sit down there, sir. - Sit, sit, sit.
Here we go.
- Don't come in. - Hang on.
Thank you, thank you.
- Have a good afternoon. - Have a wonderful day.
- Give it up, baby. - What do you got, Gar?
- Come on, scrub. - What you got?
Let's go. What do you got, Gar?
What do you got, Gar? What do you got?
Come on, Tom. Tom, Tom.
Easy.
Tom, foul. That's a foul, Tom. What's the matter with you today?
I don't know. I think I might have feelings for Hannah.
Oh, come on, come on. Let's just play.
It's just without her, something's off.
It's got me thinking that there's more to life...
...than just sleeping around.
- I don't understand. - I'm not following.
Come on, let's just play. Come on. I'll take it out.
I know exactly what you mean, Tom.
Thanks. Here you go.
I'm gonna tell Hannah. When she gets home...
...I'm gonna tell her.
- Nothing about marriage, just together. - That's romantic.
You have one unheard message.
Hey, Tom, I'm back. God, I cannot wait to see you.
I don't care what you're doing tonight, cancel it. We're going to dinner.
Meet me at that new place next to the small Greek place we hated...
...that used to be the Thai-fusion place we loved. Meet me there, 8:00.
I have so much to tell you.
All right.
Okay.
Have a good night.
Tom. You okay?
- I'm all right. Are you all right? - I think I broke a rib.
- Sorry about your flowers. - His rib. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Are you okay? - I'm so sorry.
- I'm sorry, sir. Here are your flowers. - Oh, but...
- You had flowers? - They're not my flowers.
- Your flowers. Those are yours. - I didn't have flowers.
- It's good to see you. It's great. - I missed you.
- There's someone I want you to meet. - Oh, good.
It started pouring and suddenly it was just me in a field of cows.
Of course, we're in Europe. There are no signs and it's getting dark.
I think she thought she was in some bad werewolf movie.
"Stay off the moors, lassie."
So anyway, all of a sudden out of nowhere...
...Colin comes riding up on horseback...
Can you believe it? A horse. - and asks me if I need any help.
You were a lady in distress. What was I gonna do?
It was right out of a Brontë novel.
So anyway, he shows me to this charming little inn...
...where he proceeds to buy me the most awful dinner I've ever had.
Right. Okay. Aye. It was pretty bad, even by Scottish standards.
We spent the next month traveling around the country...
...getting to know each other, visiting museums. It was...
- It was perfect. - It was perfect.
When it was time for Hannah to leave, I just...
I don't know, I just... I couldn't let her go.
- So I got down on one knee... - And he proposed, and I accepted.
Wow, that's just... It's huge, it's...
The wedding's coming together quickly.
It sounds like it.
We're gonna get married at Colin's parents' home.
It's gonna be small. We can't expect people...
...to make the trip overseas in just a fortnight.
- A fortnight. - Right.
- That's two weeks. - It's crazy, isn't it?
- Have you ever been to Scotland? - I haven't.
You should see the church where we're exchanging vows.
Same church that Colin's parents were married in.
It's across the loch from our distillery.
- Distillery? - Colin's family...
...owns the largest whiskey distillery in Scotland.
Tom, look.
If you were getting married I'd expect to be your best man.
Tom, will you be my maid of honor?
Your maid of honor?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Forgive me, I... - What is it with you, man?
What are you...? Excuse me. Excuse me.
Did you see that?
Maid of honor.
That's funny stuff. But you're a guy.
- Go ahead, just get it out. - Oh, my...
So, what did you say? Did you say yes?
I didn't know what to say. I told her I'd think about it.
Think about whether that dress gonna make your ass look big.
- Give me a break. Come on. - All right, let me think.
She into this guy?
You should have seen her. Staring at him moony, like he shits unicorns.
That's not good. You're gonna have to do this.
You're gonna have to be the maid of honor. I'm serious.
Think about it. This would give you an excuse to be around Hannah.
Helping her out, being the man behind the curtain.
You'd be her confidant.
Then you could use that time to point out to Hannah that this is crazy...
...and that she doesn't even know this guy.
- I'm not gonna do that. No way. No. - What? Look.
I don't know what your other options are.
You got a better chance of stopping this wedding from inside...
...than from another continent.
And they say that you can shorten this and wear it again if you like.
Come on, if you're serious and you really want Hannah back...
...from this guy, you're gonna have to do whatever it takes.
Whatever.
- Your dress is beautiful. - Thank you.
I am so happy you're gonna do this.
Pleasure. For this wedding, I am willing to do whatever it takes.
- I'm so excited. - Yeah, me too.
So let me tell you who the bridesmaids are.
- All right. Stephanie. - I like Stephanie.
- She loves you. - Good.
- My friend Hilary. - I don't know Hilary.
- She's the best. - Okay.
- And Melissa. - Oh, no.
- I had to. She's my cousin. - She hates me.
