I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant.
It was a Horn & Hardart cafeteria.
And this beautiful girl walked in, and I turned to Arthur
and I said "Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her."
And two weeks later we were married.
And it's over 50 years later,
and we're still married.
~ It's very clear
UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO - 1977
~ Our love is here to stay
- I love you. - I love you.
~ Not for a year
~ But ever and a day
~ Oh, the radio and the telephone
~ And the movies that we know
~ May just be passing fancies...
Hi, Sally. Sally, this is Harry Burns.
- Harry, this is Sally Albright. - Nice to meet you.
- Wanna drive the first shift? - You're there already. You start.
Back's open.
- Call me. - I'll call you as soon as I get there.
- Call me from the road. - I'll call you before that.
- I love you. - I love you.
Sorry.
- I miss you already. I miss you already. - I miss you.
- Bye. - Bye.
~ In time, the Rockies may crumble
~ Gibraltar may tumble
~ They only made of clay
~ But
~ Our love is here to stay
I have it all figured out. It's an 18-hour trip, which becomes six shifts of three hours.
Or, alternatively, we could break it down by mileage.
There's a... There's a map on the visor
that I've marked to show the locations where we can change shifts.
Grape?
No. I don't like to eat between meals.
I'll roll down the window.
Why don't you tell me the story of your life?
- The story of my life? - We got 18 hours to kill before New York.
That won't even get us out of Chicago. Nothing's happened to me yet.
- So I'm going to New York. - So something'll happen?
- Yes. - Like what?
Like I'm going to journalism school.
So you can write about things that happen to other people.
- That's one way to look at it. - Suppose nothing happens.
Suppose you never meet anybody, you never become anything,
then you die and nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hall.
- Amanda said you had a dark side. - That's what drew her to me.
- Your dark side? - Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side?
I know, you probably dot your "i"s with little hearts.
I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first.
That way, if I die before I finish I know how it ends.
That, my friend, is a dark side.
That doesn't mean you're deep. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person.
- So am I. - I don't see anything wrong with that.
No, you're too busy being happy. Ever think about death?
- Yes. - Sure you do. A fleeting thought
that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend days.
And this makes you a better person?
Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not.
In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it.
- You're wrong. - I'm not wrong. He wants her to leave.
- That's why he puts her on the plane. - She doesn't want to stay!
Of course she wants to stay! Wouldn't you rather be with Bogart than the other guy?
I don't wanna spend my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar.
That probably sounds snobbish to you, but I don't.
- You'd rather be in a loveless marriage... - And First Lady of Czechoslovakia.
..than with the man you had the greatest sex of your life with,
just because he owns a bar and that is all he does?
Yes.
And so would any woman in her right mind. Women are practical,
even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.
I understand.
- What? What? - Nothing.
- What? - Forget about it.
- Forget about what? - It's not important.
No, just tell me.
Obviously you haven't had great sex yet.
- Two, please. - Right over there.
- Yes, I have. - No, you haven't.
It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex.
With whom?
- What? - With whom did you have this great sex?
I'm not gonna tell you that!
Fine. Don't tell me.
- Shel Gordon. - Shel. Sheldon?
No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.
- I did, too. - No, you didn't.
A Sheldon can do your taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man.
But humpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name.
"Do it to me, Sheldon." "You're an animal, Sheldon." "Ride me, big Sheldon."
- It doesn't work. - Hi.
- What can I get you? - I'll have a number three.
The chef's salad with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie ?la mode.
Chef and apple ?la mode.
But I'd like the pie heated and I want the ice cream on the side.
I'd like strawberry, if you have it. If not, then whipped cream, but only if it's real.
If it's out of a can, nothing.
- Not even the pie? - No, just the pie, but then not heated.
- What? - Nothin'. Nothin'.
- How come you broke up with Sheldon? - How do you know we broke up?
If you didn't, you wouldn't be with me. You'd be with Shel the Wonder Schlong.
First of all, I am not with you.
And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.
You're right, you're right. I don't wanna know.
Well, it was because he was jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants.
Sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this.
- Days-of-the-week underpants? - Yes.
They had days of the week on them and I thought they were funny.
Then one day Sheldon says to me "You never wear Sunday."
He's all suspicious. Where had I left Sunday?
And I told him and he didn't believe me.
