This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
AGNES LAUGHS
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
# She's Mrs Brown Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown Agnes
# Oh, Mrs Brown! #
APPLAUSE
Oh, hello there.
Just having a cup of tea and checking me post - my fan mail!
I've got a lot of loyal fans.
I mean, this one, this fan writes to me every month, nonstop.
Never fails.
Yeah, it's called the gas company.
Yeah. Oh, they're hilarious!
This one's every quarter.
It's the electric company.
Yeah. Yeah. I'll need a mortgage to pay that one this time.
This is a special offer, from some store or other.
AGNES CHUCKLES
Yeah. The only offer I'm interested in is "free".
Hello, son. Mornin', Ma.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, I'll get that.
Well, little has changed here.
Cathy's got a new, creepy boyfriend.
She's hoping he's Mr R-I-G-H-T.
They usually end up being Mr W-T-F.
LAUGHTER
Ray, come on.
Grandad's still a lazy bastard.
GRANDAD GRUMBLES
You're a bitch!
Yeah. I love you, too, you wrinkled old shit.
Oh, and I just had a FaceTime with Rory.
Yeah, he's doing very well in China.
He's after setting up a little taxi company.
Yeah. And Dino's still stylin' hair.
Rory says he spends all day pulling his rickshaw.
LAUGHTER
I think he'll go feckin' blind.
LAUGHTER
Go blind, you know? Yeah!
Ah, for fuck's sake. Hello, Mrs Brown. Come in.
Trevor, Father Damien's here for a playdate.
You have a big, fat arse.
Oh, Father, he recognised you.
Hello, Grandad. Yeah.
Hiya, Damien.
So, what's up?
I have to slip away for a day or two
and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind covering some of the parish
duties while I'm away. Sure. Are you taking a break?
I wish. No, I've got to go see my brother on his farm.
He's in a bit of a state. Why? What's up?
His chickens are depressed.
AGNES CHUCKLES
And YOU'RE the solution?
Father, you wouldn't cheer up a feather duster.
Mammy, please! I'm just saying,
there's people all over this feckin' parish and,
when they're having a bad day,
the last thing they're saying to themselves is,
"If only Father Damien was here".
Depressed chickens. What's next?
Kamikaze sheep?
Bah! Bah! Bah-bah-bah!
Bah-bah-bah.
Baaaah!
Mammy, stop!
Although, Damien, I am a little confused.
How do you know if a chicken is depressed?
Oh, she stops laying.
I was like that with your father.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'll tell you what. Why don't we go down to the church?
You can fill me in on the way what you want me to do.
Good luck with that, Father.
I'll see you, Mammy. See you later, love.
Depressed chickens.
Chickens don't get depressed.
Chickens are suspicious.
You ever see a chicken in the yard?
AGNES CLUCKS
That's because he knows what a buckin' casserole is!
It reminds me of a chicken joke.
This chicken crossed the road...
..to get to the library.
Was it a library?
So he went in...
CLUCKING
And the librarian said, "Shh!
"Shhh!"
So the chicken went, "Buck-buck-buck-buck."
LAUGHTER
Well, she gave him a book, right?
And he took it back to his friend, the frog.
And the frog went, "Read it."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Read it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I'm in here, Mrs Brown. Oh, me life is complete.
OK, Dr Flynn. Would you like an update on Grandad?
Only if the update'll tell me how to plan his funeral.
GRANDAD GRUMBLES
I've never known the shop so busy, Agnes.
I know, Winnie. You'd think you were giving the stuff away.
You want tea, love? Ah, no, I better go.
My Sharon's been very depressed for the last couple of weeks.
I think she's breaking up with her boyfriend.
Things not going well with Tommy? He's gone.
Jeremy? In prison. Ohh!
What about Declan? Off injured -
fractured penis.
LAUGHTER
I don't know how he got that.
Oh, you'd feckin' wonder.
Anyway, tomorrow night, I'm going to cook her favourite,
hope it'll cheer her up.
What's her favourite?
Leeky-cocky.
You mean cock-a—leekie? That's it!
That's nice. Oh, hello, Betty, love! Hello, Mrs McGoogan.
