This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature
Aaaagh!
< Margaret!
I'm spoiling you. When you have your own home, you won't have time for breakfast in bed.
Don't take forever. We have the guest list to do.
I do wish you'd pull yourself together.
You always seem so far away.
Dreaming about Syl? Who?
BIRDSONG
Dreaming, Mum?
Oh, Syl...
You look like your father.
He was a good man, I suppose. But I don't dream about him.
You know, you mustn't worry.
About what? My marriage.
We've known Margaret all our lives. She's always lived next door.
Now she'll be here just a little bit
more, that's all.
I'm not bringing a stranger into the house. Or even distant cousins. Bit like the Royals, eh?
So, truly, Mum, nothing will change. It will all be the same.
Yes, dear.
Poor Margaret.
Soon, dog, soon.
My bones are cold.
When you're as old as I am your bones will be cold, too.
You're too fat. One of these days you'll burst.
You're too fat. And I'm too old.
And that girl...
And that girl is too quiet.
Ohh, colder than a witch's whatnot! Pardon?
It's just a saying. Oh.
SKIFFLE MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY
Who's he?
You must show me Egypt. Egypt?
On our honeymoon. Yes, if you like.
You must know unusual places. Where? Egypt! Oh.
Off the...um...you know, tourist path. Mmm?
When were you there? Six months ago, hmm?
Then you returned and I proposed.
Jolly good timing that. Yes.
I never did understand why Monica sent you there.
I was born there. Only just.
I remember your father, fresh-faced from the Foreign Office in Cairo, with his wife and baby.
Do you...remember that? Yeah.
It's an amusing club this, isn't it?
Shall we dance?
# Puttin' on the agony Puttin' on the style
# That's what all the young folks is doin' all the while... #
She sent me there. What?
She sent me there to improve my French. Did you?
More or less.
Goodnight, dear.
Aaaaaahhh!
It looks silly. You've lost weight.
It's so white. Of course. Wedding gowns ARE white.
What's the matter with you?
Never known such a miserable bride.
I'm cold, that's all. Cold after Egypt.
Yes, Egypt is warm... Speaking of which, I had a letter from Lili.
They're visiting England... Jump up.
I've invited her to stay for the wedding. And Robert, of course.
He's an artist. Poor Lili... It's years since I've seen her.
They stayed on in Egypt. She's half Egyptian, you know.
Her father was tremendously wealthy until his property was sequestered.
Why are you looking so blank?
Lili. My bridesmaid. My best friend back in Egypt.
I don't remember her.
Lili?
Good heavens. Are they back then?
Robert's got an exhibition.
They'll be staying for a few weeks.
Haven't thought about her in years.
Um...more tea?
My dears!
Ohh, my darling, after all this time! Lili!
So much water under your bridge. It's so good to see you! Monsieur, thank you...
And this would be Margaret.
Little Margaret. Little no more. And SO beautiful.
Congratulations on the big event.
Lili, one congratulates the groom, not the bride. Is it a superstition?
I hope you're doing the right thing. You wish the bride happiness.
Happiness! Good God! One must never expect that from marriage!
An occasional day that doesn't incite you to murder, yes.
That's very heavy. Are you strong? Am I in the same room? Yes, Lili.
Now you must forget I am here, I insist.
You must go on with your
preparations as if you were alone.
I won't even offer to help.
Where's Robert?
Robert's off on gallery business.
He'll be along tomorrow.
I remember the smell of this house.
Fancy that...
I remember you when you were little.
You look tired. Aren't you sleeping?
I sleep too much.
Yes, it sometimes takes one that way.
Silly hag.
I'd forgotten how exhausting she could be.
You know, she was in the sixth form when I first went to school.
And she walked over to me - picked me out, actually -
and punched me in the face.
I knew I'd made a friend.
Of course, she was finally expelled.
Is Syl still as good looking? He plays games. Keeps himself trim. I see. Sweats. He's in his prime.
Aren't we all? Tell Lili what you thought of Egypt.
It was very nice. Ahh. It's always best not to gush.
And your hostess, Marie-Clare, what of her? She was very kind.
Terribly clever. Marie-Clare? I'll accept kind, but never clever.
She was top of the class at school. (She cheated.)
You always did talk nonsense.
She was daft.
She was very kind to you!