- Well, you broke her heart. - She broke my nose.
- That was an accident. - She hit me with her fist.
I was honest with her. I said, "Look, nothing serious," and she agreed.
Sometimes our hearts don't match our mouths.
That's good. Put that in the vows.
She's wanted to be my maid of honor since we were 5...
...so now she's really gonna hate you.
There they are now.
Okay, well, as your maid of honor, I promise to keep the peace.
- Oh, hi. - There she is.
- Hello, good to see you. - Oh, the bride-to-be.
- I'm Tom. - I'm Hilary.
Very nice to meet you.
Stephanie, how are you doing? It's so good to see you too.
Are you kidding me?
Look at you, Melissa. How have you been?
- That went great. - This isn't awkward.
It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine. Don't worry. I'm gonna be fine.
So, Tom, have you met Colin yet?
- Yes. - Isn't he dreamy?
Absolutely.
Could someone please pass me the Splenda?
Could someone who's not a misogynist pass the Splenda?
- Hello? - Thank you, Stephanie.
It's Colin, you guys.
Hi, babe. One sec.
Hi.
They're so cute.
We have nine days before we leave. We have to act quickly.
Exactly. I've been a MOH six times...
...so I'll organize everything to be done.
Even though I'm not officially the MOH here.
- What is a MOH? - M-O-H.
- Oh, maid of honor. That's you. - Oh, that's clever. Yeah.
No, it's going great.
Very smoothly.
So we've got the bridal shower, the bachelorette...
...dress fittings, the kilt...
- I'll do the kilts. - Oh, good.
Shopping for Hannah's trousseau. That's gonna be fun.
Trousseau? What is a trousseau?
It's lingerie. For her wedding night.
How do you expect to be a good MOH if you don't even know that?
- She's talking to me. - No, I didn't.
- You just did. - Oh, I'm sorry, Tom.
Did I break a rule?
Oh, how about we focus on the wedding part?
- Good idea. Let's do that. - Okay, I need dress sizes.
- I'm a four. - Hey.
Eight.
I'm sorry.
You know, Hilary...
...do you think that maybe you'd just be more comfortable in, like, a 12?
No, it'll be fine. I'm doing the Dr. Riverbed fast.
- Oh, yeah. - What is that?
Water, peach resin, apple pectin...
...shark extract and Lawry's seasoning salt.
What about food?
Look, I am going to look amazing in that dress...
...I am going to meet a Scottish man and I'm gonna be happy.
- Write down an 8. - Got it.
What's your dress size, maid of honor?
I don't know. What's your jock size, Melissa?
Okay, guys. That's enough. It's enough.
Sorry. But will you guys look at Hannah, please?
Okay, she's happy, finally.
So could you please, for Hannah, let's all just get along...
...hook a smile on our faces and pretend like everything is perfect.
Okay, fine. Okay.
- Oh, my God. That's great. - What did he say?
- How's he doing? - Oh, he's so sweet.
Isn't that great.
How's it going?
- Great. - Good. Really good.
Fantastic. Fantastic.
- I mean, it is pretty much done. - Perfect. Really?
- Tom? - Yes.
- Here. - What is this?
She does bridal-shower entertainment.
I hired her for Stephanie's sister's shower. Hannah loved it.
- She reads tarot cards. - That's great. Thank you.
I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for Hannah.
Okay. Thank you. For Hannah.
It should've been me.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye, Tom. - Goodbye.
- Bye, Hilary. - See you. Nice meeting you.
I just had a very nice bonding moment with Melissa.
- Can I ask you a favor? - Sure.
My mother and grandmother are coming into town tomorrow...
...and I have so much to plan.
I was wondering if you and your boys could entertain Colin for the day.
- Entertain him? - Get to know him and stuff.
- Sure. Yeah. - Cool.
So are you more proud of Scotch tape or McDonald's?
I think they're both American.
You invited this guy to play ball with us?
He's the competition.
I need to get to know his strengths and weaknesses.
I like his green shirt. Is that like a poly blend kind of thing?
- It's my shirt. - It's your shirt?
- Yeah. Looks good on him. - Looks real good.
Why don't you play with him?
Thanks.
Colin, you ever play basketball before?
We would call this netball.
In Scotland it's more of a woman's game.
So no, I don't have much experience.
- I do. You need one more? - We're good.
All right.
- All right, girls. You ready? - Yeah. I am.
- Gotta use your hands there. - You all right there?
- I'm open, I'm open. - There we go.
You gotta hold on to the ball, man. You hold on to the ball.
Almost.
You should get some Scottish girls out here.
No, you want to start again because you didn't get that.
There you go. That was good. Here you go.
What do you got? Shoot that. Nice.
- I like it like that. - Sorry, guys.
Get on him.
Lay-up. Get in there, ball. You okay?
Okay, back to you. Put it in the basket.
You know what I'm loving? The guy's a chump.
- There it is. - Arms up, baby. That's good.
