片名：丑陋的真相
你过敏吗？ Are you alert?
好的，告诉他们… Okay, well tell them...
不 No.
我15分钟后到，别争了 I'll be there in about 15 minutes, so stop arguing.
好的，谢谢，再见 Okay, thanks. Bye.
- 早安，佛瑞德 - 早安，艾比 - Morning, Freddy. - Morning, Abby.
- 你今天真漂亮 - 有什么问题吗 - You look awfully pretty today. - Oh, is it that bad in there?
- 早上好，我们遇到问题了 - 早上好 - Good morning. We got problems. - Morning.
没有问题，乔伊，只有答案 There are no problems, Joy, only solutions.
交通监控摄像机坏了 The traffic camera is down and we have no B-roll for our traffic segment.
我们没有供剪接取材的交通影像了
- 的确很棘手 - 是啊 - That is a problem. - Yeah.
打电话给媒体组的马特 Call Matt at Media Lab. He's got some Skycams.
他有几架高空摄像机，他欠我人情 - Where are all my weathermen? - Right here.
- 我的气象预报员在哪里 - 这儿
谢谢参与，你们看起来好极了 - Hey. - Hello.
Thank you all for coming. You guys look great.
感谢你们的到来，太好了 Thanks for being here. Good.
他们怎么都是超重量级？ Is there a reason they're all overweight?
研究表明，如果气象预报出了错 If they get the forecast wrong...
观众们比较容易原谅胖子 ...research shows people are more willing to forgive a fat guy.
艾比我受不了了，我无法和她共事下去 I hate to do this. I don't think I can work with her.
在家听她唠叨已经够糟糕的了 It's bad enough I have to take her criticism at home.
我不想节目里也这样，男人忍耐有限的 - A man can only endure so much. - Larry, you are not a man...
劳瑞，你不是普通男人
你是一个新闻主持人 ...you are a newsman.
顺境里成就不了新闻主持 Newsmen are not defined by the easy times...
只能在逆境中磨练而生 ...they're defined by the hard times.
你能想象特德·考贝尔或者汤姆·布罗克 Can you imagine Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw...
和他们的妻子一起工作吗？不能 ...working with their wives as co-anchors? No.
因为他们没这本事 Because they couldn't handle it.
但是你，我的朋友，你够男人 But you. You, my friend, have balls the size of Volkswagens.
别以为我不知道 - Don't think I haven't noticed. - I only thought of them as blue of late.
我只是有些情绪低落而已，你说得对
我相当够男人，而且比例匀称 But you're right. They're quite sizable.
审美角度来说很健美 But not disproportionately so. I think of them as aesthetically pleasing.
很好，你明白我的意思了 Yeah, I think I made my point.
你开什么玩笑？乔治，在萨克拉曼多 Are you kidding me right now? Nobody in Sacramento...
没人在乎那些巴西小虫子是否濒临绝种 ...gives a crap about the extinction rate of the Brazilian slug worm.
这些没有新闻价值 Knowing which celebutante is in rehab is of vital importance?
名人复出就有新闻价值了吗？
- 你的声音简直… - 他想要我的命 - Your voice makes my hair... - Okay. He is trying to kill me.
他明知我不能吃螃蟹 - He knows I can't eat crab. - It's Crab Rangoon.
那是炸蟹饺，谁不吃炸蟹饺啊？ - Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon? - Oh, my God. Does anybody see this?
天哪，你们快看看这个
- 是症子吗？ - 不，看起来像梅毒斑 - Is that a hive? - No, looks like syphilis to me.
你根本不知道梅毒斑什么样子 You wouldn't even know what syphilis looks like if it weren't for my story.
三号机准备 - Stand by to go to three. - Yeah, so some...
一些焖菜可以加入蘑菇，大蒜 Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic. Exactly.
- 好了，放入蘑菇 - 好的 - Yeah. Put the mushrooms in. - All right.
按照个人口味加入适量大蒜 And whatever amount of garlic you want.
- 真的吗？ - 我超爱大蒜 - Really? - You can't have enough garlic.
- 当然可以 - 好啊 - Oh, you can. - I certainly can.
- 我每晚都吃 - 我这有个大汤勺 - Do it every night. - I got a nice, big spoon for you.
- 太好了，谢谢 - 给你 - Oh, excellent. Thank you. - Here you go.
- 味道如何？ - 不得不说，洛克 - That good? - I have to say, Rocco...
这是我吃过最美味的焖鸡肉了 ...this is the best chicken cacciatore I've ever tasted.
我就知道你喜欢，事实上这是焖鸭肉 I knew you'd like it. It's duck cacciatore, actually.
- 哦，不 - 他刚才是不是说鸭子？ - Oh, no. - Did he just say "duck"?
这是代替鸡肉不错的选择 And it's a great alternative to chicken.
吃起来很像鸡肉，是不是 It kind of tastes just like chicken, right?
鸭子，“呱呱”叫唤的鸭子？ Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
- 准备插广告 - 好的 - Get ready to roll to break. - Yeah.
- 鸭肉 - 是的 - Whoa, duck. - Yeah.
- 我们可是食鸡肉的家庭 - 是啊 Man, we're a chicken household.
让劳瑞切换到贾尔那里 - We are. - Tell Larry to throw it to Javier...
...while she pulls it together. - Or is it okay?
贾尔，你觉得味道如何 - It's good. - Javier, do you like it?
我能把剩下的打包带回家吗 Can I take home the leftovers?
你确定不要再吃些？ - You sure you don't want any leftovers? - When we return...
交通实况转播后 ...our live Skycam traffic update. - Okay.
让我们猜猜谁会是本周嘉宾 And guess who's in rehab this week.
准备插播广告 - Stand by to roll break. - Also, how you can adopt...
稍后还将奉上如何收养鼻涕虫的特别节目 ... your very own slug worm, when we come back.
- 插播广告 - 盐怎么样？盐更好？ - Roll your break. - How about salt? Salt make it better?
这种状况你都能搞定 I don't know how you do it.
我只是及时发现问题亡羊补牢 It's just a matter of looking chaos right in the eye and telling it to eff off.
大家做的不错，谢谢 You guys did great. Thank you.
我觉得是时候给节目请个新厨师，真的 I think it's time for a new chef on this show. I do.
得了吧，洛克很不错的 Now, come on. Rocco's been with us...
- 艾比？ - 真烦人 - Abby? - It's this upsetting?
斯图亚要见你，他很恼火 Hey, Stuart wants to see you. He's freaking out.
他一定是看到收视率报告了 Oh, he got the ratings.
- 喝一口？ - 好的，给我 - Want some? - Yeah, give me that.
你看到昨天的收视率了吗 Have you seen the ratings from yesterday?
所有节目都出人意料的惨淡 We got beat by all the network shows, including a rerun of Who's the Boss?
包括曾风靡一时的复出节目“谁是老板” The one where the vacuum breaks.
只是暂时的小挫折，明天一定会好起来 It's just a temporary setback. Things will be better tomorrow.
就连无线83频道的那个家伙 You know that guy with the cable-access show...
都比我们强 ...on Channel 83 does better.
如果安排杰瑞·施普林的脱口秀复出 If we program Jerry Springer reruns...
一定可以事半功倍 ...we'd do a nine-share at a quarter of the price.
别告诉我你打算扼杀这个节目 Please don't tell me you're thinking of killing the show.
我们不再是个家族式小电台了，艾比 We're not a family-run station anymore, Abby.
我喜欢你，你做的相当出色 I mean, I love you. You're great at what you do.
但我们得用收视率数据说话 But you gotta get me some numbers.
我两个女儿上大学还有个儿子在美容学院 I got two daughters in college and a son in beauty school.
你知道维达·沙宣吧，学费可不便宜 I don't know how much you know about Vidal Sassoon, but that shit ain't cheap.
我可以重振旗鼓，我一定会 I can rally. I will rally.
你尽力了，每天都是，艾比 You do rally. Every day, Abby.
但这正是我所担心的 But that's what worries me.
但即使是你都挽回不了局面 That even you won't be enough.
我不该让管理层来决定节目内容 I should not be letting corporate management...
这是我的节目，我做主 ...dictate the content of this show. It's my show.
我应该取消今晚的约会 I control it. I should skip the date tonight.
在家好好思考对策 Stay home, think up some ideas for sweeps.
千万别，艾比 Absolutely not, Abby.
你该多留心下人群 You should be out there observing humanity.
他们都是我们的观众 - Humanity is who watches our show. - Yeah. All 2.47 percent of them.
是啊，他们中只有2.47%是我们的观众
你已经改了三次时间 You have rescheduled on this guy three times.
今晚你再爽约他会彻底消失的 You cancel on him tonight and he's gone.
看看他的体格 Look at this bone structure.
也许你未来的孩子也会遗传这样的体格哦 This could be the bone structure of your future children.
你难道不希望他们身材匀称吗 Don't you want them to be symmetrical?
你打印他的资料干什么 You printed his profile?
这里太久没有男人滋润了 What? Yes. These have not been touched in some time.
我得帮帮你 I have to live vicariously through your life.
我觉得他很可能成为我们下一个男朋友 I really think that this could be our next boyfriend.
- 你好 - 你好 - Hi. - Hello.
我再找一位男士，褐色头发 I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown hair, athletic build, blue eyes.
健美的体格，蔚蓝的双眼
他身高5尺9寸，也许你觉得有些矮 He's 5'9". Which I know you're thinking is short...
但是他拜读了“了不起的盖茨比”2遍 ...but he's read The Great Gatsby... - Well, technically 5'8" and a half...
确切说我只有5尺8寸半
但如果你喜欢，我可以再看一遍那本书 ...but I could read The Great Gatsby again if it makes it any better.
我能给你们倒些水吗 Hi. Can I get some water for the table?
一瓶纯水就好，有劳了 Yeah, a bottle of flat water, please?
- 好的 - 谢谢 - Sure. - Thank you.
抱歉，请等一下，你知道吗 Just one second. I'm sorry. Did you know they've done studies that show...
研究表明自来水和瓶装水同出一辙 ...tap water and bottled water are the same thing.
法律规定餐厅必须备有滤水装置 They passed a law where restaurants have to filter their tap water...
所以自来水就等于是过滤水 ...so it's filtered water, which is the same as bottled water...
它和瓶装水是一样的了 ...except you don't have to pay 7 dollars for it.
当然除了瓶装水你要花7块钱
我觉得它更好喝，能给我杯加冰威士忌吗 I like the way it tastes better. Can I get a Scotch on the rocks too?
- 谢谢 - 好的 - Thank you. - Oh, yeah.
我以为… I thought...
你资料上说你更喜欢红酒 I thought in your profile it said you... You like to drink red wine.
- 你打印了我的资料？ - 我助理打印的 - You printed out my profile? - My associate producer did.
她不喜欢我缺乏准备，虽然我从不这样 She doesn't like me to not be prepared. Not that I'm ever not prepared.
顺便说一下，你的汽车全保险计划 Kudos, by the way, on your comprehensive car insurance plan.
似乎我的资料里没有这个 - That wasn't in my profile. - No, but it's in your background check.
是的，这条在你背景调查里
和我聊聊你自己吧 So tell me about yourself.
还有什么好聊的，你都知道了 Well, what's left to talk about that you don't already know?
有道理 Good point.
好吧，我打印了一些我们可以聊的话题 All right, well, you know...
...I actually took the liberty of printing out some talking points...
以防万一 ...in case this happened.
看来以前你也遇见过这种情况？ - I take it this has happened before? - No. No.
不，没有 But you have nine out of 10 of the necessary attributes on my checklist.
但你符合我10条标准中的9条
天哪，好吧 Oh, dear God. Okay.
这条不错，让我们从第三条开始吧 Oh, this is a good one. Let's start with three, okay?
不许问 Don't ask.
稍后我们将向您推出 More on this when we come back.
来自动物园官方说明，关于被迫采取… We'll hear from a zoo official forced to take...
欢迎回到”丑陋真相“，今晚我们将讨论 And we're back with The Ugly Truth, where we're gonna be talking about...
恋爱中男女真正需求的是什么 ... what it is men and women really want in relationships.
我查阅了不少书籍 I've been looking through some books. Smart Women, Foolish Choices.
聪明的女人，愚蠢的选择
男人爱上恨他们的女人 Men Who Love Women Who Hate Them.
以及女人痛恨男人钟情于 And Women Hating Men Who Loved Women Who Hate Loving Men.
那些根本对他们没兴趣的女人
大把金钱浪费在这种狗屁心理学研究上 Billions and billions wasted on psychobabble bullshit.
现在听清楚了，女士们，我只说一遍 Now, listen up, ladies, because I'm only gonna say this once...
只有五个字 ...and it is just three little words:
男人很简单 Men are simple.
我们不能被驯服 We cannot be trained.
“男人来自金星”这种破书 All this, "men are from Venus" crap is a waste of your time and money.
只是浪费你们的时间和金钱
你想孤独终老，请便 You wanna be a lonely hag, then that's fine...
继续拜读这些破书吧 ... keep reading these stupid books.
但如果你想恋爱 But you want a relationship, then here's how you get one:
你就得弄一台爬楼健身机 It's called a Stairmaster.
锻炼，变苗条 Get on it, and get skinny...
穿上火辣内衣 ... and get some trashy lingerie while you're at it...
因为最后，它才是男人兴趣焦点 ...because at the end of the day, all we're interested in is looks.
没有男人会因为你的内涵一见钟情 And no one falls in love with your personality at first sight.
男人在乎的只是奶子和屁股 We fall in love with your tits and your ass...
我们苦苦追求，不过是为了和你上床 ...and we stick around because of what you're willing to do with them.
所以你想赢得一个男人 So you wanna win a man over, you don't need 10 steps...
