So four months later, she's pregnant again,
you know, so we're going back down to the clinic, she's crying,
"Do you love me?" and all that type of stuff, I told her I did but...
You think that means I'm going to hell?
Nah.
You know I dated a guy once.
- Could I hear all about it? - I mean, there's not a lot to tell,
it's like one of the easiest weeks of my life other than the sex.
That was brutal. You know, it's not the dick,
it's the whiskers, man, just creeps you out.
Yeah, we just agreed on everything.
"Want to get some beers?" "Yeah."
"Want to watch the game?" "Absolutely."
We have beers and we watch the game.
I hear a lot of myself in this story.
There's none of you in the story, man, it was a one-time thing.
Yeah.
My friend told me I can't shit in his house anymore.
- Oh, isn't that the worst? - You believe that?
Yeah, they get all mad 'cause you blew out their bathroom.
It's a place to shit.
It's the... That's what the room is built for.
You're supposed to go in there and take a shit
and then when you do it, they act like they're surprised.
Like you took a dump on their table or something.
Yeah. I did take a dump on his table.
Hey, man, you see that deer up there?
Yeah, I see it.
I don't think you do.
Okay, I admit it. I didn't see the deer.
I see him now.
Hey, check the back.
Your back's fine.
I'm gonna check the front.
He's not gonna make it.
They carry disease.
All right, here we go. Up and over.
- Gotta shit. - Dammit.
Just a second.
Whoa.
Sorry. The ladies' room was occupied.
Would you mind moving?
Well, why don't you...
I don't mind doing anything you ask me to do.
What took you so long?
Um, they were out of toilet paper. Had to use my hands.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit.
And on the slitted sheet I sit.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit and on this shitted...
- Dammit. - You suck.
I know.
Hey, biatch, what did I say?
Right. No texting.
Sorry.
You know, that's totally rude, Jenn.
No textin' and no boys for the entire weekend.
Wow. That sounds so awesome.
Shut up, Zoe.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
I don't want you guys to have a lame weekend just 'cause of me.
Well, great, let's re-invite the guys. Isn't that right, Gosling?
He says, "Yes, that's right."
That's not real supportive, Zoe. I mean, if Buck cheated on you,
I wouldn't be making a joke about it every five minutes.
First of all, like, Buck would never cheat on me.
And second, I'm only kidding, Jenn, so relax.
This weekend is about Y-O-U.
Yeah, we know that's asking you to give up a lot.
Nah, only about six inches.
That is so gross.
Yeah. Next subject, please.
Mary, does your cousin's shack have electricity?
Why? Do you need a place to plug in your vibrator?
How dare you?
Turn that music off, Mary.
You seriously like this?
You seriously don't?
Don't listen.
I can't believe I'm friends with people who have no taste in music.
Here we are.
This is so beautiful.
Do your cousins, like, throw their trash in the middle of the lake?
Why would you even ask that?
'Cause, there's a big piece of wood
just floating in the middle of it.
That's a raft, you idiot.
It's anchored there so people can use it.
Come on, let's go. We're almost there.
The suspense is killin' me.
Are we stoppin' here for more gas?
My legs!
My butt hurts.
Yeah, thanks to your boyfriend.
Very funny.
That's disgusting.
I'm first.
I seriously need a drink.
Okay.
Go kill some squirrels, buddy.
Kill 'em good.
What do you think?
Are we really gonna swim in that bog?
First off, it's a lake.
And yes, we're really gonna swim in it.
I haven't swam in a lake in my whole life.
- Have you swam in a pool? - Yeah.
Well, I think you're gonna find out it's really not all that different.
Of course it's different. This is nature.
She's right.
You're gonna wind up with a lot more bugs in your mouth.
Oh, you guys, that neighbor lady is comin' over
- so be nice. - Oh, my God...
Mary, is that you?
Mrs. Gregorson.
It's so nice to see you.
Oh, my goodness, you have blossomed.
Not really.
Her tits are still small.
Thanks, Zoe.
Myrna, these are my sorority sisters, this is Jenn and Zoe.
Oh, right, well, it's a pleasure.
- Hello. - 'Sup, biatch?
Are you looking after the house while your cousins are away?
Oh, no. We're just up here for the weekend.
Oh, right. Unwinding in between all the exams.
Well, we were supposed to have torrid, getaway sex
but Jenn's guy cheated on her, so...
Oh, I see.
She is kiddin', Mrs. Gregorson.
I am kidding. None of us have had sex.
Ever.
Yeah.
