-[birds chirping] -[Katie sighs]
-[bike bell ringing] -[kids giggling]
Hey, kids.
What's wrong?
Nothing, I just, I still feel like this
is a lot of house for two people.
Well, who says it only has to be the two of us.
-[upbeat music] -Let's get started.
[Katie giggling]
[Katie] John.
Yeah?
Come in here.
Okay, be right there.
I think this batch is contaminated
with a wild yeast infection.
Oh, I'll give you a wild yeast inf-- no.
I think you did one time.
Here we go. Come on.
Is this one of these blue plus things?
No, it's one of the digital ones.
[test beeping]
[Katie sighs]
It's okay. It's okay.
It's no big deal.
Look, we're gonna get pregnant.
I know it. I can feel it.
-I promise you, all right? -Mm-hmm.
-I love you. -I love you, too.
And look at the bright side, you get to get hammered at the wedding.
-Oh. -[doorbell ringing]
Yeah, that's almost exactly the same.
So, tell me the good news.
Negative.
What?
[organ music]
[John] Did you tell your mother
you're taking a pregnancy test?
[Katie] She memorized my ovulation schedule.
[John] Oh, yeah, sure, that's normal.
Again?
How is that possible?
Oh, my God, I don't wanna talk about it.
Are you using the ovulation strips that I bought you?
Okay, not here.
I just want you to know that
I've been praying to St. Rita for you both.
Do you know who St. Rita is, Johnny?
Hm?
No, I don't know who that is.
She's the patron saint of impotence.
-What now? -Impotence.
Jeez.
-Okay. -Bird, I am not impotent.
-Okay. -Never have been, I never will be.
-Rock hard, every time. -Oh, take it down, please
That's the problem because I have to take it down.
-It's always up. -Okay. She's my mother and--
-Can you tell her? -Yeah, rock hard, every time.
St. Rita is the patron saint
of infertility, not impotence.
Anyway, just remember that your dad, God rest his gentle soul,
you know, he died without ever knowing
if his bloodline would continue.
That is a terrible thing to say.
I just wanna be able to hold a grandchild
-before I die, that's it. -Okay, well, look...
[organ music]
Where does she think she is?
[John] Is she chewing gum?
Yikers, aye, what is she wearing?
Oh, a tip I forgot to give you earlier.
Next time after you're done, um, performing
you should raise Katie's hips in the air.
That's what I did. That's how she was conceived,
'cause we raised my hips in the air and then that way
gravity pulled his semen right into my uterus.
-All right, thank you, Bird. -Oh, my God.
We'll just have her do a handstand, how's that?
Well, it's just helpful. It's just a helpful thing.
Looks like Uncle Paulie is going
to kill somebody right now.
Actually, I think he's doing pretty well...
considering her situation.
-What situation? -Come on, you heard.
Young couple, short engagement.
[humming]
She's pregnant?!
So now you know.
[upbeat music]
I used to babysit Jill.
Babysit her.
And now she's pregnant before me. I just...
Oh, forget it.
-Sorry, um. -No.
Just tell me something good.
Well, for one, you're super hot.
You looked beautiful tonight.
And second... I stole three bottles of champagne
-from the bar. -Ooh.
[groovy music]
Don't touch my stuff.
What the...
[thudding]
Hey, hey.
Could your kids maybe not break everything in my garage?
Oh. Kids, knock it off.
[speaking Spanish]
What they'd say?
Uh... He said he's very sorry
and she said she loves her uncle very much.
You have no idea what they said, do you?
No.
[Maria] I feel terrible.
We're totally invading your house, aren't we?
-Huh? -We're ruining your cozy Sunday.
Oh stop it, we love it when you guys come visit.
Say, how's the software update comin'?
That's why you're here,
-you're checking up on me. -What?
No. Just making small talk with my little bro
and getting a lot of heat from the higher ups.
You know, we've presold a lot of this software John, so.
I got a few more tweaks to make, and then I'll give it to you, all right?
All right.
What the hell are you wearing, by the way?
Right? My new motorcycle jacket.
-You love it. -I don't.
-You don't own a motorcycle. -Not yet.
But after this month's commission check I will.
Gordon, you had training wheels until you were 13.
John, don't worry about me, bro.
Huh, I got the best helmet money can buy
and I gotta take a state mandated safety course.
You gotta see this hog I got. Loud pipes save lives.
I hate motorcycles. I hate everything about them.
I mean, he's really gonna do that though?
I dunno, I guess.
Didn't he somehow break a leg playing poker.
Last month he found a gray peepee hair.
Every since, he's been acting really crazy.
Just wanna back up, a peepee hair?
Yeah, let's not talk about it.
This big... oh, I can't.
It's weird that I can picture that
-more than the motorcycle riding. -Yeah, I know.
Look, I'm not trying to stress you out,
but you're the best developer we've got, John.
-What is that? -This is my new India Pale Ale.
Took me a few batches, but I think I got it.
This IPA is gonna be the premier beer
when I open up the brewery.
-What do you think? -No.
What do you mean no? What's the problem?
The flavor's weak. How many IBUs is this?
-65. -Oh.
You look so cute in your little pink nighty, like a little baby girl.
It's supposed to be between 80 and 100 IBUs, man.
I'm trying to make session beers.
I'm trying to make beers that people can drink and enjoy and
have maybe more than one without their faces melting off.
People want hoppy IPAs, John.
-West coast style, that's what sells -Oh, yeah?
You know what, those people are morons.
I should be happy for Jill, but I'm-- I can't,
I'm just, I'm so jealous.
I hate that about myself.
You just need to relax.
You're never gonna get pregnant if you're stressed out.
You need a vacation.
You should go camping.
Camping's pretty stressful.
I mean, that feels like a really stressful...
Camping.
That's a sleeping bag baby?
Perfect butterfly.
-[kids screaming] -[speaking Spanish]
[Maria groaning]
-Here. -No, I'm so, I'm so--
-Take it. -Okay.
-You use hop oil? -No, I did not use hop oil.
You're kid-- You need hop oil for an IPA, John.
No, it's against the laws, everybody knows that.
-Says who? -The Reinheitsgrebot!
Those are 500 year old German beer laws, who cares?
The laws state the proper techniques
and ingredients to ensure quality.
Unless it follows the law, it's technically not a beer.
Well, you're technically a dork.
I mean, I love you, but you're a dork. I'm not drinkin' that.
As a women, this is the one thing I'm supposed
to be able to do and I can't do it.
I mean, that need to nurture, to be a mother.
That is, that's something... God,
it's something I've wanted my entire live.
Have you thought about adoption?
Yeah, we're on a list, but I dunno,
it'll be years before there's an opening.
And plus, we're just, we're not ready to stop trying.
Have you seen a fertility doctor?
Those procedures seem so... invasive.
You're just afraid of getting a shot, you big baby.
No, that's, that's, that's very true. Ew.
So, go see a doctor and if it doesn't work out,
-I'll give you one of my kids. -Oh okay.
-She up for grabs? -Not her,
but I could get you a sweet deal on Dougie.
[kids yelling]
[Katie] Ooh, hard pass.
Whatcha doin'?
[John] Oh, just finishing up some work. What's goin' on?
I wanna go to a fertility doctor.
Oh, now?
-I think they might be closed. -Okay.
No, I've been doing some research and I really think
this is the answer we've been looking for.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I found this doctor
and he's supposed to be the best.
Well, does our insurance cover it?
Yeah.
-Is it safe? -Yeah.
I mean, look, I'm not thrilled about this either,
but we've gotta face the facts.
What we've been doing, it's not working.
Do you think we've been doing it wrong?
You know, we should try reverse cowgirl.
I think that might help us and solve all of our problems.
-I'm being serious. -I am, too.
-Don't you still want a baby? -Yes, of course I do.
Okay, then I think this is our last chance.
I'm gonna turn 35 this year and my uterus
is gonna shut down like Chernobyl.
No, it's not.
We've been trying to get pregnant
since we got married. That's--
that's five years without so much as a blip.