你不需要什么10步法则
你只需要一步，就是口交 ...you need one, and it's called a blowjob.
还有，不要忘记… And don't forget to...
让我们接听第一个观众热线 Okay? Now, let's take the first caller.
你竟敢烧毁这些书 How dare you burn those books.
它们对我人生的帮助简直无法言语 They've helped my personal life more than I can say.
公主殿下，你男友叫什么名字？ What's your boyfriend's name, princess?
我暂时没有男友 Well, I'm not seeing anyone right now.
我说的没错吧，怪物史莱克，下一个 My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.
请讲，你的电话正在直播 You're on the air.
你意思是，男人没有爱的能力 So you're saying that men are incapable of love?
我是不是打破你可怜的浪漫之梦了 Oh, did I burst your little harlequin romance bubble?
得了吧 What? Come on.
你破坏的只是你的信用而已 The only thing you burst is your credibility.
男人完全有爱的能力 Men are completely capable of experiencing love.
好吧，那个男人是谁 Okay, I'll bite. Go on. Who's the guy?
- 什么 - 那个杰出先生 - What? - The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
那个神爱男人是谁？他长什么样 The one who's so capable of love. Who is he? What's he like?
他聪明帅气，虽然他自己不觉得 He's smart, he's handsome but he doesn't know it.
从事一项很有意义的工作，事业有成 He's successful, but in a job that means something.
他喜爱红酒，野餐和古典音乐 He loves red wine, picnics, classical music.
他是美国人吗 This is a guy in America, right?
你不会是从欧洲或者别的哪里打来的吧 I mean, you're not calling from Europe or something?
他喜欢狗，但他更喜欢猫 He loves dogs, but he's more of a cat person.
周日早晨他从来不会比我起的晚 He never gets up before you on a Sunday morning.
等等，我明白了 Wait a second, I get it.
你是个女同性恋 You're a lesbian.
- 什么 - 得了吧，你一定是 - What? - Well, you must be.
你刚才描述的是一个完美女人 I mean, you just described the perfect woman.
你为什么如此畏惧这些美好品质 Why are you so threatened by these qualities?
恐怕因为你一条都做不到吧 Is it perhaps because you don't possess a single one of them...
正因为如此没有女人会喜欢你 ...and that is the real reason why women aren't interested in you?
好吧，我愿意个人支付100美元 Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks of my own money...
如果你能把这样一个男人带来见我 ... to go get this guy and bring him down here and let me meet him.
他就在某个地方 Well, he's out there, somewhere.
等一下 Wait a second.
你根本没有和他约会？ You're not even dating this guy?
没有，我只是在描述一个类型的男人 No, I'm describing a type.
我以为我们只是谈论而已 I thought that's what we were doing.
什么？你甚至都不认识他 What? You don't even know him?
好吧，我明白了 Whoa, okay, now I get the picture.
等一下，你是恐龙妹 Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
- 什么？ - 你一定是 - What? - Well, you must be.
拜托你听到我的话了，如果你是辣妹 Come on, you heard me. I mean, if you were...
就不会把时间浪费在幻象完美先生上 If you were hot, you would be out breaking some poor schmuck's heart...
而是出去游戏感情，风流快活了 ... instead of spending all your time fantasizing about Mr. Wonderful.
面对现实吧 Face it...
你很丑 ... you're ugly.
我不丑 I am not ugly.
让我帮你一把吧 Well, okay, let me help you out here.
面对现实吧，你会孤独一生 You might as well face the fact that you're gonna be alone...
别再为幻象中遥不可及的男人形销骨立 ... and stop pining away for some fantasy guy you're never gonna get.
你怎么能这样 - How can you possibly...? - Hey, Lassie.
小姐，这个节目叫做“丑陋的真相” The show's called The Ugly Truth. If you can't face it, don't call.
如果你无法面对，就不要打电话
让我们以此结束今晚的节目 That wraps it up for this evening.
我，迈克·查维，提醒您 I'm Mike Chadway reminding you that the truth is never pretty.
现实永远不会是美好的
约会怎么样 How'd the date go?
他选的餐厅很不错 Well, I was very pleased with the choice of restaurant.
- 好极了 - 为什么 - That is so awesome. - Why?
大家早上好 Good morning, everyone.
- 早上好 - 早上好 - Morning. - Morning.
在我播放前，我不得不警告你们 Now, before I play you this, I should warn you...
这个人有些出格 ...this guy's a little rough around the edges.
- 面对现实吧，你很丑 - 我不丑 - Face it, you're ugly. - I am not ugly.
我们为什么要看这个 - Well... - Why are we watching this?
欢迎我们的新客座评论员 Say hello to our new guest commentator.
我打算一周安排他两次节目，每次三分钟 I'm starting him at two segments a week, three minutes a pop.
- 你开什么玩笑 - 这家伙到底是谁 - Are you kidding me? - Who the hell is this guy?
- 他叫迈克·查维 - 他是个女性歧视主义者 - Name's Mike Chadway. - And he's an uber-moron misogynist...
对媒体和社会的一切大放厥词 ...who represents everything wrong with television and society.
每次都是这种毫无用处的废物 I get crap every time I suggest we do something remotely fluffy.
我建议我们做些有创意的事情
拜托，他还是很有见地的 Oh, come on. He's got a point of view.
我们不一定得喜欢他，我们是新闻人 We don't have to like it. I mean, we're newspeople.
我们得保持客观 We're objective. Stone Phillips interviews terrorists.
斯通·菲利普去访问恐怖分子
但不代表他喜欢他们，一切为了收视率 Doesn't mean he likes them, he does it for ratings.
我有一堆提高收视率的点子 I have a list of ideas to improve ratings.
你会喜欢的，我们不需要他 - You'll like it. We don't need him. - Not at all.
根本不需要 - "An intimate profile of the mayor." - I like that.
- “市长大人内心揭秘” - 这个不错
- 我喜欢市长 - 太好了 - I like the mayor. - Fantastic.
- 市长吗 - 是啊，一定很犀利火爆 - The mayor? - Yes. It can be edgy and yet intriguing.
除非你能把他和三个热辣妓女绑在一起 Unless you can get him to bang three crack whores...
最好再加一只德牧犬，否则没人会看的 ...and a German shepherd on live TV, no one's gonna give a shit.
抱歉我一直在走廊里偷听 Oh, I'm sorry. I was eavesdropping out in the hall.
我说什么了？这人是不是很酷 What did I tell you? Isn't this guy great?
谢谢老板 Oh, thanks, boss.
你已经录取他了？ You already hired him?
这位迷人的小妞是谁？ Who's this delightful creature?
我是你的制作人 I'm your producer.
你好啊 Hey.
我喜欢女人在上 （双关语，性爱姿势） I like a woman on top.
上帝啊 God.
不错的办公室 - Nice office. - He's just kidding.
他只是说笑啦 Oh, yeah.
- 你参观过办公室了吗 - 还没有呢 - Excuse me. - Mike, you see your office?
- 让我带你去 - 太好了 - No, I didn't. - Let me show you.
大家休息5分钟，我一会回来 - Beautiful. - Everybody take five. I'll be right back.
大家还记得去年的性骚扰会议吧 Were you all not there last year for our sexual-harassment meeting?
- 得让他滚蛋 - 你没参加吗？劳瑞 - Were you not there, Larry? - He needs to go.
他可没性骚扰我 He wasn't sexually harassing me.
我是个获奖新闻制作人，获奖制作人 I am an award-winning news producer. Award-winning producer.
我是个获奖制作人，我是个获奖制作人 I am an award-winning news producer. I am an award-winning news producer.
你是个获奖制作人 You're an award-winning news producer.
- 你不会敲门吗 - 我敲了，你没回应 - You don't knock? - Well, I did knock. You didn't answer.
本质上讲你的敲门根本没有意义 So essentially, your knock was negated by your complete lack of adherence...
因为就礼貌而言你毫无诚意 ...to the social etiquette that follows a knock.
你真像骑在“上位”一样 You're wound like a fucking top.
汪汪，记得昨晚的犬吠吗 Woof, woof. Remember the bark?
昨晚，我们电话里的谈话 Last night, a little phone conversation we had.
对啊，原来是你，你一点也不丑 Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
You're not ugly at all.
啊，可真让我松了口气啊 Oh, well, imagine my relief.
我要谢谢你给我这么好的素材 I want to thank you for getting me this gig.
没有你我绝对做不到 I would never have gotten it without you.
你和我，联手打造强档TV节目 You and I, we make good TV.
你那些低级玩意 You make imbecilic trash...
只有那些居家宅男 ...watched by housebound inbreds who are so busy...
忙于打飞机没有时间换台时才会收看 ...with their hands down their pants, they can't change the remote.
真不敢相信你是这样的，但很诱惑哦 I hadn't been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.
我才不会看你的节目呢 I do not watch your program.
是我的猫踩到了遥控器 My cat stepped on the remote.
替我谢谢你的阴部 （pussy有小猫，和阴部两种含义） Oh, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?
劳瑞，乔治亚，听好了 Larry, Georgia, listen to me. I want you to skewer him.
我想你们废了他 I want Mike Chadway to go down in flames.
我希望狠狠打击迈克·查维的嚣张气焰
我希望他灰飞烟灭 I want Mike Chadway to be nothing but a pile of ash next to you.
然后清洁工用吸尘器清理掉迈克的骨灰 I want the janitor to come vacuum up the ashes of Mike with his Dustbuster...
然后和老鼠的呕吐物混杂一起 ...and when he dumps it outside, I want the rats to vomit and defecate...
...on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
我原以为你更易怒更刻薄呢 And I thought you were angry and bitter.
不，你说的那是我神圣不可侵犯的阴道 No, Larry, that would be my untouched vagina.
- 查维？ - 什么？ - Chadway? - What?
20秒后开始直播 Twenty seconds to air.
你准备好了吗？劳瑞？ About ready? Larry?
- 我的换衣间里有只鸟 - 我会处理的 - There's a bird in my dressing room. - I'll take care of it.
- 活生生的鸟？ - 它还飞来飞去的呢 - A real bird? - It's flying around.
- 是麻雀吗？ - 为什么这么问 - A sparrow? - Why?
- 我不知道那是什么鸟？ - 保安真差劲 - I don't know what type of bird it is. - Security here is awful.
你们这些家伙应该注意关门 You guys have really got to keep the doors closed.
倒数计时，5，4，3… Four, three...
各位观众早上好，我是劳瑞·佛瑞曼 Morning, everyone, I'm Larry Freeman. Another beautiful day in Sacramento.
又是一个萨克拉曼多迷人的一天
今天由我和一位佳丽为您共同主持节目 And I'm here with a beautiful woman.
- 切换一号机 - 开始吧 - Go, 1. - All right, here we go.
谢谢你，劳瑞 Thank you, Larry.
我是乔治亚·伯顿尼 - I'm Georgia Bordeney. - Ready for the single on Georgia.
准备给乔治亚一个特写
多年以来人们很担忧电视节目的低水准化 For years, there have been concerns about lowering television standards.
但很多人坚信在这位男人的本地公演 But many believe that this man and his local public-access show...
会使电视节目水准再创新低 ...have brought things to a new low.
就此，我们有请迈克·查维 With that, we welcome Mike Chadway.
大家好吗 How you doing, guys?
迈克，你如何看待观众对你节目的反感 Mike, how do you respond to people who say your show is offensive?
确实如此，但再次重申，这就是事实 Well, it is. But then again, so is the truth.
关于什么的事实，查维先生 The truth about what, Mr. Chadway?
恋爱关系到底是怎么回事 What relationships are really like.
拿婚姻举例来说 Take marriage, for instance.
关乎到社会压力，地位和性爱 It's about social pressure, status and sex.
没有这三项，男女甚至都不会开始 If it weren't for these three things, men and women wouldn't even speak.
听起来没有人曾经爱过你啊 Oh, dear. Sounds to me like no one's ever loved you...
而你拿整个女性人群来发泄 ...and you're taking that out on the female population.
干的漂亮 Good one.
- 就像“交叉火力” - 说得好 - It's like Crossfire. - That was a good one.
就我观察而言 While we're making these observations...
你们这对完美夫妻档的形象 显然就是个谎言 ...you two project this image of the perfect couple, when clearly it's a lie.
你说什么 Excuse me?
- 胡说八道 - 插播广告 - Holy shit. - Break for commercial.
- 不要 - 斯图亚说不管怎样都不要打断 - No. - Stuart said keep rolling no matter what.
什么？什么时候说的？这是我的节目 What? When? This is my show.
现在不是了 - Not right now, it isn't. - Not right now.
拜托劳瑞，我看你的节目好多年了 Come on, Larry. I watched your show for years.
你曾经是那么的自信 You used to be this cool, confident cat.
现在你怎么了 What the hell happened to you?
还有你，乔治亚，默默无闻的小兔子 And you, Georgia. I mean, this one's no dumb bunny.
唯一获取周末档期的方法 The only way she was getting off the weekend shift...
就是和你勾搭上 ...was by hooking up with you.
但一下子，她变得比你更受欢迎 Then, lo and behold, she became more popular than you did.
最终薪水是你的两倍 Ended up with twice your salary.
- 2号机双人特写 - 加油劳瑞，反击 - Camera 2, two-shot. - Come on, Larry, take him down.
等等伙计，我为我妻子的成功而骄傲 Hold on, pal. I am very proud of my wife's success.
胡说，你恨她的成功 Baloney, you are. You hate her success.
你感觉就像被她去了势 You feel emasculated by her.
这点让你不知如何是好 And that screws with your head.
于是，演化成你男人的尊严被摧毁 Which, in turn, screws with your manhood.
你究竟想说什么，查维先生 What's your point?
- 对乔治亚，控制局面 - 我想说… - Yes, Georgia, take control. - My point, Georgia...