Oh, it's okay, Mary.
My daughter is a total fuckin' bitch too.
A real whore.
Sometimes she brings people home,
I don't even know what sex they are.
And I'm not saying anything negative about them,
I'm a very, very liberal woman,
but my daughter is a real piece of work and not that attractive.
Well, if you girls need anything, you know where to find us.
Winston and I would love to have you over for breakfast.
Yeah, that, that sounds nice.
Maybe we'll take you up on that.
No pressure, of course.
Okay.
Here we are.
Home sweet home.
Whoo!
It smells in here.
What's that smell in here?
It smells like wood.
Where's the bathroom?
Straight down the hall.
Where's the other bathroom?
There's only one bathroom.
I'm just gonna go right here.
You seriously can't wait two minutes for Jenn?
Shh. It's coming out.
Come on.
What?
One bathroom. Fun, right?
Be my guest.
Let me guess. No service.
- What? - Oh, Jenn, you are a horrible liar.
Okay. I texted him back.
Why are girls so attracted to such assholes?
You're not. Tommy's great.
You are not supposed to be talking to Sam.
That is the whole purpose of this entire trip.
Well, it's not like I have much of a choice now, is it?
Exactly.
How am I gonna check my messages?
I have not gone more than 24 hours without Instagram
since, like, there was no Instagram.
And I'm copin'.
If Zoe can do it, you can do it.
There's no fuckin' service.
You knew about this, didn't you?
You said no boys, not no phones.
I did say no phones.
But you didn't say it would be physically impossible
to use it behind your back.
What is the big deal, you guys?
People went thousands of years without cell phones,
you can go two days.
Speak for yourself.
What if there's, like, an emergency or somethin'?
There's, like, a land line.
A what?
You guys, you're not gonna miss your phones. I promise you.
Now can we just get changed?
I don't wanna get changed.
I wanna send a text!
No, no, Gosling, stay here.
Sunglasses, check. Towels, check.
Sunscreen, check.
Whoo! All right, let's get naked.
What are you doing?
Someone could see you.
Who? Mrs. Gregorson?
I see, like, two houses here.
If I'm getting anything out of being stuck in the middle of nowhere,
it's a tan without lines.
Come on in, bitches.
Well, I guess we can be grateful she left the bottoms on.
I bet Mrs. Gregorson swims topless.
It's so nice out.
Okay, do mine now.
Oh, I'm so comfortable.
Can't Mary do it?
You used me.
Stop.
I'll do it.
This is nice.
What is that?
Looks like a beaver dam.
I want to see a beaver. They're so adorable.
Yeah, well don't get your hopes up.
I'm pretty sure they're nocturnal.
Where'd you learn that? Wikipedia?
I learned it from livin' in Indiana,
which means that you should know it too.
Well, all I know is they're fat rats with big, stupid-ass teeth.
Nice.
Where are you goin'?
Come on, let's go take a look.
Whoo!
Make it rain, bitches!
Whoo!
Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.
Gross.
Try banging on it, that should wake 'em up.
At least cover up, at least while we're walkin' around.
My top is on the other side.
You wanna lend me yours?
Cut it out.
Ew. Is that like, green beaver urine?
Guess.
Kinda looks like it.
Maybe that's like how they mark their territory or somethin'.
By pissin' all over their house?
They don't live in the dam, you idiot.
They live in the lodge.
Over there.
Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.
Yeah, nice try. That one's covered in piss too.
Fine. You win.
Beavers piss all over everything.
Are you happy?
I don't see any beavers.
- Oh, my God! - What?
- I'm scared. - It's gonna be okay.
We're just gonna back up real slowly.
Thank you so much.
Well, look at you three little heifers.
I think you just might have saved our lives.
That's doubtful.
Bears don't usually attack more than one or two folks at a time.
You'd be three.
Of course, if you'd have taken a step in his direction
he might have hightailed it.
Well, better safe than sorry then.
Yeah.
You girls from out of town?
My name is Mary. Mary Daughtry.
We're stayin' over there at my cousin's place.
- McKellers? - Yeah. You know 'em?
No.
My name's Smyth, with a Y.
Just in case you girls need to write me a check one day.
What brings you across the lake?
We were looking for beavers.
Well, hell, ain't we all?
Well, if you see one, you ought to stay away from it.
They will mess with you.
You look real close, they'll come out,
peak out just a little bitty knob out there,
little pink knob, like a little ol' puppy's dick.
Well, I guess we'll be more careful then.
You know...
You might want to cover up.