Hello, Betty.
Hello, Mrs Brown. Cup of tea, love? No, thanks.
Oh. What brings you round?
Can I ask you something?
Betty, all you have to do is ask and it will be done.
Can you do me a favour? No.
I'm only kidding. Of course I will. What do you need?
Can you talk to Mark? Mark? About what?
He won't let me blow him.
LAUGHTER
WHAT?
How am I supposed to get good at it if he won't let me practise?
Maybe... Maybe he just doesn't like it.
You know, a lot of men don't like it at all.
I can't think of one offhand, but...
Don't give me that. He has no problem letting Barbara blow him.
Barbara?! Geez!
And Cathy told me before he got married
that she would do it for him.
GAGGING
LAUGHTER
Please just talk to him.
Well, I will. Yeah, right. OK. Thank you.
No, no, I mean, I might. I don't know if I....
Hiya, Betty! MEN!
What's wrong with her?
Oh, it's... Mark, he...
It doesn't matter. What are you promoting this week, Dermot?
Acme Stool Softener - number one for your lovely number twos!
I must remember that.
Are you on your own? No. Come on, Buster.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Buster! Hello, Mrs Brown.
D'you want tea, boys? Yes, please, Ma. Put it in that.
OK. Mammy...
What do you think about Cathy's boyfriend, Boris?
I don't think about him at all.
She's happy with him and that's all that matters.
I think he's a vampire.
A feckin' vampire?!
I've seen him - hanging upside down like a bat.
There's blood dripping all out of his mouth.
Oh, my God. Where? In a cave.
And there was bones all over the cave floor.
AGNES MURMURS
Buster, was this a dream?
Y-yeah.
Feckin' eejit, ya!
Is Trevor here? No.
He's gone to do some parish work for Father Damien.
Father Damian had to go down to his brother's farm to do
stand up for some chickens or something.
What? It's a long story.
Dermo!
Listen to this.
"In separate incidents, the bodies of two women were found
"in Dublin City."
That's terrible.
"The bodies had something in common
"in that they were both drained of...blood."
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! Must have been there a while, so.
Or...
..it was a vampire.
Will you stop, Buster? Come on, let's get back to work.
See ya, Ma. See ya, love.
Feckin' vampires.
I knew a few bloodsuckers in me day,
but they weren't vampires!
Oh, what a beautiful vase!
"VAZE!"
But thank you, Doctor.
That vase has been handed down through three generations
to the eldest girl in the family, from my great-grandmother,
all the way to me. Hmm. Must be worth a fortune.
Priceless to me.
Mrs Brown, could you come in here with me for a minute?
I want to show you something. Sure.
Oh. It's just like winding a baby.
You just do that when you want him to cough.
I thought, when you want somebody to cough, you do that. Argh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
NO! NO!
HIGH-PITCHED: That's a different examination altogether!
That's disappointing.
Well, how often will you be around to do that?
I won't, that's why I'm showing you how to do it.
But what if it's not done?
Well, his lungs will fill up.
At his age, that could be fatal. Oh!
Things are not looking good for you, Grandad!
Thank you, Doctor.
See yourself out.
Get down. Get fecking down!
Cough. I can't cough!
Cough! I CAN'T!
GRANDAD COUGHS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There we go!
Boris.
Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, love. Big date tonight, Cathy?
No, just a quick drink. Boris has to go to work later.
Sit down for a minute.
Well, I was going to join the girls. Sit down for a minute.
I have to go to the toilet. Talk to Winnie.
What can I get you? Cathy drinks vodka and coke.
IN POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: Yes, I know. I'll have a Bloody Mary.
So where's the...?
Where's the old smoke area?
Out past the toilets.
I see you were in Hairy Marys.
Yes. Well...
LOW VOICE: ..boys will be boys, eh?
SINISTER LAUGH
What was that about?
One of those blood-drained girls was found at the back
of Hairy Mary's. I know. It was terrible.
BUSTER GASPS
He was... He was there!
Dermo, we have to save Cathy!
Calm down! Let me think.
I thought Cathy was joining us tonight. It's girls' night!
