♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
REAL PEOPLE!
PEOPLE ARE HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU SO MUCH, WE GOT PEOPLE
BACK, REAL PEOPLE.
THANK YOU, REAL PEOPLE, MASKED
AND SPACED AND TESTED, ROBOTS
WOULDN'T BE SAFER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS
AND GOING THROUGH ALL OF THAT
AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD
SHOW.
WE ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY TONIGHT
BECAUSE THE SUPER BOWL IS
SUNDAY, THAT'S A BIG THING IN
AMERICA, SUPER BOWL WEEKEND.
[APPLAUSE]
THE BUCCANEERS VERSUS THE TEAM
SOMEHOW STILL CALLED THE CHIEFS
THE POOR WASHINGTON TEAM, THEY
DON'T EVEN GET A NAME, THEY ARE
LIKE FUCK IT, THEY AREN'T EVEN
GOING NEAR THAT SHIT.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT
GAME, TOM BRADY VERSUS PATRICK
MAHOMES, ALMOST A 20 YEAR AGE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM -- WHAT
WE HAD A HOLLYWOOD CALL
MARRIAGE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE
DIFFERENT BECAUSE OF THE
PANDEMIC.
SOME FANS SAY THEY ARE GOING TO
WATCH, LISTEN TO THIS, WITH
BLOWUP DOLLS.
THEN IN A TRIBUTE TO TOM BRADY,
DEFLATE THEM.
[APPLAUSE]
I KID, TOM BRADY AND WHOM I
KIDDING?
IT CAME OUT TODAY THE 25% OF
AMERICANS STILL ARE GOING TO GO
TO A SUPER BOWL PARTY AND IT'S
GOING TO BE CONFUSING WHEN
SOMEONE SAYS "PAST THE CORONA."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF GETTING A
ROOM WITH A DR BUNCH OF DRUNK
SCREAMING IS GOOD FOR YOU.
CASES ARE DOWN, THIS IS GOOD
NEWS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET'S NOT GO CRAZY, THEY ARE
DOWN BECAUSE WE ARE OVER THE
SPIKE FROM THE HOLIDAY SEASON,
WHEN AMERICANS JUST OF COURSE IT
DIDN'T FOLLOW THE RULES AND A
FUCKED UP AND MET WITH EACH
OTHER, THAT'S WHY IT'S DOWN BUT
NOW WE ARE COMING UP ON
VALENTINE'S DAY.
FOR ONCE BEING A LOSER WITH NO
LOVE LIFE IS A GOOD THING.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WHAT ELSE IS IN THE NEWS?
EX GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE
DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE NEWS,
HE'S GETTING IMPEACHED FOR THE
SECOND TIME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
HOW BRAVE OF YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS GOING ON EXACTLY THIS
TIME LAST YEAR, IT'S LIKE AN
ANNUAL EVENT NOW.
IT'S LIKE GROUNDHOG DAY EXCEPT
WITH A WEASEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
A SECOND IMPEACHMENT IS SO
ANTICLIMACTIC, NOBODY'S GOING TO
BE WATCHING.
LINDSEY GRAHAM SAID THERE'S
GOING TO BE SO FEW VIEWERS, HE'S
NOT EVEN GOING TO GET HIS HAIR
DONE.
[LAUGHTER]
I TELL YOU, THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY, THEY ARE IN TROUBLE.
THEY HAVE A REAL IDENTITY CRISIS
WHICH IS ENCAPSULATED IN THESE
TWO WOMEN NOW THAT THEY ARE
DEBATING WHETHER TO CENSURE THIS
WEEK.
LIZ CHENEY, YOU KNOW HER?
[APPLAUSE]
WE LOVE HER NOW, DAUGHTER OF
DICK CHENEY.
AND YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREENE.
LIZ CHENEY, DAUGHTER OF
DICK CHENEY, MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE -- LIZZA VOTED TO IMPEACH
TRUMP, THEY ARE MAD AT HER FOR
THAT, MARJORIE IS THE
ANTI-SEMITE WHO LIKES TO MAKE
LITERAL DEATH THREATS AGAINST
DEMOCRATS FOR THEIR EXECUTION --
THEY HAD A FIVE HOUR MEETING
WITH THESE TWO WOMEN AND THE TWO
WOMEN SPOKE.
GUESS WHICH ONE GOT THE STANDING
OVATION?
I GUESS YOU CAN'T.
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS THE CRAZY ONE, IT WAS
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE AND THE
DEMOCRATS TODAY STRIPPED GREENE
OF ALL OF HER COMMITTEE
STANDINGS BUT --
[APPLAUSE]
SHOULD WE?
IS IT?
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE IS NOW
ONE OF THE STANDARD BEARERS OF
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, SHE'S ONE
OF THEIR FACES.
IT'S LIKE HAVING MARILYN MANSON
HOST THE GRAMMYS.
THEY DO HAVE A LEADER IN THE
HOUSE, KEVIN McCARTHY IS THE
MINORITY LEADER AND HE'S SO
AFRAID TO GET NEAR THIS, HE SAID
ABOUT MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE HE
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT QANON IS.
REALLY?
ISN'T THAT HIS JOB TO KNOW
THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING IN
AMERICA?
WHAT ELSE DOESN'T HE KNOW?
WHAT'S WITH ALL OF THESE PEOPLE
WEARING MASKS?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
REALLY, A FIVE HOUR MEETING THEY
HAD ON THIS?
WHERE THEY DEFEND THEMSELVES?
LIZ CHENEY LAID OUT HER STRONG
ANTITERRORIST CREDENTIALS AND
THEN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE LAID
OUT HER STRONG APPROACH
TERRORIST CREDENTIALS.
LIZ CHENEY DID SURVIVE, SHE
STILL GOING TO BE THE NUMBER
THREE IN THE HOUSE ONLY AFTER
PROMISING TO NEVER AGAIN DO THE
RIGHT THING.
[LAUGHTER]
MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE WHO
BELIEVES IN EVERY CONSPIRACY
THEORY SAID THAT SHE THINKS
SATAN RUNS THE GOVERNMENT AND
LIZ SAID TO "NO, MY DAD IS
RETIRED."
OKAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW,
MATT WELCH AND CHARLOTTE ALTER
ARE HERE.
BUT FIRST, HE'S THE HOST OF
ABC'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!"
CAN YOU GUESS WHO IT IS?
JIMMY KIMMEL!
♪ ♪
I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THAT HAND,
THAT'S A FUNNY THING.
>> ISN'T IT A FUNNY THING THAT
WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SHAKE
HANDS COME UP BEFORE I COME
HERE, THEY SAY DON'T WORRY
EVERYONE HAS BEEN TESTED,
EVERYTHING IS PERFECT, NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT AT ALL.
>> Bill: THE ATHLETES NOT ONLY
SHAKE HANDS, THEY PRACTICALLY
KISS EACH OTHER.
>> SPEAKING OF ATHLETES I PULL
INTO YOUR PARKING LOT, I PULL
INTO MY SPOT, IT SAYS A
JIMMY KIMMEL ON IT AND RIGHT
NEXT TO ME IT SAYS D STRAWBERRY.
I'M VERY EXCITED BECAUSE
DARRYL STRAWBERRY IS HERE.
>> Bill: THAT WAS A FAKE NAME
WE WERE TRYING TO USE SO PEOPLE
WOULDN'T KNOW IT WAS ME.
[LAUGHTER]
>> BUT LIKE AN IDIOT I'M SITTING
IN THE DRESSING ROOM GOING
NOBODY HAS MENTIONED
DARRYL STRAWBERRY AND THEN IT'S
"OH, BILL IS DARRYL STRAWBERRY!"
>> Bill: THAT'S WHEN I WAS
PART OF THE METS.
>> DID YOU GET THE CHECK?
>> Bill: I DID, FIRST I WAS
WRITING CHECKS FOR THIS WHOLE
LAST YEAR.
I WAS SHITTING IN MY PANTS I CAN
NEVER SHIT IN MY PANTS.
>> YOU HAD TO WRITE CHECK?
>> Bill: I WAS ONE OF THE
MINORITY OWNERS, WE DIDN'T PLAY
BASEBALL FOR 100 GAMES AND THEN
WHEN WE DID WE WERE SELLING
HOT DOGS.
THIS IS MY PROBLEM, WE CANNOT
REALLY, REALLY BE TALKING ABOUT
THIS.
>> YOUR ADVICE WHEN YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT THE SITUATION WITH THE
METS, I WAS OFFERED A PIECE OF
THE LAS VEGAS HOCKEY TEAM, THE
GOLDEN KNIGHTS, THE NHL TEAM
THEY SAID WE WOULD LIKE TO SELL
YOU 1% OF THE TEAM IT'S A GREAT
HONOR AND I THOUGHT ABOUT BILL
AND I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T SEEM
THAT ENTHUSED ABOUT OWNING THE
METS.
