To the dread rattling thunder, have I given fire
and rifted Jove's stout oak with his own bolt.
The strong-based promontory have I made shake.
And by the spurs plucked up the pine and cedar.
Graves at my command have waked their sleepers.
Op'd and let 'em forth by my so potent art.
Here's one. What would you rather be?
Is now the best time to do this?
Right. Would you rather be you,
with your face and your legs and the brain of a chimpanzee...
Brilliant.
...or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?
I can't answer that.
It's too inane, even for you. That's the worst one yet.
...and deeper than did ever plummet sound.
I'll drown my book.
DIRECTOR: And cut!
Good. Very good.
DIRECTOR: Patrick, happy?
Okay, so we're...
Oh, for...
- All right? - Yeah.
- Now that is acting. - Yeah, I know what acting is, Greg.
Well, you know what watching acting is.
Actually, you can watch me later. I've got a line.
"All's lost. To prayer, to prayer, all's lost."
- That's embarrassing. - You don't know what it means, do you?
- Not the way you did it, no. - But you don't know what it means?
- I don't care what it means so... - You've no idea?
No, because while you were at school swotting up on Shakespeare,
I was out living a real life, shagging birds.
You told me you didn't have sex till you were 22.
- Why are you joining in? -Interesting.
No, it's not.
You said your mum wouldn't let you bring girls home.
- Why are you still joining in? - The plot thickens.
The plot doesn't thicken because I could have been lying to her.
- Calm down! - If you were lying,
why did you say that you lost your virginity to a woman that looked like Ronnie Corbett?
And it's good night from me.
- Rubbish. - I've got to go. That's great. Good luck.
I hope you have better luck with the acting than you clearly have had with the ladies.
You don't know anything.
- See you later. - Bye.
I'd love to show him.
Don't worry. You will get off with another woman.
I mean my acting career! I get off with birds all the time.
Sorry.
Why did you tell him about the Ronnie Corbett woman?
I don't know.
PATRICK: Enter.
Oh, hi. I'm probably going to get fired for even being here.
I'm an extra in this, but I'm an actor, really.
And, well, I'm desperate and as I said, I'm really sorry but...
Oh, come on, don't apologise. Sit down.
You're hustling. Acting is a noble profession but it's a tough one.
So how are you getting yourself out there?
Well, I'm just getting my face around in anything I can,
but, you know, I suppose I'm networking, but I've written a script.
You see, writing, you see, that's the key.
- I'm writing myself at the moment. - Right.
You see, as actors, the only choice we have is yes or no.
Whereas if you're writing your own material, you're creating your own opportunities.
Well, this is my thinking, yes.
I'm writing this screenplay
and I find the whole process absolutely exhilarating.
What's yours about, if you don't mind me asking?
How best to explain it?
- You've seen me in X-Men? - Yes.
The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier,
if you remember, he can control things with the power of his mind.
- Yes. - Make people do things and see things.
So I thought, "What if you could do that for real?"
I mean, not in a comic book world but in the real world.
- Oh, right. - So in my film I play a man
-who controls the world with his mind. - Right. That's interesting.
Yes. For instance, I'm walking along and I see this beautiful girl
and I think I'd like to see her naked and so all her clothes fall off.
All her clothes fall off?
Hm. Yes, and she's scrabbling around to get them back on again
but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything.
You know, I've seen it all.
- Okay. It's a comedy, is it? - No.
It's about what would happen if these things were possible.
- What's the story, though? What's the... - Well, I do other stuff.
Like, I'm riding my bike in the park and this policewoman says,
"Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass," and I go, "Oh, no?"
And her uniform falls off.
And she goes, "Ah!" and she's trying to cover up but I've seen everything.
Anyway, and I get on my bike, I ride off. On the grass.
So, it's mainly you sort of going around seeing ladies' tits.
Mainly.
And I do other stuff like, I go to the World Cup Final
and it's Germany versus England and I wish that I were playing.