Maybe she forgot.
Maybe she's on a date. With Dracula.
Maria, don't be cruel.
Come on, we've all thought it!
He looks like every vampire in the movies.
He's different, for sure.
I think he's a Count.
LAUGHTER
Now, Betty, there's no need for that language!
I said, "Count," Barbara. C-O-U-N-T. Not cu...
Mark!
LAUGHTER
Yeah?
Why won't you let Betty blow you?
To be honest with you, Ma, she's not very good at it.
LAUGHTER
Give the girl a chance!
I did, Ma. And when she was finished,
it was all dry and crunchy.
Fine.
He's too old for you, Kathy.
No, he's not.
What age is he?
Wait'll I give you a laugh.
I asked him and he said...
MIMICS BORIS: ..540.
AGNES AND WINNIE LAUGH NERVOUSLY
He's a widower and I'm divorced, so we both have experience.
Age doesn't matter. Winnie, she's happy with Boris.
Yeah, I am.
I know he doesn't look it,
but he can be very cuddly.
So's a fuckin' bear.
Cathy, promise me something,
don't let him give you a love bite or a hickey.
For God's sake, Mammy, we're a widower and a divorcee,
not two teenagers.
A love bite, seriously?!
Excuse me, boys.
Thank you.
We need a plan.
I know how to kill a vampire,
I've seen it on the Internet.
Will you calm down, Buffy?
You can kill them?
Agnes, do you think he is...? Winnie, stop it now.
She's old enough to make her own decisions.
Ah, true. Here.
My Jacko used to give me hickies where my mother wouldn't see them.
Oh, really? Hmm.
And where would he give you a hickey that your mother didn't see them?
Back of his car, usually.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, at least he's a widower and not divorced.
I don't know how to answer that.
Did you ever think about divorce, Agnes? God, no, Winnie.
The day I married Redser, I said to him,
"There will be no divorce in this marriage.
"There may be a hunting accident in the kitchen,
"but there'll be no divorce."
It's just me and Buster, Mammy.
OK, love.
I'll be in in a minute. Dermo...
..we have to do something about Boris.
I have a plan. We'll slip something into his Bloody Mary.
And when he's out of it, we'll take him out to the smoke spot.
But where would we get a silver bullet?
No, Dermo, a silver bullet is for a werewolf.
I heard you have to drive a stake through his heart.
Well, we don't discuss it in front of Mammy or anybody.
How's your cough, Grandad?
Er, never better.
I want tea.
Please.
I want tea, please.
Well, while you're at it, get me one!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Nice vase, Dermo.
Buster...very carefully,
put the vase down and step away.
Are you holding my vase? No!
Buster, you frightened the life out of me! Frightened YOU?!
I frightened myself!
It's not a stool softener I need!
Buster, that vase has been handed down through three generations.
Jesus. It must be worth a fortune!
Priceless.
Sit down, Buster. No. No, I'll stand.
I'm sitting all day.
Dermot, does Buster just stand outside the pharmacy
like that all day in the shopping centre? No, no.
We walk around the centre. Yeah.
And if anyone stares at me, I just do that.
HE STRAINS
Mrs Brown, I have a friend that specialises in antiques.
I can get him to price that vase for you. Buster,
he couldn't put a price on that.
He COULD.
I wouldn't let this out of my house, son.
Exactly.
Mind you, it would be interesting to know.
But there's no way we'd let you take it out of this house.
Fair enough. Hiya, love!
Hiya, Mark, hiya, Betty.
Hello. Dermot, I'm glad I caught you. The boys have football training
later. Can you be home in time to pick them up?
No, he can't.
Er, because there's something that we need to do.
Excuse me?
I don't remember marrying you.
No, love, he's right. We have to...
What? You have to what?
We have to meet a client.
Really? Yeah.
Fine.
I'll get my mother to pick them up.
- Mm, nice vase. - Vayse.
Thank you.
It really is a nice vase, isn't it, Mark?
I must get you some flowers the next time to put in it.
God, no, Betty, I wouldn't put flowers in that.
That's a hair loom.
Oh, sorry. It's nice anyway.