>> Bill: I DID UNTIL THE
PANDEMIC CAME ALONG.
BY THE WAY, I STILL MADE OUT
LIKE A FUCKING BANDIT, EVEN WITH
ALL OF THAT, I WAS RIGHT, IT'S
THE BEST INVESTMENT.
>> THEY WANT TO THE STANLEY CUP
IN THE FIRST SEASON!
>> Bill: WHO GIVES A SHIT,
IT'S HOCKEY, IT'S NOT EVEN
AMERICAN.
IF THE NATIONAL LEAGUE FRANCHISE
IN NEW YORK CITY, I KNEW IT
COULD NOT LOSE MONEY AND IT
DIDN'T.
>> WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK YOU TO
STAY WITH THE OWNERSHIP GROUP?
>> Bill: AFTER THE NEAR-DEATH
EXPERIENCE OF PANDEMIC WHEN I
WAS WRITING THOSE CHECKS, I
DIDN'T WANT TO AND I FELT WHO
GIVES A SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, I'M
OUT, IT WAS A GREAT TEN YEARS, I
GOT A PARKING SPOT AT
CITI FIELD, I WANT TO SEE ANY
GAME I WANTED TO.
>> DID YOUR PARKING SPOT AT
CITI FIELD ES SAY D STRAWBERRY N
IT?
>> Bill: MAY BE, THAT WOULD'VE
BEEN CONFUSING.
SPEAKING OF SPORTS, WHAT ABOUT
THE SUPER BOWL?
>> IS THAT THIS WEEKEND?
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: IF I HAD TO LISTEN TO
ANYMORE SPORTSCASTERS, ALL
PEOPLE ON TV SUCKING TOM BRADY'S
DICK --
[LAUGHTER]
RIGHT?
I GET IT, HE'S THE GREATEST, THE
GOAT, WHATEVER.
PLEASE, MAHOMES, BEAT THIS
MOTHER FUCKER -- I'M SO TIRED OF
LISTENING TO HOW GREAT TOM BRADY
IS.
>> MAHOMES SEEMS LIKE A NICE
GUY, TOM BRADY HAS CERTAINLY WON
HIS SHARE OF EVERYTHING, BUT I
AM ROOTING FOR HIM BECAUSE I
THINK -- AND I THINK THIS IS
TRUE FOR A LOT OF THESE
SPORTSCASTERS, THIS IS A GUY WHO
WAS TOLD BY HIS EMPLOYER -- BY
THE WAY, THIS REMINDS ME A
LITTLE BIT OF YOU AND I'LL
EXPLAIN WHY, STAY WITH ME.
WHEN YOU WERE AT ABC, THEY SAID
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, WE ARE
DONE, YOU WENT ON TO BECOME
TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL HERE AT
HBO.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: JIMMY.
>> I THINK YOU WANT THE
ACCOLADES YOURSELF.
EVERYBODY WHO HAS BEEN FIRED
FROM A JOB GOES I WOULD LOVE TO
SEE THIS GUY LEAVE HIS JOB, THEY
GO IN THE TOILET, HE GOES TO
TAMPA -- WHICH IS ALSO A TOILET,
LET'S BE HONEST.
I LIVE THERE, I KNOW AND HE'S IN
THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN.
AND WHO KNOWS?
HE MIGHT WIN IT.
>> Bill: YOU WERE UP IN VEGAS.
>> I GREW UP IN LAS VEGAS.
>> Bill: THE THING I MISS THE
MOST IN 2020 AND NOW THEY
CANCELED A BUNCH OF DATES AGAIN
IS TOURING, YOU DON'T REALLY
TOUR LIKE I DO.
>> I DO GO TO VEGAS, I HAVE A
COMEDY CLUB IN LAS VEGAS AND I
ENJOY GOING THERE.
>> Bill: I MISS VEGAS, THAT'S
ONE OF THE MAIN STOPS, AT THE
MIRAGE I HOPE IT RESUMES AGAIN.
I COULDN'T LIVE THERE, I LOVE
VEGAS FOR THE WEEKEND.
YOU GREW UP THERE, WHAT WAS THAT
LIKE?
HOW DID THAT SHAPE YOU GROWING
UP IN VEGAS?
>> IN A WEIRD WAY, I GUESS.
PEOPLE AND THEY ASK YOU ABOUT
GROWING UP IN LAS VEGAS, IT'S AS
IF YOU GREW UP IN A PIRATE SHIP
OR SOMETHING.
WAS IT SCARY, WERE YOU DRUNK ALL
THE TIME?
>> Bill: DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE
CLANGING OF THE BED WHEN IT WOKE
YOU UP?
THAT'S MY IMAGE OF VEGAS, WAKE
UP AND WHEN I GO DOWN TO VEGAS
AND ALL I HEAR -- BUT YOU GREW
UP IN A HOUSE.
>> I GREW UP IN A HOUSE, MY DAD
WORKED FOR THIS COMPANY THEY DID
MATH AND MY MOM WAS A HOOKER IT
WAS A NORMAL UPBRINGING.
[LAUGHTER]
NO DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE.
VEGAS IS DIFFERENT.
>> Bill: WE NEED THAT, WE NEED
ONE PLACE IN AMERICA THAT WILL
BE THE BASTION OF POLITICAL
INCORRECTNESS POLITICAL
INCORRECTNESS.
>> IT REALLY IS, YOU DRIVE IN
AND THERE'S A BILLBOARD, YOU CAN
DRIVE A TANK AND FIRE A MACHINE
GUN AT A VENTRILOQUIST AND
THERE'S ANOTHER GUY ON A
BILLBOARD HOLDING UP A LOBSTER
THE SIZE OF AN 8-YEAR-OLD.
WELL, I'M HOME.
>> Bill: WITH THE DIRECTION
THE COUNTRY IS GOING, SOMEPLACE
HAS TO BE A PLACE WHERE WE DON'T
HAVE TO CONFORM AND BE PERFECT,
RIGHT AUDIENCE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
>> I GET A KICK OUT OF WATCHING
YOU, I WANT YOU EVERY WEEK AND
I'VE ENJOYED TO BECAUSE I CAN
RELATE TO THE FACT THAT YOU ARE
DOING YOUR SHOW FOR YOUR OWN
STAFF AND I'M DOING MY SHOW FOR
MY OWN STAFF.
>> Bill: I DID YOUR SHOW WHEN
IT WAS YOUR STAFF AND THEY WERE
A GREAT CROWD.
>> THEY WERE GREAT FOR YOU.
I HAVE AN IDEA, MY STAFF IS SICK
OF ME.
>> Bill: SWITCH STAFF SPIRIT
>> LET'S TRADE!
TRADE STAFFS, IT WILL BEIKE
SWINGING EXCEPT FOR TALK SHOWS.
[LAUGHTER]
I HAVE ANOTHER PLAN AND I THINK
THIS IS A GOOD PLAN.
I'M TIRED OF DOING THE SHOW FOR
MY STAFF AND THEY ARE MORE TIRED
THAN I AM OF IT, SO WHO IS THE
GROUP THAT HAS BEEN VACCINATED
AND HAS NOTHING BUT FREE TIME?
OLD PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER]
I WANT TO START BRINGING
GROUPS -- TELL THEM THE BUSES
HEADED TO LAUGHLIN OR SOMETHING,
PUT IT ON, WE'LL HAVE BEEN GO
AND DO THE WHOLE THING.
I'LL GET A BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE.
>> Bill: THEY USED TO HAVE A
TALK SHOW THAT DID THAT, IT WAS
CALLED THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW.
[LAUGHTER]
I LOVE -- YOU WERE TOO YOUNG.
>> THAT IS NOT TRUE, IN FACT
MERV GRIFFIN, MIKE DOUGLAS,
THESE WERE THE YOUR HOME SICK
FROM SCHOOL SHOWS.
>> Bill: HE DID THREE TAPINGS
IN A DAY.
HE WANTED TIME OFF, HE HAD OTHER
ACTIVITIES.
IN VEGAS.
WITH DANNY TERRIO.
IT WAS 3:30, 4:30, FIVE: 30 --
AT 3:30, THERE WAS NOBODY THERE
UNDER 112 YEARS OLD AND I'M 28
AND TRYING TO DO COMEDY WITH
THESE PEOPLE.
>> SO I SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
>> Bill: I WAS WATCHING VIEW,
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU
TOOK THIS TRIP TO IDAHO.
>> I DID, YEAH.
>> Bill: WHICH NOW IS THE
NUMBER ONE DESTINATION, ONE OF
THE TOP DESTINATION FOR PEOPLE
LEAVING CALIFORNIA WHICH IS A
BIG THING.
THERE'S A BIG EXODUS, I READ IT
IN THE PAPER, ALL THE TECH GUYS.
>> TO MIAMI?
>> Bill: YES.