We got decent folk out in this neighborhood.
Families. You know, kids.
Yeah, we know.
It's just that she lost her bikini top in the lake.
Talking about all three of you.
Your little bare stomachs, weird-ass little tattoos.
Okay, he's a creeper.
Yeah. There's probably some helpless furry little animal
just waiting to get shot.
Well, I've had enough excitement for one day.
At least you got to see a man, right?
I don't like them there tattoos and shit.
Shut up, he could hear you.
I don't care.
All right, I got popcorn.
Sing a song...
Is it popcorn or is it popped-corn?
I don't know. Jenn, go long!
Zoe, you're wasting it all.
Okay, whose turn is it?
All right, Jenn. Would you rather? Go.
Okay. Would you rather
never be able to use a tampon
or never be able to use lipstick?
That is so lame, Jenn.
I've got one.
Are you ready?
Would you rather watch your mom get murdered by your daddy
or get raped by your daddy while your mom had to watch?
Zoe, that's awful.
Would you rather?
Answer it.
I guess
get raped by my dad.
- Ew! - Gross!
What? Would you rather have your mom die?
I wouldn't do either.
That's so fucking disgusting.
You're sick.
What's the point of this game anyways?
I don't blame you, your dad's real hot.
He is.
All right. Home run me. Home run me.
- Ready? - Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Da, da, da, da, dah!
- You missed. - I did it by the air, bitch.
I'll do it myself.
Whoo!
I got it. Truth or dare.
Y'all can make out like you did last time.
No, that's no fun unless there's guys around to make jealous.
That's bullshit.
You liked it and you know it.
Come here, come give me a kiss.
Stop. I didn't even say dare.
What was that?
It's your daddy, Jenn.
Yeah, he's come to collect.
Oh, real funny.
No, seriously, what the fuck is that?
Well,
I'm just gonna have to go and find out.
Don't open the door.
Hello?
Anybody?
Hey, serial killers, we've got three hot babes in here
who haven't had sex in a really long time.
- It could be dangerous out there. - Ooh!
Zoe, I'm serious.
You know what, Mary? You're a real buzzkill.
Don't go out there!
Why are there no streetlights?
Because there are no streets.
I hate the country.
Zoe.
What the hell is that?
Should we call the police or something?
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
It's okay, it's okay. It was just the wind.
It's locked.
Mary...
It's okay. Just...
Ha, ha!
Tommy! You asshole!
Oh, come on.
It's nice to see you too.
But that wasn't funny.
How did you even get up here?
I'm sorry, babe. Buck talked me into it.
Yeah, I had to drag his ass all the way up here
and the whole time he's like,
"Wait, no, wait, Mary said that we're not supposed to come.
"Mary said that it's just girl's night.
"Mary wants to just be with her vagina all weekend."
Shut up, Buck.
Oh, my God, you guys should have seen y'all's faces.
It was classic.
You were in on this?
Not if it'll make you any madder.
Would any of you ladies care to come inside
and join me, 'cause there's no beer out here.
This is my cousin's house, you idiot.
How did you even get in there?
Magic. No, bedroom window was open.
Hi, Jenn.
What part of "stay away" do you guys not understand?
The "stay away" part. I just don't get it.
You're not invited up here.
Despite whatever this one may have told you.
Hey, come on, come on.
We parked the car down the road so you wouldn't hear us.
Besides, we missed you guys.
Mary, I haven't had sex in 36 hours.
You know, when your foot's asleep?
My dick's asleep.
I've got to wake it up.
I have to wake that dick up.
- Wake that dick up. Baby. - I will.
- I can't even feel it. - Mary, please.
Mary, please, my dick's asleep.
Wasn't this weekend for everybody?
Yeah, it was until you fucked it all up.
No, I'm sorry. You guys have to leave.
But, Mary, they just drove all the way out here.
This is my house and I make the rules.
It's fine, Mary. They can stay.
Jenn! Thank you, Jenn!
Give it up for Jenn everybody.
Right?
Jenn, do not let them bully you into this.
No, really, maybe it will force me to, you know,
face it head on instead of running away.
You sure?
Oh, my, goddammit, she's sure. Come on.
Come on, we're all adults here.
This doesn't have to be awkward.
Gentlemen, I'll see you in the bone zone.
Let's get drunk.
Whoo!
- Ow! - Right.
Well, at least this can't get any more awkward.
Oh, I feel like a power ranger!
Oh! Oh, shit, you are sweet!
You are way too hot for me!
Oh, baby! You know it!