There's nothing worse than the ingratitude of a guest!
Mmmm...your lamb looks delicious.
How's your dreaded ex-husband? Oh, Lili.
Is he coming to the wedding? Yes, and his family.
What's the wife like? Nice little thing. Uh-huh.
Her name's Cynthia. Ohhh, urrgh!
No! What?
..Nothing. I was dreaming.
What you need is a couple of babies. That'll stop you dreaming.
Can you believe our luck? Another day!
What do you want for breakfast?
A croissant. Not in Croydon. Coffee, then.
I'm out of coffee beans. Hemlock (?)
Nescafe. Oh, pure joy!
I'm dying to see Syl again.
He'll come this evening. Good. It might cheer you up.
On the other hand, it might not. It isn't any fun, you know.
What?
Being young. I'm short of a chop. Nonsense. You look fine.
For dinner. I only have four. Robert is coming, isn't he?
I'll go and buy you one. It isn't like you to fuss.
I've got so much on my mind. I know. Poor sweet. Margaret will come.
She never leaves the house. Come on, Margaret, we'll practise walking.
I used to walk in Egypt.
How did Syl propose? On his knees?
No. He just asked me to marry him, one night.
And I didn't reply, so we were engaged.
I had forgotten how romantic the English were (!)
Still living with his mother, is he? Yes. At 40.
I think he's either a masochist or, in view of your age, a paedophile.
Let's hope he's a masochist. At night, when you don't fancy anything, it's easy to crack a whip.
I wonder if he wears lace panties. Egyptian men don't as a rule, but the British are a breed apart.
Good morning...
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.
It's like a three-ring circus down at "The Oaks".
Phone calls. Wedding dresses. That Lili leaving her stuff all over...
A bit sloppy, is she? Oh, she's all right.
She shows off a bit, but not so's anyone would mind.
Her husband finally turned up. Ah, yes... Her husband.
Weddings are such a nuisance.
I prefer funerals. Food's better.
Now we'll get olive oil, garlic and pepper. Your cuisine, despite your faith, is so Protestant.
I'll cook an Egyptian meal. Make you feel at home.
LAUGHTER
You shouldn't have given up dancing.
It isn't natural to dance on one's toes. I got tired of it.
People don't fly, they jump. I dislike the artifice.
You're meant to suspend belief. I don't see why.
Anyhow, I wanted to be with Robert. I didn't want to dance the world.
Do you remember when I was dancing round the world? Summer in Fayoum.
I'm so glad I haven't married a successful man.
What a bore it would have been.
I would never have expressed myself. You've always been the same, Lili.
And you, Syl, you've hardly changed.
Well, I take care of myself. Hmm? Feel...
Mmmmm!
I don't know if she's ready. I haven't discussed it.
You don't think she's a virgin, do you? Lili! Surely you don't think Syl...?
Darling, you can be so stupid
sometimes...
SHE LAUGHS
She should wear red for contrast. Oh, God! That's so English!
Never underestimate the power of clothes.
She shall go completely in grey. Pale lipstick and a little powder...
Then she can slip into Bond Street
without looking as though
she came from Croydon.
She does come from Croydon. There's no need to look like it.
Come on, Margaret.
The lighting seems fine.
It will glare.
It won't.
Not if you stand here.
Everyone can't stand there.
Not if you're standing there.
Too much linen is bad for the nerves. We get more every day. Presents.
It's so bland. You need colours. You'll have no room for your clothes.
I have too many clothes, Lili.
A nun only has three habits.
One to wear, one for the wash and one for the wardrobe.
It is possible to look beautiful in a habit.
The habits are blessed during the final vows. I know. Sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you.
Did you know Mother Joseph? A long time ago. When we stayed with Marie-Clare.
Wasted lives. I don't think so. I should have liked to be a nun, but they wouldn't let me smoke.
YOU ! Fine nun you'd make! I suppose. Still, you never know.
It's tea, dog.
Now look what you've made me do... CAR DOOR BANGS
Not in bed yet? No. There's some cake in the pantry.
No, I've eaten. Went to a pub in the City.
Who with? Just a bloke.
Well, actually, a blonde from work.
You needn't say it, "I'm almost a married man. It's time I settled down."
Well, right you are, Mum. I'm going to.
Honestly.