I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO
CALIFORNIA HOPEFULLY TONIGHT, A
LITTLE LATER, I DO HAVE
SOMETHING AT THE DESK WHICH I
WANT TO SHOW -- I HAVE MY
PROBLEMS WITH CALIFORNIA.
THE REGULATIONS AND TAXES AND
THE FIRES LET IDAHO, LET'S TALK
ABOUT IDAHO.
I ONCE WENT ON VACATION TO
SOUTH DAKOTA WHICH IS NOT A
PLACE YOU THINK YOU WOULD FIND
ME AND I HAD A GREAT TIME.
AGAIN, I WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE
THERE, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING
ABOUT THOSE STATES AND THE
PEOPLE IN THEM, YOU TELL ME WHAT
IT IS.
>> FOR US, THE REASON WE WENT
THERE -- I BOUGHT A PLACE IN
IDAHO, THAT'S A MUCH I LIKE IT
THERE.
WE HAD BEEN IN THE HOUSE WITH
THE KIDS FOR TOO LONG AND SO WE
DECIDED, I BOUGHT AN RV WE
DECIDED TO PUT THEM IN A SMALLER
HOUSE THAT WOULD MAKE THEM THROW
UP AND WE WANTED TO JUST GET OUT
AND SEE THE COUNTRY AND BREATHE
THE AIR AND EAT AT CHILI'S -- WE
DIDN'T REALLY STOP ANYWHERE
ALONG THE WAY, WE KEPT IT VERY
SELF CONTAINED.
WE WENT UP TO IDAHO AND IT WAS A
GREAT TIME, WE GOT TO GO, WE SAW
MOUNT ZION AND THE KIDS GOT TO
LOOK AT YOUTUBE ON THEIR iPADS
IN MOUNT ZION [LAUGHTER]
AND THEN WE GOT BACK IN THE RV,
THE TRIP BACK IS NO GOOD BECAUSE
YOU KNOW YOU'RE HEADED HOME, YOU
KNOW WHAT'S IN STORE.
THE ONE THAT SAYS SOMETHING
RIGHT THERE.
>> THAT DOES SAY SOMETHING.
WE GET BACK IN THE RV AND WE
STOP IN THIS CAMPGROUND THEY HAD
THESE NICE TENTS SET UP AND WE
GET THE KIDS IN THE BED AND WE
ARE LAYING IN A TENT AND IT'S
HOT, REALLY HOT, NO AIR
CONDITIONING -- DID YOU KNOW
TENTS DON'T HAVE AIR
CONDITIONING?
>> Bill: TENTS.
>> AND I'M LAYING THERE AND I
SAY TO MY WIFE, LET'S DRIVE TO
VEGAS.
WE PACKED THE KIDS UP, WE GOT IN
THE RV AND WE DROVE TO CAESAR'S
PALACE AND THEY HAVE PARKING FOR
RVs AT CAESAR'S PALACE AND
THAT'S WHERE WE SPENT THE LAST
NIGHT.
>> Bill: DRIVE THEM OVER THE
SNAKE RIVER LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL
DID.
JIMMY, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
IF TEARS IN EYES.
>> SORRY ABOUT THE PARKING SPOT
I WILL CHANGE IT TO KEITH
HERNANDEZ OR SOMETHING.
>> Bill: JIMMY KIMMEL, THANKS,
PAL.
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL!
OKAY.
HERE THEY ARE.
HE'S THE HOST OF "THE REASON
ROUNDTABLE" PODCAST AND CO-HOST
OF "THE FIFTH COLUMN" PODCAST:
TURTLE PODCASTS!
MATT WELCH.
TURTLE PODCASTS.
SHE'S THE SENIOR CORRESPONDENT
AT TIME AND AUTHOR OF "THE ONES
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR: HOW A
NEW GENERATION OF LEADERS WILL
TRANSFORM AMERICA": CHARLOTTE
ALTER.
BEFORE I LET YOU TWO TALK WANT
TO SHOW THIS THING, DAYS WAITING
FOR SOLAR.
PEOPLE WHO WATCH MY SHOW NO I
HAVE BEEN BITCHING, I HAVE BEEN
BITCHING ABOUT THE FACT THAT
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THE
SOLAR TURNED ON AT MY HOUSE FOR
OVER THREE YEARS.
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO WANT SOLAR
RIGHT AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
GOOD TO?
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.
I READ IN A COLUMN LAST WEEK,
THE PENTAGON WAS BUILT IN 16
MONTHS DURING THE WAR 500 DAYS
WRITTEN EMPIRE STATE BUILDING,
410 DAYS DURING THE DEPRESSION.
THE LITTLE SHED TO COME I HAD TO
BUILD A LITTLE SHED TO HOUSE THE
SOLAR BECAUSE IT COMES IN ON A
POLE BUT THE POLL ISN'T GOOD FOR
SOLAR -- THE SHED JUST GOT BUILT
LIKE TWO OR THREE MONTHS AGO, I
JUST GOT THE SHED IN, NOW WE
JUST HAVE TO TURN ON, 1,082
DAYS.
KNOW IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS
TOMORROW AND I JUST WANT THESE
PEOPLE TO KNOW, I'M GOING TO
LEAVE THIS HERE.
I JUST THINK THIS IS A TERRIBLE
ADVERTISEMENT FOR DEMOCRATS.
>> THE NEIGHBORHOOD I GREW UP IN
CALIFORNIA IN LONG BEACH IS THE
NEIGHBORHOOD THAT --
>> Bill: YOU GREW UP HERE?
>> YEAH, LIKE 60,000 PEOPLE.
IT WAS BUILT IN A YEAR AND A
HALF IN THE 1950s.
GRANTED, THERE WAS LAND BACK
THERE BUT CALIFORNIA DOESN'T
BUILD THINGS AND THEN GETS
REALLY SURPRISED WHEN IT HAS
TONS OF HOMELESS PEOPLE.
IF YOU DON'T ALLOW THINGS TO GET
BUILT IF YOU DRAG OUT APPROVAL
PROCESSES FOREVER, WHAT HAPPENS?
YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH HOUSING
AND EVERYONE IS PERPETUALLY
SURPRISED AS IF THIS MAGIC
SUPPLY-DEMAND THING.
YOU MAY NOT APPLIES ALSO TO
HOUSING?
IT DOES, SADLY.
AND THE APPROVAL PROCESS IS A
CULPRIT OF THAT.
>> SO MUCH OF THIS IS BECAUSE WE
HAVEN'T DECIDED IT'S A NATIONAL
PROJECT TO GET PEOPLE SOLAR.
IT HASN'T BEEN A PRIORITY FOR
ANY REAL ADMINISTRATION EXCEPT
POSSIBLY THIS ONE WHICH IS ONLY
BEEN IN OFFICE FOR LIKE TWO
WEEKS.
>> Bill: IS A PRIORITY IN
THEORY BUT IN PRACTICE.
THAT'S THE THING, THEY TALK
ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S A PRIORITY
BUT THEN WHEN YOU GO AND DO IT,
YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY GET IT DONE.
>> HAVE THEY TOLD YOU YET ABOUT
HOW YOU HAVE TO CLEAN IT EVERY
18 MONTHS?
>> Bill: I'LL LICK IT.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS WEEK I'M ALSO READING ABOUT
THE FACT THAT 44 SAN FRANCISCO
HIGH SCHOOLS, DID YOU SEE THIS?
ARE HAVING TO CHANGE THEIR NAME
BECAUSE THE SCHOOL BOARD HAD A
BLUE RIBBON COMMITTEE THAT JUST
WENT ON WIKIPEDIA AND LOOKED UP
EVERYBODY'S NAME WHOSE ON A
HIGH SCHOOL AND IF THEY FOUND
ANYTHING, YOU KNOW WHO CAN'T BE
ON A HIGH SCHOOL?
GEORGE WASHINGTON,
THOMAS JEFFERSON,
ABRAHAM LINCOLN -- LINCOLN.
DIANNE FEINSTEIN IS STILL A
SENATOR.
SHE'S BEEN A SENATOR A LONG TIM
TIME.
IN 1984, SHE'S THE MAYOR OF
SAN FRANCISCO AND IF THERE ARE
ALL THESE CULTURAL HISTORIC
FLAGS IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING
AND SOMEBODY TOOK DOWN THE
CONFEDERATE FLAG AND SHE EITHER
REPLACED IT OR DIDN'T STOP IT --
WHO GIVES A FUCK?
THIS IS NOT AFFECTING ANYBODY'S
LIVES.
IT'S A VIRTUAL SIGNALING OF I'M
GOING TO DISAPPEAR THIS PERSON
BECAUSE IN 1984 THEY DIDN'T
REPLACE THE WHITE FLAG.
I'M SAYING THIS IS AN IMPORTANT
ISSUE BUT WHEN YOU CAN'T PUT UP
THE FIRES AND YOU CAN'T BUILD A
HOUSE, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS IS
WHAT YOU SPEND YOUR TIME DOING.