- What? - They don't make Sunday.
- Why not? - Because of God.
OK, so 15 % of my share is 90.
$6.90.
Let's leave seven.
What?
Do I have something on my face?
You're a very attractive person.
Thank you.
Amanda never said how attractive you were.
Maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive.
I don't think it's a matter of opinion. Empirically, you are attractive.
Amanda is my friend.
So?
- So you're going with her. - So?
So you're coming on to me!
No, I wasn't.
What?
Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?
All right, all right.
Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on.
What d'you want me to do about it? I take it back, OK? I take it back.
You can't take it back.
- Why not? - Because it's already out there.
What are we supposed to do? Call the cops, it's already out there!
Just let it lie.
- OK? - Great! "Let it lie." That's my policy.
That's what I always say: "Let it lie."
Wanna spend the night in a motel?
- See? I didn't let it lie. - Harry.
I said I would, then I didn't.
- Harry! - What?
We are just going to be friends, OK?
Great! Friends! It's the best thing.
You realise that we could never be friends.
- Why not? - What I'm saying is,
and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form,
is that men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way.
That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
- You don't. - I do.
- You don't. - I do!
You only think you do.
I have sex with them without my knowledge?
No, they all wanna have sex with you.
- They do not. - Do, too.
How do you know?
No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.
He always wants to have sex with her.
So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too.
What if they don't wanna have sex?
Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed.
- I guess we're not gonna be friends then. - Guess not.
That's too bad.
You were the only person that I knew in New York.
~ You say ee-ther, I say either
~ You say nee-ther and I say neither
~ Ee-ther, either
~ And nee-ther, neither
~ Let's call the whole thing off
~ Yes, you like potato and I like pot-ahto
~ You like tomato, I like tom-ahto
~ Potato, pot-ahto
~ Tomato, tom-ahto
~ Let's call the whole thing off
- Thanks for the ride. - Yeah. It was interesting.
- It was nice knowing you. - Yeah.
- Well, have a nice life. - You, too.
~ You like potato and I like pot-ahto
~ You like tomato, I like tom-ahto
~ Potato, pot-ahto
~ Tomato, tom-ahto
~ Let's call the whole thing off
- We fell in love in high school. - Yeah, we were high-school sweethearts.
But then after our junior year his parents moved away.
- But I never forgot her. - He never forgot me.
No, her face was burned on my brain.
And it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway
and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's.
We both looked at each other,
and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.
She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen.
He was just the same.
He looked exactly the same.
FIVE YEARS LATER
Joe! I thought it was you. I thought it was you.
- Harry Burns. - Harry. How ya doin'?
- Good. How you doin'? - Fine. I'm doin' fine.
I was just walking by and I thought it was you.
Yeah, it was.
- You still with the DA's office? - No, I switched to the other side. You?
I work with a small firm. We do political consulting. Yeah, it's great.
Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns.
Harry and I, we used to... We lived in the same building.
Well, listen, I got a plane to catch. It was good to see you, Joe. Bye.
Thank God he couldn't place me. I drove to New York with him five years ago
and it was the longest night of my life.
- What happened? - He made a pass at me. When I said no:
he was going with a girlfriend of mine...
Oh, God. I can't remember her name.
Don't get involved with me. I am 26 and can't remember the name of the girl
I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.
- So what happened? - When?
When he made a pass, you said no...
I said we could just be friends.
And this part I remember. He said men and women could never really be friends.
Do you think that's true?
No.
Do you have any women friends, just friends?
No.
But I will get one if it's important to you.
Amanda Reese!
That was her name. Thank God.
I will miss you. I love you.
- You do? - Yes.
I love you.
- What would you like to drink? - Nothing, thanks.
- D'you have any Bloody Mary mix? - Yes.
No, wait. Here's what I want. Regular tomato juice, fill it up three quarters,
then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix - just a splash - and some lime on the side.
The University of Chicago, right?
- Yes. - Did you look this good at university?
- No. - Did we ever...?
No. No!
We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation.
- Would you two like to sit together? - Great! Thank you.
You were a good friend of...
Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name.
What do you mean? I can remember. Amanda Rice.
- Reese. - Reese, right. What happened to her?
- I have no idea. - You have no idea?!
You were friends. We didn't make it because you were such good friends.
- You went with her! - Was it worth it?