And suddenly I am and I score the winning goal.
They carry me into the dressing room and there's Rooney and Beckham
-and then Posh Spice walks in and... - Her clothes fall off?
- Instantly. - Sure.
- She doesn't know what's happening. - No.
- But I've seen... - Seen everything.
Again.
Good. ls there a narrative at all? ls there like a story in the film or is it just...
- Well, I'm a sort of James Bond figure. - Right.
And I have to go to Iraq to rescue these hostages.
And I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women.
And they're naked because their clothes had rotted off.
But I get them into the helicopter and I'm flying the helicopter,
but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything.
You know, one of them is bending over, two of them are kissing.
- They've turned lesbian? - Because they'd been in the camp so long.
It can happen. Well, good luck with that. I've just written a sitcom,
but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know, you know.
- Yes. - In film or TV...
-ls there any nudity in it? - Any...
- Any nudity in it? - Not really.
- Oh. - Well, there could be.
Men or women?
- Either. - Oh.
Well, just women.
- Right. - I'd need to rewrite, but...
in the meantime, if you could give it to anyone in TV or film or...
Yes, definitely. I will make it so.
You've seen Star Trek: The Next Generation?
- I haven't, no. - Your wife won't let you have it on?
- I'm not married. - Oh. Your girlfriend, then?
I have no girlfriend. I live alone.
You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend and you don't watch Star Trek?
No.
Good Lord.
You're probably wondering why I called you in for an unscheduled meeting.
- Got the wrong day? - No, not at all, no. These are exciting times.
I know you've been busy.
I've been busy as well generating a lot of heat about your sitcom script.
- Really? - Yeah.
Took the liberty of sending the script to a production company, Picard Productions.
They sent it to the BBC comedy department, who got in touch, and there's a lot of buzz.
What, the BBC have called you?
Yeah. They just say, "We love the script.
"We'd like to get you in and have a meeting, a chat and brainstorm."
- Brilliant. Who's the production company? - You wouldn't have heard of them.
A little company called Picard Productions set up by Patrick Stewart. I sent it to them...
- You sent it to Patrick Stewart? -"This is dynamite stuff..."
- Recently? - About two months ago.
No, you didn't. I gave it to him on set.
Even if I haven't done anything towards this...
please can I still have my twelve-and-a-half percent?
Please.
- Yeah, why not? - Yeah? Thank you.
I mean, that's sort of the way it's done so...
Have you thought about who could play the main character?
- I'm playing the main character. - Really? Are you sure?
You're a bit of a nobody. I'm not sure they'd cast a nobody in the main role.
Well, we'd insist.
I think the obvious choice is right under your nose. Barry.
Yeah. No offence, Shaun. I'm playing the lead character.
Are you sure 'cause he's really versatile?
- I'm sure he is. - I'm not sure what it is you can do.
Barry can do all sorts. Do your serious.
You do love me, Janine, you do. I know you do.
- Yeah. Do your comical. - Pat, you've trodden on my foot! Get off!
- He's a singer as well. - # Mustang Sally #
- Loud, isn't it? - He did a gig once without a microphone.
There wasn't a microphone there.
He turned up for this gig, there was no PA system, nothing.
- Tell him. - They were going to cancel the gig.
I said, "You're having a laugh! I don't need a microphone.
-"Microphones are for wimps." - He said microphones are for wimps.
I belted it out, just like that, in front of what, 140-odd people.
And they were really spread out because it was a thousand-seater venue.
Lot of empty seats, didn't faze him, just went for it. Go on, do it.
# All you want to do is ride around Sally #
- Sing it with me now! - # Ride, Sally, ride #
- What are you doing? - Just having a little sing-song.
I'm doing the lead in this, okay? I'm playing the lead character.
That's it, I don't want to discuss it.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
I don't know... You've never struck me as a funny bloke.
Sorry?
You always come in here and you're really negative and a bit...
Doesn't that tell you something?