That's it, that's it. We got it now.
Hey, I look good, don't I?
Here we go. Here we go now.
Yo!
Just put it in the basket.
- Go ahead. - Put it in the basket.
Hey, take a shot.
- Sorry, guys, huh? - Did you see that?
Probably not allowed to stuff it in the net.
- He dunks the ball. - Sorry, sorry.
He dunks the ball.
That was awesome. You can dunk.
He can dunk. That is awesome.
Wait, if that's allowed, why don't you guys all do it?
Yeah, if we could, we would. Right?
Nice!
Yes!
- Good game, yeah. Good game. - My brother.
He's gonna be more competition than you thought.
- I know, I know. - I love this guy.
Shit.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Hey.
- Holy... - That boy's got mad-cow disease.
We gotta get dirt on this guy.
I got a guy I use when a spouse suspects infidelity.
Everybody's got skeletons in their closet.
Nobody's squeaky clean and my guy is the best.
It just seems so cheap.
It won't be. I'll charge double because you're rich.
- It's a cheap thing to do. - He plays cheap.
- You gotta match that. - How does Colin play cheap?
That thing with Hannah, being Scottish...
...making her fall in love in Scotland.
That monster thing of his.
Fine. Get the dirt.
That's cool.
The white zone is for immediate loading...
...and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
What's he gonna do, eat her?
Come on, come on, come on.
Okay, take a breath, take a breath, take a...
Thanks, Tom.
Yeah, have a great flight.
Bye. Thanks, mate.
Come on.
- I love you, Colin. - Bye.
Bye.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
- Need some ChapStick? - Yeah.
So, what church are we going to?
Grace Church.
Thank you for coming with me to meet the reverend.
- Oh, it's no problem. - He is the sweetest man.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
He married my parents and insisted on coming to Scotland to do my wedding.
Why didn't Colin stay and do this with you?
It was more important for him to go back to Scotland...
...to petition the Grand Council so Colin and I could get married.
What's a Gran... What's that mean?
I'm not Scottish, and his family is kind of like, you know.
- What? - Royalty.
Royalty?
- Royalty? What is he, like a king? - No, no. He's a duke.
A duke?
- Hannah, darling. - Reverend Foote.
And this must be the lucky young man who's marrying our beautiful Hannah.
- Oh, no. I'm not marrying him. - No.
This is Tom, my maid of honor.
- Maid of honor? - Yes.
Well, how about that?
We have many gay and lesbian members of the congregation.
Welcome.
- Thank you. - Thank you, Reverend.
- So let's talk about the wedding. - Okay.
I need to get some details about you and...
- Colin. - Colin. Colin, yes.
- I want to work it into the ceremony. - Okay.
- Well, it was such a whirlwind, really. - Yes, well, enlighten me.
Tell me about it.
Hannah, darling.
Hannah, I think it's important to dig deep here for the vows...
...and tell Reverend Foote all that you know about Colin.
All that you love about him. Not just the obvious stuff...
...but those unique characteristics that are Colin.
Those things that make you laugh and say:
"That's so Colin."
Right.
And then, you know, maybe you could get some information from Colin...
...and emphasize their unique bond. Their shared history.
Of course.
We could talk about love at first sight.
Well, that's always a crowd pleaser, but...
Hannah, elaborate. Tell me more about him.
How you feel about him.
- Where did you meet? - In Scotland.
Modigliani.
Your first summer in New York...
...you were dating a guy and he asked you to move in.
You weren't sure. That was around the time you discovered Modigliani...
...and became obsessed with his painting...
...of this woman who had a blue scarf on, holding a baby.
Hannah said, "That painting captured the essence of that woman...
- ...better than any photograph." - I can't believe you remember that.
I remember she freaked. She felt more passionate about that painting...
...than about Mr. Wall Street.
She wondered if she could meet somebody...
...that could make her feel as passionate as that work of art.
That's good. That's good.
Modigliani.
Now I know why you picked him to be maid of honor. Yes.
Well...
Come on. Who's ready to lose some money tonight? I'm feeling lucky.
You guys are late. How you doing?
- How you holding up, champ? - I'm stressed.
- Hannah's shower's in the morning. - Where we gonna play?
We're not gonna play till these baskets and everything else gets done.
- What about this party mix? - That's potpourri.
Oh, this is perfect. Come on, Felix, take it off.
Deb has one of these. It's funny, you can't see a thing.
- She'd have to, to sleep with you. - You could be, like, blinded.
No, I'm not playing with baskets. It's poker night.
- You put bayberry with serenity. - You no like?
No, I thought it was obvious that bayberry worked best with harmony.
Really? I've been putting bayberry with Tahitian Sunrise.
- That, I like. That's Zen. - Yeah. You know what I like?
I like how you put the bath ball in the center.
I like that so much, I'm gonna see your ball and raise you another ball.
Good idea. You should have two balls.