The sacrifice, for a friend you no longer see?
Harry, you might not believe this,
but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
Fair enough. Fair enough.
- You wanted to be a gymnast. - Journalist.
- That's what I said. And? - I am a journalist. I work at The News.
Great. And you're with Joe.
Well, that's great. Great.
You're together, what, three weeks?
- A month. How did you know? - You take someone to the airport,
it's the beginning of a relationship. That is why I never do that at the beginning.
- Why? - Because eventually things move on
and you don't take someone. I never wanted anyone to say
"How come you never take me to the airport any more?"
It's amazing. You look normal, but actually you are the Angel of Death.
Are you gonna marry him?
We have known each other a month and neither of us wants to marry right now.
I'm getting married.
You are?
- You are? - Yeah.
- Who is she? - Helen Hillson. She's keeping her name.
- You're getting married. - Yeah.
What's so funny about that?
It's just... It's just so optimistic of you, Harry.
You'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you.
Well, it's wonderful. It's nice to see you embracing life.
Yeah. Plus, you get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.
- What whole thing? - The whole "life of a single guy" thing.
You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide to move on to dinner.
You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite,
go back to her place, have sex, and then you know what goes through your mind?
"How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can go home?"
"Is 30 seconds enough?"
That's what you're thinking? Is that true?
Sure. All men think that.
How long do you like to be held afterwards? All night, right?
That's the problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.
- I don't have a problem. - Yeah, you do.
- Staying over? - Yes.
Would you like to have dinner? Just friends.
You don't believe men and women can be friends.
- When did I say that? - On the ride to New York.
No, no, no, no, I never said that.
Yes, that's right. They can't be friends.
Unless both are involved with someone. Then they can. I amend the earlier rule.
If two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted.
That doesn't work either. The person you're with can't see
why you need to be friends with the person,
like it means something is missing from the relationship.
Then when you say "No, nothing is missing", the person you're with
accuses you of being attracted to the person you're just friends with,
which you probably are. I mean, let's face it.
So we're back to the rule before the amendment:
men and women can't be friends. Where's it leave us?
- Harry. - What?
Goodbye.
OK.
I'll just stop walking. I'll let you go ahead.
We were married 40 years ago.
We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie.
- First you lived with Barbara. - Right, Barbara.
But I didn't marry Barbara. I married Marjorie.
- Then you got a divorce. - Right. Then I married Katie.
Another divorce.
Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her.
I was with some girl I don't even remember.
- Roberta. - Right. Roberta.
But I couldn't take my eyes off you.
I remember I snuck over to her and I said...
- What did I say? - You said "What are you doin' after?"
Right. So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee, a month later we're married.
35 years to the day after our first marriage.
- I went through his pockets. - Marie, why?
FIVE YEARS LATER
- You know what I found? - No, what?
They just bought a dining-room table. His wife just spent $1 ,600 on a table.
- Where? - The point isn't where, Alice.
The point is he's never gonna leave her.
What else is new? You've known this for two years.
You're right. I know you're right.
Can't you find someone single? When I was single I knew lots of nice single men.
There must be someone. Sally found someone.
Sally got the last good one.
- Joe and I broke up. - What?
- When? - Monday.
- You waited three days? - Joe's available?
For God's sake, Marie, don't you have feelings? She's obviously upset.
I'm not that upset. We'd been growing apart for a while.
But you were a couple.
You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays!
I said to myself "You deserve more than this. You're 31 ..."
- And the clock is ticking. - No, it doesn't start to tick until you're 36.
God, you're in such great shape.
Well, I've had a few days to get used to it, and I feel OK.
Good. Then you're ready.
- Really, Marie! - Well, how else do you think you do it?
I've got the perfect guy. I don't find him attractive, but you might.
She doesn't have a problem with chins.
- Marie, I'm not ready yet. - But you just said you were over him.
I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period.
- Who is it? - Alex Anderson.
You fixed me up with him six years ago.
Sorry. God.
All right, wait. Here. Here we go.
- Ken Darman. - He's been married for over a year.
Really?
Married.
- Wait. Wait, I got one. - Look,
there is no point going out with someone I might like if I met him at the right time,
but who right now would just be a transitional man.
OK, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened with David Warsaw?
His wife left him and everyone said "Give him some time. Don't move in too fast."
