华丽的乌龟
看起来不对劲。
我觉得还可以。
这是甲板上的灯！如果我知道
我会安装照明窗。
这么生动的灯笼，你不喜欢吗？
一点也不。我一看到这样的灯笼就晕船。
这是安德里亚！
你好！
嗨，亲爱的！
他们还不错，对吧？
我的意思是抬头看看，我妻子的腿看起来一点也不差
你想让她去自由女神像那里炫耀她的容貌吗？
任何东西都比她想要的这盏灯好。
建筑师，请不要说这样的话......
玛丽亚的品味真好，毕竟她嫁给了我。
- 快来看看！ - 不，没关系，我相信你的品味。
我不想被困在生石灰里。
亲爱的，你快点啊，我们还要换衣服。
我的车怎么办？
我稍后会开车送它到你家。
太好了，明天见！
明天见，夫人。
我很抱歉把她从你身边夺走。
我能做什么呢？但是，我仍然不会投资这盏灯……
我已经得到六个了。
木匠还没完工，泥瓦匠就什么也做不了……
木匠正在等待电工……
电工正在等待泥瓦匠离开……
只有他们都离开后我们才能搬进来……
...我们的年龄和 Cacao Talmone 包装盒上的那两个人一样大。
不不不，没那么糟糕。他们今天把大门送来了，但装不进去……
..因为栅栏还没有建好，而且栅栏..
建筑师说摇椅很资产阶级，但我喜欢它！
他说我必须在他和椅子之间做出选择。我选择了椅子。
我告诉他：“你把椅子往下拉的时候，我都紧张坏了！”说得真好，对吧？
安德里亚，你在听吗？
嗯？是的，我在听呢。
我刚才说什么了？
您说的是建筑师，对吗？
你说得完全正确，这是你的房子，不是他的。
你觉得我的领口太深了吗？
太深奥了？不，我觉得很美。让大家欣赏吧。我不自私。
你很年轻，不像那位老男爵夫人……
...领口垂到腰部。
你太夸张了！她的领口就在胸部的位置。
确切地！
她和你一点都不像那个可怜的男爵夫人。
我娶了个老婆！真是女神。
幸亏我还没涂口红。
不幸的是你已经穿上了这件衣服。
如果我们不去俱乐部怎么办？我们去睡觉吧。
—好吧，放手……—不
够了，安德里亚……我快准备好了。我们会迟到。
你先是挑衅我，然后又抛弃我……
美好的。
大家好，意大利现在已经没人戴帽子了。
没人再戴帽子了……
但毫无争议的是它们仍然有用。
它们保护人们免受阳光、雨水、掉落的屋顶瓦片、流鼻涕、秃顶的伤害……
……或者至少能遮住秃头。我们去跟人打招呼的时候会把头发摘下来……
……故事发生在火车上。帽子是保护者——我们的屋顶。
当我的祖父于 1872 年创立他的 Artusi 帽子工厂时……
...帽子成为了荣誉和风格的象征...
...并为各个年龄段的男性提供良好的教养。
Collectively Italian hat makers produce...
...50 million hats annually.
This number as you understand...
You didn't keep your promise. You were going to send a Bitters bottle to my husband.
Will you visit me in jail?
...In order to sell all 50 million hats every Italian male should wear at least two...
Signora Anuzzi, did you see Mariotti's wife changed hair color again?
That's right! Last time I saw her she was with young blond guy in a car!
...Do you know what happens with the rest of those hats?
My friend got a cowboy hat in Texas.
Only back in Milan he realized it said "Made In Italy" inside.
It's true. It's time to confirm Richard Widmark's, John Wayne's...
Burt Lancaster's hats are made in Florence, Brescia and Bologna.
I finished!
What a great speech! Congratulations!
It's the first time I did not fall asleep at the Club's meeting.
Yes, you just yawned.
Who? Me? Everyone did.
The Texas story was a gem!
You're very kind, Signore Calice, thank you! It was just a bit of advertising.
Thank you! Bravo, I liked it!
Dear Andrea, congratulations!
You didn't quite convince me. I am still not going to wear hats.
Very bad! I am telling you - A doctor with no hat is not trustworthy.
Good evening, congratulations! What happened to your brother?
Nothing major. He banged his fingers with a car door.
Is it nothing major for a doctor when someone loses two fingers?
He didn't lose them, they just look like this now.
Careful, Cuckold's there..
- Dear Mariotti, how are you? - Good evening! - Signora!
I am one of those 20%
Glad to hear it, very good, congratulations!
Mariotti is such an optimist. He doesn't know cuckolds' percentage is much higher.
Andrea...
Good night, Professor!
Bye, Deputy!
Ah, dear Deputy!
Hi, Andrea!
-Well? -What? -Just don't tell me there was no meeting...
...or I'll be very angry. -What about?
Regarding the fence!
Oh, how many times should I tell you that the Municipal Government...
...has its construction standards and I have to respect those.
It's just a simple fence..
Why do you insist on constructing the 50 X 4 meters one?
Ok, really... Am I trying to build The Great Wall of China?
Seriously, the matter is hopeless.
However if you bribe me.. Who knows.. It's better to do something..
It's like school days all over again. You did my homework and I gave you my lunch?
That's right, bye.
You're going to get some lunch now.. So cocky! Deputy!
Ah, Signore Artusi, it's you..
One moment, darling.
I have to reprimand you a little...
Me? What have I done?
Nothing. It was an excuse, I need help to escape this boredom.
If I suggest it to my husband he won't agree. He's the president and feels obliged to stay.
What should I suggest, I am not sure... Are we going anywhere?
Our home if you wish. Anything to get out of this crypt.
At least once a month a woman should host the meeting.
Discussing what she does at home and how she spends her time...
The Cuckold's wife hosting that meeting would be a great one!
You're so bad!
May I interrupt you?
What's going on?
Cristiana is inviting to their place.
Her legs are a bit fat.
True. But her body! I envy her lover. Who will get her?
To get her? With that husband? There is no chance.
Did you try?
Me? No but I know. Everyone here knows what the other wears to bed at night.
Imagine what happens if she goes to bed with another man.
My husband believes knowledge is the product of insomnia. Do you agree?
Does he sleep much?
Quite enough!
I'll go with your wife.