IT LOOKS TO A LOT OF THE
COUNTRY, THIS IS WHAT THE LEFT
IS OBSESSED WITH, NOT REAL
PROGRESS, THIS NONSENSE.
THERE'S A WAY IN WHICH THIS IS
AN IMPORTANT ISSUE.
>> THERE ARE 50,000 KIDS IN
SAN FRANCISCO WHO HAVEN'T SET
FOOT IN A SCHOOL FOR 329 DAYS --
THINK ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S APPALLING.
YOU ARE A SCHOOL DISTRICT AND
YOU HAVE ONE JOB, YOUR JOB IS TO
PROVIDE EDUCATION TO KIDS.
THEY ARE NOT DOING THAT JOB.
THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUFFERING
FROM THAT JOB ARE POOR AND
MINORITY KIDS MOST OF ALL AND
INSTEAD OF SPENDING EVERY BIT OF
TIME AND MONEY, YOU GOT TO
CHANGE NAMES OF SCHOOLS, INSTEAD
OF DOING THAT TO OPEN THE
SCHOOLS INTO THE ONE JOB YOU'RE
DOING THIS BAD WIKIPEDIA VIRTUAL
SIGNALING WHERE PAUL REVERE GETS
CANCELED FOR THE WRONG REASON.
>> Bill: WHAT DID HE DO?
>> HE DIDN'T RIDE FAST ENOUGH, I
DON'T KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
THE OTHER PART OF THIS IS THAT
THIS KIND OF VIRTUAL SIGNALING
IN THIS KIND OF POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS IS ONE OF THE ONLY
THINGS THAT IS DRIVING YOUNG
PEOPLE TO THE RIGHT.
>> Bill: YOUNG PEOPLE.
>> NOT ALL YOUNG PEOPLE OF
COURSE BUT THE YOUNG PEOPLE THAT
I'VE SPOKEN TO WHO ARE MOVING TO
THE RIGHT WHO ARE BECOMING
CONSERVATIVE, IT'S OFTEN BECAUSE
OF STUFF LIKE THIS.
IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY DON'T
BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE, IT'S
NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE A
DIFFERENCE -- THEY AREN'T DRIVEN
BY TAXES, IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY
HAVE A SMALL BUSINESS, IT'S
BECAUSE THEY ARE FRUSTRATED WITH
THIS TYPE OF LEFT-WING VIRTUAL
SIGNALING AND WE EVEN SEE THAT
IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY RIGHT
NOW BECAUSE ALMOST ALL OF THE
RISING STARS IN THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY HAVE DEFINED THEMSELVES IN
OPPOSITION TO CANCEL CULTURE.
THEY HAVEN'T DEFINED THEMSELVES
WITH ANY KIND OF REAL POLICY
AGENDA.
LOOK AT THE STANDING OVATION FOR
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
THE QUICKEST WAY TO MAKE A HERO
ON THE RIGHT IS TO CANCEL HIM ON
THE LEFT.
>> Bill: THEY ARE CO-OPTING
THAT TERM.
I HAVE MY ISSUES WITH CANCEL
CULTURE LIKE I THINK A LOT OF
SANE PEOPLE DO, JUST LIKE I HAVE
ISSUES WHEN TRUMP WAS TALKING
ABOUT -- WHEN PEOPLE WERE
TALKING ABOUT TRUMP USING FAKE
NEWS AND WITHIN WEEKS, TRUMPED
UP THAT TERM AND MADE IT HIS.
THAT STARTED OUT, THEM CALLING
HIS ASS ON THAT, YOU'RE DOING
FAKE NEWS AND THEN IT WAS HIM
SAYING EVERYTHING IS FAKE NEWS.
NOW I THINK THIS IS HAPPENING
WITH CANCEL CULTURE.
>> JIM JORDAN LITERALLY USED IT
ABOUT MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE,
WERE JUST GOOD HAVE TO COME UP
WITH A DIFFERENT PHRASE TO
DESCRIBE IT.
IT HAS TO DO WITH ARE YOU
GETTING UP ON SOMEONE WHO
DOESN'T HOLD POWER -- IT'S NOT
JUST A CONSEQUENCE OF THEIR
ACTIONS BUT DID THEY MAKE A
MINOR SLIP UP AT THE TIME DIDN'T
FEEL LIKE IT AND SUDDENLY THEY
ARE OUT OF A JOB.
IT HAPPENED TO A
"NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTER TODAY,
HE GOT CANCELED.
HE GOT FIRED FROM HIS JOB
BECAUSE HE USED THE N-WORD IN
THE CONTEXT OF TALKING ABOUT
RACIST LANGUAGE, NOT AS A SLUR
TOWARDS ANYBODY.
ONE STRIKE AND YOU'RE OUT AND
WHAT DOES EVERY SINGLE
CONSERVATIVE ABOUT TWITTER SAY
ABOUT THAT TODAY?
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" IS CRAZY,
THE LEFT IS CRAZY, THEY'VE GOT
TO STOP IT AND THAT IS
ATTRACTIVE.
>> Bill: CANCELING LINCOLN.
YOU'RE A MILLENNIAL, RIGHT?
MOST OF THE PEOPLE I HANG OUT
WITH NOW ARE MILLENNIALS
ESPECIALLY IN THE PANDEMIC.
>> DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
>> Bill: I LOVE MY MILLENNIAL
FRIENDS, I DO, THANK GOD FOR
THEM BECAUSE THE PEOPLE MY AGE,
THEY ARE AFRAID TO GO OUT I
DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK OF
THEIR PROBLEM IS BUT THEY JUST
DON'T HANG.
THEY'RE MARRIED, THEY CAN'T KEEP
UP WITH ME, WHAT CAN I SAY?
HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
BOOMERS AND MILLENNIALS.
BOOMERS DON'T HAVE ISSUES WITH
THEIR OWN GENERATION SO MUCH, MY
MILLENNIAL FRIENDS ALL HAVE
ISSUES WITH HER OWN GENERATION.
THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR OWN
GENERATION, MAYBE I'M WITH THE
SANE ONES BUT -- I'M GUESSING
THIS IS COMING FROM MILLENNIALS
THAT THEY WOULD TAKE THE NAME
LINCOLN OFF OF THE HIGH SCHOOL,
WHAT IS IT WITH NOTHINGNESS GOOD
ENOUGH ENOUGH FOR THEM?
LINCOLN?
LINCOLN IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR
YOU?
WHAT THE FUCK, WHY?
[APPLAUSE]
WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM?
>> I THINK THERE'S A COUPLE
THINGS HAPPENING.
MATT'S GREAT POINT ABOUT ONE
STRIKE, YOU'RE OUT.
THAT HAS HISTORY IN THE WAY
MILLENNIALS WERE RAISED.
IN THE 1980s AND 90s, THAT
WAS THE FIRST TIME PEOPLE WERE
TALKING ABOUT THE BULLYING AS A
PROBLEM IN SCHOOLS, SO YOU BEGAN
TO HAVE THESE ZERO-TOLERANCE
POLICIES IN SCHOOLS WHERE PEOPLE
MY AGE GREW UP AND THOSE
ZERO-TOLERANCE POLICIES MEANT
THAT IF SOMEBODY CALLED SOME OF
THE NAME ON THE PLAYGROUND OR
GOT IN A FIGHT WHEN THEY WERE
NINE OR PUSHED SOMEBODY OFF A
SWING, THEY COULD GET SUSPENDED
OR EXPELLED.
ONE STRIKE, YOU'RE OUT.
THAT'S WHAT ZERO-TOLERANCE MEAN
MEANT.
THIS IDEA THERE WOULD BE A
DRACONIAN PUNISHMENT FOR THE
SEEMINGLY INNOCUOUS THING IS
SOMETHING THAT THE BOOMERS
CREATED BECAUSE THEY WERE SO
AFRAID OF THEIR KIDS BEING
BULLIED IN SCHOOL BECAUSE HEAVEN
FORBID THEIR PRECIOUS CHILDREN
EVER HAVE A MINUTE OF
DISCOMFORT.
>> Bill: YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY
RAISE THEIR KIDS WRONG.
WAS IT REALLY BOOMERS WHO RAISED
MILLENNIALS?
WHY DOES GEN X -- WHY ARE THEY
COMPLETELY -- THEY SLIDE ON THE
WHOLE GENERATIONAL BATTLE.
>> WE WERE SLACKERS ORIGINALLY.
>> Bill: YOU HAD NO CHILDREN?
>> WE DO HAVE CHILDREN AND WE
SEE THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY,
ESPECIALLY ITS REINFORCED BY
SCHOOLS NONSTOP.