我想说你的丈夫 My point is that your husband...
大概很久没有和你有性行为了吧 ...hasn't had sex with you in...
我猜，大概三个月了吧 ...l'm gonna say, what, three months?
- 查维，那不是我的过失 - 我了解 - Chadway, that is not my fault. - I know.
- 拜托 - 我了解，都是她的原因 - I mean, come on. - I know, I know. It's her fault.
为什么是我？那我该怎样做啊 Why is it my fault? What am I supposed to do?
放弃赚钱，好让他能勃起吗 Say no to the money so he can get an erection?
她刚刚在直播节目里说“勃起” She just said "erection" on television.
- 其他节目也有说过 - 他们在谈论勃起 - Other networks do it. - They're talking about erections.
他们在“芝麻街”节目里谈论勃起 They say "erection" on Sesame Street.
- 我同意 - 谢谢 - I agree. - Thank you.
你在经济地位上阉割了你的丈夫 You've economically emasculated your husband...
因此他变得惧怕需要你 ...to such a point that he's afraid to want you.
当然你可以和他做爱 I mean, sure, you could dump his ass...
但是你在萨克拉曼多还有多少合适人选呢 ...but, honey, have you seen the eligible men in Sacramento? Oh, God.
对一个40岁的女人来说选择确实不多了 It's slim pickings for a woman in her 40s, I can tell you.
40岁？ Forties?
天哪 - Oh, God. - Hold that shot with Georgia and Mike.
他刚才谈到了她的年龄 He just talked about her age.
她会杀了我的 - She's gonna kill me. - Well...
四十岁？ - Forty? - I mean, you ain't gonna do...
你不会找到比劳瑞更好的人选了 ...any better than Larry.
你只需要令他更像一个男人 You just have to let him be a man.
- 让他更男人 - 我已经让他像个男人了 - Let him be a man, Georgia. - I let him be a man.
你得让我像个男人 - You have to let me be a man. - I have tried.
- 让他像个男人 - 你得让我像个男人 - Let him be a man. - You have to let me.
就这么简单，现在，愁眉苦脸的家伙 Simple as that. Now, you, Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
- 天哪 - 1号机，准备三方面特写 - Oh, God. - Camera 1, ready for a three-shot.
- 我没有愁眉苦脸 - 不，你就是这样 - I'm not frowny. - Yes, you are.
过来，给这位美丽的女士一个吻 Move in here and give this beautiful woman a kiss.
- 天哪，太荒唐了 - 主持人？ - God. This is ridiculous. - McFlaccid?
- 你真的坚持这样吗 - 是的，问她 - That mean what I think it means? - Yes. Kiss her.
- 不，他们不能… - 当着我面吻她 - No. They're not gonna... - Give it to her, right in front of me.
- 当着所有人的面 - 让我… - And in front of them. - Let me...
该死的，乔治亚，让我像个男人 Goddamn it, Georgia, let me be a man.
- 不 - 放大，2号机，放大 - No! - Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
美国观众绝不想看到这个 America doesn't want to see this.
我的朋友们，这就是丑陋的真相 And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.
准备插播广告，准备 Get ready to roll to break. Ready to roll...
你真是个男人 Oh, you are a man. He is a man. Break.
播放广告，播放广告 Cut to commercial!
太棒了，太棒了 - Cut to commercial! - That was great! Wasn't that great?
我早说过这个家伙很棒 I told you that guy was great.
大家做得好 Good job, everybody.
艾比？ Abby?
找到她了 Found her.
1143个电话 One-thousand, one hundred and forty-three calls...
超过300封电邮，53%来自女人 ...over 300 e-mails, 53 percent of them were women.
这家伙真是避雷针啊 This guy's a lightning rod.
他很受欢迎吗 They liked him?
欢迎？简直爱死他了，93%支持率 Liked him? They loved him. Ninety-three percent positive.
- 这怎么可能 - 我不知道 - How is that possible? - Well, I don't know.
但我缩减了部分新闻节目时间 But I am scaling back the news and giving it to The Ugly Truth.
安排给了“丑陋真相”
斯图亚，你正犯下一个错误 Stuart, I really think this is a mistake. What do we even know about this guy?
你到底有多了解这个家伙
- 他究竟是谁 - 他10岁来到这里 - Who is he, really? - Moved here when he was 10...
连续两届儿童联盟锦标赛夺冠，很可爱 ...pitched two consecutive Little League Championships. Cute.
高年级时获得“最佳学员奖” "Most Likely to Get Slapped" in his senior yearbook.
三年时间完成圣何塞州立大学学业 Three years San José State. Salesman of the Year at Dobson Medical in '04.
04年在多布森医药公司担任销售员
曾经一度因在行驶车辆上向外嘘嘘而被捕 Once arrested for urinating out of a moving vehicle... That is challenging.
高难度动作啊 - Tell me about it. - Never married, hates asparagus.
- 愿闻其详 - 一直未婚，讨厌吃芦笋
让我们对他好些 Look, let's just keep a smile on this guy's face...
我们都有合同要续约呢 ...and we'll both get our contracts renewed.
恭喜？ Congratulations?
迈克，我是劳伦，你知道 Mike. Hi, it's Lauren. I'm having a party on Saturday...
我喝龙舌兰酒后会怎么样的 ... and you know what happens when I drink tequila.
是我，妮可，为什么不打电话，想你 It's me, Nikki. Why haven't you called me? I miss you.
- 我无法忘记你那硕大的… - 喂 - I can't stop thinking about your huge... - Hey.
- 那人是谁 - 在我身上来回游走… - Who's that? - Rubbing all over my...
- 湿露露的… - 学校… - Dripping wet... - How was...?
学校怎么样？ How was school?
- 你给我出了个大难题 - 什么 - Well, you totally hosed me. - What?
上周你节目里说 Last week on your show, you said, "Always be mean to hot girls...
别对辣妹们客气她们总会得寸进尺
我试着这么对待肖娜 ...because they'll want you more." Well, I tried it on Shauna.
她哭了，我被关了禁闭 She cried, and then I got detention.
首先，别相信我在节目里说的那套 First of all, don't listen to what I say on my show.
其次，那是对付那些自以为是的 Second of all, you're supposed to do that to 25-year-old girls...
25岁姑娘的招数 ...who think they're hot and can get any guy they want...
不是用在14岁女孩身上的 ...not 14-year-old girls.
她们正处于青春发育期 They're going through puberty.
她们已经有够多麻烦的了 They got enough problems.
妈妈说她14岁时，她可是班花哦 Mom said when she was 14, she was the prettiest girl in class.
我见过她14岁时的样子 Well, I was there when she was 14, and let me tell you something. She lied.
说真的，她骗你呢 Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
别听你迈克叔叔的鬼话
他自以为是，不懂得欣赏 He was blind from touching himself inappropriately.
和你儿子说这些真不错啊 That's a nice thing to tell your son.
他还没听到你节目里更糟糕的东西呢 Like he hasn't heard worse on your show.
希望你能挣大钱，你可是上电视的人 Let's hope you can clean it up now that you're on a network.
祝贺你 Congrats.
达特妮，不会吧 D'Artagnan, no, you didn't.
不，达特妮，给我回来，回来 No, D'Artagnan, you get back here. Get back here.
不，不要啊 No, do not... No, no, no.
达特妮 D'Artagnan.
该死的 Shit.
好吧 All right.
我上来 I'll just come up.
我没你那么好身手，达特妮，我上来了 I'm really not that flexible, D'Artagnan. I'm coming.
抓到你了，别动 I got you, hold on.
别动，过来，宝贝 Hold on. Come here, baby.
不，不，过来这里，达特妮 No, no. No, no. Come on. Come here, D'Artagnan.
好孩子，好的，好孩子 Good boy. Oh, good boy. Okay.
你不会有事的 Okay. You're gonna be okay.
希望我们都能下的去 I hope we can get down.
我的天 Oh, my.
哇哦 My, my.
他用牙线剔牙哎 He flosses.
上帝啊，上帝啊 Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
救命啊，救命啊 Somebody help me! Somebody help me!
我卡在树上了 I'm stuck in a tree!
谁来救救我 Help me! Anybody!
- 我卡在树上了 - 冷静，保持冷静 - I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck! - Stay, stay calm.
- 你会没事的 - 放我下来，放我下来 - You're gonna be fine. - Get me down! Get me down!
对不起，我的上帝啊 Sorry. Oh, my God.
这么说你刚搬来，太好了 So you just moved in. That's great.
对了，我叫艾比 I'm Abby, by the way.
你对门的邻居 Your neighbor from across the way.
- 你是个医生？ - 外科整形医生 - So you're a doctor? - An orthopedic surgeon.
我手术过很多腿部和臀部 Yeah, I do a lot of leg and hip stuff, but I do get the occasional foot.
但特殊场合也做过脚部
你踝骨没事，只是有些轻微扭伤 Your ankle seems to be fine. Just a mild sprain, this should help.
试试这个，应该会有帮助 Great. Thank you.
太好了，谢谢你 I guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose the tree outside your window to climb.
我想我真走运
我的猫爬到你窗外的树上
如果有需要，我随时乐意效劳 I'm here whenever you need me.
我把家里电话写在我名片背面了 I'm gonna put my home number on the back of my business card.
如果你脚踝有什么问题，给我打电话 If your ankle starts giving you any problems, give me a call.
太好了，谢谢你 Great. Thanks.
真奇怪，他平时可不怎么喜欢男人 Oh, wow, that's so weird. He doesn't usually like men.
狗是不错的宠物，但我更喜欢猫 Well, you know, dogs are great, but I'm a cat person.
是啊 Yeah.
我想我该回去了 Well, I guess I'll get going, then.
好的 Yeah.
- 再次感谢你救了我 - 随时乐意效劳 - Thanks again for saving my life. - Anytime.
- 好的，再见 - 好，再见 - Okay. Bye. - Okay. Bye.
- 别忘了你的猫 - 对的 - You forgot your cat. - Right.
有只蜘蛛在我身上 I had a spider on me.
- 哦 - 但我把它抖掉了 - Yeah. - It's gone now, though. Good.
- 再见 - 好的 - Bye. - Okay.
- 再次感谢 - 晚安 - Thanks again. - Good night.
凭证件入内
你绝对想象不到他有多么完美 You are not gonna believe how perfect he is.
- 身材匀称？ - 远远不止这个 - Symmetrical? - Oh, you have no idea.
- 感谢主 - 是啊 - Oh, good Lord. - Yeah.
你怎么离开的？他向你要电话号码了吗 How did you leave it? He ask for your number?
没有，但他给了我他的号码 No, but he gave me his. Should I call him?
我该打给他吗 - Lf I call do call him, what should I say? - Okay. Take a breath.
- 打给他说什么好呢 - 深呼吸
亲爱的，请不要再谈什么过滤水 - And please, sweetheart, no tap water. - No tap water.
不谈过滤水 - Don't bring it up. - You've got naughty eyes.
提都不要提
你的眼神很顽皮 - Anyone ever tell you that? - I have naughty everything.
- 没有人告诉你吗 - 我浑身都很顽皮
打住 - Hold that thought. - No, hey, you won't get in trouble.
不，没事的
往下点，往下点 Down a bit. Down a bit.
我就走 Okay.
再见，凯伦 Bye, Karen.
嘴巴放干净，照着剧本说 Keep it clean, moving, stick to the script.
这可是一个直播新闻节目 You are on a live affiliate news program.
别提“口交”那种下流词汇 You do not have the luxury of using "blow" and "job" in the same sentence.
如果你说出任何淫秽字眼，你将被解雇 If you say anything scatological, you will be fired.
- 是吗？ - 当然 - Oh, really? - Yes.
我认为如果你继续招惹我 I thought that you were the one that was gonna get fired...
你才是那个会被解雇的人 ...if you don't keep me happy.
我收到了很多关于节目风格的要求 Yes. I've got a list of demands that I would like to make after the show...
别怪我没警告你，那些要求很淫秽 ...and let me just warn you, they're gonna be scatological.
当然因为你今天相当的迷人 Just because you look pretty today...
我不会揭发你刚才的行为 ...I won't mention the misguided phallic rage you just displayed.
你最好照我的话去做 When you hear my voice, just do what I say.
那你要保证说下流话 Promise you'll talk dirty?
- 早上好，萨克拉曼多 - 我是劳瑞·佛瑞门 Good morning, Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.
我是乔治亚·伯顿尼 And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
还有我，迈克·查维 And I'm Mike Chadway.
欢迎收看“丑陋的真相” And this is The Ugly Truth.
每天节目里我们都会花上几分钟 Where we'll be taking a few minutes every day...
讨论一下两性话题 ...to talk about men, women and relationships.
首先从男人开始 Let's start with men.
男人很简单 Men are simple.
举例来说，这是一个经典浪漫场景 To illustrate my point, here we have a classic romantic setting.
蜡烛，香槟 We have candlelight, champagne, and even...
甚至私人小提琴演奏 ... your own personal violinist.
现在 Now...
我们有些不同的东西 ... over here, we have something quite different.
- 台词上可没有这些 - 跟我来 - This isn't on my list. - Follow me.
节目结束了吗 Is the segment over?
他跑哪里去了 Where the hell's he going?
- 跟上他 - 跟上，一号摄像机 - Follow him. Follow him. - Go with him, Remote 1.
美女们在果冻胶里摔跤 - Hey. - Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
果冻胶，真有他的 - Oh, Jell-O. That's great. - Hello? Abby?
- 艾比，观众电话说他们气坏了 - 天哪 - People calling and freaking out. - Oh, Jesus.
- 坐下 - 镜头抬高些 - Sit down! - Turn the monitor up.
让我们做个测试，男人会选择哪个场景 Let's take a quick survey and see which option the men out there would pick.