Get her back to me, President. She is the only one I have.
See you at our place.
Damn, I forgot to pay for the registration. OK, will do tomorrow.
What are you thinking about?
Me? I am thinking about you.
Do you want one?
Thank you.
I'll give you a light.
Cristiana's not bad. At least I have not noticed anything wrong.
She is quite pretty.
I was thinking about you too. I was watching you.
You can tell a man's personality by his car.
And what do you see?
The car is fast. The driver isn't.
She is provoking me.
You're wrong. I can become crazy too.
Are we being chased?
Yes, let them go ahead.
Alright.
- This is better -Yes. - Now we are watching them without being watched.
You prefer to watch and be invisible? Is it so?
Well, actually there are no reasons for us to hide, except...
Except?
Except I might be wrong... Maybe you can be adventurous.
I'm sorry, maybe you're not as dull as you seem.
God, there is no doubt if I say nothing she'll think I'm an idiot.
If you judge men by their cars you must have reasons for that.
Can you stop here?
Here? Is she mad? OK, I'll stop.
We have arrived
What a pity! You just started to court me.
I can resume again.
This is Flemish Gobelin tapestry of Seventeenth Century.
I bought it by chance in Paris 4 years ago. Lucky purchase.
This Harpsichord is from Venice. I paid less than 2 million, almost nothing.
All these things cost so much money.
No, I can give you advice what to get for your new house.
Antique furniture is my hobby.
I thought your hobby is to be the President of every Club. You have a great collection of those.
"Credit of Brescia", "Essence of Tourism", Agreement club, Rotary club, Golf club,
Alps Club... Am I missing anything?
Stop, stop... You're joking but you have no idea what a burden it is.
So many times I just could not decline.
Like everything in this town - it becomes personal.
Look at her! Her husband's right here and she could care less.
...drawer's bottom and I know everything...
What do you know, darling?
About antique furniture.
Enrico, I have to do it all alone, right?
What?
Would you give me your company, Andrea?
With pleasure!
Let's go break some ice!
Put an apron on me and I will be your waiter.
No, seriously - I have many talents.
You have many talents?
In the kitchen.
I am afraid you will be disappointed.
Why?
You will literally have to break ice.
I did not count on anything more than that.
Who's there?
Valeria. Maid. 19 years old, healthy, poor personal hygiene. Interested?
Our maid is 40.
What a mummy! Want to see ours? Come.
Be brave, come in.
Not bad, huh?
Rough but very original.
Plain hemp slip.
Plain garter stockings. Like she is in mourning.
And no bra.
You'll wake her...
No worries, her sleep is deep.
What do you say?
Andrea! What's with you?
No, stop..
Let me go...
Another time! We'll see each other...
First, you provoke me...
I'll go to the maid.
Last time we danced was 3 years ago when you got married.
You wore a red dress.
What memory! It was the last time I danced. Andrea is not a good dancer.
It looks like he knows what he is doing.
So?
Where do you want to go tomorrow?
I don't know...
Let's do a hotel.
Hotel? You're crazy. It's dangerous. Someone might see us.
Nobody will see us. It's Grand-hotel "Impero" 10 kilometers away from here. Absolutely safe.
Come at 5 o'clock sharp.
Try to be punctual.
Park the car near the hotel's entrance.
There are always free parking spots there.
Even if there are many cars park in the third row across the building.
Then only the front license plate will be seen. It's very small, nobody will read it.
Take any room but not on the Ground floor
The Administration office is there. We might stumble on someone.
Write a note with the room number. There is a desk in the hall.
Give the envelope to the porter to bring it to me at the beauty salon.
The elevator goes down to the beauty salon. I can come up without anyone's suspicions.
Hello!
I am sorry I'm like this... I am ahead of myself but...
Not for me, it's for you, so there are no distractions.
You're not the one who likes distractions.
Look, I helped you to break the ice yesterday. Today it's your turn.
Good.
Would you?
Done.
Looks familiar?
Yes, it's your maid's attire - Valeria's!
I am the maid.
I am Valeria.
Really? Who am I then?
You? You're my husband who sleeps with Valeria.
Is this what the President does for fun?
Oh, no. He's faithful. He has no such imagination.
The president misses a lot.
I see this plain slip made of hemp, these plain stockings for mourning...
...and no bra, am I correct?
No bra.
No, don't turn the light on, Maria Grazia.
Darling, you're not home and I am not your wife.
What did I call you?
You call me by your wife's name.
Could be worse if you do vice versa.
Hello? Would you connect me with 22-4-37 please?
Don't ever call a woman by her name. Just call them "Darling".
That way you will not find yourself in unpleasant circumstances... Hello, darling?
This is my husband...No, I am not ready yet. In half hour, I think...
OK? If you're late I'll wait for you.
Listen, I hope you're not going to be mad at me for what I've done today... Really? Thank you..
I had my hair cut shorter. Just a little. You'll see. Yes? OK, definitely. Bye, darling!
He ate it all up. Just shorter hair.
He is also going to pick you up?
Of course! He dropped me off here.
Well, then he'll find you for sure.
Will you choose a hairstyle for me?
No but I would have guessed what's going on if I were him.
Some small hotel away from the city...
What's so strange? The salon moved here...
...and I am a loyal client.
At least you're loyal to the beauty salon.
Husbands suspect only when wives are innocent.
But when you're not innocent then...
My husband doesn't suspect anything. I do what I want. We are both happy.
You think I am bad, don't you?
I am not your husband. That makes all three of us happy now.
Would you want to see me again?
Yes, of course... tomorrow?
Darling, I can't go to the hair salon every day. Maybe Wednesday?
Yes, Cristi...
I mean, yes, Darling.
Bravo!
What are you doing?... No...
Listen, I would cut hair more often, ah?
Cristiana's perfume... ...and French one on top of it...
Oh, no.
Let's see how soon it'll air out.
What's the obsession with leaving hickeys?
What's with hickeys? Why?
It looks like shaving irritation luckily.
It'll be a nice surprise. I've noticed your wife doesn't have a chinchilla stole yet.
That's right! And I have noticed your wife doesn't wear a hat!
Professional take on the matter, right?
The difference is your gift would be 10 000 Lire and mine will be...
It costs a million and I'm selling it for 800. Isn't it a good deal?