WHAT THE EFFECT IS AS IT MAKES
ALL PARENTS -- I LIVE IN
BROOKLYN WHERE THEY VOTED 103%
FOR JOE BIDEN PROBABLY BUT
PARENTS ARE ALL AGGRESSIVELY
ROLLING THEIR EYES OF THE
NONSTOP MESSAGING THAT'S VERY,
VERY SUPER WOKE AND POLITICALLY
CORRECT BUT THEY DARE NOT SAY A
WORD BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO
BE TARRED AS BEING RACIST.
IF THIS IS BEING USED IN SCHOOL
OPENING CONTEXT.
IN CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS,
THEY SAY WE AREN'T GOING TO
REOPEN THE SCHOOLS BECAUSE IT'S
AN ARTIFACT OF WHITE SUPREMACY.
IN CHICAGO, TEACHERS ARE NOT
SHOWING UP TO WORK RIGHT NOW,
THEY SAY THEY ARE DOING THIS
BECAUSE THE REOPENING DRIVE IS
AN ARTIFACT OF RACISM, SEXISM,
MISOGYNY.
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL
BUT THERE ARE THESE WORDS THAT
CAN BE USED AS A WEAPON TO COW
PEOPLE INTO SILENCE AND THAT'S
WHERE IT'S THE MOST PERNICIOUS.
>> Bill: THAT IS SO TRUE.
I WANT TO SAY THIS ABOUT
PARENTS.
I FEEL FOR PARENTS TODAY,
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T RAISE YOUR KID
IN A VACUUM.
IF ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE DOING
IT, YOU CAN'T TELL YOUR KID YOU
CAN'T HAVE A PHONE, I GET THAT.
THEY ARE ALSO LITTLE FOR THEIR
CHILDREN AND IT RUINS BOTH THEIR
LIVES.
IT RUINS THE KID AND IT RUINS
THE PARENT.
THAT'S ONE THING, THE OTHER
THTHING I THINK HIS PHONES -- YR
GENERATION, HOW OLD WERE YOU
WHEN YOU FIRST HAD A PHONE?
>> I WAS MAYBE 14.
>> Bill: THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
AND NOW THEY PROBABLY HAVE THEM
AT TEN OR YOUNGER AND I THINK
PHONES MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON, I
DO.
[APPLAUSE]
THEY MAKE YOU SHADY.
>> HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE PHONES?
>> Bill: WE ALL DO BUT THEY
MAKE YOU SHADY AND
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, THEY MAKE
YOU FAKE, COWARDLY AND BULLYING.
WHEN YOU'RE ANONYMOUS YOU COULD
BE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE YOU WANT.
EVERYTHING IS NOT REAL WITH THE
PHONE.
THE FILTERS --
>> THE PANDEMIC HAS GOOSED THAT
NEGATIVE ASPECT BECAUSE WE
HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND EACH OTHER.
WHEN WE ARE IN A ROOM TOGETHER
AND I'M SURE YOU FOUND US DOING
YOUR SHOW REMOTE, YOU JUST CAN'T
READ THE ROOM.
YOU CAN'T ACT LIKE SO MUCH OF AN
ASSHOLE, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE
YOU'RE GOING TO GET IMMEDIATE
NEGATIVE FEEDBACK, YOU'RE GOOD
TO FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT IN
PERSON.
IF THERE ARE GENERATIONS OF KIDS
RIGHT NOW WHO HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO SEE THEIR PEERS FOR A LONG
TIME AND YOU HAVE THIS FLATTENIG
OF DIGITAL COMMUNICATION AND
THAT'S WHERE IT GETS BAD.
I THINK ONCE PEOPLE START
ACTUALLY SEEING EACH OTHER AND
PICKING NITS OUT OF THEIR HAIR
AND DOING THE NORMAL CHIMPANZEE
STUFF WE DO WHEN WE ARE AROUND
EACH OTHER, THEN WE ARE GOING TO
STOP BEING SO FOCUSED ON THESE
FLAT COMMUNICATIONS WHERE WE
CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE ARE
SAYING OR CHERRY PICK SOMETHING
BAD THAT THEY DID AND TRY TO
RUIN THEIR LIVES.
>> THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS ALSO,
EVERY TIME THERE'S A NEW
TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE SAY THIS IS
GOING TO RUIN THE KIDS.
TV IS GOING TO RUIN THE KIDS,
PEOPLE THOUGHT THE RADIO WAS
GOING TO RUIN THE KIDS AND I
DON'T KNOW.
>> Bill: BUT THIS ONE REALLY
IS.
[LAUGHTER]
I GET YOUR POINT AND IT'S TRUE.
>> THE OLD GUY NEVER SAYS THAT.
>> Bill: I ALWAYS ASKED THAT
QUESTION, AM I HITTING THIS
BECAUSE I'M 65 RIGHT NOW?
I CHECKED MYSELF, I'M LOOKING AT
THIS OBJECTIVELY, IT REALLY IS
BAD.
IT REALLY DOES MAKE YOU A
COWARD, THAT PHONE.
GHOSTING PEOPLE, HAVING NO
ABILITY TO CONFRONT -- THAT'S
NOT A GOOD THING.
I READ SOMETHING WHERE 81% OF
MILLENNIALS HAVE ANXIETY JUST TO
MAKE A PHONE CALL, LET ALONE GET
ONE WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHO IT
IS.
WE USED THE JUST GO "HELLO, WHO
WAS IT?
HIGH MATT, IT'S BILL MAHER, CAN
I TALK TO MICHELLE?"
>> KNOW WHEN YOU GET A PHONE
CALL IT'S YOU THINK SOMEONE
DIED.
YOU THINK IT'S THE HOSPITAL
GIVING YOU WITH THE PHONE CALL.
I DON'T FOR GET BETTER OR WORSE,
I JUST THINK IT'S DIFFERENT.
ALL THE WAYS THAT PEOPLE
COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER AND
THEY HAVE CONFRONTATIONS AND
THEY EXPERIENCED REJECTION AND
HAVE ARGUMENTS, THEY DO IT
THROUGH THE PHONE AND I
CERTAINLY THINK YOU'RE TOTALLY
RIGHT, THERE'S A LOT THAT IS
LOST WITHIN PERSON COMMUNICATION
AND THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS
BEEN ESPECIALLY TRUE WITH
CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
CONSPIRACY THEORIES SPREAD TOO
MUCH MORE EASILY IN DIGITAL
COMMUNITIES THAN THEY DO IN REAL
WORLD -- IN PERSON CONVERSATIONS
BECAUSE SOMEBODY SAID SOMETHING
CRAZY AND THEY CAN SEE ON THE
OTHER PERSON'S FACE "THAT'S
NUTS."
IRONICALLY, THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
MOST SUSCEPTIBLE TO THAT ARE THE
OLDER PEOPLE WHO DON'T ACTUALLY
KNOW AND UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY
THAT WELL AND AREN'T THAT
AFFLUENT AND HOW INFORMATION
MOVES ACROSS THE INTERNET.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT THAT THE
INTERNET IS RUINING SOCIETY TO
SOME EXTENT, BUT ACTUALLY THE
YOUNGER PEOPLE WHO GREW UP
UNDERSTANDING IT AND USING IT
ARE MORE EQUIPPED TO SERVE IT.
>> Bill: IT ALSO MAKES THEM
MORE EQUIPPED TO BE MORE
SQUARELY.
>> IT'S ALSO A CREATIVE TOOL.
I HAVE A 12-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
WHO DOES ALL KINDS OF CRAZY
CREATIVE STUFF ON TICK TOCK,
THAT'S A POSITIVE THING TOO.
LIKE ALL NEW THINGS YOU HAVE TO
FIGURE IT OUT AND MONITOR IT AND
MAKE SURE PEOPLE EMERGE FROM
THEIR ROOMS MORE THAN ONCE EVERY
FOUR MONTHS BUT IT CAN BE A
SOURCE OF CREATIVITY AND STAYING
IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE LIKE HER
GRANDPARENTS FOR MANY THOUSANDS
OF MILES AWAY.
>> Bill: IT'S A NEW ERA NOW,
WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT, WE
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME
TO DO ONE OF OUR FAVORITE
REFILLABLES CALLED I DON'T KNOW
FOR A FACT, I JUST KNOW IT'S
TRUE.
THERE ARE THINGS IN THIS WORLD I
FREELY ADMIT I DO NOT KNOW FOR A
FACT, I JUST KNOW THEIR TRUE.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
KEITH RICHARDS GOT COVID AND
DIDN'T CARE.
I JUST KNOW IT'S TRUE.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
WHEN YOU THROW OUT CHEF
BOYARDEE, THE RACOONS WHO EAT IT
HATE THEMSELVES.