You know, dog, in other cultures,
the aged fling themselves off ice-floes when they're of no use.
But there are no ice-floes in Croydon.
TV IS ON
I'm off to the pub.
Why don't you pop in and see Syl. He'll be studying his briefs (!)
Go on. Perhaps if you're nice,
he'll play you a tune on his oboe.
Ohh, God.
Oh, Lili... What?
I'm marrying a man nobody likes. I thought it was just ME.
Now, listen...
Sometimes there are things you have to do. Sometimes there aren't.
Sometimes other people can make up your mind. Sometimes they can't.
Sometimes you have to grow up. Even old people have to grow up.
Do you think I'm stupid? No.
I think you've lost hope.
The only thing I can tell you
is you must hold on until it comes back.
You mustn't do anything until it does.
But I've got to go through with it now?
Oh, well... Time now. Bed.
'Morning.
Why, Syl, you look SO young today.
Why did you disappear like that?
I won't marry you.
Yes, you will. It's your nerves. Ohh, a little white pony.
Let me go.
I don't love you, Syl.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Did he bite your thumb?
No, I did. You'll ruin your blouse!
What's going on? Greek tragedy. Keep your thumb in your mouth.
You'll end up with pneumonia. Nothing to cry about.
She's not. The cold has made her nose red. You should see ME crying.
Then, you'd know what crying was about. What would YOU cry about?
All living beings have something to cry about. Like what?
Like what? I'll tell you like what.
The winds of solitude roaring at the edge of infinity.
Or the wolves of evil baying down the void. I only bit my thumb.
Try and say something cheerful. I can't think of anything.
The wedding, of course.
We're having canapes, asparagus rose
and vol-au-vents. I feel better (!)
I saved the thumb. It has its uses.
While we're speaking of blood,
you must go to confession. I know.
I like to go to confession straight after the hairdresser's. It makes me feel so complete. Body and soul.
I don't think you've got quite the right idea, Lili.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. When was your last confession?
(No...)
Excuse me, this is between me and God.
A touch Miss Haversham, don't you think?
Nonsense. It's perfect. It looked lovely on me.
Uh-huh. It did, Lili. Everyone said so. Yes, it did.
And if it didn't, no-one would say. Brides are meant to be beautiful.
They so seldom are. All that ghastly lace. All that white.
And those veils don't help.
They make a girl look half-packed. She's got to wear it!
I wore crimson. Wild silk. Cut to here...
Yes. People with red hair should not wear crimson.
I looked wonderful!
I was raised to marry a prince.
But princes went out with the war.
Damn Hitler.
I could do with a whisky.
I hope you're not becoming an alcoholic. She has some way to go.
There! I think it fits.
Don't forget you're having tea with Syl's mother tomorrow.
Syl's mother - I haven't called on her. Ghastly old trout. I'll go with you.
Why aren't you seeing Syl tonight? He's gone out.
Don't you love him?
..'Course I do.
I'll get more hot water.
We should empty the teapot over the old horror's head. Sh.
DOG YAPS
Bugger off!
He was making love to my foot.
Who? The dog.
He's not capable of that. Well, he was thinking about it.
You can read the minds of animals (?)
Some of them, yes. I can read horses like a book.
I don't think the dog really likes me. He's simply overcome with lust.
He's old. Lust doesn't enter into it any more.
Do you ever bore yourself? I just did.
You weren't boring. Yes, I was.
All that nonsense about the dog. Sometimes I say to myself, "Don't say that." But it's irresistible.
I wish I were like you. You are a bit.
You're happy. I have no choice.
Life is awful enough without being unhappy as well.
..Can I tell you something? What?
I can't tell anyone else.
Then, don't. If you have a secret, you must only tell it to an enemy.
If you tell your best friend, inevitably the whole world knows.
It's best to tell a priest.
Unless, of course, you really want to be betrayed.
How did it go? All right.
Perhaps we should ask him to dinner.
Who? Robert's gallery owner.
What a good idea.
Not really.
The gallery can't pull out now.
Just let him try.
The opening will be wonderful.
I shall sell lots, spike the wine and tell people they're beautiful.
Who's beautiful? The people. And the paintings, of course.
You've never SEEN the paintings.
I'm jealous. They're the things you do when you're not with me.
Indeed... I'm going out.