I know what you're saying but I don't get Barry any work and he's happy.
- Not entirely happy. - Calm down, mate.
Giving it all this in front of a client. If you've got an issue, have a meeting with me.
You've been hanging around with him too much, giving it this.
- Hi, hello. - Hi.
- Iain Morris, Head of New Comedy. - I'm Andy. This is my agent.
- Darren Lamb. Nice to meet you. - Hello. Nice to meet you. Good.
- Okay, well, take a seat. - Thank you.
Okay, we're just waiting for one more person.
I want you to meet Damon Beesley. He's a producer here,
but he's also a great writer and he's a script editor and I'd like to...
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
Room for a small one? Cheeky, you started without me. Not for the first time.
What's he been saying? It's all lies.
Lucky for you, I haven't said anything at all.
- Andy, this is Damon. - Hi.
Oh, bloody hell, we're not worthy, we're not worthy.
Je t'aime your script. I wet myself laughing.
At last, some real talent at the BBC.
- Cheers. - He's happy.
Where are we?
I just wanted to find out where you see this project going.
- BBC 1. - No, I don't actually.
- BBC 3? -No, BBC 2.
I think that's just really good for comedy.
I think if you come up with a new project on BBC 1,
you've got to really water it down, you know?
- I don't want a laughter track. - No laughs.
- There'll be laughs. - There'll be big laughs.
But I just want it to be...
I don't want it to be a comedy aimed at people without a sense of humour.
I want people to be able to think about it.
I don't want it filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Unless you guys disagree with that, in which case we can change all that.
- Just do whatever you want to do. - No.
No, there's no need to do that.
What I would say, though, is because this is your first project,
I would like you to initially write with someone else.
- He will write with anyone. - I won't.
He will not write with anyone, that's a deal breaker.
No. I'd like to write it myself
just because it's based on my own experiences, really.
The character is based on a boss I used to work for.
And I just generally think the best things are auteured.
Turd?
No?
All right, I'm happy for you to write it yourself
but I would feel happier getting Damon just to work with you as script editor.
Someone to bounce ideas off, just tidy up the first script. I think it's a bit flabby.
Yeah, it's just a bag of ideas at the moment, but yeah, fine.
I think the best thing to move this forward is to get you two together in a little room.
- Oh! - Shh!
Inappropriate at a meeting at the BBC, that.
- Okay, that would be great. - Okay.
Okay, let's talk cash because, as you know, this script is piping hot.
- So we're looking for big bucks. - We don't need to talk cash now.
We need to talk a little bit about cash.
Just get some money up front for, you know, supplies, pencils.
- I could probably find you a computer. - You happy with a computer?
- Yes. - He's happy with that. We'll go with that.
Okay, good.
- You sure you're happy? - Yes.
- Thanks. - Great.
- Thank you very much. - Nice to meet you.
# Celebrate good times, come on #
Did you get it? Oh, brilliant.
- Oh, well done! - Oh, yes.
Someone's celebrating.
What, a wealthy old relative popped her clogs, has she?
No. So why am I celebrating?
Could be because of the TV show the BBC have just given me.
- TV show? - Yeah, pilot for a sitcom. So...
- What sitcom? - The sitcom I wrote.
- You're not funny. - Well, the BBC beg to differ.
- What's it about? -It's about my old boss I used to work for.
Write about what you know.
I'd just like to say I've got something for you, just to say thanks for all the great times.
Just a few crumbs from the table. Share the wealth.
I am devastated, really, to be leaving you lot behind.
We've had such great... Especially you, Julie.
- Lucy. - Whatever. Shouldn't you be in costume?
- I am in costume. - Yeah?
Why did we never... And you, will you please call me?
- I haven't got your number. - Yeah, 079... (MUMBLING)
- 07 what? - Listen up. 0793334...
All the threes, put them all in otherwise it doesn't work. And in a particular order.
- Get it off Julie... - Lucy.