It's true. I'd rather give you 80 hats in exchange though.
Is there a restroom here?
Right there.
I would like to wash my hands. I was checking the engine...
Go ahead, it's here on the left.
Here you are.
Were you looking for me, Signore Mariotti?
Hey! Yes, I called you. Our TV broke.
OK, I will take a look tomorrow.
Tomorrow, tomorrow! My wife is waiting all day. We don't have a maid.
You're telling me you'll come tomorrow. You have to come now!
She's there waiting.
OK but don't be angry if it gets worse.
Go, slacker! And do the job right! Say what you want, I just can't live...
...with a broken TV. We have two. In the living room and in the bedroom.
The broken one is in the bedroom of course?
How do you know?
I don't. Taking a guess.
Would you like some Eau de Toilette?
No, no... The smell of soap alone is irritating me already.
As you wish.
Good evening, Signore Artusi!
Hi, Giovannino!
It's beautiful! Why? You're crazy.
Why am I crazy? We have to celebrate!
Celebrate what?
Well.. The Anniversary! What day it is?
June 12th.
When did we get married?
February 2nd.
2 years, 4 months and 10 days have passed since we got married.
The aluminum wedding? I don't know what you have in mind.
You should have put it away from me somewhere, no?
No, you're talking nonsense.
You want me to hide it? Interesting thought! I am giving you a present and you're reacting like this.
I just don't understand why today out of all days.
I don't know. Maybe because I feel like the happiest husband today.
Obviously! I have this beautiful, young... loyal wife.
Who told you I'm loyal to you?
Why are you torturing me? Is the dinner ready?
I think so.
Then tell the maid she can eat it all.
Why?
We'll go to a restaurant, then we'll go dancing.
We have to have some fun on a night like this. Wear your new stole and I will wear my blue suit.
You'll pay though. We have to celebrate.
We'll be together like a very loving couple the whole night..
Well, we are a very loving couple, aren't we?
OK, a loving couple. Hurry up!
In a minute, darling!
I have always liked you.
All I can say to this: Brace yourself.
I am trying. I've been always defeated by my competitors.
You never come here. You got married to your Andrea.
If one day I find out that you flirt with others...
What will you do?
My self-esteem will be completely destroyed.
Your self-esteem would be fine, you'd come to your senses.
-What about the bureau? -I hope I'm luckier with antiques.
The bureau is from the time of King Louis XIII.
It's a masterpiece. Perfect for the living room. You'll see it now.
Is it real?
Real as my feelings are.
Then I am in doubt.
No, seriously, it's authentic. If you only saw how it was when I found it.
We cleaned it up and restored it.
Look, it is absolutely unique. I wouldn't have shown it otherwise.
No, no, let me do it.
Look, there is a secret drawer.
In case you want to hide something from your husband like my love letters.
Luckily, I have not gotten any.
You mean the ones I have not written? Maybe my photo then?
Instead of carrying it with me it's in my heart.
You know you're very pretty?
Are there any other questions for a woman?
Well...
Eh, no.
No?
No
Dare to say, made with a sense of mysticism. Look, Father..
Look at it! Look at it! Such shimmer!
-Look at shades and shimmer. Such quality! - Yes, I see.
It's more expensive obviously.
It's a classic first produced in 1948.
In Rome alone we sell 5000 of them annually.
I understand, I wish the brim was wider. It would look more fun.
Please, Father! Sorry, it's not cotillion.
In any case, Let me show you how it looks on.
What did I tell you? I still think it looks too gloomy.
With all due respect, the face might have something to do with it.
You might be right. Did you get all the sizes?
Of course! Everything is here. So you ordered...
150 of size 55, right? 120 of size 58 and 60 of size 59
It seems you don't have many students. Please, come to the office, Father.
Do I have to pay upfront?
Not at all. I wish all our clients were as reliable as you.
Please come in. Sit down. Your Bank is a Paradise Bank.
Thank you.
To convince a person to buy a hat
you have to convince a person to wear a hat.
We need some good advertising.
Like it's done with beer, leather, potatoes..
Why don't you suggest it to the Federation?
I'll spend years talking and nobody wants to listen.
Maybe we should come up with some slogan...
"Don't be a fool - hats are cool"
No, not that. Well, some kind of a slogan to attract the masses to start with. What's happening?
The Father Angelini is waiting to finalize the order.
I am coming.
You want to start an advertising campaign? Right. What if it's no use?
New original ideas are needed.
Could you suggest any?
I did - In 1934...
Who put a fedora on the head of Duce's monument on the city square then?
It was you. You also got 2 years in prison for that.
Yes, while your father increased sales 30%
Hi Andrea!
Oh, hi!
Hello, you know what I bought today?
What?
The bureau at Gabriel's.
Who?
Gabriel sold it to me. Amazing! The bureau, I mean.
I certainly hope it's not that lanky Gabriel who is amazing.
I don't find him pleasant. All the compliments and constantly kissing your hands...
Don't worry, he is not a big fan of yours either.
What is this scent?
Soap. I washed my hands there.
Why?
I touched furniture. It was all dusty.
There are so many competent antique shops. Why did you go to him?
Gabriel isn't competent? Maybe so. Well, he did flirt with me today.
And you encouraged him?
Bravo! You're so perceptive.
What's with the whistle?
Aida. Act III. Triumphal March.
"Damn Duke is a real pig...
I keep writing for 3 months. Coming today or tomorrow..
Just let me see my child for the last time...
If he could live for 100 years, poor thing...
How precise that verse that says eyes that don't see, a heart doesn't feel...
He stole my daughter, her dowry..."
Was it your first time there?
Where?
At Gabriel's.
Yes, why?
No, just curious, that's all.
By the way, how did you find out about the bureau?
The president's wife told me.
Cristiana?
Where did you see her?
In the club. You were there too, remember?
Ah, yes, that's right...
Sorry, I am watching it.
You're still watching it after the 3rd episode?
If you hate it so much, let's switch the channel. They show a documentary on another one.
"We see these great Roman cathedrals in Viterbo. Like San Juan Bosco..."
If you knew how much I care about cathedrals in Viterbo.
Anything but Viterbo? How about Gosseto? No? Thanks!
Everything is fine. Valeria and the gardener left.