古典音乐加烛光晚餐 We have classical music and candle-lit dinner...
还是半裸美女在草莓果冻里摔跤 ...or semi-naked chicks wrestling in strawberry-flavored goo.
该死的 Oh, shit.
如果非得如此，让我们玩的更火些 All right. If we're gonna do this, we might as well milk it.
2号机广角摄像，1号机特写他的手 Two, get ready to go wide. One, tight on his hand.
吮吸她指尖的果冻 Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
快点添啊 Just do it.
我弄错了，是樱桃味道的 I was wrong. It's cherry.
- 回到演播厅 - 乔治亚，再见 Back to you in the studio, Georgia. Bye.
接下来，我们将访问水族馆 Coming up, we're gonna visit the aquarium...
让我们看看那只叫邦妮的小海豚怎么样了 ...and see how Penny the Porpoise is.
看她现在是否能顶球 Can she clear that 10-foot pole...
跳跃10英尺栏杆 ...with a ball on her nose? When we come back.
- 稍后再见 - 稍后见 When we come back.
两人游戏？我觉得更像是3P Chemistry. I smell threesome.
干的漂亮，美女们 Great job, ladies. I can still taste you.
我现在还在回味你们的味道
你们知道我的意思 You know what I mean.
你知道吗，我们曾邀请了 Do you realize that I once had...
德斯蒙德·突图大主教参加节目 ...the Archbishop Desmond Tutu on this show?
- 他是谁 - 真不知我现在堕落的多离谱 - Who's that? - I can't demonstrate how far I've fallen.
我不会帮你写推荐信的 You're not smart enough to get the references.
等等，我以为我们合作的很愉快 Hey, wait. I thought we were a great team back there.
是你叫我添果冻的 You told me to lick the Jell-O.
你知道我有多恶心做这些下流玩意吗 Do you understand how much I hate myself for that?
我就像是在加拿大的气象裸女主持 It was cheap titillation. I am now going to broadcasting hell...
播放地狱节目 ...right behind the naked weathergirl from Canada.
真的吗 Seriously?
真有气象裸女主持？ There's a naked weathergirl?
我们能邀请她加入吗 Hey, can we get her?
为了收视率你必须这么做，艾比 You have to do it for the ratings, Abby.
想想我的儿子，他梦想成为一个化妆师 Think of my son. My son, who had a dream of being a cosmetician.
想想他，想想乔伊 Think about him. Think about Joy.
就当为我牺牲一下 Just do it for me.
今天局部晴朗 Today it'll be partly sunny with a cloud cover moving in from my left breast.
但是有片云层在我左胸附近移动
低气压带上移，未来可能降温 Low pressure systems are moving up, so expect a cold front.
欢迎收看迈克·查维在城市早间新闻 Watch Mike Chadway on Sacramento A. M...
推出的每日“丑陋的真相” ... giving us The Ugly Truth each and every day...
第二频道，每天9点 - ... at 9:00, right here on Channel 2. - Oh, God.
天哪
我以前很喜欢鱼子酱 I used to like caviar, until I found out it was made out of fish eggs.
直到我发现它是用鱼的卵子做的
鱼子酱很恶心，光听你说都想吐 - You know that? - Caviar's revolting.
女士们早上好 - I almost started to gag. - Morning, ladies.
- 约翰 - 昨天的收视率 - John. - Yesterday's ratings.
谢谢你，约翰 Thanks, John.
我猜我该为此而高兴，对吧 Guess I should be happy about this, right?
是啊，你从来没有突破过12%收视率 Yeah. Yeah. You've never gotten a 12-share before.
我觉得很肮脏 I feel dirty.
听说收视率数据了吗 - Did you hear about the ratings? - Yes, I am the producer.
当然，我可是制作人
听说我被邀请参加 Then did you hear corporate's coming next week...
公司晚宴了吗 ...to take me out to dinner?
是啊，希望食物能堵住你的嘴 Well, let's hope you can chew with your mouth closed.
你为什么恨我大吃大喝呢 Why do you hate my guts?
你的消化系统和我无关 Your innards are of no consequence to me. It's what you represent.
我讨厌的是你的风格
你讨厌的是真相 Oh, you hate the truth.
你那两性的歪理邪说根本不是真相 Your skewed perception of male-female interaction is not the truth.
那你幻象中的男友就是真相了？ But your imaginary boyfriend's the truth?
听着，我已经遇见我的真命天子了 For your information, I happened to meet him.
希望这次是真的，要不你太凄惨了 Well, I hope he's real this time, because otherwise this is just sad.
他当然是真的，如假包换 Oh, he's real. He's very real.
不但帅气有修养，他还是个外科医生呢 Not to mention stunningly handsome, morally sound. He's a surgeon.
外科整形医生 An orthopedic surgeon.
- 你知道那意味着什么 - 什么 - You know what that means. - What?
他在医学院时把手指插在某人的屁眼里 Had to stick his finger up some guy's butt in medical school.
你存心恶心我 You disgust me.
- 屁股男有没有约你出来 - 暂时没有 - So did Butt Boy ask you out? - Not yet.
我们慢慢培养感情，相互了解 We're taking things slow, getting to know each other first.
我干嘛对你说这些 Why am I talking to you about this?
也就是说，他根本没有约你出来 In other words, he didn't actually ask you out.
你在干什么 What are you doing?
医生办公室 Doctor's office.
你好，我是艾比·里克特 Hi. This is Abby Richter calling for Dr. Anderson.
请找一下安德森医生 - Please hold. - Yes, I'll hold.
- 请稍等 - 好的
你搞什么啊， 你干吗打电话给他 What are you doing? Why are you calling this guy? No.
- 我是安德森医生 - 你好，我是艾比 - Dr. Anderson. - Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
昨晚拜访你的邻居 Your neighbor from last night.
你好，一切都好吗 Hey. Everything okay?
脚踝还疼吗 How's the ankle treating you?
都很好 Couldn't be better.
我想说昨晚遇见你很高兴 I was just calling to let you know how much I enjoyed meeting you last night.
谢谢 Thanks.
不知你是否愿意改日一起共进晚餐 And I was thinking we should go out for dinner sometime.
最近新开了一家法国小酒吧 There is a new French bistro in town...
酒吧举行了一场艺术开幕式很不错呢 ...and an art opening that got amazing reviews.
我想我们星期五也许可以一起去 So I was thinking we could go on Friday.
星期五… Friday...
- 是不是周六比较合适 - 事实上 - Would Saturday be better? - Actually...
艾比，事实上我还没有准备好 ...Abby, the thing is, I haven't really settled in yet.
- 你干吗啊 - 救你，他在回避你 - What are you doing? - Saving you. He was blowing you off.
他没有回避我 He wasn't blowing me off!
别这样，好吧，他要是期待你的电话 Don't. Okay, he'll be expecting you to call him.
当你没有时，他会主动打给你 And when you don't, he'll call back.
- 你怎么知道 - 因为我了解男人 - How do you know? - Because I know how men operate.
如果你想钓上他，就得照我说的去做 If you want it to work out with this guy, then you'll listen to me...
你刚才犯了一个无可救药的错误 ...and you'll do exactly as I say. You've done irreparable damage...
你在电话里攻击性太强 ...with your psycho-aggressive control-freak phone call.
也许已经太晚了 It might even be too late.
如果你想挽救，你就不能做现在的艾比 And if you do salvage the situation, you'll never be more than Abby...
- 那个绝望邻居艾比 - 我没绝望 ...his desperate neighbor. - I'm not desperate.
为什么，难道我看起来像是绝望的人吗 Why? Did you think I sounded desperate?
听听你的声音 Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sound desperate.
绝望的问我自己是不是听起来很绝望
好吧 Okay.
虽然你不肯承认，但你知道我说什么吧 Although you won't admit it, you know that I know what I'm talking about.
接电话吧 It's your call, dude.
好吧，我该怎么做 - Fine. What do I do? - Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug."
拿起电话说，你好，道格
- 我为什么要… - 照我说的做吧 - Why would l...? - Just do it.
你好，道格 Hey, Doug.
不，我是科林 No. This is Colin.
- 天哪，对不起 - 非常好 - Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. - That's perfect.
谁是道格 Who's Doug?
- 谁是道格 - 只是我遇见的一个人 - Who's Doug? - He's just a guy I'm seeing.
没什么大不了的 It's nothing serious.
只是我遇见的一个人，没什么大不了的 Just a guy I'm seeing. It's nothing serious.
好吧 Oh, okay.
- 等一下 - 等一下 - Hang on a second. - Hang on a second.
好的 Sure.
- 现在怎么办 - 让他等着 - Now what? - Now just make him wait.
如果他等待超过30秒，你就还有机会 If he's still holding on after 30 more seconds, you may have a chance.
没人会花时间去等一个自己打算拒绝的人 No one's gonna wait for somebody they're trying to blow off.
你最好是对的 - You better be right. - Give me time...
给我一些时间，我帮你搞定这个骚货 ...l'm gonna make this guy your bitch. - I don't want a bitch.
我不想要一个骚货，科林也不是骚货 Colin would never be a bitch.
他是一个优秀的 He is a well-rounded man...
成熟，有深度，有涵养的男人 ...capable of mature emotions and deep, abiding love.
- 还有一些你不知道的 - 也许吧 - Things which you know not of. - Maybe not.
但我知道性欲，诱惑和如何操纵他 But I do know about lust, seduction and manipulation.
这些都是你不知道的 Things that you know not of.
艾比，我们做个交易吧 Abby, I'll make you a deal.
你按照我说的去做，搞定这个家伙 If you do exactly as I say, and you get this guy...
你就停止找我麻烦，和我好好合作 ...then you'll quit giving me shit and work with me.
照我的方式，我们可以让节目火起来 You know as well as I do that we could make this show huge.
如果我搞不定他呢？我得到什么 And if it doesn't work? What do I get?
那么我就辞职 Then I'll quit.
你真的那么有信心？ You're really that confident?
已经不止30秒了 It's been more than 30 seconds.
好的，成交，现在怎么做 All right, deal. Now what?
给他留下深刻印象 Always make an impression.
就说到这里吧，我们还有工作要做 Let's get a move on. We have work to do.
但他…？ - But what about the...? - In five seconds, he'll call. Come on.
5秒之内，他会回电话，加油
你是什么人，预言家吗 What are you, Nostradamus?
不可思议 Amazing.
守则第一条：不要指指点点 Rule number one: Never criticize.
- 建设性意见也不可以吗 - 不可以 - Even if it's constructive? - Never.
男人不可能成长，改变或者进步 Men are incapable of growth, change or progress.
对于男人来说 For men, self-improvement ends at toilet training.
从他们学会上厕所后就不会自我改善了
守则第二条：不管他说什么都要笑 And rule number two: Laugh at whatever he says.
- 如果他们说的不好笑呢 - 那也一样 - What if what he says isn't funny? - That's irrelevant.
假笑就像假装高潮一样 - A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm. - A fake orgasm is good?
假装高潮是好事吗 No, but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.
不是，但总比没有高潮要强
- 假高潮等于没高潮 - 只有你这么想 - A fake orgasm is no orgasm. - Only to you.
你不是房间里唯一的人，不要这么自私 You're not the only person in the room, you know. Let's not be selfish.
做得很好 Now, that was perfect.
- 真的假的？ - 你永远不知道 - Real or fake? - You'll never know.
守则第三条：男人注重外表 Rule number three: Men are very visual.
我们得改变一下你的形象 - We have to change your look. - What's wrong with my look?
我打扮的不好吗 Abby, you're a very attractive woman, but you are completely inaccessible.
艾比，你是个非常迷人的女人
但是太不平易近人了
你总是急功近利 You're all about comfort and efficiency.
这有什么不好 What's wrong with comfort?
很好，但是没有人会想和你上床 Well, nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.
- 我能帮你什么吗 - 是的，我们需要 - Hello. May I be of assistance? - Yes, you may.
一些晚礼服，紧身牛仔裤和胸衣 We need cocktail dresses...
好让我朋友的胸部更诱惑 ...tight jeans and some bras that'll make my friend's breasts...
现在不诱惑吗 ...sit up and say hello. - They're not saying hello now?
现在我的胸是什么情况 - What are they saying? - They're giving more of a passing nod...
普普通通啦，离诱惑还有一段距离 ...rather than an outright greeting.
试试这件，我觉得很不错 You know what? Why don't you try this on?
这才是胸衣呢 - I think this would be wonderful. - Now, that is a bra.
带上它，你的奶子好像在说 Boobies in this thing say, "Put me in your mouth, I taste good."
“把我含在嘴里吧，我很美味哦”
事实上我现在穿的就是这件 I'm actually wearing one right now as we speak.
长度非常重要 Length is very important.
又要保证暴露大腿，但不能走光 We need short enough to see some thigh, but not so short to see vag.
- 走光会显得你太急切 - 真的？ - Vag says you're trying too hard. - You think?
牛仔裤的关键在于勾画出臀部曲线 Jeans are all about the curvature of the ass.
你的身材不错 You've... Well, you've got the raw materials.
关键是如何展示出来 Now all you need is the proper presentation.
你刚才说我屁股很圆？ - Did you just tell me I have a nice ass? - Do you have to be so crass?
你有必要这么凶吗
天哪 Jesus.
守则第四条：绝口不提你的难处 Rule number four: Never talk about your problems...
因为男人不会去聆听或者关心 ...because men don't really listen or care.
- 有的男人关心 - 不，那都是装的 - Some men care. - No, some men pretend to care.
当男人问起你最近怎么样，那只是在说 When we ask you how you're doing, it's guy code for:
让我们玩玩后庭花吧 "Let me stick my dick in your ass."
我知道你觉得科林也是这种人 Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he's a guy.