- Whatever. - I haven't got your number.
- I'll text it to you. - You haven't got my number.
I know, but I'll work it out. Then we'll all have it, won't we?
Then we can arrange the camping trip we've always talked about.
- Anyway, I'll see you later. - Yeah, okay. Bye.
See you later, man.
You all right? You look a bit pale. Could you get some rouge for Greg?
- I'm fine. - You all right? You look a bit sick.
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
I think structurally, we're all higgledy-piggledy-pew
and I think we can get to the boss coming in quicker and set him up straight away.
Well, we could start with him actually walking in to work, in the first scene.
He just actually comes in and that's when you see him.
The real Ray used to come in to work every day without fail.
He'd just walk up to someone and say something like,
"Have you done those invoices?" And they'd go, "No."
And he'd go, "Is he having a laugh? Are you having a laugh?"
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Brilliant. We're having that. That's super, that's funny. Do it again.
That's what he used to do, just go up to someone
and go every time, "Is he having a laugh? Are you having a laugh?"
That's great. That will be a catchphrase.
- I'm not sure about catchphrases. - No, it'll be great.
People can say it. "Is he having a laugh? Are you having a laugh?"
- I just think catchphrases are too easy. - Are you having a laugh?
I think it could get a little bit annoying after a while.
Do you fancy a coffee? I haven't had one in about 20 minutes.
Shall I get one from upstairs or do you fancy one from Costa's?
- It might take me a bit longer. - That one, then.
Are you having a laugh?
- Oh, hello. Can we help? - Hi. It's my friend Maggie. Come in.
- This is Damon. - Oh, you cow, I love your bag.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just off on a cappuccino run, do you want one?
No, it's fine. I'm just here for a wee minute.
Okay, well, lovely to meet you. See you again, hopefully.
- Bye for now. - Bye.
DAMON: Oi, Bowker, you poofter!
- Welcome to our world. - Look at you.
- Take a seat. Take a letter. - I will.
(MAGGIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)
- Are you well? - Yeah, well, you know. Got my health.
- But listen, how's it going here? - He's doing my head in.
- Who? - Who?
Who? Who do you... The owner of this monstrosity.
Quentin Crisp who just skipped down the corridor going, "I want a cappuccino."
Oh, he's too gay, he's too gay.
- What do you mean? - No one needs to be that gay.
- What do you mean he's too gay? - He's a cliché of a gay.
If I was doing Give us A Clue and the clue came up "A gay bloke", I'd do him.
- Unbelievable. - Well, that's just a wee bit homophobic.
It's not homophobic. No, I don't care how much arse sex he has.
But why does he have to be that camp?
Screaming and clapping. When does that happen?
When do you suddenly think, "Well, I prefer a nice little saveloy
"to a battered cod so I'd better walk like this."
- I liked him. - Of course you do.
- Women like you love the gays. - What do you mean, women like me?
Wrong side of 30, six out often for looks.
You've got someone to go to the disco with, haven't you?
And you walk in with him and you go, "No, I'm not sharking, I've got a bloke."
But if a bloke comes up that you fancy, you go, "Oh, him? He's just my gay friend."
- Perfect. It's a safety net. - Six out of ten.
- Yeah. - Is that all I get? Six out often?
- I don't know... - Look me in the eye and say six out often.
Shall I look you in your wonky eye or your good eye?
I have got one eye a wee bit higher up than the other one.
- See you. - Bye.
I was going to ask you, how are you getting on with Andy?
He's lovely, isn't he? He's very talented. Very funny script.
You've not run into any of his funny little ways?
- No. - Well, he can be quite odd sometimes.
I just wanted to let you know that he is like that with everybody.
- How do you mean? - Well, like noise.
He's got this thing about noise.
Like, I've seen him at a restaurant, somebody at the table nearby
is cutting their meat too loudly and he's getting himself all annoyed about it.
Oh, note to self. Cut meat quietly.