We are alone.
What's going on with you?
Why?
Excuse me, don't you realize? You call me telling me you want to see me immediately...
...and I go out of my way to arrange everything. Now you're here acting all gloomy.
You're here for half hour and you won't even look at me.
I don't understand. What happened?
No, nothing. I thought about your husband. It's strange...
...that he doesn't know anything. It seems impossible.
You're impossible. Even irritating. He doesn't suspect. That's all.
If it is one instance I could understand but all the time?
You can admit, I am not the first you're with.
Don't be vulgar. I'd like to know what exactly do you want? You don't like me?
Look, what I'm trying to say.. If my wife cheated on me with someone...
...I would know at once. at the very least I'd have suspicions.
Do you suspect something?
Yes... No! No-no-no-no. Absolutely out of question!
That should be the proof she's loyal, right?
Don't you think so?
Sorry, do you think a wife who cheats on her husband...
...can pretend she is in love with him?
There is no need to pretend. Me for instance, I love my husband very much.
You love him? Then... Why?
Well... Look...
...If you were my husband, possibly I would still like men like him.
OK, I agree everything could go on like that in the end..
What other excuses you find besides the hair salon?
Any other excuses? What did you tell your hubby today for example?
A tailor? A girlfriend? ...Or antique shop?
Why do you care about my husband? Maybe it's you you're worried about?
Me? Worried? No way.
I don't know, it seems you can't talk about anything else. I feel hurt.
You're here with me.
Do you have something more upbeat than this?
Why? Vivaldi's music is beautiful.
No, Turn it off. Let's talk.
No? She left 8 hours ago. Did she leave a note?
No.
All you know is how to say "No". No note? What do you mean "No"?
No!
You see??
Yes. No matter what I say he's not happy.
Forgive him, Lord Jesus and Virgin Mary... Saint Joseph, Saint Anna...
If Maria threw this away - she had it.
If she had it - she knows about it.
If she knows about it - she's been there.
No. Impossible.
However...
Maria Grazia is in the hotel Impero!
Just like Cristiana!
It's too much! I cheat on her, so I suspect her too.
So I found this hotel's little flyer... What does it prove? Nothing.
God, what am I doing?
Open up!
It's written separately from the rest.
No name.
32, 3, 58.
32... 32 - it's Mompiano region.
Who could it be?
3, 2, 3, 5, 8.
I'll be damned...Hello? Who is this?
Hellooo, who am I speaking to? Who is this?
No...
Why not??
32, 3, 5, 8.
Bye, Giovannino!
Good night!
If I knew the street I would know who lives there.
Give me the person's last name.
If I knew I would not be asking. You tell me!
Andrea Artusi, your wife is home!
Hi!
Why so late?
Let's see if the observing husband can guess.
I am sure you were at the hair salon.
Probably at the new hotel Impero?
Why? Alfredo cuts my hair. You know him.
Sorry, but then what is this?
It was dropped in our mail box yesterday.
by mail?
Yes, this one came for you too.
Such waste. We have a house. Two actually. Why would we go to the hotel?
Still guessing? I have a surprise for you.
Really? The last time you had a surprise for me it was two silver fish for 400 000 Lire
I didn't spend anything this time. Read this!
No!
We can build any fence we want! We have the permit!
Impossible!
No limits!
How? You're joking, they sat on it for 1,5 years!
Did you hear that greedy Deputy? We were almost relatives, went to school together...
...and he kept saying "No, it's against the law!" but you come along and...
You should have known beautiful women get anything they want.
...and you should know that husbands of beautiful women hate...
...when they're made to be fools.
What? I thought you'd be happy!
No! I am not happy.
You're strange. Are you ill? Do you have fever?
No, I am completely healthy. Everything is fine. Never better!
Alright.. Everything is bad, very bad.
I can't...
I can't....
You can't what?
And you?
Be clear. I asked you a question. Give me a clear answer.
Explain what "you can't".
Carry barrels.
What? I didn't understand.
Carry barrels.
Carry barrels? What barrels?
Tell your husband what barrels.
Who do you have to carry them to?
Have you met some winemaker?
Darling, tell me what you meant.
Unload barrel might mean to have a confession?
She keeps quiet when sleeps on the left side.
Is it possible women only talk in their sleep when they are on the right side?
My, my, my!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, darling!
Wait a minute!
"my, my, my" - is it about me? or "my, my, my" is for the winemaker? Ah?
48!
Did you see? Today she drove 48 kilometers. In the car.
She said she visited a rug salesman.
Let's say he is 3 kilometers away. 3+3 is 6. OK, let's say she went there twice. It's 12.
What about the rest - 36 kilometers. What happened there? Go ahead.
These need to be signed.
Good, thank you.
Where did she go?
Andrea, don't try to talk me into it. I told you a thousand times...
...I will not follow your wife. Understood? First, it's disgusting.
Second, it's absurd! You're mad!
I can't do what you do! Understood?
Ok! Fine! Forget it!
However a husband deserves to know where his wife goes!
This is the only favor I have asked you for in 38 years.
-Oh, really? The first one? -Yes
You mean 38 years of favors! The first one was when you were still little...
...in your cropped little pants. You stole 5 Lire from a cash register.
I caught you and you begged me not to tell your father.
Thief!
OK, stop! Enough! We're done! Thanks!
By the way tomorrow we are auditing the cash register.
What?
I said we are auditing the cash register tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Yes.
Why tomorrow? It's Sunday.
Yea, so what?
I have a bocce tournament tomorrow.
Why should I give a damn about bocce? Nobody does favors for anyone around here.
This is blackmail.
You think it's easy for me to ask you, Bellisario? You think it's pleasant? Try to understand me...
Wait, stop... stop here, take this.
- Excuse me, do you know where... - I don't know!
- What a rush..
- Hey Signore, please stop. - Hello. Hello.
- You violated the street regulation. - Really? Sorry, I am in a rush.
- And I am not? - OK, how much?
1000 Lire and go on being in a rush.
She is at the book store for more than half hour. She is still not out of there.
No, no, I see everything from here. I am watching closely.
Yes, She just shopped. She didn't meet anyone.
Understand? What should I do now?
If she doesn't come out I'll spend all night here?
The shop will close up at some point, no?
Yes, the rest is under control?