I JUST KNOW IT'S TRUE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
ARMIE HAMMER JOINED A DATING
SITE CALLED EAT-HARMONY.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
THERE ARE NOW A DOZEN GARAGE
BANDS CALLED "JEWISH SPACE
LASER."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
MOST OF THE ANTI-WALL STREET
GAMESTOP CRUSADERS WILL BE
STOCKBROKERS IN 10 YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE, THAT'S NOT
EVEN A JOKE.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
KOMBUCHA IS THE JAPANESE WORD
FOR "POND WATER."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
JUSTIN TRUDEAU MOONLIGHTS AS A
TANTRIC YOGA INSTRUCTOR.
[LAUGHTER]
I FEEL THAT'S TRUE.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT SEARS
AND JC PENNEY WILL MERGE INTO A
MEGA-CHAIN CALLED "SUCK MART."
I JUST KNOW IT'S TRUE.
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS POINTING A LITTLE FUN AT
ARMY ARMIE HAMMER THERE, IT SEES
FRIVOLOUS TO BRING HIM UP AND I
THINK WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS
WITH RELATION TO WHERE FEMINISM
IS.
APPARENTLY ARMIE HAMMER HAS A
PREDILECTION TO TELL HIS DATES
HE WANTS TO EAT THEM AND WHO
WOULDN'T WANT TO BE EATEN BY
AARMIE HAMMER, COME ON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
EXACTLY MY POINT, THANK YOU,
HONEST WOMAN.
THIS IS SOMETHING CALLED ETHICAL
HUMAN CANNIBAL FETISHISM.
NO ACTUAL WOMEN WERE EATING IN
THE MAKING OF THIS MOVIE,
THEY'RE JUST TALKING.
THEY HAVE IS TEXT WHERE HE
SAYING THINGS LIKE I WANT TO
TAKE YOUR RIB OUT AND EAT IT
WITH BARBECUE SAUCE.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS JUST THE
SUBWAY STOP PAST I WANT TO SPANK
YOU BUT WE ARE IN SUCH A PORN
CENTRIC SOCIETY WHERE PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN WATCHING SO MUCH
HARD-CORE PORN THAT SPANKING
DOESN'T REALLY CUT IT ANYMORE,
NOW I WANT TO TAKE YOUR RIB OUT
AND EAT PART OF YOU.
MY POINT IS THE WOMEN WHO ARE
OBJECTING TO THIS, WHO WENT OUT
WITH ARMIE HAMMER WILLINGLY AND
STAYED IN WILLINGLY, IT WASN'T
PHYSICAL BAD STUFF HAPPENING, WE
WOULDN'T HAVE A DISCUSSION, WE
WOULD ALL AGREE THAT IS
INTOLERABLE.
BUT IF THERE IS NO PHYSICAL
COERCION, WHY ISN'T THIS JUST
FILED UNDER "THAT SEEMED LIKE A
GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME TO LET
ARMIE HAMMER EAT ME BUT IT
REALLY WASN'T."
IT SEEMS LIKE WE DON'T HAVE ANY
OWNERSHIP ANY MORE OF OWN
CHOICES.
>> BUT THERE WAS SOME PHYSICAL
STUFF, RIGHT?
SOME OF THE WOMEN HAVE ALLEGED
THAT THERE WAS SLAPPING AROUND,
ONE WOMAN SAID HE CARVED HIS
INITIALS INTO HER BODY.
>> Bill: DID HE TIE HER DOWN
AND DO THAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW, IT'S A GOOD
QUESTION.
>> BARE WE SURE IT'S CONSENSUALS
MIKE >> THEY AREN'T SAYING IT
WASN'T, THEY ARE SAYING IT'S
CREEPY WHICH I DON'T WANT TO
INVITE HIM OVER FOR BARBECUE, IT
DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.
I CLICKED ON THE LINK ABOUT THE
CUTTING STUFF BECAUSE I THINK
IT'S A WHOLE CULTURE, IT CREEPS
ME OUT, IT'S WRONG AND I WAS
EXPECTED TO BE HORRIFIED, IT'S A
LITTLE BIT LETTER A DOWN HERE
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A TATTOO GONE
SLIGHTLY WRONG.
THE PERSON WASN'T TRYING TO GET
FREE WHEN THAT WAS DONE.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT?
AS AN OUTSIDER COME AS A
SOCIETY, WHAT YOU DO WITH THOSE
PEOPLE IN THAT MOMENT DECIDE IT
WAS A GREAT IDEA TO GET A
PENKNIFE AND CARVE ON LE A -- TE
AREN'T LAWS FOR THAT.
PRESS CHARGES WHEN SOMETHING IS
NOT VOLUNTARY, PRESS CHARGES
WHEN SOMEONE COMMITTED VIOLENCE
AGAINST YOU, BUT THAT DOESN'T
SEEM LIKE WHAT THIS IS.
>> THIS IS EXACTLY ONE OF THE
THINGS THAT I THINK IS HAPPENING
NOW WHICH RELATES BACK TO THE
SCHOOL THING.
LIKE YOU SAID, WE HAVE A
CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM THAT IF
YOU STEAL A CANDY BAR AND YOU
ROB TEN BANKS, YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE DIFFERENT PUNISHMENTS
BECAUSE THOSE TWO THINGS ARE
DIFFERENT CRIMES.
NOW WE HAVE THIS CONCEPT OF
SOCIAL JUSTICE WHICH I THINK
#MeToo AND THE CONVERSATION OF
FEMINISM AND CONSENT WOULD COME
UNDER THIS UMBRELLA BUT THERE
ISN'T A SYSTEM FOR EDUCATING THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DISEASE I'M
SORRY AND HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN
WHEN YOU HAVE THAT IS MEANT FOR
VERY UNDERSTANDABLE REASONS ARE
NOW TREMENDOUSLY ANXIOUS AND I
COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHY.
THERE IS A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF
ANXIETY THAT THEIR BEHAVIOR
COULD GET THEM COMPLETELY
SHUNNED FROM SOCIETY.
GUESS WHAT?
>> Bill: THAT'S A GOOD --
>> WOMEN HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH
THAT ANXIETY THAT THEIR
SEXUALITY CAN RUIN THEIR LIFE
FOR LITERALLY MILLENNIA.
THE IDEA THAT SEX HAS
CONSEQUENCES, OBVIOUSLY THE
BIOLOGICAL CONSEQUENCES OF
GETTING PREGNANT BUT UNTIL,
MAXIMUM, 70 YEARS AGO WOMEN
COULD BE -- AND STILL IN SOME
PARTS OF THE WORLD -- WOMEN
COULD BE OSTRACIZED, MURDERED,
TORTURED, FORCED INTO HORRIBLE
MARRIAGE FOR TALKING TO THE
WRONG PERSON, FOR HAVING SEX OUT
OF WEDLOCK, FOR SHOWING THEIR
ANKLES, ALL KINDS OF RIDICULOUS
STUFF.
THE IDEA THAT THERE IS NOW
SUDDENLY CONSEQUENCES THAT MIGHT
FEEL AND I AGREE ARE UNFAIR
GIVEN THAT, YOU'RE RIGHT IT'S
POSSIBLE THIS WAS CONSENSUAL.
BUT I THINK YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT
IT IN A BROADER CONTEXT OF WOMEN
HAVE HAD TO PONDER THE
EXTRAORDINARY CONSEQUENCES OF
SEX FOR ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY AND
NOW MEN ARE GETTING A TASTE OF
IT.
>> Bill: THAT IS ALL TRUE, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT HAS TO DO
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST YEAR
WITH ARMY HAMMER.
SHE'S NOT BEARING THAT WHOLE
HISTORY ON HER SHOULDERS, SHE
WAS BORN 25 YEARS AGO, SHE
PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ALL
THAT.
>> I THINK WHAT I'M SAYING IS
THAT IS IT SUCH A HUGE CRIME NOW
THAT SOME MEN HAVE TO THINK
ABOUT THE WAY THEY BEHAVE
SEXUALLY AS IF IT COULD HAVE A
TREMENDOUS UNFAIR CONSEQUENCES
FOR THEM.
>> Bill: IT'S NOT, WHEN IT
FIRST HAPPENED I CALLED IT
PLAYING WITH FIVE FOULS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU FOLLOW
BASKETBALL YOU'RE ALLOWED SIX
VOWELS, IF YOU HAVE FIVE FOULS,
YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHO
YOU'RE GOING TO FOUL.
YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIVE FILES,
YOU CAN STAY IN THE GAME BUT YOU
BETTER BE CAREFUL AND THAT WAS A
GREAT THING THAT HAPPENED TO
MEN.
>> KIND OF IRONIC IN THIS
CONVERSATION THAT WILT
CHAMBERLAIN NEVER FOULED OUT.
>> Bill: DIDN'T HE SAY HE HAD
20,000 CONQUESTS?
>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THE THING THAT IS HAPPENING NOW
THAT I'M ALARMED OF AS PART OF
THIS IS IN SOME PLACES LAWS ARE
CHANGING.