Lovers are even more valuable after they stop being lovers.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
DOORBELL RINGS, DOG BARKS Stop barking. I can't concentrate.
What did I come out for?
Stop barking.
DOORBELL
Oh, the doorbell! Well, why didn't you say so?
I'm coming!
I talk too much. No, you don't. I do.
To myself. Endless chatter. A lot of nonsense.
You should hear Monica. She passes advice about like cucumber sandwiches: homespun advice.
I suppose stupid people are
too stupid to know they're stupid.
More? Of course.
Uh-uh... Thank you.
That girl, Margaret, is anaemic.
My mother used to give me iron tonic. My father's sister loved it.
Your mother was the English one.
Funny you should say that. They called her that - "the English One".
Half and half. What?
I've always been half and half.
It's too hot in Egypt and it's freezing here.
I wonder if Margaret is anaemic.
I think she's a little low-key for anaemia.
I haven't heard from Marie-Clare. Is she really coming?
You stayed with her all that time. She's almost an aunt.
Of course she must come.
Mind you, Egypt's a bit further than Reigate.
Still, she should be here.
And her son.
What's his name? Nour.
Nour...
Margaret!
If you go into a coma every time I mention a name, we'll never get through this list!
KNOCKING
INAUDIBLE
I haven't drunk so much since... Since?
..Since Jack died.
Oh, yes.
I always meant to tell you how sorry I was.
Sorry?
That he died.
Ah.
To tell you the truth, I find it quite pleasant being widowed.
I look forward to it myself.
I never fancied motherhood, though.
Having children makes you, inevitably, one of the herd.
Did Robert want children? Uh-huh.
When he realised I was too old to have any, he was...
Reproachful?
A bit. It's terribly boring.
Poor Robert. What!
Was I a cow to calve for my master?
A box to keep his trinkets in? Certainly not.
I am...mine! Undoubtedly.
Besides, having children is painful.
Absolutely.
# Be it ever so humble...
# There's no place like ho-o-ome! #
LILI GIGGLES
Why are you laughing?
I don't know...I don't know.
It's years since I've been able to say things as they occurred to me.
To a non-canine.
And knowing I would be understood.
Oh, poor you! Woof! Woof!
I know that word... Oh, Syl!
Where have you been? Boozing.
What you call a "knees-up".
Er, yes, Syl...
Yes, it does look strange. At YOUR age!
Fee fie foe fum!
SHE HUMS
Oh, Lili! Lili!
Where are you? Could I have a drink?
Margaret, bring some gin as well.
Remember that party at the yacht club? I danced with the King.
I was wearing lime green. He told me he mended the clock in the hotel with his own hands.
It's true. He was a nice king. My father loved him.
He didn't stay long. He was busy.
Remember we walked home? I didn't. I went home in the Embassy car.
We walked. We went by a house where there'd been a wedding the night before.
Hanging from the window was the bride's nightdress, bloodstained.
The groom had killed her? He'd have killed her if there hadn't been any blood.
Or her own family would have. Stoned her and buried her before she was dead.
Why on earth...? Don't drink too much of that.
You used to drag me to those native cafes. You never ate the salad.
It was just before I met Derek.
Ohh, let's have another drink. Emfadlek!
Hell is the absence of God. Hell is the absence of God.
We drank too much gin last night, after Margaret went to bed.
Winter's getting me down.
I'm desperate for spring. And goats.
There's an absence of goats in Croydon. There's corruption, yes.
Egypt is virginal by comparison.
We were reminiscing about Egypt, Monica and I. Our youth. Before Monica met Derek.
We got smashed and then Monica told me a secret. I HATE secrets.
They have golden devil's eyes, goats. They look intelligent. They most probably are not.
Before Monica met Derek... Dull, grey, pedestrian Derek...
What a hell of a world!
I thought I was the sophisticated one. Poor Monica, married to that lump of a man.
Me, travelling, having affairs
with men in positions Monica never even heard of, and all the time...
I like goats on the ground, actually. Not in trees, not in jumping positions.
When Monica told me I was sworn to secrecy.
Well... (it's the sort of thing you don't want shouted from the rooftops.)
Boring little Derek... (Monica found boring little Derek in Margaret's bedroom one night,
(in a state of...
(What? Of some disarray.)
Does Margaret remember? Monica says not.