This was helpful.
Thanks for stopping by.
Baby.
Don't call me that.
You've lost your baby privileges.
But it's not as bad as you think.
You've no idea what I think.
Can we at least talk about it?
Fine. Want to talk about it?
Who is she? Do I know this little whore?
What is that? Seaweed?
It's you, you asshole.
A friend of a friend tagged you on Facebook
from Michelles party last weekend.
Who is she?
I know it looks bad. I do.
I know. But I was really drunk.
You know what, if you're not gonna answer my questions
then we have nothing else to talk about.
Just, come on...
Don't touch me.
You feel better?
Getting there.
Let me go. I'll scream.
Join the club.
I missed you so much.
Oh.
Missed you too.
That was worth the drive up. For sure.
- Again. - I'm only one man.
It takes an hour to recharge.
Do you not read magazines?
Oh. Oh.
Can you hand me my glasses?
Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah, why?
I don't know. You just seem a little out of it.
Did you finish?
I guess I'm just worried about Jenn, that's all.
So, that's a no.
Someone in there?
Buck, I swear to God,
I'm gonna stick that bat up your...
Oh, my God, you have to see them!
- You guys... - What?
In the bathroom!
- Calm down. What's wrong? - There's something in there.
Tell me what's wrong!
There's something, I don't know, like...
Who the fuck is crying on vacation day?
- What's goin' on? - What did you do to her?
No, I didn't do anything.
Listen, there's a beaver in the bathroom.
That's really great news, haven't you been looking for beavers since we got here?
No, no, there was something wrong with it.
It was fucking rabid or something.
Well, you know what we should do?
We should capture it and we'll raise it as our own.
Jenn, you are a really ugly crier.
Go look in the fucking bathroom!
Jenn, I tell you what. This is getting real ridiculous.
Let's go to the fucking bathroom.
Okay, big daddy Buck's got it.
Here, Jenn, here, Jenn.
Oh, there is no way I'm drunk enough for this.
You're drunk as any one of the rest of us, so fucking man up.
Yeah, just man up.
Just be careful.
Pussy. Bein' a pussy.
Jesus. Dude, really? Fuckin' pussy.
- Shut up. - Bein' a bitch.
Bein' a little bitch about it.
Jenn, there's nothing in here.
I swear. It was right there.
Oh, my God, Jenn.
Is that one of those bathrooms?
Oh, look at me, I'm in a scary, scary bathroom, Jenn.
Jenn, be honest. Did you shit in here?
Oh, my God!
Kill it!
How the hell is that thing still movin'?
That's gnarly.
Someone want to get a garbage bag?
That was rabies?
Yeah, probably.
Then again I've never seen a real beaver before up close so...
Yeah, me neither.
Well, maybe you should try going down on me once in a while, Buck.
That was not a normal beaver.
I can tell you that much.
Yeah. Normal beavers have pupils in their goddam eyes, don't they?
Fucking chicks, come on.
The beaver obviously had something.
Wait, I mean, did it bite anyone?
- Jenn, are you... - No.
Good. 'Cause I've heard that rabies shots hurt like a bitch.
Yeah, not to mention the nearest hospital is 30 miles away.
Maybe we should just go home.
- What? - Yeah, no. Jenn,
we drove four hours to get here.
My foot's still asleep from the ride up.
I don't care about your foot, Buck.
You know, we're all just upset and drunk and...
And horny.
And 6'3", but that's just me.
- Buck, shut the fuck up. - Okay, you're right.
I think that we should just sleep on it.
Okay, well, I'm sleeping with you then.
Yeah, sure, Jenn. Whatever you want.
Guys, we could die tomorrow, okay.
This could be our last night.
This may sound crazy but we need to have an orgy,
I'm not fucking around. A safety orgy,
you know, stay together, like in the old west with the caravans.
Okay, here we go.
Don't let the dog look.
Relax. I'm not going to...
Oh, my God, Mary. Look.
Yuck.
Some wild animal came and took it.
See the footprints.
Come on.
- I don't like this. - What?
Jenn, come on, we're all the way out in the middle of the woods.
We tossed something on the porch
and something's glad that we did it.
What are you thinkin'?
All I know is that thing is dead, guys, come on.
Can we please go swimming now?
Yeah, I second that. Let's go.
You still want to go in the water after what happened last night?
Last night was in there, okay?
The water's way safer than in the cabin.
Yeah, come on. It's a beautiful day and the lake's right over here.
We haven't seen you ladies in your bikinis yet.
Come on.