但相信我，他也是男人
即使他对你彬彬有礼 If he's even remotely into you...
也许他早就幻象你的下体十几遍了 ...he's probably thought about your orifices at least 10 times.
你总是假设所有男人都和你一个德行 I love how you assume all men are as perverse as you are.
不是假设，是事实 Oh, I don't assume. I know.
等一下，我们还得去家店 Wait. We need to make one more stop.
为什么，我买了那么多东西 - Why? I have tons of stuff. - We have to make your hair longer.
你得把头发弄长一些 Men like something to grab onto other than your ass.
男人做爱喜欢抓住你的头发
我发型很好，不需要改变 My hair is fine. There's nothing wrong.
艾比，只有体力工人和倒垃圾的 Abby, a ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery...
才会束马尾辫 ...or emptying the litter box.
这两者都不会让人有性欲 Neither of those things inspires an erection.
为什么要我主动？这不是男人的事情吗 Why is it my responsibility to inspire an erection? Isn't that his job?
闭嘴 Shut up.
你觉得怎么样 Well? What do you think?
- 不错 - 我只是… - Not bad. - I just...
我只是不想变得像一个荡妇 I don't wanna be perceived as a bimbo. I mean...
我也不希望你变成一个荡妇 And I don't want you to be a bimbo.
你必须成为双面娇娃：圣徒和罪人 You have to be two people: The saint and the sinner.
图书管理员和脱衣舞女 The librarian and the stripper.
一方面冷若冰霜，拒人千里 On the one hand, you have to push the guy away with a cold indifference...
另一方面又热情似火，让人欲罢不能 ...on the other, you have to be a sexually teasing tornado.
- 现在我来教你如何调情 - 我会调情 - Now, we have to teach you flirting. - I know how to flirt.
你会调情？ You know how to flirt?
我叫艾比，我喜欢托尔斯泰的作品 "Oh, my name's Abby, and I love reading Tolstoy.
我还喜欢猫，园艺和浪漫野餐 I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics."
这不是调情 I don't think so.
宝贝，你穿内衣了吗 Hey, babe, you wearing any underwear?
我才不会这么说，更不会捏对方臀部 You know what? I wouldn't say that, and I wouldn't grab ass.
捏臀有什么不好 What's wrong with a little ass-grabbing?
不捏臀，还能怎样呢 I mean, what's it there for if for not me to grab it?
你不就是喜欢那个洞洞和一对奶子吗 You're just a set of orifices and a pair of teetahs.
你真会捣乱 And you are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.
也许我恰恰是一个好学生 Maybe I'm just a really good student.
- 你能不能别这样 - 别怎样 - Would you stop doing that? - Doing what?
手指在我下面摸来摸去 Running your finger down there. Over me.
为什么，你被撩拨起来了吗 Why? Is it turning you on?
也许 Maybe.
真奇怪，我想我也许蛮喜欢这样的 It's weird, I think I kind of like it.
真的吗 Really?
- 蠢货 - 我就知道 - Sucker. - Oh, I knew it.
别班门弄斧，拜托 Okay, no teaching the teacher. Come on.
- 谁啊 - 我是科林 - Who is it? - It's Colin.
我还没有准备好，我行吗 I'm not ready for this. Am I ready?
- 我没准备好 - 冷静 - I'm not ready for this. - Calm down.
别和他谈话超过一分钟，快去 Okay. Keep the conversation under a minute. Now go.
- 不超过一分钟，一分钟 - 对 - Under a minute? Under a minute. - Yes.
等等，过来，过来 No, wait, wait, wait. Come here, come here.
你这个混蛋 You're such an asshole.
- 你好 - 你好 - Hi. - Hey.
- 你看起来真美 - 谢谢 - Wow, you look great. - Oh, thanks.
我正在洗碗 Yeah, I was just doing the dishes.
- 你今天怎么了 - 你指什么 - What happened to you today? - What do you mean?
让我等电话，但是却没有打过来 You put me on hold and never called back.
- 天哪，那人是你？ - 是啊 - Oh, my God. Was that you? - Yeah.
- 对不起 - 没关系 - I'm so sorry. - It's okay.
你不介意的话过会给我打个电话好吗 Would you mind actually giving me a call a little later?
我很忙，我还得洗碗 I'm busy. Gotta get back to those dishes.
- 艾比，等等 - 现在怎么办 - Abby, wait. - What now?
干得好，现在让他受些罪 No, that's good. Now make him suffer.
让他受罪，受罪 Make him suffer. Suffer.
艾比，你愿意周六和我一起 Abby, I was wondering if you'd like to go...
观看魔鬼队比赛吗 ...to the Devils game with me on Saturday.
加油，彗星 Go, Comets.
他投球了 He delivers it.
我看到你了，如果能听见就点头 Okay, I have a visual. Nod if you can hear me.
放松，没事的 Just relax. It's gonna be fine.
按照我说的做，把握时机 Now, do exactly what I tell you, and when I tell you to do it. Okay?
- 你喜欢棒球吗 - 含糊的回答 - You follow baseball? - Do something noncommittal.
你还好吧 You okay?
我很好 I'm fine.
有些过火，但想法还是不错的 That was a little over the top, but nice try.
- 谢谢 - 谢什么 - Well, thanks. - For what?
能坦诚相待 Well, thanks for being you.
不客气 You're welcome.
打扰一下 Excuse me.
天哪，你是迈克·查维 Oh, my God. You're Mike Chadway.
我超爱你的 I love you.
- 你搞什么鬼啊 - 你他妈… - Hey, buddy, what the hell? - Dude, what the fuck?
- 你他妈… - 什么 - Dude, what the fuck? - What?
不，不，我没和你说话 No, no, no. I'm not talking to you.
- 我没和你说话 - 我是不是哪儿做错了 - I'm not talking to you. - Okay, did I do something wrong?
住口，告诉他你看见他盯着别的姑娘 No, stop. Listen. Tell him you saw him looking at another girl.
我看见…我看见你盯着别的姑娘 I saw you... I saw you looking at another girl.
- 谁 - 那边那个女孩 - Who? - That girl, right there.
我只是想买两个热狗 I was trying to get us a couple hot dogs.
- 2个，谢谢 - 好的 - Two. Thank you. - Okay.
我们需要尽快扭转局面 Okay, we need a quick recovery.
你一定要诱惑的，缓慢的吃热狗肠 Make sure you put the hot dog in your mouth nice and slowly.
男人喜欢看到阳具状的食物进入女人嘴里 Men like watching penis-shaped food go into a girl's mouth.
真是太对不起了 I'm so sorry.
- 天哪，太抱歉了 - 没关系 - Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry. - No, it's okay.
我能擦干净，我肯定 You know, I can get this out. I'm sure I can.
- 这是什么材质的 - 也许是全棉 - What fabric is this? - I don't know. Cotton?
全棉布料最难洗，确切说皮质更糟糕 Cotton. Cotton's the worst. Well, actually, leather's the worst.
- 其次是小山羊皮 - 好吧 - After that would be suede. - Okay.
- 我觉得我能搞定 - 艾比 - I think I can get it out. - Abby.
等一下，就要好了 Oh, look, hold on. It's coming!
- 在哪里 - 那里，就在那里 - Where? - There. Right there.
- 艾比 - 艾比你也许应该抬头看看 Abby? Abby, you might want to look up.
干得好，艾比 Way to go, Abby.
我看见你了，我已经到位 Okay, I got you. I'm in position.
- 今天真有意思 - 你真是好人 - Can't say today was boring. - You're being nice.
- 我让你难堪了 - 哪有的事 - I embarrassed you. - No.
只是你比较与众不同 You're just not what I'm used to.
- 我了解 - 不，事实上这是好事 - I know. - No, actually, it's a good thing.
以前交往的女人我5秒中就能看透她们 I'm used to women I can figure out in five seconds.
但我看不透你 But I can't do that with you.
他是个傻瓜，我2秒就看穿你了 He's an idiot. I figured you out in two.
现在挺起你的大波波和他说晚安 Now, tell him good night and stick your tits out.
- 给他最后一击 - 晚安 - We're gonna give this one last shot. - Well, good night then.
这足以抵消我的湿裤裆了 That definitely made up for my wet crotch.
我也是，不对，我没有被弄湿裤裆 Me too. No, scratch that. I didn't have one.
Yeah.
- 再见 - 再见 - I'll see you later. - Yeah.
- 好的 - 再见 - Okay. - Bye.
再见 Bye.
- 晚安 - 晚安 - Night. - Night.
你成功了，你成功了 You did it! You did it! You did it!
- 我可没帮上什么忙 - 你帮了 - I didn't do anything. - You did!
- 全靠你自己 - 不 - It was you. - No.
不知为什么，我觉得他喜欢你 I mean, don't ask me why, but I think he likes you.
他是个好男人对吧 - He's such a great guy, right? - Yeah, he's dreamy.
是啊，他好的像梦幻一样
他完全符合我的10项要求 Yeah. And he fits all 10 of the criteria on my checklist.
一到九条不会显得他很像同性恋吗 Though weren't items one through nine...
...something to do with him pretty much being gay?
我不会在意的，因为我现在心情很好 I'm gonna ignore that, because I am in such a good mood.
是啊，我听到了，湿裤裆 Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
所有灵长类动物，比如猩猩，猴子 Of all the primates, bonobo monkeys...
不管在遗传基因还是生活习性上 ...are the closest relatives to human beings...
和人类是最接近的 ...both genetically and socially.
特别是在性方面 Especially when it comes to sex.
他们利用性爱终止争吵 They use sex as a way to end an argument.
这也是我最喜欢的方法 One of my favorite techniques as well.
事实上，当他们扩张新的食物源时 In fact, when they come upon a new food source...
他们会用群交来缓解这种紧张 ...they have a gangbang in order to decrease tension...
- 一个小孩闯进来了 - 谢谢 - Small person on-set. - Thanks.
这点我们人类本身也应该好好探究 - Which is something we humans should look into.
不，不，这片子少儿不宜 No, no, no. This is not for children.
不要紧，我认识他 It's okay. I know him.
- 你认识？ - 是啊 - You do? - Yeah.
那些坐着整天对男人们呼来喝去的女人 - Sit on their asses all day and boss their men around.
在我看来就像是对进化论的颠覆 Sounds like a great argument for evolution if you ask me.
朋友们，这就是“丑陋的真相” And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.
欢迎您的收看 And we're wrapped.
- 干得漂亮，迈克 - 谢谢，再见 - Great job, Mike. - Thank you. See you guys later.
我裤子里有一只成年公猩猩 Yeah, I've got an adult male bonobo monkey in my pants.
我很想见识一下 I'd like to see that.
你在这里做什么 Hey. What are you doing here?
我说过不要看这种节目，特别是现场版 I told you no watching the show, especially live.
我急需你的意见 I need some emergency advice.
翠西邀请我去参加赛迪·霍金斯的舞会 Tracy Mclvor asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
如果我答应她会不会显得很蠢 Is it dorky if I say yes?
很蠢？ Dorky?
当然不会，你开什么玩笑 Hell, no. Are you kidding?
你占据优势，女人想要追求你 You're ahead of the game. Women are coming to you.
太棒了 You know how cool that is?
把握机会 Relish this moment, okay?
快离开这里，我们5点钟见 Now get the hell out of here. I'll see you at 5.
- 好的 - 到时我们一起庆祝 - Okay. - We'll celebrate.
大金刚，不要忘记带披萨 - Don't forget the pizza, King Kong. - Hey, have I ever?
放心，我什么时候忘记过
他和你住在一起吗 He lives with you?
和我姐姐一起，住在我隔壁 Well, next door, with my sister.
他是我侄子 He's my nephew.
- 可爱的小家伙 - 是啊 - Cute kid. - Yeah.
帮个手 Here, do me.
- 你猜怎么着 - 什么 - Okay. So guess what. - What?
科林打电话给我，他想再约我出去 Colin called, he wants to get together again.
我的天哪 Oh, Lord.
我该等多久才和他上床呢 So how long should I wait to have sex with him?
你让他等的越久 Well, the more you make him beg for it...
他对你越是欲罢不能 ...the more you're gonna keep him on the hook.
此外做什么事情都可以 So do everything else but.
然后向他展示 But then show him...
在你控制狂外表下的 ...that beneath that control-freak exterior of yours...
那颗渴望被释放的饥渴的心 ...that there's a sexual deviant waiting to be unleashed.
不，我没有饥渴 No. No, I'm not a sexual deviant.
好吧 Good point.
我猜你一年没有经历过这种事情了吧 I'm guessing you've been out of practice for what, a year?
不是的 No.
- 11个月 - 天哪 - Eleven months. - God.
11个月，你怎么活下来的啊，拜托 Eleven months. How do you live? Come on.
那么你多长时间一次 So how often do you?
你指做什么 Do I what?
- 做什么啊 - 爱抚你的小豆子 - Do I what? - You know...
什么小豆子 ...flick the bean? - What bean?
小豆子啊，爱抚它，下面那个 Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
真恶心，你这么称呼它吗？有病啊 Gross! That's what you call it? What is wrong with you?
好吧，我其实把这叫做手淫 No, well, actually, I call it masturbating...
但我怕这么说冒犯了你敏感脆弱的女人心 ...but I thought that might offend your delicate ladylike sensibilities.
- 你多久爱抚它一次 - 不知道 - So how often do you flick it? - I don't know.
你又多久爱抚一次呢 How often do you flick it?
你这么问是为了在你自慰时幻想 You're only asking me that so you can picture me flicking mine...
- 我手淫的样子吧 - 才不是 ...while you flick yours. - No.
我才不会自慰时想你呢 I would never picture you while I do that, which is not something I do.
- 我根本不会做这种事 - 不，你会 - I don't do that, not ever. - Yes, you would.
