Jazz, I got 10 bucks that says you bluffing worse than Haiti.
Let's see you beat three kings.
- Two pair. - Yes.
[WILL CHUCKLES]
A pair of red fives and a pair of black fives.
That is eight pots in a row.
Couldn't nobody be that lucky unless they were cheating.
It ain't cheating, Will. It's focus.
The fact is the only time I ever concentrate is when I'm playing poker. It's a gift.
According to my calculations, over the last three years...
...Jazz has beaten us for approximately $13,000.
Would've been 14 if you hadn't gone back to Philly.
My wallet sure missed you, homey.
Well, I wasn't in Philly the whole time, Jazz.
No? Where were you, Kalamazoo?
Alabama.
And what were you doing in Alabama?
I witnessed a murder.
[SINGING THE "FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]
You ain't witnessed no murder. Did he, Carlton?
I'm not at liberty to discuss this. And you shouldn't either.
Oh, shut up, Carlton.
Ain't nothing that me and Will don't know about each other.
Except this.
For real?
Tell me.
He can't.
Agent Moore swore us to secrecy.
Look, Carlton is right, Jazz. Sorry I brought it up. Let's just play.
Will, if you don't tell me what went down, our friendship is over.
It all started on a hot August day back in Philly.
Okay, you want to ante up?
I had just arrived at Duke's with my girl, Laqueesha.
The City of Brotherly Love's finest sister.
Oh, baby, thank you so much for walking me to work.
And thank you for breakfast too.
Oh, well, am I a better cook than your mama?
You all got different styles.
My mom usually like to cook with her clothes on.
I guess when she comes home from her trip...
...I'm gonna have to go back to my own place, huh?
Well, either that or we have to be very, very quiet.
WILL: See, my moms won the WDAS-FM Back To Africa Contest.
She spotted anything culturally wrong in The Lion King.
BOTH: Mmm.
I will see you later.
WILL: Little did she know that's the last time she'd see me.
JAZZ: Your woman was murdered?
WILL: Can I finish?
JAZZ: My fault, go ahead.
WILL: All of a sudden this big dude comes out of the kitchen.
- Hey, man, what was you doing in there? - I'm with the Health Department.
- Hey, you... - Do you have any...?
Oh, man, Duke, Duke. Duke.
WILL: I feared the worse when I got to Duke's office.
And I was right.
Oh, Mama, no.
I'd never seen a dead body before.
Of course, Curtis sees them all the time. He works at the post office.
Turns out the mob was trying to muscle in on the lucrative Philly-cheese-steak market.
Duke told them, "Over my dead body. "
I sure do miss him.
Man, it was up to me to finger Duke's killer.
That's him. That's him. Number three, that's him.
You're positive it isn't one of the others?
No, that's him. That's him, man.
Send the first two out.
The man we are looking at is John "Fingers" O'Neill...
...the number one hit man for the mob.
I'm going to start on the paperwork.
Um...
[CHUCKLES]
[BEATBOXING]
Boy, your choking days is over.
You're going to jail, fool.
Lucky there's 5 inches of glass between us.
Boy, I might just tear off into...
[SCREAMS]
[CHOKING]
WILL: All I could think was...
Turn around!
[GASPS]
- He saw you. - You think?
WILL: O'Neill escaped by bowling over nine agents and a DEA dog.
My life was in danger so they put me in witness protection...
...in Deliverance, Alabama.
They hooked me up with a new life and a new name.
Floyd Palmer?
Hey, look, no. Uh-uh. Come on.
I'm more like a Malcolm Akbar Mustafa.
It's taken.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hold up. Come on.
I'm a city boy. You know, I got to get out to:
I gotta get out to the club and get my little groove on.
Talk some jazz. Got me?
Well, the nearest town is Hatred, Mississippi.
I can check if there's dancing.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can I at least call my family in Bel-Air?
Absolutely not.
They've been informed you're in the program.
They wish you luck.
WILL: I was scared and somewhat alone.
So I did what I always do when faced with adversity.
[SNORING]
Of course I love you, Laqueesha.
I don't think your butt is too saggy.
[CREAKS]
Please, O'Neill, no.
Oh, please don't kill me.