- Get you another ball. - Hey, Dennis...
...come and curl some ribbon.
I can feel my sperm dying inside of me one at a time.
Shut up and grab a basket. Come on, it's fun.
I'm going to a strip club to eat some meat.
Then I'm gonna get into a fight.
Call me when you find your balls, Tom.
All right, tough guy.
Or maybe they're in the basket next to the Tahitian Sunrise.
Someone's afraid of his feminine side.
Look at that... Oh, nice job with the fluffing. Look at that, huh?
You tjuzsed it, and it's been tjuzsed, and...
- Look at us. - Come on.
- Nice work, huh? - You can't lose.
Oh, shit. Hello, ladies. You look lovely today.
- Tom. - Hilary, how are you?
Good. Everything looks wonderful. This is the best shower I've been to.
Really, you think so? You know what, Hilary?
- You should really eat something. - No. Tom, I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm okay.
What you ladies go through to fit into a dress.
This blows your rule out of the water about no women allowed at your place.
What good's a rule if you don't break it?
I'm very, very impressed. Thank you...
Listen to that. Gay Gordons party remix, just for you.
Hear the horn? Hear the horn?
It's good, isn't it? Wait, let me turn it up for you. There it is.
- It's a little loud. - What?
- It's a little loud! - Okay. I'll turn it down. There you go.
Look at this. Try this. Haggis Pink.
It's pepper, cheese, chopped up baby lamb lung, and cow pituitary gland.
It's a Scottish delicacy. Colin recommended it.
Ladies. Ladies. Look what just came for Hannah.
It's from Colin, everyone.
Wait, there's a card. There's a card. There's a card.
It says "Hannah."
"Hannah, my love, this is the extremely rare...
...Scottish, floral, bud thistle."
Thistle?
"They only bloom for four hours before they die."
He must have timed this out perfectly.
Oh, my gosh. When we first met, Colin joked...
...that he would roam the countryside to find me one, and he did.
Sweetheart, that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Thanks, Mom.
Joan, good to see you. It's been too long.
I think, Easter, wasn't it?
Yes. You slept with our maid.
She told you? I didn't know she spoke English.
Yes, hi.
This is Grandma Pearl. You remember Tom.
- How are you? - Oh, yes. The fornicator.
That's right.
- Okay. - Tom, this is awesome.
- It's great. - Good, thank you.
This is even better than my sister's shower.
Really? It appears to be going well. Yes?
- Sharon would like to set up. - Who?
- The entertainment. - Yes.
Thank God... I mean, good. She should set up over there.
Hello, everybody. Hi, I'm Sharon. Good to see you all.
Yeah, come on, right down front.
This was my idea, you know.
I know you loved her from Stephanie's sister's shower...
I'd like for us all to take in a deep breath.
She wasn't at the shower.
- She wasn't? - No.
- And now exhale slowly. - Really?
Good job. Good job.
It's very important to reset our third eye...
...and connect to the primal... inside of ourselves...
...before I present the pleasure aids.
- Pleasure aids? - Now...
...these pleasure aids are best used when in a tantric, meditative state.
And today, I'm going to show you ladies...
...how to reach your optimal, sacral chakra.
All of these aids are for sale, ladies.
And... Oh, look what we have here. We have edible panties.
You look hungry. Here, snack on these. There you go.
Now, ladies, what pleasure party would be complete without...
...glow-in-the-dark thunder beads.
These are terrific. And for you ladies today, two for one.
Okay? There you go.
Do you wanna try those out, princess?
Where do these go?
From casual right into evening wear. Gorgeous.
You know what, why don't you keep those.
Oh, and they match your earrings.
Hannah, you okay?
You know I dreamt of my wedding shower...
...ever since I was 10 years old? - No.
Strangely enough, the image of my Grandma Pearl...
...draped in glow-in-the-dark thunder beads, wasn't part of it. It's not funny.
Do you have any idea how important this is to me?
And the Gay Gordons, pink haggis, dildo saleswoman?
Just understand something, that Melissa set me up.
Oh, please. There's always an excuse with you.
I never should've asked you to do this in the first place.
You don't even believe in marriage.
You know, I might.
I gotta get back.
Melissa's pretty good.
Look, the whole goal here was to convince Hannah that I'd grown up...
...that she doesn't know anything about Colin...
...that I'm the right man for her.
That did not happen.
Stella. No. No, baby, don't eat buttons, okay?
Yeah, but you're still the maid of honor, right, Tom?
I think she might have fired me.
How does somebody get fired from being maid of honor?
Tell me about it.
- You know what? I got an idea. - Okay.
To prove you're the only man for her...
...we have to make you the best maid of honor.
Right.
I'm at a loss, completely stunned. My guy couldn't find any dirt on Colin.
This has never happened. This guy's clean.
- I'm glad it happened to me. - He's got three Guinness Records?
- Cool. For what? - He's actually got a Medal of Honor.