- 没有，没有 - 你从来没有过吗 - No. No. No. - Never?
我觉得那样很冷淡无意 I find it impersonal.
艾比，有什么比爱抚小豆豆更有意思的呢 Abby, what could be more personal than you flicking your bean?
拜托，我不是那种人 - I just don't see myself that way, okay? - Okay, well, I do.
好吧，我是，过来 Come here.
你最好现在开始 Well, you better start.
因为如果连你自己都没兴趣和自己做爱 Because if you don't wanna have sex with you, why the hell would Colin?
科林又怎么会有兴趣呢
这是什么 What is this?
宝贝，这是什么 What is this, baby?
怎么了，宝贝 What? What, baby?
礼物不是给你的，是给你小豆豆的
这是什么玩意啊？达特妮 What is this? What is this, D'Artagnan?
“神女一号” "Astrea 1."
情趣震动小裤裤 "Vibrating brief."
“我要迟到一会儿”发信人：科林 Great.
好吧
他不是刚说要迟到一会吗 He said he was running late.
他怎么现在就来了 What is he doing here already?
- 太好了你都准备好了 - 准备好什么 - Good, you're ready. - For what?
公司晚宴啊 The dinner with corporate.
- 你没收到我的电邮吗 - 没有 - Didn't you get my e-mail? - No.
而且我不能去，我和科林有约会 And I can't. I have a date with Colin.
你因为一个约会就不参加了吗 You can't go because you have a date?
你不知道她为这个约会付出了多少努力 You have no idea how hard those are for her to get.
那就带上他一起去吧 Well, then let's pick him up on the way.
- 快走吧 - 快点快点 - Come on, let's go. Right now. - Come on. Come on, let's go.
抱歉打乱了你的约会 Sorry to hijack your date, brother.
没关系，你也是制片人吗 No worries. You're a producer as well?
不是，我是上镜的人 No, dude, I'm the talent.
那么你是主持人了？ So you're an anchor, then?
不是，我做“丑陋的真相”节目 No, I do The Ugly Truth.
他难道没有看过我们的节目吗 - Hasn't he ever seen our show? - Come on, Stuart.
拜托我们的节目对于科林来说太低级了 Our show's way too low-brow for Colin.
- 他是一个医生 - 是啊，没错 - He's a doctor. - Yes, that's right, he is.
他可不想听到灌肠和口交之类的词儿 He doesn't wanna hear about things like implants and oral sex.
- 你们讨论口交？ - 我们到了 - You talk about oral sex? - Oh, look, we're here.
你邀请了果冻双胞胎？ - You invited the Jell-O twins? - Yeah. I thought it was good thinking.
是啊，我觉得这是个不错的主意
无伤大雅 Well, it certainly can't hurt.
女士们，你们看起来美极了 Ladies, you look quite fetching.
- 人来齐啦 - 你们好 - Hey, hey, the gang's all here. - Hey.
哈德，鲍勃，你们还记得艾比吧 - Harold, Bob, you remember Abby. - Hi. And this is...
- 这位是… - 我是迈克·查维 - And we all know Mike Chadway. - And who are these lovely ladies?
这些漂亮女士是谁
看来今晚我们不用谈论新闻了 Something tells me we won't be talking about the news tonight.
那当然 That's right.
- 餐桌准备妥当了 - 我们过去吧 - Our table's waiting. Shall we? - Come this way.
- 迈克，你干的漂亮 - 我双手赞成 - Mike, you're doing a hell of a job. - Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
- 这个真不错 - 是啊 - That's a good one, huh? - That is funny.
谢谢 Thank you.
那么，今晚你们是来给我加工资的吗 So you guys here to give me a raise or what?
这家伙就爱说笑 Oh, that's my guy, always with the jokes.
Yeah.
那当然 Yeah. Right.
我们为今年收视率上升感到非常高兴 No, really, we are very excited about this year's rating increases.
希望下一季度，我们可以… And we're hoping that in the next quarter, we can...
- 天哪 - 怎么了 - Oh, God. - What's wrong?
没什么，没什么 Nothing. Nothing.
不好意思 Could you excuse me?
- 该死 - 抱歉，她有些 - Shit. - Sorry, she's...
- 你在干嘛 - 我在找遥控器 - What are you doing? - I'm looking for the remote.
什么遥控器 - What remote? - For the...
内裤 The underwear.
什么？你居然现在就穿着它吗 What? You're wearing them now?
- 你还好吧 - 我很好 - Are you okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
这是酸橘汁腌鱼肉，非常棒 This ceviche, it's so good.
恐怕是我吃过最美味的了 Quite possibly the best I have ever tasted.
我要去向厨师讨教一下秘方 Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef for the recipe.
艾比，等等 Abby, hold on.
对哈德谈谈新推出的整蛊竞技 Tell Harold about the new teaser campaign...
我们下周推出，你一定会喜欢它的 ...we're starting next week. You're gonna love this.
当然，当然 Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
节目将会是每小时 Well, they're 15 seconds...
15秒 ...every hour, on the hour.
Yep. Yep, yep.
它们非常 They're so...
非常 So...
迈克，你来说，迈克，你应该来说 You tell them, Mike. You should tell them. Yes, yes.
你来说吧 Yes, you tell them.
事实上，我非常喜欢你介绍的方式 Actually, I was really enjoying the way you were telling them. It was great.
你来说吧 You were... You were telling them.
酸橘汁腌鱼肉里放了什么东西？ What's in ceviche?
那将是一种全新的感受 They're...
They're unlike anything you have ever felt.
很棒 Amazing.
那是 And they're of...
迈克所说过的丑陋真相 Of Mike telling an ugly truth...
它们很… ...and they are just so...
很新潮 So cutting-edge.
太棒了，太刺激了 So... So fantastic. So fantastic!
天哪，太好了 Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!
天哪，你们一定会爱死它们的 Oh, God. Yeah! You're gonna love them.
她说的很有激情对吧 Well, gotta love her enthusiasm, right?
失陪一下，我得去一下洗手间 I'm gonna use the restroom, if you'll excuse me.
不好意思小家伙，这是我的玩具 Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
你一直晓得那个在他手里 Did you know he had it the whole time?
不是一直，最后才知道 Not the whole time, just part of the time.
- 我觉得我应该让你发挥完 - 你真善良啊 - I figured I should let you finish. - How kind.
谢谢你能在如此的情况下 So thanks for coming tonight. To dinner.
赏光今天的晚宴 That kind of coming.
顺便说一句，科林喜欢你 He likes you, by the way. Colin.
- 我肯定 - 真的吗 - I can tell. - Really?
- 可以走了吗 - 是的 - We ready to go? - Yeah.
- 我知道艾比一定想走了 - 那好 - I know Abby is. - Great.
我们走吧 Let's go.
- 保重，谢谢 - 再见 - Take care. Thanks. - Okay.
一切都很顺利啊 - Well, that went well, I think. - Sure did.
那当然，咱们喝一杯去 - Yeah. - Let's get a drink.
鲍勃和哈德… Bob and Harold...
- 天哪这是给我的？ - 天哪他送花给你了 - Oh, my God. For me? - Oh, my God, he sent you flowers!
等你搞定她后再和我讨论吧 Okay. Just conference me when you get a hold of her.
热气球节就要到了 Okay, bye. All right, so we have the balloon festival coming up...
我们也许可以安排一档 ...and for sweeps, it might be nice to do a segment...
讨论男人如何谎话连篇的节目 （“热气”也指“谎言”） ...on how men are full of hot air.
- 这主意如何 - 不怎么样 - Right? It's good, right? - No.
我们应该在场景上多下点功夫 We should do some stuff on location...
因为你在和群众互动上很出色 ...because you're great when you're interacting with people.
你刚才说我很出色？ I'm sorry, did you just say I'm great?
有点吧 Yeah, you kind of are.
彼此彼此，宝贝 Back at you, babe.
那么告诉我 So tell me this.
为什么那些热门纽约节目没有把你挖走 Why hasn't some fancy New York show stolen you away?
相比纽约，我更喜欢萨克拉曼多 Oh, I much prefer Sacramento to New York.
拜托，你喜欢大鱼住在小水池里 Come on. You just like being a big fish in a little pond.
没有的事 No. No.
萨克拉曼多不是水池 And Sacramento isn't really a pond, it's more of a lake, or even an estuary.
它是一片湖，甚至是一条江
这里适合家庭生活 And it's a great place to raise a family.
有优秀的教学系统 Really good school system.
公园干净，安全而且设施齐全 The parks are clean and well-maintained and safe.
这里的离婚率也远低于纽约 And there's a much lower divorce rate here than there is in New York.
好吧 Yes, well...
感谢上帝科林从来不会这么盯着女人看 Thank God Colin would never be into a woman like that.
我差点忘了科林更注重女人的品质 Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only likes women of quality, huh?
这值得赞美，而不是嘲讽，荡男 That's a trait to be admired, not mocked, man-whore.
荡男？为什么说我是荡男 Man-whore? Why am I a man-whore?
我可见过你和开心果双胞胎在一起的德行 I've seen you with the Funbag Twins, remember?
你看见了什么？ Saw me what?
你只是看见我把她们介绍给节目主管 What, you saw me introduce them to some network executives?
她们想当演员，我不能扼杀她们的梦想 They wanna be actresses, baby. I mean, who am I to kill their dream?
多慷慨的男人啊，你敢说没上过她们？ Such a generous man. You're telling me you've never slept with them?
- 我可没这么说 - 我说的没错吧 - Well, no, I didn't say that. - That's my point.
男人也好，荡男也好，最钟情于 Men, or man-whores...
那些穿着暴露，到处给男人含鸡巴的女人 ...prefer women in slutty clothes who suck lots of cock.
每个男人都喜欢这种类型 Every man wants that.
你觉得我只应和那些有学问的女人睡觉吗 And for your information, I only slept with the one who could read.
等一下，你刚才说“鸡巴” Wait a second, did you just say "cock"?
是我，我说过 Yes. Yes, I did.
我当然可以说“鸡巴” 这可不是你的专利 I can say "cock." You don't own the word. Cock.
鸡巴，鸡巴，鸡巴 Cock, cock, cock.
好啦，我听见啦 Okay, I got it.
一周前，你听到按摩棒都要大惊小怪 A week ago, you were crying at the thought of a vibrator.
现在你竟然”鸡巴这个，鸡巴那个” Now you're "cock this, cock that," cock, cock, cock.
鸡巴，鸡巴，鸡巴
- 你和科林上床了？ - 没有的事 - You slept with Colin, didn't you? - No. No.
我们打算把这个留到周末 We didn't. We're saving that for this weekend.
他打算带我去太浩湖 He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.
Well...
为我们人格互换干杯 ...here's to overturning assumptions, huh?
我可是一个有品位的男人 I'm really a man of discriminating taste and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
而你才是一个满嘴脏话的荡妇
谢谢 Thank you.
这就是我的观点 So there you have it.
别把女人想的太简单，或是想的很保守 Never assume a girl is easy or assume she's a prude.
女人总是复杂多变的 There are many layers in between.
男人们，你们要学会揭开层层面纱 And it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers...
搞清楚你在交往的是什么样的女人 ...and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with.
很有见地，不像他的风格啊 That sounded almost enlightened.
因为当你完全卸除这些面纱，我的朋友 Because once you do peel back those layers, my friends...
- 她的神秘花园正在向你招手 - 果然还是这套 ...her lady garden awaits. - And he's back.
我相信你一定会好好浇灌那些牵牛花的 And I'm pretty sure you're gonna wanna fertilize that patch of petunias.
谢谢你，迈克 Well, thanks, Mike.
接下来，贾尔将告诉大家这个周末 Coming up after this message, Javier tells us if your petunias...
你们的牵牛花是否会喜迎甘露 ...are gonna see any rainfall this weekend.
我打赌我的花一定希望这样 I sure hope mine do.
我想回家，但是我们先校对一下稿子吧 I wanna go home, but let's go over the script.
好的，让我们抓紧点时间 Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.
- 你的面纱真叫人兴奋 - 想揭开吗 - I'm turned on with the layers. - Want to see these layers?
- 他在这里 - 怎么了 - There he is. - Hey, what's up?
好消息，你一定大吃一惊 Good news. You're not gonna believe this.
- 怎么了 - 我帮你联系上了克雷格的“夜夜秀” - What? - I got you on The Late Late Show...
他们邀请你当嘉宾 ...with Craig Ferguson. They want you as his guest.
- 菲戈森希望我参加他的节目？ - 是啊 - Ferguson wants me on his show? - Yeah.
- 你拿我开玩笑吗 - 当然不是 - You're shitting me. - I am not shitting you.
- 太好了 - 我们成功了 - Oh, yeah. - We made it.
太好了 Yes!
你是谁 Hi. Who are you?
我是瑞克 Oh, this is Rick.
- 我是他经纪人 - 没错 - I'm his agent. - Yeah.
你什么时候有经纪人了，又从何时起 Since when do you have an agent? And since when is it okay...
不经过制作人首肯就擅自预约“夜秀” ...to book Late Night without the producer's approval?
确切说，是夜夜秀，有两个夜字 Actually, it's Late Late. It's two "lates."
这一切都是从他在早间节目出了名开始的 And since he became the hottest personality on morning TV.
- 你看见他的收视率了吗 - 是的，我看见了 - Have you seen this guy's ratings? - Yes. Yes, I have.
就这么说定了，你今晚启程 Yeah, okay. Anyways, you leave tonight.
- 好的 - 一切都安排好了 - Okay. - It's all set.
- 太棒了 - 来吧，咱们走吧 - How cool is this? - Come on, let's go.
我的天哪 Oh, my God!
乔伊说你想见我？ Joy said you wanted to see me?
我刚刚知道，迈克要跳槽了 I found out that Mike's being offered a job...