She really has not seen anyone? Are you sure?
Andrea, I am home.
She's back home, idiot!
Maria Grazia, did you buy a book?
Sorry?
You got some books?
No, I was at the supermarket. You know who I met? Peppino, the lawyer's son.
Remember him? Then I saw Katerina's son.
Our former maid's.
Yes, he has matured so much. I hardly recognized him. What are you doing with these?
I thought it's a book.
He even invited me for some ice cream.
Just that you had a day full of meetings.
That's not all. You know who else I have seen a few times?
Who?
Bellisario. Sorry to tell you but he is a goof.
He spent at least 20 minutes at the newsstand.
Twice he almost got hit by a car. Then he got a fine...
..because he crossed on a red light. I followed him for half hour and he didn't even notice.
Do you think it's funny? I will fire him. Tomorrow!
Old workers do not deliver. They should all retire!
It's a good thing I followed her.
...trimmed with Valencienne lace, roses and ribbons.
Cotton dress "Baby Doll Monastery" trimmed with beautiful lace.
These two white nostalgia-inspired tops with bright insets are Jolly and Lorelei.
Jolly is made of sapphire nylon...
...and sleeves trimmed with Calle lace.
Andrea, what is going on?
Huh?
What are you doing here?
I was passing by here. Hello, Signora.
You are the only man here.
No, there are two more there. I thought maybe I'd get some table cloth...
Have you made your pick already?
No.
This is not bad.
Here is a nylon aqua dress with deep d�collet�...
and elaborate lace trimming.
It would have been great...
What would?
If you snooped after me at the hotel for real.
Yes, I am one of those who does that.
When you love someone it's alright to be jealous.
Why? Is there a reason for that?
Absolutely not...
...but you know I am less jealous than you are.
- There are no reasons. - I don't know.
You haven't been to the factory in the last few days. Once I leave you leave right after.
When I call Bellisario says you're out and he doesn't know where you went.
I can't tell him about everything.
Of course but I am not Bellisario.
I have so many things to take care of. I leave the factory because...
I don't want to know anything.
I trust you completely, Andrea. Do you trust Maria Grazia?
Yes, yes.
No, I do not trust you.
We're out of ice, thank God!
How am I going to serve whiskey? Straight?
If they don't like it let them drink lemonade.
Like I care... These are your guests.
I'll ask Doctor Mario if drinking whiskey is a sin.
Scotch, please.
Take a sip from my glass and you'll know what my thoughts are.
- I know anyway. - Really? How do you like them?
Hardly original. Maybe men aren't capable of thinking anything else.
Let's sit down.
- So many people here. - The hatter built quite a castle for himself.
My money didn't have anything to do with this. The last hat I had was a bonnet.
I have Neapolitan chairs from the Eighteenth century for the garden.
How about a springboard from the Seventeenth century for the pool?
First, I wanted fake Roman ruins there, then I put crawling plants in...
...to break the facade's rhythm.
Have a drink to forget.
Congratulations, everything is put together with immaculate taste.
That's Maria Grazia's touch obviously.
What does he know about Maria Grazia's touch?
Good evening! How are you?
Good, thank you.
She could have covered her legs more, no?
I'd be really calm with a wife like this one.
Good evening.
Hello.
Good evening.
What does this one want?
Should I bring you binoculars?
Even Mariotti noticed! They seem to like the view too.
Maria Grazia is such a real woman. Tonight she looks especially beautiful!
She's beautiful and modest. You should...
Yes, I know, take her as my role model.
We were just talking about your wife.
She has so many good qualities that I advised Wanda to take her as a role model.
Have you taken a good look?
Pardon me?
Have you taken a good look around the house? Do you like it?
The garden, the pool... I see you like women a lot too.
Say, have you been to Paris?
No.
No? Go there. You'll appreciate it. We go crazy at times...
...to catch a glimpse of a leg here but in Paris...
...women walk completely naked at all times. Go to Paris. Go.
I think it's such an obvious step after infidelity...
-Good evening. -Good evening.
Having fun?
Gabriel just told us the funniest joke.
I think I heard it from Andrea.
I don't think so. I don't tell jokes.
This friend tells another one: "You know, I saw your wife yesterday...
We were laughing so hard that we fell of the bed in the end".
I don't find it funny.
I do.
Sorry, are you married?
No.
You see, such a joke is only funny to bachelors.
Signora, you did not forget?
No, of course not.
Signora Artusi promised to show us the second floor.
Who else is coming up? Signore Calise? Deputy?
- Excuse me... -There is hardly any furniture there. There is only the bed in our bedroom.
That's the most important thing!
- Please come up. - Thank you.
It would make the stairs look very nice and it doesn't cost so much.
Very affordable. Are you not listening?
Excuse me?
I was telling you about animal printed carpets.
Ah, yes. You see, I am not a big fan of carpets.
They gather dust, you can trip over them. My cousin broke her leg like that.
What's going on? It's like partying with the dead. Is it a house warming or home eviction?
Andrea, Maria Grazia got married to you because you are always fun to be with!
You've become the same way! You've made a mistake.
Lili, don't mess with the piano.
Let's play a game or something.
How about Truth or Dare?
No, that one never ends well...
Let's play "A Mailman".
How about "Lemon"?
"Lemon"?
One lemon and half a lemon, two lemon and half a lemon. It's so entertaining!
Is it a new game?
So we'll make a better juice.
If you want a game I can suggest one. Where is it? Ah, here it is.
I brought this the Assembly almost forgot about it.
What's that?
A ticket with a fine. Here is a question for Andrea.
What were you doing on March 24th at 9 o'clock in the evening...
...parked at via Murro del Castello?
A married man on that street?...
Maria Grazia, you have to ask for an explanation.
OK, we are playing a court trial. What were you doing there?
I was not there. I have never been there.
The defendant is denying. It's the right thing to do.
I will be Andrea's defense lawyer.
This is not my car!
This is your registration number and in your name.
Yes but this is Model 600, Maria Grazia drives it too.
This is yours!
The car is mine but the fine isn't. I am even scared to walk around in daytime imagine what I feel at night.
No, don't deny it, you got this ticket!
Ah, my defendant is not guilty!
Tell us everything, Maria Grazia.
Tell us what you were doing there. This is just a game, no?