Hey, that's pretty funny because we got the maid of honor right here.
All right, let's stay focused.
The point is, we're not gonna get her off this guy.
So we need to not make this about Colin.
- We need to make it about you. - Good.
Show her that you're growing up, that you're changing.
I am changing. I'm growing up.
- Then this should be easy for you. - Okay, great.
These are bridal magazines from 18 different countries...
...each with a feature article on being a maid of honor.
Perfect. Über Bride.
Now, I got these guys in Bangalore that we outsource to.
They translated them overnight for you.
Nice appetizer there, Gary. Here's the main course.
- What do you got for me? Bring it on. - Deb, is an A-type personality.
- She has to do everything perfect. - Sure.
Love her. Hate that about her.
She rented this when she was gonna be the maid of honor...
...for her yoga teacher. This is the goods.
- Good, let's look at this. - You're gonna be wowed.
Hi, I'm Elisabeth Hasselbeck...
...and I'm so thrilled you purchased this program.
And I'm proud of you because it shows that you're not happy...
...being just an ordinary friend and loved one.
No, you and I are going to work together...
...to make you the perfect maid of honor.
When we're through, you'll know everything there is...
...about dresses, crockery, nuptial etiquette, and pleasing your bride.
What's the length of the bridesmaid's dress?
Can't be longer than bride's.
What if someone won't be able to attend?
- You gotta send an invitation anyway. - Receiving line?
Receiving line?
A receiving line means I've failed because Hannah's married.
It was a trick question.
Who was the runner-up MVP, 1974?
These questions all have to do...
...with Tom being the best maid of honor he can be.
I thought we were just asking, like, questions.
Go sit down.
Basic duties of the maid of honor?
Manage the bridesmaids, hold the ring, support the bride.
Basic duties as you as the maid of honor?
Show that I've matured, that I can take care of my responsibilities...
...and that I need to destroy from within.
- What happens if you fail at that task? - Colin gets her.
What are we gonna do? Steal the bride.
- What are we gonna do? - Steal the bride!
Steal the bride!
Remember, whether it's helping with the seating chart...
...or giving an opinion on the cake...
...the perfect made of honor is with her bride...
...every step of the way.
You didn't have to clear your day to do all this.
Are you kidding? Of course I did.
The perfect maid of honor is with his bride every step of the way.
A changed man.
I am, indeed.
- I don't even know where to begin. - When choosing your china patterns...
...you need to think about entertaining...
...what sort of foods you wanna cook.
Here, look. Now, don't be afraid to mix and match.
It's important, even with different styles and textures.
What you wanna do is stir up the table.
Make it come alive with color and finesse.
That is the goal.
All so, at the end of the day, you will find...
...connections.
Thank you very much.
Let's go. If you think I'm good with plates, wait till you see linens.
- Lingerie, perfect. - What about the linens?
Help pick something for the wedding night.
- No. - Are you crazy?
You're the perfect person for this job.
Who's taken off more lingerie than you?
Let's put your whoring to good use.
Good point.
So how did it go with the Scottish Grand Council?
Great. Colin got them to approve everything.
Great.
So I gotta tell you, I know this is gonna sound funny...
...but I have to thank you.
For what?
Well, for asking me to be your maid of honor.
Yeah. I know this is gonna sound crazy...
...but you've really opened my eyes to the whole idea of marriage.
- Right. - No, seriously.
Have you met someone, Tom?
- No. - Well, then how can you be serious?
I don't know. I just...
I don't know.
What do you think? You think Colin will like it?
No. No.
- It's just... - What?
It's cute.
"Cute"? I do not wanna look cute on my wedding night.
Just put this on. Cover yourself up.
Oh, hey. That's my coat.
- Thank you. Yeah. - Thank you.
Here, let me get you in a cab. Watch...
I can't believe this is my last day in New York.
What are you talking about?
I've been meaning to tell you, Tom.
When I leave tomorrow, I'm not coming back.
I've decided to move to Scotland to be with Colin.
- You're leaving New York? - I am.
It's exciting, you know, and it makes sense.
He's next in line to take over the family business and...
It's a whole new chapter.
You were amazing today, you know that?
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I had no idea you could juggle like that.
- Yeah, well... - I mean, women, yes, china, no.
- Yeah, I know. - You're always amazing.
Come.
- I'll see you in Scotland soon, okay? - Yeah, I'll see you over there.
I'll miss you.
Scotland.
Come, baby.
- Hi there. - Hi.
Hey.
- Nice dogs. - This is Hamish and this is Callum.
- Callum? Callum. - Yeah.
- What dog is that? - He's a Scottie.
A Scottie.
That's perfect. Fucking Scottie.
I've never felt like this before. So hopeless.
So tell me again why you agreed to be the maid of honor.
To be with her. Make her happy.
Figure out some way to get her off of him.
Maybe that was all wrong. Maybe he's better for her than me.