旧金山CBS电台以两倍薪水把他挖走了 ...at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco at twice the pay.
克雷格·菲戈森是他的主编 Craig Ferguson is his audition.
- 你说的是认真的吗 - 当然是 - You can't be serious. - Oh, I'm serious.
如果鲍勃和哈德发现这事，我们死定了 If Bob and Harold find out about this, we're dead.
我希望你能飞过去和他谈谈 Now, I need you to fly out there and talk him out of it.
我这个周末要去太浩湖 I'm going to Lake Tahoe this weekend.
别让他察觉你已经知道这一切了 Don't let him know that you know.
让他先参加节目 Go ahead and let him do the show, get us our publicity...
然后劝说他和我们签下三年合约 ...and then convince him that he needs to sign on with us...
这是我们唯一可以做的了 ...for the next three years. That's all we can do.
斯图亚，我刚刚落脚，我马上去找他 Stuart, I'm pulling up. I'm gonna try to catch him.
好的，我一会给你回电话 Okay. I'll call you back.
谢谢 Thank you.
你这张屌脸 Hello, little stupid penis face.
要不是我你能有今天 You'd be on cable access if it weren't for me.
- 竟然要跳槽去CBS - 小姐你没事吧 - Here you wanna move to CBS. - Is everything okay, miss?
没事，我只是在练习我的演讲 Yes, I'm just... I'm practicing my speech.
艾比？你来这干嘛？ Abby? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Tahoe.
我以为你去太浩湖了
你一天都离不开我 You couldn't spend a day without me.
我对你卓越的智慧和迷人的魅力难以自拔 Yes. I just can't get enough of your sparkling wit and charm.
斯图亚认为你对制片的需求超过我的约会 Stuart thought you needed a producer more than I needed to get laid.
我得先登记入住，5分钟后我们出发 Come on, I gotta check in. We leave in five minutes.
- 5分钟，滴答滴答 - 好，亲爱的 - Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock. - Yes, dear.
让我们排演一下访谈的问题 Okay, so let's go over the pre-interview questions.
很抱歉你周末不能和小科林约会 I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time with little Colin this weekend.
“小”字，绝对不是指他那个太小 And by "little," I don't mean undersized...
虽然我严重怀疑事实就是如此 ...although I highly suspect that's the case.
你现在非得谈论科林的阳具吗 Colin's penis. That's what you wanna talk about right now?
我觉得我们该谈论一下 Because I thought we should talk about...
你在节目里的台词 ...what you're gonna say on the show.
好吧好吧 Yeah. Okay.
迈克，你如何获得“丑陋真相”的灵感 So tell me, Mike, how did The Ugly Truth start?
克雷格·菲戈森先生 Well, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson...
我曾经是一个推销员 ...I had a sales job...
我开车闯南走北，我听电台广播 ...where I was driving around a lot, listening to talk radio.
拨打热线，从而发现自己出众的智慧 I started calling in, and then I realized I'm smarter than everybody else.
你可以问问我的制作人，艾比 Just ask my producer, Abby.
在她非低糜期，她觉得我是个天才 She thinks I'm a genius on days when she's not sexually frustrated.
是啊，你的智慧浓缩了众生百态 Yes, thousands of lives have been enriched by your wisdom.
小姐，你难道不是靠我才追到男朋友吗 Excuse me, lady, but you have a boyfriend right now because of me.
也许开始是，但后来都是我自己的功劳 It may have started because of you, but it's lasted because of me.
你又开始那套控制狂的调调了 You're acting like your normal control-freak psycho self again.
我不是控制狂 I am not a control freak.
刚才你登记时，有没有非坚持要一间 When you checked into the hotel, did you or did you not insist...
7楼以上朝东的房间 ...on getting an eastern-facing room on a floor not below 7?
我喜欢看日出和视野开阔 I like rising with the sun, and a view.
科林喜欢的是迈克改装以后的艾比 My point is, that Colin likes the Mike version of Abby...
不是真实的艾比 ...not the Abby version of Abby.
所以，不要诋毁我的至理名言 So don't go knocking my words of wisdom...
你的经历恰恰证明它们是正确的 ...when you're living proof that they work.
我原本现在可以享受性爱的 I could be having sex right now.
请走这边 Right this way, please.
哥们太棒了，你要上国家电视频道了 Dude, this is awesome. You are about to go on national television.
现在说这个可没有什么帮助 Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.
你只要像平时一样发挥就好 Just, you know, do what you always do.
- 我平时怎么做的？ - 你…我也说不清 - What do I always do? - You... I don't know, you...
你用你低能的观点娱乐大众 You entertain people with your moronic ideas...
他们就吃你这一套 ...and they love you for it.
这是你说过最好的话了 That may be the nicest thing you said to me.
不客气 - You're welcome. - Next up...
接下来有请迈克·查维 ...here to tell us the ugly truth about men and women...
向我们展现男人女人间丑陋的真相 ...is Mike Chadway, everybody. Mike Chadway.
迈克，迈克，迈克 Mike, Mike, Mike.
过来吧 Come on up.
大家好吗 Hey, how are you, folks?
欢迎你，迈克 All right, Mike, welcome.
男人，我们男人，我可以这么说吧 Now, listen. Men, we men, I think I can say "we men."
不单止小男人，而是广义的男性 Not necessarily "wee" men, but men of all sizes...
我懂你的意思 - No, I get it. I get it. - We're not known for our expertise...
我们会因为心理原因而无法发挥专长 ...in matters of the heart.
但我听说你对此有很多独到的见解和理论 But I hear you have some very interesting ideas and theories.
能谈谈关于寻找爱情，你有什么建议吗 What advice would you give to the people out there...
我的建议是 ...that are looking for love? - My advice would be:
不要寻找爱情 Don't do it.
纯粹的性爱会更简单而且没有那么多烦恼 I mean, try to find lust instead. It's a lot easier and a lot less messy.
失败的性爱最多沮丧几小时 Blue balls, they only last a few hours, but a broken heart, that can last years.
为情所伤的心却会持续很多年
天哪，告诉我，她叫什么名字 Goodness me. Tell me, then. What's her name?
谁 Who?
那个伤害你的女人，她一定很出色 The woman that screwed you up. She must have been a doozy.
就像我说，找个美女不如找个妓女 Well, like I said, better a floozy than a doozy.
我在找艾比·里克特 Hi. I was looking for an Abby Richter.
- 你搞定他没有 - 我正在努力 - Did you get him? Is he ours? - I'm working on it.
我得挂了 I gotta go.
- 瑞克在哪里 - 我打发他回家了 - Where's Rick? - I sent him home.
我想和你单独庆祝，给我喝点 I thought you and I could celebrate on our own. Give me some of that.
我们到底在庆祝什么 And what exactly are we celebrating?
拜托，我参加了克里格·菲戈森的节目 Hello? Craig Ferguson? I was just on it.
你看节目了吗 I mean, maybe you saw it?
我听说了CBS电台给你邀请 I heard about the offer from CBS.
也许你也听说了，我拒绝他们了 Well, then maybe you heard I turned it down.
你拒绝了？ You did?
为什么 Why?
约拿 Jonah.
你知道的，他离不开我 You know, he needs me around.
也许我不是做好爸爸的最佳人选 I may not be the best father figure out there...
但我是他唯一的选择 ...but I'm the only one he's got.
我不想因为去了旧金山而半途而废 And I don't wanna half-ass it all the way from San Francisco.
我觉得这是个明智的选择 Well, I think that's a very good decision.
谢谢 Thank you.
我们可以不谈工作了吗 Now, can we stop talking about work...
放松一下，开怀畅饮，享受生活吧 ...and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?
天哪 God.
和我说说那个出色的女人 Tell me about the doozy.
那个伤害过你的女人 You know, the woman who broke your heart.
你是不是想烦死我啊 You are just totally trying to kill my buzz.
我只是好奇是什么导致你成为现在这样 No, I'm not. I'm just interested in what makes you you.
给你说吧 Well, for your information...
可不止一个呢 ...it was more than just one.
简直像是个阅兵队一样 It was more like a parade.
共事的女孩，不忠的女孩 Codependent girls, unfaithful girls...
颓废的女孩，自恋的女孩，虚伪的女孩 ...depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls.
还有最终发现其实不喜欢我的女孩 Girls who, it turned out, didn't actually like me.
当我到了30岁 By the time I hit 30, I realized that...
经历了那么多恶心的关系后 ...you can only have so many lousy relationships...
我终于知道根本没有真爱这玩意 ...before you figure out there's no such thing as a good one.
你不会真的不相信，有真爱存在吧 You can't really believe there's no such thing as a good relationship.
绝对如此 To my very core.
您需要点些什么吗 Hello. Can I get you something?
- 我想来杯她手上的那种 - 古巴鸡尾酒，好的 - I'll have one of those, please. - A mojito. Sure.
- 还要别的什么吗 - 来点水 - Would you like anything else? - Yeah, some water.
蒸馏水还是苏打水 Okay, would you like still or sparkling?
- 自来水就好 - 好的 - Tap water's great. Thanks. - Tap. All right.
什么 What?
那不是一样的东西吗 It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
我长知识了 So I've been told.
来吧，我们一起跳舞 Come on, let's dance.
来吧，我是认真的 No, I'm serious.
我只见你手舞足蹈，我想看你真正跳舞 I've seen your spazzy dance, now I wanna see the real thing.
- 不，我不会跳这种舞 - 我会一点 - No, really. I can't dance like that. - I can. Well, kind of.
迈克，不要 Oh, Mike, no.
不 No.
我们明早早班飞机，我们应该回去了 We have an early flight tomorrow. We should go.
是啊，我们该回去了 Yeah. We should go.
明天8点有车在楼下接你 So the car is gonna pick us up downstairs tomorrow at 8.
- 需要我打电话叫你起床吗 - 不用，我有早起呼叫服务 - Do you want me to call you? - No, I'll get a wake-up call.
- 好主意 - 是啊 - Oh, yeah, good idea. - Yeah.
- 今晚玩的真开心 - 我也是 - I had a really good time tonight. - Me too.
是啊 Yeah.
- 我的楼层到了 - 好的 - My floor. - Yeah.
- 明天见 - 8点钟哦 - See you tomorrow. - Eight o'clock.
8点钟 Eight o'clock.
- 晚安 - 晚安 - Good night. - Good night.
- 晚安 - 晚安 - Good night. - Yeah, good night.
- 今晚真开心 - 是啊 - A lot of fun. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
我想 I guess...
我想我得走了 I guess I should go, huh?
是啊 Yeah.
晚安 Good night.
怎么回事啊 What the hell was that?
为什么我还想再来一次 Why do I wanna do it again?
- 想我吗 - 科林 - Miss me? - Colin.
- 你在期待别人吗 - 没有 - You were expecting someone else? - No.
因为你不能去太浩湖，所以我决定来找你 Since you couldn't come to Lake Tahoe, I decided to come to you.
- 你怎么知道我在这里 - 乔伊告诉我的 - How did you know I was here? - Joy told me.
当我想象原本计划里我们要做的事情 I just started thinking about all the stuff we were going to do there, and l...
过来坐 Come here. - Decided I couldn't wait.
我就迫不及待的过来找你了
- 来点香槟？ - 好啊 - A little champagne? - Yeah.
太棒了 Great.
真高兴来到这里 So happy to be here. Oh, yes.
- 怎么了 - 没什么，太吃惊了 - What's wrong? - Nothing. You just surprised me.
- 你告诉过我你是个随性的人 - 我是的 - You told me you were spontaneous. - Yes, I did.
我另外还你准备了些东西，你会喜欢的 Have a little something else on its way up for you. You are going to love it.
喷的好快啊 Let me tell you, it comes out so fast, right?
看来我们要提前脱光衣服了 Oh, wow, I guess we have to get naked sooner than I thought.
- 我去给你拿毛巾 - 好的 - I'll get you a towel. - Okay.
艾比，我 Abby, I...
我真的想再来一次，不仅仅是今晚 Abby, I really, really wanna do that again, and not just tonight.
我靠 Fuck.
靠，靠，靠 Fuck, fuck, fuck.
加油，查维，你能搞定的 Man up, Chadway. Come on, you can do this.
你不是房间服务生 Hey... Hey. You're not room service.
- 你好吗 - 你好 - How you doing, man? - Hey.
很高兴见到你 Hey. Good to see you. L...
我只是想告诉艾比航班时间改变了 I just came by to tell Abby about the change in our flight time...
我一会再来 ...but I can come by later.
- 你好 - 你好 - Hi. - Hey.
你在这里干什么 What are you doing here?
航班改了 Flight's changed.
早上8点钟 Eight o'clock in the morning.
我告诉你了吗 I told you that already?
抱歉，这一天事太多了 I'm so... Long day, big day.
我这就走 Okay, I'll just leave now.
迈克，迈克 Mike. Mike.
等一下 Hey, wait.
他过来给我一个惊喜 He came to surprise me. I...
- 真贴心啊 - 不是，我 - Hey, how convenient. - No, l...
开门时我以为会是你 I thought it was you at the door.
看来我们可以换换位置了 Well, I guess we're all interchangeable.
我教的不错啊 I taught you well.
也许你可以主持节目 Hey, maybe you could even host the show.
告诉我刚才电梯里是怎么回事 Tell me what happened in the elevator.
我应该让科林走吗 Should I tell Colin to go?
不 No.
为什么把你的心上人赶走 No, why pull up anchor now?
你这么努力才得到他 I mean, you worked damn hard to get him here.
就这些？这是你想对我说的吗 And that's it? That's all you have to say?
你想让我说什么 What do you want me to say?
真相很丑陋，不是吗 The truth is ugly, isn't it?
这是我一直想让你明白的 That's what I've been trying to tell you.