[GASPS]
- I bet it was the killer, right? - Are you in or out?
I'm out, I'm out.
Tough break. Your full house would have beaten my seven high.
I bet it was the killer, right?
Look, Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable telling you any more, man.
Who knows? Your life could be in danger.
What life? I'm a married man.
By the way, if Jewel asks, we were at our pottery class tonight.
So I bet it was the killer, right?
All right, all right, I'll tell you, but ante up first.
Man, it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.
[SCREAMS]
WILL: Uncle Phil.
Hey, man, what you doing here?
What am I doing here?
[CHUCKLING]
Well, son, I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
You see, years ago I fell in love with...
...and married a wonderful woman named Vivian.
Vivian had a sister named Vy.
Vy gave birth to a child named Will...
...whose sole purpose in life has been to make mine a living hell.
Now, you've done a lot to me over the last four years...
...but how you managed to have me ripped out...
...of my wonderful life in Bel-Air...
...and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Is that a toupee?
Yes, it's a toupee.
It's a part of my new identity.
You see what you do to me?
Where's the bathroom?
It's right through that door.
It leads outside.
Oh, yeah, I know.
You better take this broomstick. There's something living in there.
Hey, my family.
Aunt Viv. What happened?
The FBI heard that your hit man was gonna try to get to you through us.
So they put us in the witness protection program too.
See, Mom, I always said Will would be the ruin of this family...
...but did you listen to me? Does anyone ever listen to me?
- What are you babbling about, Carlton? - Carlton? There's no Carlton here.
Thanks to you, Carlton Banks no longer exists.
He's now Little Zeke from Cabin Creek.
I hate to say it, Carlton, but you and your family are spoiled.
Sure, there was a homicidal maniac looking for you all...
...but you still got a free vacation on the government's tip.
Royal flush.
Mm. You win again.
Something must be affecting my concentration. Go on, Will.
Yeah, go on, Will.
Jacks are better?
I knew if I could get Uncle Phil on my side, the others would come around.
- Hey, Uncle Phil. - Big Zeke to you.
Uncle Phil, how you gonna be mad at me? You always telling me to do the right thing.
So? You never listened to me before, why did you have to do it now?
What was I supposed to do?
Just let Duke's killer get away?
I know.
I know you did what you had to do.
Man, I just hope the FBI catches him before he gets to me.
You scared, son?
Not so much now that you're here.
Hey, man, look, want to try fishing tomorrow?
Oh, can't.
Tomorrow I start my new job at the manure plant.
Sleep tight, Floyd.
Good night, Big Zeke.
I hear you'd like to go dancing.
You know, there's one thing I can't follow.
- One thing? - Yeah.
While you all were in Deliverance, where was the hit man?
- That's a good question, Jazz. JAZZ: Thank you.
- Dude, why don't you tell him, Carlton? - Well, I would, but I need a fresh deck.
Um... The hit man was...
...here in Bel-Air.
HILARY: "Dear Neiman or Marcus, whichever of you gets this first.
I'm being held hostage by my own government.
Please send my fall/winter catalog...
...care of Betty Mae Swilly, Deliverance, Alabama. "
[PHONE RINGS]
Yep?
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE OVER TELEPHONE]
Jewel.
Yeah, the pottery class. No, no, no, we was at the pottery class.
But, uh, the kiln blew up.
No, Jazz, he... He busy picking vase particles out of his butt.
Ow! Ow!
Jewel, listen...
[DIAL TONE]
I know that sound.
I better get home.
Wait a minute, you'll miss the best part of the story, where we meet the bear.
- The bear? - The bear?
Oh, pfft, the bear. Yeah.
Deuces are wild.
Uh... You're the animal lover, Carlton, why don't you tell him about the bear.
Sure. See, in order to find food we had to hike into the nearest town.
I'm tired.
- How long have we been walking? - I don't know. About three, four minutes.
Ohh!
[GROWLS]
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
Go on, Maynard, go home.
Scoot. Come on, go.
You get. You get.
Good bear.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. Hey, look, you saved my life.
What's your name, baby butt?
Hey.
Will. Floyd.
Will Floyd, you ever been with a big woman?
I was in the Statue of Liberty once.
Hey. Miss, miss. Ohh. Ohh.