He's Scottish, he can dunk, he's perfect.
Nobody's perfect.
Although I tell you, this whiskey comes damn close.
It was a gift from Colin. He made it.
Swell.
I can't go. I can't watch Hannah marry this guy.
She's moving to Scotland, I've lost her.
- Crap. - If you love something, set it free.
Said by a pussy and used by pussies ever since.
Casablanca. Bogie puts her on the plane.
- Pussy. - Bogie's a pussy?
Big pussy.
You know, I've only truly been in love once.
The most amazing woman in the world.
She was my best friend.
But I was young, stupid, and I messed it up.
My great list of mistakes, that was the greatest.
- Who was this? - Your mother.
And when I finally realized how stupid I was, I decided to fight for it...
...but I was too late.
She wouldn't take me back.
And she was right.
And then it really was too late.
By the way...
...l'm getting another divorce.
Oh, Pop.
Hey. Go and get her, you pussy.
What about the dresses?
UPS is delivering tomorrow morning. I gave you the tracking number.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Okay, so Colin and Hannah are gonna meet everyone at the house.
Okay, great.
- Thomas. - Yeah.
- Go get them, maid of honor. - Yeah.
Make this the perfect wedding.
And steal the bride.
Thanks, guys. Thanks. Thanks for everything, man.
- Thank you so much, all right? - All right, baby.
All right, all right, all right. Get out of here. I'll see you later.
- This is like a fairy tale. - Hannah is so lucky.
- I know. - I wish I was her.
How she ever found such a great guy...
- We'll come visit her. - All the time.
Hey. Hey.
What's your name?
You're a pretty dog. Oh, I love you.
- That's his house? - No. Is this the summer house?
The McMurrays have homes for each season.
This summer home is the smallest.
They also have an autumn home, winter home, spring...
I know the seasons, buddy.
Somebody's richer than you, Tom.
I guess you gotta go invent something even stupider.
The entire castle was actually built in 1220 in the 13th century.
- This is incredible, isn't it? - But around the 7th...
Grandma Pearl, Joan, this is my mother, Dierdre...
...and my father, Mungo.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
Nice to meet you, Joan. Nice to meet you. Welcome.
I want you to meet someone who is special to my Hannah...
...and has been a lifelong friend, and now her maid of honor: Tom.
Yes.
Did he just say he's the maid of honor?
He's a bloke.
- How do you do? - Very good, thank you.
- Mungo. - Mungo, pleasure. Thank you.
Definitely gay.
Oh, and these are the bridesmaids:
Hilary, Stephanie and Melissa.
- How do you do? - Oh, hello.
- Hi. - Nice that you could come.
How do you do?
- So, what do you think? - I think they think I'm gay.
- What? - Can we get together?
Talk, catch up?
Tom, Tom, do you wanna see your chamber?
- I'd love to. Thank you. Thank you. - Follow me.
Thank you.
Now, then.
I think just a few more sprigs of gypsophila at the front there.
Lovely.
What do you guys think?
- Oh, it is gorgeous. - You look amazing.
- It is so pretty. - With the veil...
- It's so shiny, it's gorgeous. - It's you.
What do you think?
Of?
The hair. Yeah, it...
This sash will go on the dress.
- Really? - Tradition.
What's up with the hair?
Well, I'm not entirely sure that...
No, you see, it's attached up here with a lovely big...
You're the maid of honor. It's good to just be supportive...
- I'm supportive. - I don't think you are.
- I think I am. - No, listen to me.
No, you're doing great, you're doing great.
Hannah.
Actually, you know, your hair looks amazing.
- Really? - Yes.
The games will be starting soon. Here are your costumes.
Games?
- Costumes. - Our costumes?
What do you mean "games"?
Oh, the Highland Games.
It's a tradition in honor of the wedding.
It goes right back to the time when the groom had to prove...
...that he was man enough to deserve the bride.
If he didn't win, he didn't get the bride.
No problem for my Colin.
Welcome, one and all, to the Highland Games.
Men have traveled from all four corners of this great country...
...to compete in feats of strength and agility.
But only one warrior will be man enough to claim the bride.
One competitor who needs no introduction...
...is our very own Colin McMurray.
- Doesn't my Colin look handsome? - Coming up the rear...
...all the way from America, Hannah's maid of honor, Tom...
...who I think you'll agree...
...is wearing a rather fetching wee minikilt.
Who was in charge of that?
I have no idea.
Yeah, you're sexy!
Everybody giving their all.
And we're running neck and neck.
A Scotsman against a Yank.
Ladies and gentlemen, the result of today's Highland Games...
...rests upon the caber toss.
The competition is down to two competitors.
- A tree. We're tossing a tree? - Yeah.
What a toss.
- Way to go, Colin. - He's strong.
Well, then, Tom. Let's see what you're made of.
The whole competition rests on this throw.
Look alive, lassie.
Come on, Tom. Oh, gosh.