Six months later he was dead.
Are you saying I should marry quickly in case he's about to die?
At least you could say you were married.
I'm saying that the right man is out there. If you don't grab him, someone else will,
and you'll spend your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.
Ten! Hut!
- When did this happen? - Friday. Helen comes home from work
and she says "I don't know if I wanna be married any more."
Like it's the institution. Nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about.
I'm calm. I say "Why don't we take time to think about it? Don't rush into anything."
- Yeah, right. - Next day she says she's thought about it.
She wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it.
But we can still date - like this is supposed to cushion the blow.
I got married so I could stop dating, so still dating is not a big incentive
since the last thing you wanna do is date your wife, who should love you.
Which is what I'm saying to her, when it occurs to me maybe she doesn't.
So I say to her "Don't you love me any more?"
D'you know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you."
That's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away.
- Thanks, Jess. - No, I'm a writer. I know dialogue.
That's particularly harsh.
Then she says someone in her office is going to South America
and she can sublet his apartment. I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.
"I can sublet his apartment" - the words still hang in the air like in a balloon...
- Like a cartoon. - Right.
So I go to the door and there are moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious.
I say "Helen, when did you call these movers?" She doesn't say anything.
So I ask the movers "When did this woman book you?"
And they're three huge guys. One with a T-shirt saying "Don't fuck with Mr Zero."
So I said "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" She says "A week ago."
I said "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?"
And she says "I didn't wanna ruin your birthday."
Mr Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you?
- Mr Zero knew. - I can't believe this!
- I haven't told you the bad part yet. - What's worse than Mr Zero knowing?
It's all a lie.
She's in love with somebody else. Some tax attorney.
- She moved in with him. - How did you find out?
I followed her. Stood outside the building.
- That's so humiliating! - Tell me about it.
And, you know, I knew. I knew that even though we were happy, it was an illusion.
And that one day she'd kick the shit outta me.
Marriages don't break up due to infidelity. It's a symptom something else is wrong.
Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife!
So I just happened to see his American Express bill.
What do you mean "just happened" to see it?
Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase.
What if he came out and saw you?
You're missing the point. I'm telling you what I found.
He just spent $1 20 on a new nightgown for his wife.
- I don't think he's ever gonna leave her. - No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.
You're right, you're right. I know you're right.
Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth.
I know him. You'd like him. He's married.
- Who is he? - Harry Burns. He's a political consultant.
He's cute.
- You think he's cute? - How do you know he's married?
Last time I saw him he was getting married.
- When was that? - Six years ago.
So he might not be married any more.
Also, he's obnoxious.
It's like in The Lady Vanishes, when she says "You're the most obnoxious man",...
- "The most contemptible". - ..then they fall madly in love.
- Also, he never remembers me. - Sally Albright.
- Hi, Harry. - I thought it was you.
It is. This is Marie.
Was Marie.
- How are you? - Fine.
- How's Joe? - Fine.
I hear he's fine.
- You're not with Joe any more? - We just broke up.
I'm sorry. That's too bad.
Yeah. Well, you know.
Yeah.
So...
- What about you? - I'm fine.
How's married life?
I'm getting a divorce.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?
What happened with you guys?
When Joe and I started seeing each other we wanted the same thing.
We didn't wanna get married because every time anyone we knew got married
it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again.
It's true. That's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you.
I would sit with my girlfriends who have kids... my one girlfriend with kids, Alice,
and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it any more.
She didn't even complain about it. She said it matter-of-factly.
She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted,
the kids took every sexual impulse they had out of them.
Joe and I would say "We're so lucky. We have this wonderful relationship."
"We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in."
"We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
Then one day I was taking Alice's girl for the afternoon
cos I promised to take her to the circus. We were in the cab playing I-spy.
"I spy a mailbox", "I spy a lamppost".
And she looked out the window and she saw this man and woman
with these two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders.
And she said "I spy a family."
And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying.
And I went home and I said "The thing is, Joe,
we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
And the kitchen floor...?
Not once. It's this very cold, hard, Mexican ceramic tile.
Anyway,
we talked about it for a long time. I said "This is what I want" and he said "I don't".
And I said "Well, I guess it's over." And he left.
And the thing is, I... I feel really fine.
I am over him. I mean, I really am over him.
That was it for him. That was the most that he could give.