Thank you, Betty. You know, Buster has a friend who deals in antiques.
He said I should get it valued.
What? Valued?
No, Ma, you can't let Buster take that.
He'll either break it or sell it.
Hey, watch it, Mark.
Probably. Yeah.
You know, Mark, I think it IS a good idea to get it insured.
What if someone were to break in?
HE GIGGLES
Don't be silly, Betty.
The only people that break in around this area would be...
..really bad people.
Right, we were just going. Yeah, we were just going.
Well, don't forget to flush.
Nice one, Marko. Nice one, Marko.
What does he mean, Dermot? Get out, Buster.
Tea!
I have it ready, it's coming.
Mark, why are you so against getting it valued?
Just afraid it's not worth anything
and Mammy will be upset.
Don't give me that. Why?
OK, I'll tell you.
That's not the vase Mammy got from her great-grandmother.
I was putting up shelves for Mammy,
must have been about 15 years ago.
I was putting the vase back...
I dropped it.
I got that for £1 in the market.
Oh, my God. Smashed? Smashed.
Smashed? What smashed?
Sharon McGoogan, she was...smashed last night,
leaving Foley's. Wasn't she, Mark?
I wasn't in Foley's last night.
THUMP!
Argh!
Yeah. Smashed.
Are you all right, son? Yeah, Ma,
I just don't like seeing Sharon in that state.
Sharon McGoogan, she drinks too much.
Far too much. How did you see her?
THUMP!
Argh!
Mark, stop it, now, love, it's not your fault
she's a piss artist.
I don't want to talk about it any more, Ma!
Poor Mark, he takes these things personally.
Yeah. Well, what do you think?
What do I think of what? His hair.
It's grand. What about it?
He let me blow dry it after talking to you in Foley's last night.
Talking to ME? In Fol...?
Blow dry.
Blow DRY.
His hair is lovely, Betty, well done.
It's a great job.
All right, Vidal Sassoon,
let's give Bono another driving lesson.
Thanks for having that talk with him. Oh, no problem.
Blow dry!
I have a dirty mind.
Bad Agnes!
Oh, Dermo, I was talking to my friend about getting
that vase valued. He said he's going to come over to the house and do it.
Ah, no. Buster, I told you to drop that.
What's wrong with getting the vase valued?
About eight years ago, I was rummaging in the cupboard,
looking for my ballet shoes.
I knocked over the antique vase and broke it.
The one that's there now, I bought for two euros in the charity shop.
Oh. So it's not an antique?
I better cancel him, so.
Yeah, you'd better.
Oh, that's nice.
It is.
Speaking of drink, you need to talk to your Sharon.
She's drinking far too much.
I believe she was smashed here last night.
Oh, no. My Sharon was off last night.
I cooked her dinner,
she had a bath, and then we watched a movie together on the telly -
Saving Ryan's Privates.
No, it was Saving...
Oh, doesn't matter.
Then, why would Betty say that...?
Hmm.
Betty, Mrs Brown is staring over at you.
Shite.
What's wrong? My Mammy's giving Betty the evil eye.
Yeah. Oh, I see it now.
Dirty look.
THUMP!
Argh! Jesus, Betty.
That was YOUR fault.
At least change legs, will you?
Hey, everybody. Trevor, want a drink?
No, I'm all right. So how did things go with your brother's farm?
Great. All sorted. Well done.
Are you sure your Sharon didn't go out last night?
Positive. And she was on the phone for ages, too,
a new boyfriend.
A new one? She didn't waste any time.
No. She's very popular, you know?
Oh, I know.
The whole of Finglas knows.
CLICKS TONGUE
Very popular.
Have you got the stuff?
Put that away!
Have you got the sleepy stuff?
OK. All set.
What can I get you, Father?
You know, Sharon, I think I'll have a glass of champagne.
I'm celebrating.
There's a coincidence. I just poured myself champagne.
I'm celebrating, too.
What are YOU celebrating, Father?
Well, my brother's hens were depressed.
There's a coincidence. I was depressed, too.
Well, I cured them.
What a coincidence.
I'm cured, too.
How did you cure them, Father?
I got a new cock.