回见 I'll see you.
很抱歉 Sorry about that.
没关系，真的 No. Honestly, no worries.
过来 Just come here.
听着，剩下的夜晚将是我们的 Listen, the rest of the night is ours.
为我们未来无数次中第一个浪漫之夜干杯 To the first of many romantic evenings to come.
好吧 Okay.
科林，你为什么喜欢我 Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?
你很美，你很聪明 You're beautiful. You're smart.
你 You...
你从来不批评我 You never criticize.
你从来没有试图控制我 You know what? You never try to control the situation.
对我来说，就像呼入一股新鲜空气 And I've gotta say, it's a breath of fresh air...
因为我以往认识太多控制狂的女人了 ...because I know so many women who are total control freaks...
简直像噩梦一样 ...and it's a nightmare.
- 我就是喜欢你不那样 - 但我是那样的 - I just love that you're not like that. - But I am.
我就是那种人 I am just like that.
你什么意思 Wait, what do you mean?
这酒应该冰一下 Well, this should be chilled.
但是你知道的 But you know that.
也许听起来很糟糕 And as horrible as it sounds...
我对你那套长篇大论充满意见 ...I was editing that speech the entire time you were giving it.
当你喂我吃鱼子酱时，我痛苦的要命 And the time you fed me caviar, I was in physical pain.
我讨厌像喂婴儿一样让你喂我 I hate being fed like a toddler.
我就是这么个控制狂 That's how much of a control freak I am.
但我不敢暴露这些 But I couldn't show you any of that, because...
因为谁会爱上这样一个女人 ...who would love someone like that?
没有人会 No one.
对不起 I'm so sorry.
你是个好男人，真的 You are a great guy, you really are.
所以我要告诉你，和你约会的每一秒钟 Which is why I have to tell you that I have not been myself.
我都不再是我自己 Not for one second of the time that we've been dating.
那你假装的是谁 Then who have you been?
一个白痴设计出的形象 The girl some idiot told me to be.
佛瑞德，早上好 Morning, Freddy.
你对他做了什么 What did you do to him?
我什么都没有做，他自己错过了班机 I didn't do anything. He missed the flight all on his own.
他今早辞职了 He quit this morning.
CBS台的电话里说他们和他达成了协议 I got a call from the local CBS affiliate saying they'd closed a deal with him.
公司高层大发脾气，到底发生了什么 Corporate's having a shit fit. What the hell happened?
他辞职去了我们本地的竞争对手那里？ He quit to go to one of our local competitors?
我们不需要迈克·查维 We don't need Mike Chadway.
他这样的长毛猿人到处都是 Halfwit troglodytes are a dime a dozen.
你最好是对的 You'd better be right.
如果你找不到其他人选，节目将被取消 Because you gotta find me another one or else we're canceled.
我会在今天结束前找到的 I'll find one by the end of the day.
不是真的，各位，我只是在开玩笑 Not really. I'm just... That's just a joke, everybody.
不敢相信我会对他有感觉 I can't believe I allowed myself to feel for him.
你的感觉已经使你和科林分手了，抱歉 Well, you felt enough something to break up with Colin. I'm sorry.
那些是迈克·查维的代替品 Okay, here are the Mike Chadway replacements.
入围，淘汰，入围，淘汰，肯定淘汰 - Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no. - "Fuck no." All right.
淘汰，好吧
你觉得新设备如何 So, what do you think of the new set?
我很钟意 I love it.
你旧节目名字版权归KS XP台所有 KS XP retained the copyright to your old segment title...
所以我们取名叫“和迈克一起早间疯狂” ...so we retitled you: Morning Madness With Mike.
我很喜欢 Love it.
- 这是乔，你的新制作人 - 你好 - And this is Joe, your new producer. - Hi.
知道我最喜欢你哪点吗，乔 You know what I like best about you, Joe?
我绝对不会想和你上床 Is I don't wanna have sex with you at all.
听到这个我很放心 I'm relieved to hear that.
我的脸怎么样，会不会太亮 How's my face? Is it too shiny?
哪边比较好，右还是左，或者正面？ Which side is better? Right, left, full frontal?
都很好，我们再练习一遍介绍部分好吗 They're all great. Can we go over your intro one more time?
我是杰克·麦根，这是 - "I'm Jack Magnum, and this is..." - The Ugly Truth.
“丑陋的真相”
好吧，也许去掉开枪部分会好一些 Okay. Let's maybe lose the gun thing.
什么，开枪是我的标志动作 What? Gun's my signature move.
除非手枪协会支付你这个月的房屋贷款 Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month...
要不然，给我去掉开枪的动作 ...I say lose the effing gun.
好的，直播开始，5，4，3… All right, we're live in five, four, three...
2，1 Two, one.
- 你觉得这家伙能行吗 - 他最好能 - Think this guy's any good? - He better be.
我是杰克·麦根 I'm Jack Magnum, and this is The Ugly Truth.
欢迎收看“丑陋的真相”节目
- 安静 - 他应该去搞政治 - Peace. - Oh, Jesus. He's going political.
我们将询问热气球驾驶员 We'll do a couple questions with the balloon pilot...
有多少情侣会上热气球飞行，然后退场 ...about how often couples get it on in-flight, and then we're out.
知道了 Got it.
- 看看你的代替品 - 杰克·麦根 - Check it out. Your replacement's on. - Jack Magnum.
- 我的什么 - 最近怎么样，杰克 - My what? - How's it going, Jack?
你的代替品 Your replacement?
多数收看节目的观众是为了学习如何泡妞 Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks.
我保证你们会受益匪浅 Well, let me assure you, you're in good hands.
你面前的这个人 You're looking at a guy...
曾经和137个女人上过床 ...who personally has had sex with over 137 women.
而且她们中大部分都是清醒的 Most of them conscious.
- 太强了 - 今天是热气球节 - This is beautiful. - Now, we're at the balloon festival...
我原本该谈论下，男人总是满嘴谎言 （“热气”也指“谎言”） ...and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air.
但我认为，女人才是满嘴废话 But I think we all know, it's the ladies that are full of crap.
她们说不，但并不代表她们真的不想 Just because she says no, doesn't mean she means no.
如果真是如此，我的记录将降低到90 If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women...
- 好的 - 搞什么鬼 - Okay. All right. - What the hell?
她刚才？ Did she...?
欢迎回到演播厅 Welcome back.
看起来有些技术故障 It looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulty.
当你在准备红酒节时… Yeah, when you have a wine festival...
好了，我搞定了 Okay, I got it.
- 你好 - 我们回来了 - Hi. - We're back.
不好意思 I'm sorry...
杰克·麦根不再会主持“丑陋的真相” ... but Jack Magnum will no longer be able to do The Ugly Truth.
大家不需要感到吃惊 Which should really come as no surprise...
因为男人都是很不稳定的 ...because men are completely unreliable.
她在做什么 What is she doing?
好的，哈德，我知道，我立刻改正 Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, I know. We're fixing it.
拿迈克·查维举例来说 Take Mike Chadway, for instance.
他一声不响就离开了节目 He up and quit the show without so much as a word.
你以为你知道男人该怎么做 You think you know what men are gonna do, you think you know...
你以为你知道男人想做什么 ... what men want to do.
但真到了紧要关头 But when it comes down to that moment...
需要他们主动进取的时候 ... where they actually need to step up and, I don't know, make a move...
他们却胆怯了 ... they chicken out.
- 我受够了 - 你去哪里 - I am all over this. - Where are you going?
- 我们就要直播了 - 效果不错，是吧 - We're live in two. - It's going great, isn't it?
我们从9岁起就在小说和电影里看到的 The big, strong, brave men that we've all been reading about...
高大，强壮，勇敢的男人 ...in novels and watching in movies since we were 9 years old...
其实都是幻象，他们根本不存在 ...that's a fallacy. They don't exist.
男人根本不强壮，男人也不勇敢 Men are not strong. Men are not brave.
男人很胆小 Men are afraid.
这是节目一部分，效仿安迪·考夫曼 It's all part of the show. It's an Andy Kaufman thing we're doing.
即使是在宾馆电梯里 Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator...
无限浪漫和激情 ... and it's totally romantic and full of potential...
男人还是不能把握时机 ...men are incapable of copping to it.
为什么呢？ Because why?
因为男人很脆弱 Men are weak.
让我来告诉一些关于女人的事情吧 Let me tell you something about women.
女人总是扮演受害人的角色 - Hey. - Woman would have us believe...
说我们为了看体育，伤害了她们的心 ...that they are the victims. That we break their hearts for sport.
- 我以为他辞职了呢 - 这些都是狗屁 - I thought he quit. - That's crap.
瞧，我说过他会回来的 See? I told you we'd get him back.
她们说想要真爱，其实想要的是张清单 They say they want true love, but all they want is a checklist.
他够不够完美，他帅不帅，他是不是医生 Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor?
那些符合标准的男人们 For you men who fit the criteria...
不要欺骗你自己，她们不是在和你上床 ... don't kid yourselves, they're not sleeping with you.
而是在和一件精挑细选的物件上床 They're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices.
金钱胜于本质，外表胜于灵魂 Money over substance, looks over soul.
品位胜于原则 Polish over principles.
不管有多真实或者浪漫 No gesture, no matter how real or romantic...
都抵不上那份外交使节一样的清单 ...will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.
说这话的男人只会做这种手势 This coming from a man who's never made a gesture...
...other than this one.
那么在电梯里的手势不算数吗 Oh, so the elevator wasn't a gesture?
电梯里的那是激情 The elevator was a moment of passion...
但随之而来的显然就是你的恐慌 ...followed by a moment of panic on your part, apparently.
- 恐慌？我去了你的房间 - 是的，然后逃了 - Panic? I came by your room. - Yes, and then you ran away.
甜心，那不是恐慌 That wasn't panic, sweetheart.
那是因为不愿意在你的床上 That was an unwillingness to compete...
填写那份“活”清单 ...with the walking checklist that was in your bed.
你应该感谢我 You should be thanking me.
我们还有10秒钟 We got 10 seconds.
准备好起飞了吗 Are we ready to soar up, up and away?
欢迎收看“丑陋的真相”节目 Well, there you have it, folks. That's the ugly truth.
脚踩两只船的女孩 A girl in heat for two guys...
选择了其中个人条件更好的那位 ...will choose the one with the better résumé.
胡说 That is bullsh...
节目时间到 And we're out.
我恨你，我在直播节目里发誓 God. I hate you so much, I just swore on live television.
你恨的是自己的浅薄 No, you hate yourself for being so shallow.
- 我们启程了 - 我们要去哪里 - Off we go. - Where are we going?
我不会和你一起去的 I'm not going anywhere with you.
- 天哪，你在半空中 - 我劝你别这样 - Well, that's a shocker, you're bailing. - I wouldn't recommend that.
用随行的摄像机继续拍摄 Keep rolling on the onboard camera.
你在干嘛，天啊，你发什么疯啊 What are you doing? God, what is wrong with you?
他们还不知道自己在直播里吧 They don't even know they're on the air, do they?
有什么办法可以告诉他们吗 Is there any way to tell them they're on the air?
- 没办法 - 他们一定会咒骂不休的 - Nope. - Oh, they're gonna curse. I know it.
谁想来点香槟 So who wants champagne?
我有个好主意 Oh, I know. I got a great idea.
我们不如聊聊你和科林在洛杉矶 Why don't we pass the time with you telling me...
如何翻云覆雨，逍遥快活的 ...how much fun you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?
我和科林在洛杉矶分手了，你这个白痴 I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass.
在我们左侧，将看见高齿山脊 On our left, you'll see the High Sierras...
- 什么 - 你感兴趣了？ - What? - Oh, yeah. That's got your interest.
你太蠢了，竟以为我们刚开始就结束了 If you think we're gonna finish what we started...
你失去了机会 ...you're out of your mind. You lost your chance.
拜托，我从没有过机会和你在一起 Oh, come on. I never had a chance with you.
在右侧，你将看见可爱的萨克拉曼多河 And to our right here, you'll see the lovely Sacramento River...
蜿蜒在这如画的风景里 ...winding its way through the dichromatic landscape.
你能不能闭嘴，谢谢 Could you please stop talking? Thank you.
你说得对，我有过瞬间的判断失误 You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgment...
我以为你会比想象中的好，但其实不是 ...when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't.
是吗，你这话什么意思 Oh, yeah? Well, what does that mean?
我是迈克·查维，我喜欢果冻里的女孩 "I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jell-O.
我喜欢像猴子一样做爱，动情很可怕 I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love, it's scary."
看在上帝的份上，这是第一次 Oh, for God's sakes, there's the first one.
我觉得恐慌，害怕 Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.
特别是我爱上了你这样一个疯子 Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.
我不是疯子 I am not a psycho.
爱？ Love?
我告诉你我爱你，你却只听见“疯子” I just told you that I loved you, and all you heard was "psycho."
- 你是个地道的神经质 - 不是 - You're the definition of neurotic. - No. The definition of neurotic...
神经质指焦虑过度，有强迫性行为的人 ...is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts...
- 你没有任何客观证据 - 闭嘴 ...without any objective evidence of... - Shut up.
又来了，我只是告诉你，我爱你 Yet again, I just told you I'm in love with you...
而你却站在这里给我上词汇课 ...and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.
你爱上我了 You're in love with me.
为什么 Why?
见鬼了 Beats the shit out of me...
但我真的爱你 ...but I am.
迈克 Oh, Mike.
- 你太棒了 - 是吗？ - You're amazing. - I am?
你简直是神 Oh, you're a god.
- 真的吗 - 天哪 - Really? - Oh, God!
我真的很棒吗 Am I really that good?
还是你… Or are you...?
你是不是在装啊 Are you just faking it?
你永远不会知道的 You'll never know.