THEY CHANGED COLLEGE CAMPUS
ADJUDICATION AND THEY CHANGED IT
BACK UP BUT FOR ABOUT FOUR OR
FIVE YEARS, YOU COULD EASILY
JUST GET KICKED OUT OF YOUR
COLLEGE TO ACCUSATIONS OF A
SEXUAL ASSAULT ABOUT BEING ABLE
TO DEFEND YOURSELF.
THEY THROUGH DUE PROCESS OUT THE
WINDOW IN THE NAME OF BELIEVING
WOMEN MORE STRONGLY, I THINK
THAT'S WRONG.
IN NEW YORK, GOVERNOR CUOMO SAID
WE NEED TO CLOSE SOMETHING
CALLED THE INTOXICATION LOOPHOLE
OF SEXUAL ASSAULT LAW SO THAT IF
YOU GOT DRUNK ON PURPOSE AND
THEN CONSENTED AND HAD SEX ON
PURPOSE BUT THEN REGRETTED IT
SOMETIME LATER, YOU COULD STILL
CLASSIFY THIS AS A
SEXUAL ASSAULT SAYING YOU COULD
HAVE BEEN IN YOUR CAPACITY.
I THINK DOWN THAT PATH IS WHERE
INJUSTICE IS GOING TO LIE AND
YOU'RE GOING TO GET GOVERNMENT
INVOLVED IN HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?
HOW MUCH DID YOU CONSENT AND
THAT IS A SQUARELY PLACE TO BE.
THE OTHER PLACE AND THE DISEASE
ITO AZIZ EXAMPLE, YOU COULD GO N
THE MEDIA, SHE'S LOOSE OR SHE'S
A SLUT OR A WAY AND MEN THAT USO
TALK ABOUT WOMEN IT IS TO BE
TERRIBLE, YOU COULD HAVE YOUR
POST FACT ALL REGRET DISCUSSION
ABOUT A PERSON.
MAYBE THAT IS WARNING FUTURE
PARTNERS THAT HE IS GOING TO
TALK ABOUT YOUR RIB IN A WAY
THAT'S GOING TO BE UNSETTLING SO
MAYBE THAT HAS
USES BUT I KNOW THIS IS HAPPENED
ACTUALLY HUMAN BEINGS IT HAS RUS
THAT WEREN'T CLEAR.
>> Bill: IN THAT CASE HAS MANY
PEOPLE HAVE SAID, IT WAS JUST A
BAD DATE, SHE HAD MANY
OPPORTUNITIES TO LEAVE, HE IS
5'4", HE DIDN'T DRAG HER TO HIS
APARTMENT.
>> I THINK YOU MADE A LOT OF
GREAT POINTS AND I AGREE WITH
ALL MOST EVERY THING YOU SAID.
I THINK WHAT WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT HERE IS THIS SPASM OF
MORAL PURITY THAT HAS TAKEN ROOT
OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS, RIGHT?
GUESS WHAT ELSE HAS BEEN
HAPPENING OVER THE LAST FIVE
YEARS?
DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Bill: AND GEN Z, IT'S
GENERATIONAL.
>> SURE.
I THINK WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE IS
DONALD TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT AND
DONALD TRUMP GOT AWAY WITH
EVERYTHING AND SO NOBODY ELSE
COULD GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING.
I THINK THERE WAS THIS CULTURAL
AND SOCIETAL NEED TO PURGE
OURSELVES OF ALL OF THE WRONGS
THAT DONALD TRUMP SEEM TO EMBODY
WHETHER THAT'S ASSAULTING WOMEN,
WHETHER THAT'S RACISM, WHETHER
THAT'S ANY NUMBER OF THINGS
WHETHER IT'S ANYTHING WE'VE HAD
THESE FEVER SPASMS ABOUT, I
THINK THERE HAS BEEN A PUSH
TOWARDS ACCOUNTABILITY AND IT'S
BEEN BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN THIS
BIG SYMBOL OF ALL THE WAYS IN
WHICH THOSE THINGS ARE TOLERATED
IN OUR SOCIETY.
>> THEN I THINK IT BECOMES A
SELF REINFORCING THING,
ZERO-TOLERANCE AND SOMETIMES
KIND OF INSANE SOUNDING, MOB
JUSTICE METED OUT, SCREW THIS,
SCREW THE PEOPLE DOING THAT, THE
QUESTION IS HOW DO YOU GET OUT
OF THAT CYCLE?
FOR ME, GRANTED I COME FROM A
CIVIL LIBERTARIAN POINT OF VIEW,
YOU GET OUT THROUGH CIVIL
LIBERTARIANISM, THROUGH DUE
PROCESS AND BEING CAREFUL ABOUT
THE WAY YOU TRACK DOWN THE BAD
GUYS AND YOU MAKE THEM PUNISH.
GO AFTER THE GUY COMMITTING THE
CRIMES IN THIS CASE AND NOT
PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT AS A WAY OF
SYMBOLICALLY DEALING WITH YOUR
FEELINGS ABOUT BATS.
>> Bill: I MUST SAY ONE MORE
THING ABOUT ARMIE HAMMER, I
THINK HE'S EXACTLY THE GUY IN
THE BOOK "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY"
WHICH IS THE MOST POPULAR BOOK
EVER WITH WOMEN.
OPRAH SAID "I HOPE THE MOVIE IS
FILTHY OR THAN BOOK."
OPRAH SAID THAT.
IF HE'S AS, HANDSOME MOVIE STAR
GUY AND HE'S GOT A KINK.
WOMEN SAID AT FIRST HE WOULD
LOVE BOMB ME, IT WAS GREAT.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SWIM WITH THE
ALPHA SHARKS, IT'S NOT GOING TO
COME OUT WELL IN THE END.
SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW THAT?
IS THAT REALLY THAT HARD TO
FIGURE OUT WITHOUT THE LAW
GETTING INVOLVED?
>> THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT IS
ARMIE HAMMER HASN'T BEEN UNDER A
ROCK FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS,
SHOULDN'T HE KNOW IF HE'S GOT A
WEIRD KINK LIKE THIS, HE BETTER
BE REALLY SURE THAT THE PERSON
HE'S DEALING WITH IS SUPER ON
BOARD WITH IT AND HAVE AMOUNT OF
TRUST WITH THEM BUT THEY AREN'T
GOING TO GO TO THE PRESS
IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS?
SHOULDN'T HE HAVE DATED THEM FOR
A SECOND?
>> Bill: HE DID DATE THEM,
THAT'S A PROBLEM.
WHILE THEY WERE LOVE BOMBING HIM
THE TATTOO WAS ALL GOOD AND THEN
WHEN HE DUMPED THEM IT WAS NOT.
>> ARE YOU GOING TO SIGN AN NDA?
>> Bill: HE'S A C.A.D.
>> LET'S SAY I'M ARMIE HAMMER
AND I HAVE THIS PREDILECTION.
I WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I'M WITH
SOMEBODY THAT I REALLY TRUST,
THAT I REALLY KNOW IS DEFINITELY
ON BOARD.
>> Bill: YOU THINK A GUY WHO
WANTS TO EAT YOUR RIB CARES
ABOUT THAT, HE DOESN'T CARES
ABOUT TRUST, HE CARES ABOUT THE
TASTE OF BLOOD IN HIS MOUTH.
>> SPINAL TAP TAUGHT US WE
SHOULD ALL THINK ABOUT THE
MAJESTY OF ROCK AND THE MYSTERY
OF ROLE AND THERE'S A WHOLE LOT
OF MYSTERY OF ROLE WHEN IT COMES
TO SEX AND WHAT TURNS PEOPLE ON
AND NOT AND HOLY CRAP, WE DON'T
WANT TO GET TO CLOSE IN THERE
AND WE WANT TO MAKE SURE
EVERYONE IS SAFE ENOUGH
COMMITTING CRIMES.
>> Bill: THANK YOU, PANEL,
TIME FOR NEW RULES.
NEW RULE: NOW THAT D-LIST
CELEBRITIES ARE RECORDING
CELLPHONE MESSAGES FOR MONEY, WE
SHOULD MAKE POLITICIANS DO IT
TOO.
"HI, TAMARA.
IT'S YOUR BOY CHUCKY GRASSLEY
SAYING YO-YO-YO IT'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY!
SISTER, YOU GOTTA DO IT UP
RIGHT!
PUT YOUR FOOT IN IT!
ALSO ABORTION IS MURDER.
THANK YOU FOR SUPPORT."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: IT'S TIME TO
OFFICIALLY RETIRE THE LINE, "OF
COURSE IT RAINED, I JUST WASHED
MY CAR!"
THE LAST TIME THAT WAS FUNNY,
THE CAR WAS A MODEL -T.
AND THE PERSON WHO SAID IT WAS
HENRY FORD.
[LAUGHTER]
AND HIS DAUGHTER WAS IN THE BACK
[APPLAUSE]
SEAT SAYING.'STOP IT, DAD,
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME."