You know, we were doing just fine before you guys showed up.
Jenn, that's not fair.
Yeah. Tommy did kill that beaver for us.
Yeah. Sorry Sam didn't kill anything
because that would be the only beaver he's getting this weekend.
Will you please stop with the beaver jokes?
Why did the beaver cross the road?
Whoo! Attagirl!
Come in, Misery!
Get your ass in the water and join the rest of the human beings!
Has it ever occurred to any of you that there might be more beavers?
Has it ever occurred to...
Beavers... Beavers...
So, you seen the mysterious photo?
Of course I've seen it.
I've seen it over 300 times since Wednesday.
She has me analyzin' every line and ever pixel,
trying to figure out who it is you're on top of.
Well, I guess it's safe to say that she,
she doesn't know that it was you.
Are you gonna tell her?
I don't know.
Well, you know, if you just tell her it was nothing,
she's gonna believe you.
Maybe.
But she'll hate me.
Tell that to my finger.
Are you crazy?
Don't be stupid, Jenn. Get your ass in the water right now.
Yeah. Come on. Yeah, peer pressure, Jenn. Come on.
Fine.
You know with all the shit that's gone down, we haven't talked.
Like you said, it was nothin'.
Besides, I'm with Tommy.
And if you're really lucky, you'll still be with Jenn.
You happy?
This is the happiest day of my life, Jenn.
You're in the lake. I don't know how it happened, but it did.
- Oh, my God. - What?
Something just swam past my foot.
You are, like, such a hypochondriac.
No, I swear to God, you guys, something just fucking hit my foot.
Oh!
Oh, look, Buck feels it too.
Wait.
- You swallow some water? - My foot!
Holy shit!
Oh, my God!
Get out of the water!
Oh, my God!
- What the fuck? - Is that blood?
Get to the raft! Get to the fucking raft!
Hurry!
Oh, fuck, he got me too!
No.
Fuck!
That was another fuckin' beaver!
More than one.
Beavers don't do this.
They don't just... They don't just attack people like this.
Oh, my God.
We have to tie this off right now.
- What about this? - No, no, no, too small, too small.
Wait.
The dog's vest.
- Yeah, yeah, perfect, perfect. - Hurry!
Look!
Where's Jenn?
Jenn!
Shit.
Hold on, hold on, hold on!
They're coming.
Shit.
Where did they go?
Shit!
They're underneath us!
No!
Be careful!
Hold on people.
We cannot stay here.
Yeah, no shit!
Hold on, hold on.
There's too many of them.
Oh, my God!
We have to swim for it.
We need a diversion.
What the fuck!
All right. You know what?
Sorry buddy. Surf's up!
Gosling!
No!
We have to go, go now!
Go, go.
Shit! Swim!
Go, go! Swim!
Oh, my God!
This doesn't make any goddamn sense.
This is the same one from the bathroom.
Is he like on steroids or something?
Mary, does it look like a baseball player?
I don't know, Zoe.
I mean, how could it still be alive?
It isn't.
What?
It isn't alive.
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
All right, enough talk.
What are you doing?
- This. - Oh, Jesus.
Any questions?
There's still no dial tone.
What? Did the beavers do it?
For all we know, the dial tone wasn't even on to begin with.
You okay?
Now, look, I am sorry, about the dog.
About the dog?
It's my dog.
You killed my dog.
It's between us and a... and a dog, I'm going to pick us every time.
If that makes me an asshole, then so be it, man.
It does.
Asshole!
Oh, give me a break. It's a dog.
Fuck you! I hate you. I hate...
Get off of me, Mary!
- Stop. - You stop!
You would take his side.
I'm not taking anyone's side.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to Jenn.
Mary, what is she talking about?
That's right, Jenn.
The girl in the stupid picture with Sam,
it's fucking Mary.
Thanks, Zoe.
She has a right to know. Everybody else does for fuck's sake!
I didn't know.
Tommy.
Jenn,
I was going to tell you.
It doesn't matter.
We have bigger problems now.
It's them, isn't it?
Oh, you think? They're everywhere.
Make it stop.
It has to be some sort of intimidation tactic or something.
Well, it's working.
Oh, my God!
Son of a bitch!
Is this what you want?
You fucks!
They're just out there waiting for us.
We've got to get Buck to a hospital.
What about the neighbor's place?
Yeah, we could use their phone.
Oh, fuck that.
I'll go for the car.
Fuck that too.
You stay here with the girls then.
I'll get Buck to a hospital and send back help.