I am curious to know too.
Andrea, are you joking? You know, it's impossible I was there at night.
Look at Andrea! He is magnificent as a prosecutor!
Wait a minute! Who is her lawyer?
If I could defend the husband I can defend the wife as well.
Then I will be the secretary.
Signore can be the jurors.
Very well.
Signore Secretary, please read.
March 24th, 1964, via Murro del Castello, Signora Artusi...
Enough! Enough with this spectacle! What is this stupid game?
We will consider it a mistake. I declare this fine void.
Why? I always pay the fines.
Andrea, what's with you?
Be quiet!
This is just a game.
It's a dumb game! I don't like it! Understand?
Maybe I am a bad player but I don't want to play. Please stop it all!
Let's change the game. Let's play "Lemon". One lemon, two lemons...
I am sorry, Would you like a drink? Mine is finished.
No, it's late. Thank you. Good night!
Sorry..
I think it's best if we all leave and let you be alone...
-Are you leaving already? -Yes, thank you, it's time to go.
...As they say, silly jokes between husbands and wives...
Oh, no, I am not bothered by it... Not over such a silly thing.
I just act on my own from time to time.
Frankly, sometimes people have little misunderstandings.
Everyone has that sometimes. Don't you think?
Don't you find your husband has a face of a cheat sometimes?
Good night.
What's going on? Why everyone's leaving? We just started having fun.
Quiet, quiet, I will explain everything later...
I said we should have played "Lemon". Nobody ever listens.
- Good night. - Good night.
"Take Maria Grazia as a role model, Take her as a role model..." Quite a role model!
Anyone is a role model next to you. Let's go.
Maria Grazia is stupid. She should have said she got a flat tire...
...instead of denying everything.
- Bye. - Bye, beautiful.
Who could imagine he would explode like this.
Don't speak of the noose in the hanged man's house...
Do you really think Maria Grazia is...?
I don't think anything. However if signora is...
...in her car on that street late at night, then...
Of course. Did you see how pale she got? He made such a huge scene.
He is quite sure it's not the first time!
All talk! I would not believe even if I saw her there.
I think you cannot trust anyone.
In our time only our mothers are virtuous.
Don't think that, sluts have kids too.
Did you say something?
Nothing.
Obviously you have nothing to say.
Me? No.
Well, I do! I have so so so much to tell you!
In this case I will say something too!
I had no idea I married an irresponsible mad man!
So I am an irresponsible mad man? It's such a convenient excuse!
So why could not you defend yourself then?
Defend what?
You know!
They were kidding and you lost your mind!
When we lived in the other house I always left my car in the factory's garage.
- Oh, yes? - No later than 8pm.
So what was that phantom car that got a fine?
Don't think I am one of those monastery cooks who's happy when a woman touches him even lightly.
The monks would have heard of me!
I don't know what you're saying.
Well, I do! You do too!
I am not rejecting any ideas out of principle!
I don't believe this! Something must have happened to you!
If something happened to me whose fault is this?
WHOSE?
Don't scream!
Whose?
There is only one person here who has the right to scream! It's me! Get it?
Stop walking back and forth!
I'll scream if I want to... You're denying everything, even the obvious.
It's all my fault. I am giving you too much freedom.
They do the right thing in the East, locking their wives with Eunuchs
OK, if you need scissors they are in the bureau!
I'll go to open the gates.
No, I'll take that one. She doesn't know how to drive Alpha, too bad for her.
Damn, it's locked up.
Tell me, do you have a fianc�?
Not yet, Signore.
Do you like girls?
Well, yes of course...
Do you like maids or real signore too?
No, real signore are not for me.
Well, there are some that would go for it.
Well, in that case a man is a man, no?
Bravo! I like you. You're a smart guy.
Thank you, Signore.
I'll fire him tomorrow.
Fine, don't worry Signora.
Hi, Mariotti
Hello.
Are you still angry about last night?
Don't even mention it, it's alright.
I thought about your advice, I would like to buy a carpet.
It's not just me, you change your mind too.
No, I just want to buy a gift for my wife.
I had a nervous breakdown and now I have to make peace.
I get you... Look at this wonderful thing! This will make a great carpet.
-It's very beautiful. Amazing. -Indeed.
I still don't want any misunderstanding...
...regarding last night...
You know people... They'll start to gossip.
Did you hear what others said when you were leaving?
I was with my wife behind the crowd. Not exactly together with others.
Ok but you must have heard something? It's not that I am particularly interested but...
You should not worry. When you have a beautiful wife and a beautiful house...
...and the business goes well you can come to terms with some silly gossip.
If you knew what people say about me.
When there is a reason it's understandable.
No. I am not saying there is a reason in our family...
I mean, I would do anything for my wife. I would walk into fire for her. Seriously.
However, you can never be 100% certain. Right?
You always have a little doubt.
Yes, of course but still...
But still?
In some instances certainty is better than doubts.
How can one be certain of his wife's fidelity?
Yes, it's hard but one can be certain of her infidelity.
Really?
Yes. The certainty is better. In my case at least, you understand?
During the war I was working at a recruitment point. I was faced with a duty...
...to bring bad news to the families.
Those relatives of the killed ones would come to terms with the deaths eventually.
Those who had missing people, had hopes and doubts.
Some still hope even after 20 years.
I think I understand...
You're right. However, there is no point in all this. I don't suspect my wife.
It's wiser, isn't it?
OK, so what about the carpet?
Think it over. What if somebody trips over it... Like your cousin.
Hello.
Look at this chick!
Hey girlie! Come here, let's have some hug and dance!
Signore Andrea, the rolls were finished. I brought two croissants.
Give those to your father! Get out! Out! I don't want anything!
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
I am sure it's him. He's checking if I'm home. But why?
I gave him no reason for that.
It must be awful to deal with husband's jealousy without the satisfaction of actual cheating!
I hate such talk! I would not find any satisfaction in that.
Did you even try?
No.
Too bad. You should try.
It's unfair. I can't lie.
You can't because you didn't have to.
People who can't swim, are thrown into water. They learn to swim at once.
Well, I would drown.
I used to say the same thing but now I can swim over the English Channel easily.
Signore Andrea, what time should I serve dinner?
Whenever, I don't care.
I don't care either.