[LAUGHTER]
NEW RULE: SOCIOLOGISTS HAVE TO
EXPLAIN HOW SMASHING FOOD IN A
PERSON'S FACE WENT FROM BEING
THE SIGN OF AN ABUSIVE
RELATIONSHIP, TO A SYMBOL OF
UNDYING ROMANTIC LOVE.
WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHY I NEVER
MARRIED, I TELL THEM, "I HAVE
TOO MUCH RESPECT FOR CAKE."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: SINCE SEX IS A REAL
THING THAT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE,
EVERY PORN VIDEO SHOULD OPEN
WITH THE WORDS: "BASED ON ACTUAL
EVENTS."
[LAUGHTER]
THEN AT THE END, DO THAT THING
WHERE WE'RE TOLD HOW THE LIVES
OF THOSE DEPICTED IN THE FILM
TURNED OUT.
[LAUGHTER]
"TAMMY WENT ON TO WORK IN A VAPE
SHOP AND IS THE PROUD OWNER OF A
LIZARD SHE STOLE FROM A PETTING
ZOO.
DERREK DIGS BROKEN JET SKIS OUT
OF LANDFILLS AND RENTS THEM TO
TOURISTS IN THE FLORIDA
PANHANDLE.
THEY BOTH STILL FUCK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
NEW RULE: NOSTRADAMUS HAS TO
ADMIT HE REALLY DROPPED THE BALL
ON THE LAST 12 MONTHS.
I MEAN, A LITTLE HEADS UP WOULD
HAVE BEEN NICE.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE
PANDEMIC OR TRUMP TRYING TO END
DEMOCRACY.
I COULD HAVE BOUGHT GAME STOP AT
12 BUCKS A SHARE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE.
AS LONG AS WE'RE GOING TO THE
TROUBLE OF ANOTHER IMPEACHMENT
TRIAL, WE MIGHT AS WELL BE
HONEST ABOUT WHAT IT'S REALLY
ABOUT.
THE EVENTS OF JANUARY 6TH WERE A
FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE AND
TRUMPISM IS A CHRISTIAN
NATIONALIST MOVEMENT THAT
BELIEVES TRUMP WAS LITERALLY
SENT FROM HEAVEN TO SAVE THEM.
IT'S RIGHT IN SENATOR TOMMY
TUBERVILLE'S CAMPAIGN AD:
>> GOD SENT US DONALD TRUMP.
BECAUSE GOD KNEW WE WERE IN
TROUBLE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: THERE'S A LOT OF TALK
NOW IN LIBERAL QUARTERS ABOUT
HOW REPUBLICANS SHOULD TELL
THEIR BASE WHO STILL BELIEVE THE
ELECTION WAS RIGGED THAT THEY
NEED TO GROW UP AND MOVE ON AND
STOP ASKING THE REST OF US TO
RESPECT THEIR MASS DELUSION.
AND, OF COURSE, IT IS A MASS
DELUSION - BUT THE INCONVENIENT
TRUTH HERE IS THAT IF YOU ACCORD
RELIGIOUS FAITH THE KIND OF
EXALTED RESPECT WE DO HERE IN
AMERICA, YOU'VE ALREADY LOST THE
ARGUMENT THAT MASS DELUSION IS
BAD.
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S FUN TO LAUGH AT Q-ANON,
WITH THE BABY-EATING LIZARD
PEOPLE AND THE PEDOPHILE PIZZA
PARLORS - BUT HAVE YOU EVER READ
THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS?
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE BIBLE - THAT'S YOUR
HOLY BOOK, CHRISTIANS, AND
THEY'VE GOT SEVEN-HEADED
DRAGONS, AND LOCUSTS THAT HAVE
THE FACE OF MEN AND THE TEETH OF
LIONS.
AND OTHER STUFF YOU ONLY SEE
AFTER THE GUY IN THE PARK SELLS
YOU BAD MUSHROOMS.
[LAUGHTER]
LAST WEEK, THE BIG STORY WAS
[APPLAUSE]
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE BELIEVING
IN JEWISH SPACE LASERS - WHICH
ANSWERED THE QUESTION, WILL
THERE BE COMEDY AFTER TRUMP.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT REVELATIONS WILL TELL YOU
EXACTLY WHERE THE WORLD ENDS -
MEGGIDO, ISRAEL - I'VE BEEN
THERE.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
THAT'S WHERE ALL THE ARMIES OF
THE WORLD WILL GATHER AND JESUS
WILL COME DOWN ON A FLYING
HORSE, SHOOTING SWORDS OUT OF
HIS MOUTH - JESUS, NOT THE HORSE
- AND HAVE A THOUSAND-YEAR
COSMIC "BOSS BATTLE" WITH SATAN,
THE BEAST AND THE ANTI-CHRIST.
IT'S LIKE TEN AVENGERS MOVIES
PLUS TEN HOBBIT MOVIES TIMES A
NIGHT OUT WITH JOHNNY DEPP.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
SPOILER ALERT, JESUS WINS.
AFTER WHICH HE WILL RAPTURE UP
ALL THE GOOD SOULS, PLUS 144,000
JEWS WHO WERE GRANDFATHERED IN.
BY OSKAR SCHINDLER.
BUT SPACE LASERS!
HA! MAGICAL RELIGIOUS THINKING
IS A VIRUS, AND Q ANON IS JUST
ITS CURRENT MUTATION.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S WHY MEGACHURCHES PLAY
Q-ANON VIDEOS: IT'S THE SAME
BASIC PLOT.
Q IS A PROPHET, TRUMP IS THE
MESSIAH.
THERE'S AN APOCALYPTIC EVENT
LOOMING, "THE STORM."
THERE'S A TITANIC STRUGGLE OF
GOOD VS. EVIL, AND IF YOU WANT
GOOD TO WIN, JUST KEEP THOSE
CHECKS COMING IN.
WE NEED TO STOP PRETENDING
THERE'S NO WAY WE'LL EVER
UNDERSTAND WHY THE TRUMP MOB
BELIEVES IN HIM.
IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE RELIGIOUS.
THEY'VE ALREADY MADE SPACE IN
THEIR HEADS FOR SHIT THAT
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
WHEN YOU'RE A Q-ANON FANATIC,
YOU'RE ALSO A FUNDAMENTALIST
CHRISTIAN - THEY JUST GO
TOGETHER, LIKE MACARONI AND
CHEESE, OR CHARDONNAY AND
VALIUM.
[LAUGHTER]
JUST ME?
OKAY.
THAT INSURRECTION LOOKED LIKE A
REVIVAL MEETING WITH PEOPLE
PRAYING AROUND WOODEN CROSSES,
WAVING THE CHRISTIAN FLAG, AND
"JESUS SAVES" SIGNS, YELLING
"JESUS IS MY SAVIOR / TRUMP IS
MY PRESIDENT."
A JESUS 2020 BANNER HUNG NEAR
THE GALLOWS THAT WAS ERECTED FOR
MIKE PENCE.
BECAUSE I GUESS HE'S JUDAS IN
THIS VERSION OF THE STORY.
WHICH MAKES THIS GUY PONTIUS
PILATE?
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE THAT
EVERY SENATOR WHO OBJECTED TO
CERTIFYING THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
VOTE IN ARIZONA IS AN
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN.
WHEN TED CRUZ DEFENDED HIS VOTE
TO OVERTURN A LEGITIMATE
ELECTION, HE SAID: "RECENT
POLLING SHOWS THAT 39% OF
AMERICANS BELIEVE THE ELECTION
THAT JUST OCCURRED.
WAS RIGGED.
YOU MAY NOT AGREE WITH THAT
ASSESSMENT.
BUT IT IS NONETHELESS A REALITY
FOR NEARLY HALF THE COUNTRY."
IN OTHER WORDS, "WE HAVE NO
PROOF THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN
AND YOU MAY HAVE VERIFIABLE
EVIDENCE THAT IT WASN'T, BUT
THAT DOESN'T MATTER - IT ONLY
MATTERS THAT WE BELIEVE IT."
AND THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE AT
RELIGION.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT YOU HAVE TO RESPECT
SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE
BELIEVE IT.
DOES THAT INCLUDE PROFESSIONAL
WRESTLING?
[LAUGHTER]
THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE PRETTY
ADAMANT ABOUT BUILDING A NATION
BASED ON REASON INSTEAD OF
FAITH.
THOMAS PAINE WROTE A WHOLE BOOK
ABOUT IT, THE AGE OF REASON, AND
IT WAS A BIG HIT; IT WAS THE
WHITE FRAGILITY OF 1794.
SO RESPECTFULLY, I DIRECT YOU TO
YOUR OWN T-SHIRT: FUCK YOUR
FEELINGS!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THAT'S OUR
SHOW.
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS MATT
WELCH, CHARLOTTE ALTER AND JIMMY
KIMMEL.
WE WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
THANK YOU.
♪ ♪
[APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[APPLAUSE]