Give me Buck's foot.
I'm going with you.
No, Zoe, you can't.
I have to.
Ew.
They could be out there.
They are out there, but like you said, we don't have a choice.
Buck is clearly not going to make it through the night.
There's got to be some other way.
Look. Beavers are great swimmers
but they're not that fast on land, okay?
Those things out there
they're not beavers.
I'm going to need your car 'cause ours is down the road a ways.
Give me the keys.
Tommy, you don't have to do this.
Mary.
It's okay.
Give me the keys.
Tommy?
Come on.
Come on baby.
Get the door.
I don't see anything. You?
My eyes are closed.
All right, let's go. Come on.
Wait.
Hurry, hurry!
Get the door.
Hurry, you better get in!
Better hurry.
They're in.
Come on, come on.
It's a fucking hybrid. You have to finesse it.
They made it.
Maybe we should've just gone with them.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe we should just leave.
Oh, no.
Will somebody help me?
God, you really are a pussy. Move!
We've got to board up all of these windows.
I'll do the heavy lifting.
You girls are safe with me.
Did you hear something?
Did I hear what?
Banging? Hollering?
Oh, it's just those kids scissoring each other to Lady Gaga.
Well, I know it's those kids.
Well, what do you want me to do about it? Call the police?
Well, I heard tires screeching.
You think we ought to go over there and check up on them?
You never did know when to mind your own business.
And you never did know when to get up off your ass.
You really want me to go over there
and check on a bunch of college girls?
Because you know I might just have to stay for their party.
Eww. Pig.
Buck?
How you doing there, man?
You hanging with us?
Oh, God.
It's okay, buddy. Hey, hey, hey!
Stay with us, stay with us, Buck.
Everything's gonna be good, alright?
Oh!
Shit.
- What the fuck? - Fuck!
- Oh, no! Oh, fuck! - They did this!
Fuck!
Suck a bag of dicks!
Shit. Fuck!
There's no way around this.
Look!
Oh, shit. Shit, wait here, I'm gonna go check it out.
Be careful!
Hello?
There's no one here.
What are you doing?
There's guns and one ax.
Are you gonna steal them?
Yeah, whatever, we'll borrow 'em.
I promise, I'll bring 'em right back.
Here.
What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
- Just take it. Please. - Should we go back to the cabin?
- No, just you guys. - What? Wait!
Go get some more guns, load up the trunk
and get everybody back to the cabin.
Please, get in the car and turn it around.
Wait. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna go ahead on foot and get some help.
You're insane, Tommy.
Zoe, please just get in the car and hurry.
Zoe?
I'm sorry I never ate your pussy.
I'm gonna go back and eat all of it one day.
It's okay, baby. We're gonna get out of here, okay?
It just smells so bad down there.
Tommy? Tommy!
No!
You!
Looks like you're hemmed in a little bit. Let's take my truck.
We have to save my boyfriend.
Well, come on. Let's get him and get out of here.
Come on, sweetie!
Here, get in.
Damn beavers.
I thought I told you to cover up?
They sound like babies.
Yeah, crazy fucking babies.
Nails, nails, nails, nails, nails.
Towards me.
No, duh.
Come out to the lake, have a few laughs.
Dammit.
No!
What? What happened?
You do realize that the whole point of a beaver
is that it fucking chomps wood.
Oh, well, if you want me to cover the whole house
with sheet metal, just say the word.
This just in. If you are receiving this broadcast,
barricade your doors and windows and do not leave your home.
Unless you want the deal of the century!
Come on down to Ashland Toyota!
Damn radio.
Back in the '70s, the beaver fever hit.
Scared up the whole damn county.
Beaver fever?
Caused by the Giardia parasite.
Beavers carry it.
Affects people too.
Affects them how?
Oh, diarrhea mostly.
What does it have to do with what's going on here?
Any of you guys got diarrhea?
- No. - Well, now that's good.
Doesn't matter anyway.
Whatever these beavers got out here,
I ain't seen nothing like it before.
Yeah, no kidding, mister.
Caught one in a trap, early this morning,
only it weren't dead.
And trust me, it shoulda been real dead.
They're leaving.
Why?
How the hell should I know?
Wait, listen.
It's a truck.
- It's Zoe! - What?
And Buck!
How did they get back so fast?
Maybe they brought help?
Or something went wrong.
There's someone else. Wait, is it that hunter guy?
What hunter guy?
Do you see Tommy?
Grab the cane. Wait for me, wait for me!
Shit, we need to get the boards off the door.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
Are you kidding? Get over here and help us.