What if there's something wrong with me?
There's nothing wrong with you.
You don't know that.
Come on, this is really important to me.
I need you to get on board.
Okay.
-All right. Make the appointment. -Okay.
We'll hear what the doctor has to say.
This amazing doctor.
And then if it doesn't work we really need to try reverse cowgirl.
Are you really hung up on this reverse cowgirl?
-I don't why you -I think it's great.
You're facing north, I'm facing north,
but you're going in front of me.
[Katie] I don't wanna look at your feet.
-[John] Look up. -[Katie] I can't look up,
I'll lose my focus and I could-- I could hurt you.
As you're both very much aware,
there are limits to manual conception.
Nature is a capricious, often times,
perplexing force that can benefit
from the helping hand of modern science.
But before I get into any specifics,
I wanna ask you a question.
It's a question I ask all my potential patients.
Are you both prepared to do what it takes to have a baby.
-Yeah. -Mm hm.
[chuckling]
Let me tell you a story.
On his famed March to the Sea,
General William Tecumseh Sherman
presented an ultimatum to the citizens of Savannah.
Should I be forced to resort to assault, he warned them,
I shall then feel justified in resorting
to the harshest of measures, and shall make little effort
to restrain my army, now burning to avenge
the national wrong of dragging our country into civil war.
So I'm gonna ask you both again.
Are you prepared to do what it takes to have a baby?
-Yes. -Yes, yes.
Great.
Katie, let's talk about your uterus.
Sure.
My 40 plus years of practicing medicine,
I've seen a wide range of uteri and yours,
is one of the finest specimens I've ever seen.
Really?
-It's a real showstopper. -Oh, okay.
-I think I'm blushing. -I knew that,
I always told her that.
So, if it's such a showstopper,
then why can't I get pregnant?
Well, I think we have to be open to the option
it may not be you that's having the problem.
John, when did you last have a sperm analysis?
I'm sorry, what?
You can not use any lubrication and all
the specimen must make it into the receptacle.
Wait a minute, I have to masturbate into this?
You bet you do.
If any of the specimen is not into the receptacle,
you will have to produce another, but with others waiting
you'd have to go to the end of the line.
There's visual aids in there, I picked 'em out myself.
They're pretty good.
Titty Bonanza.
Gym.
What's the other one?
Oh, one's called Dad.
-When you're done, bring the specimen to the nurse's desk. -[softly] Come here, come here,
-come here, come here. -[Katie] What, what, what, what, what?
I have to jack off into this and I don't know
if I can do it, I don't know if I can perform.
What do you mean perform, it's not karaoke.
It's like Tupperware where you store
like mashed potatoes or something.
-I can't do this. -Of course you can.
-I'm not feelin' it -I don't understand why you can't do it.
[John] I don't feel sexy.
You don't feel-- I'm sorry, you don't feel sexy?
Just look at all guys sitting over there.
You're not gonna be with these guys.
-I know. -You're going in a different room,
-they're not gonna be there. -I just don't know.
It's there, it's a large opening.
-Is there a problem? -Hm?
No, no, no, no.
He's just having a little, [chuckles]
a little case of the old stage fright.
So...
If it helps, we do allow wives to assist.
Oh.
[latch clicking]
[John] All right, let's just get this over with
-as soon as possible. -Oh, I don't know.
This is like the set of a Saw movie.
Oh, oh.
-Yeah, Dad. -It's there.
-It really is a video called -Dad. Oh, here we go, let's just.
Okay, all right, what do you need from me?
You want me to take my shirt off or my pants or?
-Give me a hand job. -Okay, copy that.
-Whoa, wait. -I'm sorry, they're cold.
-Blow in. -Oh yeah, Mr. Miyagi it.
Okay, just make a fire really quickly.
Camping.
-Okay. -Oh, yeah.
Can you not look at me like that.
-Like what? -You look like, like a Christmas elf.
Like, giving me a hand job, it's just a little awkward.
Okay, okay.
-[phone ringing] -All right.
Oh, I'm sorry. I know, I know.
-You have to be kidding me. -No, it's work.
I am supposed to be in a meeting right now.
-Let me just ignore it. -You are in a meeting.
It's a very important meeting.
Okay, well, I'm sorry. What can I do to make it...
-Talk dirty to me. -Talking dirty.
-Say somethin' nasty. -Dirty talking' comin' at ya.
Here we go. You are doin' such a great job.
I am so proud of you and you are just--
I'm, you're such a-- you're a good person.
-Thank you, honey. -A plus.
Thank you for all the encouragement,
-but I'm not building a deck. -Is that good?
Okay, I see how it is.
Now say something dirty.
Something nasty. Call me something.
-Yes, uh, I think I got it. -Turn me on.
[Irish accent] You are a mighty steed.
Oh, you got the dirty leprechaun thing, okay.
Yes, and I am a fertile mare and I'm just galloping
through a wind blown field and you're comin' up
after me and ya mount me...
-Weird, but... -...and ya get behind me.
-And you stick it in. -Oddly effective.
-Is that good or is it bad? -I kinda liked it.
-Yeah, it's good. -Okay, we're going tighter.
-We're going a little tighter. -Oh.
-Okay, we good, we got it. -Oh, oh.
-You're the stead. -Oh.
-Plant your seed. -Oh, oh.
Nasty little leprechaun.
-I'm comin' for my pot of gold. -[John moaning]
Get it in the Tupperware.
Oh, hey, Danica, could I get your help with something?
Uh, yes, very quickly, I'm late for a meeting.
Okay, I'm just new to this accounting software,
-so I was just wondering -What do you need?
-Our payables. -Oh yeah,
if you just search by invoice date,
then you can just tab through.
-Oh, okay, yeah, that is easy. -It's easy.
Great.
Ah, sorry, one more thing.
Do we always wait 30 days to pay our invoices?
-Yes, always. -Huh, whose dumb idea was that?
-[stutters] -Uh, mine. We wanna show as much
cash on the books as possible.
Yes, it's just that, um,
the vendors give us a 2% discount
if we pay in 10 days.
I mean, that's like lending money at 36% a year.
No, that can't be right.
Well, yeah, it's 36.7 to be exact,
but what are our 210 Net 30 payables?
-For which time period? -This month.
Company wide, about 4.6 million.
So, if we actually paid 20 days early,
then we would be saving $92,000 a month, which would
then turn out to roughly, like, $1.1 million a year.
-You're new here, right? -I am first week.
Great, well, I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but let's not try to reinvent the wheel, okay?
Yeah, copy that.
You're the CFO, I'm just the controller.
[Danica] Sounds like we're on the same page then.
That's great.
I'm smarter than she is. That's fine.
Dude, dude, where have you been, I've been lookin' for you all morning.
I know, I know. The code blew up the entire system in testing,
-but I'm gonna fix it -No, no, no, that's not it.
They sold the company.
What? Who? When?
Over the weekend.
And that's not all.
I got a promotion.
-Yeah. -Wow, that's great.
But, uh, they let the entire IT department go.
What?
That's your department.
-Yeah, I know dickhead. -Oh, okay.
So, anyway, you're fired, but that's not my call.
It's not my call.
You quit your job?
Oh, no, no, no, no, even better.
I got fired.
Ah, and what about Gordon?
They made him VP of sales.
Katie, do you see how wonderful this is?
They gave me a severance package.
That combined with what I've been saving,
I can focus all of my energy on the brewery.
[stutters] I'm very, I'm very happy for you.
What, what is it? What's wrong?
I'm not, I don't, okay, I don't wanna be like
a wet blanket here, but we are barely making ends meet with two incomes.
I mean, we've got credit card debt and mortgage and car payments.
I'm not saying that you can't open the brewery,
-but, I mean... -But?
We need another income.
Oh, Katie, I cannot get another IT job.
I mean, this brewery is gonna take all my time. It's a full time gig.
Okay, I'm not even saying you need to get like a job, job.
But just something part time,
something to keep our heads above water.