Yes. And you might find you might want to just tone it down a little bit.
- Tone what down? - Well, you're quite camp, which is great,
but I think maybe sometimes he thinks you're too gay.
Did he say that?
Yeah, but I mean, he wasn't being nasty about it. I just think...
Oh, no. I've said the wrong thing. I shouldn't have, should I?
No, no, I'm fine. I'm glad you told me.
Oh, good. Thank God for that. I thought I'd put my foot in it by telling...
- Not at all. - Okay.
- Well, it was lovely to meet you. - Absolutely. Lovely to meet you.
- See you again. - I'll take it on board.
Bye.
You have one message. Message one.
(BEEP)
Hello, dear. It's your daddy here, er... with your mummy.
- Erm...nothing important. - MUM: Oh, give it to me.
Hello, dear. Great news about Andy. We're so pleased for him.
And it just got us thinking that maybe you should try and do something with your life.
I mean, your dad and I aren't expecting anything spectacular.
We were just thinking maybe a wee job you could be proud of.
You know, we love you so much, we hate to think of you growing old
and being poor and living in squalor and dying a spinster.
So, just give us a call to put our minds at rest
that you're not just frittering your life away, would you? Okay?
And if things get any worse, you can always come back home. We've still got your room.
DAD: Well, it's sort of my study now.
MUM: We could easily squeeze in a tiny wee single bed.
All right then, give us a call, sweetheart. Bye for now.
DAD: Bye dear.
Bye.
(sun-nus)
Okay, great. Well, I love the changes. I think this is looking great. Well done.
- Oh, thank you. - I think we're ready to move things forward.
I'd like to shoot a non-broadcast pilot with a view to making a series.
Oh! Okay, thank you.
- All right. - Brilliant.
So, are you happy with the way things have gone so far?
- Definitely. - You happy working with Damon?
- Definitely. - No problems with the working relationship?
- Nothing you want to discuss? - No.
Okay.
- I'm not too gay for you, then? - Damon.
I'm sorry. I said I wasn't going to say anything but he's lying through his teeth.
Excuse me.
Your friend, Maggie, is it? She told him what you said about him.
- What did I say about him? - That he's too gay.
- Oh! No. She's an idiot. She's an idiot. - So you didn't say that?
Yes, but he wasn't meant to hear it.
It concerns me if you're so homophobic, you couldn't work with a gay person...
No, no, no, no, I'm not homophobic.
In fact, I actually said to her,
I said, "I don't care how much arse sex he has...
"he's just too..." What was it? I can't remember what I said.
You're aware that I'm gay?
Didn't...
Well, no, you didn't... And you don't make a song and dance. You don't go,
"Ooh, hello! I'm..."
- No, I didn't. - I'll stop you there.
Go on.
What concerns me is we've all got to work together
and if this is where we are when we've only just started,
where the hell are we going to be a month or so down the line?
It won't be a problem because I'll just apologise to Damo.
Everyone gets wound up with the people they work in close proximity with.
Little things wind you up, so it doesn't matter.
It's not a case of being straight or gay. It's my neuroses and I'll just, you know...
Do you think you could put your hang-ups and your neuroses on hold?
- Yes. - He won't be around for long.
- What, AIDS? - Sorry?
Is it AIDS?
No. I mean the pilot will only take a couple of months.
Oh, yeah.
Right. Listen, talk to Damo, I'll talk to him.
We'll see where we are and if we feel we can go forward with this project or not.
We can... Okay, I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him now.
- Okay, good. - Okay.
- Okay, I'll go and talk to him. - All right, bye.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hello. - Hi. Do me a favour. Stay out of my business.
- Andy, what? Come in. - I may have lost the pilot thanks to you.
- Why? - Why?
Because you stuck your nose in where it wasn't needed.
Telling Damo I thought he was too gay. What were you thinking?
I was thinking that you were stressed and I just wanted to help you.
That's helping rne, is it? I just can't believe your stupidity sometimes.