- What is that on your teeth? - Pudding.
Thanks, Carlton, I had almost forgotten about Bertha.
How could you forget? You almost married her.
Man, this is getting complicated.
Boy, tell me about it.
WILL: That night we were enjoying a special dinner.
Our neighbor Sue Ellen was cooking something she had run over.
Sorry I'm late, but it was so beautiful I just couldn't leave the marina.
Chateaubriand? Mmm!
- So how was your day, sweetheart? - It was wonderful.
Oh, look what one of the girls taught me.
Now, a lot of families would just crumble under these circumstances.
But, once again, we are showing our true colors.
To family.
ALL: To family. - Come on, Carlton.
There he is, Daddy.
There's the dirty varmint made me pregnant.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I ain't make nobody pregnant.
You calling my daughter a liar?
No, man, it just wasn't me.
Of course it wasn't. The boy just got to Deliverance.
Oh, is that so?
Fella over at the college says he's been going there for two years.
[WHISPERS] Oh, damn witness protection program.
Wedding's set for tomorrow at noon.
If you register at Tiffany's ask for Richard.
Oh, wait, hold on. Nobody is registering for anything.
- Mister... - McCoy, Hatfield McCoy.
Now, now, Mr. McCoy, now your daughter is a very, uh...
...lovely woman and any man would be proud to be the father of her child...
...but you cannot go around falsely accusing people.
Twelve o'clock. You bring the groom, I'll bring the shotgun.
Bring it, Bertha.
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
Oh, say, hey, hey, Mr. McCoy, listen.
Now, I would love to marry your daughter, you know, but... I mean, who wouldn't?
Me.
Well, you see, it's my moms.
You know, see, she's in Africa and I'm her only child.
And it would just crush her to not be here to share in my happiness.
Well, we're real big on family...
...so the wedding will take place just as soon as she gets back.
But the engagement party is tonight.
[GUNFIRE & HILLBILLIES WHOOPING]
And at least I have this picture of you to keep in my drawers.
Whoa.
- Where did you get this? - The general store.
Vern said some big fella's been asking about you. He left it.
Come on, boys.
Oh, my God.
That means you-know-who is coming you-know-where.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING AND PEOPLE LAUGHING]
WILL: I knew it was just a matter of time before O'Neill found me...
...so I decided to fight fire with fire.
I enlisted the aid of my future father-in-law and his trigger-happy kin.
All right, listen, now, when you hear me say the word "family"...
...that's when you coming running out, all right? All right.
You heard my future son-in-law, now git.
WILL: As they ran off to take their positions I realized one thing:
Hatfield didn't use deodorant.
I had to kill time before the killer came to kill me.
I thought about all those showdowns I'd seen in all those Westerns.
The good guys usually won.
Well, except for the Unforgiven where everybody got killed.
And then there was Posse which got killed at the box office.
If I were you, I would run.
If you were me, you'd be good-looking.
You know, usually, I try to detach myself from my work...
...but I'm going to enjoy squeezing the life out of you.
[IMITATING O'NEILL] "I'm really going to enjoy squeezing the life out of you. "
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You know why I'm not scared of you?
Because I got something that you don't have.
Family.
What are you talking about? I got a sister in New Jersey.
I'm talking about family.
Family!
I mean, family.
[CLATTERING]
WILL: It was obvious the McCoys didn't know when to say when.
Say, my man, you mind if I run inside and put on a big pot of coffee?
How did you get away?
Ante up and I'll tell you.
I'm out of money.
Then I'm out of story.
Wait a second.
That part about the bear wasn't true, was it?
None of it was true.
Mister, consider yourself hustled.
[LAUGHING]
Why don't you come over for some poker tomorrow...
...we'll tell you about Carlton and the alien.
You know, you guys are nothing but a bunch of stinking, thieving liars.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit on a vase and get home to my wife.
Wow, hook, line and sinker.
Oh, yes, sir, I am the true fisherman, you know?
When it comes to deception, you are the prince.
Oh, 9:00, I gotta get to bed.
Hey, good night, Little Zeke.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Good night, Will Floyd.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
All right, all right, all right.
[WILL SCREAMING]
That will teach him to play with me.