Like what?
Honda?
You my driver?
Yeah, that's me, I'm your driver.
Sweet.
Didn't think it was gonna be a piece of shit Honda.
I apologize.
All right, dude, flip a bitch, hop on the 10,
get off on Lincoln, I'll give ya a holler when we get there.
-All right, what's the address? -I wanna go home.
-What? You don't wanna go home. -No, I wanna go home.
-What are you talkin' about? -What's her address?
-She wants to go home. What's her address? -What?
Don't worry, it's my girlfriend, bro, she does this all the time.
You're comin' to my house. We're goin' to my house.
Get on the 10, what did I-- hey, whoa.
She's your girlfriend, huh?
[man] Yeah, my girlfriend.
Yeah, what's her last name?
All right, I'm gonna take her home. You get outa my car.
I'm not gettin' outta your car, dude.
Step on the gas. Hang on.
Come on, dude, we're gonna have a...
God, here we go again.
-Listen, who pays the bills? -Get out.
-I pay them. -Get outta my car.
Now he's getting mad at me.
We're still goin' to Tera and Bucks.
Just give me a second.
-Oh! -[chuckling]
Let's go, bro.
I'll whoop your fuckin' ass, dude.
You think you're big.
Let's go, big man, come on.
Hello. [laughs]
All right.
Oh, big day.
[humming]
Don't mind if I do. Twice.
Katie, what are you doing?
Just getting a little snack.
Sorry, maybe nobody told you.
This is the Working Moms lunch.
We meet the first Wednesday of every month.
Oh, that's... exclusive.
-Hi. -Hi there.
Do you have children?
How's that now?
This is the Working Moms lunch.
Do you have a child?
[stammers] I... yes.
-So blessed. -Oh, a girl, boy?
Boy.
Oh, how old is he?
Three.
What's his name?
Plate... Plato,
like the old philosopher.
You don't have a child do you?
Or do I?
I don't.
-I do not, I do not. -Well, then,
maybe you just wanna leave us to it.
Yeah, I'll leave you workin' moms to it.
Good for you. Working. Being mothers.
Look at that, huh.
-Well, screw you, 1950s. -Thanks, Katie.
-Okay. -Thank you.
Hey, Rich, Pam.
-Hey, hey, hey. -What's happening?
[Rich] Good to see ya.
-Who are they? -Oh, you wouldn't know 'em.
Some of my bike friends.
Oh, they're your bike friends?
[Gordon] Yeah.
So what's this important news you gotta tell me?
Mm. Okay.
I'm gonna quit job, I'm gonna help you open the brewery.
I'm gonna be your partner.
-No. -Why not?
'Cause you do this every single time.
Every time I start something new,
-you come in and stomp all over it. -Name one time.
Uh, my landscaping business in college.
Genghis Lawns?
Come on, your overhead was insane.
No, look, I've got it all figured out.
You're gonna brew the beer, I'm gonna run the business.
-We'll make a million bucks. -No.
Look, I've got money. Okay, with me,
we can be up and running in two months.
Oh yeah, you have that kinda money?
Yeah, my 401K. My IRA,
-I can sell company stock. -What are you talking about?
You don't wanna sell that, that's blood money.
You just got promoted, why would you wanna do this?
I don't wanna sell software
for the rest of my life, John, all right?
I don't wanna look back and think I never took a risk.
I mean, this is important. What is it?
-I think I know that guy. -Who?
-Is that Dr. Remis? -Who's Dr. Remis?
Hey, John Kelly, good to see ya.
Hey, Doctor, how are ya?
This is my brother, Gordon.
General, that's quite an outfit you got on, I like it.
Oh, I teach American History at the local community college.
Today we're studying the Battle of the Bulge.
Germany's last feudal offense on the western front.
-My favorite battle. -Well, you probably have to get back.
-Good to see ya. -No, no, I'm glad I ran into you.
We just got the results back from your semen analysis.
-Oh. -No, doc. Can we talk about this later?
No, no, it's not all bad news though,
even though your sperm count is low.
-Low. -Please not now.
Let me ask you something. What kinda underslacks do you wear?
Boxers or briefs?
Briefs, I wear briefs.
-There you go. -Oh, briefs.
You're wearing Underoos, little bro?
Come on, everyone knows you gotta wear boxers.
He's right, in order to produce a sufficient amount
of sperm, the temperature of the testicles
needs to be lower than the body temperature.
The briefs keep the testicles warm.
You gotta cool those off. Then what's the good news, doc,
you said there was some good news.
Even though his sperm count is low,
the sperm he does have are excellent swimmers.
So there's nothing to be ashamed of, mister.
I beg to differ.
Anyways, I gotta run. Give me a call,
we'll decide what our next steps are.
-Gordon, nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you, Doctor.
I like him.
Wonder what kinda bike he rides.
-[Dr. Remis] Ducati. -Oh man,
Ducati, that's an Italian bike, I know that much.
Hey, here's to some strong swimmers, huh?
[Dr. Remis] Okay, there are two ways that we can go here.
The first is ovulation stimulation
through medical regiment of injectable hormones.
-Oh. -Hmm.
Katie's afraid of needles.
She has tattoos, but she's scared of needles.
It's different. It's so different.
One is like this and the other is like this.
-It's different. -At the time of ovulation
-we would perform an IUI. -What is that, what's an IUI?
It's when they take the sperm
and they implant it into the uterus.
-Oh. -Exactly, and the health of the sperm
and the ovaries is essential to the process.
So I have to recommend you abstain from alcohol,
tobacco and recreational drugs.
But that's just a recommendation though, right?
You also have to refrain from manual intercourse.
That's not just a recommendation, that's an order.
I'm sorry, that, abstain?
He said, uh, that no sex.
It's a very delicate process, John.
We can't have you messin' up the works.
How long can't we have sex for?
-Between one and six months. -What?
Now, what's the success rate of IUI?
Statistics indicate it'll increase
the chance of conception by 10 to 15%.
-[John] Six months, is there another option? -In vitro fertilization.
We fertilize the egg with a sperm in a lab
and implant the fertilized egg into the uterus.
Okay, what's the probability of IVF?
-Hm, fifty-fifty. -Fantastic.
IVF, we can have sex during that, right?
No way. And it's not as simple as picking
one procedure over the other.
IVF while effective, is very expensive.
Insurance usually refuses to pay unless
you've gone through three rounds of Clomid and IUI.
Well, how expensive is expensive? Like, ballpark.
Ballpark? Talkin' 25.
25, 2,500, that's doable.
25,000.
Okay, so if we wanted to do IVF right now,
we'd have to pay out of pocket?
[John chuckling]
All right, Mr. Mumbles, what's goin' on?
I just, you know, I mean, six months without sex?
-$25,000 dollars. No beer. -What are you, in college?
I have to drink beer, it's part of my business.
-[Katie] Are you a professional booze bag now? -Also sex is part
of my lifeblood too. I am a man.
No, you don't have to do anything, I gotta do all the work.
All you have to do is just jack off into a jar.
-Jack off into a jar? -You have to jack off into a jar.
Oh, like it's that easy.
-It is that easy, just fuckin'. -[fist thudding]
-Listen to me. -Mm-hmm.
I'm not just some run of the mill doctor here
to give you the means to an end.
Think of me as an emancipator.
I invade the male and female reproductive organs,
liberating children into the world and I'm very good
at what I do, but the one thing I can tell you
for certain, a house divided cannot stand.
-[light dramatic music] -If this works,
we'll have a baby.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Did you guys rob a pharmacy?
Provera, Clomiphene.
Letrozole and Toxi-- Tamoxifen.
-Exactly. -Tamoxifen, okay.
All right.
-Who me? -Here you go.
She's your wife.
You're the strongest, you gotta get through this.
All right, think you can handle this?
Yes, I just, as long as I don't see the needle I am good to go.
Just don't tell me when you're gonna do it, just do it.
No, tell me when you're gonna do it.
Don't tell when you're gonna do it.
No, tell me when you're gonna do it.
