Sarge: Now look, the fact of the matter is the ability to fly north,
...and only north, is just gonna lead to more problems than it solves.
Simmons: Thank you!
Grif: Whatever, this road trip sucks!
Sarge: Nonsense! Road trips are an inherent part of the Red Team experience.
Enjoy the exotic sights and sounds of this beautiful, albeit wartorn, land.
Grif: It's a gas station...
...that we've been to before!
Seriously, there's like three places to go on the whole planet!
Washington: Alright, almost time to hit the road again.
Simmons: Any word from the away team?
Washington: They found some sort of giant alien temple shooting pure energy into the sky.
Grif: *sigh* What'd I tell ya?
Blue Team problems.
Washington: You know, I think it's really admirable that you all chose to stay and fight for the people of Chorus.
Simmons: Oh. Thanks, Wash.
Washington: When I first met you all, I honestly thought you'd never amount to anything,
...but you've really proven me wrong.
Grif: Uhhhh, cool.
Thanks, dude.
Washington: Sure, you may not be the most conventional soldiers,
...but no matter the challenge you always manage to find a way to come out on top.
And that's something really special.
Sarge: What's going on with you?
Washington: Me?
Nothing.
Simmons: No, you're acting really weird.
Washington: I just want you all to know how much I appreciate you.
That's it.
Grif: You think we're going to fucking die!
Washington: No, I don't!
Grif: No, you do, you definitely do! You're getting all sentimental and shit!
Washington: No, guys. Come on, you'll be fine!
I've got total faith in you.
You're some of the best soldiers I ever knew.
Simmons: What the fuck is that past tense bullshit!?
Washington: Look, I just want you to know, I'm proud of you.
I'm sure if you stick together, you'll be okay.
What unit are you in?
Sarge: Volunteered for the front lines!
Washington: Oh.
Grif: You what?!
Simmons: Sarge!
Washington: Well...
...look on the bright side...
Grif: You know, if you say that, you're supposed to follow it up with the bright side!
Washington: I know.
Church: A true warrior?
Dr. Grey: Of physical strength and mental clarity.
Tucker: Well it's a good thing I'm here.
Carolina: That's cute.
Tucker: What?
Obviously I'm a true warrior.
Plus, I got the sword.
That means I'm the chosen one.
Church: Finding a sword in a hole doesn't automatically make you an unstoppable badass.
Tucker: Oh, why don't you tell that to the last alien temple I lit up!
Dr. Grey: Tucker has a point.
It's possible that merely carrying the sword through the portal will override the need to be strong and intelligent.
Tucker: Yeah!
Wait, I'm strong and intelligent.
Caboose: Eh, you have your moments,
Church: Well, we're low on time and it's the best lead we've got.
Carolina: Fine. Just... be careful.
Tucker: Nothing to worry about baby.
I Am A True Motherfucking Warrior.
[DENIED]
Tucker: Whoa! What happened?
Church: Wow.
Carolina: Apparently, you're not a true warrior.
Caboose: Or maybe he's so good he passed the test super fast.
Dr.Grey: What did you see? Tell me about the other side. Did you make contact?
Oh, and...
...how are you feeling?
Tucker: I saw Felix.
Carolina: The mercenaries were already there?
Tucker: Well, I don't think it was really him.
He showed up, then another Felix showed up.
And the next thing I know there were a million fucking assholes all over me.
Same thing with Locus, I couldn't fight them off!
Dr. Grey: You weren't strong enough.
Carolina: Well, I am.
And I've been waiting for a rematch.
Epsilon, you seeing this.
Epsilon?
WHO...
...ARE...
...YOU?
Carolina: I'm your true warrior.
Tex: Actually, that would be me.
Carolina: Tex?
York: Hey there, Carolina.
Carolina: I said I don't want to talk about it.
Church: Carolina, all I saw, when I went through was static.
You gotta tell us more! You saw the Freelancers, then what happened?
Was there crazy karate? Big gunfight?
Carolina: No...
...there was no fighting.
They just...
...look, it doesn't matter.
Tucker: See?! Not as easy as it looks, huh?
Carolina: I will throw your ass right back through that portal if you don't-
Dr. Grey: Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
Tucker: Man, whatever.
Dr.Grey: We can't give up hope.
The government spent ample time studying these relics and we've only been here a few hours!
Tucker: Did they make any progress?
Dr.Grey: Actually they got fed up and abandoned all of their work.
Tucker: Great. Super inspiring.
Church: I just wish the inscriptions weren't so vague.
True warrior? Mental clarity? What does that even mean?
Caboose: Uh yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the opposite of false warrior. Duh.
Church: Caboose, not now.
Caboose: Yeah, I'm just saying we can at least cross that off the list. You know.
Carolina: Caboose.
Caboose: The false warrior. That is.
Everyone: CABOOSE!
Caboose:Well excuse me for trying to help!
I am going to go find the bathroom.
Church: Jesus, that empty headed little...
...wait a minute....
...empty headed...
Tucker: No way.
Caboose: Hey, this isn't the bathroom.
WHO...
...ARE...
...YOU?
Caboose: I'm Caboose.
HMM...
YOU...
...ARE NOT LIKE THE OTHERS.
Caboose: Yeah.
I'm blue.
Your mind...
...lacks fear.
Doubt is non-existent.
Completely absent of negativity.
Caboose: I'm sorry, what, you were saying something?
And your strength...
Caboose: Yeah. I have been told, that I am an excellent listener.
I've increased the gravity tenfold since you've arrived.
Caboose: What's a tenfold?
You... haven't noticed?
Caboose: What a tenfold is?
You know, I... I don't know you. You're the one who brought it up.
Hmm....
Then it seems that you are...
...a true warrior.
Caboose: Neat.
Caboose: And we're back!
Carolina: Caboose!
Dr. Grey: Are you okay?
Church: What happened?
Caboose: Ah, well ah yeah, I went to the bathroom,
...and then I met an alien, and we became friends,
and he told me everything about the universe and the meaning of life and then-
Tucker: Wait! An alien?
Alien AI: Greetings.
Everyone: Whoa!
Church: Jesus!
Alien AI: My apologies, but is there anyone else I could speak to?
Perhaps someone with a broader vocabulary?
Carolina: Who...
...what are you?
Church: He's an AI.
Alien AI: Correct. I'm a construct left behind by my creators,
...to ensure that their gifts are passed on only to those who are worthy.
Caboose: Yes.
And that is why I have named him...
...Santa.
Carolina:...Santa?
Caboose: Santa.
Tucker: Santa?
Caboose: Yes, Santa.
Alien AI: Santa.
Church: Santa,
...the alien...
...AI construct.
Santa: It is an honor to meet you... noble warriors.
Greetings, fellow websurfer. Be sure to subscribe to our channel before you go.
It'll be just like your friends.
Not that I... need friends.
[sobbing] Please don't go.