She was only four.
Four!
Men!
I have known selfish, boring, distracted women...
but they seem to me to be as much of an exception as kindly, sensitive men.
Men!
Not especially clever...
Jack, for instance.
I was always inclined to view Jack's misdemeanours as on a par with those of the dog. Woof!
Indeed, woof.
You not well? Having a lie down.
That Lili's been here. Been and gone.
Butcher wanted to know who that tart was staying up at "The Oaks".
She is a tart.
I like her, too. Everyone else
up the road is potty. You'd think
there'd never been a wedding before.
I wouldn't care if there never was another one. You worry too much.
I know.
Oh, well... everything will be all right in the end.
'Course.
Hurry!
Margaret!
Doesn't Mum look nice? Don't you think? Yes.
I think I'm looking forward to this.
There we are then. Hello. Right, Mum?
Hello.
There's so many people.
Fancy a drink, Mum? What is there?
A bit of wine? Red? White? White.
SPEAKS IN ARABIC
Fatima, le diner, s'il vous plait.
I found the wine.
No. There might be crocodiles in it.
Il y avait une gitane hier ici. J l'ai chassee. Elle est mauvais cette fils.
- Which girl is bad? - The gypsy. She was here yesterday.
I saw her. She was very pretty. Oh la la...
You like it? Have some wine.
It's Marie-Clare's gate. You think so? Yes.
And Marie-Clare's terrace. And Marie-Clare's bedroom. It's all Marie-Clare.
I don't think so. It's just a gate.
BUZZ OF CHATTER
My child, confusion is a natural state. As is longing.
Neither is irreligious.
By all means, apply to the mother house and perhaps they will accept you as a postulant. Perhaps.
But I caution you about despair.
As, indeed, I caution you about happiness. Egypt is by nature overdramatic.
Every day someone sees God on the river and Satan in an olive tree.
I dispute these solitary sightings. I think of God and Satan as an old couple. They go everywhere together.
Thinking of becoming a nun, eh?
Actually, some of them are quite good and useful, but it's a selfish existence.
No! Like that one, do you?
Are you all right, Margaret?
It's called the Crocodile pool.
Near the house. Marie-Clare's house.
None of the villagers wanted to go near it. They said it had crocodiles.
Nonsense, of course. Robert had a terrible time painting it. How do you know? You weren't there.
One needn't be there to know. Anyway, you told me they were yelling warnings from the fields.
They kept finding bodies in it.
It's not a good idea. >
Egypt is not a good idea. What?
It's been unusually hot. Unsuitable.
I heard rumours of cholera and all manner of nasty things.
Poor Marie-Clare. I do worry about her. And germs.
Bournemouth. I don't understand. Egypt is no good for your honeymoon.
We'll go to the seaside instead. Oh. Good.
No cholera in Bournemouth... yet (!)
I've paid for the tickets. I hope I didn't spoil last night.
Not YOU.
Not sure I'll get a refund.
Was the exhibition a success? Yes.
How do you know? You left early. It was a conspicuous success.
It did exhaust me, however. I felt like the little one here, I'm sure.
So, I came home.
We were looking for you. Oh, sorry. I was in bed.
..Perhaps they'll return half the purchase price.
Liar.
IN LATIN
Now try and be nice to him. And DO try and concentrate.
I realise there's things we haven't discussed. Men things.
But if a man looks into your eyes, he'd prefer it if they were open.
And, above all, please, please try not to faint.
Syl will put his back out picking you off the floor. Plenty of time to drift off after you're married.
WHISTLES TUNELESSLY
No! What?
..I'm so sorry.
DOG SNORES
It's nice here in the autumn.
SYL CHEWS NOISILY
I came here with your father.
For God's sake, use a spoon. You're not three. Sorry, Mummy.
LOUD WAILING
No. Yes!
What do you think of her, Mum? Talking to herself.
Shall we risk the trifle?
You look awful!
I've been to lunch...
I long for an absence of feeling.
Right. Now you're going to have a lie-down.
This bloody wedding.
You've been overdoing it, galivanting all over the place.
You're no spring chicken. This wedding will be the death of you.
This wedding is ridiculous.
I know, I know. But don't YOU worry your head about it.
It'll be all right, you'll see.
The optimism of others is always irritating.