Me, too.
Vodka coke, Bloody Mary.
Spot on.
How's it going, Borat?
It's Boris and things are going impeccably fine,
thank you very much.
Buster? Where are you?
What the hell?
That's strong, Dermo.
Uh, I... I... Oh...
SLURRED: I don't feel very well.
You need to go out for some air.
Right, Buster, hand me the mallet.
Now the stake. Here.
For God's sake, Buster.
A wooden stake,
not a sirloin steak.
What have you done with Boris? Nothing.
What is THAT for?
I can't believe what Dermot and Buster did.
Aw, Cathy, it can't have been THAT bad. It was.
They slipped him a mickey.
I beg your pardon?
A Mickey Finn. They drugged his drink.
How are yous?
Well, what about last night, eh?
HE CHUCKLES
I'm sure Dermot and Buster had the best of intentions.
Best of intentions?
They were going to kill Boris, Betty.
They meant well.
Hello, all. You were disgraceful, Dermot Brown.
I'm ashamed of my family.
Right, well, we're off.
No, you are not!
Dermot Brown, you tried to kill Boris last night.
But is it Boris? Or is it an entity that takes the form of Boris?
If we HAD driven a stake through his heart and he turned
into a bat, then we'd KNOW he was a vampire.
And what if he didn't?
We didn't think it through that far.
Listen to yourself.
You sound like a Ghostbuster,
or Buster.
Cathy, Dermot's just trying to protect his sister, that's all.
And...he does look like a vampire, doesn't he?
Yeah. He does a bit.
DOORBELL
I'll get it.
Cathy, the boys were wrong,
but Bollo is very creepy.
Boris! His name is Boris and he is not creepy!
It's...just Buster.
You can get in here, Buster Brady!
You're just as bad as him!
Erm, Dermo, a quick word, out here, please.
No, no, not out there.
Come on. There's no place to hide.
Cathy is very upset and I think she's owed an apology from everyone.
Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
It's not me, it's Boris that should get the apology.
DOORBELL
I'll get it.
Look, Cathy,
give me Boxo's...Boris's number,
and I'll call him now and apologise.
You will not!
He'll be asleep.
He works nights, he tries to sleep as much as he can during the day.
See? He only comes out at night.
Anyone would think he was a...
Well, he's not the man for you.
He's a nice guy, but he can't even handle his drink.
Especially when it's drugged.
Oh, yeah.
This is Mr Kennedy-Valentine. He works in the antique dealer's
and he's here to value the vase.
He's Buster's friend. How you doing? What?! Hello.
That's what I was trying to tell you, Dermo, I forgot to cancel.
Mammy, this is a mistake.
He's right, Ma. You don't need to know.
You're never going to sell it.
Nonsense. Cathy, get the vase.
Now, look, while she's gone,
Dermot, Buster,
you have no idea how upset Cathy is.
Now, you two need to put your heads together and come up with something
that will make it up to Cathy.
Here we are, sir. This is the vase.
Jesus, looks like I missed the party.
Oh, dear. What's that?
It's my grandmother's vase.
Er, I think that's Sharon calling me! Sharon, I'm coming, love!
Mammy...
I don't know what to say. I'm...
I'm so sorry.
Well, Cathy, I'm glad it's you that broke it
cos I was going to leave it to you in my will.
THAT is my inheritance?
It fucking is now.
Well, that's our show. Father Damien's chickens are happy
and laying all around them,
so is Sharon McGoogan.
Yeah.
And Cathy's boyfriend, Boris,
turns out he worked in the blood bank.
Who knew?
He dumped her.
But apparently he doesn't take too kindly to attempted murder.
No feckin' sense of humour.
And as for my grandmother's vase...
I made that story up.
I bought that vase 30 years ago from a stall in Moore Street
for two euro!
Which is just as well,
considering how many times they buckin' smashed it.
Remember that, children,
Mammy knows everything.
Goodnight.
# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
# As the best mum of all she wears the crown
# Mother hen watching all her chicks
# Sassy old lady full of tricks
# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down
# She's Mrs Brown
# Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown
# Agnes... #
Goodnight! Happy New Year!