Don't tell-- ah yeah, there it is.
-I did it. -Yeah, no, I know.
-[Maria] It's good, you're doin' good. -Thank you.
It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it.
-Katie. -Yeah?
-Your mother's here. -What?
-What the hell is she doing here? -[Katie groaning]
Farts. I told her that I would look at a mole on her back.
-[John] Oh. -Ah, okay.
Wait, why are we freaking out though?
Because she cannot see any of this, this is a sin.
-[John] What's a sin? -The church only condones procedures
that assist conception.
-Yeah, it's gotta be natural. -Yeah.
-What about the IUI? -[Katie] No, IUI's okay.
-Hello? -[Katie] No, it's not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Vatican says.
Anybody?
-Hi. -Hi.
Hi, what's goin' on?
Ah, why?
[Katie sighs]
Hello, hello.
[clears throat] Hello, hello.
No, no, no, no, okay.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
-Hi. -Hi, listen, I just wanted
to apologize for jumping down your throat the other day.
Oh, no, that was--
Sometimes my mamma bear instincts come out
-and watch out. You know what I mean? -Yeah.
Well, you will if you ever have kids.
But I do wanna make it up to you.
You know, it's funny you say that about the kids thing,
because my husband and I are about to start a round of IUI.
We've been trying to get pregnant for a really long time,
hasn't really been going our way. So, we're gonna do this.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
When I get nervous I tend to blather a little bit, and...
Okay, great story, Katie, thank you.
The reason I called you in is because the executive level
-wants to hear more about those vendor discounts. -What, really?
That would be the breast, best.
-I need you to make a complete presentation on it. -Mm-hmm.
The C-level, they're hearing good things about you
and this is your chance to prove what you are made of.
-If you're up for it. -Yeah, oh, my God. I'm pumped.
Katie, look at me, I need you to focus here.
Normally, this is something that I would take on for myself.
-Of course. -But with Jimothy starting Montessori
and Higgins is just, like, flying back and forth to Vienna for her recitals
-and I just have no time. -I don't even know what that means.
And because you don't have kids, I just thought that,
you know, maybe you would have the bandwidth
to do a decent job.
Right, yeah.
Oh, and good luck with the whole IUI thing.
Yeah, okay, Mamma Bear.
So, anyway, just give you some privacy.
Oh, no, you can leave that open, it's fine.
-Really, okay. -Yeah, thank you.
[phone ringing]
Dr. Remis.
Hey, Dr. Remis, John Kelly.
[Dr. Remis] What can I help you with, John?
Well, um, I think Katie might be experiencing
some side effects from the drugs you prescribed her.
What sort of side effects?
Like, she threatened to leave me if I didn't
stop overloading the dishwasher kinda side effects.
That's the Clomid, it can trigger mood swings.
Any erratic behavior?
What?
-You could say that. -[Katie] Don't look at me!
The effect of these chemicals can best be described as PMS on steroids.
Eventually her chemistry is gonna balance out,
it's just gonna take some time.
All right, whatever you say, Doc, thank you.
-John, -[gasps]
I need you to go to the store and I need you
to get me a pressure washer.
-A pressure washer? -A pressure... yeah!
-Okay, I'm gonna go. -Yeah, you're gonna go
'cause I asked you to go.
[Katie groaning]
[light music]
[Katie sighing]
[Katie, with an accent] You're a pirate and you're on your vessel
and it's full steam ahead to fertile island.
[Dr. Remis] I've got a good feeling about this.
[Katie] You roll up in your Camaro
and you're wearing a top hat...
-[groans] -...and I'm wearing
a wedding dress, even though it's prom.
-[phone ringing] -Oh, oh.
-Just one second. -Are you serious?
Hey. No, no, I'm not busy.
[Dr. Remis] I've got a great feeling about this.
The spinning's making me dizzy.
[woman] We have others that need this room, please hurry.
You know what, we need the room.
[Dr. Remis] This is the one, I just know it.
[Maria] Look at it this way,
at least now you can try IVF, right?
Oh, God no. I don't think I can, um...
-Do we like this angle? -[Maria] Yeah.
-Just kinda shows what it can do. -[Maria] Yeah, it's sexy.
-Great. -Yeah, I don't think I can do anymore of those treatments.
I just don't think... physically or emotionally my body can take it.
I need to apologize to you.
For what?
I thought you not getting pregnant
was just something in your head.
Oh no, don't. Please, I can't expect you to understand.
I mean, kids came easy for you.
Too easy.
Hmm.
But I gotta say, being a parent to those kids
is somehow the hardest and the most wonderful thing we'll ever do.
-Mm. -What I'm saying is that what you're trying for is good.
And I wanna do anything I can to help you get there.
Aw, thank you. Still not gonna take Dougie.
[motorcycle rumbling]
I don't suppose you're into this,
but have you ever thought of alternative methods?
I feel like I've tried everything.
What about quantum healing?
[Gordon] Honey, the boss is home.
-We're in here. -Does he really come himself The Boss?
-Yeah, no. -I kinda, okay.
I don't know.
What's up, Katie?
-Where have you been? -Gordon.
What I was just sparing at the dojo with Sifu Kevin.
Is that your... what are you showing us, what is that?
-[laughs] -This, oh, my tri's.
-Where are the kids? -Watching TV.
Oh.
Doin', uh, doin' some karate, huh?
No, Katie, I'm not doing karate.
I'm studying the ancient Chinese art of kung fu.
I did karate as a kid.
-I was a blue belt. -[Katie] Really?
Yeah, I could like break boards and stuff.
-Yeah, it was easy. -Gordon's a white belt.
Well, everyone knows the colors
are different in kung fu and karate, so.
Do they? 'Cause I don't know if that's...
I feel like white's still pretty much like the lowest.
You know what, kung fu's way more badass,
so white belt in kung fu is like a blue belt in karate.
-Ah. -But can you break a board?
I can probably break, like, six boards.
What are you guys doing on my sculpt lab?
I'm going to sell this hunk of shit online.
-And I'm helping by modeling. -Yes.
-No, I use that. -You never use this thing.
-[Katie] It's covered in dust. -What are you talkin'--
How do you think I get this, man?
[Katie] Beer and nachos?
When was the last time you used that?
Seriously, give me a date.
Okay, I'm gonna get my exercise journal,
I'm gonna show you. Check that out.
So, quantum, what is it, healing?
Yeah.
Right after I had the baby I started getting
these terrible panic attacks.
You never told me that.
I was almost catatonic, I could barely get out of bed.
My doctor was no help, so my yoga instructor
put me in touch with this holistic healer.
-And it helped? -Like you wouldn't believe.
I know this sounds crazy, but it changed my life.
So, you think he could help me get pregnant?
It can't hurt to try, right?
But I have to warn you, he's a little weird.
Weird how?
It's hard to explain.
-Honey. -[Gordon grunting]
How would you describe Caesar?
-Oh, the holistic guy? -Yeah.
Yeah, he's a fuckin' creep.
-He's perfect for Katie. Ha ha, burn. -You know what?
Boom, boo-ba, bang.
[Katie] Is he a white belt?
Namaste.
Are you currently experiencing physical,
mental or spiritual anguish?
How about lower back pain, IBS, or suicidal thoughts?
Have you grown weary of western medicine's
profit driven approach to your well being?
[TV] Then join me at Caesar's Healing Palace,
the San Fernando Valley's
most trusted holistic healing center.
If it weren't for Caesar, I'd be dead, and that's a fact.
Yes, it is. Together we can start treating causes not symptoms.
Give me a call, I'm Caesar.
Give Caesar a call.
[TV] Namaste, are you currently experiencing physical,
mental or spiritual anguish?
How about lower back pain, IBS, or suicidal thoughts?
Have you grown weary of western medicine's
profit driven approach to your well being?
Then join me at Caesar's Healing Palace,
San Fernando Valley's most trusted holistic healing center.
[man] If it weren't for Caesar, I'd be dead.