Andy, don't be like this, I can't cope. I'm having a bad time at the moment.
Sorry. What's a bad time for you?
Tie-dyed the wrong T-shirt? You lost a kooky broach?
I was just about getting to where I wanted to be and you may have fucked it up.
- I've been grovelling all day at the BBC. - What do you mean?
I've got a meeting there at 4:00, they may pull the plug.
Imagine if they pull the plug, how am I going to look you in the face again?
- Do you want me to say something? - You're not listening.
I'm sorry, Andy. I don't know what you want me to say.
- I was just trying to help you. - I don't want you to help me anymore.
I want you to stop living like a child, floating through life like everything's okay
until it actually affects someone, okay?
So really, my advice to you is, you've got to grow up.
Clean up, just sort your own mess out before you get involved in my life, really.
- Do you want to follow me? - Yeah.
It's unfortunate we've ended up in this position, Andy.
I'm not going to speak for Damon.
Damon, come on.
- Well, things were said that were very hurtful. - Yeah.
But your apology means a lot to me.
So, if you're happy to work with me, then I'd like to carry on working with you.
Definitely. Definitely. Yeah.
I'm such a huge fan of this project.
- I'm a big fan of yours, so... - Great.
- Happy? -Definitely.
- Water under the bridge. - Wonderful.
Okay, let's get some dates sorted and get the ball rolling on his project.
- Yeah. - Come on, silly. Huggy Bears.
DAMON: Now.
Okay?
- Do you want one? - No.
- Just normal? Okay, brilliant. Okay, thanks. - Yes.
Cheers.
Cut. Great.
Thank you.
- See you. - See you. That's me done.
- Oh, I'll see you soon. - Yeah, bye.
Maggie.
- Hi. - You all right?
Yeah.
- And you? - Yeah.
Here, look.
Okay, now.
PATRICK: Hello, Maggie.
- Hello. - This is Patrick Stewart here.
And the reason you're hearing my rich, sexy voice
is that Andy is not man enough to apologise himself,
even though he knows he's in the wrong.
That's why he's asked me to do it for him.
Please, look at his fat, expressionless face. He doesn't mean any of the things he said
and he knows you don't have a malicious bone in your body
-and were just trying to help. - Thank you.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive him,
then please...make it so.
Have you seen Star Trek: The Next Generation?
Er, no, I haven't, actually.
Never mind. Incidentally, Maggie, are you an actress?
Because I'm writing a film and I'd love you to be in it.
Okay. No, she can't. Okay, thanks.
Cheers.
- What was that about a film? - You don't want any part of it, trust me.
- Your hair looks really nice. - Shut your face.
- What? It does. - Well, thanks.
- The pilot's fine, by the way. - Thank God for that.
I just wanted to let you know that I have taken on board
all that stuff that you were saying about growing up.
- Oh, don't please, shut up. - Well, I have.
- Oh, don't. - Well, you know what I mean.
- Well, I'm mortified. - No, I know, but you were right.
I wasn't right. You're about the most grown-up person I know.
- I'm sort of the only person you know. - You win by default.
Correct.
I'm really sorry.
Can you let go of my hand, please?
Of course. Aren't my hands lucky? 'Cause that would ruin everything, wouldn't it?
- He's quite a nice one, though, isn't he? - He's fine.
I've been working up to saying hello to him for the last couple of days.
- Sure. - What do you think?
- You know what I think. - What?
I think you're a tart.
Go on, then.
- Work your magic. - Yeah, I will.
I'll see you later, yeah?
- See you. - See you.
ANDY: That was quick.
I couldn't think of anything witty to say. He was on the phone anyway.
ANDY: What would you rather do...
(MAGGIE LAUGHS) Go on, then.
Wake up and your teeth have sort of fallen out,
wake up and your hair's fallen out,
or wake up and your toes have fallen off?
(MAGGIE LAUGHING)
Er...what, is my hair gone for good?
(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)