Okay, I can do this. I can do this. Okay, here we go.
Okay. Okay, okay. I got it.
Okay. Okay. Here we go. Here we go.
Watch your step. Watch your step. Watch your step.
Oh, dear. That's gonna cost the Yank the girl.
What an ass.
And the winner of the Highland Games is our very own Colin McMurray!
Great, lad! Good on you.
That's great.
Well done, my boy. Well done.
- So cute. - Well done, my boy.
Robert Burns, who wrote that song, is Scotland's most famous poet.
No, Auntie, we haven't had any bairns yet, so we haven't got any names.
Bairns means children.
I'm so sorry, I'm having a hard time understanding your accent.
- Athol. - Excuse me?
It's a name for the children.
- Athol. - Athol.
Little Athol.
Yeah, no, we won't be naming our child Athol.
Maybe when he's a teenager.
My mother's cousin was the Duke of Athol.
We're a long line of Athols.
Well, maybe we'll keep it in the mix, eh?
Maybe as a middle name?
So, Hannah, do you like the venison?
It's delicious.
Colin shot it. He's a wonderful shot.
Oh, stop, Mom, you'll make me blush.
And this is the moment, I've just remembered.
What moment's that?
When Colin killed the deer. I filmed it.
Right between the eyes.
In fact, everything we are eating this evening, Colin has killed.
- Colin. - To Colin.
In your honor, Hannah.
That is so thoughtful.
I'm so sorry I didn't kill anything for you.
Oh, gosh. What did you get?
Oh, I love chocolate.
Don't... Don't do that.
If you want some...
Here. Give you some.
Okay?
Excuse me. Hi.
Reverend.
Excuse me. Sorry to... There you go.
- A wonderful dinner. - Delighted, Tom.
- And your wife is looking for you. - Oh, thank you very much.
- Nice one. - Cheers.
A little birdie tells me Colin personally slayed...
...each one of these reindeer heads.
- Tom. - You're right.
When I say a little birdie told me, he would've told me, but Colin shot it.
Listen, seriously. Can we go somewhere private and talk?
- It's important. - Yeah.
Shall we go?
Bagpipes.
Oh, my God.
You know, he's been playing the bagpipes...
...ever since he was 3 years old. Practices every night.
- Every night? - Never misses.
What kind of necklace is that?
They're glow-in-the-dark thunder beads.
- Oh, hi, Mom. - I have something for you.
Some evening, huh?
Yes.
This is so you can have a little piece of home with you.
Thank you.
Look at you.
There's you and Melissa.
You were about 5 there.
Oh, do you remember this?
It was taken at the lake when your father broke his arm...
...because of that silly motorcycle of his.
I miss Dad so much.
Me too, sweetheart.
I just wish he could've been here.
He was always so worried I was never gonna meet anyone.
Oh, no, he wasn't.
Oh, that's Paris.
He could be so off-base sometimes.
What?
Well, it's just he was always convinced...
...that you were gonna marry Tom.
Really?
I'll see you in the morning.
Good night, my angel.
It's pulling of a Band-Aid. You just have to close your eyes and do it.
But I just haven't found the right time.
What are you talking about, "right time"?
Any time is the right time to say "I love you. Marry me."
- Right. - Come on, what are you there for?
Take the shot, win the game, and bring her home.
And stop running up my long-distance phone bill with these crazy calls.
Right. Right, right, okay. Thanks, Felix.
You can do this, Tom. You can do this, you can do this.
What's wrong with me? You can do this. You can do this.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, I thought we could go for a walk and work on the vows.
- Good idea. I could use some help. - Yeah.
Good, okay.
- What do you think? - I think a lot of things.
I've been working on them, I think they're getting worse.
At first I went for the emotion, then I thought, what if Colin doesn't?
I tried to be funny. I don't know if Scots...
...have the same sense of humor as Americans.
I'm back to something basic.
- I veered off into something boring. - I'm crazy about you.
I think about you all the time. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
- Really? - Really.
That's so generic.
- Generic? Generic? - Yeah.
- It totally is. - How can that be generic?
It sounds like something to say...
...as opposed to what you're really feeling.
All right, how about...
Nobody in the world makes me laugh the way you do.
You're my best friend.
I just want to be with you.
Look out, look out, look out! There she is! Hannah, let's go!
What is this?
- This is her "taking out." - Her what?
We dress her up and then we parade her around one of the pubs.
- That's weird. - It's tradition.
And then we fill a toilet with salt and we sell your kisses for change.
- Really? They sell your kisses? - Yup.
Come on, it's like a Scottish bachelorette party.
Okay, come on.
All right, let's sell some kisses!
It's her taking out. She's got the breath of an angel.
- Another. - Another.
Thank you!
This is all I have.
- Oh, my gosh, you guys! - What?
Don't drop your pot.
- We have to get more kisses! - Kisses!
- More kisses. - Kisses.