Oh, you gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
Okay, can you please try to keep an open mind?
-Keep an open mind? -[TV] Give me a call.
That's society's polite way of saying
"get ready to hear some serious bullshit."
[Caesar humming]
-What is he doing? -I don't...
Hi, I'm Katie, this is John, and...
I just, I don't think that he's...
-Can I just... -[snapping]
-[Caesar screaming] -[gasping]
Dammit! I was this close to total enlightenment and then you came in.
I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were in a thing.
I didn't, we didn't, I'm so sorry.
You'll be pleased to know I was joking.
-Uh-huh, uh-huh. -You actually can't break
my concentration, it's impossible.
About two years ago I was lost in the deserts of New Mexico.
I found my way out by taking handful
-after handful of peyote. -Oh.
I road the snake all the way back to civilization.
When they found me I was naked, running through
a turquoise jewelry market in Taos.
-Wow. -Every since then I've been living
in an inescapable state of total awareness.
Oh, how fun for you.
So, I imagine you're here for the weight loss program?
The what-- what? No, no, no.
Sorry, I was just looking at your thighs.
-Oh, no, I'm, no. -Skin rejuvenation?
No, wait, do you do that here?
We're here because we're trying to get pregnant.
Yes, we really wanna have a baby.
Ah, kudos.
Oh, didn't know there was a liquid "u" in kudos.
Oh.
Feeling your energy.
[Katie] Feel away.
[sniffing]
-You're ovulating. -[Katie] I don't-- okay.
When strippers ovulate, they make more money
at the strip club because of the pheromones they're giving off.
Isn't that interesting?
[Katie] Do you think I'm a stripper?
So if you were a stripper right now at a strip club,
you'd be making it rain hardcore.
You'd be covered in cash.
-Good to know. -Covered in cash.
Okay, uh-huh.
Let's...
The good news is, I can get you pregnant.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
You can get us pregnant, right?
But first I have to get inside you.
-Oh. -Excuse me?
-Okay, I mean... -Herbally.
Right, yes, of course, of course, herbally, herbally.
He needs to herbally be inside me, okay.
It'll be easy, so long as you haven't done
-any fertility treatments. -[groans]
Let me guess.
You went to some fertility specialist
who put you on a grueling three month program of poisonous hormones
and invasive treatments. And then when that didn't work,
-because it never works. -Yeah, that's now exactly how it...
They sold you on some pie in the sky in vitro treatment.
Right? Am I right?
Have you ever thought for even one moment
that they don't want you to get healthy.
They wanna keep you sick
so they can make that filthy lucre.
It's all about the cash, baby.
You stay sick, they get rich.
Think about it?
Who would ever suggest to anyone
that you could have a baby without having sex.
Yes, exactly.
That's what they did, right? They told you not to bone.
They told us not to bone for like a month to six months.
I want you to bone.
-I want you to slam. -Are you hearing this?
-I want you to smash. -Smash.
-Jackhammer, jackhammer. -Nobody likes that.
-That's too fast. -Yeah, well.
[humming]
No, nobody likes that.
-I like it. -You gotta bone down
all night long till the break of god damn dawn.
I feel like I'm gonna be in a lot...
-I feel I'll be very sore. -[John] No.
-[Caesar] Ideally, yes. -Oh.
You need to start a detox program.
Just her or both of us?
It's for both of you, yes.
Tabby, get in here.
-Tabby. -Tabby!
Is this a cat?
We also need to get you started on FRP.
-I'm sorry, what now? -For?
Fertility revitalization program.
It's an all natural, GMO free, virility remedy.
It's kind of like the dick pills you can get
at a truck stop if the tuck stop was in ancient China.
Okay, um, and what does the package include?
Just the basics.
Nano acupressure, wellness formula,
a lunar fornication calendar.
I'm sorry, what was that last part?
It's a calendar based on the cycles of the moon
that tells you exactly when you need to fuck.
-Yes, I like that a lot. -Okay...
You guys are gonna love this part.
It's an app.
Sounds an alarm when it's time to smash.
-[dogs barking and howling] -I'm in, we're in.
-Can you change the alarm? -Take our money.
-Sound or? -Take our money.
-Oh, yeah. -That gets you going?
That gets me going.
Having a lunar, you know, calendar.
I have a lunar calendar.
Every woman does, but that's fine.
-Oh, hello. -Tabby, be a lamb
and please set these two souls up
with a two week supply of Caesar's detoxifying tea blend.
-Wrong way. -Thank you, Tabby, oh.
[Caesar] Thank you.
Is she okay?
-[upbeat music] -[kettle whistling]
-Yeah? Okay. -Mm.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, it's like, it's like a little bit lumpy.
Yeah, I lied, it's terrible.
It's a little bit lumpy going down.
Tabby!
[trippy music]
[giggling] John.
Yeah?
There's something wrong with the clock.
John, John.
Oh, where'd you go?
-[Bird's voice] Impotence. -[numerous voices]
-Use hop oil? -[woman's voice] Dad.
[Gordon] Those are 500 year old German beer laws, who cares?
[woman] Titty bonanza.
[Dr. Remis] It's a real show stopper.
[Caesar] Filthy lucres.
-Sperm count low. -Slam.
-[Gordon] Loud pipes save lives. -[motorcycle rumbling]
[light music]
[cooing]
Hi.
Thank you, kind sir.
She's beautiful.
Built like John.
-Thank you, love her. -[children giggling]
[Dr. Remis] Let me tell you a little story.
After the first day of fighting at the Battle of Shiloh,
Will T. Sherman saw General Grant sitting under a tree,
contemplating the devastating losses of the day.
Sherman said to his friend, "Well, Grant,
you've had the devil's own day, haven't we?"
Grant concurred and said, "Lick 'em tomorrow, though."
-Lick? -The next day Grant routed the enemy and won.
Do you know what he did to win?
[Katie] Hm?
Well, I tell you what he didn't do.
He didn't go on a magical mystery tour
with a god damn witch doctor, that's what he didn't do.
He won because he didn't have the option to lose.
He had that fire within him and superior artillery
on his right flank, but a fire just the same.
It's that fire, that desire to win that I need from you.
Do you know why IUI didn't work for you?
Uh, poor egg quality, bad fallopian tubes, poor sperm.
No. John, tell her why.
'Cause we didn't have that fire.
Bingo. Now I know you've had a rough go of it.
Years of passionless manual conception,
followed by three rounds of IUI
is enough to make anybody wanna quit,
and I know that's what you're thinkin',
"Let's quit, we weren't meant to have a baby."
But we need to rise above that. We need that fire.
I'm gonna ask you a question right now,
are you ready for in vitro fertilization?
Yeah, ready.
God damn it, I'll give you everything I've got,
but if you're not willing to give me everything
you've got then I'll climb the steps to Appomattox
and I'll surrender right now.
I'm gonna ask you again,
are you ready for in vitro fertilization?
-Yes. -Ready to go.
Do you have the fire within you?
Are you ready to procreate?
-Yes. -Yes, I'm on fire.
-Ready, I've got fire. -I'm on fire, yes!
-Back draft, put a baby in me. -[Dr. Remis] John, are you ready?
-Say it with... -[John] I'm ready to procreate.
[nurse] Ugh, again.
Father Callahan, how are you?
-Hey. -Hey, what's up?
-What do you got there? -What?
-Cake. -Cake, I got cake, that's right.
[Maria] Oh, you want me to take it?
No, no, no, no, I got it.
I'm just gonna put it in the kitchen.
Special cake I guess, okay.
Why you acting weird?
-Shut up. -Okay.
I need to have sex right now.
-What is-- oh my-- -I need to have sex right now.
God, you need to put that thing away.
That is gonna hurt somebody.
Okay, okay, no, no, no, stop it.
This is a child's first communion party.
Oh, who cares, I don't care about them.
Let's go upstairs really fast.
-I can be really fast. -I know you can,
I'm fully aware it'll be fast,
-but I-- No, we can't, we can't, we can't. -Why?