My mum overdid it, as well. Now she's in a jar.
Perhaps she should go away for a while. Who? Margaret.
She's been away. She come back more limp than before.
And you can take your hat off. Have I got it on?
(How was lunch?)
I'm frightened of growing old.
Well, it's that or die.
You actually don't have to go along with it.
You must wear false eyelashes
and never, ever sit on a park bench
with someone your own age.
You must try not to grow worse. Variety lapses as you get older.
I always wanted to die young, but now it's too late.
I'll have a Martini. Margaret? Yes, please.
You shouldn't need this. Not at YOUR age. I know.
How was lunch? Did you hear from Marie-Clare? Yes, I'm afraid she can't come to the wedding.
I don't want to marry Syl. Oh, don't be silly. I don't!
Look... I want to be a nun. Every girl wants to be a nun before her wedding.
Changing your mind now. You don't want to be left on the shelf.
A girl doesn't get many chances.
Suppose we all get drunk?
Margaret has only got pre-wedding nerves. Let's have supper in Soho.
What about the food? It keeps.
But Margaret has already been out for lunch. She can go out twice.
But what about Robert? Robert?!
Robert is fine. Robert is painting. I don't know where Robert is.
Robert will be all right.
Let's go some place rather farouche.
Some place we won't see anyone we know.
Well...perhaps it will cheer you up.
All together now, one, two, three...
# Keep your mind on the driving
Keep your hands on the wheel
Keep your eyes on the road ahead
# We're having fun,
sitting in the back seat,
Kissin' and a-huggin' with Fred! #
Lili! Oh, what the hell!
SHE HUMS ALONG WITH RADIO
It doesn't look terribly clean.
Perhaps we should have brought Mrs Raffald to dust (!)
Actually, it was recommended. They do delicious moules marinieres.
It has a certain character.
Places with character usually have cockroaches!
Wasn't that...? Who? I could have sworn that was Syl.
Where? At the door.
He looked straight at me, then went out again.
I think he works somewhere round here. Perhaps it was him.
Well, why would he...? Why are you laughing?
Perhaps he had a secret assignation.
No. I must have been mistaken. The light's none too good in here.
I hope they don't have mice.
Margaret is too young for Syl.
She's not at all mature. She isn't ready to be married.
And she doesn't love him, Lili.
Quite the contrary.
What is to be done about it?
Speak to Monica.
You can't speak to Monica. She doesn't listen.
Besides, it was her idea.
Speak to Syl? He told me he thinks Margaret has bagged her fires.
Oh, Lili! It would be a disaster. A disaster!
Most marriages are, but this would be an absolute disaster.
..I don't know why I didn't tell you before.
I tell most people most things without a moment's hesitation,
and I didn't tell you this. What?
Margaret wants to be a nun.
A nun.
I see...
So, Margaret really isn't in a position to marry anyone
without incurring the wrath of God.
And you know what He's like!
When I was visiting Marie-Clare before we came away, I went to the convent. I know Mother Joseph well.
She said she'd been sorry to see Margaret go, but she'd eat her wimple if Margaret didn't return.
There'd been some trouble, Margaret wanted to get away, but she wouldn't tell me what it was.
Neither would Marie-Clare... But then, Marie-Clare wasn't about to tell me anything.
She thought I didn't know about her affair with Robert. Robert?!
Good heavens! Silly cow! As though I couldn't have stopped it if I'd wanted to.
She wrote to Monica she can't come to the wedding because she's busy.
She means she doesn't want to face ME.
And just as well if there isn't going to be a wedding.
There'd better not be.
And this...
is my present for the bride.
Oh, Syl, what is it?
Well, open it, Margaret.
Well, I will, then.
Oh...how lovely.
I know this one was your favourite.
We can hang it in the bedroom where you can see it when you wake up.
DOOR BANGS
You weren't long. Um...Margaret was tired.
Did she like the picture?
Yes, I think so.
You don't sound too sure.
I'm sure she liked it.
PIERCING SCREAMS
Tu dois m'aider tout de suite.
Les chacals vont venir cette nuit et ils lecheront le sang! In English!
Help me. I don't understand!
The jackals will come tonight and lick up the blood.
Do not want to know.
Learn this lesson, this lesson of river.
Do not ever want to know.
Well, here we all are.
Good. Nice to see you.