And every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced I did the right thing.
Boy, you sound really healthy.
Yeah.
- At least I got the apartment. - That's what everybody says to me.
But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? You read the obituary column.
You find out who died, go to the building, and then you tip the doorman.
It'd be easier if they combined obituaries with the real-estate section.
Then you have "Mr Klein died, leaving a wife, two children
and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace."
The first time we met I really didn't like you that much.
- I didn't like you. - Yeah, you did.
You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.
I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment, but it's an insult.
OK, you're still as hard as nails.
I didn't wanna sleep with you so you wrote it off as a character flaw,
instead of dealing with the possibility it might have something to do with you.
What's the statute of limitations on apologies?
- Ten years. - I can just get it in under the wire.
Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?
Are we becoming friends now?
Well...
Yeah.
Great! A woman friend.
You may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.
That's wonderful, Harry.
- We were born in the same hospital,... - ln 1921 .
- ..seven days apart. - ln the same hospital.
- We both grew up one block apart. - We lived in tenements.
- On the Lower East Side. - On Delancey Street.
- I moved to the Bronx when I was ten. - He lived on Fordham Road.
- She moved when she was 1 1 . - I lived on 183rd Street.
- She worked on the 1 5th floor as a nurse. - I worked for a prominent neurologist,...
- I had a practice on the 14th floor. - ..Dr Permelman.
- We never met. - Never met.
- Can you imagine that? - D'you know where we met? An elevator.
- I was visiting family. - ln the Ambassador Hotel.
He was on the third floor, I was on the 1 2th.
I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.
Nine extra floors.
- Hello. - You sleeping?
- No, I was watching "Casablanca". - Channel?
- Eleven. - Thank you. Got it.
So you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart?
- When did I say that? - When we drove to New York.
- I never said that. I'd never say that. - All right, fine. Have it your way.
- Have you been sleeping? - Why?
Cos I haven't been sleeping. I really miss Helen.
Maybe I'm coming down with something. I watched "Leave It to Beaver" in Spanish.
"Buenos días, Seòor Cleaver. ?Dónde están Wallace y Theodore?"
I'm not well.
I went to bed at 7.30. I haven't done that since third grade.
That's the good thing about depression - you rest.
- I'm not depressed. - OK. Fine.
Do you still sleep on the same side ofthe bed?
I did for a while, but now I'm using the whole bed.
God, that's great. I feel weird when just my leg wanders over.
I miss her.
- I don't miss him. I really don't. - Not even a little?
You know what I miss?
I miss the idea ofhim.
Maybe I only miss the idea ofHelen.
No, I miss the whole Helen.
Last scene.
Goodbye, Rick. God bless you.
lngrid Bergman. She's low maintenance.
- Low maintenance? - There are two kinds of women.
- High maintenance and low maintenance. - And lngrid is low maintenance?
An LM, definitely.
- Which one am I? - The worst kind.
You're high maintenance, but you think you're low.
- I don't see that. - You don't see that?
"Waiter, a house salad, but not the regular dressing."
"I'll have balsamic vinegar - on the side."
"Then salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the sauce on the side."
- "On the side" is a big thing for you. - I just want it the way I want it.
I know. High maintenance.
.. 10,000F should pay our expenses.
Our expenses?
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Best last line of a movie ever.
I'm definitely coming down with something. Probably a 24-hour tumour.
- You don't have a tumour. - How do you know?
- If you're so worried, go see a doctor. - No, he'll just tell me it's nothing.
- Will you be able to sleep? - If not, I'll be OK.
- What'll you do? - I'll stay up and moan.
Maybe I should practise now.
Good night, Harry.
Good night.
I had my dream again - where I'm making love and Olympic judges are watching?
I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it: the finals.
I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American,
and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6.
Must've been the dismount.
Basically it's the same one I've had since I was 1 2.
- What happens? - No, it's... It's too embarrassing.
- Don't tell me. - OK, there's this guy.
- What's he look like? - I don't know. He's just kinda faceless.
A faceless guy. OK. Then what happens?
He rips off my clothes.
- Then what happens? - That's it.
That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes.
And that's the sex fantasy you've had since you were 12. Exactly the same?
Well, sometimes I vary it a little.
- Which part? - What I'm wearing.
- What? - Nothing.