I just started a whole new round of drugs for the IVF,
my body is way too volatile to handle all of that.
One time won't hurt, right? One time.
Just one quick time.
Don't make me be the bad guy here.
-Okay, I will give you. -Oh, wow.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no. -20, 40, 50... 5, 56, 57.
-$57, I will give you $57 -Honey, honey, honey.
-and a receipt, -And a receipt.
if you have sex with me right now. Please.
You can go get a mani-pedi.
You're gonna pay your wife for sex?
That's just, that's a whole other level of wrong.
-It's a turn on, right? -You need to go upstairs,
you need to get changed. I'm sorry.
-Oh, God. -I'm sorry, just go.
-Get rid of that, okay? -All right,
but it's gonna take me a little time
'cause I have to... unload the weapon.
All right, just fire off a couple rounds.
-I'm gonna fire it off. -Okay.
I'm gonna hit it everywhere.
Oh...
[John] Oh hey kids, hey guys.
-[mumbles] -[woman moaning]
-[music stops] -We brought a cake.
-What happened to the music? -[Bluetooth speaker beeps]
-[woman moaning] -[hand pounding]
-[woman] Oh, that's disgusting. -Oh, my God.
-That's gotta be John, right? -How is this happening?
This is not, this is not what you think it is.
-It sounds a lot... -[Maria] Do something.
[woman] You better grab that child right now.
-[Katie] Kids, sing a song. -Come here, come here, come here.
Come here! Cover those ears.
John, John, everyone can hear you jacking off.
[moaning]
Well, if you drove across the lawn
then you have to pay for damages.
Yeah, that's kinda how it works.
Because you drove across the lawn, which means you...
I can't, you know what, I gotta go, Mom, I gotta go.
Oh.
WTF is right, Katie.
Have you talked to the insurance company?
Yeah, of course. I mean, we're over our limit.
Any other infertility treatments will be out of pocket.
But they wanted us to do the IUI first.
We wanted to go straight to the IVF remember?
I know, I know, I don't know what to tell you.
Well, that's it, no IVF for us.
What, why?
Where are we gonna get $30,000 from?
We could use the brewery money.
You're kidding.
That would set me back years,
I'd have to start all over again.
Well, you could ask your brother.
-Bam, problem solved. -I can't.
You mean, you won't. He has the money and he wants to help.
It's too much to ask of him.
He's got his family, he's got his job.
-I can't ask. -John, we are so close.
-We've scheduled the retrieval. -Then cancel it.
Why can't you compromise on this?
Do you-- do you want a baby or not?
We have been saving that money for years.
I don't wanna roll the dice with it.
Oh, my God, we're not rolling the dice,
we're not gambling. We're having a baby.
What if it doesn't work?
It will.
You don't know that.
What if the IVF fails? Then what?
We're out the 30 grand and then
we have to start all over again.
Have you even considered that?
Oh, my God, you're being such a D head.
You know, the brewery is not a sure thing either.
Oh hey, you know what, I just thought of a great name
for your IPA, how about: My Husband is a Selfish Prick
Who Only Cares About Himself, IPA?
That sounds really good.
I actually like that name,
but it won't sell as well as:
My Wife is Completely Irrational
and Financially Reckless, Pale Ale.
[Katie] How about this, you should call your pilsner
My Husband Is a Massive D Hole
Who Never Follows Through With His Promises.
That's the one. That's the one, I like that better.
You know what, I'm gonna get that started right now.
[Katie] Yeah, well, don't forget the hop oil.
[John] Okay.
Oh.
Hi, I'm your driver.
I need you to take me to the hospital.
Oh, my gosh, are you okay?
Holy shit, this is so much pain.
Are you in labor?
-Oh, are you a fucking detective? -Congratulations.
-You know, my wife and I-- -Shut up! Just take me to the hospital.
I'm gonna lose my window to get an epidural. Just get me there.
You want me to take the freeways or side streets?
Just drive, fuck face!
Side streets it is.
Go-- in the go! Why are the belts like this?
You're pulling it too fast. You need to just pull it slowly
-and then it'll-- -Okay, I'm getting it on now.
Um, are you hungry?
I have a half eaten protein bar up here.
Can I give you an Altoid? I have Altoids.
-No, I need you to pull over. -Pull over?
I thought you wanted me to take you to the hospital.
I'm gonna have another contraction,
and your driving is making it worse.
I'm sorry, I can't pull over,
it's the middle of an intersection.
Stop the car or I will choke you out
with your seatbelt. Oh, fuck!
-[cars honking] -Oh, my God,
I'd rather die than get another.
Oh.
Are you okay?
-Yeah. -You're good?
-Uh-huh. -Okay, okay.
We gotta get you to the hospital.
Hold on to your shit.
Everybody, make way, woman in labor comin' through.
-Oh, it hurts. -Meg, honey, oh, are you okay?
-[John] Who is this guy? -[Meg] My husband, Brad.
-Oh, well, thanks for showing up, Brad. -Are you okay?
-How do you feel? -Like I'm gonna explode.
Your wife's contractions are five minutes apart,
we need to prep her for anesthesia.
-Nurse! -Anesthesia? You mean like an epidural?
Look, Brad, I know it wasn't part of the birth plan,
but your wife wants the juice
and I'm gonna make sure she gets it.
-Nurse. -Hold on, are you the doctor?
-Stop. -Brad, stand back,
she's having another contraction.
-Breathe. -Okay listen, you breathe.
Okay, listen, thank you for getting me here,
-but we have it. -Are you sure?
-Yeah. -You want me to with you?
I'll stay with you the whole way.
I don't think that's appropriate.
-Yeah, all right. -Okay.
I gotta have a baby now, okay?
-Who are you? -I'm the driver.
Yeah, he's the driver.
All right, we're havin' a baby.
[Meg] Yeah!
I really like the names Blaze and Plum.
[Meg] I like Plum, I don't like Blaze.
[light dramatic music]
I've got something to show you, come on.
I'm not a fan of not being in control.
I have a surprise for you.
-Ready? -Uh-huh.
What is that?
What does it look like? It's a crib.
Took me almost three hours to put this together.
[sighs]
I wanna do IVF.
No, but what about the brewery?
I'll save more money.
I wanna have a baby.
All right, but what if it doesn't work?
-What if-- -It will work. Katie, it's gonna work.
No matter what, we're gonna make it work.
[Katie giggling]
That's a pretty sweet crib.
Yeah, it took me almost seven hours to put this together.
That doesn't match what you said earlier.
Now we just have to fill it.
Let me ask you something.
Did you are Maria
ever have problems getting pregnant when you first started out?
No, no, we had the exact opposite problem.
I mean, look, first kid, bliss.
Second kid, game changer.
And then we had, um... the third one.
-Lisa. -Yeah, I wept.
-Tears of joy. -Fear.
I had a massive anxiety attack.
I'll tell ya this, I'm never going camping again.
It's just so weird, I mean, we're trying all these things
and nothing's working and I'm pumping Katie up
with all these drugs like she's some race horse.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry you're goin' through that.
Look, I'm gonna tell you something
somebody told me a long time ago.
You take the good and you take the bad.
You take it all and there you have the facts of life.
Is that the theme song to the Facts of Life?
-[Gordon] No. -That could be the worst advice I've ever gotten.
We're giving you a grandchild, Mom, that's what you want.
But not like this.
A life isn't something that should be ordered
from a catalog like a sweater.
Those treatments, they dehumanize life.
It's not like that, Mom.
A life is something that you earn.
Everyone, even the best of us, has to earn that.
This is why we didn't wanna tell you,
because some how you have managed to make creating
a life something I should be ashamed of.
Why can't you two just have
normal sex like everybody else?
Honey, nothing in life is fair, okay?
And sometimes we just have to realize
we're not gonna get what we want
and we accept it in order to move forward.
-What are you saying? -I am saying that maybe right now
you are not meant to have kids.
I'm actually not looking for your approval,
so you can either hop on board
or you can just leave us the hell alone.