I don't know if you know but those things can come back in here
and then we're all dead.
Fuck me.
Baby, come on.
Get there.
Open up!
The doors all boarded up.
- Why? - You know why the fuck why!
Well, hurry up.
You guys. Hey, you guys.
Hey you guys, you'd better turn around!
Filthy, hairy beavers.
Baby, come on. Get up, get up, get up!
Run. Run!
Hurry! Come on, baby.
Sons of bitches.
It's okay, baby. Come on.
Just a little bit further. Come on.
They're not gonna make it. There's too many of 'em.
Come on baby, up, up, up! You got it!
They made it.
Come on, baby.
Tommy's okay, right?
Yeah. I'm sure he's still out getting help.
Right. Cause there's no reason to think otherwise.
Hello?
Maybe they're not home.
Yeah, that'd be wishful thinking.
They couldn't be biting through the phone lines on purpose, could they?
Can't say for certain. Beavers like to chew on shit,
especially twigs, branches,
blades of grass and such.
I suppose wires fit the bill as well.
The phone in the cabin.
It didn't work either.
Stay here. I'll check upstairs.
When was the last time you picked up an actual book?
In class.
You should really try it some time.
- "Beavers are herbivores." - Great book.
Why don't you try looking up zombie beavers?
"They live in family groups or colonies
and will defend their lodge against other beavers."
Oh, oh, you think the beavers think that they're, that we're other beavers?
The fuck?
"Keen senses of hearing, smell and touch.
- "They live up to 24 years." - Just like us.
I mean, if we don't make it out of here.
- "They're monogamous." - Not like us.
Jenn,
it was just,
it was just one of those things.
So you're saying it was a mistake?
Don't answer.
You just did.
Look...
Once the three of us are far away from this cabin,
we can sit down like adults
and we can try to figure out why you both find me attractive.
Jenn, you have every reason to hate me.
Why him?
I don't know.
Listen,
we cannot turn against each other right now.
That is exactly what the beavers would want.
Let me see this.
"Animal behaviorists have found beavers to be gentle, reasoning creatures
"that like to play practical jokes.
"They are considered to be excellent at building tunnels."
I seriously need to lie down.
Okay.
All clear upstairs.
Appears the beavers have left the premises for the time being.
What about the old lady?
Well, she's still in bed what's left of her, anyway.
What you got there?
Sandwich?
No, it's Buck's foot.
We're keeping it on ice so we could reattach it.
That's what we're supposed to do, right? Keep it on ice?
Well, not directly on ice. It kills the tissue.
Well, shit! Well, what shall I do? Shall I wrap it in a towel or something?
Well, I suppose that depends on when it came off.
I... I don't know. This afternoon, maybe four or five hours ago.
Technically, I guess there's a chance that they can sew that sucker back on.
We'd have to be at the hospital within the hour but that ain't gonna happen.
Might as well just chuck the damn thing and call it a day.
I'm sorry. Do you want some chicken?
There's plenty of it in the fridge over there.
I don't want any chicken. We need to go to the hospital now.
Well, you know as well as I do
that road's blocked. We sure as hell can't get through on foot
in pitch dark.
With or without carrying the big fella.
Plus, beavers are generally more active at night.
So I suggest maybe we hole up here till the morning,
then one or two of us can make a go at it.
He could bleed to death overnight.
Yeah, well. I could always cauterize the stump.
You sure you don't want some chicken?
I'm not hungry.
Jenn?
You never cared that Sam cheated, did you?
You only cared that it was me.
Jenn, I know that we've been through a lot but this
isn't going to solve anything.
I love you, really, but
I... I just don't think of you this way.
Come on. Come on, let's go.
You've done this before, right?
No, ma'am.
But I've seen it on television many a time.
It's okay.
All right. What the fuck was that?
Buck!
Son of a bitch!
Buck! No!
Fuck.
No!
Oh, no! Fuck!
- What is she doing in there? - I don't know.
Its got to be some kind of virus transmitted by the beavers.
Oh, no shit!
Did you hear her? Did you fucking see her face?
Do you think that we can help her?
I mean, do you think it's permanent?
I don't know. She's gonna be on medication for the rest of her life.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Are you bit? Are you scratched?
- I'm fine. - Take off your shirt.
- Why? - Just take your fucking shirt off.
Calm down.
You fucking bitch!
Fuck!
All right.
Come on, come on, come on!
They're fucking everywhere!
Oh, the truck!
The truck. It was still running, last time I checked.