I have decided that for today
we are going to talk like this.
- Like this? - No. To repeat after me.
- Pepper. - Pepper.
- Pepper!
- Pepper. - Pepper.
Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.
Oh, no!
- But I would be proud. - But I would be proud.
- To partake. - To partake.
- Of your pecan pie. - Of your pecan pie.
- Pecan pie. - Pecan pie.
- Pecan pie!
- Would you like to go to the movies? - Would you like to go...
Not to repeat. Please, to answer. Would you like to go to the movies tonight?
Well, I'd love to, Harry, but I can't.
What do you have? A hot date?
- Well, yeah. Yeah. - Really?
Yeah. I was gonna tell you, but, I don't know, I felt strange about it.
- Why? - Cos we've spent so much time together.
I think it's great that you have a date.
- You do? - Yeah.
- Is that what you're gonna wear? - Yeah.
Well, I don't know. Why?
I think you should wear skirts more. You look really good in skirts.
- I do? - Yeah.
I think hieroglyphics are really a comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.
- Harry, you should get out there, too. - I'm not ready.
- You should. - I would not be good for anybody now.
It's time.
It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.
See, no, it has to go this way.
The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.
You only had one date.
- How do you know it won't get worse? - How much worse can it get
than finishing dinner, having him pull a hair out of my head and floss with it?
We're talking dream date compared to my horror.
It started out fine. She's a very nice person.
And we're talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to.
I was making jokes, like "I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia."
"This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."
Yeah! Nothing from her, not even a smile.
I downshift into small talk and ask where she went to school.
She says Michigan State. And this reminds me of Helen.
All of a sudden I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack -
my heart's beatin' fast and I start sweatin' like a pig.
- Helen went to Michigan State? - No, Northwestern.
But they're both Big Ten schools.
I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant.
Harry, I think this takes a long time.
It might be months before we're able to enjoy going out with someone new.
Yeah.
Maybe longer before we're able to go to bed with someone new.
I went to bed with her.
- You went to bed with her?! - Sure.
- I don't understand this relationship. - What d'ya mean?
- Enjoy being with her? - Yeah.
- You find her attractive? - Yeah.
- And you're not sleeping with her? - No.
You're afraid to let yourself be happy.
Why can't you gimme credit for this? This is a big thing for me.
I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I'm growing.
- Are you finished? - I got a stack o' quarters. I was here first.
- Were not. - Was too.
- Were not! - Was too!
- Big jerk. - Little creep.
- Where was I? - You were growing.
Yeah.
It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.
Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?
No, it's just a different perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things.
She tells me about the men she sees, and I talk to her about the women I see.
- You tell her about other women? - Yeah.
Like the other night, I made love to this woman and it was incredible.
I took her to a place that wasn't human. She actually meowed.
- You made a woman meow? - Yeah, and I can say these things to her.
And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I don't wanna get her into bed.
- I can just be myself. - You made a woman meow?
What do you do with these women? Just get up and leave?
- Sure. - Explain how you do it. What do you say?
I say I have an early meeting, early squash game.
- You don't play squash. - They don't know that. They just met me.
- That's disgusting. - I know. I feel terrible.
I'm so glad I never got involved with you.
I just would've been some woman you had to get outta bed and leave at 3am
and go clean your andirons. You don't even have a fireplace.
- Not that I would know this. - Why are you upset? This isn't about you.
Yes, it is! You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman.
Hey, I don't hear anyone complaining.
Of course not. You're out the door too fast.
- I think they have an OK time. - How do you know?
What d'ya mean how do I know? I know.
- Because they... - Yes, because they...
- How do you know that they're really... - What're you saying? They fake orgasm?
- It's possible. - Get outta here!
Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.
- They haven't faked it with me. - How do you know?
Because I know.
Right. That's right.
I forgot. You're a man.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
All men are sure it never happened to them and most women have done it,
so you do the math.
You don't think I could tell the difference?
- No. - Get outta here.
Are you OK?
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah, right there.
Oh, God.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, God.
I'll have what she's having.
~ Sleigh bells ring
~ Are you listening?
~ ln the lane snow is glistening
~ A beautiful sight
~ We're happy tonight
~ Walking in a winter wonderland
~ Gone away is the bluebird
~ Here to stay is a new bird
~ He sings a love song as we go along