Honey...
Oh, good morning.
Morning, tiger.
You ready to be a father?
-You want this now? -No,
what I need you to do, is I need you to fill it up
and bring it to the hospital, 11:00 a.m..
Why the hospital?
Well, because Remis has to physically remove my eggs
and implant your sperm directly into 'em.
-Sounds sexy. -Mmm.
I mean, it's technically a surgical procedure so...
It's gotta be done at the hospital, I got it. 11:00 a.m..
No, no, no, okay, that's not all, that's not all. You can't--
-Honey, you can't even be a second late with the specimen. -[John] Why?
Well, because then we're gonna have to reschedule for next week
and we do not have the money to do that.
Okay, great, so no pressure.
All right, 11:00 a.m., hospital, I'll be there.
-Okay. -[phone ringing]
-Hey, babe. -[Katie] I'm checking into the hospital, are you close?
Oh, babe, you don't have to worry about me,
-I am currently in route. -[Katie] That's wonderful.
I even had time to pick up a passenger.
[Katie] You picked up a passenger?
Oh yeah, taking him to the hospital to see his mother.
-Grandmother. -Oh, grandmother.
[Katie] Do you have your specimen.
-You know I do. -Great.
Oh, hey, did you remember not to use any lube?
What?
[Katie] You can't use any lube.
Remember, it contaminates the entire sample.
-You used lube, didn't you? -No, I-- yes.
[Katie] Shit, John. You're gonna need to produce another sample.
Oh, come on.
You want me to go again, what am I, 17?
[Katie] John, we're gonna need a new sample. You have 37 minutes, handle it.
-Okay. -[laughs] Did you hear what I said?
-Handle it. -Bye bye.
Hey, I'm gonna have to make a really quick stop.
It's gonna be about five, 10 minutes. It's gonna be really fast, all right?
So you just sit tight. You can play with the radio if you want.
Leave the engine running and I'll be right back, okay?
[man] But, but what?
Do you have a bathroom?
It's over here, come on, honey.
Oh, oh! Oh, my God!
Oh!
[John groaning]
A man, look, there he is!
That's the sick pig right here.
-He was masturbating. -No.
No, no, no, you got it all wrong.
[officer] Don't resist.
[John] It's not what you think.
-[thudding] -[John groaning]
-Hi. -Hi.
-Ah. How ya feelin'? -Pretty good.
-How ya doin'? -Oh, good, thank you.
-Like, do you feel comfortable? -I do.
Do you feel anxious, a little nervous maybe?
What I like to do is I take deep breaths,
-you know, when I feel anxious. -Okay, sure, yeah.
I can tell, your eyes are kinda
darting back and forth and stuff.
-I don't think I-- -That's not gonna make a baby.
-Oh, okay, thank you so-- -You know, visualization helps a lot.
Let's make you look real pretty for the doctor, okay?
-Oh, okay. -All right, you feelin' good?
-Yeah, pretty good. -Okay good.
-Is my husband here? -No.
[groaning] Officer, officer, this is really a misunderstanding.
[officer] A big boy like you, shoulda filled up that jar.
-You guys today. -Grab that bottle please.
Your diets, what are you vegan?
He'll be here, he's...
-Sure, I'm sure he will. -Okay.
Well, I can't blame you for tryin' to run.
I can't imagine this is gonna be an easy thing to explain to the wife.
Officer, I am so sorry that I ran,
but hey, you have to listen to me. I have to get to the hospital.
You know, most cops hate it when perps run,
but I actually like it, I encourage it. I enjoy that brisk cardio blast
-of a foot race, there's nothing like it. -Sir, you have to let me go.
When I'm in the vehicle sometimes I do isometrics.
I'm always on, off, on, off, on, off,
-but like 2-300 of 'em. -This is just a huge misunderstanding.
My legs are super strong. It's genetics or something.
I don't know, the Irish or the Scots in me.
I need one of those, you know,
those DNA tests where you swab yourself,
you send it in for $99 and you see what happens.
But that gets weird because the test comes back,
I don't know, what are you, Native American?
Then you have to go out and buy all new clothes
-and stuff. -The doctor was gonna use that sample
to fertilize my wife's eggs.
Wait a minute, you're saying right here,
this is for what, fertility treatment.
Yes, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Is it IUI or is it in vitro?
IVF.
Huh, did your insurance company make you
go through three rounds of IUI before the IVF?
-Yeah. -Because I'm tellin' you
right now, my wife and I were on the phone
for hours and hours, hell I was gonna fly down
to Costa Rica, get a kid, put it in a box
and then bring it back here.
Which is weird and probably wrong but anything--
-Sir, sir, sir. -to keep Debbie happy.
-I don't wanna be rude, -Huh?
but the life of my potential child
is sitting on your dashboard and if I am not
at the hospital in the next seven minutes all is lost.
Well, son, I got some news for ya,
the hospital is 15 minutes away.
All right, hold on to your shit.
-I'll get you there in five. -[sirens wailing]
[tires screeching]
Thank you, sir.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Oh, come on.
Make way, comin' through.
Hi, hi, I'm John Kelly.
This is my semen.
Sorry, Mr. Kelly, you're too late.
-What? -Mm-hm.
Missed it by about two minutes.
-No, no. -[nurse laughing]
I'm just kidding, you fine.
Look at your face.
It was like, oh...
Where's my wife?
Oh, they puttin' her under right now.
I wanna be with her.
Oh, well, you'll have to wait here.
The doctor will be out with you when he's done.
It won't be too long.
[light dramatic music]
John.
Doctor, how is she, is everything okay?
We need to talk.
[John] Is something wrong?
Have a seat.
I have some hard things to tell you.
And I'm not gonna sugar coat it for ya.
What is it, what's the matter?
It's about your IPA.
What?
My wife and I had the pleasure of indulging
in the beer sample you sent over,
-you're truly an artist, John. -Thank you,
-but how's Katie? -I don't normally enjoy a wheat beer,
but that Hefeweizen was a true delight, it was apple crisp.
That's wonderful, but how is Katie.
-The surgery, is she okay? -Oh, that couldn't have gone smoother.
-She's vibrant and strong as ever. -Oh, thank god.
Wish I could say the same about your India Pale Ale.
It lacked the customary boldness I've come to expect in an IPA.
Weak as a kitten's meow.
Noted.
Anyway, Katie's eggs have been sent to the lab for fertilization.
Once they're ready, we'll bring her back in,
implant them in her uterus.
Shouldn't take more than a couple days.
In the meantime, you should consider
using a more potent hop oil.
There's-there's laws that...
I don't use a hop oil.
Add that hop, make it pop, baby.
[chuckles]
[light dramatic music]
[Katie sighs]
Tell me something good.
Katie, we're ready for ya.
John, why don't you wait outside?
No, I wanna stay with Katie.
It won't be long. Have a seat in the lobby.
Doctor, I'm not gonna leave Katie's side.
I'm gonna stay with her.
[Dr. Remis] Very well, Mr. Kelly.
Put your gown on.
Okay, there you go.
How long till we get the results.
Just a couple of minutes.
The doctor will tell you in his office.
Fingers crossed.
Thanks.
[light dramatic music]
[somber music]
You haven't really said anything
since we left Remis's office.
Taste it.
Oh, my God, that is so good.
You did it.
A west coast IPA, it's what everybody likes.
And I gotta admit, it's pretty good.
You should be really proud.
You worked hard.
We should celebrate.
-We can save more money. -Oh, God,
I don't wanna talk about that now.
Okay, you're upset.
No, I'm not upset.
I'm just-- I'm just... I'm disappointed.
Well, in me?
No, not in you, in the situation.
-What does that mean? -[sighs] Look, I just had
everything taken away from me that I've been working for for all these years,
I think I'm allowed to be disappointed, right?
And it's my fault, you think it's my fault?
I didn't wanna do this.
I didn't wanna take all of our money and put it...
Whatever.
-You know what, fuck it, okay? -No, no, you can't do this.