I'm not gonna make a run for it.
- Mary. - Take off your shirt.
- Why? - Take off your fucking shirt!
Satisfied?
Now take off the rest.
Zombie beavers running around but what the fuck do we care?
Turn around.
- You done? - I guess so.
Your turn.
What's this?
Mary, I promise I'm gonna get us out of here.
Don't talk.
- I want to take my glasses off. - No, no. It's hot, it's hot.
- Do you smell something? - What?
- Smoke, smoke, I smell smoke. - Okay. I'll take care of it.
Oh, God!
Oh. Fuck me.
Get in!
- Where's Jenn? - They're all dead. Just go!
We're getting the fuck out of here.
Oh, shit, Zoe!
Get down!
Zoe, look out!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Oh, I think we woke the neighbors.
- Go! Go! - I'm trying.
Go! Go! Go!
Fucking go!
I mean, really?
Is this truck fucking covered in honey?
I never liked that bitch anyway.
Why are we stopping?
It's okay, Mary.
The trees are down ahead and we've got to continue on foot.
Come on.
What?
It's nothing. Just keep going.
We're gonna have to go behind the car.
We have to go around it.
Come on. You're okay now, Mary. We're gonna make it.
It's gonna be okay.
We just need to go a little further.
Mary, what are you doing?
Where did you get that?
The glove compartment.
You got bit and we both know that you're gonna turn into one of those things.
- No, we don't know that. - Yes, we do!
Mary, I feel totally fine, I swear.
What, is it this?
I jumped through a fucking window!
I ran through the woods. They crushed my foot, I did not get bit!
You shut up! Do not come any closer! I mean it.
You at least have to wait until I turn,
or else you'll be a murderer.
Mary! Mary, no!
Hey, you see that girl?
Yeah, I see her.
I trust you.
- B-mark. - Okay.
Beaver fever?
Yeah.
Caused by the Giardia parasite. Beavers carry it.
Caused by the...
Fuck.
Cause by the Giardia parasite.
It's very fucking serious shit.
Let's roll it again. Sorry, Jordan.
We're over there and it's Saving Private, Privates Ryan.
Jenn we're up there sucking...
- And fucking. - And fucking, fucking, okay?
And...
We almost had it.
- We're in there sucking and yes... - And fucking.
- Trucking. Keep going. - I got nothing.
We're gonna go to Arby's and get some apple turnovers.
Copy that. Over.
I got a hand job at an Arby's one time.
Oh, yeah?
Or did I give one?
Oh, no, the hand.
Action.
That's gnarly.
Gnar-ley.
Gnarl-ley.
Gnarly.
Mar-gully!
Nar-gully?
The dog's supposed to be scared of them.
I had a job for a minute as one of those sign spinners.
Like, like one of those sandwich places?
Yeah. But I had plugged it in, I put some Christmas lights in it,
tried to get paid extra, strangled my penis.
Strangled your penis? How does that happen?
You can strangle your penis.
Were you doing that flip behind your back
and it came up around your taint?
My penis was in a, was in a rear, naked choke.
Well, what kind of workman's comp do you get for that?
You just get fired.
Can someone pull my glasses down?
- Yep. - Well, not you.
- Okay. - Do you like the moan?
Or do you like the...
- Both. - I'll do the moan, you do the...
My mom never loved me, my mom never loved me.
Why are you with me? Why are you with me?
What do you see in me? I don't know.
That's great.
Ready, action.
Well, that is fucked up.
Cut.
Zombeavers
You hear your sweetheart scream
She tells you why
You don't believe her
She saw one in the bathroom, it's no lie
It's a Zombeaver
Contaminated by toxic goo
A random genetic mistake
They're semi-aquatic
They're hungry for you
Boys and girls stay away from the lake
Zombeavers
A cheerful gang of college students
Think they're on vacation
Instead they're dodging beaver chompers and facing their damnation
Don't board up the doorways and windows, my friend
It won't do any good
These furry, brown bastards are fully equipped
And they'll chew right through the wood
Say goodbye to your golden retriever
Zombeavers
So brace yourself, you've never witnessed rodents quite like these
Oh, Jesus Christ, you can't escape
They blocked the road with trees
Check your bodies for scratches, you can't be too careful
Their claws are a cause for concern
Yes, once you're infected, it's only a matter of time before you turn into
Zombeavers
Spoiler alert.
Zombeavers
Look out they're coming through the walls
Your girlfriend's chewing off your balls
Zombeavers
Zombeavers, baby