And you must be Caroline? Cynthia.
I'm sure you're right. Ah, you've brought a beachball (!)
And these are Cain and Abel. Christopher and Jennifer.
That may well be. Derek. Cynthia.
I've put you in the blue room.
Thank you.
Broken toys and mud bring back memories.
Bring Christopher's you-know-what. Won't do jobbies without it.
What a revolting thing to say. She must be unbalanced.
Oh, you are wicked.
I do adore having you here, Lili.
Those dreadful children! Ohh.
I'm sorry they're making such a mess, Mrs Raffald.
She has no luggage, you know. Brought EVERYTHING in paper bags.
So lowering.
By the way, how's your cactus doing?
My cactus?! Hmm. In the summer house.
Is it about to bloom?
Not at this time of year!
It may. For the wedding.
Don't be foolish. There is an old saying:
there can be no more auspicious portent on a wedding day than the blossoming of the cactus.
Where did you hear that? In Egypt.
We thrive on pre-Moses gossip.
I'm quite serious, mark my word.
Don't drink in front of your father.
Come on, I've been a good girl. I came with my homework.
I stole these from Derek's children. What...?
Sit down... Ohh. You could help me.
What do I do? Twist.
Not so much.
What are we making?
It's a surprise.
Decorations. Flowers for the wedding.
The wedding...
Oh, Lili!
Much as I don't want to see my son married to a woman who dislikes him,
it's Margaret I'm worried about.
But there WON'T be a wedding.
But we've left it so late. What can we do?
Some things happen only at the last minute.
Things don't happen before they happen, do they?
Lili, that makes no sense, but I almost believe you.
Twist.
# Sugar in the mornin', Sugar in the evening,
# Sugar at suppertime... #
Well, tomorrow's the day, old girl. Can I have a drink? Absolutely. And you, Corinne? Cynthia!
Of course. Syl?
Yes, go on, you can stroke him. They don't like thingumajigs.
I could have sworn it was a dog.
He's too old to bite.
I've been stuffing duck all day. Time has just flown!
Tomorrow's the day, old man.
Jolly good. Too much preamble.
Better have an
early night tonight, eh?
Ho-ho...
It's better than stuffing turkey.
Pardon?
Smaller breasts...ducks.
Another drink, please, Lili.
Another bottle? I'll get one.
Please, go back inside.
I'd rather stick needles in my eyes.
Robert, behave. Not ever again.
Lili, behave. Not ever again.
Well, how's the mother of the groom?
Tomorrow's the day. Good old Syl. Keeps it in the family.
Ahhh! Oh, goodness. I'm so sorry. A touch of the palsy.
I'm not behaving well. I'm bordering on hysteria.
I can't bear to look at Derek. He's evil. His wife's a goose.
Monica's a fool. Margaret's drunk.
The old are powerless. Monica might as well be stuffing me!
(You have my word. It will not happen.)
You missed a lovely service.
Say hello to Father O'Flynn.
Morning, Father. Hello.
It's the big day, old girl.
Tea? Whisky.
She'll have coffee!
It's out. What's out? The cactus, darling.
It can't be! It's out. It showed no sign yesterday.
But it's out today.
I must see. Finish your breakfast.
Then, all come to the summer house. It's something to savour.
You can toast it with champagne. What?
My winter-flowering cactus. It's a sign of good fortune for the wedding.
Bring the children...
And you must come, as well. It is, after all, for YOU.
(Put on your dress.)
Oh, my...!
I'm very excited.
OOHS AND AAHS
Isn't she beautiful?
Now, is everybody ready? Where's Lili? The summer house. She went there ages ago...
Isn't she beautiful? The cactus! Oh, everyone, come and see it!
It is winter, so it's a bit of a miracle.
I like a miracle!
Me, too.
Lili!
EGYPTIAN MUSIC
'It took many years to realise I was forgiven.
'When I listen to the convent bells and the cry from the minaret,
'and I look at the lilies, I feel a sense of gratitude.
'For, surely, to make a great fool and spectacle of oneself for the sake of another is a martyrdom.
'I've long ceased attempting to follow the processes by which God works out His purpose,
'but I know He sent me Lili.
'For who but He, or she, could have conceived of a wedding present so original as that scene that day?
'The fact that she enjoyed it seems immaterial.'