Because we both chose, we both chose this.
Okay, you're right, you're absolutely right,
and I want to have kids, I do, but I didn't know
that having babies with you meant not having sex with you.
Or it meant getting hand jobs in Trent Reznor's kill room
or taking Mescaline or getting fucking arrested.
No, I don't believe any of this, because you know what?
You actually never cared about having this
-That's bullshit. -All you cared about,
now you're trying to make me feel like shit.
Okay, you keep tellin' yourself that.
It's true, I have had to drag you through every step
of this and now you're just using your dumb brewery
as something to make me, I don't know, somehow I'm wrong now.
You know what, I'm really happy that this all happened
because I learned something about myself.
What, that you're a shitty fucking beer maker?
No, that I can't be with a woman who can't have kids.
[Katie groans]
Shit.
[door closes]
[John sighs]
Katie, please let me in.
Hey, I need you to come pick me up.
Hey, little bro, how you doin'?
Yeah, never been better.
Yeah, looks like it.
You're supposed to be wearin' boxers.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Hey, wanna play some ping pong?
No, no, I'm good.
Uh... Listen,
Maria and I have some people comin' over, new CFO from work.
Love to get ya to come inside and clean ya up a little bit.
You're ashamed of me.
I could never be ashamed of you, Bro,
Maria is ashamed of you, but you're fine.
[Maria] Gordon, tell him to put his pants on.
Well, I'm ashamed of myself.
I said things that cannot be unsaid.
[Gordon] That's not true, everything can be unsaid.
-That doesn't make any sense. -[Gordon] I know.
Why don't we get you inside and clean you up.
-[Maria] Gordon, now! -I'm bringing him inside!
Sorry. I'll be right down.
[John] All right, bring your paddle.
We'll play some ping pong.
[crashing]
[Danica] So I put baby corn,
baby carrots, baby peaches,
baby potatoes and he was like, "This is the strangest dinner
I've ever had," and I said, "Darling,
I have something to tell you..."
-Hey. -Oh.
What's, uh, what's all this?
Oh, I'm pregnant.
[voice distorting] We weren't even trying, it just happened.
Can you believe it?
Fuck you and your fucking fertile face!
[screaming]
Aren't you happy for me, Katie.
I have never been more happy
than I am in this moment right now.
It's so great.
If it's a boy we're thinking that
we're gonna name him Brendo and if it's a girl, Talc.
-So cute. -Yeah.
Talc, like the powder Talc, like Talc powder?
Um, it's spelled the same way,
but it actually means song in Portuguese, I think.
Oh.
[sighs]
I don't wanna fight.
Bad timing, Mom.
Johnny told me what happened.
Yeah, well, you were right, I'm not...
I'm not meant to have kids.
No, I'm sorry I said that.
I just, I want you to know, honey,
that I really do understand the pain
that you're going through.
No, you don't know how I feel.
-You have no idea. -Yeah, I do, Katie.
I mean, after Dad and I got married we tried forever.
I mean, God, it was years to get pregnant.
Right, but that was different because dad wanted
to wait till he was out of the service to have kids.
No, no, that is what we told people,
but it wasn't the truth, okay?
We tried for years before you came along
and it was really hard.
I mean, it tore us apart.
Mm...
Oh, Mom, I don't know what to do.
-[light dramatic music] -I don't wanna feel like this.
I know, I'm sorry.
You know, I love you so much and I'll always be here.
-Are you gonna kick it? -No, just warmin' up.
-You are gonna kick it? -Nope.
You can't get higher than here, so I gotta put it down--
I'm not kickin' it, man.
Gordon, stop, what are you doing?
Oh hey, Maria, if you got your camera phone,
you're just in time to watch me break this board.
-You're gonna break your hand. -I'm not gonna punch it.
He's not gonna punch it, it's way too thick to punch.
Yeah, I'm gonna use my forehead. Titanium.
-Yeah, his forehead. -No, no, no,
stop trying to kill yourself, you dumbass.
Listen to me, you're a great dad, you're a great husband.
You have three healthy kids, a great wife that loves you.
You have everything a man could ever ask for,
and you're taking it for granted.
Maria, I hear what you're saying.
You're an amazing wife, a wonderful mother, kids love you,
I love them to death, I love you to death,
which is why I need you to move out of the way
and let me break this board with my face.
Okay, all right, wait, wait, wait.
If I let you do that,
will you take back that stupid bike?
Okay, fine.
If you guys don't want me to have bike, I don't care.
I'm doin' this.
-Go for it. -[grunting]
-[yells] -[board snapping]
-That's what I'm talkin' about. -[thudding]
Ha ha, told you I could do it.
Who looks stupid now? Not me.
[Gordon chuckling]
-I'm gonna get you new ice. -Okay.
-[Maria] John, you need anything? -No, I'm good thanks.
-I'm gonna take off pretty soon. -Oh, you're leaving?
Yeah, I gotta go home.
Beg Katie for forgiveness.
That's a good idea.
I'll see ya later, man.
Hey, um...
I'm lookin' for a partner.
Someone with a keen business sense, somebody that's gonna
help me get this brewery off the ground.
So, if you know anybody, can you let me know?
[chuckles] I see where you're going.
Yeah, I think I do somebody and I think he's available.
Good, have him give me a call, all right?
-I will do that. -And you know,
Maria's right, you are a lucky guy.
Makes two of us.
[John] All right.
[light dramatic music]
We never, uh...
we never discussed... Cobra.
Thought it'd be cool if a boy was named Cobra,
-or a girl. -[chuckles]
Katie, I am so sorry.
I did not mean any of those things I said.
-I am so sorry. -No, I didn't either.
I want you to understand something.
I'm okay if it doesn't happen for us.
-You don't mean that. -Yes, I do.
Baby or no baby, it does not matter if I don't have you.
Okay, we need to make a rule, like a law,
that we never let this come between us again.
Yeah, absolutely, and then the penalty is what, like...
It's like five to 10.
-Five to 10 years. -Like in the hole.
[John] In the hole with no possibility of parole.
Yeah.
Tell me something good.
I wanna keep trying.
[grunts]
Hey Jeff, I still need that light bulb fixed in the office.
Coleman, can you help him with that?
He doesn't know anything about lighting.
[Coleman] Got it.
[Gordon] Oh, did you want your own?
This is mine. I can get you one.
-Gordon. -Mm-hmm?
Can you put this in the fridge for me?
Are you serving the beer or are you drinking all of it?
-I'm drinking. -You have a customer at the bar.
What is this, I don't do this.
-Hey, what can we get you? -Hi.
-[phone ringing] -Oh I'm sorry, one second.
Hey, where are you? We're busy as hell
and I need help getting a shipment out.
I'm gonna release you, because
-I really believe that this is fine -Oh, my God, John, I'm dying.
-She's not dying. -[John] What is goin' on?
It could be Malaria, it could be Dysentery.
-No. -We're not sure.
She's got a mild case of diarrhea.
Hey, hey, hey, if this is it, you go on without me, okay?
Maybe you don't get remarried,
maybe you just get, like, a studio
in, like, Van Nuys or something.
Be a lone wolf out on the range.
You just roam.
So, go ahead and give her some Kaopectate
and she should be fine by the morning.
-No, no, wait, wait, wait, -Feel better, honey.
I don't ever have digestive issues.
Something's really wrong.
That's true, she can eat like a goat.
-[man screaming] -Mm-hm,
honey, do you hear that man screaming?
He's got a magicians dart stuck
in his eyeball and he really needs this room.
But, why is this happening to me?
-Oh, my-- -I don't know, sweetheart.
-Maybe you're pregnant. -[groaning]
[tires screeching]
[uplifting music]
[Katie] Jackpot.
Here, here, take one more.
Just do both.
Are you okay?
Okay, we have to promise that no matter what
-this result is that we can't-- -No, absolutely.
We can never do that to each other again.
-Something's coming up on mine. -Yeah, mine too.
[test beeping]
-[test beeping] -[giggling]
[light folksy music]