What should I serve?
Why would I know, ask Signora.
I am not hungry, ask Signore.
I can go and eat at a restaurant.
Signora is not replying but it looks she's thinking...
...you can go choke yourself anywhere you like!
DAMN!!!
Where the hell is it? It was just there.
Signore Andrea, what are you doing? They're not cooked yet. I just started.
They're just right, ready to serve.
Wait, I will bring the soup plate. Did you add salt?
No need, I'll take care of it.
Signore Andrea, where are you going?
It's early - only 7 o'clock.
I am sorry, darling. Very sorry but I have to go.
Please promise we'll see each other again. My husband is hardly ever home.
I feel so lonely.
Yes, you're going through some tough times. We'll see each other more often. I promise.
Please meet my husband.
Pleasure to meet you, Signore Artusi.
Same here, Fath...
Signora, someone's on the phone for you!
Who?
I don't know, I didn't catch the name...
Here you are.
Hello! How are you? Me? I am alright. And you?
Damn!
Trust me, it's not as easy as it looks. It's something between surfing and Tamure Dance.
I will teach you when I see you.
Wouldn't be better we do it after you finish mourning?
But it's all still....
Darn thing!
I am trying to explain to you, you know? The mathematical precision of it all...
...you can try and calculate all you want but it's useless.
Why?
What do you mean why? Are you stupid? Think of it...
Imagine, I accept your moronic offer.
I come to your home and start courting Maria Grazia...
Option 1: Maria Grazia rejects me. What do you find out?
Nothing! She rejects me and...
...goes to bed with any postman that brings a telegram.
OK. What happens is she goes for you? If she goes to bed with you?
Do you really think I will tell you about it?
In that case I will keep my mouth shut.
Bravo! What a great friend! Could you really do this to me?
You are the one offering this to me!
How is your family?
Good, thank you!
And your wife?
On vacation in mountains.
Alone?
Yes, alone. I trust my wife.
I'll do it.
Have a good trip, Signore Andrea!
Stop. Stop here.
Did you forget something?
No, we've arrived. Here, take it.
Thank you. Thank you.
Then he says to me "You don't like to dance? Would you want to take a walk?"
And you, silly, go right with him?..
What do you think I should have said?
He was after me for 2 months. What's there?
Imagine, I even prayed Virgin Mary because he was going to take a plane.
Signora, are you leaving?
Yes, leaving.
When you will be back?
Don't know. Go to bed and don't wait up. I am going to be out all night.
Again! Damn it!
Don't lose that car out of sight.
Where to?
Via Murro del Castello.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Andrea, Andrea! Enough. Let's stop this. I can't take it anymore.
Where are you going?
Don't know.
You knew when you left!
No, I saw you coming back. I knew your trip was just a trick and...
...I decided to teach you a lesson. I was sure you'd follow me.
Too simple! You're trying to get out of being exposed.
Do you see what we are doing? Let's help each other.
Very good! Let's help each other then. Do you think I don't want it all to be different?
It's up to you! I am ready to forgive you and forget everything!
Let's start from scratch but you have to tell me the truth!
You have to confess! Understand!
Andrea, I'm not better than anybody else but one thing I know for sure is...
...if one day I fall in love with someone you'll be the first to know.
I'd find courage to tell you.
Do you really think that a woman can betray her husband and return home as nothing has happened?
Yes, yes, yes! This is what I think! I can assure you if I start to shout now
"Beware! Your husband is coming!" half of these cars would take off!
Not me! I'd wait for you and tell you the truth.
So tell me then! Talk!
Fine! Maybe I am sick! But if I am sick, if I am mad...
...why aren't you trying to cure me? Why?
Slow down, Andrea!
I am in doubt and it drives me crazy!
To have certainty I need the truth!
Slow down!
Even non-believers know confession and forgiveness help to ease your guilt.
You're a believer. I am sure you confessed your sins...
...to Doctor Marion who doesn't even care!
Don't drive like this, I am afraid!
Then tell me, tell me, I want to know! Who did you sleep with?
We'll crash!
So we will! It's better to end our lives together like this! I want the truth!
What truth?
Truth!
Careful! The wall!
Be brave and tell me! Who with?
Nobody!
Come on!
Tell me the truth! Tell me! Tell me you're cheating on me!
Tell me!
Yes, yes, I am cheating on you...
Who with?
Carriage!
Hell with it!
I want to know who with!
With Gabriel.
I am begging you, stop the car!
So, is this the truth?
What?
You slept with Gabriel.
Yes, this is the truth. Everything is the truth.
You see? That's it. Now we can even talk about it, try to understand each other.
Funny, I feel as I got the load off my shoulders.
When a blind man is given his sight back he is happy to see, no matter what.
People come to terms with anything, even death.
They still wait for their missing ones.
Truth is the answer to anything.
I'm not saying I'm pleased but I don't suffer anymore.
What's done is done. No need to think about it.
Now I know everything and things are simpler.
I am calm. My heart beat is fine.
But with Gabriel! With him! No! Anybody else I'd be fine with!
Only not with him! No!
Do you understand? It's too much! How do you like that?
She's with the lover Gabriel! Should I bless you both?
Should I tuck you both in at night and sing you lullaby?
No, darling! Maybe the church can forgive you but I will not!
Because I will kill you!
Enough! It's all a lie!
I will kill you both! That scoundrel and you! Come back! Maria Grazia!
Fine, go, run, get the hell out!
No, no, no!
No! No!
Maria Grazia! Maria Grazia!
- Signore Andrea! What happened? - Shut up! Leave me alone!
Get away! Leave me alone!
Where are you going? Italia, Italia!
Maria Grazia!
I told him to calm him down.
But dear girl, you told your husband that you have a lover...
...invent such a lie and then you're surprised he can't keep himself calm?
I had to do something to prevent the worst. He was acting mad.
Understandable but the opposite has happened. You agree, Palmira?
I do not understand any of this filth.
He said he'd calm down because the way he was driving he'd surely have killed me.
Darling, don't cry! You'll spend the night here. We'll see tomorrow.
Poor creature! I know whose fault it is! It's you, Pancaldi!
I know you're hiding inside! Get out, you damned fascist!
Palmira!
Would you make a cup of coffee for Signora Artusi?