- I can't take it anymore. - What are you doing?
- Let's do it again. For old times' sake. - Don't take that off.
No, Tom, I need to make this up to you.
Don't take this...
- No, I'm really unhappy. - That's fine.
- No, it's okay. - Tom, I'm not happy at all.
And I am in a really, really confusing place...
...in my life right now.
- Confusing? - Listen, I have had some whiskey...
- I can tell. - ...and I need you to service me.
- Service you? Service you? - Service me, bitch!
Service me!
- Be quiet. Be quiet. - You be quiet.
- Get off of me. Just be quiet. - You get down.
- Be quiet. - Be quiet! You be...
Don't! Get off!
Wait! Wait!
Bring me more whiskeys.
Hannah!
It's Tom, let me in. Let me in.
- Go away, Tom. - No, no, no, let me explain.
- It's not what you think. - It doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does. - Just go.
I'll go. Just tell me, why did you come to my room?
Hannah? Why did you come to the room?
To talk about that kiss.
Oh, Hannah.
Please don't... Don't marry him.
- All these years, Tom. - Don't marry him.
All this time. You're doing this now?
- I know. - How can you do this?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just let me in. - No, I can't.
Let me in.
You're only doing this now because you're afraid of losing me.
I need someone who's gonna be there for me...
...no matter what happens.
Someone who truly loves me.
Someone I can trust.
I'm marrying Colin tomorrow...
...Tom.
I can't be your maid of honor.
I can't give you away.
I'm sorry, Hannah.
I'm sorry you and Tom had a fight.
I'm his best friend.
He's just afraid of losing me.
- He'll get over it. - Aye.
- Can you just suck it? Suck it. - Okay, okay. I am.
Suck it in. Breathe in. More.
- Pull it! You can get into it! - Pull it! I'll pull it tighter!
I'll hold, you zip it together. Come on! One, two.
Three!
It didn't...
- Oh, my God, it fits. - It fits!
Oh, it fits! It fits.
Up top.
- Why are we stopping? - Unruly flock.
What?
I remember you.
Hey.
I love you too.
Thank you.
Turn around. I have to go back.
Oh, no.
Shit. Shit! Shit!
Hey! I need another ferry boat.
- We've only got the one ferry. - What?
It's waiting over there for the ceremony to finish.
- Is there another way to get there? - You can drive.
- Drive. How long? - About an hour and a half.
- That's too long. - You can swim.
You can go on foot around the shore. But that would take a wee while.
Foot.
A horse. Horse. Hey, I need your horse.
- My horse? - Yes.
- Hey, come down from there, you. - I need to get to the church.
What do you think you're planning? You'll hurt yourself.
I'll give you 3 cents for every coffee collar used.
Do you have any idea how much money that is?
- Good luck to you. Her name's Nancy. - Thanks. Nancy. Let's go!
Stick to the shoreline.
Past the monument. The church is on the left.
What in the name of the wee man is a coffee collar?
Easy.
Let's just pin these nice pressed pleats.
And it goes across the dress, it looks really beautiful. It's our tartan.
That's it.
Please be seated.
We are gathered here in the sight of God...
Boys, give me your pins. Pins.
- to join together this man and this wo...
This is a celebration of love.
For Colin, it's through the memories of seeing his parents' love as a child.
- It's very nice. - And for Hannah...
...it's through the paintings of Modigliani.
Therefore, if any man can show just cause...
...why they may not be lawfully joined together...
...let him now speak or forever hold his peace.
Tom?
Tom? Tom?
Tom. Tom.
Tom.
Tom. Are you okay?
Yeah, I think so.
Tom, what are you doing here?
- I have to tell you something. - Yeah.
Hannah...
- Your hair looks awful. - It does?
- Yeah. - What?
And the sash...
...it sucks.
Oh, no.
But that hair...
...it's like a co-op for parakeets.
What?
Look, Hannah.
You know, I pride myself on being honest with everybody.
But there's somebody I've been lying to for a very long time:
Myself.
Because the truth is...
Is scary.
And 10 years ago, I got in bed with the wrong girl.
She turned out to be the right one.
I love you, Hannah.
I always have.
And I always will.
Thomas Bailey...
...you are the worst maid of honor of all time.
Oh, no.
I'm...
...so...
...very truly sorry.
I don't expect you to ever forgive me.
Just so you know...
...you are the perfect guy.
Just not the perfect guy for me.
Goodbye, Hannah.
Colin.
What'd she say?
- She said I should deck you. - Yeah, that makes sense.
Asshole.
I do.
And, Tom, do you take Hannah to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
Now, this is the moment.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
At last, you may kiss your bride.
Oh, my gosh.
- Number six? - Seven.
You're absolutely glowing tonight, Grandma Pearl.
Thank you.
It's very nice of you to say so.
What are you doing?
I'm just making sure I got the right girl this time.
You do. Definitely.
Oh, Monica.
Oh, Bill.