Yes, of course... Maybe you'd prefer Chamomile tea?
Yes, that's better. She needs to calm herself down. Something soothing...No coffee...
Don't worry. It's nothing.
Once we change the subject she calms down.
I'm sorry, Andrea never told me.
He doesn't know. He rarely sees her.
Usually she acts fine.
How long has she been like this?
She had pregnancy problems in her past. So after the 4th miscarriage...
That Pancaldi she mentioned was a professor at the hospital.
What could he do, poor man... Since then no matter what happens he's to blame.
She threatens, swears, spits...
You should have heard her when the Pope died.
I had to sell the TV because she'd started arguing with news anchors.
I'm sorry, if I only knew...
Don't worry, don't worry, You did the right thing you came.
I'm with you. I think highly of Andrea but I don't understand him.
Maybe because people like myself...
...think of jealousy as luxury for those who have health and money.
Who could it be?
Hello?
Is it you, Annina?
No, no!
No, why are you calling here?
When? OK, we're coming...
Done. Let him rest. I'll make another injection in 2 hours.
Is there a possibility of complications, doctor?
It seems he has enough of them already.
The fracture is nothing. He's too hyper, now that worries me.
Look at you, you are too.
If I were 20 years older I'd have grounded both of you for your behavior.
This rocking chair is so comfy. It works like a tranquilizer.
Want a drink?
No, thank you.
I don't know how to entertain you. A magazine, a paper?
No, thank you...
What should I do? What's my fault?
Don't cry, come on, Signora...
I understand Andrea.
If I had such a wife I'd be jealous too.
Any crises comes to an end as time passes. This one will be over too in a few days.
It ended already. You can't love someone you don't respect...
...and you can't respect someone you don't know. Andrea is not the man I married.
It turns out I don't know Andrea. What worse is I don't want to know him
You know how far he's gone?
He asked his friend to seduce me to test me.
Why am I telling you all this?
You have to share with someone to feel better.
Maybe you're right but this is the first time when I...
No, nothing.. I am sorry...
You just offered me a drink...
...and you didn't want it...
Now I do.
What should I offer you? There is nothing left to drink after all
Gabriel, is it you?
I've been trying to reach you for a week. Where were you?
I just got back from London. What happened there?
I've heard about the accident. Are you a widow by chance?
Don't joke! Everything is very serious!
I've screwed up! I got myself into a trouble!
I have never been in so much fear for my life. He was not himself.
We almost hit the wall... and I told him... understand?
No, I don't understand. What did you tell him?
I told him your name. Yes, first name that came to mind.
Yes, I lied to him. I told him I cheated on him with you.
With me?
You cheated on him with me? Wait a minute, how so?
OK, so he's mad. Why do I have to be involved in this?
Thank you for this gift but could you have given it someone else?
I know, you're right but what was I to do?
No, YOU tell me what am I to do?
We never had anything. I never even touched you.
If we had something I'd understand... No, actually I couldn't...
What if he shoots me?
So it's not true! It's true it's not true. I am a moron.
Gabriel, don't make it more complicated.
Maybe so, maybe you're right..
but you don't know...
Hi.
But what do you want me to tell him?
I will go see him.
Do you think I have not tried it all?
We don't even talk anymore.
Come in.
Hi, how are you today?
Hello. Good, good, better.
What's with your face? You seem flushed.
Your hands are trembling.
You have a fast pulse rate.
Were you in my place...
What are you trying to tell me?
Nothing. Everything is fine. I am content.
What is...
Old Olivetti 44. Broken. It has to be fixed.
Imagine what I've done.
I made her admit something she wasn't guilty of...
You know how? What does the police do when they catch a petty thief?
I just want to know what you're waiting for to ask her to forgive you.
Why, you think it's so easy? What am I going to say?
"When I was eavesdropping I realized I made a mistake".
I don't want to be a joke.
You have been so many times...
You can tell her about the fine. The car was taken by your former watchman...
...to see his fianc�.
No, we won't gain any trust starting like this We have not talked in 20 days.
I can't start talking suddenly.
We have to do it gradually... A word first...
You'll get the full communication by Christmas.
You realized your mistake, have courage to ask for forgiveness.
Come here, call her!
What will I tell her?
The first thing that comes to your mind. Call!
Nothing comes. Leave it.
-It will come. -Put the phone down! -I'll call her myself.
What will you tell her?
I'll tell her you were listening to her conversation with Gabriel.
You're out of your mind! I will fire you! Put it down.
Too late! Talk! Talk!
Maria Grazia? Yes, it's me. You didn't recognize my voice? Right...
Since that morning you left without saying bye... I'm different.
I was thinking...
I felt like a joke...
A joke and a moron!
Maria Grazia, we have not talked for so long, I have so much to tell you...
OK, talk. You start with the same old story. Yes, I cheated on you.
This is Andrea.
I'll never ask you again.
Oh, really? Is it the truth?
I feel like my fever is gone.
Yes, I finally realized it was a real disease.
Now it's gone.
There is always a risk it will come back.
No, it's like one children have. Like Scarlet fever.
If you have it once, you're immune to it forever. I have had it.
This is not mine. Whose is it?
Doctor must have forgotten it. Yes, those are his cigarettes too.
Imagine, what would have happened two days ago.. You see how I've matured?
What if you're mistaken again?
No, no, no...
What if I've cheated on you?
This won't happen again.
I've learned my lesson. Trust is most important thing in marriage.
You know who told me about you? Giorgio.
Everything he says is a lie.
Really? He told me he had nothing to do with you.
Then it's possibly the truth.
How were the mountains?
I was alone at all times.
Listen, I am going to the beauty salon tomorrow, OK?
OK.
When will I see you?
Sunday. Can't before that.
I'll come to your place. We can spend the whole day together.
Of course! I assure you hunting is a great hobby.
He just started, I've been hunting for years.
Yes, first, I didn't believe it but now I am very happy.
I feel reborn ever since I started it. It's Spectacular!
Spectacular?
He's not convinced?
Not yet.
Come with us hunting on Sunday and you'll see.
Come out at dusk with a riffle over the shoulder.
You'll have a great time for body and soul! Did I say it right, Mariotti?
This sums it up!
subtitles by zagon777 (Vander) for Karagarga.net (11.15.2010)